wmacbride Posted August 5, 2017 Share Posted August 5, 2017 If you are a betrayed spouse, what did you do when you found out about the affair? Once the initial shock was past, did you beg them to stay, did you kick them out, see a lawyer, go stay with a friend for a few days, etc.? Looking back, do you feel you made the right decision? Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted August 5, 2017 Share Posted August 5, 2017 I wanted him to stay. We still held each other and slept in the same bed, even DDay. I was hurt, and later angry, but wanted to work it out. He volunteered to go to counseling. I did as well. That was eight years ago, and I have never regretted it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted August 5, 2017 Share Posted August 5, 2017 I was pissed bc he acted as if my A killed him & he was doing it too. Actually, it gave me a upper hand in the situation & with that upper hand, made him hit the low we needed to fix our marriage. He always thought i couldn't make it without him, when he was on the other side of wrong & saw how calm I was compared to the way he handled it, made him see, I'd be fine without him. So me catching him was worth it bc it took away his maryter status & it broke him down & I don't regret fixing it for a second. Had I not caught him, we'd probably be divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted August 5, 2017 Share Posted August 5, 2017 When he told me he had a revenge affair...I cried. And then i hugged him and told him it didn't matter. I understood why he did it. I have never regretted being married to this man...never. His RA may have actually helped me to understand remorse. two wrongs never make a right....an RA is never the right answer...but it may in some ways helped me. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted August 5, 2017 Share Posted August 5, 2017 I asked him to leave after a few days. Lived apart for a year so I could file for divorce. I considered reconciling briefly and went through with the divorce. I knew from the minute I found out everything had changed forever and I wouldn't love him the same. Oddly enough for him it was the opposite. He realized what he lost and loved me more. I'm at peace with my decision. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 5, 2017 Share Posted August 5, 2017 The couple I've known were feisty and stepped back into the fray yanking that chain every way they'd learned how to to disrupt whatever was going on. Can't say I blame them, except that one who did it, well, she was the one who first cheated during the marriage. Of course, she tried to make that his fault, just as men like to blame their cheating on the women. Cheating and affairs with married or even separated and divorcing people are very messy with a lot of chain yanking and sentimental reflection during divvying up the house. It's rare the breakup is the last time they sleep together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 Wmacbride, If you are a betrayed spouse, what did you do when you found out about the affair? Smacked him in the mouth, several times, hard. Once the initial shock was past, did you beg them to stay, did you kick them out, see a lawyer, go stay with a friend for a few days, etc.? He got the divorce papers the next week and was asked to leave. He moved out within a month. Looking back, do you feel you made the right decision? Absolutely. I have always said that it wasn't so much that he cheated (which was bad enough)but it was months of lies and gaslighting that screwed with my head. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 We've had a few ddays. With every one of them, it was additional information I didn't know about. The real part of the A happened before dday1. The others were just continued contact. But the first was just "we're just friends." Worked on our marriage with promises to never talk to her again. Dday2 , found out they still speak. I kicked him out. He came back a couple weeks later. Dday3, found out it was a PA originally. Kicked him out again. Now we are in MC. He is back home after a month being gone. I can't say we are reconciling because I don't know if I can ever trust him after all the kids and deceit. I am trying for the sake of our vows we made a couple decades ago and our family. We will see if I regret that later. Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 Well, the first time, I remember being hurt in shock, and just wanting to talk. Our talking led to us staying together. As we were not married, and very young, I think that helped. But I remember much pain. A part of our relationship died that day, but what was left, was much more mature, and more with out illusions. We later got married very young, but in terms of maturity, we had been trough a lot, and could look at life with no illusions or with fear, as we had overcome one of the worst things that can happen. For her over spending, after I found out, it all started trickling in. It kept getting worse, and I she kept lying. Fear, was the main driver. Fear of losing everything. I also replayed everything in the past, everything came back in full force. What helped me was I had to go away for 3 weeks, as I was losing my job and had to train my replacement, and during that time I was able to think, and reason. If I had not been "left" alone, I do not know what would have happened. This allowed me to make a good decision, in that I could run the "what ifs". For those that do not know my story, I stayed and we are still married. My two cents..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author wmacbride Posted August 7, 2017 Author Share Posted August 7, 2017 Thanks for ll the responses. My spouse left not long after the affair was out in the open, and I had about a year to sort through it all on my own. It may sound weird to say, but in a way, I was lucky. i was able to decide what i wanted on my own without any pressure form him. Having him away again, and knowing he could be hurt also put at lot of things into perspective. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted August 8, 2017 Share Posted August 8, 2017 (edited) First marriage and WW PA - I was a mess - said divorce, then said no lets try, then she said let me have some space, separation for a while, then me finally saying divorce when were were separated for 4 months. What a weak dumb ass I was. Second marriage and WW EA (way to complicated to describe here but bad).... roared like a wild angry lion.. (better me) and demanded immediate cut off from her MM (and others..said it was complicated) or I was done that day. That happened and she broke all contact, never saw them again. Took a long time for her remorse and for her to change some views. Due to her not resolving all her issues - we never fully healed, but remain married because somethings did get better. Edited August 8, 2017 by dichotomy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 If you are a betrayed spouse, what did you do when you found out about the affair? Once the initial shock was past, did you beg them to stay, did you kick them out, see a lawyer, go stay with a friend for a few days, etc.? Looking back, do you feel you made the right decision? When I found out, I hired a PI to get me solid evidence for court (not knowing that it wouldn't matter). When I confronted, ready for divorce, she broke down and cried, apologized profusely, and said she was glad I finally knew. Unprepared, I actually consoled her and my resolve broke. I gave her my terms to avoid an immediate filing for divorce and she agreed. But things didn't add up and I kept finding lies. I also tried to give her 90 days to leave her job (affair was with her boss) and halfway thru the 90 days I lost my fool mind imagining what was going on. She pretended to be remorseful. It took a long time to really find the truth. While I don't regret making an attempt to reconcile, I would certainly take a do-over on several of my decisions. Some were just because I didn't yet have a PhD in Infidelity. Some were because I was just plain broken after so much physical and emotional strain. After one final drama-filled night (where I had discovered one last big lie about some pretty twisted crap), we both threw in the towel. No regrets on that decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 When I found out, I hired a PI to get me solid evidence for court (not knowing that it wouldn't matter). When I confronted, ready for divorce, she broke down and cried, apologized profusely, and said she was glad I finally knew. Unprepared, I actually consoled her and my resolve broke. I gave her my terms to avoid an immediate filing for divorce and she agreed. But things didn't add up and I kept finding lies. I also tried to give her 90 days to leave her job (affair was with her boss) and halfway thru the 90 days I lost my fool mind imagining what was going on. She pretended to be remorseful. It took a long time to really find the truth. While I don't regret making an attempt to reconcile, I would certainly take a do-over on several of my decisions. Some were just because I didn't yet have a PhD in Infidelity. Some were because I was just plain broken after so much physical and emotional strain. After one final drama-filled night (where I had discovered one last big lie about some pretty twisted crap), we both threw in the towel. No regrets on that decision. I am just saying... For those that done know his story, let me say that BH is a man among men. I could have never gotten over what she did to him any way... I just thought that my Ex was the worst person in the world and that I had it bad... Not even close. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts