BettyDraper Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 I was swept away by his charisma, yes. I unashamedly was attracted to a man who stood out from the pack in all respects. Tall, handsome and charming with a gorgeous smile. *swoon* Sad, I know, right? Men like him get us every time. The thing is, when I met my husband, all he was at the time was a slick, well spoken individual with potential. My husband's business was in its infancy; it was barely off the ground and he was no certainty for success. I, however, bought into him as I saw the potential. The sad thing for me is that while my husband was building his business and investing money he didn't have hand over fist, I was working and also investing in him and our future, both financially and emotionally. We seemed to work so well as a team, and I feel like I am a huge part of his success. At one point or another, it felt like it started to become all about him. His business, his success. My stupid mother-in-law certainly doesn't credit any of my efforts for her son's success. It's all about how good he is, how smart he his, how hard working he is. I'm just the mother of his sons. This is all the stuff that gets brushed aside. Sure, I have enough money to shop at boutique stores, buy what I want online without a worry. Yes, some women would envy me and think I'm just a spoilt brat. You know what, though? That's not me. I want to achieve for myself, not live off someone else. I want to share in the credit, not be cast aside and have my feelings bought out by materialstic things. Most importantly, though, is that I don't get treated like I'm some high class escort who is showered with gifts, so long as I'm ready to drop to my knees at my clinet's husband's beck and call. Yes, I know your husband wasn't wealthy when you met. It's normal and expected for women to be taken by handsome and tall men. I truly believe that your husband gets his attitude from his mother. She modeled narcissism for him and he picked up those characteristics. Remember that raising your boys is a noble and worthwhile endeavor regardless of what your husband and society tells you. It's not easy to be a mother...especially a mother of multiples. That said, I completely understand why you have other ambitions because I feel the same way. That is why I donate my time to charitable organizations and next year I will be taking online courses towards completing my BA. My heart hurts for you when you speak of feeling like a spoiled brat. I can relate. Everyone around me thinks that my husband is so wonderful and I'm lucky because I don't have to work. We are not wealthy but we are comfortable. I enjoy many luxuries. I am struggling with my husband's very childish and socially unacceptable behavior. I am losing respect for my husband because he acts like a little boy and I can't trust him to follow through with his promises. My husband doesn't understand very basic things about being in a romantic relationship. When we return from our European vacation, my husband will be tested for Asperger's and begin individual counseling whether he is on the spectrum or not. He has also made changes with respect to how he relates to me. I'm glad but I also resent my husband because it has taken far too long. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 The dynamic changed completely when I stopped working. It's like my husband doesn't (didn't) respect me as much anymore. I'm now just a housewife who changes his kids' nappies all day. He doesn't want me contributing in any other way like I used to. I know that it would seem unlikely that he'll change, but he has gotten better, slightly. Sometimes we revert back and he can be a real prick to me, but they're becoming less frequent and he is trying to be more attentive. It doesn't sound like being a SAHM is working out for you. What about if you went back to work and put the kids in daycare? It isn't necessarily bad for the kids if they get enough parent time outside daycare. Lots of us grew up with working parents and turned out fine. This might hopefully drive him to: (1) Appreciate what he used to have, and (2) Stop treating you in a disrespectful manner. Even if that fails, you will be better poised to leave if you are able to support yourself. I don't think any sane woman envies a woman who is being mistreated by her husband, regardless of whether the man is rich or poor. I wouldn't worry about people thinking that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 It doesn't sound like being a SAHM is working out for you. What about if you went back to work and put the kids in daycare? It isn't necessarily bad for the kids if they get enough parent time outside daycare. Lots of us grew up with working parents and turned out fine. This might hopefully drive him to: (1) Appreciate what he used to have, and (2) Stop treating you in a disrespectful manner. Even if that fails, you will be better poised to leave if you are able to support yourself. The thing is, now that her husband has a very successful business and is making a very good living, he won't respect her career nearly as much as before. Plus, I bet her husband will be paying alimony if they end up getting a divorce. But I agree the OP should go back to work, as she's not the kind of person who would enjoy being a stay-at-home mother. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 The thing is, now that her husband has a very successful business and is making a very good living, he won't respect her career nearly as much as before. Plus, I bet her husband will be paying alimony if they end up getting a divorce. In Australia (where the OP is from AFAIK), I do not think separated partners get much alimony. Certainly lifelong alimony is nonexistent, despite it being somewhat common in the US. It is always easier to leave if you need to, if you have a career. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 In Australia (where the OP is from AFAIK), I do not think separated partners get much alimony. Certainly lifelong alimony is nonexistent, despite it being somewhat common in the US. It is always easier to leave if you need to, if you have a career. How about assets? It sounds like most of their assets have been built since their marriage. Sorry for the digression, OP. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 It doesn't sound like being a SAHM is working out for you. What about if you went back to work and put the kids in daycare? It isn't necessarily bad for the kids if they get enough parent time outside daycare. Lots of us grew up with working parents and turned out fine. This might hopefully drive him to: (1) Appreciate what he used to have, and (2) Stop treating you in a disrespectful manner. Even if that fails, you will be better poised to leave if you are able to support yourself. I don't think any sane woman envies a woman who is being mistreated by her husband, regardless of whether the man is rich or poor. I wouldn't worry about people thinking that. You'd be surprised. Lots of people believe that money always equals happiness and affluence is worth enduring poor treatment. That's why there are so many women who look the other way when their rich husbands cheat...they will endure anything to keep their lifestyle. I don't think that CR is that type of woman though. While I agree that it's fine for mothers to work, it probably also worth noting that kids are only little for a short period of time. I have seen parents regret working so much that they missed their kids' growing up. It's also not easy to return to the workforce after an absence. I still think CR would be happier if she was working...I'm just not sure if that will go over well with her husband. Link to post Share on other sites
camillalev Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 I do have an uphill battle. My husband can be a handful, but things are slowly improving. He's great in many ways. He treats my parents very well, is a great dad to the boys. It's interesting that when women are dealing with men who don't treat them well, they almost always say something like "but otherwise he's a good man, great to x and x" As though being nice in other ways to other people makes up for the bad treatmen treatment that is being inflicted onto them. I do agree with the other posters about going back to work or getting a part-time job. If working makes you happier definitely go for it. The husband may not like it at first but it's your life and your time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 I would suggest for you to start working again. You might need the income one day. If for some unforeseen reason your H divorces you, is spousal support available until you are able to find work? Best of luck, I know how ***** in laws can cause problems. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chardonnay Renée Posted September 10, 2017 Author Share Posted September 10, 2017 Thanks for all the support, peeps! In Australia, our laws differ greatly from the United States. It's very complicated and the "spousal maintenance" as it is referred to here, can vary greatly depending on a number of circumstances. Essentially, with any divorce, both parties must seek legal representation and the assests are divided up, with spousal maintenance considered and usually indexed, based on a set criterion. For example, the assests negotiated in the divorce settlement, if not deemed 50/50, can affect the amount of spousal maintenance that's factored into the equation. Whatever the result, if it were to come down to divorce, I would absolutely have a case to argue that I assisted, with my own time, money and "labour" (unpaid work to build the business) in the building of the asset which is my husband's business. With two boys, my husband's spousal maintenance would be factored into the equation, a sum which would be payable only to the point in which they turn 18 years of age. Other factors considered in the spousal maintenance calculation would be my education, previous work history and my ability to earn an income for myself. This would be weighted against loss of superannuation for how many years I haven't worked, etc. It's complicated, messy and something I hope I don't have to ever think about. In the event that I do, however, there's no doubt that I wouldn't do badly, so long as my husband's business is doing well. However, lifetime alimony as seen is some U.S. states? No way! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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