Am I being selfish?

[Els]

I agree. I'm guessing that CR was swept away by her husband's appearance and charismatic personality when they met. Unfortunately, handsome and affluent men tend to be the most entitled as well as arrogant. They feel that their money and attractiveness means that they can treat others any way they choose.

 

CR has mentioned her husband's self importance as well as his tendency to bring up what he provides for her when CR shares her pain. The back rubs/sex issue is a symptom of a deeper problem....a fundamental lack of regard for CR's emotional needs as well as physical comfort.

 

I agree. According to her posts, they were together for more than 3 years before marrying and having children, though. I would have hoped that the rose-tinted glasses would've fallen off a bit by then... it's not like it was a whirlwind romance.

 

Honestly, I don't recommend divorce lightly, but if the OP didn't have young kids with her husband, I might have recommended considering it. Someone who is THAT selfish and entitled re: sex cannot possibly NOT be selfish and entitled in other areas of his life as well.

 

My SO was sick for the last week. I felt like having sex, of course, but he understandably didn't - and even though I naturally felt some sexual frustration, I would never expect him to "service" me in such a situation. I really can't imagine how someone could "expect daily one-sided sexual attention as 'compensation' for a week's dry spell" or "grumble and groan and make it known in a passive-aggressive manner that they thought their partner was just stalling", especially when their partner is feeling unwell. It must take an exceptionally self-centered person with zero empathy to behave like that.

Edited August 30, 2017 by Elswyth

[Chardonnay Renée]

Why are we getting all of this negative info on your husband after almost 100 posts? You could have given us this info early on and it would have shed more light on why you feel mistreated.

 

You two may gain from a therapist. There's many issues going on here which require respect and compromise.

 

 

And a firm boundary is needed with your mother in law. State clearly she is allowed to visit one day per week for two hours! Stick to it. If your husband doesn't agree then tell him no sex for a month. Just kidding but you get the idea!

 

Many who've followed my other threads have most of the information I've shared now. Perhaps not to the degree or detail that I've just outlined, but a fair idea all the same.

 

I was just wanting opinions in isolation of my overall situation. From my husband's perspective, he's done no wrong, so he himself views the situation "in isolation."

 

I've been over the situation with my mother-in-law and all I can say is that she's a work in progress. I have had support from hubby recently, so the backup has been appreciated.

Edited August 30, 2017 by Chardonnay Renée

[Chardonnay Renée]

This is it. Demanding, controlling, entitled...

 

Reading your post made me sad too. But, you knew what would be expected when you married him. He's unlikely to change now...

 

I expected more support from him after I gave birth to his twins! I expected more support and appreciation for what I do, including putting up with his nasty mother who, since having our boys, comes over all the time. She is at best a nuisance, and at worst a downright cow!

 

Before we had our boys we both worked. My husband building up and running his business, myself as an occupational therapist. Since those times, I've just been stuck at home while he's ramped up his hours working.

 

The dynamic changed completely when I stopped working. It's like my husband doesn't (didn't) respect me as much anymore. I'm now just a housewife who changes his kids' nappies all day. He doesn't want me contributing in any other way like I used to.

 

I know that it would seem unlikely that he'll change, but he has gotten better, slightly. Sometimes we revert back and he can be a real prick to me, but they're becoming less frequent and he is trying to be more attentive.

[Chardonnay Renée]

I agree. I'm guessing that CR was swept away by her husband's appearance and charismatic personality when they met. Unfortunately, handsome and affluent men tend to be the most entitled as well as arrogant. They feel that their money and attractiveness means that they can treat others any way they choose.

 

CR has mentioned her husband's self importance as well as his tendency to bring up what he provides for her when CR shares her pain. The back rubs/sex issue is a symptom of a deeper problem....a fundamental lack of regard for CR's emotional needs as well as physical comfort.

 

I was swept away by his charisma, yes. I unashamedly was attracted to a man who stood out from the pack in all respects. Tall, handsome and charming with a gorgeous smile. *swoon*

 

Sad, I know, right? Men like him get us every time. The thing is, when I met my husband, all he was at the time was a slick, well spoken individual with potential.

 

My husband's business was in its infancy; it was barely off the ground and he was no certainty for success. I, however, bought into him as I saw the potential.

 

The sad thing for me is that while my husband was building his business and investing money he didn't have hand over fist, I was working and also investing in him and our future, both financially and emotionally.

 

We seemed to work so well as a team, and I feel like I am a huge part of his success. At one point or another, it felt like it started to become all about him. His business, his success.

 

My stupid mother-in-law certainly doesn't credit any of my efforts for her son's success. It's all about how good he is, how smart he his, how hard working he is. I'm just the mother of his sons.

 

This is all the stuff that gets brushed aside. Sure, I have enough money to shop at boutique stores, buy what I want online without a worry. Yes, some women would envy me and think I'm just a spoilt brat.

 

You know what, though? That's not me. I want to achieve for myself, not live off someone else. I want to share in the credit, not be cast aside and have my feelings bought out by materialstic things.

 

Most importantly, though, is that I don't get treated like I'm some high class escort who is showered with gifts, so long as I'm ready to drop to my knees at my clinet's husband's beck and call.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Your history with your husband saddens me, OP. What is the situation with your MIL nowadays?

 

 

 

I really wish you had taken this red flag seriously and reconsidered the decision to marry him or have children with him. I mean, I get that that ship has already sailed, and hopefully he will improve, but it really looks like you have an uphill battle ahead of you. It sounds like his fundamental personality is that of a rather selfish and entitled man. Can counseling fix that? I don't know. I do hope so, for your sake. It seems like back rubs vs sex is the absolute least of your problems here.

 

Hi Elswyth.

 

I have answered some of this post in another post outlining how I don't feel as though there were red flags at the time. He has changed somewhat, at least towards me anyway.

 

My mother-in-law situation is slightly better. She's not over as much, and my own mum has been staying with us more frequently (she lives two hours away on our family's property where I grew up).

 

I do have an uphill battle. My husband can be a handful, but things are slowly improving. He's great in many ways. He treats my parents very well, is a great dad to the boys.

 

I guess nobody is perfect. I try my best to be the best mum, the best wife, the best daughter, sister, friend... through all that, though, I am sure there's many criticisms I would deservedly attract.

[BettyDraper]

I was swept away by his charisma, yes. I unashamedly was attracted to a man who stood out from the pack in all respects. Tall, handsome and charming with a gorgeous smile. *swoon*

 

Sad, I know, right? Men like him get us every time. The thing is, when I met my husband, all he was at the time was a slick, well spoken individual with potential.

 

My husband's business was in its infancy; it was barely off the ground and he was no certainty for success. I, however, bought into him as I saw the potential.

 

The sad thing for me is that while my husband was building his business and investing money he didn't have hand over fist, I was working and also investing in him and our future, both financially and emotionally.

 

We seemed to work so well as a team, and I feel like I am a huge part of his success. At one point or another, it felt like it started to become all about him. His business, his success.

 

My stupid mother-in-law certainly doesn't credit any of my efforts for her son's success. It's all about how good he is, how smart he his, how hard working he is. I'm just the mother of his sons.

 

This is all the stuff that gets brushed aside. Sure, I have enough money to shop at boutique stores, buy what I want online without a worry. Yes, some women would envy me and think I'm just a spoilt brat.

 

You know what, though? That's not me. I want to achieve for myself, not live off someone else. I want to share in the credit, not be cast aside and have my feelings bought out by materialstic things.

 

Most importantly, though, is that I don't get treated like I'm some high class escort who is showered with gifts, so long as I'm ready to drop to my knees at my clinet's husband's beck and call.

 

Yes, I know your husband wasn't wealthy when you met.

It's normal and expected for women to be taken by handsome and tall men.

 

I truly believe that your husband gets his attitude from his mother.

She modeled narcissism for him and he picked up those characteristics.

 

Remember that raising your boys is a noble and worthwhile endeavor regardless of what your husband and society tells you. It's not easy to be a mother...especially a mother of multiples. That said, I completely understand why you have other ambitions because I feel the same way. That is why I donate my time to charitable organizations and next year I will be taking online courses towards completing my BA.

 

My heart hurts for you when you speak of feeling like a spoiled brat. I can relate. Everyone around me thinks that my husband is so wonderful and I'm lucky because I don't have to work. We are not wealthy but we are comfortable. I enjoy many luxuries.

 

I am struggling with my husband's very childish and socially unacceptable behavior. I am losing respect for my husband because he acts like a little boy and I can't trust him to follow through with his promises. My husband doesn't understand very basic things about being in a romantic relationship. When we return from our European vacation, my husband will be tested for Asperger's and begin individual counseling whether he is on the spectrum or not. He has also made changes with respect to how he relates to me. I'm glad but I also resent my husband because it has taken far too long.

[Els]

 

The dynamic changed completely when I stopped working. It's like my husband doesn't (didn't) respect me as much anymore. I'm now just a housewife who changes his kids' nappies all day. He doesn't want me contributing in any other way like I used to.

 

I know that it would seem unlikely that he'll change, but he has gotten better, slightly. Sometimes we revert back and he can be a real prick to me, but they're becoming less frequent and he is trying to be more attentive.

 

It doesn't sound like being a SAHM is working out for you. What about if you went back to work and put the kids in daycare? It isn't necessarily bad for the kids if they get enough parent time outside daycare. Lots of us grew up with working parents and turned out fine.

 

This might hopefully drive him to: (1) Appreciate what he used to have, and (2) Stop treating you in a disrespectful manner. Even if that fails, you will be better poised to leave if you are able to support yourself.

 

I don't think any sane woman envies a woman who is being mistreated by her husband, regardless of whether the man is rich or poor. I wouldn't worry about people thinking that.

[JuneL]

It doesn't sound like being a SAHM is working out for you. What about if you went back to work and put the kids in daycare? It isn't necessarily bad for the kids if they get enough parent time outside daycare. Lots of us grew up with working parents and turned out fine.

 

This might hopefully drive him to: (1) Appreciate what he used to have, and (2) Stop treating you in a disrespectful manner. Even if that fails, you will be better poised to leave if you are able to support yourself.

 

The thing is, now that her husband has a very successful business and is making a very good living, he won't respect her career nearly as much as before.

 

Plus, I bet her husband will be paying alimony if they end up getting a divorce.

 

But I agree the OP should go back to work, as she's not the kind of person who would enjoy being a stay-at-home mother.

[Els]

The thing is, now that her husband has a very successful business and is making a very good living, he won't respect her career nearly as much as before.

 

Plus, I bet her husband will be paying alimony if they end up getting a divorce.

 

In Australia (where the OP is from AFAIK), I do not think separated partners get much alimony. Certainly lifelong alimony is nonexistent, despite it being somewhat common in the US. It is always easier to leave if you need to, if you have a career.

[JuneL]

In Australia (where the OP is from AFAIK), I do not think separated partners get much alimony. Certainly lifelong alimony is nonexistent, despite it being somewhat common in the US. It is always easier to leave if you need to, if you have a career.

 

How about assets? It sounds like most of their assets have been built since their marriage. Sorry for the digression, OP.

[BettyDraper]

It doesn't sound like being a SAHM is working out for you. What about if you went back to work and put the kids in daycare? It isn't necessarily bad for the kids if they get enough parent time outside daycare. Lots of us grew up with working parents and turned out fine.

 

This might hopefully drive him to: (1) Appreciate what he used to have, and (2) Stop treating you in a disrespectful manner. Even if that fails, you will be better poised to leave if you are able to support yourself.

 

I don't think any sane woman envies a woman who is being mistreated by her husband, regardless of whether the man is rich or poor. I wouldn't worry about people thinking that.

 

You'd be surprised. Lots of people believe that money always equals happiness and affluence is worth enduring poor treatment. That's why there are so many women who look the other way when their rich husbands cheat...they will endure anything to keep their lifestyle. I don't think that CR is that type of woman though.

 

While I agree that it's fine for mothers to work, it probably also worth noting that kids are only little for a short period of time. I have seen parents regret working so much that they missed their kids' growing up. It's also not easy to return to the workforce after an absence. I still think CR would be happier if she was working...I'm just not sure if that will go over well with her husband.

[camillalev]

I do have an uphill battle. My husband can be a handful, but things are slowly improving. He's great in many ways. He treats my parents very well, is a great dad to the boys.

 

It's interesting that when women are dealing with men who don't treat them well, they almost always say something like "but otherwise he's a good man, great to x and x" As though being nice in other ways to other people makes up for the bad treatmen treatment that is being inflicted onto them.

 

I do agree with the other posters about going back to work or getting a part-time job. If working makes you happier definitely go for it. The husband may not like it at first but it's your life and your time.

[S2B]

I agree about getting a job... become independent from your husband. Open bank accounts in your name only and get set up to be in your own.

 

When it came time for me to end it with my exH - after 25 years- I was grateful I had established myself independently from him.

[usa1ah]

I would suggest for you to start working again. You might need the income one day.

 

If for some unforeseen reason your H divorces you, is spousal support available until you are able to find work?

 

Best of luck, I know how ***** in laws can cause problems.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Thanks for all the support, peeps!

 

In Australia, our laws differ greatly from the United States. It's very complicated and the "spousal maintenance" as it is referred to here, can vary greatly depending on a number of circumstances.

 

Essentially, with any divorce, both parties must seek legal representation and the assests are divided up, with spousal maintenance considered and usually indexed, based on a set criterion.

 

For example, the assests negotiated in the divorce settlement, if not deemed 50/50, can affect the amount of spousal maintenance that's factored into the equation.

 

Whatever the result, if it were to come down to divorce, I would absolutely have a case to argue that I assisted, with my own time, money and "labour" (unpaid work to build the business) in the building of the asset which is my husband's business.

 

With two boys, my husband's spousal maintenance would be factored into the equation, a sum which would be payable only to the point in which they turn 18 years of age.

 

Other factors considered in the spousal maintenance calculation would be my education, previous work history and my ability to earn an income for myself. This would be weighted against loss of superannuation for how many years I haven't worked, etc.

 

It's complicated, messy and something I hope I don't have to ever think about. In the event that I do, however, there's no doubt that I wouldn't do badly, so long as my husband's business is doing well. However, lifetime alimony as seen is some U.S. states? No way!