At 30, still as insecure as in my 20s

[Pacman]

Wth?

 

I thought at 30 years old I'd have life figured out by now. I'd be able to handle everything and anything that comes my way. I thought I would not be insecure at all. But here I am. I am as insecure as ever if not more. This isn't about getting women. It's about how I feel about myself. I figured by now I'd be able to let everything roll off and not let anything affect me.

 

After watching all these youtube videos on self improvement, all these self help books. Nothing. I get the occasional high of self worth from reading books for a week and then I'm back to my old insecure self. I even saw a psychologist and he was NO help at all. Albeit he was very nice. I threw down $$ down the drain.

 

Does this ever truly go away?

 

I'm a 3rd year medical student. I work out, I am physically fit and I have decent face. I have everything going for me, except my 5'7 height .

 

I guess what is making me feel insecure is that I don't feel like a "Man" I still feel like a child. I don't know if this is a physical thing, being 5'7 with a small frame. If it was, I have tried to counter act it by lifting weights..but my small frame will always make me look small. I've accepted that. Maybe?

 

If this is a mental aspect, I don't know what else to do.

 

My insecurity has been bothering me. It has been with me my whole entire life. It's getting worse and I have no idea why. It is not depression or anxiety. I'm not comparing myself to anybody either.

 

Any advice?

[Shanex]

You seem to blame it on your height.

 

Have you ever had a girlfriend? Do you have a part-time job on top of your medical school?

 

Decent face.. I'm not trying to picture you but you're probably not ugly.

 

What is the cause of your insecurity? Have you tried to look into this with your psychologist, or by yourself, or on LS?

[Pacman]

You seem to blame it on your height.

 

Have you ever had a girlfriend? Do you have a part-time job on top of your medical school?

 

Decent face.. I'm not trying to picture you but you're probably not ugly.

 

What is the cause of your insecurity? Have you tried to look into this with your psychologist, or by yourself, or on LS?

 

Height could be one of the reasons? I think more so my frame. Personally I am okay with my height, but my frame is very small. I've tried bulking and I only got fat. So I cut down, got abs and decent physique but then I'm back to my small frame.

 

I have had girlfriends. I do well with girls, but this isn't about getting women. This is about self improvement and getting rid of these pesky insecurities.

 

I do not have a job in med school. I don't have the time for it as I am in hospitals doing rotations

 

I have seen a psychologist and he was of no help. None what so ever.

 

I have been trying to figure out where my insecurity comes from.

 

I believe it's because I do not feel like a "MAN". But I feel like a man child. Now that I think about it. As stated before, at this age I figured I would be better. Better than in my 20s.

[BaileyB]

Age is only a number.

 

Nothing changes just because you wake up one morning and there is a "3" where there used to be a "2."

 

Look, you've read the books and seen the psychologist. At a certain point, you just have to decide that you are enough. Only you can do this for yourself.

 

I can try and tell you that your height doesn't matter (because it doesn't), but if you think that it is a disadvantage, then that is all that will matter. I can try and tell you that there is no textbook definition of what a "man" should be, but you have it in your mind that you are not a "man" so there is much that will convince you otherwise.

 

What does that even mean, anyway? What makes a "man" a "man?" Is it intelligence? Is it strength? Is it an important job and wealth? Is it a girlfriend or a family? I'm sure that it means different things to different people.

 

I would respectfully suggest that your problem has everything to do with expectations - that you should have life sorted by 30 and that you are not "a man." This is very black and white thinking and the "should" in your statement is causing you problems - "I should feel like a man, but I don't." I would suggest that you challenge your expectations and try to be more flexible in your thinking.

 

I wish you well in your journey. I hope you don't waste too much time searching only to realize, as Dorothy did in the wizard of Oz, "Everything you were looking for was right there with you all along..."

Edited August 6, 2017 by BaileyB

[kazen]

The reason you don't feel like a man is because you can't become a man by simply reading a book or watching a video. Manhood is develop through stages of life experiences. You mention you are still in medical school. That's is precisely why, you haven't even enter the real world yet.

 

If you want to overcome your insecurity, you must learn to accept everyone has flaws. Even the hottest model has insecurities. You must know, most of your insecurity is only in your head. Until you gain enough life experiences that invalidate your insecurities, then you will always have them. For example, a short guy will feel insecure about his height, then one day he sees another short guy with a hot girlfriend. What excuse does he have? Sure some people are judgmental but why waste time with these people. There's plenty of people who don't care. Bottom line, you won't overcome your insecurity if you keep allowing it to keep you down. You must believe in your self-worth and go after what you want. Success is the only way to truly eradicate your self-doubt. And you have to have the will to keep trying til you succeed. Overcoming challenges and conquering your fears through actions is how you will become a man.

Edited August 6, 2017 by kazen

[Pacman]

Age is only a number.

 

Nothing changes just because you wake up one morning and there is a "3" where there used to be a "2."

 

Look, you've read the books and seen the psychologist. At a certain point, you just have to decide that you are enough. Only you can do this for yourself.

 

I can try and tell you that your height doesn't matter (because it doesn't), but if you think that it is a disadvantage, then that is all that will matter. I can try and tell you that there is no textbook definition of what a "man" should be, but you have it in your mind that you are not a "man" so there is much that will convince you otherwise.

 

What does that even mean, anyway? What makes a "man" a "man?" Is it intelligence? Is it strength? Is it an important job and wealth? Is it a girlfriend or a family? I'm sure that it means different things to different people.

 

I would respectfully suggest that your problem has everything to do with expectations - that you should have life sorted by 30 and that you are not "a man." This is very black and white thinking and the "should" in your statement is causing you problems - "I should feel like a man, but I don't." I would suggest that you challenge your expectations and try to be more flexible in your thinking.

 

I wish you well in your journey. I hope you don't waste too much time searching only to realize, as Dorothy did in the wizard of Oz, "Everything you were looking for was right there with you all along..."

 

Thank you for the kind words. I just expected better for myself once I hit the big 30. And I'm no where close to the person I wan't to be. It's frustrating.

 

For me, a man is someone who is confident. Someone who can take charge when he needs to but for the most part if very humble. A man is someone who looks strong. Someone who is responsible and can take action when need to.

 

I am neither of this. No matter how hard I try to work at it. And I'm at dead end. I don't know what else to do.

 

The reason you don't feel like a man is because you can't become a man by simply reading a book or watching a video. Manhood is develop through stages of life experiences. You mention you are still in medical school. That's is precisely why, you haven't even enter the real world yet.

 

If you want to overcome your insecurity, you must learn to accept everyone has flaws. Even the hottest model has insecurities. You must know, most of your insecurity is only in your head. Until you gain enough life experiences that invalidate your insecurities, then you will always have them. For example, a short guy will feel insecure about his height, then one day he sees another short guy with a hot girlfriend. What excuse does he have? Sure some people are judgmental but why waste time with these people. There's plenty of people who don't care. Bottom line, you won't overcome your insecurity if you keep allowing it to keep you down. You must believe in your self-worth and go after what you want. Success is the only way to truly eradicate your self-doubt. And you have to have the will to keep trying til you succeed. Overcoming challenges and conquering your fears through actions is how you will become a man.

 

Thank you for the advice. My insecurity comes from not feeling "manly" enough. I do have real world experience. I did work prior to medical school. So I've paid my own bills, lived on my own. But anyone can do that.

 

How do I believe in my own self worth? This is something Ive been trying to figure out. Hence the books, videos, high achieving individual.

 

Different topic:

Today I came up with reasons on why I don't feel like a "man"

 

*I volunteer at the humane society near my school. I do it for 2 hours M, W, F. I see all these helpless dogs who need a home but I cannot do anything about it. Part of me says, adopt the old dog the no one wants..but a part of me says it's unfair as you barely have time for yourself. I feel helpless. How does one feel like a man when you can only watch and not do anything?

 

*As stated before my height doesn't bother me. But it's my small frame. It's purely genetics. I can try to increase my calories and I'll get "bigger" but it's mostly just fat. I can do steroids but I'm too scared of the side effects. Again I feel helpless. How does one feel like a man when they have such a small frame?

 

*I realized that I seek peoples approval too much. I joke around too much. I wish I could stop this too.

 

I guess everything I try to do with regard to self improvement always fails. Then I feel helpless.

 

I just want to feel good about myself, with no self doubt, with confidence. No matter what I do, it never comes.

[tetrahedral]

I don't mean to be rude, but dude. You're in f***ing med school.

 

Trust me, if you were bigger, you'd find something else to be insecure about. How big you are isn't the issue here.

 

Question - if you could choose exactly what you're gonna do for the next month, what are the things you would spend the most time doing?

[bummer]

For me, a man is someone who is confident. Someone who can take charge when he needs to but for the most part if very humble. A man is someone who looks strong. Someone who is responsible and can take action when need to.

 

You are confident enough to get into med school and pursue a difficult ambition. You can train yourself to react more humbly by learning to control your breathing or meditating. You can look strong, and be totally weak. Some of the best rock climbers I know do not look strong, but are strong. Better to be strong, than to just focus on image, which will leave you more insecure. You are responsible enough to volunteer your time and think about those less fortunate.

 

*I volunteer at the humane society near my school. I do it for 2 hours M, W, F. I see all these helpless dogs who need a home but I cannot do anything about it. Part of me says, adopt the old dog the no one wants..but a part of me says it's unfair as you barely have time for yourself. I feel helpless. How does one feel like a man when you can only watch and not do anything?

 

You are doing something, MWF for 6 hours by walking and socializing the dogs so they can transition better and have a better chance of adoption. You are part of the solution. If it bothers you, adopt one and make the necessary adjustments to care for it.

 

*As stated before my height doesn't bother me. But it's my small frame. It's purely genetics. I can try to increase my calories and I'll get "bigger" but it's mostly just fat. I can do steroids but I'm too scared of the side effects. Again I feel helpless. How does one feel like a man when they have such a small frame?

 

*I realized that I seek peoples approval too much. I joke around too much. I wish I could stop this too.

 

A doctor considering steroids? You should know enough of physiology to figure out the correct caloric intake and metabolic output necessary to gain muscle not fat.

 

You're projecting societal expectation onto yourself. As BaileyB said, it's inside yourself right now. You are a man. Just look in the mirror and say it. And keep striving to be a better man everyday.

 

On another note, what makes you happy? Is there some sport, some activity where you do feel in control and confident? Do that more. Adapt those positive thoughts to places you don't feel like a man.

Edited August 7, 2017 by bummer

[kazen]

Pacman, when I refer to real life experiences, I am talking about more than just having a job and living on your own. It also about having to take care of someone else, basically more responsibilities. For example, I have an older brother who was always immature, but the moment he became a dad, he grew up. When you have someone who depends on you for survival, you will grow. You are still in the stage of a student. You will understand this once you finish med school and start building an adult life. It takes time to develop personal growth, it doesn't happen overnight. Also if you have always live in a relatively comfy life, it slows your development as well. Hardship builds character. If you experience a life-threatening situation where you had to rely on your wits to survive, it will change your mentality. That's why people who join the military grows up so fast. You don't have to be physically strong, you just have to be mentally strong. I'm sure that's what you're after. So focus on finishing med school. Get your job and then find a good wife, marry and have kids (if that is what you want), once you start having full responsibility as an adult, you will grow into a man.

 

About your size, proper weight lifting and lots of protein shakes and meals will make you huge in a couple of years. When I was in college, I was 110 lb. So I dedicated myself to working out 5 times a week (upper body every other day 3 times a week, legs 2 times a week) and ate 5 meals a day, with 2 protein shake drink in between. And after 2 years, I hit 155 lb of muscle. Be careful not to push too hard doing weights, it is dangerous. Good to have a partner to work out with so he can spot you if you are doing free weights. You can use machine weights but that's usually not as effective as free weights. Good luck.

 

Also I recommend you join a martial arts class. Yes it helps you build that manly confidence when you know you can kick ass.

[basil67]

I highly recommend you read this article. It was written by a feminist writer for women, but the message is true for men and women. In short, we're all flawed and ordinary and that's OK. We have to stop believing the silly hype about being fabulous and having it all together. Jane Caro: Why I am fine with being flawed and ordinary

 

I doubt there's anyone who thinks they've got life 100% sorted out. Me? I'm 50 and still can't get my head around the fact that I'm in charge of two children. I still feel like a teenager playing house and that someone will very soon realise that I'm a fraud

[xenawarriorprincess]

Something that helped me to cope with feelings of insecurity and low self- esteem was understanding that Feelings are NOT Facts! Feeling low and feeling like you are not a man does not make it so! You are a man!

 

Sometimes feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem are hard to manage, but knowing that they are just feelings and they are NOT facts can help to lessen the stress and negativity that those feelings bring.

 

It helps me anyway.

[aurelius99]

The best way to get past the lack of confidence in life is to get slammed with hardships and trials...and to come out stronger. As men, our character is fashioned by adversity, just as a blade is fashioned by fire. I too struggled with low self esteem. Then I got divorced, had to face unbelievable hardship with living alone in a city across the country with no family, trying to pay child support...all the while dealing with accusations from my ex wife.

 

But you know what's funny? Would you believe I THANK God for all this? It has taught me things that a life of smoothness never could. An additional benefit is that my confidence increased. It's more of a surrender, more of an "I don't care, I've been through this before" look on my face.

 

Nobody would ever choose adversity, but it's good for us.

[major_merrick]

Wth?

 

I thought at 30 years old I'd have life figured out by now. I'd be able to handle everything and anything that comes my way. I thought I would not be insecure at all. But here I am. I am as insecure as ever if not more. This isn't about getting women. It's about how I feel about myself. I figured by now I'd be able to let everything roll off and not let anything affect me.

 

After watching all these youtube videos on self improvement, all these self help books. Nothing. I get the occasional high of self worth from reading books for a week and then I'm back to my old insecure self. I even saw a psychologist and he was NO help at all. Albeit he was very nice. I threw down $$ down the drain.

 

Does this ever truly go away?

 

I'm a 3rd year medical student. I work out, I am physically fit and I have decent face. I have everything going for me, except my 5'7 height .

 

I guess what is making me feel insecure is that I don't feel like a "Man" I still feel like a child. I don't know if this is a physical thing, being 5'7 with a small frame. If it was, I have tried to counter act it by lifting weights..but my small frame will always make me look small. I've accepted that. Maybe?

 

If this is a mental aspect, I don't know what else to do.

 

My insecurity has been bothering me. It has been with me my whole entire life. It's getting worse and I have no idea why. It is not depression or anxiety. I'm not comparing myself to anybody either.

 

Any advice?

 

I'm about your age, and I'm about your height (female, though.) My insecurities are based on my upbringing, not my physical stature. I changed my weight, and it helped somewhat. But I kind of think that your height is not really your issue.

 

The average American male is 5'8". For some reason, everything is geared toward "big and tall" for men, even though the majority are not. There's almost a societal expectation, but it is kind of ridiculous. A good friend of mine is 5'8". He claims 5'9" on his drivers license, but whatever. He's never had a problem getting girls, and now has two (yes, TWO) lovely wives. What's different about him? He doesn't live small. Big car, big truck, big house, big family. Big personality. Sometimes I think he is compensating, but the fact is that it works. You only seem small if you live like you are small. If you're loud and proud (even if it is an act) you seem bigger than you are. My friend had a coworker who was shorter - 5'4", if I remember. Same story - big truck, big personality, and TONS of women. And he wasn't even very good looking and didn't have much money. It's mostly about your attitude and how you live life. Determine that you will dominate your surroundings!

 

You mention you are in medical school. Focus on that, and put dating aside for now. Once you are a doctor, nobody will care how tall you are. You will be cool simply because of your job, and (once you make the big bucks) your large house and nice car. You could be 5'1" at that point and it wouldn't be a problem.

[lostmyshadow]

IMO, a big part of being a man (or an adult in general) is admitting your own flaws and not blaming your issues on other people. So I think you're already acting like a man. You're admitting to having insecurities and acknowledging that it may be due to your own thought process. So many people are never able to do that.

 

Another part of being a real man, IMO, is pushing through your issues instead of giving up or using them as an excuse for not moving forward. You've tried everything you can think of to improve yourself with the books, videos, psychologist. Then when you ran out of ideas, you came here to ask for help. There are so many people who just never learn how to do any of that. They think everything is some other person's fault or that they are too helpless to do anything to help themselves. You haven't given up yet, which is admirable.

 

I don't have any actual advice for you except to recognize that you already have some positive, "manly" traits.

[truthtripper]

Wth?

 

 

 

I guess what is making me feel insecure is that I don't feel like a "Man" I still feel like a child. I don't know if this is a physical thing, being 5'7 with a small frame. If it was, I have tried to counter act it by lifting weights..but my small frame will always make me look small. I've accepted that. Maybe?

 

If this is a mental aspect, I don't know what else to do.

 

My insecurity has been bothering me. It has been with me my whole entire life. It's getting worse and I have no idea why. It is not depression or anxiety. I'm not comparing myself to anybody either.

 

Any advice?

If you are concerned about being physically "small", then yes, you are indeed comparing yourself to others. The more you value yourself, the less you will need to compare yourself to others. Improving your self-worth and self-respect will solve your problem. It seems you are not aware of your rights as an individual. You have the right to love and accept yourself and to honour who you are. It's your right.