Do I tell his fiance he's a cheater???

[herpesita24]

Okay everyone, I desperately need your advice. Last summer, just a year ago this August, I met someone while I was in a relationship that I was unhappy with. My (now) ex and I had been together for 2 1/2 years when I met this other guy and I suddenly realized there were "more fish in the sea". I have never cheated on any other boyfriends (I'm 28) and never will again, but I made one exception. In all honesty I don't think I would have ever done it if my ex had been faithful to me. He cheated on me, twice, and it was the only way I knew how to take away the pain and anger. I make no excuse for my dishonest actions and I have since confessed everything to my ex. When I met this other guy, who I will call DD, he too was in a relationship. In fact he lived with his girlfriend, but he confessed to be as unhappy with her as I was with my ex. Together we made the best of our situations. When we first got together I didn't care about her nor what I could be doing to their relationship. If anything I probably made it better. As I grow older I put a lot more value and trust into relationships and feel that as I approach my thirties it is time to grow up and act responsibly. I am an attractive woman and am constantly propositioned by married and committed men, but I have never taken them up on their offers. Until DD, I have never been "that" girl... the homewrecker. Things progressed with DD and by October my ex and I were completely done and although it was warranted, it still hurt. I used DD as my rebound, my backpocket boyfriend, to get me through my breakup. As I slowly regained my confidence and realized I was strong and independent, the more I realized that what I had with DD was very unhealthy. More so, I began to realize that I was doing something that would be incredibly painful to someone if they found out. It was no longer about me, nor DD, it was about her. By the beginning of this year I decided that I did not want to be a part of his infidelity anymore. The last time we were together was in March and since then I had very limited contact with him, on my part. There is no doubt that things slowed down at this point, but he still called, he'd still stop by and occasionally I'd give in and we would have sex. Well, the story gets more interesting... it was also about this time that I realized who his fiance is. Due to a job change she now works very close to me and we work in the same industry and have friends in common. I see her several times a week. A few weeks ago when I saw her, I also saw an engagement ring on her finger. When we first got together DD was very clear that he was not in love and did not want to marry her. He never told me they were engaged, so you can imagine my surprise when I saw the ring. I don't know when, or for how long they have been engaged but just last night I found out when they are going to be married.... October 1 of this year, less than 2 months away. I'm stunned. I'm not angry, I'm not bitter and I'm not sad. I have been moved on from him for many months, but I feel incredibly sad for his wife to be. I think in some ways I was his last fling before tying the knot and if that's the case perhaps he will change his ways. But history is a better indicator of what the future will bring. Although he certainly came around less, he still came around. He was just at my house this Saturday, and we had sex in July... he never told me about the wedding, never even told me he was engaged. He knows I know now because I asked him and when he said yes I kicked him out and have ignored him since (yes, that's right he's tried to contact me since that). I'm also not the only girl he's went out on her with. When we first got together he told me that they had lived in Florida and that there was a girl there that he had a similar relationship (as mine) with. He also confessed to me that he slept with his fiance's friend one time. He already has a daughter, and although unconfirmed, a son from two other women. As I write all of this I realize I really can pick the winners... I have many friends who have offered advice to me on this situation and I would like to hear from some others, who don't know the people involved. I know that it's really not my place to make someone elses life hell, but I also know that if it were me, I'd want to know. As painful as it may be, I don't ever want to marry someone like that. I suppose in some ways I'm very happy they are getting married because it's one less dirtbag I have to worry about. But she certainly does not deserve that either. She's a beautiful smart woman with her MBA and her own house (not his). Like I said before, my actions are not about me or about him anymore, it's about her. I feel horrible that I have been the other woman for so long and I feel horrible that she is marrying someone she has no idea of how unfaithful he has been. I view marriage as the most sacred, trusting and important commitment someone can make to another person. I suppose they could have an open relationship and she pretends not to know, but that concept is beyond my understanding. I know this post is long and thank you for taking the time to read it. I wanted to give as much background as possible. I would love to hear from any and all of you as to how I should proceed from here. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.

[CurlyIam]

Most women know. They never admit it, but they know.

 

She's not your friend, she's not your family, she's not even you acquaintance. This kind of things are for extremely close people. Think of your career and of the common friends you have. It's every person's responsability to get to know their SO before marriage.

 

If you really do care for her, suggest her and all her friends a killer prenuptial agreement. As for his running around with... you, I'd shut up about it. It won't make you feel better, but at least you won't have to move out of town once the word gets out.

[Cecelius]

One way to get past infidelity on your own part is to just get away from it. The more mired you are in a skanky situation, the more the gross vibes from it will still be in your life. if you are truly recovered from what you did and regret it, etc., just move on. Don't be friends with the guy, don't go to the wedding -- just block off that part of your life and make it something that was but is no longer.

 

Look at it this way: a few years from now, some new dude is going to be all over you to get married, etc. How excited do you think he will be to hear (1) that you cheated on your last b/f (2) that the person you cheated with still fits into your life? Most guys would run from that.

[thegoodhubbie]

I must be incredibly naive, but I can't believe people use each other like this. What you did and what he did, and is doing, is disgusting. Maybe I am being too judgemental, and I am certainly not a saint, but are people really THIS selfish.

 

If you know her well at all, I think you have an obligation to tell this woman what a bastard this guy is. This person's life could be totally ruined by this lying excuse for a man. The two of you have been screwing up to last month, but its "over". I really do not understand this "just sex" mentality. Ever heard of masturbation?

[morrigan]

I'd stay out of the whole situation. Don't have any contact with this guy at all, don't be friends with him. He will eventually screw up his engagement/marriage by his own means, without your need to intervene. Wanting to relieve yourself of guilt is one thing, but giving a tell all to her is not the way to do it. Get on with your life. You don't have any idea what this woman does and does not know.

 

You can't control how this woman will react to your confession (she's probably not going to hug you and say thanks), or the very real potential that it could turn into gossip among your business associates, and affect your job. Steer clear of both of them, if you have to speak to her, only talk about business.

[InfiniteHorizon]

I think that it is extremely important to tell her. Give her the opportunity to find a guy that deserves her love! Afterall you owe her at least that much. Ask yourself if this ever happened to you, would you want to know? I assume yes since you said yes in your post. I definitely would want to know.

 

Please please tell her! If she doesn't leave then it is her fault.

[littlegirl70]

I read everyone’s advice on what herpesita24 should do because I became involved with a man who was living with someone for 12 years. For the first four months, I was just friends with this man, during which time he failed to tell me of his living arrangements (although I asked numerous times). At one point, he told me that he thought of me all of the time and eventually our relationship became physical – that is when he admitted to being involved. He swore that he never cheated before (which I found hard to believe as he goes out of state for business and is in a band). I have never dated anyone else’s boyfriend, but there was this chemistry between us and I had little resistance whenever we together (and he felt the same).

 

After the first time, I decided to tell him we should just remain friends because I knew the outcome would be confusion on his part and pain on mine. But the next time I saw him we ended up in bed. This went on for a couple more months. The last time that I saw him, he told me that he thought of me all of the time and was considering telling his girlfriend. I panicked. A week later, he called and told me that he was having all of these dreams and the guilt was consuming him. He suggested that we try being friends and see how that worked. I reminded him that he started this, pursued me, and didn’t respect my wishes when I said we should just be friends. I also told him I was hurt because I had not been in a relationship with anyone for over a year due to two abusive relationships (which he was aware of) and felt that he took advantage of me. However, I accepted his decision to be friends.

 

I believe that he is confused – and not just because of the sex; it was what he said to me. His confusion will only be complicated if we remain friends. And, I’m not sure he is really a friend considering what he did to me. Not only did he hurt me because I had trusted him (the first man in over a year), but he also betrayed his live-in girlfriend. These posts seem to allude to anonymously telling the girlfriend (which I can do because I know who she is), but I’m not sure if it’s my place to tell her about us… although I doubt he will.

[magda]

I think she will not appreciate hearing it from you. She either knows already or wouldn't believe you at all. I think telling her would end up being a bad career move.

 

Anyway, perhaps in the last few months their relationship has improved and they're working through their problems.

[littlegirl70]

Magda,

 

Are you telling herpesita24 that the fiancé either knows already or wouldn't believe her or are you telling me? In my case, the girlfriend lives in another state and does not know about me … we don’t have any connection other than him. Also, I have no idea what their relationship is like, but I personally believe cheating is a symptom of a bigger problem (I didn't cheat during 18 years of an unhappy marriage)...

 

Littlegirl70

[magda]

No littlegirl, i wasn't talking to you. I didn't notice that you bumped up this old topic instead of making your own.

 

But I don't think you should tell her, either. And stop acting like he forced you into the affair, that is stupid. He didn't betray you or take advantage of you by being more than friends with you - that is ridiculous. Sex takes two people. You are pretending like you were just a pawn and had no choice in the matter? Yeah right. Why do you need him as a friend at all?

 

Yes, cheating is a symptom of a bigger problem. That is precisely why I say that if she does believe your story, she probably didn't need to hear it. If she doesn't want to believe your story she won't.

 

Let them manage their own problems and stay out of it.

[RecordProducer]

He has a son from two other women? How can two women have one son? I guess you meant two sons.

 

You've already posted this a few months ago and got replies. Why are you posting again? Can't decide what to do?

 

This guy is a cheater and I would also want to know if I were his fiancee. Maybe she is completely not aware of his "habits" and you would actually help her. If it were your sister or best friend, you would tell her, right?

 

If you decide to tell her and do it personally (on the phone or email or even better in person), she will believe you. If you send an anonymous letter, it will probably end up in the trash after he swears that somebody is setting him up and he never even looked at another woman. Take responsibility for your actions. He might be vindictive so be careful. He might come to your husband some day and lie to him that you cheated with him while married.

 

It's more moral to tell her, but easier to not tell her.

[littlegirl70]

Sorry, I read the responses to this and didn't mean to "bump up" this old topic... new at this so accept my apologies.

 

Anyway, I technically did not have an affair since I was not involved with anyone. He was living with someone and didn't tell me... by the time he did, it was after we were involved. And, we really were just friends. I confided some very personal things to him - so without going into great detail, he took advantage of me knowing these things.

 

But, you are right. Sex takes two people. I did try telling him that we should just remain friends... but he was the one who continued to pursue me and regretably, I lost control.

 

Now, I do not think he can be a friend because he did not behave as a friend should... plus, it will not help his relationship continuing to be "friends" with me.

 

Well, anyway, thank you for your suggestions. I don't think I should say anything... let them figure it out on their own.