Stay or go? What on earth do I do now?

[Ditherer]

Not much to report. It's got to the point where The Wife is telling me she's fed up with how cold I've been lately, I "should go away and think about it".. but I just don't care anymore. I'm thinking I'd rather be lonely on my own for the rest of my life (if that's the worst outcome) than lonely with her.

 

I WANT to leave.. I just can't face it.

 

I think the best thing to do is tidy up all my stuff so that I *COULD* just up and leave at a moment's notice. Until then, the difficulty of going and leaving half my stuff behind is clouding the issue because it's making it seem too hard to go.

 

So that's my strategy now. Time to de-clutter my life and sort out all the rubbish. Even if I stay, it's worth doing anyway.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

HOLY MOTHER OF.......EVERYTHING SWEET!! Ditherer!! Can't you write a concise paraphrase of your thoughts rather than an entire novella?!

Don't take it personally, pal...but I just couldn't help reacting.

 

You know something? You're writing out your entire thought process in your posts. Not just thoughts, the entire process. And you know why? Because you're try to convince yourself too hard that you're "stuck with the wrong person and want to leave".

 

I'll say this much - if you don't feel "at peace" with your wife, leave. Please don't say stuff like "I don't love her any more". Believe it or not, "love" and the "rush of happiness" of love doesn't last more than a year or so. After you're with your newbie for a while, you certainly ain't gonna feel all maudlin mush either. So I'm using the word "at peace"...something like being satisfied in the home you have now.

 

That being said, I do recognise the fact that one has to have some level of connection with their mates. And you're entitled to find someone who you share a great connection with.

However, in your case I feel a lot of your actions were motivated by the feeling of being inadequate. You couldn't crack it with former GFs, wifey came along too easy, you didn't have that thrill of the chase, but you married wifey all the same 'cause you want someone to take care of you.

 

Please, think about this. Honestly. Only you would know your deepest fears and desires. I agree with Outcast here..."you can't have your cake and eat it too". Look....accept this fact...if you want to leave, do so, with minimum fuss. And no shirking your responsibilities towards your kids or to-be-ex-wife.

And just GO. Hopefully it will all be sunshine for you.

But if it doesn't work out, DO NOT come back crawling. You'd have no right to. If, after you leave, you don't manage to find someone to really care for you, don't feel sorry for yourself. You'll have to accept to be alone, and accept what you lost.

 

Boy...your post made me post a long post too!! Oh well. I'm sure you're capable enough to decide for certain. But please, please make sure that you're not doing this because of feelings of inadequacy or incompleteness or boredom. Have you ever asked yourself if you made the effort to like her and not think about her not-pretty face or not-pretty voice?!! Jeez...that's shallow.. ...you forgot that when you felt lonely and abandoned, she was there for you.

 

Ok...'nuff said.

[Iluvsiamese]

Bravo, This Too Shall Pass! Very well said.

 

Ditherer, you need to pull yourself together. No one is going to provide you with the ultimate answer. You made a few mistakes and now it is up to you to fix it. I get the feeling from your posts that you are looking for someone else to do it for you.

 

1) You got married too soon. You don't know what someone is all about in a year. It takes a lot of time. 2) You expect the warm fuzzies to be permanent. Doesn't ever happen. 3) Pretty faces, pretty voices, and IQ's are not what makes someone lovable--or not lovable. Perfection is not out there just waiting for you. No matter how great it seems, there will be a glitch that drives you nuts AND it will be in direct proportion to the things that you find attractive. In other words, the greater the attractive point, the nastier the glitch will be. Are you willing to put up with it? 4) You are the one who has to make it happen here. Doesn't matter if it is with your wife or with someone else. The question is are you willing to make that much effort? Doesn't sound like it.

 

You know, maybe your wife thinks that you are a silly git with your priorities all arse-backward but she is willing to put up with you. Maybe she finds the "little boy" endearing. Some women do, but there are fewer and fewer out there who have the patience for that. You might be surprised at what she really thinks as women can be very good at hiding this sometimes.

[Jtizzle]

Ok Dith, i have read all of the first post, and skimmed the other posts to get acquainted with your situation.. Ill start off with agreeing with RP onthe kids issue.. You have to think of them, not only do they need shelter which youve stated that youd pay for, but they need love, and i think youve said in your post that youd visit them.. so thats good..

 

Far as your wife goes...My best buddy is going through a divorce now, and he told me that his new motto for life is do not depend on anybody for your happiness, and also a relationship should be 50/50, you do what you have to do with your 50 to make the relationship work, and if they other doesnt do their share, then press on..,it seems you have your mind set on leaving..if that be the case then i say best of luck to you..but before you leave, i suggest you be totally upfront with your wife on your feelings..its better to tell her the truth so that she can know what she did wrong ( in your eyes) and be able to acknowledge, and work on it for the next guy..you at least owe her that much to be honest and upfront with her.

 

Life is short, and earth is hell, and the little happiness you get from this hellhole is spending it with someone that you WANT to, not someone that you feel you are forced to..if you feel that you arent able to find some kind of standing ground with this lady then you should get out as soon as possible.. no need in staying with someone that you cant see yourself with for another 20yrs...as someone stated above, arranged marriages turn out ok..yes indeed they do..i tink it was a movie, i forgot which one, where it had this old guy talking to his granddaughter about love..and he said that he didnt love his wife for 20yrs (it was arranged), but he said he grew fond of her when she stood by his side when he got sick and everybody had left him..and then that fondness grew into a deep love for her..now this was a lady that he found he wasnt compatible with and wasnt attracted to,etc...but in time he grew to love her...

 

now im not saying stay with her and see if things work out 30 plus yrs from now..everyone is entitled to their happiness and if she doesnt make you smile at the sound of her name, or make you think of her at work then you should just move on...see me, im 18 and i know that life is short, and when i date a person if he seems not to be the one, or someone that can share my goals and listen and have a sense of humor, then i let him be on his way...time is precious, and i dont have it to waste...sad, but thats how you gotta think in life..

 

no one is more important than you, remember that...you gotta please yourself and be pleased WITH yourself, in order to be truly happy..this is how i see the whole honesty thing..why lie to a person to make them feel good, when the ending result of you lying to make THEM feel good is gonna make you feel bad? why do that..you are not obligated to make anyone happy but yourself..so when it comes to telling the truth to others, dont lie to them, but do it in a tactful way..that way youll be honest and saying how you feel, and youll feel better for saying how you feel, instead of lyin to them and feeling horrible about it...

 

before you leave your wife, if you do..can you honestly answer us on LS who have posted to your post, and to yourself, that you have tried in this relationship to know your wife fully, and to find some common ground? you cant say you tried in a fight, if you just gave up and quit..

[Ditherer]

It's late and I have to head to bed (I wish I hadn't come here LAST today!), so I'll sleep on it and get back to you soon. I'd just like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to comment.. it REALLY means a lot to me, I'm touched, this whole thing has been a bit stressful lately, to say the least.

 

Still thinking about Affair-Babe but accepting it's all too unknown to worry about.

 

Still empty inside when I look at my wife - and still unsure whether to make an effort to fix things or whether it would just prolong the inevitable.

 

Catch you soon. Have a great week.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Thanks, iluvSiamese...yeah, I do think Ditherer needs to realize the fact that he is the one who's gonna have to work towards changing his situation, whether he leaves his wife or not.

 

Dithy, if you think you will be happier if you leave your wife, no matter what the consequences are, then do so. But also keep in mind that it will now be you who'll be required to meet the standards of the newbie. You won't have the ready affection that your wife gives you now.

And by all means, a relationship should be one wherein both partners make a effort to keep the other happy. So while it's not entirely wrong to want some challenge and not be complacent, also keep in mind that this time around you'll be the one having to make a substantial amount of effort. And from your previous experience, you know you get really upset when your efforts aren't appreciated by other women.

 

So all I'm saying is, be prepared and work towards whatever change you want - around you as well as within you.

 

Once again, I'll ask you this: Have you ever tried to really talk to your wife, at her level, and discuss the things you don't like about her? And I mean in a loving, caring manner, not as her matronly headmistress! Come on, give her a break - you aren't exactly perfect either! Don't act hostile towards her and get all turned off without even making an effort to talk....and then get more enraged when she "doesn't get it".

 

I'd also like to say something in response to Jtizzle's quote on "Smiling when you think about her and thinking of her at work". That's what happens with your girlfriend or new wife. Not with someone who you've been married to for 10 years, even if the woman is Catherine Zeta-Jones. Life gets routine and mundane, you love and cherish your partner deeply, no doubt, but you don't really spend time thinking about them at work when there's much more responsibility on your shoulders of getting the darned work done!!

 

Ditherer, take a good look at yourself. Are you, in any way, scared and trying to escape resonsibility? Are you scared that you'll lose someone who you find attractive, if you don't act right now? Have you really, sincerely made an effort? (And a weekend is not effort, give it a couple of months). And finally, are you ready to accept ALL the consequences - including the risk of being alone and/or having your efforts rejected?

 

If your answers to the above are NO to the first two and YES to the last two, then you're ready to go ahead and move out.

[Ditherer]

I've read and re-read these recent messages, and to be honest, nothing's really resonating here. I keep hearing that the "in-love feeling" I'm yearning for doesn't last, and yet from chatting to my more experienced friends it's quite plainly obvious that I've never TRULY been in real love at all, in my life of limited success with women. I keep hearing that when you find someone who really *is* truly The One you'll REALLY know it and realise that all your previous relationships were nowhere near as good. That blissful state is something I'd love to reach, and I'll never get the chance if I stay with someone who certainly feels nothing like any "The One" (however good she has been in many ways).

 

So who am I to believe? Several couples I know who truly seem to have found their ideal match and can't believe how lucky they are (I include some old couples who are still very much besotted with each other after several decades) - or the doomsayers here who seem to think the best anyone can hope for is an enjoyable phase of infatuation followed by warm friendship that needs constant "working at" (which strikes me as a pretty dull prospect). I'll search for the rest of my life for someone who feels *right* (in the way that my wife never has) - and if I never make it, at

least I'll know I died trying, instead of spending many more dull years hemmed in by my current situation.

 

At the moment there is no newby. I've let go of Affair-Babe (no contact for many weeks now), I've passed through denial, anger, acceptance, the lot. I wouldn't want to know now, even if she called me out of the blue and said she was sorry and could we start again. I'm cheesed off with her that she's cut me out of her life totally. She can't be The One For Me if she can treat me like that, and all the other ways she wasn't quite right.. I want better than that. We could have been good for a while, but I now realise it wouldn't have lasted. I know it never felt quite right from the start, and I should never allow myself to fall for someone again unless they're as keen as I am.

 

There is no-one else taking any interest in me. I'm so disillusioned with women I'd rather give them a miss for a while. No-one seems attractive to me at the moment, apart from the kind of 10/10 stunners that would laugh in my old 6/10 face if I dared look at them for more than a moment. I'm so fed up with all these crappy miserable lovesick feelings that I sometimes wonder if it's worth it any more, although I do remember how much I enjoyed myself this year - so yes of course it's still what I want. But I can wait.

 

I still want to leave, I'll happily work my way through a year or two of loneliness if I have to. No-one's likely to be interested in someone going through a divorce. It feels highly unlikely that I'll ever find anyone again, but deep down I trust Him Up There to help me to help myself. He won't let me down, I have that much faith.

And even if the worst that can happen is that I'll be alone with no-one to love..

how's that any different from staying married to someone who doesn't hit the spot either? What have I really got to lose from trying?

 

Am I "scared and trying to escape responsibility"? I'm scared of hurting people, doing the wrong thing and then regretting for years - that's the main thing, that's why I'm having so much trouble deciding what to do. Responsibility is no problem, apart from anything I may be considered to "owe" to my wife for the pleasure of having made vows to her. At least one or two of the vows I made have been broken, one of which (to love her) shows no sign of being fixable, so that makes the whole thing null and void to me. But I'll understand if anyone feels I've let her down badly. How can I help that? Do I have to stay with her miserably just to honour some hopeless committment from years ago?!

 

Am I "scared that I'll lose someone who I find attractive, if I don't act right now"? I've already lost my "babe", and there's no-one else to consider apart from my wife who I'm only mildly attracted to (not enough to stay with).

Have I "really, sincerely made an effort"? I've stuck with this relationship for somewhere between 15 and 20 years, trying to make the best of it, and I know it's not working. Why should it suddenly start to work if I carry on trying? It's been doomed from the start!!

Yes Jtizzle, I think I *have* "tried in this relationship to know her fully, and to find some common ground".

Am I "ready to accept ALL the consequences - including the risk of being alone and/or having my efforts rejected"? I think I'm nearly there. If I never have anyone ever again, I'm still no worse off than if I remain married and still never have anyone else ever again! At least I'll have a CHANCE to find something that feels right.

 

I just wish I wasn't still too scared to go!

[Ditherer]

No change.

 

Can we have any discussion about the possibility of The One that lasts and lasts, versus the pessimistic view that the best anyone can hope for is an enjoyable phase of infatuation followed by warm friendship that needs constant "working at" ... ???

I'd still like to believe that someone REALLY SPECIAL may be out there, instead of living in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life!

 

thanks

[Iluvsiamese]

Ditherer, you are refusing to face the truth. If you want to continue with the fantasy, go ahead. But there is nothing romantic in the reality of an endless search. In the end you will have nothing but a string of failed relationships. I feel sorry for those who will encounter you.

[Ditherer]

Oh thanks Iluvsiamese!

I'm not mad enough to believe there's only ONE 'soulmate' out there for me.. I'm sure we are all compatible with many other potential partners and it's just a matter of random chance which of them we meet first. I simply would rather find someone I'm a lot more compatible with, because I've just about reached the end of the road with my incompatible wife. That's the whole thing summed up.. and it sure makes it sound simple to figure out what I need to do. It doesn't actually FEEL that easy in reality!

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Oh thanks Iluvsiamese!

I'm not mad enough to believe there's only ONE 'soulmate' out there for me.. I'm sure we are all compatible with many other potential partners and it's just a matter of random chance which of them we meet first. I simply would rather find someone I'm a lot more compatible with, because I've just about reached the end of the road with my incompatible wife. That's the whole thing summed up.. and it sure makes it sound simple to figure out what I need to do. It doesn't actually FEEL that easy in reality!

 

Ditherer, there is no correct answer for a given situation. Of course, there are bad choices vs. good ones, hasty decisions vs. measured ones. But for all we know, we choose what suits us.

 

If you know what you don't want, and if the cons of being in your current relationship outweigh the pros, then do yourself a favor and take the plunge out of it. I'm saying this because this is the solution that you see as best suited to you, and no one else can live your life for you.

 

Every change you encounter or create in your life, has some risk involved. You have to be ready for that. But if you keep "dithering", you won't get anywhere at all.

 

There'll be a hundred different opinions on what "love" is and what a "soulmate" is, but in the end you'll have to take on one viewpoint and go with it. The thing is, if you choose to remain in the present situation, you'll have to change yourself. And if you decide to change your circumstances, they'll cause you to change. Either way, the biggest change will happen within you.

 

Reminds me of the oft-repeated phrase, "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept; And the wisdom to know the difference ". So, so true.

[Iluvsiamese]

Sorry if I have offended you, but the reality is there will not be one who lasts and lasts without considerable effort. Yes, when you want the thrill of love on a perpetual basis, this seems like a very pessimistic notion. The problem is, it is the truth. I am currently in a relationship where we are very (95%) compatible. Are there problems? YES, substantial ones. Do we have to work at it? YES, very hard. Will we make it last and last? MAYBE. Do I wish that things were different and it didn't require so much effort to keep the thrill? OH YES.

 

Another fact is that everyone is REALLY SPECIAL in one way or another. You will meet many who are really special to you and you will find that you still have to work at it. If not, everyday life takes over and removes the shine. How many people give up at this point and start looking around for something that is more exciting? It's up to us to make sure that the relationship grows as we grow together and as individuals. When growth in any area stops, it becomes stagnant and will begin to die. We constantly need to renew ourselves and our relationships and this requires effort on our part. The mistake many make is to decide that they need a new partner and they treat it like trading in for a new car--different color, better stereo, faster, sexier looking, shiny brand new and so on.

 

I am not suggesting that you stay with your wife if you are certain that you want out. But if you are, (and you say you are) get on with it. You are not doing either of you any favors by waiting for some "sign" or for it to feel good. When I hit the wall with my ex-husband, I found it difficult to face the fact that I would be divorced and a single parent. It wasn't what I wanted but I couldn't change it and so I ended the marriage. No, it wasn't fun, it was darn hard, but if I did it, so can you. How do I know? Because I am not an assertive person.

[Ditherer]

Thanks again. I don't know.. I just don't know.. I'm getting nowhere with this.. I'm getting embarrassed about wasting people's time discussing it - I've heard all the advice I'm ever likely to hear and I STILL don't know what to do. All I know is.. I'm getting just as fed up with it as everyone else - so I'll try to avoid it (as usual) by ignoring it, trying to "give myself a break" from it. But that doesn't help either, it's just prolonging the dithering, making it worse.. this is going to escalate into a full blown mental health issue at this rate.

 

Today my wife actually asked me my views about some aspect of her and I couldn't be bothered to be tactful.. I thought I might as well be honest.. it upset her.. she got quite hurt and annoyed with me. But I didn't care.. it's horrible but I'm just cold and empty inside. When she said we'd probably end up apart before the year was out.. I felt a mixture of relief (that she's considering a breakup and can handle the thought of it without EXTREME drama) and some worry - which surprised me.

 

It was odd to get a taste of some the emotions I'd experience if things DID blow up, in advance. It shocked me a little, how close I've come to letting it all fall apart, and how much it would hurt.

 

So I *HAVE* to think it all through some more, however much I'm dithering. I *CANT* make such a devastating decision yet. I'm not ready. Yet.. I don't know how waiting any longer is going to make the solution any clearer. As I sat down to write tonight, I was just going to say thanks but I need to let things settle for a while, let this thread drop off the first page.. get on with my life and.. whatever.. and here I am after another few paragraphs still none the wiser.

 

I'm glad I've got somewhere to write this down.. but I can't expect anyone to remain interested.. I think I should shut up for now, and just post details if anything happens.

So for now, thanks for reading / commenting. I'd welcome any further comments, but I

doubt there's anything anyone could say!

 

Cheers

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

I'd welcome any further comments, but I

doubt there's anything anyone could say!

 

Dithy, Old LSers never die....they just re-hash their posts!!

 

Yes, that's what I was saying before - you have to really think it through, and anticipate all the consequences, and all the reactions - from her, from your kids, and from yourself.

 

The reason that you actually felt a bit worried when she brought this up herself, was because of the feeling "jeez it's really gonna happen", and the thought of change. Yeah, it's unnerving.

 

But you'll have to make a decision - for better or for worse - after giving it a good think-through. You mentioned that you feel all cold and empty inside, when you think of her - not a good sign. But believe me, you'll still miss her - it's normal to feel that way when you're suddenly alone and don't have the familiarity of her around.

 

Anyway - just think it all through and be prepared with a plan, and act on it. Think of the kind of woman you do want, and you preparedness to wait for her and to be alone till then. And yes - also be prepared if things don't work out. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, just giving you the "dark" side of the consequences.

Above all, know yourself.

 

Best luck...

[Ditherer]

Thanks.

It's getting easier. I'm managing to go much longer between each time I end up thinking about the 'affair', and when I do.. I'm getting much better at considering it was NOWHERE NEAR 'real love', it was a like a childish holiday romance doomed to go nowhere. If there was a reason for it happening, it was Up Above's way of opening my eyes to what I'm missing in my life, despite me having so many things to be grateful for.. there's still some hopelessly unresolved needs that I can no longer deny. For now I'm taking my time sorting out my stuff, getting ready so that I can go if I need to. I hope I have the guts to do it before I fall for someone else (if I'd be that "lucky"?!) because one thing I've learnt is how ashamed of myself I am for being unfaithful. I count myself lucky to have had the experience but then also to have learnt that I'm really not proud of it. It's not something I'd tell any future partner about, at least I don't think so.. and it bugs me that I would have to hide it, which isn't as honest as I'd like to be. Maybe if someone comes along who really feels right, we'll be able to be totally honest with each other.. I hope so.

 

If I'm still dithering, it's because just sometime I catch my wife's eye when she's smiling at the kids, and it brings back old comfortable feelings, even though they're just ghosts of happier times. I'm not sure if that happiness could ever return. Maybe it could, if I worked at it.. but it was never SO GOOD that it ever 'scratched the itch' overall. I'm convinced more than ever that if I *DO* go, I won't look back. I'll make the best of whatever life brings me, even if I'm on my own forever more, I really doubt I'd mope around wishing I'd never left. It's just the hassle of doing it that puts me off.

And the kids... our beautiful kids... seeing them just once or twice a week.. that's gonna hurt.

 

One of my friends says I'm still too mixed up to decide.. and I agree. He says leave it at least 3 months - and I'm happy to delay things (the easy cop out), it'll probably take me that long to sort out my mountains of old belongings!

 

So thank you LS, and all who contribute here, you've been a big help. I've read so much good advice on this site, cutting out snippets to paste into my 'diary' file that has recorded how I've felt each day along the way. I can look back and see how I've gradually come to terms with it all. It's got to the point where I can look back on the affair and shrug it off - it doesn't seem real any more - I almost wonder if I dreamt the whole thing! So it's back to my stale rut for now, while I summon up the courage to do what I feel I need to do. I just know it's going to take a while longer though. I have a feeling I'll be dormant here for some time.. I'll keep you posted..

Cheers!

[lilbo]

Ditherer..my situtation is identical to urs...only i'm the wife.

[M.J.]

Hi Ditherer,

 

I met my high school sweetheart about 7 years ago. She was the most amazing thing in the world. Our relationship was somewhat different; it always used to be just me and her. Our friends slowly grew distant as we were so into this beautiful relationship. About 3 years ago however, I chose to go to a University in a different city. I went to this new city all alone with no friends whatsoever. I did however visit my girlfriend as much as I could; ie on long weekends, holidays etc.. I made a promise to her that I would spend the summer with her as it was my choise to go to a University in another city. I avoided making friends because that is how our relationship used to be. As my second year of University approached, I was forced to work in groups for assignments and projects. At this point I started making several new friends. I met new and interesting people. That summer I was offered a research position in the IT field that I could not turn down. It was experience that I needed as a student to kickstart my career. That summer I tried to visit my girlfreind almost every weekend. It was expensive but I still managed to do it.

 

Then the 3rd of university started. I could not travel as much to my hometown to visit my girlfriend because there were so many projects and assignments to do. I also met more and more new people at the same time. I met this one girl ... "The One" that many people say does not exist. This is probably like your "affair-babe". I really liked everything about this girl- everyone around us thought that we were so compatible with each other but I had a girlfriend at the time. My heart would not allow me to even kiss the other girl because of the love I had for my girlfriend. I did not know what to do. As time progressed, I started to hang around this other girl more and more. We went out a few places together. Everything seemed to be going fine except I had girlfriend in another city. I could not leave my girlfriend for another girl. It just was not the right thing to do. I told the other girl that me and my girlfriend were having problems just to get closer to her. It got to a stage where I would go out with this girl and her friends but tell my girlfriend I was just sleeping when she called.

 

A lot of this girl's friends told me to be careful of her as she uses people a lot. They know that I was a smart young man from a well off family. I didn't bother listening to them because it felt like I was in love (or infactuated) with this girl. I just could not say "no" to this girl. I finally decided to talk to my girlfriend about this whole situation. I told her how this girl was using me and how I felt about her. She was so heartbroken but found it in her heart to forgive me. I didn't really cheat on her, but the feelings I had for the other girl was enough to break her heart. The other girl was registed in all my courses and I still had the same "the one" feelings for her. Summer was approaching and I made a promise to my girlfriend to stop talking to this girl. I managed to keep that promise, but our relationship didn't seem the same anymore. I pretty much threw a perfect relationship down the drain by deciding to open up to my girlfriend. It seemed like we were heading down a road where we loved each other deeply but we would end up being friends.

 

When summer did come, I was offered a continual research IT position with the organization that I could not turn down. Once again, I broke the promise of always spending summer with her. I did visit her almost every weekend even though the prices of gas soared this past summer. I did also keep the promise of not talking to the other girl; but deep inside I was constantly thinking about her. I didn't know where my life would take me. I felt like I was losing my mind because I had so many feelings inside but no one to talk to about it. My friends were tired of hearing the same old ****, and I just could not bear to see my girlfriend hurt again.

 

I slowly started to think about all the things I hate about the other girl. I was hoping this would get her off my mind. When I did that, I also started to think about all the things I hated about my girlfriend which was not good. I was at a level where I was comparing which of the two was better. I realized that I was trying way to hard to get with that oooh sooo special girl. My girlfriend appreciated almost everything little thing I did but the other girl didn't. Life should not be like that; I started to realize that this was morever an infactuation that I could not handle on my on. Summer was almost over and my last year of school is about to start. I changed several sections in my curriculum just to avoid being around this girl. I felt that avoiding her would be the best situation. The only problem is that I agreed to do my honours project with her. When school started, somehow she ended up in many of the courses I was in. It was like God wanted us to be together. As school progresses, I met more and more interesting girls that I seemed to click with really easily, but I never lost that "the one" feeling for the other girl. I wish with all my heart and soul that I could have just let go of this girl, because I was hurting my girlfriend so much, and myself.

 

I was thinking about it for a long time and decided that if I felt this way I should be man enough to let my girlfriend go. I could not tell her how I felt though because I was too scared to hurt her. Everytime we had an argument recently, she misinterprets what I say and comes to her own conclusions. I just couldn't bear for her to think that I was leaving her for someone else. I love her so damn much. I love her more than I will love anyone in the world. I feel like an idiot for doing the things that I have done, but I keep telling myself they all happened for a reason. This past weekend, after reading this whole thread, I managed to gather up some courage to tell my girl how I felt. I poured my whole heart and soul to her. I felt like I got a huge burden off my chest. As I was telling her everything, I knew that I was making the biggest decision of my life. I was avoiding this decision because I was not man enough to face the consequences. I have never broken up with anyone before; let alone with someone I love deeply a.ka. my highschool sweetheart.

 

I thought that everything would be okay after this happened, but I entered a severe depressive state because I knew I had made the wrong decision. I have lost and hurt the one I love so much for someone that never really existed. Now after everything, my feelings for that "the one" girl are slowly dissipating, but I have already hurt and lost my beautiful girlfriend. Right now I feel like I don't want to be with anyone ever again. Life changed after I made that big decision, but I still feel a bit better inside knowing that I was able to talk to my girlfriend about it.

 

I read all the threads you and everyone wrote. I know what I wrote is extremely long, but I thought I would give as much detail as possible. I felt like you and I are in exactly the same situation. However, I finally decided to become a man a deal with what was in front of me. I know it is hard, but sometimes you have to think also about how many people you are hurting. In the end, I feel like I made the wrong decision. My advice to you would be to just realize how amazing it is to have someone in your life that loves you so much and cares for you.

 

I was once told before I made my big decision that you are more secure when you have someone who would do anything to be with you. If you left your wife and kids, you would lose that sense of security. You will now have to do everything in your power to keep your new "girl" happy. Imagine she left you- just as you have the idea of leaving your wife and kids? It would probably hurt your ego/pride/self-esteem so bad that you would end up old and single for the rest of your life. Be happy with what you have, the other side always looks better from where you stand... most of the time it is not.

 

I sincerely wish the best to everyone. I hope that you find my story useful and that you make the right decision in your life. If anyone has any words of encouragement for me....

 

M.J.

[d.s.]

Hi Ditherer,

 

I met my high school sweetheart about 7 years ago. She was the most amazing thing in the world. Our relationship was somewhat different; it always used to be just me and her. Our friends slowly grew distant as we were so into this beautiful relationship. About 3 years ago however, I chose to go to a University in a different city. I went to this new city all alone with no friends whatsoever. I did however visit my girlfriend as much as I could; ie on long weekends, holidays etc.. I made a promise to her that I would spend the summer with her as it was my choise to go to a University in another city. I avoided making friends because that is how our relationship used to be. As my second year of University approached, I was forced to work in groups for assignments and projects. At this point I started making several new friends. I met new and interesting people. That summer I was offered a research position in the IT field that I could not turn down. It was experience that I needed as a student to kickstart my career. That summer I tried to visit my girlfreind almost every weekend. It was expensive but I still managed to do it.

 

Then the 3rd of university started. I could not travel as much to my hometown to visit my girlfriend because there were so many projects and assignments to do. I also met more and more new people at the same time. I met this one girl ... "The One" that many people say does not exist. This is probably like your "affair-babe". I really liked everything about this girl- everyone around us thought that we were so compatible with each other but I had a girlfriend at the time. My heart would not allow me to even kiss the other girl because of the love I had for my girlfriend. I did not know what to do. As time progressed, I started to hang around this other girl more and more. We went out a few places together. Everything seemed to be going fine except I had girlfriend in another city. I could not leave my girlfriend for another girl. It just was not the right thing to do. I told the other girl that me and my girlfriend were having problems just to get closer to her. It got to a stage where I would go out with this girl and her friends but tell my girlfriend I was just sleeping when she called.

 

A lot of this girl's friends told me to be careful of her as she uses people a lot. They know that I was a smart young man from a well off family. I didn't bother listening to them because it felt like I was in love (or infactuated) with this girl. I just could not say "no" to this girl. I finally decided to talk to my girlfriend about this whole situation. I told her how this girl was using me and how I felt about her. She was so heartbroken but found it in her heart to forgive me. I didn't really cheat on her, but the feelings I had for the other girl was enough to break her heart. The other girl was registed in all my courses and I still had the same "the one" feelings for her. Summer was approaching and I made a promise to my girlfriend to stop talking to this girl. I managed to keep that promise, but our relationship didn't seem the same anymore. I pretty much threw a perfect relationship down the drain by deciding to open up to my girlfriend. It seemed like we were heading down a road where we loved each other deeply but we would end up being friends.

 

When summer did come, I was offered a continual research IT position with the organization that I could not turn down. Once again, I broke the promise of always spending summer with her. I did visit her almost every weekend even though the prices of gas soared this past summer. I did also keep the promise of not talking to the other girl; but deep inside I was constantly thinking about her. I didn't know where my life would take me. I felt like I was losing my mind because I had so many feelings inside but no one to talk to about it. My friends were tired of hearing the same old ****, and I just could not bear to see my girlfriend hurt again.

 

I slowly started to think about all the things I hate about the other girl. I was hoping this would get her off my mind. When I did that, I also started to think about all the things I hated about my girlfriend which was not good. I was at a level where I was comparing which of the two was better. I realized that I was trying way to hard to get with that oooh sooo special girl. My girlfriend appreciated almost everything little thing I did but the other girl didn't. Life should not be like that; I started to realize that this was morever an infactuation that I could not handle on my on. Summer was almost over and my last year of school is about to start. I changed several sections in my curriculum just to avoid being around this girl. I felt that avoiding her would be the best situation. The only problem is that I agreed to do my honours project with her. When school started, somehow she ended up in many of the courses I was in. It was like God wanted us to be together. As school progresses, I met more and more interesting girls that I seemed to click with really easily, but I never lost that "the one" feeling for the other girl. I wish with all my heart and soul that I could have just let go of this girl, because I was hurting my girlfriend so much, and myself.

 

I was thinking about it for a long time and decided that if I felt this way I should be man enough to let my girlfriend go. I could not tell her how I felt though because I was too scared to hurt her. Everytime we had an argument recently, she misinterprets what I say and comes to her own conclusions. I just couldn't bear for her to think that I was leaving her for someone else. I love her so damn much. I love her more than I will love anyone in the world. I feel like an idiot for doing the things that I have done, but I keep telling myself they all happened for a reason. This past weekend, after reading this whole thread, I managed to gather up some courage to tell my girl how I felt. I poured my whole heart and soul to her. I felt like I got a huge burden off my chest. As I was telling her everything, I knew that I was making the biggest decision of my life. I was avoiding this decision because I was not man enough to face the consequences. I have never broken up with anyone before; let alone with someone I love deeply a.ka. my highschool sweetheart.

 

I thought that everything would be okay after this happened, but I entered a severe depressive state because I knew I had made the wrong decision. I have lost and hurt the one I love so much for someone that never really existed. Now after everything, my feelings for that "the one" girl are slowly dissipating, but I have already hurt and lost my beautiful girlfriend. Right now I feel like I don't want to be with anyone ever again. Life changed after I made that big decision, but I still feel a bit better inside knowing that I was able to talk to my girlfriend about it.

 

I read all the threads you and everyone wrote. I know what I wrote is extremely long, but I thought I would give as much detail as possible. I felt like you and I are in exactly the same situation. However, I finally decided to become a man a deal with what was in front of me. I know it is hard, but sometimes you have to think also about how many people you are hurting. In the end, I feel like I made the wrong decision. My advice to you would be to just realize how amazing it is to have someone in your life that loves you so much and cares for you.

 

I was once told before I made my big decision that you are more secure when you have someone who would do anything to be with you. If you left your wife and kids, you would lose that sense of security. You will now have to do everything in your power to keep your new "girl" happy. Imagine she left you- just as you have the idea of leaving your wife and kids? It would probably hurt your ego/pride/self-esteem so bad that you would end up old and single for the rest of your life. Be happy with what you have, the other side always looks better from where you stand... most of the time it is not.

 

I sincerely wish the best to everyone. I hope that you find my story useful and that you make the right decision in your life. If anyone has any words of encouragement for me....

 

M.J.

[Ditherer]

Many thanks for your contribution M.J./d.s - you must be desperate for advice to have read all this thread!! I'm not sure I can help you, seeing as I can barely help myself - I wish I could.

 

There seems to be some key differences between our scenarios.. you say you really love your gf you've just dumped whereas I feel I've never truly loved my wife (and would gladly leave ASAP if there were no repercussions). While I think our 'other women' were both nothing more than infatuations, you are still pining for yours while I've accepted mine was a lost cause.. and you still have to face yours while I've had two months without a word or glance of her (which has made it much easier to deal with recently, bless her for the No Contact!). Plus I'm married, with two kids, a jointly owned house I'd still have to pay for (to maintain her - the mortgage would be cheaper than anything suitable she could rent) - that marriage certificate and the scary word 'divorce' makes things a *lot* harder for me IMHO.

 

I'm still left with the non-choice of staying in a marriage that means nothing to me (which isn't viable - I *HAVE* to face leaving) or facing life on my own for the first time ever at the age of ... a couple of years short of 40 - sad, huh? I have to be fully prepared to be totally alone rather than alone in the same house as a woman who loves me. You though.. you're plenty young enough to find someone new... or see how it goes with the new 'The One'.. or maybe you could still patch things up with your sweetheart? I'm a bit puzzled how much you really loved her, and how you can regret the dumping, if you fell for someone else and actually dumped your gf?! I think maybe it's too soon for you to reach any definite conclusion, you need to let things settle for

a while.

 

I congratulate you on being far more of a man than I've managed yet. You faced your feelings and did what you felt you had to do. I suspect that deep down you know that neither of these two ladies was truly right for you - you are better off putting the whole thing behind you and moving on. When you've healed from this current trauma, someone else will come along. You've already clicked with two wonderful women.. you've got what it takes to attract more. All you can do is learn from the experience and move on, staying positive. Build a life for yourself on your own, make yourself the man you want to be, and everything will click into place eventually.

 

As for the security of having someone love you.. I've come to believe that it doesn't count for much if I don't feel the same in return. However, I'm not totally sure this belief is correct, so I'm waiting for a while to see if I might be wrong.. it has been known before! I have felt for a long time that my relationship with my wife has help me grow as a person. But then, I've been with her since I was a teenager.. left home with her.. got married.. bought a house.. had kids.. it would be difficult NOT to grow after all that. Besides, I'm twice as old now as I was before she came along. I really don't know how much my self-belief, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-whatever actually depends upon simply being a husband, a father, a home-owner, a bloke-with-good-job, etc. So the fear of the unknown is also keeping me from making a decision. I think I'll get there sooner or later. We 'had words' at the weekend.. she said she knows I'm not happy, would I be better off with someone else? I joked that I didn't want anyone else, I've learnt my lesson that women are a pain in the **** and I'd rather be single, hehe. She said fine, if that's what I want.. but "you're not getting the kids. You can see them at the weekend, if you're good!" - which was funny enough to make us both laugh, and that was the end of that. A few days earlier a similar attempt to talk resulted in "we'll sell the house and go our own ways" ... so she's been thinking about it a lot, it seems. Looks like it might not be so hard to split up after all. So long as we can both cope emotionally without going mad... it looks like the practical realities of breaking up might actually suit both of us. We'll see. She's planning Xmas already though, so she's counting on us still being together then!

 

Best of luck.. please keep us posted on here.. I'm sure many of us would love to know how you get on.

Cheers

[Lil Honey]

I simply would rather find someone I'm a lot more compatible with, because I've just about reached the end of the road with my incompatible wife.

 

Ditherer: If you want to find someone else, then do so. I don't see the point in you AND your wife living an empty, loveless life together and feeling lonely together.

 

Do a lot of thinking, soul-searching and planning, then just do it. Just remember, if you leave your wife, it's likely that there will be no one there to pick up your laundry off the floor or listen to your bad day at work. You may be alone for quite a while. You are miserable IN your marriage, but will you be more miserable OUT of it? If you think that you will be more miserable OUT of your marriage, then stay in it and MAKE it better.

 

Marriage can be a lot like a college education. The students who have the expenses all paid don't seem to appreciate the diploma as much as a student who has worked three part-time jobs to get the diploma. So, it isn't the destination, it's the journey along the way that builds memories - and character.

 

Lil Honey

[Ditherer]

Thanks Lil Honey.

At the moment I still think I would be happier OUT of the marriage, even if I'm alone for years.. there's always hope. Just ONE halfway decent relationship, even if it doesn't last, would still be more than I'll ever have here. I do my own laundry anyway, and wouldn't bother talking about my bad day at work either!

 

I'm getting over my 'affair babe' so well now.. after a couple of months of No Contact.. I'm starting to find other women interesting again (I was so infatuated before, that I simply wasn't interested in anyone else)... so there's hope.. I'm feeling more human again. At last! She seems absurd now.. I'd ignore her if I saw her.. I can't believe how nuts I was about her.. now it's finally sunk in that she wasn't that "into me" as I was deluding myself. Worrying really.. how can I trust my own judgement any more?! How could I have been so wrong when it felt so good? I just have to hope I'll able to resist getting involved with anyone else unless I'm VERY sure about them.

 

Although I'm still dithering, certain things about relationships seem quite clear these days. I've been reading so many threads here on LS and all it all seems so simple! All these people suffering agonies because they feel great love for ex-partners who simply "weren't that *into* them". I sit here reading it all and think "Just get over it and move on!! They don't want you any more!! It wasn't REAL!! Why torture yourself missing something that simply isn't going to happen any more?! I know it hurts but let go!! Get out there and find someone *WORTH* it!!". I've worked my way through this one, and I wish everyone here who's hurting the best of luck in getting through it too. It's scary really - I hope I never get that sad about anyone else.. but I probably will. I know I've got a lot to learn and remembering how Iluvsiamese said "I feel sorry for those who will encounter you." - I'm starting to wonder if I should just become a hermit instead.

 

I feel like the rest of my life is stretched ahead of me like a black canvas, and I've no idea what will get painted onto it.. it could be anything.. it's up to me to make it what I can. I've got the chance to try to break free, I don't *HAVE* to stay here in this rut. That's a liberating thought.. I just haven't truly convinced myself it's possible yet.

Cheers!

[Ditherer]

Well, that'll teach me to get cocky about how simple things are to deal with.. guess who I saw today? Yup.. 'affair babe' .. with yet another bloke (not the one she dumped me for!). She was arm-in-arm with him, walking down the street, looking really happy. We both caught each other's eye, and looked away again. I'm glad I've had the chance to ignore her, glad that I was looking OK and smiling at the time, hehe.

 

It knocked the wind out of my sails a bit, I must admit, but I've not been anywhere near upset enough to want to cry about it, thank goodness. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it because I was on my way home, and my mates are all busy, but I've had a few supportive SMS text messages. Anyhow, I've got to learn to cope with this sort of thing, especially if I intend to 'play again'!

 

I really needed to see it, I think. Now it's *REALLY* sunk in just how little I figure in her life any more. Maybe I can let go completely now, without still clinging to the pathetic hope that we could be friends again one day. What would be the point? How could that work?

I need to put it all behind me and move on.

 

Back to the dithering about The Marriage then...

Cheers

[Razorback05]

Greetings, Ditherer.

 

Reading your story reminded me alot of my ex-marriage. Maybe a little of my own story coupled with my less-than-fantastic conclusion will give you some insight.

 

My ex was always the pursuer. She called me for dates. She said "I love you" first. Heck, she even asked me to marry her. We had a lil' one on the way, so why not?

 

I went through alot of the same that you are experiencing in your marriage. Lack of interest, lack of stimulating conversation (it wasn't that she's not smart...she was more common-sense and I'm more of a bookworm), very little motivation to try new things.

 

This went on for years, and culminated in me having an emotional affair and asking for a divorce. We separated. During this time I came to a conclusion: I was a greedy fool. I came to realize that this "boredom" I felt was not boredom; it was contentment. The lack of stimulating conversation was lack of effort on my part. I realized that I took everything for granted and somehow had come to feel entitled to having more than I was giving. I came to realize just how much coming home to a family that couldn't wait to have me there meant to me. I wasn't lost at all per se, I just had everything I ever wanted and didn't know where to go from there...

 

We got back to together and stayed that way for a year but she never forgot just how much I hurt her with the emotional affair (I confessed to it). We separated, she got a new man and now we're about to be divorced. To me, it's like a nightmare that never ends because in the end I realize that it is all my fault and that my foolishness cost me my family life. Any man on this board who lost this will tell you the same: it hurts more than you can possibly imagine until you are actually in that situation.

 

God be with you.

[Ditherer]

Thanks, that's the kind of real-life experience that's valuable to hear about, something to bear in mind while I figure out exactly how relevant it is to my case - it certainly sounds very similar, but maybe I've less love for my wife than you had for yours? Can these cases ever be compared fully, like-for-like?

I like to think that SomeOne Up There brought me this one to consider today, not necessarily at face value, but as something to make me think.. and slot into the Big Picure. More 'awareness' if you like... I'm supposed to use whatever brain power He blessed me with to decide just how likely it is that I'd end up the same way, rather than divorced and blissfully relieved to have got away while I could.

 

I can't believe that EVERY guy who leaves his wife in this way will regret it. Surely we (here on LS) only hear from the ones for who it DIDN'T go well. Those who are glad they left will be having no regrets and won't feel the need to hang out on this website! I'd prefer to consider the wealth of experience that resulted in the Stay/Leave book I've recently read... where all the different ways a relationship could be good or bad are examined.. and if certain things are wrong I believe the therapist author that most of the individuals who stayed or left were either glad or sorry that they did - as the case may be. But I'm really glad you took the trouble to post your story.. THANK YOU.. you have given me a lot to think about tonight (taking my mind off other things, which is very welcome today).

 

I think it's a smart thing to learn from other people's mistakes, but did you *make* a mistake? Or did you follow a path that was simply inevitable, all things considered? Could you have possibly followed another path, given how you felt at the time? I think you might be blaming yourself too much? Forgive yourself a bit.. we all do what we think is for the best at any given moment, don't we? Did you at any time face a choice and consciously decide "I know, I'll do what's quite plainly wrong!"?! You did what you felt was for the best, given what information and feelings you had at the time. Hindsight is a great thing, but you weren't to know back then. And what was the alternative, the path you'll never know about because it never happened?

How would things have ended up for you, if you HADN'T worked your way through all you've been through? Quite apart from the fact that any one of a multitude of nasty things could have happened anyway (even if you *HAD* 'done the right thing')... no matter how comfortable you now think you were back then, at the time it simply wasn't working for you, was it? How can you say you had everything you ever wanted without realising it? I just don't yet see how this is possible! If it feels bad, something's wrong! But how wrong? This is what I was getting at in my original post : "Is my comfortable-but-dull rut something other people would love to have?! Is boredom a luxury 'enjoyed' by those who have nothing serious to worry about?". I can't answer that for myself yet. Maybe I never will?

 

So that's where I am.. what am I supposed to do? None of us know how things will work out until we make a move and get on with it. I still find I'm so fed up with everyday life I'd rather start again - able to do what I want when I want, because I feel so hemmed in. I can't see what the alternative could be - how could I build upon what I *HAVE* got, and add to it to make life richer for all of us? The stuff I yearn for simply isn't the kind of stuff I can do as a married dad. Even after all these months thinking it over from all angles, I still don't know if family life is something I'd miss as much as you say, if I've been cheesed off with it all for so long. From even BEFORE the kids arrived. But as you say : "more than you can possibly imagine until you are actually in that situation" - scary! But the Kids Aspect of 'family life' is different to the Wife Aspect.. if I'm 100% sure I just can't go on with my sweary-mary dull-as-f*** thick-as-sh** wife I no longer fancy (do I never have sex ever again?!!), it means that 'family life' simply isn't viable any more. Besides, kids grow up.. and when they've left home I DO NOT WANT to be left with just the two of us... *shudder* I was *SO* close to leaving in August, just for a *CHANCE* with 'Affair-Babe' (or life on my own if it didn't come to anything)... so how can I POSSIBLY love my wife?! The marriage is over when the love has gone! Surely I don't DESERVE to still be here. I haven't even got the balls to tell her about it. Maybe I should leave and suffer because I deserve to. I should pay for it!

 

I didn't sleep a wink last night. Mostly because Wifey was coughing all the time, but guess who was on my mind all night.. so I'm *still* not over her! Did I forget to mention that no matter how I'm starting to fancy other young ladies again, she still looked fantastic.. and her new bloke was younger than me, taller and beefier, more stylish, more hair... she's certainly done well... too well I suspect.. perhaps a bit mismatched.. I know it's bad to think this but (how can I help it!) I fully expect she's fallen for him very deeply already and he'll probably dump her.. and some part of me would take a smug satisfaction from that, LOL. Overall I'd like to think I'm big enough to be glad she's found some happiness, but I'd be surprised (knowing as much of her as I do) if it lasts. Of course I did the obvious thing, lying awake in the small hours, imagining her dumped time and time again, finally crawling back to me and saying how stupid she'd been to give up waiting for me... hahahahaha... as if.. In the cold light of day I KNOW we both held back because we both knew it didn't feel quite right, but we both enjoyed the attention for a while, having been starved of that sort of thing for a while. It wasn't really going anywhere. I just wish I hadn't got so carried away with it, I had some incredibly strong emotions by end of it, it really hurt. I can only blame myself. Still, it feels more OVER than ever, which is good. I don't even want the possibility of Just Good Friends any more, after the way she's behaved she's got to be worthless to me.. I want better than that. For us to even start talking again would be to start completely from scratch once more. I can't see either of us finding any motivation for that!

I know she was a bad turn off the road to happiness. I need to make sure I find my way back to the main road and carry on in the right direction again, leaving this wrong turn fully behind me. It's OK to inadvertantly stray from the Right Way sometimes, it's something to learn from, we just need to realise we went the wrong way and find the strength to turn it around and head back to where we were before.. and set off towards Better Things once more (with a clearer idea of where we are, hopefully!).

 

I have no intention of confessing or letting The Wife find out about the 'affair', so the one option I think may be the only sensible solution is a trial sep. - for me to 'sort my head out'.. with no real reasons given as to why, that's just tough luck for her I'm afraid, however hard it would make it for her to deal with.. I'd be selfishly keeping my options open rather than giving her the full facts of why it was happening. So, if I do feel very silly about leaving (as you did RB), hopefully I'd be able to make some plausible excuses and return.

 

But as for leaving just yet... I can't. I'm trapped. My escape route is blocked. My mum and dad are so ill with stress (other family difficulties!) that I simply can't add to their worries or turn up on their doorstep. My dad was crying today and saying how it might be easier to hang himself! I've been dealing with this too, for years, worse than ever for the last year or two now.

Plus, I still haven't tidied up all my stuff. And I'll need support - my best mate #1 is now well settled with a young lady (first one for years!) and doesn't have much time for me.. best mate #2 is going away for a few months.. and #3 has just re-married deliriously happily - the last thing he needs is a buddy on a major downer to put a crimp in his lifestyle. So I'll just carry on dithering a bit longer... while our youngest passes through a vital character-formation stage of toddler-hood as stress-freely as possible........

 

Cheers Razorback05, I wish you luck.. you'll have another chance I'm sure. If you realised where you'd gone wrong after your first sep and still the two of you couldn't make a go of it afterwards, I guess it wasn't strong enough to save.. and surely she must take some of the blame for not being able to forgive you and work through it? It sounds like it wasn't meant to be, and I hope that you'll get through the hurt that's 'more than I can possibly imagine' and start again. Best of luck..

 

Well, that was several hours of thoughts all 'condensed' into this short posting *grin*... nice therapy, this writing.. cheers!

[Razorback05]

Thanks for the kind words, Ditherer. This writing certainly is good therapy.

 

For me, what I'm going through is a mixture of guilt and anguish. I'm unsure of just how much of it is guilt, but I'm aware that a great deal of it is.

 

I remember when I first told her I wanted a divorce. Man, it was like watching a child get their heart broken. She attempted suicide. She begged and pleaded and cried herself to sleep. I was too "sure of what I wanted" and too "inlove" with my emotional affair to consider the damage I was doing. Maybe I never loved her like I sometimes lead myself to believe if I was capable of hurting her like this? If I didn't, then what are these memories of us sharing love? See, I have alot of questions myself.

 

I just got out of a 5-month dating relationship with a wonder gal, and I haven't even bothered posting about that. It didn't even really phase me (it was a mutual breakup) and all I can think about is the divorce. I know for certain that the ex has moved on, because she is now engaged and has already had a child with the new man (she was pregnant within 3 months of our final separation). I dunno much except that I am somehow still lost and struggling to find a way to happiness.

 

I'm in no way suggesting that our experiences will be the same. I just wanted to paint you a less-than-fairytale picture of how things can go in the form of my real experiences.

 

In offering advice to you about your situation, I would tell you to make sure that you exhaust ALL of your options in saving this marriage. You know..."no stone unturned" and all that biz. Also try giving yourself a period of time to focus solely on the marriage without being influenced by an external force.

 

God bless.