Stay or go? What on earth do I do now?

[Ditherer]

Hi MLC.. no, I can't honestly say I've DECIDED as such. I feel like I have no choice and I'll HAVE to leave, but I haven't built up to it yet. I'm stuck with my dithering, and I'm waiting for spring to actually arrive so I can get on with my spring cleaning.

 

You're probably clinging on to your marriage because deep down you want it to work. I'm clinging on because as much as I want big changes in my life it scares the heck out of me, and I'd hoping something will happen that will may my choice easier. Either I'll suddenly realise I've been a plonker of epic proportions and realise how great things really are/couldbe here... (which seems very unlikely) or I'll have some similarly strong epiphany that I really do have to go.

 

I'm just really bad at making this decision, seeing as the effects are so enormous. And yet, I'm increasingly feeling it's out of my hands now anyway. When you shudder at the thought of getting close to your partner, going out just the two of you, or staying in with her almost every evening for the rest of your life.. then you know it's going to be hard to turn that around!

 

I haven't been very well this week, and I've had way too much time to mull things over. No matter how hard I think about it all, there are no new answers. I need to talk to people.

 

Thanks

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Dith,

If you don't mind my asking... what is your zodiac sign? You sound a lot like somebody I know.

[Ditherer]

Sorry, I'm not having you narrow down my identity to 1/12th of the world's population! I don't believe in all that stuff. By all means have a guess, it could give me a laugh if you're right.. I may even PM you if so.

 

What a day. Far too much time thinking things over. Still no answers, but oddly I'm swaying back to the 'duty' side of the argument - that I have this duty to stick to my vows no matter what. We've had fair-enough periods of more-or-less contentment before when I've accepted my lot, and maybe I should work towards getting back to that, and be grateful. Do I enjoy closeness if I can bring myself to get back to it.. and accept that the spark/chemistry/in-tune stuff that's missing is just something I'll have to do without? The 'easy' rut, but with the yearning unfulfilled? Will I reach old age, look back and kick myself at a wasted life?

 

The other side of the coin can't be ignored. After last year's developments in my life I've realised just how ALIVE I became at last.. I miss that so much now I've lost it again. All this soul-searching has led me to the conclusion that a marriage is a farce if the love isn't there and I'm not willing to work at it.. so.. basically I can walk if I want to. But I have to be honest with myself : would I be REACTING to something so bad I have to leave, or would I be CHOOSING to leave because I want to escape? And does it matter?

 

Getting nowhere, as usual.

[sophia34]

I have become convinced that 99 percent of the misery in this world stems from the evil of "comparison." Comparing one's own life to that of others, to television shows, to magazine advertisements, to Hollywood love stories, to the neighbors' relationships and bank accounts, to what one thinks one's life SHOULD be rather than what it IS. We are constantly in a state of thinking what we are and what we have is "not enough." That state of comparison is the cause of so much mental distress, anxiety, dissatisfaction, and sadness.

 

That idea has helped me a lot, dith, and perhaps it could help you as well. (It's based in Buddhism, actually, but could work for anyone.) For a short time, try not to compare your life to that of others or to what you think life SHOULD be. Look at your life, as it is, for a while, and accept it as it is. Make a list of the things you love the most (whether it be ice cream, an episode of "Lost," a fine wine, or a hobby like music or reading) and enjoy those things wholeheartedly. Appreciate what you have and who you are for a while.

 

As I mentioned before, I have the same uncertainties you do right now. However, this approach to the problem -- which isn't really a problem, when you think about it....think about how many people you know with incurable diseases, with crushing debt, etc. We often don't compare ourselves nearly enough to those who are worse off than we are--only those who are better off. Yours is a problem of mental comfort or identity, not life and death.

 

I have a friend in stage 4 cancer right now. When I think I'm sinking, I just think of her and things kind of settle into a different perspective.

 

This is a lesson in your life and a learning experience. Take it as such. Let it be for a while. Turn off your head for a while, and look around and appreciate what you have. Then, you might find that your head will clear a bit and you'll know how to arrange your life for the better.

 

It's the craving and the desire and the comparison that will make you (and me) absolutely nuts! I've got to think that there's more to life than that.

 

Anyway, this approach has helped me through this. Maybe it's something you could also look into for your own situation.

[sophia34]

I wanted to clarify my previous post...by no means do I mean to simply stay in an unhappy, unfulfilling, or especially abusive relationship for long periods of time, and just accept it as "what is." If two people are incompatible or in a toxic relationship, that should definitely end.

 

However, I'm guessing Ditherer and I have something in common--I have always been dissatisfied with what I have (my job, my house, my life, my relationship), even though by objective standards they were all quite good. That is, I have made it a habit of being dissatisfied with my life, of ALWAYS looking around at what others have and thinking I could do better than what I have.

 

I'm not sure if that's your situation, Dith. But if it is, then that may be the time to practice acceptance and appreciation for a while, and to stop that habit of comparison and feeling as if what is isn't enough. Once that's accomplished, only THEN can a person distinguish what is truly something worthy of changing (i.e., a relationship), and what is simply a product of his or her habitual dissatisfaction with the world.

[renee_1977]

Hey Ditherer,

 

I have read *most* of your posts and wanted to let you know I feel your pain. I have felt for my entire marriage that my husband and I were simply fundamentally incompatible. We have nothing in common and I would love to find someone who has similar aspirations and could engage in intellectually stimulating conversation.

 

We have two children and single motherhood scares the hell out of me. I cannot decide if they are better off as part of a "normal" family or in dysfunction. If I ever work up the nerve to leave and stick to it, I have promised myself I would not disrespect myself or my marriage by having someone on the side - that I would make the decision on my own. However, doing it this way is very scary and I feel paralyzed by the feeling of being alone. I would be fine, perhaps even better off, financially; however, I preoccupy myself with what others will think, how my children will fare, how I will handle things on my own, etc.

 

I did engage in an emotional affair two years ago. I still think about it daily - wondering if it was real and if he ever thinks of me.

 

At any rate, I wanted to let you know I could identify with you. I am on the cusp, driving myself and all of my friends insane with tetering. Good luck to you!

[Ditherer]

sophia34, I'd like to thank you for your posting. I've been trying to come up with a sensible reply, but I'm so dazed and confused lately I just don't know where I am. I put it off and put if off, thinking I'd be able to say something.. but I'm no closer. Thanks anyway.

 

I haven't been well lately either. Right now I feel a bit depressed.. everything's bland and pointless.. and I don't think I'll ever be happy. I hope it's a passing phase!

 

Happy Chocofest / Religious Festival Original Pagan But Taken By Christians For Themselves Yet Hardly Anyone Really Believes In

[Ditherer]

And thanks also to renee_1977 .. again I wish I could get my head straight enough to reply well!

 

It sucks being caught in a trap of "too good to go, too bad to stay" doesn't it? But I suppose if I've been feeling it's "too bad to stay" for this long, it probably is.

 

Good luck.. and PLEASE let us know what happens!!

[wahaha1]

I only read through the first couple of pages and gosh..., I can see that you are a very expressive person...

 

so my questions here are: if you are so good in expressing yourself, why can't you express your feeling to your wife? I am not asking you to tell your wife about your affection to another woman, but maybe you can tell her that something you want her to improve / not satisfy about...

 

another question is: what if, you break up with your wife, and later, your wife gets more attractive (losing weight, getting a job with prospect, dressing up, doing her hair, more charming, and having pursurers with better job/look than you), will you have a different view on her?

 

Right now it sounds a bit unfair to her, she seems to devote herself 100% to the family, raising kids, managing household chores, making a nice home for you, and you are not appreciating these. Just imagine in your job, you are working 101% hard on your work, but your boss never appreciate it and one day fire you off. You can imagine the feeling.

 

I think both of you have to work on this issue, at least she has the right to know about your feeling and how she can work this out. So many years of living together is not a easy thing, and sometimes you never notice the best one for you is already by your side. You should treasure what you have.

[Ditherer]

Another of life's astonishing coincidences... we met up with Mum & Dad today, Dad showed us some photos that have just come from a film that's been in his camera for nearly 2 years (prolific photographer, huh?!). First shot : at some local event.. and there in the crowd was my 'babe' from last year.. from several months before I first met her! It was good to feel how I reacted.. some sadness, but I've moved on. A few months ago I'd have probably sneaked off to the toilets for a sob.. but this time I was more interested in a couple of the waitresses where we were

 

I felt very down all day though, to be honest. Too many reasons to discuss right now.

 

wahaha1.. thanks for chipping in.

"if you are so good in expressing yourself, why can't you express your feeling to your wife?" Not ready yet. "maybe you can tell her that something you want her to improve / not satisfy about..." she couldn't improve what's missing if she tried

Her Mum & Dad have been tidying up recently and today handed us some of my wife's old school reports.. more comments such as "below average".. which is depressing.. at least that proves it beyond reasonable doubt.

 

"what if, you break up with your wife, and later, your wife gets more attractive (losing weight, getting a job with prospect, dressing up, doing her hair, more charming, and having pursurers with better job/look than you), will you have a different view on her?" She won't get more attractive (she's not that bad to be honest, just doesn't 'get me there' like she used to. I've recently stumbled across our wedding photos, and good grief, it's like a totally different woman though.. I can see why I thought I could do worse... but where did that smiley permed blonde go? Why am I here with this moaning old brunette?!

She won't get a good job - I'd buy a hat and eat it if she did. If she had pursuers I'd be relieved.. maybe she'd run off with one.. problem solved! One thing seems sure these days - I'm only with her because there's no great alternative.

 

"she seems to devote herself 100% to the family, raising kids, managing household chores, making a nice home for you" Yeah, she does a reasonable job in many ways, but if I was totally honest the house is a mess, and I do my fair share before anyone thinks I'm a pig about this. And if you heard her swear and insult our kids you'd be disgusted. So.. hardly perfect. But I never expect perfection from anyone (because I'm not perfect, that's for sure, who is?) so it's easy to make excuses for her. It's because I'm so easy-going and accepting that I've meddled along all these years and I'm having such a hard time with this. I can forgive so much, maybe I shouldn't.

 

"at least she has the right to know about your feeling and how she can work this out." hmm... let me think about that! I was aiming to talk to her, but it WOULD lead to a separation, so I need to be ready to go.

 

"sometimes you never notice the best one for you is already by your side. You should treasure what you have." But what if you just can't feel that? That's another thing that keeps me hanging on.. maybe it's a phase (although it's gone along long enough, and it isn't the first such 'phase').. I keep wondering whether I will suddenly treasure her. I felt like I could get there a week or two back.. but it went nowhere when I realised how awful things were again. It's awful to have all these days off with her, and not want to be with her. Can anyone say that this marriage isn't a waste of time? And yet the clingy pathetic part of me keep wondering : maybe this is normal? Do many marriages get this bad, and then recover, and it's worth hanging on? It seems very unrealistic.. but how am I to know? I can't know. So it's back to the dithering...

 

thanks

[sophia34]

While I know that sometimes people grow apart and relationships end, it does seem as if you aren't giving your wife a fair shake of it. I agree with wahaha1 on one main point--you are being incredibily unfair to your wife by not sharing your feelings with her and letting her know where you and she stand.

 

I have a friend who was married for 21 years and then one day, out of the blue, her husband told her he didn't love her anymore and he left her, that day. She was stunned. Of course, she could look back and see some signs, but going into it, she'd had no idea. It's taken two years and she's still not over it. IF he had at least come to her early on and given her a warning shot or two and made SOME attempt to give her a chance--even if eventually the relationship still ended--she would have been much more prepared, and, while she would have been devastated, she would not have been destroyed. You have got to think of your wife as a human being, even if you can no longer think of her as a best friend/lover.

 

Second, emotions feed off emotions, Dith. She may be irritable and less inclined to keep the house clean and less "smiley," as you put it, because she's living with a miserable person who doesn't think too much of her. Whether she realizes it consciously or subconsciously, she probably realizes it. You're probably not too fun to live with right now, so why on earth should she be?

 

I know I sound harsh--especially because I'm in a similar situation--but I think of her and I just want to cry for her. Not because you want to leave her, but because you want to leave her but aren't even giving her a chance to deal with the situation. You aren't talking it out with her so that she can at least have the chance to work with you to change the situation for the better. You have kids, so you want this to go forward or end on the best of terms. If you destroy her in the process, your ongoing relationship AFTER a divorce will be so strained that it will be hell for your children.

 

Think of someone else besides yourself for once. I don't say this because I think it's wrong for you to feel what you feel. It absolutely is NOT wrong to feel what you feel, and it's a horrible situation filled with sadness, frustration, and doubt. I know where you are right now, and I sympathize wholeheartedly.

But I say this because you're not giving your wife a chance to prepare for a change in the relationship--or an end to the marriage--in a dignified way that is as compassionate as possible.

 

If you cannot love her, feel some compassion for her. Let her know your feelings, and hear what she has to say. Since so much time has gone by already, what's another month to simply discuss and deal with the situation, make some attempts to see if it might change once she knows what's going on, and just prepare her for an end to the marriage.

 

Don't just leave her one day with no idea what happened. That's cruel. Not to mention that if you discuss things with her, there's a chance--a tiny chance, that you might see that "smiley woman" you married again. That's worth it whether or not you end up together or apart.

[serial muse]

Hi again Ditherer. Every now and then I check in to see if there's been any progress in your story. Looks like no.

 

You said you still haven't expressed your feelings to your wife because you're still not ready yet, and because you think that once you do, that'll be the end of the marriage and you're just not sure yet that you want it to end. And though you're not yet choosing to leave, you're also not actually choosing to stay with your wife either, because you kind of hate her and you've given up hope that you'll ever feel anything tender (or even sexual) about her ever again.

 

But the reason you say you're not sure you want it to end is because you wonder if this is just the way things are for everybody anyway so is it better to be with this person you semi-despise and be miserable than be alone and potentially miserable, while wondering if, by actually making a decision, you therefore made a mistake.

 

I know you're hoping for a thunderclap to show you the true path here, but of course that won't happen. All you're doing is ensuring that you'll make yourself as miserable as possible, indefinitely. I know you already know this, too.

 

But what's mind-boggling is that you seem to enjoy being trapped in this endless loop you've made for yourself. Why is this fun, again? What are you getting out of this???

 

Is the uncertainty of the future really so awful that this horrible present seems better? Are you so scared of what people will think of you, or of feeling guilty for turning out to publicly not be the upstanding family man? (because seriously, you already feel guilty, anyway. I can't imagine how the reality could be worse than whatever you're imagining) Is it that feeling helpless, as you've convinced yourself you are, is somehow feeding your image of yourself as basically a good guy trapped in a bad situation? Why are you so afraid of assuming responsibility for directing your own life? Is making an active mistake really such a terrible prospect that you'd rather ensure your own passive misery?

 

Are you really that lacking in courage? Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life?

 

I know this is harsh, but DAMN, man, what gives? I can't remember if you're in therapy, but if you are, you should spend some time on the issue of fear of decision-making. You call it being easy-going and accepting, but given the present circumstances, it sounds a lot more like being afraid to take responsibility for any choices in case they don't work out well. From what I can recall (admittedly, I haven't gone back to reread the earlier pages of this thread) it sounds like that's how you "fell" into your marriage, too.

 

This strategy of passively "accepting" and then complaining because it's not what you want is not working for you. Your marriage and affair and all that other stuff aside, it sounds like the real problem here is that you're afraid of taking responsibility.

 

I think the only cure for that, to be perfectly honest, is to make a difficult choice, like this one, and then actively show yourself how much less awful the results of that decision are than whatever feverish, destructive imaginings about the consequences that you've cooked up in your head. The reality is never as bad or catastrophic as your imagination.

[wahaha1]

I see you are just coming here to look for support for your seperation.

 

Basically there is not much for you to think about..., you have already decided.

 

I don't mean I am supporting your decision, but I do hope you can set your wife's expectation well and end this thing gracefully.

 

Good luck.

[Ditherer]

Wow, it's been a while since I *meant* to reply, but didn't get around to it because there's not a lot new to say. Thanks for your replies though.. *every* ounce of caring is welcome.

 

Still going over the same old thoughts again and again, still don't feel ready to tackle the issue. Getting nowhere...

[Ditherer]

I think it's time to leave you guys here on LoveShack. You helped me through a difficult time and I'm really grateful for all the helpful advice and comments. But.. I'm still going around in circles and I've just about heard all the advice I'm ever likely to hear.. the whole thing is getting stale and boring for us all.

 

So it's with some regret I feel it's about time I moved on. The decision is mine now. I'm still weighing up the pros and cons of staying versus leaving (I can't help it) even though it's not really up to me to DECIDE anything - it's situation that has occured that I must REACT to and do what's right, like it or not. I know it only comes down to the question of whether I love my wife or not - if I do then I must put all I have into making it work, if not I must be honest about it and deal with whatever happens, good or bad. Apart from all the lame excuses for delaying this, there remains significant confusion about whatever I have felt for my wife. Maybe it hasn't been all that bad, maybe I just want a change because I'm bored and I've been trying to talk myself into it. I honestly don't know. I do know I've been very fed up with things for a long time. I'm fairly sure that the best times were never that good.. I don't know if I've already had it as good as I'm ever likely to, but if it's not good enough then I'll have to accept life on my own. I'm fed up with this deceit, treating my wife this way.. she (everyone does) deserves better. I am ashamed of myself. And.. although it gets easier as time goes by, I am still thinking of affair-babe far too often. I know she was a hopeless case, it's just that she was the first deep attraction and attention I had after so many years of stale relationship, where I was yearning for such things... so OF COURSE I miss how she made me feel... and how can I seriously appreciate what's possible with my wife while I feel like this still - still yearning for that kind of relationship (preferably MUCH better than the affair!)? Yes it all points to the fact that I obviously don't LOVE my wife as I should, or I wouldn't be going through all this.. but I still wonder if I'll suddenly realise how deeply I do feel about her. This actually nearly made me laugh out loud as I typed it, so it's rather unlikely. But who knows?

 

I don't know if I'll carry on in this uncertain cold dull rut much longer, I hope not, but it's the easiest option as no-one is particularly miserable with it... life goes on.. without any tears... not ideal, but...!

 

I will log in for the next week or two to see if anyone has any closing comments, then that's it.. you can assume I've probably chickened out and stayed put.. whether it's happily making an effort or just resigning myself to living a lie for ever more, too feeble to put us out of our misery.

 

If by some miracle we do split, I'll let you know, in case anyone's curious... but if you never hear from me again then I'm still married!

 

Thanks for your interest.. best of luck in this weird life everyone.. hope you get some joy out of it! For those of you who care.. HUGE thanks.. it's wonderful and priceless, it really is.. keep up the good work

 

Ooh.. I don't like goodbyes .. but.. seeya!

[midlifecrazy]

Good luck Dith, to you and yours. If as you say you've decided to stay that's probably a great thing for the kids. Please though try to do it with your whole heart and for any reason other than it's just easier not to leave. Make a concious effort to love and adore your wife, kind of like what they say about faith. Behave as if you have it, even if you don't, and eventually perhaps it will come to pass.

 

And I don't know about you but I must be kind of a shallow guy. I am finding that make up sex can be terrific and it goes a long way toward easing my troubled mind. Maybe it's time for you to try some of that!

 

Take care Dith, best of everything to you.

[OldEurope]

The clearest thing that comes through in this "closing statement" is that you are staying because it is the "easiest" option, in your mind, not because you are convinced you should.

 

What a sad way to live. You will regret it.

 

OE

[Ditherer]

Well thanks guys.. but I'm a long way from making a move. Strange how, having said how I'll be off then...

 

..It got complicated today. I have only seen Affair Babe the once since we parted ways, until today. I was within feet of her before we both realised.. she caught my eye and there were smiles. It's hard to remember whether she was already smiling before she noticed me, whether I was already smiling, but as we both briefly connected we were both smiling. And my reaction was to turn away and carry on walking.. and I didn't look back. Make of that what you will... I'm just glad I was smiling.. I looked as good as I ever can do.. and I acted like I didn't give a ****. That's something at least! I expect she was probably embarrassed and glad that I didn't try to say anything. I feel awkward that if she'd looked she'd have noticed my wedding ring still on my finger and she'd have known that I still haven't left my wife like I said I would. And she might feel awkward perhaps because she's with the man she put aside in favour of me.. back when she was torn between the two of us (although I didn't fully realise it at the time). Actually, I didn't even see clearly who she was with.. could be a new one for all I know!

 

.. but as you can imagine my heart was in my mouth for several minutes afterwards, and I'm sure glad I was with a friend I could talk about it with. And for the next 3 hours I thought of little else except how much excitement it brought back to me. And as I drove home in a daze I knew then that if God appeared and asked me.. I'd have said yes.. I'll leave my pathetic marriage and become single just for a chance to feel like that again.. to take my chances getting to know exactly what she's like.. whatever the outcome.

 

For 3 hours I wondered and wondered.. it's obvious I'm not totally over the affair.. so how.. how am I supposed to figure out how much I love (or don't love) my wife? Yup.. took me 3 whole hours before the obvious dawned on me - if I'm feeling like this then there's no way I can love my wife! Not at the moment. Yet still I wonder what's left if I ever get Affair Babe out of my head. But... I don't think I ever will unless she's replaced by someone else!! How the **** do I make sense of all this?

 

I wish I could hang around here.. maybe there *is* some great advice I haven't heard yet.. but (believe it or not) I made a decision (it can be done!!) and I intend to stick to it. A couple of weeks max, as I said, then I'm off. Maybe I'll have to register again with a new name and change my story a little... LOL (although I think my writing 'style' would be too easily spotted)

 

Thanks MLC. I wish you all the best too.. it sounds like you're on track. For you it's always been about sex, and if you've found a way of getting it (making it so good she can't possibly refuse!) then your problem is solved. Your marital communication is good enough that there's hope for you. You're lucky that the feel-good hormones you've got from a fabulous 'session' are enough to bring you two closer. I don't want to try that because I'm scared of getting trapped here - convinced that we'll split one day anyway and this is the best chance I'll ever get to rebuild my life.

 

OE is right. I'd regret staying if things aren't resolved.

 

I don't know why Life gave me this kick in the heart today.. maybe it's to say "get a move on".. there's a Better Way out there, if only I'd have the guts to find it.

 

Long day. Time for bed. Bye for now

[Ditherer]

Ok.. sorry.. I fibbed a bit about actually making a decision.. it had been a kind of 'plan' for a while to stop bothering you all.. but there's no decision about it really : I've been logging in using a method that will no longer be available fairly soon. I may chip in with the odd comment while I've got the facility open to me, but it's likely to go without giving me another chance to say goodbye.

 

Anyhow. It took me a few days to get over my second sighting of 'Babe', but I get back to normal eventually. She wasn't Meant To Be or we'd already Be. It's hard to let go when it was such a wonderful thrill, hard not to hope that maybe the time just wasn't right yet.. but I can't live like that.

 

As for my wife.. I have to remember that I was planning to leave, preparing for it, I had decided when there was some 'better' waiting for me. If that was the case, why should it be any different now that there's no-one to run to? The marriage is still over in my mind. If I stay I'm just chickening out of the hassle I'll have to face sooner or later.

 

I'm still mystified how I got here. Various memories of happy times haunt me. If I felt 'in love' at certain times, was I actually in love or not? Can it return? Thinking more clearly usually brings me to the conclusion that the best times were back when we were making love. I have no really great memories from after having moved in with her. I remember having kids was a last ditch attempt to bring meaning to my life (which in hindsight was really dumb but I certainly don't regret my kids) and I remember wanting each conception to be the result of a really LOVING 'coupling'.. and it certainly felt like it at the time. But then.. my wife is attractive and sweet enough that making love has always been great and I don't think I could do it without feeling that close (which is why I've been avoiding it for the last year or two).

 

So the one consolation is : the harder it is to face this.. the better the relationship was (even though it's not enough).. the less of a fool I've been all this time. If we'd been REALLY badly suited I'd have been a total idiot to marry her. It's because it seemed fairly reasonable, because I thought it would turn out OK, it's because of THAT that it's so hard to let go now, even though I now know it was 'marriage for the wrong reasons'. Marrying someone because the other woman you've pursued for the last few years didn't work out.. because at least SOMEONE wants you and she's not so bad really.. it makes me cringe now.

 

So if I'm trying to explain all this to anyone (i.e. my mum) I can say I haven't been a total idiot and married a real no-hoper.. it's just one of those thing that just didn't work out. The harder it is for people to accept (because we seem to be such a good couple) then the less of a fool I was.. the harder the situation is now (give me sympathy!) etc. I haven't explained this very clearly perhaps, but it makes sense on Planet Ditherer

 

One other silver lining I try to cheer myself up with, about feeling guilty about leaving : the harder it is on her to lose me (!) - because I'm so wonderful (!) - the better my chances of finding someone new. If I'm not worth having, she won't miss me so much. The more she misses me, the better my chances of being happy one day

 

I think I've written enough drivel. Maybe I should make this my last! Bye for now, maybe I'll be able to add a few more comments. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe....

[FWIW]

First you say your marriage wasn't so bad, you haven't been a fool, then you say she was such a poor choice of wife it makes you cringe! Make your mind up! You really are finely balanced precisely on the middle of the fence, aren't you?

 

If it's such a close thing whether to stay or leave, then a trial separation is the way to go. You'll never know unless you do that, or at least have the decency to talk it over with your wife. You owe it to both of you not to carry on like this much longer, you must sort it one way or another.

 

Good luck

[cookieboy]

hey ditherer,from what i'm reading, she means genuine for u(ur wife), but your'e treating her like crap and having this silly illusion of an affair on your mind. grow up, man. you never know what life has for u around the corner. i find you are taking all this for granted now and if tomorrow something will happen to you(like an accident to render you critical/paralysed for life, or diagnosed with terminal cancer), i can guarantee you that is your current wife that will be at that bedside, helping you along, feeding you, changing your pan etc. i stress this because right now you think the grass is always greener, life is good, i don't care with him/her etc, UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPENS.All this talk about you want to leave, i don't like her etc, will all go out the window.i think u should look at your wife as a human being, not because she less educated than u etc.suppose u leave her tomorrow- you don't know women,she can easily get a man far better than u. maybe when u want to go back after u get knocked about, pal- that door will be shut!!! SO, I'M WARNING YOU,GET OUT OF YOUR RUT AND MAKE THE BEST OF IT....WITH HER AND YOUR KIDS... AND TALK AND SHARE FEELINGS, COMMUNICATE. STOP MAKING THE POOR WOMAN SUFFER FOR YOUR NONSENSE , OK??

just how i feel- i hate to see the poor woman suffer- lots of people must have told you the same thing, i'm sure.

[Ditherer]

Thanks FWIW, cookieboy.

Yes, I **KNOW** I should be talking it over and dealing with it. There's still a couple of things holding me up (or rather I'm *allowing* them to hold me up), but...

It's so hard. However much I know I really ought to tackle this head on, it's just so easy to coast through life making no effort to confront it or change anything. I'm extremely doubtful that a better life awaits me if I leave, and my life here isn't that great either (except I get great moments with the kids). But I'm aware that.. after all I've done, thought, yearned for, prayed for, and discussed behind my wife's back.. I really don't DESERVE to be living like this, with no consequences. I've brought it upon myself and have to face the music - treat it like I've been caught out already... perhaps.

Dither, dither, dither... years are going to pass, like this..!

[Ditherer]

No sign of any change yet, LOL

[CryingCanuck]

What the hell is so funny?

A nervous reaction or what? I've been foolowing you and I think you;re either very calous, or you have a very strong desire to instill pain on your W. Maybe I'm using th ewrong words but for you to come around here and say nothing has changed and the L O L sor tof tells me you think that your situation is some kind of joke. I'm sorry for her.

[Ditherer]

Sorry, I've always enjoyed laughing at myself. The whole thing has become so absurd, that I can (particularly after a few drinks) just focus on the one point (that I'm a pathetic ditherer) while ignoring the serious stuff. I thought some readers might raise a smile over it.. how utterly feeble I am.

 

Yes, I can see why you'd think it was a bit off. But I'm not stuck in this position for want of trying to fathom a way out of it. I'm not trying to be hard on my wife in any vindictive way, if I thought she could handle a split I'd be off like a shot - I'm still terrified how she'll take it. I still feel trapped, I just don't think I've got it in me to take the action I really ought to. Sounds like a cop out, doesn't it.. but if I could face it, I would have by now.. so where does that leave me? Bemused... wondering if I'll ever get fed up with this "life on hold" situation... and occasionally finding it all just so ridiculous that I just have to laugh at it or I'll cry!

 

This better?