Cholie10 Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 Here is a little back story. I am 37 and his is 24 we were together for a little over a year he took on my 3 year old son as his own and that is the only dad my son knew. We had a great relationship never any major problems. It all went down hill when his sister who was like a mom to him was killed in a motorcycle accident on June 9th 2017. He literally started spiraling out of control doing drugs and pushing myself and son away. On July 10th I came to home to a dear John letter he moved out while I was at work and admitted that he had met someone else and wanted to give it a shot. Two days later I found out it was a friend of his sister's that she rode bikes with. He had just met thid girl at the funeral for the first time. She knew he had a family as well as how proud of his family his sister was. Then to my surprise on July 25th they went to the court house and got married. His wedding night he messaged me for thr 1st time and tolfe he regretted leaving me and then getting married. Well since then we have talked pretty much everyday and he tells me how unhappy he is but is scared to leave her and is just waiting for her to getad enough to kick him out. She has already gotten mad and thrown her ring at him more than once. Well last week I gave in and let him come over for a quickie. He keeps asking me to wait toive on because he is coming back to me and wants his family back.. Not sure how I feel about being the other woman with someone who was my whole world not even a month ago and still not over. Do you think that he will actually leave her to be with me again or am I just going to have to deal with being the other woman if I want to be in his life? Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 I think this boy needs to GO TO COUNSELLING before you or anyone else consider his future from this point. Grief does messed-up things to people and he is not in his right mind. Don't enable that by letting him come over for easy sex, push him to get his act together. Tell him to have the marriage annuled and get some therapy ASAP. You can consider whether or not (or how) to get back together once he's not a complete mess. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 With all due respect, this is a train wreck of a relationship. No advice here. I could go into all the reasons why his behavior is unacceptable, why you should not want this man to be a rolemodel for your son, and why you seem to fine with being the other woman and/or why you would not be smart to take him back - but I don't have that much time. Good luck to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cholie10 Posted August 6, 2017 Author Share Posted August 6, 2017 Thank you and before his sister passed away it was not a train wreck of a relationship. We actually got along really well regardless of our age difference. I never really thought about his age honestly. He worked hard and provided for his family. Never gave me a reason to not trust him but losing his sister totally changed him. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 Thank you and before his sister passed away it was not a train wreck of a relationship. We actually got along really well regardless of our age difference. I never really thought about his age honestly. He worked hard and provided for his family. Never gave me a reason to not trust him but losing his sister totally changed him. If that is true, then you must encourage him to get some help. Grief can be devastating, it can absolutely change who you are and what you think. Add to that drugs and alcohol and... Look out! I know you love him, but you have a son to protect. You have to ask yourself if it is wise for your son to be around this man - at least until he gets his life back together. I'm sorry, take care. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 he could leave her but most of the time they never leave. i wasted 4 years on ex mm 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HarmonyDriven Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 IMO, if he is truly a man and does not love this so called new wife, he needs to own up to his mistake and get the marriage annulled. If he doesn't, is this guy really someone you want a relationship with? No doubt, he is going thru a traumatic time in his life, but he alienated someone who he could lean on.....YOU. I am curious....how old is the new wife (45?) (24?) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 Here is a little back story. I am 37 and his is 24 we were together for a little over a year he took on my 3 year old son as his own and that is the only dad my son knew. We had a great relationship never any major problems. It all went down hill when his sister who was like a mom to him was killed in a motorcycle accident on June 9th 2017. He literally started spiraling out of control doing drugs and pushing myself and son away. On July 10th I came to home to a dear John letter he moved out while I was at work and admitted that he had met someone else and wanted to give it a shot. Two days later I found out it was a friend of his sister's that she rode bikes with. He had just met thid girl at the funeral for the first time. She knew he had a family as well as how proud of his family his sister was. Then to my surprise on July 25th they went to the court house and got married. His wedding night he messaged me for thr 1st time and tolfe he regretted leaving me and then getting married. Well since then we have talked pretty much everyday and he tells me how unhappy he is but is scared to leave her and is just waiting for her to getad enough to kick him out. She has already gotten mad and thrown her ring at him more than once. Well last week I gave in and let him come over for a quickie. He keeps asking me to wait toive on because he is coming back to me and wants his family back.. Not sure how I feel about being the other woman with someone who was my whole world not even a month ago and still not over. Do you think that he will actually leave her to be with me again or am I just going to have to deal with being the other woman if I want to be in his life? There seems to be a rash of OW lately who have MMs who say that they are just waiting for their wives to leave them. MM who want to divorce take action. They make a decision like a grown up man, they face the consequences of their choices and they don't waiver. MM who say things like they are just hoping their wife becomes miserable enough to make the choice for them are pathetic little conflict avoiders and they are unlikely to ever leave. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 There seems to be a rash of OW lately who have MMs who say that they are just waiting for their wives to leave them. MM who want to divorce take action. They make a decision like a grown up man, they face the consequences of their choices and they don't waiver. MM who say things like they are just hoping their wife becomes miserable enough to make the choice for them are pathetic little conflict avoiders and they are unlikely to ever leave. Men and women who want to divorce, do so. Kids or no kids, if someone feels they want out of a marriage and done, they make a plan and stick to it. MOST MM have no real intention of walking away from the marriage and life as they know it and even (most of the time) if his wife finds out and there's a DDAY they beg and grovel to stay. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FastHands Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 IMHO Never figured why a guy cheats on his wife? He gets it all the time like a routine. Why do girls fall for married guys? He has his wife and another, he must be very happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 (edited) (((Cholie))) Sorry you find yourself in this horrible position. I think the most sensible thing to do is to wish him well, tell him you love him and could see a possible future with him, but that you will have absolutely no contact with him unless he can show you a signed divorce paper. This is their mess and he and his new bride need to sort this out on their own. Don't be seen as the OW or home-wrecker as that could come back to bite you later even if you do "win" him. If he comes back to you, it must be his decision alone. Good luck and keep on posting. Edited August 7, 2017 by jenkins95 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 He needs to end things with his wife and seek counselling. He won't be a safe partner for you until he sorts himself out. Link to post Share on other sites
Overtaxed Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 There seems to be a rash of OW lately who have MMs who say that they are just waiting for their wives to leave them. MM who want to divorce take action. They make a decision like a grown up man, they face the consequences of their choices and they don't waiver. MM who say things like they are just hoping their wife becomes miserable enough to make the choice for them are pathetic little conflict avoiders and they are unlikely to ever leave. Why would you want a man like that anyway? Yes, men who are serious about being with a woman, AP or not, take action. Strong, decisive action. Like, leave your house, go to the attorney and file paperwork. Men who just want something on the side talk about the actions a lot, but don't actually do anything. The vast majority of A's for men, there's never even the inkling of intent to leave the W. All the "intent" is focused around what exactly they have to say/do to get you to sleep with them. I know, it's hard to read, and you will see some exceptions here, but, the chances are VERY slim that exception will be you/your MM. Much more likely, you'll continue to hear exactly enough to keep you around, keep you in your place, and keep you taking your clothes off when he has time to see you. Because, frankly, that's what most men want from an A; more (sex, validation, ego kibbles, etc) NOT a replacement. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 Men and women who want to divorce, do so. Kids or no kids, if someone feels they want out of a marriage and done, they make a plan and stick to it. Funny, because when hanging out on a divorce forum reading people's stories there, quite often the person who files took a year of hanging around being miserable, suggesting counseling, trying to explain their miseries to their spouses, glumly realizing that nothing is going to get better, talking it out with their families, their personal therapists, and finally, finally pulling the plug. None of which really applies in THIS thread because this is a very unusual circumstance, with a man who appears to have suffered a mental break and everything has just happened very suddenly. Many commenters don't even seem to have read the thread they're replying to... asking why girls "fall for" married men is completely not applicable here! Link to post Share on other sites
Brooke123 Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 He has a lot of growing up to do and is desperately in need of counseling. He needs to seek his own therapy and so do you. Do NOT be the other woman. Work on yourself while he figures himself out. Why did he not marry you, yet he marries someone else he barely knows? It just doesn't make any sense. If he gets a divorce and works on himself and ultimately you have gone to therapy and still want him back then maybe there is a chance - but don't confuse your mind by letting him back in when he has done nothing to change and nothing to deserve it. Good luck, I know its hard and I know it hurts. You do have to protect your heart and your child. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetBabe83 Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 Most of the time they do not leave. Try dating some other men and rub it in his face. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cholie10 Posted August 17, 2017 Author Share Posted August 17, 2017 Thank you everyone for your time feedback. This is a very confusing situation. I'm trying my hardest to just keep him at arms lengths. We still talk pretty much everyday and now he tells me he loves me but I just don't say anything back. I have never been in a situation like this and it pretty much sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
Ahurtgirl Posted August 17, 2017 Share Posted August 17, 2017 Do not have sex with him! You are now changing his view of you because you are sleeping with him as a married man. He will lose respect for you and any chance of a healthy relationship with him in the future will be gone. Next time he calls, tell him that until he leaves his wife you will not see him. Be strong! Give him time to heal by being a true supportive person, not a sexual outlet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted August 17, 2017 Share Posted August 17, 2017 It all went down hill when his sister who was like a mom to him was killed in a motorcycle accident on June 9th 2017. He literally started spiraling out of control doing drugs and pushing myself and son away. On July 10th I came to home to a dear John letter he moved out while I was at work and admitted that he had met someone else and wanted to give it a shot. Two days later I found out it was a friend of his sister's that she rode bikes with. He had just met thid girl at the funeral for the first time.I wouldn't be so sure that he didn't know her prior to the funeral. Why would he be with you for over a year without marriage, and suddenly marry someone else 6 weeks later? Don't have sex with him again. Don't even talk to him after the way he treated you. Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted August 17, 2017 Share Posted August 17, 2017 Do not have sex with him! You are now changing his view of you because you are sleeping with him as a married man. He will lose respect for you and any chance of a healthy relationship with him in the future will be gone. Next time he calls, tell him that until he leaves his wife you will not see him. Be strong! Give him time to heal by being a true supportive person, not a sexual outlet. Yes. The best route is to go complete NC with him unless/until he shows up with a signed divorce paper in his hand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cholie10 Posted August 17, 2017 Author Share Posted August 17, 2017 I wouldn't be so sure that he didn't know her prior to the funeral. Why would he be with you for over a year without marriage, and suddenly marry someone else 6 weeks later? Don't have sex with him again. Don't even talk to him after the way he treated you. He knew of her. We actually were looking for at places to get married next April. I was the one that didn't want to rush the marriage thing. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted August 17, 2017 Share Posted August 17, 2017 Has he sought professional help yet? Really that would be the first priority for me in this situation. He needs to talk to someone and start trying to get himself sorted out. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted August 17, 2017 Share Posted August 17, 2017 If he wanted you as his wife he would have married you. He married someone else instead but hey sex is still good with you. Run run run Link to post Share on other sites
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