Where do I go from here??

[WorldTraveler]

So my ex gf of 3.5 years and I broke it off 4 months ago. For reasons mostly attributed to long distance. We were doing long distance for just about a year but things started falling apart after realizing we might not have a guaranteed end point. This was mainly due to careers and school etc. Fast forward now to 4 months post break up. I have visited her home town once about a month ago where we hung out, talked and hooked up. Now a new job prospect has brought me to her city for 6 weeks. After our recent encounter a month ago, we talked a little and she said how she doesn't feel like now is the time for us to get back together, yet she didn't know why she felt that way and followed it up by saying "I unfortunately don't have any answers for you as to why I'm feeling this way". Since then, her and I have both seen other people but in my case, it just doesn't compare to being with her.

 

After alerting her that I would be visiting her city for job training for 6 weeks, I asked if she wouldn't mind if we hung out while I was there since we still love each other deeply and ended on respectful terms. She agreed but said that she doesn't want any false hope to come from us hanging out. I said I understood and that was that. Now here we are, and I texted her asking when we would be hanging out. After further talking, I could sense that she was nervous and hesitant now about seeing each other. Her reason being that she didn't think that it was a good idea for us to see each other because she is afraid that feelings will come back, and it might confuse her and ultimately complicate things between us. She said how it is just complicated now given the fact that we aren't together, and she yet again said how she isn't trying to get back together at the moment.

 

In a perfect world I was hoping to use these 6 weeks as a trial run to see her and possibly re-ignite feelings again by hanging out and doing stuff together. I understand she said she didn't want a relationship and the last thing I would ever do is pressure her because I know that doesn't work. I acknowledge the fact that I cannot change her mind no matter how I act or what I say. She ultimately has to want to get back together in the end for this to work. But the worst part is that she still has yet to give me any kind of reason as to why she doesn't want to give it another try. Our relationship was for the most part really good. Her and I share a bond unlike any other girl I have been with. We both know what we had was special because it was effortless and it came so easy. Aside from the year of long distance of course because that was far from effortless and was hell considering it definitely brought our relationship down a few pegs. But again 80-90% of the reason we broke up was because of distance and not having a set end date for the distance to end. Now I am in her city and could easily get a job here if I wanted to and then we would have the distance portion eliminated. So I just don't understand her logic here. Now I know no one here could tell me what exactly is going on in her mind, but I am just looking for advice on how to approach this. They say anything worth fighting for isn't easy and I while I am getting close, I am not done fighting yet. I love this girl with all my heart and she is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with as my wife. But as of now, I am unable to get those feelings going again because she is on high alert and has her guard up by preventing us from seeing each other at the moment.

 

So how, if possible, could I go about getting her to let her guard down? I've told her that we can just hang out as friends and do something as simple as go to dinner or lunch. Nothing crazy, nothing serious. That didn't work so now I'm thinking at the very least maybe I can get her to agree to an hour of time together at coffee or something. Just so I can lay it all out on the table, and get everything off of my chest regarding her, our love, and how I feel and what I want, regardless of the situation so I have no regrets in the future and I leave knowing I did all I could... At the very least I need my closure. I need answers or insight into why she doesn't want to give the relationship another go. If I could just get some truthful logic or reasoning I would be a little better off and would be able to move on. Any thoughts, tips or advice would be much appreciated. Thank you all.

[bummer]

Take her guarded stance as reason enough she does not share your desire for her to be your wife, let alone lover or friend. She has enough negative reasons that she's keeping a safe distance.

 

Consider briefly that even though the distance was the stated cause of failure, the reality is it's a convenient excuse when someone just wants out.

[ExpatInItaly]

Maybe she has started seeing someone else, OP, and doesn't want her past colliding with her present.

 

Even if that's not the case, it's becoming clear that distance wasn't the only factor in her decision to end it. If it were, she would be thrilled that you're going to be close by. But she's having the opposite reaction, which strongly indicates distance was only part of the reason why she broke it off.

[WorldTraveler]

Yeah like I said the long distance was the main factor that resulted in the breakup. The other portion of it was that we started feeling more like best friends than romantic partners. The sex started to fizzle, the romance was lacking, we started drifting apart etc. This was in part a huge result of the long distance and I am certain of this. I think becoming comfortable in a long term relationship like this one of 3.5 years is somewhat normal. Relationships are constantly evolving and its all about maintaining that level of interest and keeping things new and refreshing. But when you see your partner only for a couple of days every 4-6 weeks it makes it hard to do this. So like I said the long distance was the main factor and the other issues we were experiencing were a result of the long distance...

[dumbass2]

If what you are saying is true then it's just possible that her romantic feelings for you are gone. She doesn't seem excited to see you again or want to start a new relationship with you. Could be she has other reasons beyond what you thought it was....the distance. Unfortunately we don't always get the real reason for a break up or why we can't get another shot. Not easy for people to be honest and have to face more questions and drama, especially when there is no reason to be.

[WorldTraveler]

If what you are saying is true then it's just possible that her romantic feelings for you are gone. She doesn't seem excited to see you again or want to start a new relationship with you. Could be she has other reasons beyond what you thought it was....the distance. Unfortunately we don't always get the real reason for a break up or why we can't get another shot. Not easy for people to be honest and have to face more questions and drama, especially when there is no reason to be.

 

I suppose it is possible yes. I do also know however that when we saw each other and hung out last time I visited a month ago, it was like picking up right where we left off before the breakup. We both agreed that the love, feelings and chemistry were all still there which is what "made not being together hard" according to her. Which is partly why I believe she is being distant right now and keeping her guard up. Because she knows that if we hang out the feelings WILL come back like last time and confuse her and complicate things. It may sound selfish, but I still have not received my closure and feel as if at the very least I deserve that. Given that we both ended things mutually and with respect and no hard feelings, I don't understand why this isn't at the very least possible.