noun123 Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 (edited) How do healthy people handle a second or third chance? My bf and I have been broken up for a couple months now. We recently got back in contact and things have felt the same, except we haven't yet met up. I messaged him today about this, saying I cannot wait around while he goes out dating. He insists he isn't dating or interested in it. I mostly believe him, he is an incredibly honest person to a fault. But how do you know its a good thing to stay. What is the minimum work two people should be doing if they are possibly interested in getting back together. We talked and agreed its best we see each other and talk sometimes, so taking it slow. But when I think about it, is this just a way to keep each other on the back burner? What is a healthy way to re-introduce a relationship, to see if it could work, to avoid the negative aspects of the past relationship? I agree we should be slow, but what is too slow? Im scared that he is using this as an excuse. Edited August 9, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language ~T Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 Well, definitely don't buy a house and move back in with each other like my ex and I did. Link to post Share on other sites
bummer Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 Can't say from positive experience how to do it. The key is less about timing or pacing, but more about the work you mention. The work is that both have you have looked at the positives and negatives, addressed some of the negatives while separated, and are willing to work together to mitigate the rest of the negatives as you slowly re-connect. Have you and him spent sufficient time reflecting and improving yourself since it ended? What's to prevent the bad things from coming up again, even if you delay them by taking it slowly? If you both are just milling the idea as in "well, we might as well, it was good enough I guess, if I remember correctly..." then you should consider waiting or avoiding it altogether. I think some spark, some change, would be the only proper impetus and with the complete buy-in of both of you. If one or both of you still has a foot out the door, you're in for breakup 5 or 6... I think he isn't ready. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 Is this the same guy you've been posting about on and off for two years? If so, I have to ask: At what point do you think you'll accept that you two just don't jive well together? You two have a track record so far showing that you cannot maintain a healthy, stable relationship. And you've not even introduced some of the things that can really strain a good relationship, such as children or sharing household finances. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 It's difficult to answer your questions without knowing why you broke up. Can you elaborate? Link to post Share on other sites
Author noun123 Posted August 9, 2017 Author Share Posted August 9, 2017 Is this the same guy you've been posting about on and off for two years? If so, I have to ask: At what point do you think you'll accept that you two just don't jive well together? You two have a track record so far showing that you cannot maintain a healthy, stable relationship. And you've not even introduced some of the things that can really strain a good relationship, such as children or sharing household finances. Thanks Blanco. I appreciate your honesty. My logical mind is not where it should be. Its hard to admit our failure because there are no devastating issues except the fact that we are not able to resolve our issues (which are minimal) in a helpful manner. But because of that fact we have held onto a lot of resentment that has built up over time. Its hard to let this one go because of this fact. I sometimes feel if we just actually worked at it, went to counselling that we would be able to work past our issues. Most likely just wishful thinking in this time of pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author noun123 Posted August 9, 2017 Author Share Posted August 9, 2017 Can't say from positive experience how to do it. The key is less about timing or pacing, but more about the work you mention. The work is that both have you have looked at the positives and negatives, addressed some of the negatives while separated, and are willing to work together to mitigate the rest of the negatives as you slowly re-connect. Have you and him spent sufficient time reflecting and improving yourself since it ended? What's to prevent the bad things from coming up again, even if you delay them by taking it slowly? If you both are just milling the idea as in "well, we might as well, it was good enough I guess, if I remember correctly..." then you should consider waiting or avoiding it altogether. I think some spark, some change, would be the only proper impetus and with the complete buy-in of both of you. If one or both of you still has a foot out the door, you're in for breakup 5 or 6... I think he isn't ready. Thanks Bummer, I think you are right. Just wishful thinking. I do not think we have spent enough time apart to really consider our issues nonetheless work on them. I think deep down my jealousy is fuelling my speed to reconcile so fast. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 If it's a second chance, both sides to need to make their intentions clear up front. Link to post Share on other sites
Author noun123 Posted August 10, 2017 Author Share Posted August 10, 2017 Update: After a couple weeks of talking non-stop, I decided to let him know I couldn't do it anymore. It seemed like we would continue in an endless loop of messaging and I couldn't take staying in limbo. It has been an incredibly hard time since cutting contact, I don't know how I'm going to get through it. Almost feels like the beginning of the breakup. However all I keep telling myself is that is this the most suggested thing to do after a breakup and I have to trust in the process. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 I'm glad to hear that you're moving on. Something to remember while you're going through this process: if your issues were minimal, you wouldn't be broken up. Your issues were actually significant enough to drive a wedge between you. Please don't minimise what went wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author noun123 Posted August 11, 2017 Author Share Posted August 11, 2017 I'm glad to hear that you're moving on. Something to remember while you're going through this process: if your issues were minimal, you wouldn't be broken up. Your issues were actually significant enough to drive a wedge between you. Please don't minimise what went wrong. Thanks Basil. I'm not moving on but I hope through continued NC that I can. Thank you for your honest answer. You are absolutely correct. I guess I see them as minimal issues but since it was his first serious relationship he doesn't see how couples have to work through things. Everything should be perfect, easily. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
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