JH123 Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 (edited) So here's the situation: I slipped this super pretty cashier girl at my local supermarket the "hey this might be a long shot but I was wondering if you'd like to grab a coffee sometime" line and she (seeming sincere) said sure. To paint the picture, this was two days ago and about the fifth or sixth time passing through her line and making pleasant small talk (busy supermarket so little chance to grab her attention). I've seen something in her eyes that just sort of compelled me to ask her out but the unfortunate note was my delivery. It was a busy afternoon and the thought of thrusting her or myself under the spotlight of an onlooking store and an impatient line all made me lose my cool a little. I sort of slyly popped the question (quoted above) and asked for a pen and paper to write down my number and did so with little animation (by now the line was getting busy and I didn't want to put on a show). Now two days later - just about - I've yet to receive a call from her. I'm looking for some insight as to where I stand. I'm a bartender and consider myself fairly confident and well spoken, at least an on-my-toes thinker and adaptive. I do a fair job of making people laugh but have held out on her to try and not make her job harder. She hasn't shared anything about herself and in such a fast-paced service setting it's hard to insist on getting to know her - my only in is having friends who went to school with and were "goodish" friends with her. Even so, I don't want my friends to pull strings for me in light of me already making my own move. I wonder if I should go back and when, whether I should insert "I think in a rush I may have jumbled up my number, let me give you it again" or perhaps find her at a better, slower time and apologize for making it awkard last time round and try plan B asking "if I'm not being overbearing, do you mind if I ask for your number?" Or should I just wait? What are the conventions on return time when giving someone your number and expecting feedbac Edited August 7, 2017 by JH123 Grammar Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 She's never going to call you. Even in 2017 you have the rolls reversed. Giving her your # was the mistake. You need to get hers & then you call her. Until you do that this coffee date won't happen. So yes go back & wait for a slower time to ask for her #. If you can't find a slow time, let her know where & when you tend bar. See if she shows up. As a bartender you should known darn well that when you have 5 deep at the bar you don't have time to exchange #s with somebody. That happens during the show periods. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 I'm also surprised that this dynamic surprises you as a bartender. You are approaching her at her place of work. She has to be friendly by default, has no way out, and this is probably not the first time she has run into this type of situation. No matter if you should have asked for her number instead, her not calling you suggests disinterest on her side. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 I'm also surprised that this dynamic surprises you as a bartender. You are approaching her at her place of work. She has to be friendly by default, has no way out, and this is probably not the first time she has run into this type of situation. No matter if you should have asked for her number instead, her not calling you suggests disinterest on her side. Yea, but she responded affirmatively to his suggestion that they grab coffee sometime. Like donnivain said, she probably will not call because women are socialized to believe it's the man's role. So I don't think there is any conclusion to be drawn from it, and I don't think it's a dead end. He just has to find a way to talk to her when she's not working, or when she's on break. OP, don't go back in apologizing, backtracking or anything like that. You don't want to appear insecure, much less say so outright. You need to either catch her not checking groceries, or go when there's no one else in her line. Then you can either ask to grab that coffee when she gets off, and/or ask for her number. I have a little bit of experience. I married a cashier that I picked up in the grocery store. I caught her on break and we met up after her shift. We're divorced now... wondering if I could've gotten a refund if I had returned her to the store. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 I agree, you should have asked for her number and not the other way around. (Although I do understand why you didn't) She may be super shy and would never make the first move. Try to catch her on a down time! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 So here's the situation: I slipped this super pretty cashier girl at my local supermarket the "hey this might be a long shot but I was wondering if you'd like to grab a coffee sometime" line and she (seeming sincere) said sure. To paint the picture, this was two days ago and about the fifth or sixth time passing through her line and making pleasant small talk (busy supermarket so little chance to grab her attention). I've seen something in her eyes that just sort of compelled me to ask her out but the unfortunate note was my delivery. It was a busy afternoon and the thought of thrusting her or myself under the spotlight of an onlooking store and an impatient line all made me lose my cool a little. I sort of slyly popped the question (quoted above) and asked for a pen and paper to write down my number and did so with little animation (by now the line was getting busy and I didn't want to put on a show). Now two days later - just about - I've yet to receive a call from her. I'm looking for some insight as to where I stand. I'm a bartender and consider myself fairly confident and well spoken, at least an on-my-toes thinker and adaptive. I do a fair job of making people laugh but have held out on her to try and not make her job harder. She hasn't shared anything about herself and in such a fast-paced service setting it's hard to insist on getting to know her - my only in is having friends who went to school with and were "goodish" friends with her. Even so, I don't want my friends to pull strings for me in light of me already making my own move. I wonder if I should go back and when, whether I should insert "I think in a rush I may have jumbled up my number, let me give you it again" or perhaps find her at a better, slower time and apologize for making it awkard last time round and try plan B asking "if I'm not being overbearing, do you mind if I ask for your number?" Or should I just wait? What are the conventions on return time when giving someone your number and expecting feedbac Bravo, claps I've done this too but then learned she had a BF already. You didn't ask her if she had one either or do you know already? Can't you got there when it's not so hectic. I met a woman on the line this way too, found out later after exchanging FB screen names she was married. She told me it was okay and said sorry to me. Oh well. But you got to find out first if she is seeing someone else. If she hasn't called you back then it might be a good chance that's she's either seeing someone, has BF, engaged or married. There is a cool easy way to find out where you stand first before you ask them out. But you bypass that and asked her to coffee already. Then she told you sure! You have to go back to that store and talk to her on her break. Ask her when does she take a break and then you show-up to talk to her then. Link to post Share on other sites
Bastile Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 (edited) I personally wouldn't go back. I would just consider it a bungled set, where I learnt a lesson: in this case, to take a woman's number. Hitting on women working in stores is much more difficult than just an average situation. Never understood the point, tbh. You can just go approach someone else. What are the conventions on return time when giving someone your number and expecting feedbac You take her number. I like to message later the same day. "It was nice meeting you today, JH123". Closed message not needing a response. If she responds, then you have high interest. If not, you just pick it up the next day. Edited August 7, 2017 by Bastile 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 Ahhh, ata boy , go for it. Some good old fashion real life asking a girl out. Haven't read the rest but good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
fiskadoro Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 Giving women your number works, but I don't think it does often enough to do it except when there is a huge, gaping, obvious opening there. A few months ago I started a conversation with another customer at a coffee shop around the corner from my house. She was friendly and answered my questions, but not much more. Nevertheless, I left her my number and told her to call me if she wanted to grab dinner later. Then I left immediately. She texted me that evening, and we ended up going out a week or two later, and making plans to go out again. I didn't really follow up, but there ya go. Encouragement you probably don't need, lol. All you can do is wait, and do nothing more! Continue to be friendly and make very little small talk, never mention going out again, and consider shopping at a different supermarket in the future. You kinda messed up by hitting on a woman at a place you frequent... if you keep going in, looking all expectant and being corny and over-friendly, it will be just as obvious as if you asked her out again. You don't want to be a pest, thirsty, or worse do you? Don't make her uncomfortable. I have dated and known lots of women who like attention, and who like nothing more than the ego boost of shooting down a nice guy who hits on them in a polite but thirsty way. Of course all of them would deny it emphatically if you accused them of being this way. For the record, the percentage of women who are friendly and oh-so-slightly-flirty is fairly high. The percentage of women you hit on at work, during a busy time in their shift (thirsty as heck) and who will call you back is much, much lower. I ruined a bar I loved by doing that in college, it creates an awkward situation. Don't be that guy/me, lol. Spoken from experience. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 For the record, the percentage of women who are friendly and oh-so-slightly-flirty is fairly high. The percentage of women you hit on at work, during a busy time in their shift (thirsty as heck) and who will call you back is much, much lower. I ruined a bar I loved by doing that in college, it creates an awkward situation. Don't be that guy/me, lol. Spoken from experience. I couldn't have said it any better. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 She could have been flattered but taken. You'd be surprised how many taken people enjoy the attention so much that they withhold that they are in a relationship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 I know it's good to take opportunity when it strikes BUT as a woman, I never liked it when guys hit on me or asked me out when I was at my job. One day my male coworker was standing right there when a client started asking me if I was married and wanted my number...I felt uneasy, and my coworker got more embarrassed than I did as the guy continued to make comments lol. It was so awkward. I just shook my head because I didn't know what to say without being rude. Being put in that position was uncomfortable. It's not good for business either way. Thank god he never had any reason to come back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bastile Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 I know it's good to take opportunity when it strikes BUT as a woman, I never liked it when guys hit on me or asked me out when I was at my job. One day my male coworker was standing right there when a client started asking me if I was married and wanted my number...I felt uneasy, and my coworker got more embarrassed than I did as the guy continued to make comments lol. It was so awkward. I just shook my head because I didn't know what to say without being rude. Being put in that position was uncomfortable. It's not good for business either way. Thank god he never had any reason to come back. I've seriously never understood it, myself. I'd be interested to hear the thinking behind it. I've heard it a few times where a guy gets fixated on a woman in a store, whom he doesn't even know. When there are women literally walking past outside at that moment who look just as good - if not better. The result rate for a cold approach is very low. Just how it is. Most girls are either unavailable or uninterested. Value the venue. Get your shopping done in peace, and go approach someone else instead. You approach on the street, and a girl just walks away if she isn't into it. And you rarely ever have to see them again. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 The amount of guys who think it's okay to hit on the cashier at her place of work is baffling. She's probably used to it as it being part of her job; most cashiers are. In my student days, I was a cashier at my local supermarket during the summer for cash to buy myself a car, and I got hit on all the time. There were regulars who waited in mile long queues to get to your till, there were guys who'd slip their phone numbers, there were sleazy guys chatting you up in front of their wives and one time there was a guy waiting for me at closure time with a bunch of flowers. That happened to plenty of the other cashiers too, and management would frown on any girl who would look like they were enjoying the attention too much. Tbh most of found that hilarious and creepy af and we used to share stories about our creepiest customers at break time. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 I worked my way through college & grad school tending bar. Guys hit on me & asked me out all the time. I would smile, say something flirty & let them down as gently as I could. Mostly I said I don't date customers (even though that was a lie because I did go out with a few customers, but they had the good sense to ask me out when I was on the other side of the bar) It got weird when they wouldn't take no for an answer. My dad actually punched one guy one night because each time I said no his requests got cruder & cruder. Mostly if after I said no, & the guy persisted, I would call a bouncer over & say "I already said no a dozen times. If you don't stop asking you are no longer welcome to drink here." That made all but the dumbest drunks stop. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 hmm , interesting , probably shoulda read the rest before encouraging. But funny , l would have thought it was as good of way as any if you see that special one , but apparently not eh. Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 I say go back and ask her some questions? What's the worst could happen but in all she did say sure! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bastile Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 hmm , interesting , probably shoulda read the rest before encouraging. But funny , l would have thought it was as good of way as any if you see that special one , but apparently not eh. A good rate of success from approach to a sexual relationship is around 5%... If people are getting much higher than that, with legit hot girls, let me know. You'll be among the best on the planet. Why would anyone burn through all of their local supermarkets hitting on employees? I'm just speaking sense. It's not a smart way of doing things. Good on you for the approach. But, take those guts and apply them in a different way would just be my suggestion. Link to post Share on other sites
kazen Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 It's better to try than not to try. Only thing I would suggest is not to ask a girl out until you two are already on a first name basis and you know whether she is single or not. There is no need to rush to make a cold approach. Since you will see her again, take the time to put effort in getting to know her first and allowing her to know you too. If she makes the effort to remember your name and genuinely seems happy to see you and is a bit more chatty with you than other customers, then you're in a better position to ask her out. Anyways, I think you kind of jump the gun and now she is uncomfortable about the situation. I think you should back off for now. Next time when you go to the store, see if she would initiate contact first. If she avoids you, then it's a big indication she is not interested. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 I worked my way through college & grad school tending bar. Guys hit on me & asked me out all the time. I would smile, say something flirty & let them down as gently as I could. Mostly I said I don't date customers (even though that was a lie because I did go out with a few customers, but they had the good sense to ask me out when I was on the other side of the bar) It got weird when they wouldn't take no for an answer. My dad actually punched one guy one night because each time I said no his requests got cruder & cruder. Mostly if after I said no, & the guy persisted, I would call a bouncer over & say "I already said no a dozen times. If you don't stop asking you are no longer welcome to drink here." That made all but the dumbest drunks stop. Egad! I worked in a night club for 4 years and I remember those guys that wouldn't stop asking me out when I told them no a hundred times.....drove me crazy! There was a few that were obsessed and got all pissy with me......hated it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tetrahedral Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 I say go back and ask her some questions? What's the worst could happen but in all she did say sure! Meh. I think "going back" is weird and desperate. If the cashier were really interested, guess what? She knows where to find him. At best, she's a "wouldn't say no". Move on and do better. OP should have asked for her number. Learn from the experience and apply that next time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 Don't recontact her. If she is interested, she'll get in touch or get on your social media or something. Otherwise, it is a no. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 Don't recontact her. If she is interested, she'll get in touch or get on your social media or something. Otherwise, it is a no. Although I don't often disagree with you, here I think it's OK for the OP to go back to the store & get her phone #. I really think that it's the idea that he wants her to call him that's preventing her from taking action. If he doesn't get her phone # or if he calls / texts & does not get a favorable response, at that point she'd definitely not interested & pursuing her further makes him a creepy stalker type who can't take no or buzz off for an answer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JH123 Posted August 7, 2017 Author Share Posted August 7, 2017 OP here. I appreciate all the constructive feedback. I'd have to admit the only reason I gave my number instead of asking for hers is the level of pressure and awkwardness that would impose on her, someone I don't really know yet, have had a hard time getting to know, and would like to get to know better at a coffee shop where neither of us are being watched by a dozen people at any point in time. She works afternoons part time at a local Whole Foods-esque grocer - during her shift it's always busy. I understand that social work dynamic, working at a bar, and was decidedly short, sweet and to the point with efforts not to make a show. I'm just curious what could be so bad about going back and playing it really safe apologizing for any sense of awkwardness I made her feel and ensuring I wasn't unwanted before giving it a second try. FTR I haven't been stalkerish at all so far. Those few times I passed through and said hi were mixed amongst a dozen or more other visits where I waited in another line. Didn't want to put off any pre-meditated, pre-planned vibe. So I'd say I'm probably good to go back and try again and put our last encounter in a little context for her. What do you all think? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 Go back. Tell her where you tend bar. Let her know when your next shift is. Invite her to pop by. See if she shows up You can even make a joke about it. "Since I keep bugging you at work, I thought I'd give you a chance to get even." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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