Best friend dated my girlfriend before me

[shupomrayhan]

Here's the story: After getting into college, I had a crush on this girl (A). Everyone in class knew about it. But "A" had a bf in another college. I was nnaturally shy with girls and I didn't really talk to "A" much beyond the simple chitchat. But my best buddy "M" used to talk and text her a lot. I didn't put much thought into it because I trusted him and he had a girlfriend of 7 years studying in another college. Then "A" broke up with her bf after a few months but I didn't know that. My buddy "M" knew and he started talking to her more and more. It got to the point where once I saw his phone's call log and it was filled with incoming and outgoing calls towards "A". They also texted all the time, which as I said I didn't worry about because he was my best friend, he knew how much I loved "A" and he had another gf of 7 years. After that, I kinda heard she was single and "M" encouraged me to ask her out which I did. "A" refuses at first but after a month she accepted. 3 days after our relationship she broke up saying that she didn't have feelings for me. But she still talked to me all the time and cared a lot about me and in a few months we got back together again. Then she confessed that she and "M" had a relationship after she broke up with her ex. The reason why she broke up with me at first was because "M" kept telling her he wanted her back so she broke up with me but then once she left me he left her as well.

 

Now let me tell you she is a perfect girlfriend, she's beautiful, intelligent, honorable and classy. She doesn't even talk to other guys at all and she's always transparent to me. She always tolerates if I misbehave with her and constantly tells me how much she loves me. Leaving her is not an option because how much good she is to me and I may never find another like her.

 

The relationship she had with "M" lasted a few months and during that time they went on a date just once and they made out twice. Once he kissed and groped her for a few minutes and the other time they just kissed. She also sent him nude photos once. In a asian country like mine where even having a realtionship is a big deal the things they've done is significant. She's always told me that she never really loved him and she only accepted him because she was depressed from her breakup with ex-bf and he helped her through it. I've forgiven her but I cant get over the fact that "M" betrayed me. How he could have a relationship with the girl of my dreams despite having his own gf..She has confessed everything to me but he hasn't. She doesn't have any proof linking their relationship because she deleted all their texts and no one else knew about it. He still acts like nothing has ever happened and when I ask him why don't he and "A" talk he says it's for no reason. I just can't get over it. I want him to confess his guilt.

But I'm also scared that if I coerce him too much he might leak her nudes and defame her which would probably end with her killing herself. I don't want that. What do I do?

Edited August 7, 2017 by shupomrayhan

[d0nnivain]

He's never going to confess his "guilt" to you. He's not really an honorable guy. If he was he would not have dated A without telling you.

 

Distance yourself from him.

 

Keep an eye on A if you think she's suicidal.

[road]

There is no honor amongst thieves.

 

He was never your friend. Go NC/no contact with him.

 

As to this GF, do not talk about her ex or your ex best

friend ever again and see where your relationship goes.

[shupomrayhan]

How do I even mentally accept this? He acts completely nonchalant. If she didn't tell me I'd never have any idea. And yes my girlfriend is just emotional and she only wants me now. It'd kill her if he was to do something against her.

[shupomrayhan]

We're actually very happy with our relationship and she only ever gets upset when I bring "M" up. But I can't help it. I just feel so jealous about what they did and worst is that she broke up with me first because he told her they'd get back together if she did. She ditched me that time for him abd it aches a lot. I can't keep going on with this pain but I can't leave her either because she's too much in love with me and constantly tells me that she'd die if I ever left her. I love her too and I'd never want anything bad to happen to her. But I also want to see him suffer, or at least say sorry to me. It pains me to see him walking his head held up high after what he's done. At least to me he should be ashamed.

[d0nnivain]

Have you ever point blank asked him? Not in an accusatory way but Hey, why didn't you tell me you dated A? You know she's really upset about the photos. As a favor to me, can you please delete them?

[d0nnivain]

Stop talking to her about him. It only causes both you & A pain.

 

Try what I suggested & ask him about why he didn't tell you but understand he doesn't share your morals or values. He has no shame for this. He has no respect for your GF & not much more for you. He probably thinks she's "easy" & that you are a fool for dating her. He's not going to suffer so the sooner you distance yourself from him, the less you will suffer.

[shupomrayhan]

I just feel so jealous about what they did and worst is that she broke up with me first because he told her they'd get back together if she did. She ditched me that time for him and it aches a lot. They kissed each other and he was her first kiss but she was my first. Even worse is she never loved him and only did what he said because she was so depressed and didn't know what to do. If I had any idea back then that she was single I'd have helped her through it and none of this would ever happen.

 

About directly asking him, I'm scared that he might become agitated and think I might spill the beans to his gf because she and I are acquaintances and also he threatened A once to never tell me and said if she did he'd see the last of her. I'm scared he might leak her nudes to people and that'd kill my girl. I want to do something so that he feels guilty and confesses himself.

[d0nnivain]

About directly asking him, I'm scared that he might become agitated and think I might spill the beans to his gf because she and I are acquaintances and also he threatened A once to never tell me and said if she did he'd see the last of her. I'm scared he might leak her nudes to people and that'd kill my girl. I want to do something so that he feels guilty and confesses himself.

 

He is NEVER going to feel guilty. He doesn't share your values.

 

If you tell his GF, then he will retaliate by spreading the nude pictures.

 

He will be way less agitated if you speak to him directly & calmly, then if you sneak around trying to make him hurt.

 

At some point these pictures are going to come out. They always do. Your GF was a fool for giving them to him & now she may have to face the consequences. If that happens get her whatever help she needs so she doesn't take her own life

 

You really have to cut ties with this guy. He's ruining your life by poisoning your spirit.

[elaine567]

She ditched me that time for him and it aches a lot.

 

^^^ this

 

YOU need to find a new love, this one is tarnished and you are going to find it very very difficult to get over the events that occurred.

[shupomrayhan]

But the thing is, she's always been honest to me. She told me about M instantly after we got back together from our initial breakup. She even told me all about her past relationship (she's only had one before M, and the only thing that guy did was he kissed her hand once. I knew all this way before because I know people from her school and her ex's college). She's just been so sincere to me, and I've shown a lot of anger and hatred towards her because of M and many other insignificant reasons yet she never showed any anger. In our 11 months long relationship, she has never once complained anything about me nor has ever started a fight with me. I had her acquainted with my parents and she's just been so sweet to them it's beyond believable. My parents love her a lot too. She treats them like her own parents. She is shy just like me and rarely talks to other guys or gives me any reason to get angry. I honestly love her a lot and she does too, every single day she repeatedly iterates how much she loves and trusts me and pretty much begs me to never leave her because she wouldn't be able to live without me. She is so much remorseful about what she's done to me that she pretty much breaks down in tears when I talk about M, and even spontaneously sobs because of what she's done to me. And tbh, if she didn't tell me, I'd never know about her and M (as I stated no one else knew aboutt their affair). She didn't need to divulge the details about their dates and kissing but she still did. She's so much faithful to me now and pretty much obeys my every command. She's just like an innocent little kid the way she talks and behaves. I've thought about breaking up with her but I just don't want to punish her for her past mistakes when she acknowledges them and punishes herself for them everyday. I truly believe she'd commit suicide if I left her and then I'd be left to regret how I let the perfect girl go juat because of her past. And admittedly, her past isn't even that bad. She's not even had sex and has had only 2 relationships before me which is I guess below average. I compare her to my ex and she's just so much better it scares me if I leave her I may forever regret letting her go. To me it feels stupid if I left the perfect girl just for her mistakes. Honestly I think if it wasn't for that bastard M, me and A would've been the happiest couple around. I just don't want to see that cheating arsehole's face ever again. I just hate how he acts all innocent around me like he's never done a thing wrong. If only she hadn't sent him nudes, I would've punished him so bad. But I'm handicapped because of her mistake, and that's what pains me so much.

[d0nnivain]

I just don't want to see that cheating arsehole's face ever again. I just hate how he acts all innocent around me like he's never done a thing wrong. If only she hadn't sent him nudes, I would've punished him so bad. But I'm handicapped because of her mistake, and that's what pains me so much.

 

You are trying to avenge the wrong girl.

 

M cheated on his GF. She's the wronged party here. Your GF was the OW.

[usa1ah]

If you can not see it.

 

He is not your friend. Stop talking like he is. A friend would never do what he did.

 

About her. If it is such a taboo for her to do what she did, then she is a fool. He has the means to destroy her life or use the picture as blackmail to get what he wants from her. If you love her marry her and leave your country behind. Move somewhere he can't hurt her. She has done this to herself. Sure it was a ego trip for the other guy to get her to do it but she did it.

[usa1ah]

Also, just stop talking with this "friend" of yours. Stop all interaction between the two of you. Do you really want someone like this around the girl you marry one day? Even if it is not the one you are seeing now.

[shupomrayhan]

He's cheated them both. He got with A promising her that they'd always be together. He had helped A so much through her depression that she believed him blindly. Then he proceeded to toy with us both. As I said in first post, he encouraged me to ask her out, knowing she'd reject me since he was her BF. And then when she did accept me, he pressurised her into leaving me convincing her that he wanted her back. She believed him again. She'd been a fool. Once she left me, he proceeded to treat her bad and left her, while leaving threatened her that if she told me anything about their affair, he wouldn't spare her. I think that's why he got her to give him nudes, as an insurance so that neither me nor A do anything against him for fear of him spreading the pictures.

As for his gf, he cheated her too. But I think that's partly because she is a bit emotionally unstable, tends to fly off the handle on him for little things and always threatens to leave him. I'm not justfying what he did, but maybe he did it all as a way of getting back at her. Its just sad that he chose the girl I love.

If my theory is right, then he's played a great game here.

In the end, his gf and A both got hurt partly because of their own actions, while I was hurt the most through no fault of my own. It hurts.

[Marc878]

Here's the story: After getting into college, I had a crush on this girl (A). Everyone in class knew about it. But "A" had a bf in another college. I was nnaturally shy with girls and I didn't really talk to "A" much beyond the simple chitchat. But my best buddy "M" used to talk and text her a lot. I didn't put much thought into it because I trusted him and he had a girlfriend of 7 years studying in another college. Then "A" broke up with her bf after a few months but I didn't know that. My buddy "M" knew and he started talking to her more and more. It got to the point where once I saw his phone's call log and it was filled with incoming and outgoing calls towards "A". They also texted all the time, which as I said I didn't worry about because he was my best friend, he knew how much I loved "A" and he had another gf of 7 years. After that, I kinda heard she was single and "M" encouraged me to ask her out which I did. "A" refuses at first but after a month she accepted. 3 days after our relationship she broke up saying that she didn't have feelings for me. But she still talked to me all the time and cared a lot about me and in a few months we got back together again. Then she confessed that she and "M" had a relationship after she broke up with her ex. The reason why she broke up with me at first was because "M" kept telling her he wanted her back so she broke up with me but then once she left me he left her as well.

 

Now let me tell you she is a perfect girlfriend, she's beautiful, intelligent, honorable and classy. She doesn't even talk to other guys at all and she's always transparent to me. She always tolerates if I misbehave with her and constantly tells me how much she loves me. Leaving her is not an option because how much good she is to me and I may never find another like her.

 

No she isn't. Only in your mind. Your fantasy of who she is doesn't match her actions

 

The relationship she had with "M" lasted a few months and during that time they went on a date just once and they made out twice. Once he kissed and groped her for a few minutes and the other time they just kissed. She also sent him nude photos once.

 

 

Laughable. You really are delusional

 

In a asian country like mine where even having a realtionship is a big deal the things they've done is significant. She's always told me that she never really loved him and she only accepted him because she was depressed from her breakup with ex-bf and he helped her through it. I've forgiven her but I cant get over the fact that "M" betrayed me. How he could have a relationship with the girl of my dreams despite having his own gf..She has confessed everything to me but he hasn't. She doesn't have any proof linking their relationship because she deleted all their texts and no one else knew about it. He still acts like nothing has ever happened and when I ask him why don't he and "A" talk he says it's for no reason. I just can't get over it. I want him to confess his guilt.

But I'm also scared that if I coerce him too much he might leak her nudes and defame her which would probably end with her killing herself. I don't want that. What do I do?

 

If you were smart you'd get out of your denial and dump both.

[elaine567]

I think your little innocent flower is not as innocent as you believe she is and if M snapped his fingers and wanted her back tomorrow I guess she would dump you in an instant again.

Sorry but you were plan B, IMO.

She was quite happy seeing an attached man behind his gfs back and sending him nudes, so hardly a shrinking violet, is she?

Who sends nudes to a guy they only held hands with and kissed once?

 

Ever heard of trickle truthing? She only told you as much as she could get away with.

YOU need to wake up and see her for what she really is and not who you want her to be.

[usa1ah]

So what really happens if he spreads the nude pics around?

[preraph]

But M is also who encouraged you to ask her out. Were you ever going to get around to it if he hadn't? I don't like people who go after their good friend's crushes -- but you hadn't done anything to try to get with her yet, so if he hadn't gotten involved, I wonder if you ever would have asked her out without him prodding you. I mean, when a friend has a crush on someone, they need to go ahead and take their shot at the earliest opportunity. You can reasonably expect a friend to lay off while you're involved or while you're talking to the person and trying to get the thing off the ground, but if you're doing nothing but talking about her and not to her, you can't expect anyone to take it very seriously.

[sandylee1]

Your girlfriend knew that M had a girlfriend of 7 years and still got with him.... Not great.

 

Then she dumped you on his request. That would worry me.

 

As for your friend... Stay away from him without saying anything.

 

Unless you plan to marry this girl, I don't see the point in continuing if you can't get over what's happened.

[shupomrayhan]

So I should basically go cold turkey on him?

[Poutrew]

So I should basically go cold turkey on him?

 

Yes. And her too. Your little flower did more with M than she is admitting to you. Nude texts are either souvenirs, or her way of telling M, "hey baby, these pics are a little reminder of what you can look forward to when we get together". She wanted M, not you. She dumped you when M snapped his fingers. Don't you get it? You are her 'nice boy'. IF you don't believe me, I have one question to ask you - has she ever sent you nude pictures? I would bet no. She wants you around to fix the leaky pipes, father the children, and work hard for her. M is the bad boy she lusts after. She is playing you, brother. And, you are falling for it...

[GoldenR]

He's a ****ty friend. She's not girlfriend material.

 

They had sex.

 

Drop them both.

[shupomrayhan]

I don't want to leave her. As I said, if she didn't tell me about M, I'd have never known because she and M are the only two persons that knew about their affair. If she wished she could've simply hidden it from me and I wouldn't know. But she was honest and she told me everything herself. That level of honesty is kinda rare. And also, since we got back together, she's literally been perfect to me. She never made any mistake at all. I've even told her that if she makes any mistake and hurts me I'll leave her. She accepted that and promised on her life she's hurt me enough and would never hurt me again. I just need help forgetting all these as for the past 10 months I've been traumatized. She's done her best to help but I just can't forget.

[road]

I don't want to leave her. As I said, if she didn't tell me about M, I'd have never known because she and M are the only two persons that knew about their affair. If she wished she could've simply hidden it from me and I wouldn't know. But she was honest and she told me everything herself. That level of honesty is kinda rare. And also, since we got back together, she's literally been perfect to me. She never made any mistake at all. I've even told her that if she makes any mistake and hurts me I'll leave her. She accepted that and promised on her life she's hurt me enough and would never hurt me again. I just need help forgetting all these as for the past 10 months I've been traumatized. She's done her best to help but I just can't forget.

 

Ten months is no time at all when recovering from being

cheated on. Recovery is a two to five year job.

 

You want to heal from this then you must go NC with your

ex-friend for ever and stop talking about the affair with your GF.

All these two things do is keep the affair memories fresh in

your mind instead of letting time allowing those memories

to fade and be forgotten.

 

Being you want to try recovery then go for it but you must do

those two things.

 

Also I truly believe they had sex. I mean send nude photos

and not get physical.