Introverted Boyfriend & My Needs

[twentysix]

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 6 months. He has struggled with anxiety & social anxiety for most of his life.

The relationship he has with me is the longest relationship he's been in since he was 21, and he's just turned 29.

 

We had some issues a couple of months ago with him struggling to integrate me into his life and get used to being in a relationship, but after multiple conversations and some time, we managed to get through it. The issue boiled down to him having a very hard time adjusting to a "serious" relationship. He wanted to, he knew it was good for him & he cared a lot about me/us, but it was very new to him. He's never had a proper relationship before and is so used to being on his own & doing his own thing and the whole "relationship" was a major adjustment for him.

I've since asked him how he's doing with it, and he says he finds being in a relationship very hard but it's definitely worth it. There's no way he would rather go back to being single, he would 100% rather have me in his life, despite the difficulties. He's told me not to worry - he's happy with me & our relationship and doesn't plan on going anywhere.

 

As this was all a big adjustment for him, I feel like lately I've been focusing too much on his needs and not enough on my own needs. When I talk about needs, I mean;

 

- Time spent together. He is very introverted and needs a lot of time to himself. He has already sacrificed a lot of his alone time for me as we usually spend the weekend together from Friday night through to Sunday evening unless one of us have other plans. He wants to do this, however he has said that it is an effort on his part that I may not realize he's doing for me. Previously, he was working away from home so weekends was the ONLY time we could see each other, however 4 weeks ago he started working local. We only live 15 minute drive from each other, however I still rarely see him again until Friday night. When he started working local, he told me that we could see each other a night or two during the week if I wanted, but he has never initiated it. I have initiated it once, took him out for dinner on a Wednesday, then sort of "left the ball in his court" for the past 3 weeks but nothing has happened.

I don't know if I should mention to him that I'd like to see him more if he's able to find the time? He is not busy at all, he gets home from work at about 5:30PM and then just hangs at home (he lives with his parents) until bed time. I seriously feel like I'd be asking for too much though.

 

- Communication. It's been about 4 weeks since he last initiated a "hey, how is your day going?" text, and that was only because he was checking up on me after a friend of mine passed away. I had a feeling that because I'm quite forward, I may never give him an opportunity to call or text because I do it first. So I stopped, and I didn't hear from him for two days until I finally gave up & called him. He was all happy to hear from me & we speak for over half an hour, but the silence didn't seem to affect him at all. The lack of communication during the week is not exactly new though.

 

- Moody. He's a very moody person, and I think that this is because he does not like dealing with any problems that he has. Does this have to be with being introverted? Sometimes, we'll wake up on a Saturday morning and he's "in a mood" for most of the day until he gets distracted by something. This has bothered me and I've voiced it to him asking if I've done something wrong, where he gets frustrated and just says, "I'm just in a mood, stop taking everything so personally!" He always accuses me of taking everything "personally" when really I'm just trying to help him.

One time sticks out in particular when we were on the way back from a training session of his for skiing (he ski's competitively) and he snapped at me. I basically shut my mouth, realizing he was "in a mood" and didn't speak to him for most of the hour drive back home. When we got back, he turned to me, grabbed my hand and said, "You're a beautiful girl and you really do mean a lot to me. I would do anything for you, I just get in these moods sometimes and I apologize."

 

I'm just really confused about this whole thing. I am a really giving person - I love doing things for him, supporting him by getting him a job at my workplace which he's excelling at (we don't see each other at work), I've bought him a couple of thoughtful gifts when I've come across them, I text him from time to time & let him know how happy & proud of him I am lately etc. etc. and I really do seem to get very little back. It's not that I'm necessarily expecting much back, but relationships are about give & take aren't they?

 

I'm definitely the person he's closest to in the world. He has friends, but most of them are people he either speaks to on a monthly basis or people he skiis with so they only talk about that one thing and never see each other outside of the sport. Since we met, he has never gone "for a beer with a friend" or anything. If he sees or speaks to a friend, it's for a reason: skiing, picking up something from them or calling them for a specific reason only. It seems as if he is truly not used to getting close to people at all.

 

I guess I just need some insight here. Is he already giving me all he can for now and I'm expecting too much? Are we too incompatible? I feel like I've talked him to death about issues that I have with our relationship and I feel like I'm being pushy bringing up a new issue every week. I don't want to be like this, I just want him to show some more initiative. He never ignores my calls or texts, he very rarely says "no" when I ask to hang out and he very rarely turns down sex. But why do I always have to be the one to initiate everything? It makes me feel needy & pathetic. Maybe I just need to accept that this is how he is, and as long as he's not ignoring me then everything must be OK?

Edited August 8, 2017 by twentysix

[basil67]

Maybe I just need to accept that this is how he is, and as long as he's not ignoring me then everything must be OK?

 

Yes and no. Yes, you need to accept that this is how he is. Then you have to ask yourself if that's good enough for you.

 

Thing is, you're still on your 'honeymoon' period with this guy and there are so many problems that you're finding yourself biting your tongue. Sure, he's not mean or nasty, but that doesn't mean that he's got what it takes to offer you a good relationship.

 

When you wrote about him sacrificing his spare time to be with you, was the word 'sacrifice' your word or his? Because if he views it as a sacrifice and you view it as a pleasure, there's a whole world of incompatibility going on there.

 

My view is that you shouldn't be settling yourself into a relationship which doesn't meet your needs.

[twentysix]

When you wrote about him sacrificing his spare time to be with you, was the word 'sacrifice' your word or his? Because if he views it as a sacrifice and you view it as a pleasure, there's a whole world of incompatibility going on there.

 

I don't think he used the word sacrifice. We were having a discussion about how unbalanced the relationship seems sometimes, and he said something like, "You know that I'm a very introverted person and I need a lot of time to myself, and I've converted a lot of 'me' time to 'us' time. It's not that I don't want to, I do want to, but I just don't think you realize how much I've actually changed in my life for you."

I then said, "Well, thank you for spending your spare time with me."

And then he looked embarrassed and said, "It sounds silly when you say it, like you're right, it should just be a given."

 

I think it's mainly the fact that he doesn't need as much time with me as I need with him, but he cares about me and wants to make me happy so he kind of goes outside his comfort zone. I should appreciate this, and I do, but it's still not quite enough. Arghhh

[SammySammy]

I'm convinced some people are not meant to be in committed relationships.

[preraph]

He's 29 years old. This is how he is always going to be. A friend of mine married a guy like this and it is just miserable. She wanted to have a kid right away and so she saddled with him. He just does whatever he wants to do which is mainly be by himself and she has to do everything else. Other than keeping a job he really doesn't contribute much.

 

If you think it's bad now with just you having to deal with him wait until you want to invite relatives over for holidays. This is the thing that makes the couple I know get in the biggest fights. He will go in his room and stay there until dinner's on the table and then eat and go back in his room

At Christmas he wouldn't even open her mother's gift to him. He gets mad at her for having anyone over. If she asks him to watch the kids so she could go do something she might ask a month in advance and he will not give her an answer and just refuse to talk about it just hoping she'll forget about it. And so when the day comes that she's trying to go do whatever it is she never knows if she can really go do it or not. Also he has the idea that he is really smart and right about everything because he just spends all his time online or playing games. And he is always ranting to her about really delusional crazy crap that he is convinced he's right about. The whole world is wrong and he is the only right one. And his problem is just social anxiety.

 

He also isn't very sexual with her. It's a real project to have sex with him.

 

Do not expect him to get used to things and change. If he was 15 I'd say there's a good chance he would change, but he is fully mature at 29 and he has a mental health condition social anxiety and possibly other anxiety and he's probably only going to get worse because at some point he'll stop caring as much to try as hard. And just so you know people with social anxiety or among the last to ever agree to seek psychological treatment.

 

So sorry to rain on your parade but you wrote that long post and I can tell you already have doubts, and I'm just here to tell you there must be a better partner you can spend your life with and warn you do not have kids with him because he won't be any help because he is not going to want to take part in anything public and probably will want to be alone most of the time anyway.

 

And this rubs off on the kids. He would be the role model and they would think it's normal to be like this.

 

A lot of people with social anxiety try to play it off as harmless introversion but introverts really don't have a problem functioning in society.

Edited August 8, 2017 by preraph

[twentysix]

He's 29 years old. This is how he is always going to be. A friend of mine married a guy like this and it is just miserable. She wanted to have a kid right away and so she saddled with him. He just does whatever he wants to do which is mainly be by himself and she has to do everything else. Other than keeping a job he really doesn't contribute much.

 

If you think it's bad now with just you having to deal with him wait until you want to invite relatives over for holidays. This is the thing that makes the couple I know get in the biggest fights. He will go in his room and stay there until dinner's on the table and then eat and go back in his room

At Christmas he wouldn't even open her mother's gift to him. He gets mad at her for having anyone over. If she asks him to watch the kids so she could go do something she might ask a month in advance and he will not give her an answer and just refuse to talk about it just hoping she'll forget about it. And so when the day comes that she's trying to go do whatever it is she never knows if she can really go do it or not. Also he has the idea that he is really smart and right about everything because he just spends all his time online or playing games. And he is always ranting to her about really delusional crazy crap that he is convinced he's right about. The whole world is wrong and he is the only right one. And his problem is just social anxiety.

 

He also isn't very sexual with her. It's a real project to have sex with him.

 

Do not expect him to get used to things and change. If he was 15 I'd say there's a good chance he would change, but he is fully mature at 29 and he has a mental health condition social anxiety and possibly other anxiety and he's probably only going to get worse because at some point he'll stop caring as much to try as hard. And just so you know people with social anxiety or among the last to ever agree to seek psychological treatment.

 

So sorry to rain on your parade but you wrote that long post and I can tell you already have doubts, and I'm just here to tell you there must be a better partner you can spend your life with and warn you do not have kids with him because he won't be any help because he is not going to want to take part in anything public and probably will want to be alone most of the time anyway.

 

And this rubs off on the kids. He would be the role model and they would think it's normal to be like this.

 

A lot of people with social anxiety try to play it off as harmless introversion but introverts really don't have a problem functioning in society.

 

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate your input, I really need to hear different opinions.

 

The only thing that I can say from your post that seems unlikely, is that he would NEVER hide away in his room during social gatherings as he would worry that he is coming across as rude. He loves being around people, he just doesn't say alot and prefers to stand and listen rather than be the center of attention.

 

We do a lot of stuff together out in public, he even works up the courage to ask for directions and things like that which he wasn't comfortable with when we met.

 

He has been to therapists and has been on medications, but he isn't seeing anybody or taking anything at the moment. I actually struggle with anxiety myself, and I've been taking medication for years so I can understand his anxiety.

 

What I don't understand is his unwillingness to initiate anything and always letting me take the reins. If he wasn't interested, he would just say no or ignore me, but he doesn't - he always comes around when I ask, takes/returns all my calls & likes to do favors for me when I ask him. He just doesn't do it by his own accord.

 

The last time he took initiative and took me out for dinner was on 14th June. Every time we have seen each other since then has been my idea (which he has happily accepted).

[kazen]

I'm also an introvert so I can understand why he doesn't initiate. Basically introverts rarely initiate social activities, we usually wait for someone to invite us and then we decide if we are in the mood to go out. Socializing drains our energy. So usually we need to recharge our batteries after going out. That's why he doesn't initiate because after spending time with you, he is depleted of his "social" energy so he has no desire to go out again. But since he likes you and wants to spend time with you too, he will go out whenever you invite him. But he isn't going to initiate because he's trying to recharge his battery. Couple with the fact he has anxiety disorder, I think he needs that extra time to recoup.

 

Unfortunately, this is how he will be for a long time, but I do believe he can improve slowly. However, you should have this discussion with him. Tell him how you would like him to initiate more and that you want to spend more time with him not just the weekend. Perhaps he is unaware of how much it is bothering you. If he likes you as much as you like him, he will probably try to make effort to initiate. Ultimately, you will have to decide if you two are compatible. Introvert guys rarely break off relationships. We are easily content. Anyways, I hope that helps.

[d0nnivain]

My husband is an introvert. At 6 months of dating there is no way he would have survived Friday night through Sunday night together every weekend. You are asking too much.

 

 

Have a Friday night date. Sleep over if you like. Separate for 4-5 hours on Saturday unless you have actual plans together. If you have daytime plans, go home no later than after dinner. If you sleep over again Saturday night because you already left for several hours during the day, go home before lunch on Sunday.

 

 

In exchange for that, insist on a short 3-4 hour weeknight date.

 

 

Tell him you expect him to pick up the phone & call you using the voice feature at least once per week & for him to initiate 1 text week. If you give him small but concrete goals / directions / expectations you are more likely to get what you want.

 

 

Introverts can make great partners but you have to give them a LOT of space & alone time. DH spends a great deal of time in his man cave. I try to stay out of there but when I'm particularly lonely I will ask him to come out & keep me company for an hour or two. Don't expect that you will get cuddled on the couch every night watching TV; that is too much togetherness for some introverts. Also introverts are happier sitting there in silence rather than filling up the quiet with what they consider idle chatter. DH can't / won't make small talk. The conversation has to be "profound" or have a point (How are we going to fix this particular problem?).

[preraph]

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate your input, I really need to hear different opinions.

 

The only thing that I can say from your post that seems unlikely, is that he would NEVER hide away in his room during social gatherings as he would worry that he is coming across as rude. He loves being around people, he just doesn't say alot and prefers to stand and listen rather than be the center of attention.

 

We do a lot of stuff together out in public, he even works up the courage to ask for directions and things like that which he wasn't comfortable with when we met.

 

He has been to therapists and has been on medications, but he isn't seeing anybody or taking anything at the moment. I actually struggle with anxiety myself, and I've been taking medication for years so I can understand his anxiety.

 

What I don't understand is his unwillingness to initiate anything and always letting me take the reins. If he wasn't interested, he would just say no or ignore me, but he doesn't - he always comes around when I ask, takes/returns all my calls & likes to do favors for me when I ask him. He just doesn't do it by his own accord.

 

The last time he took initiative and took me out for dinner was on 14th June. Every time we have seen each other since then has been my idea (which he has happily accepted).

 

Glad he did do therapy, but he needs to stay in it or at least stay on his meds or try new meds.

 

My fear is he's looking on you more to parent him since he is just sitting back waiting for you to tell him what to do. I'm glad he is at least not rude to people.

 

It just sounds like a struggle to me. I would feel more of a parent/child connection with someone like this. Too much work.

[Gaeta]

You are incompatible.

 

You need to end this and find a partner better suited to your personality. No, love is not enough. This is a 6 months relationship and you already have a list of complains. Complains he cannot fix for you and are probably un-fixable.

 

I don't know why any woman would willingly enter this type of difficult relationship.

 

It's only 6 months, you have not wasted any time yet. End it.

[wmacbride]

I'm sorry, but you can't change an introvert i know this because I am one.

 

Social activity is incredibly draining and introverts often need time to recharge. That means "alone time".

 

If you can't give him that, and he can't give you what you need from him, then I would suggest you re-examine the relationship.

 

the shine is there now because it is relatively new, but that doesn't last, and sooner or later you are both going to have to face up to your personalities and see if they mesh.

 

One thing you do not want to do is expect him to change who he is, at such a fundamental level, for you. Some introverts and extroverts can make a great pair, but this tends to happen if they both recognize, accept and even celebrate the differences in ther personalities.

[twentysix]

Thanks everyone so much for your replies. I sent him a text about this last night - I don't normally discuss issues via text, however I wanted him to be aware that I am not angry at him or looking for an argument, so I laid the issues out in a straight to the point text (so he could re-read and hopefully not taking anything too hard), making sure I wasn't pointing fingers and just expressing how I feel. Here's what I got in response:

 

"Maybe plan to spend more time with your friends and less time with me (during the week) because I feel like I don't have a lot of spare time and when I do, I really need to focus on training, because at the moment I'm stressed... because I'm not very active at the moment and I need to get fit for ski season.

We do spend a lot of time together, considering it's only been 6 months, so maybe less time together will make us enjoy it more when we are together :)"

 

I told him I appreciated him communicating that with me - I honestly didn't know how much he was stressing the beginning of ski season & his lack of training.

This is what happens when people don't COMMUNICATE THEIR NEEDS. Here I am thinking that he just doesn't want to see me, when really he has other stresses he's just not talking about.

I'm just going to back off a little now - let him come to me and see how I can handle that.

If it's not enough for me, I'll re-evaluate things. But I'd like to see how things go over the next month or so. He is not a dishonest person and I know he's not using that as an excuse. He really does mean a lot to me and I haven't felt like this about someone in a very long time.

Edited August 8, 2017 by twentysix

[wmacbride]

It sounds like you two have found a "work around" that is good for both of you. That's a great sign. If you can keep it up and continue to work together, that bodes well for the two of you.

 

I can;t speak for him, but some introverts find discussing their feelings difficult, especially of they tend to be analytical. If that applies to him, you might try suggesting to him that he write it out instead and then you can discuss it. He might also need extra time to gather his thoughts when he is having an emotional conversation. That can be frustrating, but it's not you.

[twentysix]

It sounds like you two have found a "work around" that is good for both of you. That's a great sign. If you can keep it up and continue to work together, that bodes well for the two of you.

 

I can;t speak for him, but some introverts find discussing their feelings difficult, especially of they tend to be analytical. If that applies to him, you might try suggesting to him that he write it out instead and then you can discuss it. He might also need extra time to gather his thoughts when he is having an emotional conversation. That can be frustrating, but it's not you.

 

We definitely had a better time communicating about this via text than we ever do in person. Every other person I've been with, I'd never resort to texting as a way to discuss big issues, but maybe it works better for us and there's nothing wrong with that.

I find that he gets frustrated in person during a big discussion or "argument" because he can't articulate what he means to say and then it comes out wrong. Or he just nods and says nothing at all, which is frustrating for me too. Then I press him to respond and he never walks away or yells, he just comes across as rude because he doesn't want to/can't talk about it.

 

Feeling much happier & content today.

[d0nnivain]

Oh boy.

 

I am happy for you that you feel happier & more content today.

 

Unfortunately, even married to an introvert I had a vastly different & far more negative reaction to your BF's message then you did.

 

His message doesn't read "introvert" to me at all. IMO, it reads like he is not as into you as you are into him. He thinks you spend too much time together and he is prioritizing getting ready for ski season over spending time with you. Sorry but that is a message telling you point blank where you rank in his life & it's not in the top 5.

 

Introverts don't like people & want to spend time alone to recharge. Yes, skiing is a solo sport but there are tons of people around -- on the lifts, in the lodges, on the trails etc. It's social. As much as my husband values his alone time, he was giving up sleep to make sure he spent some time with me while he balanced his FT job; his PT job, going to school & his need to be alone. The idea of going skiing & deal with all those other people would make him cringe.

 

I really hope you are right & I am wrong but a guy who liked you, introvert or not, would be asking you to train with him, would be talking about taking you skiing & speculating about how much fun you will have together this winter. He's pawning you off on your friends because he can't be bothered.

[kazen]

 

His message doesn't read "introvert" to me at all.

 

 

In a txt, of course introvert sounds normal. We have the time to think about what to write. But in a person to person interaction you will notice the difference. OP has started to understand him more and I think she and him should give the relationship more time to develop and see how it goes.

 

By the way, OP, you should google how to date introvert, there are some good articles on that.

[twentysix]

Oh boy.

 

I am happy for you that you feel happier & more content today.

 

Unfortunately, even married to an introvert I had a vastly different & far more negative reaction to your BF's message then you did.

 

His message doesn't read "introvert" to me at all. IMO, it reads like he is not as into you as you are into him. He thinks you spend too much time together and he is prioritizing getting ready for ski season over spending time with you. Sorry but that is a message telling you point blank where you rank in his life & it's not in the top 5.

 

Introverts don't like people & want to spend time alone to recharge. Yes, skiing is a solo sport but there are tons of people around -- on the lifts, in the lodges, on the trails etc. It's social. As much as my husband values his alone time, he was giving up sleep to make sure he spent some time with me while he balanced his FT job; his PT job, going to school & his need to be alone. The idea of going skiing & deal with all those other people would make him cringe.

 

I really hope you are right & I am wrong but a guy who liked you, introvert or not, would be asking you to train with him, would be talking about taking you skiing & speculating about how much fun you will have together this winter. He's pawning you off on your friends because he can't be bothered.

 

I can completely understand your point here. That's how I thought it read at first too.

But, after talking it through with a friend, I realize we see each other habitually on a Friday night, all day Saturday, Saturday night and then every 2nd Sunday when he's not skiing. If he skiis on a Sunday, he'll stay Saturday night and get up early to leave. Then he'll come over & stay on a Monday night to make up the lost time. I was asking for a Wednesday night or something to break up the week, but for someone who is introverted & also needs to train for races about to start in a month, I now sort of feel like I'm asking for a little too much. He is a competitive ski racer, races all over the state, so it's not really something I can get involved in until he starts the season & I can come support him.

We do see each other quite a bit, really. If he starts wanting to decrease the time we already do spend together, then yes, he is definitely not prioritizing me and that's not OK. But if he can maintain the "schedule" we currently have, then I don't think I need to worry.

[twentysix]

Oh boy.

 

I am happy for you that you feel happier & more content today.

 

Unfortunately, even married to an introvert I had a vastly different & far more negative reaction to your BF's message then you did.

 

His message doesn't read "introvert" to me at all. IMO, it reads like he is not as into you as you are into him. He thinks you spend too much time together and he is prioritizing getting ready for ski season over spending time with you. Sorry but that is a message telling you point blank where you rank in his life & it's not in the top 5.

 

Introverts don't like people & want to spend time alone to recharge. Yes, skiing is a solo sport but there are tons of people around -- on the lifts, in the lodges, on the trails etc. It's social. As much as my husband values his alone time, he was giving up sleep to make sure he spent some time with me while he balanced his FT job; his PT job, going to school & his need to be alone. The idea of going skiing & deal with all those other people would make him cringe.

 

I really hope you are right & I am wrong but a guy who liked you, introvert or not, would be asking you to train with him, would be talking about taking you skiing & speculating about how much fun you will have together this winter. He's pawning you off on your friends because he can't be bothered.

 

Also - when I first wrote this post yesterday I wrote: "He is not busy at all, he gets home from work at about 5:30PM and then just hangs at home (he lives with his parents) until bed time. I seriously feel like I'd be asking for too much though."

However, he had not communicated with me that he needed to train. So I'm sitting here thinking he's just being lazy every afternoon and choosing not to see me, but he's stressing about the upcoming season & training at the gym.

A huge communication breakdown which is hopefully smoothed out now...?

[Nowty V]

You could try these books.

 

Be Your Own CBT Therapist by Windy Dryden

 

This could help him with his anxiety.

 

The Highly Sensitive Person In Love by Elaine Aron Ph.D.

 

I've only just looked at this one, I have read 'The Highly Sensitive Person, how to cope when the world overwhelms you' by Elain Aron Ph.D. and that was really good, informative.

 

[spiderowl]

This is probably how he is. Maybe you need someone more giving, more interactive. It is not just about one person's needs. A relationship is about both people's needs. Having said that, you cannot change someone's fundamental personality. If he is not giving or sharing enough for you, you may have to reconsider this relationship. Well, it sounds like you already are.

[honeytomb]

Introvert here.

 

If one person is very introverted and one is very extroverted, I would say they are incompatible. Mostly because there is a lack of understanding from both sides and eventually the differences/life adjustments become annoyances and very dissatisfying.

 

It is pretty clear where he is on the spectrum but not where you are (how extroverted you are.) If it is going to bother you that he doesn't want to go out, finds it difficult to spend time with your friends/family, etc. then you are incompatible.

 

As for his moods, if this is due to his introversion and not a mental disorder of some sort, then it may be that he is overstimulated or drained and needs space. Spending a string of days with someone is harder for me than for our time to be spaced out. If you'd like to see him during the week, maybe try breaking up your weekends or cutting them short. For example, give him Sunday "off" and see each other on Wednesday.

 

I don't necessarily agree that his skiing indicates he isn't actually an introvert. If that is his passion, he would manage to do it despite his introversion.

 

He may not be right for you or able to give you what you need. If not, it is okay to move on. I'd like to mention some positives to being with an introvert though. It is difficult for an introvert to give his or her time and self to someone, that he often spends entire weekends with you says a lot about your importance in his world, and you won't share top spot with anyone or even compete. You never have to worry about what he is out doing. You won't have to deal with the drama of his social life. If you ever do find you need space, he will be understanding and able to give it.

[kazen]

I realize an introverted girl would fit me the best, but it's hard to meet one when they don't come out of the house.

[Snow_Queen]

Another introvert here.

 

Yes, we like our time alone and I spend many nights in to relax. However, I find when I truly like a guy I'm dating I enjoy being around him. This is coming from someone who would rather be alone than around even a small crowd.

 

The guy I'm dating now is very extroverted but I never not want to be with him. I find myself wanting less and less time alone. He's quite the talker but I am a listener so it works even better. My point is most people who hold a strong enough interest will adjust in order to make time for you.

[twentysix]

OK. So. It's been a month since I last posted and I have an update.

 

About two weeks ago, we had a very honest discussion about our needs within the relationship. He opened up about his feelings in a very honest way that I haven't seen him do before.

He said that he felt like things were going a bit too fast for him - we've only been together 6 months and he said sometimes it feels like we've been together for years. When I asked what he meant, he said it's always "assumed" that we'll be spending the whole weekend together, and he says he feels like he's losing his independence a bit. He says he feels like if he has something he wants to do on a Saturday, he can't say he wants to do it because he's worried I'll get upset. Because it's assumed "us" time that he's cutting short.

This was interesting for me to hear, because I kind of agreed with him. I keep my weekends free because I know it's my only chance to see him, and if he has something he needs to do, although I never get upset or mad, I probably give off a disappointed vibe. I have my own friends and plenty that I can fill my weekends with, however I do get paranoid as the weekend approaches, wondering if/when we'll see each other, even though I know full well that we will.

 

During the chat, I got a bit emotional and tried to leave. He hugged me, asked me not to leave and have a cup of tea with him. I did, and he told me that while I was upset earlier, he was looking at me thinking, "I really like this girl and I don't want to lose her, but something has got to change."

 

I realized that I had been consuming myself too much in the relationship and probably not looking after MYSELF properly. Here's this guy who's not really wired towards having a relationship but is doing his best because he really cares about me - he's trying to balance work, hobbies, alone time & time with me and all I'm thinking about is the relationship. And it obviously shows. Talk about too much pressure ;-)

He said he's worried that we rely a bit too much on each other to fill our weekends and he'd rather that we spent more QUALITY time together rather than assuming we'll hang out, not plan anything and then just end up doing nothing.

 

All these thoughts he had about our relationship had been building up resentment in him towards me, hence the issues we've been having communicating. After our chat, I dropped him home early so we could both have the afternoon to ourselves.

He texted me the next morning: "I feel great after talking to you over the weekend about us and I hope we can move forward in a good way and be very happy together. I hope you're feeling good about it too?"

 

I've taken a step back from the relationship (in a way) by focusing my energy a little more on myself. I've been seeing friends more often, making my own weekend plans and started kickboxing. If I'm able to keep this up and be comfortable with it, then I'll know whether I'll be able to be happy staying in a relationship with an introvert that doesn't give or need a lot of attention. Being this independent in a relationship is very new to me, but I'm open to it. Because as many times as I think about the ongoing issues we've had in our short time together, the bottom line is that I do love him and our personalities really do compliment each other. We've both changed a lot since we met in really positive ways. Me: I barely drink anymore, quit smoking and have been much healthier. He's taught me a patience I never quite had before and has helped me slow down a little in my life. He's also got me out of my comfort zone a lot; which is interesting how he was able to do that but he was. For him: He's pretty much always been single and is used to doing what he wants when he wants and is pretty selfish with his time. I've taught him to open up to another person and incorporate someone (me) into his life, which is very new to him. He was very impulsive when I met him, but he thinks through things a lot more now. If he wanted something, he used to buy it right away and not even think twice. As he has anxiety, I've also helped him to learn how to not compare himself to others, something he struggled with a lot.

 

Since our chat, things have been pretty good. Although, the effort that I've gone to to try and understand him definitely outweighs any of his efforts to understand me. For example, last Friday we had plans to see each other but he had a bad day, so he texted me to say he wasn't coming over any more. Although I did not take it personally and understood that he needed to be alone, I do feel like the text comes from a bit of a selfish place. I've asked him to try and meet me half way because it comes across as disrespect and disinterest in the relationship which is a major turn off for me. He hugged me and told me that he is sorry he doesn't meet me halfway. He feels very lucky to be with me, he loves coming to see me & loves having me in his life. I told him that I feel the same way, of course I do, other wise I wouldn't be with him. We are definitely a lot closer after communicating our needs, and I really hope that things just keep getting better & better.

Edited September 6, 2017 by twentysix

[nospam99]

This relationship sounds like me and my ex, but on LOTS of steroids. We had some similar issues but the one that I don't see mentioned and was IMO the ultimate relationship killer after many years was making time to do all the 'other' things that are not about the two people being with each other. Two things that there are never 'enough' of: time and money. I'm focusing on time here. The OP has talked a lot about how she and bf have to and do make efforts to balance his alone time with her desire for more together time. We worked that out when it was just the two of us. It even continued to work under the time burdens of taking care of pets and our own home. BUT ... for us kids were the straw that broke the time camel's back. No way I'm 'blaming' the kids or regretting them. Rather I'm observing that having children is just one more (huge) time sink potentially in the future of many male-female romantic relationships and it's wise to be prepared. The OP wants together time (and has said little about her own need for alone time). The bf wants alone time as well as together time. Time is limited and if these two 'grow' together there will likely be growing needs for other time.