Introverted Boyfriend & My Needs

[Snow_Queen]

It honestly does not sound like you are happy with this relationship. 6 months in and you still feel your needs are not all being met. End it and find someone who gives you what you need.

 

Over the years of dating, it has occurred to me that a man will either bring out the best in me or the worst. Those who brought out my worst (ex. anxiety, anger, jealousy, frustration) were due to incompatibility. Someone who's suitable makes me want to be my best.

[BryanSmiley]

Really positive progress and position it sounds like you are both in now, overall.

 

I find it a real shame for people to have stated in an all to knowing way, that you are simply incompatible and you should dump him.

 

I think you perhaps had a tendency to over analyse, whereas he’s happy to go with the flow.

 

He’s shown he values you a lot, you a moving forwards with communication and effort.

 

Really good example I think. It’s a shame too many find it all too easy to be pessimistic about overcoming relationship challenges.

[Redhead14]

Forget about why/what causes him to be the way he is. It is what it is. You need evaluate whether the way he is works for you or not. If you are feeling like you are doing all the work in the relationship, then you are. Yes, there needs to be give and take. There isn't in this case.

 

If you are waiting for him to change for you, giving him time, you're gonna need a bigger watch . . .

[knabe]

Honestly, some of this, especially the whole being "in a mood until something distracts him" thing reads less like introvert and more like broody and immature.

 

Just be careful. I married an introvert, and within 3 years my large circle of friends dwindled down to 2. I became an "introvert" and homebody by default, and it lead to depression.

[Els]

I don't understand why the weekend is the only time you two can see each other if you live 15 min apart?

 

That being said, as an introvert myself, I would hesitate to pin everything he does on "introversion". Contrary to popular belief, introverts don't necessarily need less time with their loved ones than extroverts do. Instead, we have a "bubble" that we only allow very few loved ones to enter, and we are typically very close with them. The main "symptom" (if you can call it that) of being an introvert is that we dislike large groups, crowds, and meaningless socializing with lots of people whom we have never met before and are unlikely to meet again. I would hope that as his girlfriend of 6 months, you would fall in the former category and not the latter.

[d0nnivain]

If it helps, I always sort of assumed in the beginning of a relationship that if I didn't make weekend plans with a new guy, I was free to make plans with my girlfriends. I certainly didn't stop spending time with my friends for a new man. But as the relationship progressed, I shifted my assumptions to assuming the guy & I had plans so I needed to give him a few days notice if I wanted part of the weekend to do stuff with friends without him. Nobody got upset. It's just about scheduling & planning.

 

So since your guy expressed concerns about feeling pressured to spend the whole weekend every weekend with you, work out how & when communications regarding weekend plans will happen.

 

I like notice. Most people are more spontaneous. Go with what works for you but do assure him that you won't freak because he wants to hang with the boys once in a while. If there's a balance: couple time, friends' time & group time it should all be fine.

[fred123]

If it helps, I always sort of assumed in the beginning of a relationship that if I didn't make weekend plans with a new guy, I was free to make plans with my girlfriends. I certainly didn't stop spending time with my friends for a new man. But as the relationship progressed, I shifted my assumptions to assuming the guy & I had plans so I needed to give him a few days notice if I wanted part of the weekend to do stuff with friends without him. Nobody got upset. It's just about scheduling & planning.

 

So since your guy expressed concerns about feeling pressured to spend the whole weekend every weekend with you, work out how & when communications regarding weekend plans will happen.

 

I like notice. Most people are more spontaneous. Go with what works for you but do assure him that you won't freak because he wants to hang with the boys once in a while. If there's a balance: couple time, friends' time & group time it should all be fine.

 

Am i the only one who thinks its strange they live 15 mins away and they dont meet up in the weekday? Isnt it strange he said he wants to spend less time with her?

They have been together 6 months and live so close. Hmm i dunno if he is into her enough. Then again im skeptical cos of my ex. Only time will tell or his new relationship will show u if he really is an introvert.

I thought my ex was. It was bull****. Sje just jused it an excuse she wasnt into me thats all

[d0nnivain]

fred123

 

 

I thought I read that the guy worked hours away from home in the other direction from the OP. He got home late on the weekdays & was tired so it was hard for them to get together. Plus he has anxiety & is training for something.

 

 

The OP was OK with that when she got the bulk of the guy's weekends. Now he's pulling back from that.

 

 

There does have to be a balance for the relationship to flourish.

[knabe]

Previously, he was working away from home so weekends was the ONLY time we could see each other, however 4 weeks ago he started working local. We only live 15 minute drive from each other, however I still rarely see him again until Friday night. When he started working local, he told me that we could see each other a night or two during the week if I wanted

 

He lives close to her now.

 

OP, I am one of the only extroverts in a family of introverts, and several of my close friends are introverts. While they do need down time and going to large gatherings drains them....not ONE of them needs to "recover" from being with people they claim to love. In fact, I have found some of them a bit clingy BECAUSE there are so few people they connect with.

 

Something is up with this guy besides being introverted.

[preraph]

Glad you worked out dating where you both have more time to yourselves. Just realize that this is how he is and that how he is won't work to have kids with. He can't be counted on. He's not comfortable with obligation in relationships. So have a blast, but don't even consider having kids with him. He's not up to it.

[SwordofFlame]

As a natural introvert that's good at acting like an extrovert for limited periods of time, I don't think the problems you are having is related to him being an introvert. You say that the reason he doesn't see you more often is that he competitively trains for ski competitions and this isn't something you can spend quality time with him on. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it's not like he's just staying home doing nothing instead of spending that time with you. It's that you can't bond with him on any of his personal hobbies and interests. It seems he wants to spend more time on his hobbies and those hobbies can't realistically include you. I doubt you would have a problem if you two had the same hobbies.

[fred123]

As a natural introvert that's good at acting like an extrovert for limited periods of time, I don't think the problems you are having is related to him being an introvert. You say that the reason he doesn't see you more often is that he competitively trains for ski competitions and this isn't something you can spend quality time with him on. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it's not like he's just staying home doing nothing instead of spending that time with you. It's that you can't bond with him on any of his personal hobbies and interests. It seems he wants to spend more time on his hobbies and those hobbies can't realistically include you. I doubt you would have a problem if you two had the same hobbies.

 

Why cant he invite you to skiing with him? Ucan join him or watch?

[twentysix]

Really positive progress and position it sounds like you are both in now, overall.

 

I find it a real shame for people to have stated in an all to knowing way, that you are simply incompatible and you should dump him.

 

I think you perhaps had a tendency to over analyse, whereas he’s happy to go with the flow.

 

He’s shown he values you a lot, you a moving forwards with communication and effort.

 

Really good example I think. It’s a shame too many find it all too easy to be pessimistic about overcoming relationship challenges.

 

Thanks BryanSmiley I think you might be the only one that's read the "month later" update ;-) hehe

[twentysix]

Am i the only one who thinks its strange they live 15 mins away and they dont meet up in the weekday? Isnt it strange he said he wants to spend less time with her?

They have been together 6 months and live so close. Hmm i dunno if he is into her enough. Then again im skeptical cos of my ex. Only time will tell or his new relationship will show u if he really is an introvert.

I thought my ex was. It was bull****. Sje just jused it an excuse she wasnt into me thats all

 

I don't know why I haven't thought of this earlier, but I also suppose the reason we don't see each other mid-week is because he lives at home with his parents right now and although I live on my own, I have my Dad stay with me Tues-Thurs nights.

I suppose we could go out to dinner mid-week but it'd be pretty rushed and we wouldn't get to spend the night together or anything so we usually just wait for the weekend.

He does usually come and stay on a Monday night as I have the house to myself.

 

He's always pretty uncomfortable when we do go out for dinner, I'm sure being tired from work & with his personality, he'd prefer to have dinner at home together, which isn't an option for us Tues-Thurs.

 

I'd absolutely drive to him to go and get a burger or something mid-week, but I just don't think he'd be up for it.

[Els]

Thanks BryanSmiley I think you might be the only one that's read the "month later" update ;-) hehe

 

I did read it. It didn't really change my opinion - although to be fair I have never said that you absolutely need to leave, just that I don't think "introversion" explains everything that he does.

 

He's always pretty uncomfortable when we do go out for dinner, I'm sure being tired from work & with his personality, he'd prefer to have dinner at home together, which isn't an option for us Tues-Thurs.

Again, this is not introversion. My SO and I are both strongly introverted (I typically get about 90+% I on the MBTI scale), and neither of us have any issues going out for dinner together, barring obvious limitations like cost or time spent driving. If we did need to go out with a large group for dinner all the time, then yes, that would be draining - but if it's just the two of us, there is no discomfort.

 

This is all HIM. It's not "introversion". I'm not saying you should leave, but you need to decide if you are okay with all these personal traits, without using the "introversion" umbrella to sweep them under the carpet.

Edited September 8, 2017 by Elswyth