Why after 3 months i am still feeling hurt when i think about it ?

[toomanyquestions123]

Following my 3,4 months break-up i still find myself hurting & thinking about it.Although I am back into the dating market & i find myself going out a lot & travelling & enjoying my life by all means & sometimes i think that i got over a big part of it but i have those moments where i feel really hurt when I remember why we broke up & how he broke up with me. I still expect I wake up one day & find a message from him. I still find the way he left & the reasons very unfair. I feel i am so unlucky in love because from my perspective & till now i am pretty sure i didnt do any mistake to push my ex-fiance away. He made some fictional excuses & left. Mind you i am dating a lot & i am not sure how since i am not doing any effort but guys are hitting on me from everywhere. I am going on dates at least once per week & not from dating sites since this is not very familiar in my country. But i am cutting off guys immediately once i feel a red flag on the way. I just ignore them. I dont feel like i want to waste my time on wrong guys anymore. Is all what am i feeling still normal ?

[kazen]

It depends on your experience. Generally speaking if you're new to love, it takes longer to get over it. 3 months is super short. Many people take much longer, I'm speaking in terms of years. But the more experience you have dealing with breakups, you'll get over them much quicker. It takes time. What helps me to move on is to treat a breakup like the person I love has died. You wouldn't try to contact a dead person would you? You wouldn't fantasy about getting back with a dead person right? That's how you need to treat the situation. No contact. Just accept the relationship is done, give yourself plenty of time to heal, then get ready because you'll meet another person that will capture your heart again. Also focus on improving yourself and other aspects of your life. Having other things in your life that gives you joy will help you get through with this much easier. Take care!

[toomanyquestions123]

It depends on your experience. Generally speaking if you're new to love, it takes longer to get over it. 3 months is super short. Many people take much longer, I'm speaking in terms of years. But the more experience you have dealing with breakups, you'll get over them much quicker. It takes time. What helps me to move on is to treat a breakup like the person I love has died. You wouldn't try to contact a dead person would you? You wouldn't fantasy about getting back with a dead person right? That's how you need to treat the situation. No contact. Just accept the relationship is done, give yourself plenty of time to heal, then get ready because you'll meet another person that will capture your heart again. Also focus on improving yourself and other aspects of your life. Having other things in your life that gives you joy will help you get through with this much easier. Take care!

 

This is not my first heart-break, i have dealt with 2 before. But my last break-up was more serious since we were engaged & i am not sure why we broke up yet. My other heart-breaks were different, i was aware of the reason, it was either cheating or dating a sociopath. But Breaking up with an ex-fiance that you thought was really in love with you took me to another level of heartbreak.

[kazen]

But my last break-up was more serious since we were engaged & i am not sure why we broke up yet.

 

Maybe he want to date someone his own height? just kidding

 

Yea, the deeper the love the longer it will take to heal. You said 3 months ago, so you're dating the new guy this soon?

[toomanyquestions123]

Maybe he want to date someone his own height? just kidding

 

Yea, the deeper the love the longer it will take to heal. You said 3 months ago, so you're dating the new guy this soon?

 

Hahaha, I mean i think dating is one of those things you do as a part of your healing process no ? I dont mean to find a rebound but it helps you see that there are a lot better than your ex & you should stop weeping for him.This does not mean that i will stop thinking about my ex immediately since i really loved him & it was too serious but he hurt me big big time & i refuse to reject other guys because of this.

[fiskadoro]

Breakups are brutal when there is a strong bond built. I have dated women for months, called it off and had no regrets. The last woman i dated, I broke it off and two years later there is not a day that goes past that I don't think of her. I am a middle-aged man and I feel like it was my high school love, and we only dated for 8 months.

 

What helped me was dating someone new. It wasn't going to the gym, starting a new hobby, traveling, hooking up, none of those things. I carved a huge place in my life for her, and when we broke up that space needed to be permanently filled in. Everyone gets over their ex at their own pace, but really what you need is to fill that hole. Just my two centavos.

[JohnJaz30]

Following my 3,4 months break-up i still find myself hurting & thinking about it.Although I am back into the dating market & i find myself going out a lot & travelling & enjoying my life by all means & sometimes i think that i got over a big part of it but i have those moments where i feel really hurt when I remember why we broke up & how he broke up with me. I still expect I wake up one day & find a message from him. I still find the way he left & the reasons very unfair. I feel i am so unlucky in love because from my perspective & till now i am pretty sure i didnt do any mistake to push my ex-fiance away. He made some fictional excuses & left. Mind you i am dating a lot & i am not sure how since i am not doing any effort but guys are hitting on me from everywhere. I am going on dates at least once per week & not from dating sites since this is not very familiar in my country. But i am cutting off guys immediately once i feel a red flag on the way. I just ignore them. I dont feel like i want to waste my time on wrong guys anymore. Is all what am i feeling still normal ?

 

Healing takes time. Give yourself time and focus on things that you've always wanted to do but never had the time. I was in a 12 year relationship, engaged and about to be married. When we broke up, as she cheated on me, it took me 3 years to get over it completely. Sure, it was 3 hard years but after that, I was completely healed. So, give yourself time and treat yourself well. There's more to life than rushing into relationship. Good luck.

[toomanyquestions123]

Breakups are brutal when there is a strong bond built. I have dated women for months, called it off and had no regrets. The last woman i dated, I broke it off and two years later there is not a day that goes past that I don't think of her. I am a middle-aged man and I feel like it was my high school love, and we only dated for 8 months.

 

What helped me was dating someone new. It wasn't going to the gym, starting a new hobby, traveling, hooking up, none of those things. I carved a huge place in my life for her, and when we broke up that space needed to be permanently filled in. Everyone gets over their ex at their own pace, but really what you need is to fill that hole. Just my two centavos.

 

So you suggest i would date someone better than my ex fiance in order to fill that hole ?

[toomanyquestions123]

Healing takes time. Give yourself time and focus on things that you've always wanted to do but never had the time. I was in a 12 year relationship, engaged and about to be married. When we broke up, as she cheated on me, it took me 3 years to get over it completely. Sure, it was 3 hard years but after that, I was completely healed. So, give yourself time and treat yourself well. There's more to life than rushing into relationship. Good luck.

 

Thank you. Actually, every day it passes it feels better, i feel less pain. It is so weird but today i was saying to myself that i am proud of myself that i started getting over the break-up. The pain is less except when sometimes i find myself severely crying (thats when i write posts here lol ) but it is rare now. I really worked on myself in order not to lose myself after this breakup. I am so proud of myself and of my strength.

[fiskadoro]

"So you suggest i would date someone better than my ex fiance in order to fill that hole ?"

Well, I suggest you don't wall yourself off from the world, but do give yourself time to heel. Trying to date too soon just means you might make a bad choice

and dig the hole deeper. I mean, actively looking for someone "better than" your ex fiance is not productive.... what is productive is being open to the possibility that someone who interests you could lead someplace nice in due time. You gotta go through the steps though. That is the fun part of dating, the building attraction, sexual tension, that whole getting to know someone process... it's wonderful!

 

However! Ask yourself what you want in a relationship, and what you can do to make the next one better. Honest assessments are difficult, but they are very necessary after a breakup. Very.

[toomanyquestions123]

I am having those dreams from time to time where i am begging him to come back, dreams or more likely nightmares revolve about me calling him and crying and begging him to stay. I wake up from those nightmares grumpy and thinking why i am still dreaming about the break-up not like memories or smth sweet. Perhaps because i didnt have a proper closure ? I might be craving unconsciously for a closure ? since i did not have one. I still wonder till now why one day before he left was a perfect night and the second night we fought he took all of his stuff and left me. Am i still traumatized ? How can i get over not having a proper closure and the fear of abandonment:( ?

[fiskadoro]

It takes time. I woke up grouchy for many months. However, I unnecessarily wallowed in it by not taking steps to get out and socialize. I don't mean "date date date", I mean just being out in the world, filling your void with new friends, activities, etc.

 

You can forget about closure. That doesn't exist. All seeing or talking to that person again does is reopen the wound, very painfully so. In fact, your search for closure will likely just lead you to a new, fresh hell. Don't assume that you will be out of contact with him forever... be prepared for any eventuality. Be prepared for a breadcrumb, because if you jump on it thinking that it's an invitation to a new relationship, you might find that he dumps you again! People get dumped by the same person three or more times in a row. It's crazy, someone will break up with you, then you WON'T get back together but they will call you again to tell you some ish that benefits them, and re-frames the breakup to yet another advantageous angle for them.

 

The feelings of abandonment will not go away if you keep messing with him in any way, shape or fashion. It's like a tunnel, you have to go in one side and come out at the very other end. There are no side doors to cut down on the length of the journey through the tunnel.

 

Look up Plato's allegory of the cave. That story was helpful to me.

[toomanyquestions123]

It takes time. I woke up grouchy for many months. However, I unnecessarily wallowed in it by not taking steps to get out and socialize. I don't mean "date date date", I mean just being out in the world, filling your void with new friends, activities, etc.

 

You can forget about closure. That doesn't exist. All seeing or talking to that person again does is reopen the wound, very painfully so. In fact, your search for closure will likely just lead you to a new, fresh hell. Don't assume that you will be out of contact with him forever... be prepared for any eventuality. Be prepared for a breadcrumb, because if you jump on it thinking that it's an invitation to a new relationship, you might find that he dumps you again! People get dumped by the same person three or more times in a row. It's crazy, someone will break up with you, then you WON'T get back together but they will call you again to tell you some ish that benefits them, and re-frames the breakup to yet another advantageous angle for them.

 

The feelings of abandonment will not go away if you keep messing with him in any way, shape or fashion. It's like a tunnel, you have to go in one side and come out at the very other end. There are no side doors to cut down on the length of the journey through the tunnel.

 

Look up Plato's allegory of the cave. That story was helpful to me.

 

Thank your for continuous support. Actually we have been in NO CONTACT since 3 months, i feel like they are a year. I dont think he will ever talk to me unless after many years he wants forgiveness so he can start a new relationship so Karma wont get him in any way. I would never ever initiate contact with him & i never really begged him to stay with me. I just asked him to have a decent closure and meet one on one so maybe we can fix our problems. No pleading no humiliation. And I cut contact 2 weeks after the break-up. We were engaged though and there were stuff that needed to be returned from continent to another continent. It is just i feel that he left so suddenly, i didn't even see him while breaking up. Abandonment feeling will be shown in my next relationship i guess. Oh BTW i have an important date tomorrow. I hope that it will work out

[HiCrunchy]

It has been 1 year and it still hurts for me. I cried yesterday.

Not sure how to help but I'd like to say ur not alone

[fieldoflavender]

Well when someone hurts you, it's not pleasant. Even we have physical scars from previous injuries and on a rainy day, it still hurts. Relationships are no different. When times are tough, these emotional scars hurt us. But with time, we get stronger and heal.

 

At first, I wanted those things too. I resonate with you because it's been 3-4 months for me too from an engagement. But like sometimes the INACTION they do is more telling than anything. Mine couldn't even tell me what I should do with all his crap that he just deserted me in my apartment. The VERY least he could do after all the **** he did to me. But meh. I mean that's very telling isn't it?

 

Just think of how they hurt you when you wish they would come back to you - and then you realize they never will. Until they get hurt one day and realize the responsibility of their actions, but it likely will take longer than you will ever wait for.

 

I never have an issue with breaking up because of "incompatibility" but how someone breaks up is very telling of how they would handle difficult situations with you in the future. And you don't want a bailer in life. So trust me, you're better off.

[toomanyquestions123]

It has been 1 year and it still hurts for me. I cried yesterday.

Not sure how to help but I'd like to say ur not alone

 

Have you dated anyone during this year?

[toomanyquestions123]

Well when someone hurts you, it's not pleasant. Even we have physical scars from previous injuries and on a rainy day, it still hurts. Relationships are no different. When times are tough, these emotional scars hurt us. But with time, we get stronger and heal.

 

At first, I wanted those things too. I resonate with you because it's been 3-4 months for me too from an engagement. But like sometimes the INACTION they do is more telling than anything. Mine couldn't even tell me what I should do with all his crap that he just deserted me in my apartment. The VERY least he could do after all the **** he did to me. But meh. I mean that's very telling isn't it?

 

Just think of how they hurt you when you wish they would come back to you - and then you realize they never will. Until they get hurt one day and realize the responsibility of their actions, but it likely will take longer than you will ever wait for.

 

I never have an issue with breaking up because of "incompatibility" but how someone breaks up is very telling of how they would handle difficult situations with you in the future. And you don't want a bailer in life. So trust me, you're better off.

 

I do believe that the way a man breaks up with a girl tells a lot about his personality.

[HiCrunchy]

I broke up a year ago and it still hurts when I think about it too much.

I have nothing really to input here I am sorry but I want to tell you ur not alone

[toomanyquestions123]

And suddenly, i thought i was doing well, actually i am doing well but since the start of October & my ex-fiance is on my mind all the time. This was not the case before, maybe because i was suppressing my feelings while dating & i didn't give myself time to heal. I am not sad or anything but the weird thing happening is flashbacks of our relationship continuously coming. They are like movies, i can see them in details, when we laughed, where did we go out to, when we kissed, when he was the sweetest guy, im remembering everything !!! like everything in details. I can clearly see his face inside my mind. He is just right there. For the first time since the breakup, i googled him to see what is he up to. I dont know what is happening ? is this a symptom for PTSD? i suddenly cant stop thinking about him, not in a sad way, i just think about him and remember everything.

[HiCrunchy]

Have you dated anyone during this year?

 

No I haven't. I am not interested in anyone and I am not attracted to many men.

 

I would explain the details but I'll just link the thread here

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/633992-i-am-not-attracted-most-men-what-wrong-me

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/635523-1-year-later-i-still-miss-my-ex

[toomanyquestions123]

No I haven't. I am not interested in anyone and I am not attracted to many men.

 

I would explain the details but I'll just link the thread here

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/633992-i-am-not-attracted-most-men-what-wrong-me

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/635523-1-year-later-i-still-miss-my-ex

 

Yesterday, after posting here i checked his whatsapp after 5 months NC. He used to have 2 sim cards, his country local sim card & my country local sim card with 2 different mobiles. I expected when i went to his whatsapp that belongs my country sim card to see another picture of another person using it because the sim card is supposed to expire in August. I tried to call the number to ask them to remove the picture, it was on roaming mode which means it is still him using my country sim card, recharging it online from abroad and still using it. I felt that this is soooo weird & i have been thinking about the reason why to keep a sim card of another country that he would never ever come back to it again & why is our picture together is still on a whatsapp of a phone he obviously still using ! I AM SO LOST !