Good forum - useful for this man being divorced

[gbruceweaver]

Hello all,

My name is Bruce and my wife is divorcing me after 33 years of what I thought was blissful marriage. My story feels unique, but it probably isn't altogether so. We met at work, and had a friendship first, then a secret affair. We started dating on Valentines Day in 1984. We were married late that same year, feeling madly in love with each other.

 

Work, job changes, job losses etc. caused quite a few moves. We went from this town near Pittsburgh (her home town) to south Florida, to central Florida. When that job ended for me, she resigned from her job. I took a job on a trial basis in the San Francisco Bay area and she and our teenage daughter moved back up here to her home town. When we first left here in the mid 1980's, it was because her birth family was so dysfunctional that they were toxic to my wife, which naturally spread to me and would have to our toddler son, but we packed up and got the hell out of here.

 

So 10 years ago I left San Francisco and moved here to her home town. 32 days ago she locked me out of the house, having found evidence of inappropriate online surfing, for which I am ashamed, and for which I have apologized profusely. It had become an addiction, so I immediately found an addiction therapist and joined a 12 step program and am in recovery.

 

In our past..... she had a rough bout with breast cancer in 2002 and I was her only caregiver. Several surgeries, chemo, radiation... I attended every single one. At home, I cared for her, fed her, helped her bathe and cleaned our the drainage tube coming from under her arm. I alone cared for our two children at the same time. No one else stepped up to help, not either of her two sisters who lived 20 minutes away. She was in bed for most of a year and then she got better. She has been a recovering alcoholic for 26 years now, so she knows all about addiction. When she was in the early part of that, there were many nights she did not come home at all, was who knows where with who knows who. I alone cared for our toddler son in every conceivable way. She joined AA and I stuck by her, each time she slipped again.

 

Her still toxic birth family continued to torture each other, and most often picked on my wife. They caused her many many tears and I alone was the shoulder she cried on. I carried her through those very difficult times when she had no one else to talk to about it.

 

Last summer she was diagnosed with squamous cell cancer of the tongue. Surgery again, cadaver skin grafted onto the part of her tongue that had been cut out. She would let no one see or visit her, only me again as her only caregiver. Even our now adult daughter was not allowed to visit for a week.

 

So 32 days ago when she discovered my online acting out, that was it. No going back. No talking about it. She was going to divorce me and wanted to be single again. No one, our grown kids, friends, family alike can reconcile to her, a recovering addict herself, cannot offer an ounce of support in return. Our two grown kids have a major resentment against her, which is not good. I too don't get it..... I was there each time she got drunk again, I stood by her through disease and everything, just like I promised to in our vows.

 

So it's been the worst month of my life. I've never felt such a rush of emotion before. I now know what the saying means "had to catch my breath". I now know what it's like to get almost no sleep at night. I'm hoping that I can phase into being angry instead of just so crestfallen and sorrowful. She can see that I'm getting help, she watched me carry her through every challenge she ever faced, yet she will not entertain even the idea of counselling. Her best friend is also getting a divorce, and moved into my house the day after I was locked out. That woman has completely replaced me as the person my wife confides in, watches TV with, everything I used to do.

 

I feel so cheated, and still so emotional. I finally asked her in a conversation weeks ago when she really fell out of love with me. She said the moment she found the web surfing I'd done. I just don't believe anyone can turn real love off in one instant. I feel so cheated and her explanation of when she fell out of love has left me stuck in that moment.

[GorillaTheater]

My sympathies, Bruce. I've been married about the same length of time as you and can only imagine how turned-upside-down your life must feel.

 

 

It's going to come up, so we might as well get this part out of the way: were you merely looking at porn, or was it something a little more interactive? If it was viewing porn, what kind of porn was it (in other words, mainstream or "weird"?)

[gbruceweaver]

Porn of couples in various sexual encounters. NO minors at all..... Not anything I'm remotely interested in. What I did not state in my original post is that about 2 years ago, due to the cancer and chemo and those physical hardships, she found that we could no longer have coitus. We even sought and she received the "Mona Lisa Touch" laser treatment, without success. Not her fault, but that's about when my occasional porn surfing turned into taking up a majority of my free time.

 

Thanks for writing and yes, my whole world has turned upside down. I know what I was doing was wrong, but I still feel like I should get one of the many chances I gave her for her addiction.

[GorillaTheater]

If it was mainstream porn, and not interactive at all, and we're not dealing with a situation where you were depriving her of your sexual energy (for lack of a better way to put it), a person might speculate that your wife had been wanting out for a while and seized upon the porn as an excuse to bail.

 

 

If that's the case, she's gone, brother.

[gbruceweaver]

I agree that this was the catalyst she had sought for awhile, but I was not depriving her of my sexual energy, she was physically unable to have traditional sex, even after medical treatment and all the lube I could find. It really hurt her to the point where I stopped trying because she was in so much pain. We did other things for the last two years so it wasn't a total lack of sexual intimacy.

[Steen719]

I think I have to agree with you that her reaction is unreasonable. I did not like my xh viewing porn, but more because it was changing his expectations and tended to view what was on screen was how most people interacted. I also (and honestly, I don't want this to be part of the discussion and detract from your discussion) have some problems with the porn and sex industry. Anywayyyyy....her reaction seems to be an excuse to end the relationship. Of course, I wouldn't know why or if that has been brewing, but it does not seem reasonable that a person would leave a 33 year marriage for that.

 

She has been though a lot and maybe she is reacting to that, but I don't think that helps you right now.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. My xh cheated after I took care of him while he was very ill, almost died and then had a transplant. It felt like he stabbed me in the back, so I know that feeling.

 

I thought I would never feel OK again, but I do, but life has changed and I just had to come to the realization that was OK, too. It took quite a while.

 

Try to take care of yourself. Get sleep - take otc sleep aids and eat well. Exercise really helped me. I walked and walked my dogs. Best to you.

[GorillaTheater]

Right, I got that you couldn't have regular intercourse, I probably worded my last post badly. The point I was trying to make is that it's not necessarily about whether she should forgive you for the porn or not, because it could very well be that this isn't about porn at all.

 

 

So unless you're aware of what other beefs she might have with you, it's possible that isn't about you at all but maybe her own feelings of mortality (having had a brush or two with death) and wanting to make a radical change in her life. It could be that you'll never find out what her deal really is.

 

 

I know that's not a hopeful message, and I'm sorry for that, particularly at a time when maybe all you want is hope, but your best bet would be to take care of yourself and heal. Give her all the space she could ever want and more. Exercise, go easy on the booze, and all of the rest of it.

 

 

If you've been looking around here or other forums, you've probably stuff on the "180". If you haven't, I can find a link to it. Valuable stuff, even if at the moment it may seem a little counterintuitive.

[gbruceweaver]

For what it's worth, I agree with you about the porn industry. My weakness is my fault, but the internet makes it so damn easy.... you can find it in mere seconds on a computer or your phone. And every internet browser, Explorer, Chrome, Firefox etc.... all have some form of opening an incognito page so that no one can see where you've been, if you're better at covering your tracks than I was toward the end.

 

So I concur with both replies; than you all. In looking back, I think the real passion kind of love ended her love for me around ten years ago. It really started when we moved back to her home town, where her extended family tortures her still and her siblings, aunts and cousins do not speak to my wife and say awful things about her to each other. Saw one sister in a restaurant and she actually gave my wife a hug, then whispered (I know you're lying... you never had tongue cancer). What a horrible thing to say. When you have a serious illness, you expect the support of family, not one spreading a rumor that you never had the disease.

 

So that's the kind of dysfunction we moved back into and I believe that cooled her heart and has done more damage to her which overlapped into our love.

 

But bottom line is, I was wrong to use online inappropriately. And I need to accept that her love ended for me long ago regardless of what she claims.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Bruce, this is incredibly sad.

 

Without trying to come off as too insensitive, have you seen behavioral/mental/emotional changes in your wife because of the chemo? Could some of her extreme reaction here be due to a lack of judgment from "chemo brain?" (I've never had chemo, but I've seen this in several women I know who have....they just completely change mentally....usually becoming more aggressive/chaotic/outspoken).

[gbruceweaver]

She's said several times that she has chemo brain. I have noticed fundamental changes in the last ten years. Friends have too, both our grown children do too. I knew she was not completely stable (her late mother had several complete mental breakdowns) for some time. Yes cancer changed her mentally as well as physically. But I think her whole birth family has some underlying mental problems. I am seeing a therapist, trying to sort everything out and deal with my deep depression. He believes that my wife, like the rest of her family, has dissasociative disorder since they cut people off with such ease. My wife has done that with so many of her friends and the majority of her extended family over the years. Just burns another bridge. My therapist said that I had deluded myself into believing that I was exempt from being cast aside. I fear he is right. This would have happened at some point regardless of what I did or didn't do. And she is not suffering in the slightest.... she is as elated as each previous time she's cut someone out, convincing herself that they were all bad and she was the victim.

Edited August 8, 2017 by gbruceweaver

[elaine567]

Her addiction did not really threaten you nor her love for you, her illnesses were not her fault and did not threaten you or make you question her love for you.

She I guess sees porn and your inappropriate internet behaviour as cheating and that does actually threaten her and make her question your love for her. It also made her see you in an entirely different light.

 

I know you want to believe that your behaviour is not responsible for the demise of your marriage but yes, misdemeanours by one spouse can kill love stone dead in an instant.

It is very possible that her love died the moment she found out you were spending all your free time lusting after other "hot" women on the internet.

YOU may see the porn as an "addiction", but I doubt that is the viewpoint she is seeing it from.

YOU were no longer the man she thought you were and that massive altering of perceptions in a negative way is not often conducive to love continuing.

YOU messed up big time and taking the stance of "Look how much I did for you", I guess is not going to cut it as far as she is concerned.

 

Some people have a great capacity to forgive and forget, others just don't even try to go there, they immediately cut people off.

Knowing how your wife tends to react, did it never cross your mind that if your wife ever found out about your "surfing", that your marriage would be over?

[anika99]

You say that due to medical problems your wife is unable to engage in intercourse. I'm wondering if that hasn't left her feeling insecure and vulnerable. Perhaps afraid that at some point you would want intercourse and look to another woman to get it. Maybe she never discussed those fears with you but they have been there all along eating away at her. Then she discovers the porn and she thinks the writing is on the wall. That you are one step closer to cheating on her and possibly leaving her for another woman. Instead of just fearfully and anxiously waiting for that day to come she decides it's just better to pull the plug now so that she can get on with enjoying her life without worry over your faithfulness.

[gbruceweaver]

That last post is a reasonable theory too. Thanks

[gbruceweaver]

After meeting with my lawyer Wednesday and reviewing everything, I called my wife and asked her a question a second time, would she attend therapy with me. She agreed and we met with someone last night. Aired many of her griefs which is good so that I can work toward facing those and doing something about me. I am for today, cautiously optimistic.

[amaysngrace]

She probably has a lot of insecurities. Did she have a mastectomy?

 

Also if she gets particularly nasty it could just be the cancer talking. I know it's not an excuse but it has to be miserable to know your own body is your enemy.

 

I'm glad you're going to counseling though. That's encouraging! And as hard as it may be, try not to take how she is feeling personally.