Questions about asexuality

[wmacbride]

This is question that covers both relationships and parenting, so I hope it's okay that I posted it here.

 

y oldest daughter has just identified as being "asexual" which I take to mean that while she is female and identifies as one, she isn't interested in sex or romantic relationships.

 

 

She has asperger's, and has also had issues with depression and has alexthymia ( an inability to express her emotions through words). She's 19, and in college with plans to go on to law school to practice copyright law, as she is a published author( she's an awesome word smith, and has developed quite a following in the UK) and has seen many others in her position be taken advantage of, and wants to make a difference. She's analytical, excels at research, and has a near eidedic memory.

 

I want to support her in being "asexual", but I am not sure how. I'm hoping someone on here who also considers themselves asexual can give me some insight into how she might be thinking/feeling. I know you can't say specifically, but even generalities will help. She doesn't seem unhappy, and in fact, she has really blossomed this past year.

 

does anyone have any advice? I want to be here for her if she needs me, and I was wondering if anyone has suggestions about how to do that. She's an awesome kid-at 19, and adult, I guess-who has overcome so much in her life and I am so proud of her.

 

[]

Edited August 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Reviewed for placement and content.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

This doesn't describe me, but I do know someone who is asexual. He's a man around age 55.

 

I can only answer as a parent, and as a friend to the person I mentioned above, and I think it would just be to supportive and accepting--and of course you will be. Try to steer well-meaning friends relatives away from questions, and especially teasing, about marriage, having babies, etc. I'm sure that will get old quickly with her! Be her advocate behind the scenes.

Edited August 8, 2017 by CautiouslyOptimistic

[wmacbride]

This doesn't describe me, but I do know someone who is asexual. He's a man around age 55.

 

I can only answer as a parent, and as a friend to the person I mentioned above, and I think it would just be to supportive and accepting--and of course you will be. Try to steer well-meaning friends relatives away from questions, and especially teasing, about marriage, having babies, etc. I'm sure that will get old quickly with her! Be her advocate behind the scenes.

 

Thanks for the reply. It's not something I hear about very often but if sexuality is a continuum, I guess she woudl be at the far end.

 

It does bug her when people ask her if she has a boyfriend/girlfriend, and has even been told that someone who is asexual needs therapy. I'm not sure why, as she is happy, productive and a kind person.

Isn't that what's important?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thanks for the reply. It's not something I hear about very often but if sexuality is a continuum, I guess she woudl be at the far end.

 

It does bug her when people ask her if she has a boyfriend/girlfriend, and has even been told that someone who is asexual needs therapy. I'm not sure why, as she is happy, productive and a kind person.

Isn't that what's important?

 

YES! Because she isn't preoccupied with her love life she'll probably be MORE productive than many!

[somanymistakes]

Mostly just tell her she's fine as she is and you love her. And then, of course, don't pressure her to get into a relationship, and try to stop other people from doing that to her.

 

Some people consider themselves asexual but not aromantic, so they do still get into kind-of romantic relationship (just with no or little sex). So don't be boggled if someday she turns up with a partner anyway, or at least a best friend. But, you know, maybe not. It'll be up to her of course.

[Nowty V]

I found this website and wondered if you had seen it

 

The Asexual Visibility and Education Network | asexuality.org

[GorillaTheater]

Now I'm wondering to what extent this may be an Aspie thing. My 16-year-old son is an Aspie, and recently announced that he too was asexual.

 

 

I'm not sure how we offer support, unless something specific is brought up. So far, my support has consisted of acceptance. I'm curious whether he changes his mind in the future, but in any event it's his path to walk.

[GunslingerRoland]

I think you need to find out what it means to her. I don't know much about the subject but I think some asexual people have romantic but non sexual relationships, whereas some don't have romantic relationships at all.

[littleblackheart]

The 'asexuality' was one of the things I was asked about when I got diagnosed with Asperger's. I was told it's a very common trait in girls/women Aspies. I've only had one relationship I'd qualify as a LTR, and that was my marriage, I lost my Vcard to a one night stand I met at a bar (gorgeous guy, no regrets) at the age of 24 (also an Aspie trait) but to me it's not a need (I'm 42 now).

 

We're all different but in my youth, the only thing that bothered me were the constant questions about my relationship status, just like your daughter. I had no interest in guys in my teenage years (too busy being top of my class!) and I never picked up on interests from guys, which led to many an embarrassing moment (was invited to what I thought was coffee and a chat with my neighbour in my student days and when I turned up, he'd prepared this romantic meal with a single rose on the table - I have many other cringy stories of that type).

 

 

I've been single for years and I definitely see it as a choice (a few opportunities, but no real interet on my part) - I like it that way. I have great friends and gorgeous kids and that's good enough for me.

 

The only thing I'd have liked to have known earlier is to read men's intentions, as it can (and has for me) put you in some vulnerable situations. I'm almost an expert at it now, a good 25 years later. Aspies are normally quite genuine people so when they decide to commit, they generally genuinely mean it but they also have a tendency to give 'the benefit of the doubt' a bit too readily so if your daughter does get into a relationship, keep an eye on her partner. That's what my family did for me with my ex husband (a bad egg) and I'll be eternally grateful to them for that.

 

Other than that, if she is secure and happy, she'll be fine .

Edited August 10, 2017 by littleblackheart

[cocorico]

I lost my Vcard to a one night stand I met at a bar (gorgeous guy, no regrets) at the age of 24 (also an Aspie trait)

 

Further to this - she's only 19. She may not yet have had exposure to sufficient sexual possibilities to rule conclusively on her sexuality. She may, for example, be aromantic rather than asexual - especially if she's alexithymic, which complicates the whole dating / relationship scene - and may discover through masturbation or with a partner that she quite enjoys the sensations of sex, even if she has no need or desire for a relationship. (Think Saga Noren...) I know several aspie women who don't do the relationship thing, but have fine tuned sexualities (from self-sex to pan-sexuality and everything in between). There are so many possibilities, and whatever she settles on is fine, as long as she's happy and others respect her choices.

 

I agree that the probing of well-meaning (and not so well-meaning) family and friends about relationships is deeply oppressive, and can lead (as it did to me) to someone rushing into an ill-advised relationship simply to stop that. The whole "women aren't real unless they have a partner attached" is so offensive, anyway, that I would imagine you'd be sticking up for her on principle.

 

The only other support I would suggest is exposure to role models who embrace a range of sexuality and sexual identity on their own terms as aspies - and Nordic Noir is great for this. The original Swedish films (and, of course, the books) of The Millennium Trilogy (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, etc), the original Danish / Swedish series of The Bridge, and the original Danish series of The Killing all have strong female Aspie leads, well depicted and offering a range of sexuality and sexual identity possibilities. They're great series / films anyway, so worth watching again and again if you've already seen them (the US / UK / French remakes don't count - they're pathetic by comparison!)

[mon.]

She's young and and she will change. Perhaps not on this matter, but maybe yes.

 

Anyway, it's not something to be ashamed of (asexuality), so as a parent you should help her to see that and to show her she is loved by you either way. You could also help her in the sense of letting her know people will question, so you both can come up with clever ways for her to come across curiosity from people. As when you train with your kids on how they're going to respond when they're asked about... (several topics)

 

Also, and sorry if I'm saying something stupid, but picking on someone else's comment, if having Aspergers means being a little more naive socially (as to not pick on "social signs", for example), help her to protect herself against sexual predators. She's still young, it's an important and powerful skill to build.

 

 

All the best!!!

[cocorico]

everyday feminism also has some useful resources on this.

[wmacbride]

thanks for all the advice/input.

 

we spent a nice morning together running errands, and she certainty attracts a lot of male attention, which she doesn't want. She was always polite, but if they didn't leave her alone, she has a look she gives them that can be absolutely withering.

 

She's really leery of relationships in genera;, even friendships, as she has been really hurt in the past by people who she thought were fiends but ended up hurting her. She's still sorting her way through what it means to have asperger's, and I think she's doing well. Some things are still really hard for her, but she is learning that it also has some real benefits.

[wmacbride]

She's young and and she will change. Perhaps not on this matter, but maybe yes.

 

Anyway, it's not something to be ashamed of (asexuality), so as a parent you should help her to see that and to show her she is loved by you either way. You could also help her in the sense of letting her know people will question, so you both can come up with clever ways for her to come across curiosity from people. As when you train with your kids on how they're going to respond when they're asked about... (several topics)

 

Also, and sorry if I'm saying something stupid, but picking on someone else's comment, if having Aspergers means being a little more naive socially (as to not pick on "social signs", for example), help her to protect herself against sexual predators. She's still young, it's an important and powerful skill to build.

 

 

All the best!!!

 

 

This is a good point. She is really naive about some things.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

thanks for all the advice/input.

 

we spent a nice morning together running errands, and she certainty attracts a lot of male attention, which she doesn't want. She was always polite, but if they didn't leave her alone, she has a look she gives them that can be absolutely withering.

She's really leery of relationships in genera;, even friendships, as she has been really hurt in the past by people who she thought were fiends but ended up hurting her. She's still sorting her way through what it means to have asperger's, and I think she's doing well. Some things are still really hard for her, but she is learning that it also has some real benefits.

 

Good for her!!

[Els]

At 19 it's really difficult to say for sure whether she truly is asexual or not. It's possible - likely, even - that she just doesn't have enough knowledge of the vast spectrum of sexuality to understand what she likes. Fun fact: When I was 17, only 2 years younger than her, I thought I was asexual. Just because the activities that society typically associates with "sex" held no interest for me. I did have sexual desires (very strong ones, in fact!), I just didn't realize that those desires were sexual because they didn't fit the typical mold.

 

Regardless of whether that is true for her or not, I don't think you need to say or do anything differently, really. Just let her know you're totally fine with whatever she identifies herself with, and that you're here for her if she needs you.

[littleblackheart]

Some things are still really hard for her, but she is learning that it also has some real benefits.

 

The benefits far outweigh the other stuff, in my experience anyway.

 

You don't judge a book by its cover

the connections you make with those around you are sincere and based on loyalty (I have a bond with my kids that no-one will ever break)

you can get thinking stuff done in half the time

you don't get bogged down by superficial stuff

you are a particularly good listener and you can give objective advice without emotions clouding your judgement

you live emotions intensely (on the inside...)

you can learn coping mechanisms with stuff you struggle with

with time you can recognise the triggers for a meltdown or freak-out when it happens and you can educate the people around you about why it's happening

generally speaking the people who take the time to really get to know you once you let your guard down are generally open-minded, curious and kind

 

and the list goes on...

 

My boy is also an Aspie and I already know he'll be fine.

[wmacbride]

The benefits far outweigh the other stuff, in my experience anyway.

 

You don't judge a book by its cover

the connections you make with those around you are sincere and based on loyalty (I have a bond with my kids that no-one will ever break)

you can get thinking stuff done in half the time

you don't get bogged down by superficial stuff

you are a particularly good listener and you can give objective advice without emotions clouding your judgement

you live emotions intensely (on the inside...)

you can learn coping mechanisms with stuff you struggle with

with time you can recognise the triggers for a meltdown or freak-out when it happens and you can educate the people around you about why it's happening

generally speaking the people who take the time to really get to know you once you let your guard down are generally open-minded, curious and kind

 

and the list goes on...

 

My boy is also an Aspie and I already know he'll be fine.

 

I'm not sure if it's part of her aspergers or not, but she's a very private person who wants to get ahead in life without having to ask for any help. That's great, and that independence will be good for her.

 

I think part of her statement abut being asexual may be related to that independence and need to have her own physical and mental space. This makes her personal boundaries very extensive and rigid.

[littleblackheart]

I'm not sure if it's part of her aspergers or not, but she's a very private person who wants to get ahead in life without having to ask for any help. That's great, and that independence will be good for her.

 

I think part of her statement abut being asexual may be related to that independence and need to have her own physical and mental space. This makes her personal boundaries very extensive and rigid.

 

All the things I have read and the specialists I have talked to point to the fact that independence and privacy (for high functioning Aspergians) are almost essential to who they are. For me, I need to be independent as much as I need to breathe - I function better when I have control over my personal and physical space but I have to mitigate that with being a mother (the absolute best learning curve for an Aspergian, in my opinion) and wanting to do well at work.

 

She's still young and she's obviously lucky to have a very supportive, understanding family unit (as do I) so for now, her need for independence and her own space isn't coming at a cost; there will come a point when she will need to learn to ask for help, though. I had to do it the hard way, and it's still bugging me now but as you mature there needs to be an acceptance that you don't live on your own and that your need for independence can affect others. Life will probably teach her to mellow her rigidity.

 

As for the asexuality, yes maybe it's your daughter's way of gate-keeping her personal and physical space - that's how I would describe it for me too, and also the fact that getting into a relationship is not a priority for me. I have also found it to be the least bothersome Aspergian trait I have inherited because it's the one I have the most control over.

Edited August 15, 2017 by littleblackheart

[wmacbride]

fwiw, I was watching a show with my husband last night, and one of the characters "came out" as being asexual.

 

It was done in a way that was sensitive and also informative. While a lot of the show can be quite crude, I was surprised and pleased to see how they addressed the topic.

 

( btw...for all the "Breaking Bad" fans out there, the character is voiced by the same actor who was "Jessie" on that show)