Am I being selfish? Issues that are affecting our future

[RosieDunne]

Me and my boyfriend have been together about 3 years now (I think, I've lost track) it's a really good relationship, the best I've ever had and I love him to pieces, but I do have 2 major issues that I'm constantly battling with myself. I don't know if I'm out of order having these issues or if it is something that's ok for me to be upset about. Looking back on my previous posts on here from the beginning of the relatioship I can actually see he's improved a lot, things used to be a lot worse so maybe I am being selfish.

 

Basically, I moved in with my boyfriend in March, and he lives in a house with his identical twin. I'd actually forgotten how bad things used to be reading my old posts, the four of us (his twin's gf as well) always used to hang out together and it drove me nuts as I just wanted to be with my boyfriend after a while. It's not like that anymore, me and my boyfriend do spend most of our time just us two now, which I remember everyone said wouldn't happen, so I can see he's capable of change. But about two times every week after I get home from work he'll be like "I'm chilling with my brother now" and I guess it's a combination of the unfortunate timing generally after I've got in from work and have been looking forward to seeing him and my own selfish issues with being alone ha (as I write this I can tell I am being selfish) but it's not so much that he's always going through (and I've moved to a different place entirely to live with him so none of my friends or family are here so I can't even have a friend over myself), but I worry are we ever going to be capable of having a proper adult relationship where just the 2 of us live together in our own place?? Most of my friends do this already and don't have a day apart, let alone at least 2 every week (and he works nights on the weekend so I don't see him then either, so when you add it up I actually only really see him 3 days a week). I've mentioned to him about getting our own place in the future and he is for it, but when I say maybe in like a year or 2, he says how that's really close. But I'm 23, in 2 years I'll be 25 and to not even be near getting a house together yet? That scares me. I've been saving all my life, I can afford to get a house now, and I'm ready to, but he's not there yet, and I do feel a void in between our maturity sometimes. I think I'm ready for being an adult and he wants to stay young. (We're the same age)

 

But this bring me to my second issue. He smokes weed all the time and won't stop. Which also means he has no savings whatsoever. I knew he smoked from the beginning so am I being selfish? It's not just that I hate it (and I didn't used to, that has grown over time the more he does it) but it's also that I fear for his health a lot. He smokes shotties rather than spliffs which means an incredibly unhealthy intake of tobacco and he has it morning, evening, night, even if he wakes up in the middle of the night he has some. It drives me nuts, but whenever I try to talk to him about it he says he likes it and doesn't want to stop and that I should understand that.

 

It's hard because I really do love him with all my heart and I've had such awful relationships in the past this one means so much to me, but not just because of that, but because I love him to pieces, he's my favourite person in the world. But these issues make me realise more we're quite different people. What do I do? I don't want to leave him, I want to be with him but I can't just have these issues forever. He's said he will change in the future it's just while we're young, but I don't consider us to be that young. But then again, he has shown me in the past he can change, a lot. Our life is drastically better than when all four of us just used to hang out all the time while they smoked and I didn't feel appreciated. It's not like that anymore, I do feel incredibly appreciated and the weed doesn't actually affect him as a person as it does to most people, so I don't feel like he's not there or anything, we have a great time together, it just bothers me. I love him but I hate these situations but I'm being selfish if this has been his way of life his whole life - especially spending time with his twin.

 

Thanks for reading, I'm sorry this is so long, I'm desperate for advice! :/

[d0nnivain]

I'm not optimistic about this at all. There are substance abuse issues here -- whether weed or booze or something else, that substance takes up a lot of his time, energy & money.

 

As for him spending time with his twin don't get in the middle of that. They shared a womb. It's a bond you don't understand & can't break. He will almost always chose the twin over you. (I mean if the twin was hurting you or something, I would expect he'd chose you). But if you set up a me or him dynamic he will pick his brother. Your expectation that you & your BF will spend all your free time together is unrealistic & unhealthy.

[RosieDunne]

Yeah, that's what I've said to him too about the substance abuse, I mean imagine if that was me and I was drinking alcohol every morning, evening, before bed, in the middle of the night, when I wake up, that would be considered a serious problem/addiction! So why is him doing the same with weed not a problem? :/ But as I say, what can I do? It's not as easy as just leave him because we really do love each other and I don't want to leave him, but it frustrates me to no end.

 

And I do know I need to be more understanding about him being a twin and I do try, but it's a hard situation to understand when you don't have a relationship like that. Me and my sister are very close but we hardly ever see each other, so them having to see each other all the time, and going through to show each other videos and things every day and constantly texting and having to spend a night together at least 2 times a week just seems insane to me! I just wonder, will they ever be able to separate and us live as a normal couple? Will they always have to live together, will we have to be next door neighbours and get married together haha? I mean where and when does it end?

 

Thanks for reading and being understanding, I just really don't know what to do anymore there doesn't seem to be a solution, he doesn't change and I don't want to leave.

[BaileyB]

Unfortunately, I have to agree that I'm not optimistic about this. For me, it wouldn't matter how much I loved this guy. I don't date people with substance abuse issues and/or have financial problems. Just not going to do it...

 

As they say, "men marry women hoping that they will never change, women marry men hoping that they will." It's not a good idea to stay in a relationship with a man hoping he will change. Particularly, when you are talking about something as significant as substance abuse.

[RosieDunne]

But does anyone have any suggests other than leaving him? I've said it's not as easy as that, you can't just fall out of love someone because they're addicted to something, in fact all the more reason to stay and try and help, right? I love him, I don't know what to do. I've considered maybe moving out and getting my own place for a while and go back to visiting him long distance but a) I would be miserable and b) I want us to work together. Moving would only feel like a step backwards :/ But maybe if I make him miss me he'll start to appreciate how serious I'm feeling...?

[sandylee1]

The weed and alcohol weren't an issue for you before... Why is that?

 

I think you and he are at different stages in life despite being the save age.

 

I just don't think you'll have the nature adult relationship you want with him. He's not ready for the next step and frankly I wouldn't want the next step with him, because he's not good with money and it will all fall on you.

 

Just because you love someone, doesn't mean they're the right one for you.

[RosieDunne]

Just to clarify, it's just weed not alcohol! I was just giving that as an example of something that would immediately be considered bad if you had it all the time! But yeah, I'm inclined to agree with you somewhat... but I do think things will change in the future it's just now... but the fact of the matter is I am in love with him, so what would you do in that situation? Leave anyway? I really can't

[BaileyB]

But does anyone have any suggests other than leaving him? I've said it's not as easy as that, you can't just fall out of love someone because they're addicted to something, in fact all the more reason to stay and try and help, right?

 

I'm sorry, we are not giving the advice that you want to hear. But, the reality is that I may not fall out of love with someone who used weed on a regular basis. But, I would not stay in a relationship that is unhealthy for me. Substance abuse, smoking weed, often has a pervasive effect on life and relationships. It can affect finances, motivation to work and be productive in the world, and a persons ability to invest in building a healthy relationship and have children. None of that would be ok with me.

 

And, the fact that someone is addicted to something isn't more reason to stay and try to help. First, he is responsible for his own behavior and his life. NOTHING you can do will cause him to stop smoking week and make the changes he needs to make in his life (except maybe leaving him - if he wishes up and realizes that you are serious about not dating an addict).

 

Staying to try to help someone with an addiction is codependent and unhealthy behavior at its best... you will learn this, if you decide to stay.

[elaine567]

It's hard because I really do love him with all my heart and I've had such awful relationships in the past this one means so much to me,

~

 

In truth this one is not much better is it?

You have a guy who is addicted to weed and who is wasting all his money on it and has no savings.

He spends "nights" x2 per week with his twin brother.

Do you mean he vacates your bed to go chill out?

What is he actually doing with the brother?

And why are you not allowed to "chill" with the brother too?

 

DO NOT get into any financial transactions with him, do NOT put him on the deeds if you do buy house.

 

He is not nearly ready for any commitment and as a long term prospect he is a nightmare and you actually know that if you were to be honest with yourself...

[BaileyB]

Assuming that he continues with this weed habit, can you see yourself marrying and having children with this man? Would you be ok raising children in a home with a father who smokes weed on a daily basis?