My heart keeps coming back to my LD love, but..

[SingleDad82]

So, I met a girl about a year ago from my hometown about 2 hours away and we had an instant connection. I am a divorced dad of 2 going on 3 years and she is a single mom of 3 as well. We fell in love and our personalities match flawlessly. I've never felt more comfortable and loved and accepted for just being me in my entire life. It was amazing!

 

So where is the rub?

 

To keep this post from being a book I'll scale back to only the details that affected my ability to continue the relationship and my current problem.

 

The issues:

I said that she had 3 kids right? When I started thinking about whether or not I could see myself marrying her, and believe me I was close, The fact the we would have a combined 5 kids together scared the hell out of me. Let's add another dynamic.. They are mixed kids. Before I get blasted for bigotry, let me explain. I am not a racist by any means. I love her kids and I think all 3 of them are absolutely beautiful, but the stressor in the relationship was the rude comments and looks we would get being out and about living in the south. It was sad, unfortunate and disappointing. I found that causing me to resent her a little for letting the same d-bag guy get her pregnant 3 times while cheating on her the whole time before she got smart.. It sucks to say, and to read, but it's honest.

 

Next, the distance. It is so hard not having the girl you love so close to you to meet for lunch, share a cup of coffee, call over after a rough day, or cook dinner for. She at one point mentioned moving to my city. Which was bittersweet to hear. First, joy because I'd would finally have the woman I love every day if I wanted it. I was overwhelmed with joy. Second, anxiety. I didn't want the responsibility of their happiness in a new city where they had no support outside of me. No family, no friends. If they all hated it here, I would feel guilty that it was because of me. It was extremely hard to cope with.

 

Being a single dad, I am reluctant to let any woman meet my kids until I feel that its time to see how she or her kids fit into my world with them. It was amazing, they all got along great.. but again, it terrified me at the thought of having 5 children with us BOTH on average incomes. Would I be cheating my kids out of a higher quality of life because of this? How would we live in a house big enough, or travel in a car big enough? All these things just bounced around in my skull. Until one day, I made the decision that the factors were too much. I broke it off.

 

I've thought about her, literally, every.single.day from that day. I've dated other women..Some really great women, but I shy away at the thought of something serious with them because my heart loves her. I'm conflicted. Is it a sign that I'm meant to be with her? Or is my heart holding onto a person that would have just been perfect for me had the situation been different? I need help.. the thought of her with anyone but me makes me ill.

[Chilli]

First up , l can't understand how you met her only a year ago, fell in love , split up and you put yourself through dating again already.

Did it help ,how did you date when you were in love with the gf ?

 

In the rest though, yeah ,l think you've got very real concerns, especially with the kids. l wouldn't be taking on a women with 3 kids especially mixed. And yeah l'd also feel a bit , l dunno what the right term would be but pretty well the way you meant it l think about her putting herself in that position.

l know people get divorced but l dunno , you don't just go on having more kids in a bad marriage.

But as for 3 , l've only got one daughter myself and l;d prefer she had none or only one max for a lot of reasons .

 

Anyway , l think what stands out the most is you seem very very uncomfortable about the whole thing, not usually a good sign.

Good luck with it all though in whatever you decide.

Edited August 9, 2017 by Chilli

[guy45]

To me it sounds like you really want to be with her. If it's a problem living in the South why don't the both of you just move somewhere else? Surely you can find other jobs.

 

No relationship is perfect, and if you both truly like each other why not work together towards what you want?

[whatnot]

Is it a sign that I'm meant to be with her? Or is my heart holding onto a person that would have just been perfect for me had the situation been different?

I know what I think I know what people mean when they say this. But, at the same time, it's never made any real sense to me. For me....it's pretty difficult to completely divorce a person from a situation. They can intertwine...in my head...if not reality. That said...

 

It was right about at the same time in my LDR that my ex (we ended up dating 7 years) brought up moving to my city.

 

The first thought that came into my brain when she said this to me was...."You've got to be kidding. You know nothing about me".

 

But...that was me.

 

Have you told her of your feelings regarding her children? Hiding feelings....for me....never works. She'll definitely know how you feel about that the closer you all get. Doesn't necessarily make it a deal breaker....but I think you'd have to do something about them. That's all

 

good luck