How do I help my wife cope with the loss of a baby

[Saddest dad]

My wife and I are an older couple, and a few months ago we had another baby due to an accidental pregnancy. Our son passed away at only a week old from an undiagnosed heart defect in our home. I was holding him when he died and I know she's very upset about that. My wife has been absolutely inconsolable since it happened to the point where I had to have her put into the hospital after she became suicidal.

 

She sleeps on the floor in his nursery, and won't come in our room anymore. Some days she just lays there and screams for hours on end. She won't eat unless it's in his room, and very little of what she used to.

 

Last night I got her out of the house, and we went to dinner with our friends. There was a couple we don't know there who were asking me about ourselves. I talked about our two kids and how great they are and our activities. At some point in the night I could see her glaring at me, and she wouldn't speak to me in the car. When we got home she attacked me. Scratched me, bit me, hit me, and screamed the whole time "we have three babies you son of a bitch."

 

I didn't say anything about the little one because I didn't want to upset her. Now she's throwing stuff at me and just saying mean things like I'm happy he died.

 

I don't know what to do. All I want is to help. Does anyone have any advice?

[RecentChange]

Counseling? Can she see a professional who can help her cope with her grief?

 

She (and you!) Have gone through one of the biggest losses someone can face in their life.

 

I understand being completely overwhelmed and out of control with emotions, but she needs some tools to cope with them.

 

Physically attacking you is not okay, she needs help. You said she was hospitalized, is she undergoing continuous therapy? She should be. I am not a fan of meds, but t she may need some to help her through the worst of this.

[d0nnivain]

I am so very sorry about your devastating loss.

 

 

Your wife is grieving & that is going to go on for a long time. There is no right or wrong way to do that. She is going to feel what she feels.

 

 

There are support groups for parents whose children passed away. Perhaps look into one when she's ready. I honestly think that only somebody who has been through this can understand.

 

 

My college roommate had a miscarriage, very late in the 3rd trimester. Years later I mentioned something about her 2 beautiful girls & she reminded me that she'd also had a son. The pain in her eyes was brutally heartbreaking. I always remembered to include him afterwards.

 

 

All you can do is be your wife's anchor back to your other children & this life while she struggles to process her profound grief. What I mean by that is you have to prevent her from getting so consumed by this overwhelming & unbearable sorrow that she forgets to live.

[Saddest dad]

Counseling? Can she see a professional who can help her cope with her grief?

 

She (and you!) Have gone through one of the biggest losses someone can face in their life.

 

I understand being completely overwhelmed and out of control with emotions, but she needs some tools to cope with them.

 

Physically attacking you is not okay, she needs help. You said she was hospitalized, is she undergoing continuous therapy? She should be. I am not a fan of meds, but t she may need some to help her through the worst of this.

Yes, three times a week. She goes. It just doesn't even help. She's numb when she gets done it seems, and we do go to some sessions together to try and help her get over her anger at me for holding him when he died. I didn't know he was dying, I didn't know what was happening to him, but I wouldn't wish the experience on my worst enemy. I have nightmares about it.

[sandylee1]

My heart goes out to you both, but her physical attacks are not acceptable.

 

At some point you need to put a stop to it and that time is now. Just because you are married doesn't excuse her violence and which she is fully in control of.

If she wasn't in she'd have attacked you in the restaurant, but she knows it's not acceptable behaviour.

 

Honestly..... If you were my brother I'd advise him to seperate from a wife like this. Her resentment is evident and perhaps she'll realise that she's loosing you by her actions.

You being a punch bag isn't helping

 

Have you had counselling yourself?

[Doublegold]

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Having two siblings each bury a child, I have seen and felt the suffering, grieving and heartbreak.

 

 

Has the Doctor overseeing your wife's care discussed continued in-patient treatment? While her grief is overwhelming and expectedly so, her anger and resentment towards you is not rational. You are grieving also.

 

 

Does anyone treating her feel she is a danger to herself or others-- yourself particularly?

 

 

Sending hope for peace to you both. Take Care.

[Doublegold]

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Having two siblings each bury a child, I have seen and felt the suffering, grief and heartbreak.

 

 

Has the Doctor overseeing your wife's care discussed continued in-patient treatment? While her grief is overwhelming and expectedly so, her anger and resentment towards you is not rational. You are grieving also.

 

 

Does anyone treating her feel she is a danger to herself or others-- yourself particularly?

 

 

Sending hope for peace to you both. Take Care.

[Doublegold]

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Having two siblings each bury a child, I have seen and felt the suffering, grief and heartbreak.

 

 

Has the Doctor overseeing your wife's care discussed continued in-patient treatment? While her grief is overwhelming and expectedly so, her anger and resentment towards you is not rational. You are grieving also.

 

 

Does anyone treating her feel she is still a danger to herself or others-- yourself particularly?

 

 

Sending hope for peace to you both. Take Care.

[grays]

Im so sad for you both. Is she angry that she wasnt the one holding him or is she feeling like you are responsible for his death because you were holding him? It seems kind of nuce to me that he was in your arms and not all alone in a crib or something.

 

How long has it been? Is she on any meds?

[preraph]

It's too soon to go out trying to socialize. Too soon. She's going to be grieving for a while. She shouldn't have gone off on you about that. I hope you told her you were only trying to not let the conversation go there.

 

Grief counseling might help. If she's religious, talking to the clergy might help. Otherwise, listen to those it's happened to. And I would only say be there by her side ready to listen or give her space or whatever she wants (space sounds like) and don't push anything. She's going to be grieving for some time. Also, if she thinks you're not grieving as much, this can cause a lot of resentment. So don't "stay strong" for her. Let her know you're grieving too. Everyone grieves in their own way and time. Just don't let her think you're in a rush to forget about your baby and let her know you loved the baby.

[Saddest dad]

She takes some medicine for it. She's mad I was holding him and she wasn't, and she was present when he died. It was so strange when he died, and I didn't know that was what was happening. I tried cpr to save him, but couldn't . I feel like I failed my child, which I know is irrational but it happens. I don't think she's dangerous at all.

 

I know she's trying to get pregnant again, but so far, no luck.

[Saddest dad]

We've been going through this for about six months. I know that isn't a long time, but she's still so devastated about it that it's difficult. On her birthday she just sobbed because the only thing she wants is her baby.

 

Our older kids are in their late teens and early twenties, and they have been amazing about this. They call her and come snuggle with her to try and help, but I doubt it does.

[Redhead14]

You need to take her by both hands and sit down across from each other. Look into her eyes and explain that these losses have been devastating for you BOTH and that the two of you need to be there for one another. She needs to understand that you are grieving as well and that everyone grieves in their own way. You handle it better by talking about it apparently but if she prefers, you will refrain from that for a while.

 

I recommend very strongly that you go to counseling as well for your own sake as well as to learn how to work with her. Your counselor can/would guide you through that as well.