Do you let an ex go to see if you should really be together?

[Lynnesmith9898]

After being together for seven years, my ex and split up. We ended up getting back in touch six months later. At the time, he was dating another girl (only for a couple months). We started spending time together and he ended the relationship with her for me. We became friends and started hooking up casually. Long story short, we stopped doing that in order to just be friends about two months ago. We pretty much do everything we did as a couple except the intimate part. Well, now this girl is back in his life and he says he's confused about what he wants with her and what he wants with me. I'm wondering if he wants me as a friend and her as more.

 

He's told me that he needs time to think about what he wants and if he has feelings for this other girl. I don't believe I should wait around, but it's hard to walk away.

 

My friends have been telling me that I should never be someone's choice and if a man truly knew how he felt, he would be with me.

 

Do I just walk away from him? I love him, and even though we are friends, I hope that it would turn into more.

 

Any advice is welcome. I'm struggling. My head tells me to walk away and that I deserve a man who knows what he wants and that I'm not second choice or even a choice. But my heart tells me otherwise...

Edited August 8, 2017 by Lynnesmith9898

[bummer]

Listen to your head.

 

Reality is when he does find someone new to commit to beyond you and this other girl, he'll leave you in the dust.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Well, I think this is pretty simple. He kept the door open for someone else to walk in whilst trying to do the friendship only thing with you. If he had the same feelings about possibly reconciling even eventually, he wouldn't have made room for another woman to enter and disrupt the flow.

 

Unless you had some formal discussion regarding not dating while doing the friendship thing then he's perfectly entitled to seek out other intimate relationships as are you.

 

If you don't think you can remain just being friends with him while he's pursing this other woman then perhaps you need to back away and give him his space to do what he needs to do or confront him head on state your intentions once and for all.

 

Personally, I see him entertaining another woman as proof enough that he isn't ready to be more than friends with me and that would be all that I need to know it's time to move on from him already.

[preraph]

He wants both. That's the situation. And as long as he can have both, he will. He sounds to me like he doesn't really value either of you because someone who really feels emotions for another person and not just for themself and cares about the person will not want to inflict pain on them, such as he is doing by waffling between two women. He's hurting both because he doesn't truly love either of you or maybe doesn't even know what love is. Don't listen to his words. Go only by his actions.

[stixx]

After being together for seven years, my ex and split up. We ended up getting back in touch six months later. At the time, he was dating another girl (only for a couple months). We started spending time together and he ended the relationship with her for me. We became friends and started hooking up casually. Long story short, we stopped doing that in order to just be friends about two months ago. We pretty much do everything we did as a couple except the intimate part. Well, now this girl is back in his life and he says he's confused about what he wants with her and what he wants with me. I'm wondering if he wants me as a friend and her as more.

 

He's told me that he needs time to think about what he wants and if he has feelings for this other girl. I don't believe I should wait around, but it's hard to walk away.

 

My friends have been telling me that I should never be someone's choice and if a man truly knew how he felt, he would be with me.

 

Do I just walk away from him? I love him, and even though we are friends, I hope that it would turn into more.

 

Any advice is welcome. I'm struggling. My head tells me to walk away and that I deserve a man who knows what he wants and that I'm not second choice or even a choice. But my heart tells me otherwise...

 

Guys are generally confused overall I have to admit. This sounds like drama and maybe just let it go.

 

My gal dumped me and I seen it coming. Yes,,,we still hang out. She was over last night after work. We went shopping, but after that I didnt give it much though aside from a oh-hum moment.

 

Personally I think most guys are general scumbags, and Im a guy,,,and I think Im one of the better ones(maybe-haha). Just a one gal guy and dont hokey-pokey.

 

She came to me last night. I did not call her at all.

 

Its over. When its done its done. Long terms are tough, but be strong. You can do it and I bet you find someone better.

[Lynnesmith9898]

Thank you to all the responses. A lot of good advice was given!

 

I made the decision last night to walk away. I can't accept being in his life if he's confused and has feelings for another woman. I deserve to be with someone that knows what they want and that they want me. It was painful to tell him that. He was extremely upset but I told him I couldn't be in his life if this other girl was going to be. He had to make a choice and I made it for him. But most of all, I think I made my own choice by removing myself from this situation.

 

We have a history and I feel like if he truly loved me and we wanted the same things he would be with me and there wouldn't be all this drama.

 

I let him go. I told him to go be with that girl and see what happens. I believe that sometimes you have to let a person go to see if they are the right one for you. If we are meant to be, then we will be. Maybe in the future or maybe not. But I can't wait around for someone who is constantly confused.

[bummer]

Now's the hard part. Careful how long you "wait" for him to come back. remember, anything short of all-out "I want you, let's reconcile" is just a breadcrumb and will set you back should you keep answering them.

[Lynnesmith9898]

Hi there. I posted on another thread yesterday in regards to being in a situation where my ex and I became friends and were seeing where things could go. Well he admitted to me recently that he might have feelings for another woman now. He said he doesn't know how he feels about me and doesn't want to lose me, but at the same time he doesn't know exactly how he feels about this other woman.

 

I told him that I need to walk away from the situation and let him see what he feels for this other woman. It could mean that they end up together and I lose him all together. I don't want to be with someone who has possible unresolved feelings for another woman. I think I would always wonder if he still did. After I told him that I would no longer be in his life, he got upset and said that he wanted to stay with me. I said no, I don't think that is right.

 

I feel though that if he stays with me he might always have those feelings for her and wonder what if. I did tell him that if I walk away, this would be it. I wouldn't be waiting around for him if he changed his mind. I feel like he should just know what he wants it, and if it was me, he'd just know that.

 

Can guys really be "confused"? I feel like at some point, you just have to know what you want.

 

Am I making the right decision to let him go? Will he then realize that we are meant to be together or that he's meant to be with this girl or someone else?

 

Note: He and I were in a long-term relationship and broke up a year ago, and we recently reconnected earlier this year. I want to add that this woman he might have feelings for, he was seeing her briefly after we broke up. And then he broke it off with her abruptly to hook up with me before we stopped and just kept it as friends. Complicated. Yes.

[preraph]

I think you should at least try dating other guys. Sitting at home waiting tearfully for someone who's looking for someone he likes better never got anyone anywhere and makes you look like you have no self-respect and no options and will settle for very little.

[kidm]

Hi there. I posted on another thread yesterday in regards to being in a situation where my ex and I became friends and were seeing where things could go. Well he admitted to me recently that he might have feelings for another woman now. He said he doesn't know how he feels about me and doesn't want to lose me, but at the same time he doesn't know exactly how he feels about this other woman.

 

I told him that I need to walk away from the situation and let him see what he feels for this other woman. It could mean that they end up together and I lose him all together. I don't want to be with someone who has possible unresolved feelings for another woman. I think I would always wonder if he still did. After I told him that I would no longer be in his life, he got upset and said that he wanted to stay with me. I said no, I don't think that is right.

 

I feel though that if he stays with me he might always have those feelings for her and wonder what if. I did tell him that if I walk away, this would be it. I wouldn't be waiting around for him if he changed his mind. I feel like he should just know what he wants it, and if it was me, he'd just know that.

 

Can guys really be "confused"? I feel like at some point, you just have to know what you want.

 

Am I making the right decision to let him go? Will he then realize that we are meant to be together or that he's meant to be with this girl or someone else?

 

Note: He and I were in a long-term relationship and broke up a year ago, and we recently reconnected earlier this year. I want to add that this woman he might have feelings for, he was seeing her briefly after we broke up. And then he broke it off with her abruptly to hook up with me before we stopped and just kept it as friends. Complicated. Yes.

 

 

You let an ex go when he and is not meeting your needs. Move on with your life and don't wait for anyone to pick you. If he returns and you're available and want to try again, so bet it but more often than not, it's just a repeat of the same BS. You are better off investing your time, energy and emotions into a new man who is 100% present and wants to be with you. Good luck!

[preraph]

Thank you to all the responses. A lot of good advice was given!

 

I made the decision last night to walk away. I can't accept being in his life if he's confused and has feelings for another woman. I deserve to be with someone that knows what they want and that they want me. It was painful to tell him that. He was extremely upset but I told him I couldn't be in his life if this other girl was going to be. He had to make a choice and I made it for him. But most of all, I think I made my own choice by removing myself from this situation.

 

We have a history and I feel like if he truly loved me and we wanted the same things he would be with me and there wouldn't be all this drama.

 

I let him go. I told him to go be with that girl and see what happens. I believe that sometimes you have to let a person go to see if they are the right one for you. If we are meant to be, then we will be. Maybe in the future or maybe not. But I can't wait around for someone who is constantly confused.

 

Wise woman. I hope you are able to smile again and go do fun things again soon.

[Lynnesmith9898]

Even after I said that we would no longer talk ever again and he should pursue her, he is contacting me to talk to me today and tell me he doesn't want to lose me.

 

He hasn't seen this girl at all in weeks, and hasn't talked to her in over 1.5 weeks.

 

I'm confused, if he has feelings for her, why isn't he spending time with her? Why is he still trying to talk to me?

 

I know. I should be standing behind my decision to not speak to him.

[kidm]

At this point, he needs to make sure you will be waiting in the wings. You are not playing according to plan so he is trying to change the current tide and sounds like you have been entertaining his attempts. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. A man who loves you and wants to be with you will have ZERO confusion about another girl. How do you know he hasn't seen her in weeks?

[sandylee1]

The minute a man tells he he's confused and has feelings for another woman, I'd be done. My feelings for him wouldn't be the same anymore, because of his apparent confusion.

 

Very simple... I remove myself from his confused life and walk away without looking back. I don't even want a man who needs to test the waters and return to me.

 

Why are you entertaining his attempts to keep you on the back burner?

[basil67]

Even after I said that we would no longer talk ever again and he should pursue her, he is contacting me to talk to me today and tell me he doesn't want to lose me.

 

He hasn't seen this girl at all in weeks, and hasn't talked to her in over 1.5 weeks.

 

I'm confused, if he has feelings for her, why isn't he spending time with her? Why is he still trying to talk to me?

 

I know. I should be standing behind my decision to not speak to him.

 

It's time for you to give him an ultimatum: He's either in or he's out. All or nothing.

 

If he chooses to not get back together, he needs to do so with the knowledge that he WILL lose you. You will no longer be at his beck and call taking calls etc.

 

For your own sake, stop letting him string you along.

[central]

Someone can be undecided if they don't have enough information to make a choice, or have made a bad choice and don't trust their judgment.

 

Early on in our dating history, my wife broke up with me because she had too little dating experience to form a basis for comparison, and her ex was a very poor choice. She needed time to gain some experience and perspective, because she thought I was too good to be true. Six months later, we were both available again, and she had banished her doubts. Seventeen years later, and we have the best relationship of anyone we know.

 

This may not be his situation, though. He may just be indecisive, or afraid of commitment.

[Goodguy05]

Hi there. I posted on another thread yesterday in regards to being in a situation where my ex and I became friends and were seeing where things could go. Well he admitted to me recently that he might have feelings for another woman now. He said he doesn't know how he feels about me and doesn't want to lose me, but at the same time he doesn't know exactly how he feels about this other woman.

 

I told him that I need to walk away from the situation and let him see what he feels for this other woman. It could mean that they end up together and I lose him all together. I don't want to be with someone who has possible unresolved feelings for another woman. I think I would always wonder if he still did. After I told him that I would no longer be in his life, he got upset and said that he wanted to stay with me. I said no, I don't think that is right.

 

I feel though that if he stays with me he might always have those feelings for her and wonder what if. I did tell him that if I walk away, this would be it. I wouldn't be waiting around for him if he changed his mind. I feel like he should just know what he wants it, and if it was me, he'd just know that.

 

Can guys really be "confused"? I feel like at some point, you just have to know what you want.

 

Am I making the right decision to let him go? Will he then realize that we are meant to be together or that he's meant to be with this girl or someone else?

 

Note: He and I were in a long-term relationship and broke up a year ago, and we recently reconnected earlier this year. I want to add that this woman he might have feelings for, he was seeing her briefly after we broke up. And then he broke it off with her abruptly to hook up with me before we stopped and just kept it as friends. Complicated. Yes.

 

 

 

Yes u need to walk away from this 100 percent. Why would u wanna be wth someone that's got feelings for someone else ur setting herself up for pain right there. Don't wait around walk and yes u will have those thoughts always in the back of ur mind which will make u unhappy say if u did end up together too much pain don't do it

[stixx]

Now's the hard part. Careful how long you "wait" for him to come back. remember, anything short of all-out "I want you, let's reconcile" is just a breadcrumb and will set you back should you keep answering them.

 

It can take years for a woman to come back when your not even asking for it. I was out shopping one day and ran into a girl that dumped me. Wow how the smiles and "you look great,,,,,how you been?",,yadda-yadda came. I was nice and talked to her for about 20 minutes and then she gave me her number and wants to hang out or something.

 

When I walked away I couldnt find a trash can fast enough to throw out her number. This woman dumped me for a jerk. Had a kid with him and now wants me to carry that baggage. Really?

 

Sorry. Get lost! It over, but I do talk to a couple of my ex's on occasion on Christmas to say hello and see how they are doing, but these are woman that we left on good terms with each other.

 

Heck, my ex called me at lunch yesterday and wanted to hang out after work. We did. We went shopping and went for ice cream. Big deal. We know its over, but this woman was the longest relationship Ive had. So we hang out a bit and have dinner once a month. Nothing more.

 

I dont think many ex-couples can do that though if the relationship ended on a bad note. A new companion might have a problem though if shes insecure. If so, sorry. Then I guess it wont work out for her with me.

[ExpatInItaly]

Eh, I think he's not into either of you enough. If he were, he likely would not be suffering from this "confusion."

 

I think once he meets someone he really feels he clicks with, you and this other woman will be both be left high and dry.

[fiskadoro]

I wouldn't tell that to a woman I respected.

 

Nice people do cruel things sometimes... cruel people also do cruel things sometimes. If you continue to be in contact with him, you very soon may find yourself pondering that most painful of questions: was your ex a cruel person and you never knew it, or was he a good man who just had a moment of cruelty?

 

He won't leave you with "nothing". There is something worse than nothing, and that is a feeling of being had, hoodwinked, and having allowed yourself to be played for a fool. It's a bitter taste and it lingers. Walk away now before it approaches.

[maxi105]

hi lynette, this is a very difficult time for you I'm sure, considering the length of your relationship previously.

 

is there any way you can take a holiday or go to see a friend for a while, I always suggest these things as I think that time away can really help you to look at if you are really missing him.

 

a friend can offer support and company and of course knows you well enough to remind you of the facts (good and bad).

 

what do your friends think of this man, are they saying the same sorts of things what they did when you broke up before.

 

was why you broke up before the same reason that It is now?

 

the end choice of course must be yours, and not knowing this person its hard to say anything other than gut feeling.

 

my first instinct is to get out of the situation if you can? do you have children is so can you still take a break for a short while? or can he if you live together and have children.

 

if you don't live together I think a 5 week break to see if you miss him and really miss him.

 

however, missing someone doesn't always mean that getting together is right if they don't really want you.

 

the one thing that puzzles me in all this and makes me feel a but unsure is the fact that he tells you he's met someone else and has feelings for them (ok, that's very honest and brave, some people never know and still have endless devastation) so at least you have the truth...but then he's saying he wants to talk to you!!! that's the problem for me....maybe this woman is the one pulling the strings,,,,maybe he wants to talk with you agai because she doesn't really know what she wants and he is realising that there is someone out there who is playing the same emotional games he has played with you!!!

 

I don't know that for sure but it all seemed so certain and now doesn't! that sounds suspicious that he would risk all to tell you and then go back on what he is saying so quickly after not speaking to her for 12 days or so.

 

attraction is attraction, is he going to be attracted to her if he sees her in the street? probably he is if he feels for her visually or verbally, if the spark is there it will be there surely?

 

I'm afraid I agree with others here (if you feel strong enough walk away) if you don't - then maybe go away for a holiday if you can, just be busy if you cant and let time sort your feelings out.

 

you've had 2 attempts with him, I wonder if it was going to work the second time would have been the one that stuck you two together.

 

he knows you are weak, and he probably is too. 7 years is a long time. if it was me I would not feel good knowing that he liked someone else, it could churn you up and make you bitter if you are not careful. do you know this woman? do you see her around? if so then maybe leave now as it could get nasty...there is no knowing what emotional people can do out of the blue, so do yourself a favour if you can. get out of this situation and leave them to it. if he is asking for your time again it could be that he has been with her and he is bored, has woken from his fantasy of the affair or she is sick of him, either way it is not about love of you!!!! that sounds hard and painful I'm sure, but if he loved you he wouldn't be in this situation I don't think. I think he told you to let you say go to her, but whether you have the full story is another question?

 

you sound too good to be treated like this. I cant help thinking he has failed in someway with her and now wants to come back as though nothing has happened!!!!! if that is true...keep walking and don't give him any more thoughts that will allow him to break your heart all over again. be strong if you feel that this isn't good for you.

 

also ask as many people that you trust and that know you well around for their opinions about this and it might help you to have a bit more clarity on the situation and the reality and weight of what is going on and what it will mean for you in the short and long term if it goes wrong or right.

 

what is best for you, what do those very close to you think is best for you.

 

good luck and whatever you decide to do...be strong for your choices and your future....could you see this happening again in the future either with this woman or another woman?

 

best wishes, maxi

[Lynnesmith9898]

Well...it's been an emotional week...

 

I had decided to walk away from him last Tuesday. Only to have him cry and call me that same night and say it was a mistake and that he didn't want to lose me. I continued to talk to him and he told me on Thursday night he called her and ended it for good. He said that he told her goodbye and she was out of his life. Well, fast forward to yesterday and he told me that he's going to go with her and that he will have to lose me. I am so angry. Angry at myself I let him in the end make the choice when I wanted to for myself. He strung me along and lied to me. I found out he never told that girl goodbye. He only told her I need time to think. If only she knew what she was getting into. Part of me wants to contact her and tell her the truth about how he originally dumped her for me and how he runs to her. Is that a good idea or am I only doing it for revenge? I'm heartbroken and couldn't go into work today. I hate him so much. I opened my heart and was vulnerable to him and he didn't care.

[SpecialJ]

Classic jerk move. You made a decision and took his control and power away, so he manipulated and repositioned the situation to save face. Don't worry about him and his games and taking an extra week to walk away. You were strong enough to walk when he was treating you badly, then human when he LIED to you and begged you to stay. Don't warn her, because it likely won't do any good at the moment AND it's important for you to completely flush him and his stupid drama out of your system for a while. I'm sorry this happened, but again, you were strong and walked. Don't let him take that away from you.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Someone can be undecided if they don't have enough information to make a choice, or have made a bad choice and don't trust their judgment.

 

Early on in our dating history, my wife broke up with me because she had too little dating experience to form a basis for comparison, and her ex was a very poor choice. She needed time to gain some experience and perspective, because she thought I was too good to be true. Six months later, we were both available again, and she had banished her doubts. Seventeen years later, and we have the best relationship of anyone we know.

 

This may not be his situation, though. He may just be indecisive, or afraid of commitment.

 

I love this. This example reminds me of my ex and our failed relationship. She had ONLY failed, abusive relationships to compare and she was also in the realm of 'this guy (me) is too good to be true' mode. She finally met a guy who adored her for her, but, unfortunately, she also finally met a guy who didn't care how much she made or would be dependent on your for anything and who wouldn't take any schmatas if she flubbed-up. After her colossal screw-up, she begged, pleaded, followed me across the country (w/o informing me) to try to get me back, but it was too late.

 

Going back to your original question, OP, sometimes. My ex thought that my request for a separation was for me to get my mind clear so that we could try again....she was wrong. I made it clear that it was over from the start...it took her 2-years to register that I was not one of her past abusive, co-dependent bfs who yearned to stick around b/c she made tons of money.

 

Personally, I feel, if you need to have an indefinite break to 'find out if you still want to be together' then the relationship is lost and will never return to what it was. I know it works out at times, but I must have lost some serious respect for you to have made the decision and no respect translates to no more....for me.

[sandylee1]

I hope you take this opportunity to have out of your life for good.

 

Like I said... Confusion comes when you don't really love the person... You shouldn't have taken him back, however, best thing is to block and go total NC with him.

 

Don't give him the opportunity to do this again. My good friend had a similar experience and literally had a break and was hospitalised after her ex came back begging only to end it 6 months later.

 

She wished she never gave him that chance to get back in her life.