15 Years Later ***Updated***

[Samantha.Leo]

So I decided to try to be friendly with him since he added me on FB. I sent a text yesterday and got no response, yet I wake up and see all these notifications where he has liked all my posts in the last few days. His ex had posted something on his timeline and now it's not there. (Could be irrelevant) I'm so confused here. I do want to be friends with him and I'm trying to extend the proverbial olive branch here but it can't just be me doing that.

[Samantha.Leo]

So I'm curious of what your opinions are about people who ghost you but like all your posts on social media. I've been having these issues lately where I'll text and receive no response but all my recent FB posts are being liked by him.

 

So, what is this? A new form of bread-crumbing?

Edited August 19, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[mon.]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

You need to get him out of your life; you'll be looking for pain otherwise.

 

I know it's hard for you to even SEE that now. Pain gets us confused.

 

If he has apologized, forgive him honestly, you don't need the burden of hate. But then WALK AWAY.

 

You can even ask him to stop contacting you and take the opportunity to say that you have no bad feelings for him - only if you mean it, of course.

 

But understand you cannot have him in your life. Don't look for signs nor contact. It's over, better late than never!!!

[Sweetfish]

Yes, he is no prize but I loved him despite his faults. I know you are just trying to give me some tough love here and I appreciate it, really I do. I'm working through this in my head. I have the waves of grief where I am knocked down wishing that things would work out and thinking about how much I love him. Then the waves of anger where I think to myself I could just stop contacting him and do all the things that I should to get him out of my life...what is stopping me?! Im angry at myself for falling for his BS again, 15 years after the fact! You would think I would have learned my lesson back then but oh no, I have to put myself through it again, for what, a chance that this jerk has changed?! Which obviously he has not. He is still the same selfish prick that I knew 15 years ago. Then waves of clarity where I know exactly what I need to do and say and wish I could say it all to his face and say goodbye completely.

 

This is exhausting and I know I'm doing it to myself. I just don't know how to stop.

 

 

One thing is having faults... another is not having respect for the other person and maybe your confusing the two. You said he wasn't trust worthy and in and out of prison. If you had children with him, what would become of your child if the father was in and out of jail? 15 years later you chasing him... are you really chasing him or are you seeking to change him?

 

I have to put myself through it again, for what, a chance that this jerk has changed?!

[springy]

Now if you decide to leave the lines of communication open on someone who is obviously so bad for you - you can expect more pain and confusion.

 

and so it begins..

Edited August 21, 2017 by springy

[Samantha.Leo]

So I haven't texted him, or contacted him in any way in the last 5 days. He has randomly liked some of my FB posts, but I'm trying not to read into anything. It's slowly getting easier. I'm on day 14 of my workout plan, which I started because of him, but I'm continuing because of me. I took someone's advice about being tested, and it was negative (thank goodness!). I felt so relieved and wondered why on earth would I have wanted someone that I couldn't trust in that department. I don't know how I'm feeling at the moment. Just numb, or p*ssed off because he used me. I dont want him anymore, I know that much, but it's like I want him to feel like I do, to feel hurt, to feel anything really. It's not fair. Why do I feel something and he doesn't? I want to yell at him about it, but I'm not, he would just ignore it or give me excuses. I guess I'm trying to vent in here, trying to make sense of what happened, trying to move forward with my life. It's all so frustrating.

[InvisiBlonde]

So I haven't texted him, or contacted him in any way in the last 5 days. He has randomly liked some of my FB posts, but I'm trying not to read into anything. It's slowly getting easier. I'm on day 14 of my workout plan, which I started because of him, but I'm continuing because of me. I took someone's advice about being tested, and it was negative (thank goodness!). I felt so relieved and wondered why on earth would I have wanted someone that I couldn't trust in that department. I don't know how I'm feeling at the moment. Just numb, or p*ssed off because he used me. I dont want him anymore, I know that much, but it's like I want him to feel like I do, to feel hurt, to feel anything really. It's not fair. Why do I feel something and he doesn't? I want to yell at him about it, but I'm not, he would just ignore it or give me excuses. I guess I'm trying to vent in here, trying to make sense of what happened, trying to move forward with my life. It's all so frustrating.

 

 

Samantha.Leo:

 

I feel your pain.

 

Along with the pain of being set up and dumped is the shame of doing this to yourself, letting yourself be debased in this way.

 

You MUST block him everywhere right now. I know how ridiculously hard it can be to cut someone off even if they are treating you like crap. You feel and hear and see yourself essentially just standing there waiting for him to wipe his feet on you yet again; you know you shouldn't; you know you feel horrible about yourself; and you're sometimes sobbing out loud while you're doing it, but you're doing it anyway.

 

Every time he shows up in your FB account he's tearing the scab off your badly-wounded soul. Eventually that leaves scars. It's not up to him to decide who you are.

 

Besides, why would you want to give him another quark of your Precious Self? You're probably saying, "But it's nothing! It's just a stupid FB post he's seeing!" I didn't get it, either, at one time, but I sure do now:

Don't cast your Precious Pearl Self before his swiney ass!

 

He's an ex-con with probably a fairly-awful criminal history (you did say "prison" and not "jail," and ten years is a long bid nowadays, so WTF did he do and how many times?) and he sure did find a way to get in touch with you in a big hurry when he needed something, didn't he?

 

I've been involved with a number of Cluster-B-disordered men in my lifetime, including one who I (probably-fortunately) realized only much later is a textbook sociopath. That "relationship" ended in 1992, and I never saw or heard from him again until one day out of the blue in 2012 (!) I got a message from him through FB asking if I were the same InvisiBlonde who used to live at such-and-such an address and if not to excuse the message.

 

I sat here with my jaw in my lap. TWENTY YEARS. If he were ever to approach me again, I would call 911.

 

I learned a lot about all this behaviour at a site called:

 

Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue ? Break Emotional Unavailability, Embrace Loving Relationships, Grow Self-Esteem

 

You do have more than enough internal resources to do right by you. I know that's probably small comfort right now. It also does not mean that there is something wrong with you or that you're stupid or weak or whatever else you may be feeling or telling yourself. You will "get out" when you're ready.

 

Big Hugs. You will be okay.

 

PS: Happy Birthday!

[Samantha.Leo]

Samantha.Leo:

 

I feel your pain.

 

Along with the pain of being set up and dumped is the shame of doing this to yourself, letting yourself be debased in this way.

 

You MUST block him everywhere right now. I know how ridiculously hard it can be to cut someone off even if they are treating you like crap. You feel and hear and see yourself essentially just standing there waiting for him to wipe his feet on you yet again; you know you shouldn't; you know you feel horrible about yourself; and you're sometimes sobbing out loud while you're doing it, but you're doing it anyway.

 

Every time he shows up in your FB account he's tearing the scab off your badly-wounded soul. Eventually that leaves scars. It's not up to him to decide who you are.

 

Besides, why would you want to give him another quark of your Precious Self? You're probably saying, "But it's nothing! It's just a stupid FB post he's seeing!" I didn't get it, either, at one time, but I sure do now:

Don't cast your Precious Pearl Self before his swiney ass!

 

He's an ex-con with probably a fairly-awful criminal history (you did say "prison" and not "jail," and ten years is a long bid nowadays, so WTF did he do and how many times?) and he sure did find a way to get in touch with you in a big hurry when he needed something, didn't he?

 

I've been involved with a number of Cluster-B-disordered men in my lifetime, including one who I (probably-fortunately) realized only much later is a textbook sociopath. That "relationship" ended in 1992, and I never saw or heard from him again until one day out of the blue in 2012 (!) I got a message from him through FB asking if I were the same InvisiBlonde who used to live at such-and-such an address and if not to excuse the message.

 

I sat here with my jaw in my lap. TWENTY YEARS. If he were ever to approach me again, I would call 911.

 

I learned a lot about all this behaviour at a site called:

 

Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue ? Break Emotional Unavailability, Embrace Loving Relationships, Grow Self-Esteem

 

You do have more than enough internal resources to do right by you. I know that's probably small comfort right now. It also does not mean that there is something wrong with you or that you're stupid or weak or whatever else you may be feeling or telling yourself. You will "get out" when you're ready.

 

Big Hugs. You will be okay.

 

PS: Happy Birthday!

 

You hit the nail on the head with all of this! I don't want to be a doormat for him anymore. Let's just say what he did was pretty serious. It's something I felt he was definitely capable of 15 years ago. I honestly thought that he changed because of going through it. He's definitely a con artist.

 

I'm in town, the same town he lives in. I'm from this town. It has been 3 weeks since he's officially contacted me. I'm trying not....wait, I'm NOT going to contact him to let him know I'm here visiting family. I'm writing here instead. He knows already that I planned to be here this weekend. I'm anxious about it. I'm not contacting him though. I just can't do it to myself. I'm no longer crying everyday and I don't want to open that wound up again. I haven't deleted him from Facebook yet, I just can't make myself do it. I am hiding posts from him so he cannot see everything I post everyday.

 

I'm just trying to get through this weekend without contacting him at all. Give me strength.

[InvisiBlonde]

You go, girl!

 

I am praying for you.

 

Glad you found some validation in what I said

 

Con men (well, women, too) to me are the lowest form of scum. They steal your innocence / trust and your soul. At least when someone sticks a weapon in your side and tells you to hand over your stuff there's no pretence about what's going on.

 

(This of course in no way means that I condone violent crime!)

 

I myself am getting out of a nightmare situation, with a guy who's a textbook Borderline and also has some strong Narcissistic traits.

 

One thing that I've started leaning on for power is my own very strong competitive streak.

 

I don't know if you're at all that way or could call up some of your military training to "create" it for yourself, but sometimes I sit here and think, "You're gonna lose to this fool? Uh, no."

 

It also seems to just "shut down" all the emotion and keep me very focused.

 

When he manages to rattle my cage in spite of all this, I tell myself that very few things in life are arrived at by a straight line. Even competitive me will not come in first every time.

 

You can lose a few battles and still win the war.

 

You can do this!

 

Hope you have a great weekend.

[InvisiBlonde]

. I haven't deleted him from Facebook yet, I just can't make myself do it. I am hiding posts from him so he cannot see everything I post everyday.

 

I'm just trying to get through this weekend without contacting him at all. Give me strength.

 

 

YAAAAY, you!

 

Try to remember to praise yourself for every positive step you take. This is a huge one, but even the tiny ones are progress.

[Samantha.Leo]

You go, girl!

 

I am praying for you.

 

Glad you found some validation in what I said

 

Con men (well, women, too) to me are the lowest form of scum. They steal your innocence / trust and your soul. At least when someone sticks a weapon in your side and tells you to hand over your stuff there's no pretence about what's going on. I agree completely! Con men are the WORST!

 

(This of course in no way means that I condone violent crime!)

 

I myself am getting out of a nightmare situation, with a guy who's a textbook Borderline and also has some strong Narcissistic traits.

 

One thing that I've started leaning on for power is my own very strong competitive streak.

 

I don't know if you're at all that way or could call up some of your military training to "create" it for yourself, but sometimes I sit here and think, "You're gonna lose to this fool? Uh, no."

I found a guy who posts videos about dating (Derick Jaxn) and he had the video that spoke to me. He said when something like this happens to you to "Remember who TF you are." I've been saying this to myself since seeing that video whenever I start to feel sad again. It's kinda like the competitive thing.

It also seems to just "shut down" all the emotion and keep me very focused.

 

When he manages to rattle my cage in spite of all this, I tell myself that very few things in life are arrived at by a straight line. Even competitive me will not come in first every time.

 

You can lose a few battles and still win the war.

 

You can do this!

 

Hope you have a great weekend. Thanks, you too!

 

 

I have been feeling so alone in what I was going through that I reached out to someone I never in a million years thought I would even talk to again. It was a moment of weakness and being alone since I didn't want to tell my family about hooking up with this guy again. It was an ex that I had previously went NC with for 6 years. I needed someone familiar, someone I felt close to, someone who I could trust. It was him (Jay). I've posted about him on here before a long time ago. I feel that the universe works in mysterious ways and will give you a window when a door closes. I found Jay's contact info while gathering up T's pictures and stuff with the intentions of getting rid of everything. The universe gave me his contact info when I needed it most (at least that's how it felt). So I contacted him. Turns out, he's going through something similar. We are leaning on each other. I'm not sure if this is what was intended, but I owe a lot of my moving on to being able to talk to someone about this. I told him everything. He's being very supportive.

[Samantha.Leo]

It's all I can do today to NOT contact him. He is literally right down the road. I have no good reason to even say anything to him but the urge is strong today. Today is exactly 3 weeks since he's contacted me. I guess I just kind of hoped he would contact me this weekend with him knowing I would be in town. It's disappointing but it's what I expected.

 

I'm really trying to move on. He's on a restricted list on Facebook so he can't see anything I post to friends. I just can't delete him yet. I've tried, I've changed my mind, then I've tried again...I just can't bring myself to do it yet. WTF...

[InvisiBlonde]

It's all I can do today to NOT contact him. He is literally right down the road. I have no good reason to even say anything to him but the urge is strong today. Today is exactly 3 weeks since he's contacted me. I guess I just kind of hoped he would contact me this weekend with him knowing I would be in town. It's disappointing but it's what I expected.

 

I'm really trying to move on. He's on a restricted list on Facebook so he can't see anything I post to friends. I just can't delete him yet. I've tried, I've changed my mind, then I've tried again...I just can't bring myself to do it yet. WTF...

 

Oh, dear. I'm so sorry.

 

I wish I had the skills to "talk you down," but know that it's not just you.

 

Remember that even "just" the restricting is a giant step forward. You've already taken yourself away from him as far as he knows.

 

(If he's even noticed. Sorry.)

 

I myself struggled for years to block/delete "family" and "friends" who apparently didn't give a rat's about whether I was dead or alive.

 

It's so much harder when there's that "romantic" / sexual bond.

 

(And how effing dare he park his skanky ass literally down your road?!)

Edited September 3, 2017 by InvisiBlonde
Too many "justs"

[Samantha.Leo]

It's all I can do today to NOT contact him. He is literally right down the road. I have no good reason to even say anything to him but the urge is strong today. Today is exactly 3 weeks since he's contacted me. I guess I just kind of hoped he would contact me this weekend with him knowing I would be in town. It's disappointing but it's what I expected.

 

I'm really trying to move on. He's on a restricted list on Facebook so he can't see anything I post to friends. I just can't delete him yet. I've tried, I've changed my mind, then I've tried again...I just can't bring myself to do it yet. WTF...

 

I blocked him. I was reading the "baggage claim" posts and everything people have been posting on Loveshack...I'm just tired of looking at his page and going back and forth with all this crap so I just said screw it and blocked him. I don't know if he will even notice but I just can't take it anymore. It's not true NC if I am still on his social media. I guess it's day 1....

[Samantha.Leo]

Oh, dear. I'm so sorry.

 

I wish I had the skills to "talk you down," but know that it's not just you.

 

Remember that even "just" the restricting is a giant step forward. You've already taken yourself away from him as far as he knows.

 

(If he's even noticed. Sorry.)

 

I myself struggled for years to block/delete "family" and "friends" who apparently didn't give a rat's about whether I was dead or alive.

 

It's so much harder when there's that "romantic" / sexual bond.

 

(And how effing dare he park his skanky ass literally down your road?!)

 

I blocked him. Restricting just wasn't enough because I could change it too easily. I changed my profile picture to "She took a deep breath and let go" and I just had to do it, so I blocked him. I feel weird right now.

[anna121]

Good for you for blocking him. I hope you never have occasion to talk to him again.

[InvisiBlonde]

I blocked him. I was reading the "baggage claim" posts and everything people have been posting on Loveshack...I'm just tired of looking at his page and going back and forth with all this crap so I just said screw it and blocked him. I don't know if he will even notice but I just can't take it anymore. It's not true NC if I am still on his social media. I guess it's day 1....

 

You go, GRRRRRRL!

 

I wish we lived nearer to one another; I'd invite you to a celebratory drink or something.

 

I have a playlist I named "Goodbye to You." I listen to it often, especially when Mr. Happy is standing in my doorway glaring and screaming and telling me what a dumb cunt I am and how if I don't like it I should "get the f*** out of here." I don't know if music helps you the same way, but sometimes the right bunch of songs gets me standing tall again.

 

(I haven't left yet because of finances, but my wheels are gaining speed.)

[Samantha.Leo]

You go, GRRRRRRL!

 

I wish we lived nearer to one another; I'd invite you to a celebratory drink or something.

 

I have a playlist I named "Goodbye to You." I listen to it often, especially when Mr. Happy is standing in my doorway glaring and screaming and telling me what a dumb cunt I am and how if I don't like it I should "get the f*** out of here." I don't know if music helps you the same way, but sometimes the right bunch of songs gets me standing tall again.

 

(I haven't left yet because of finances, but my wheels are gaining speed.)

 

I certainly have a playlist that I listen to. It started with sad, longing songs, but it has evolved. Pvris, Halsey, Paramore, Fiona Apple, and Mary J Blige's "enough cryin"

[Samantha.Leo]

Day one hasn't been terrible. I have thought about contacting him, but I haven't. I hate him. I guess you get that way. I miss him but I hate him. I've been drinking a lot tonight, so, I guess that's how it goes. I'm posting here instead of contacting him. He's blocked anyway so I don't know how that would work. Thanks to those who have been providing advice, I've tried to take it.

[InvisiBlonde]

I hate him. I guess you get that way. I miss him but I hate him. Thanks to those who have been providing advice, I've tried to take it.

 

Good Morning!

 

You are very welcome.

 

GOOD FOR YOU.

 

Quoting Ed Norton in the Honeymooners, "Sometimes the phrase just fits!"

 

Get it all out. Fantasize. Plot your revenge. Picture the most heinous acts. Write it down and burn what you wrote. DO NOT SEND IT TO HIM! Big difference between imagining and doing.

 

Saying you hate someone engenders this knee-jerk "OH! Don't SAY that!" reaction in others. Yeah, okay; get back to me after you've been through it.

 

Don't invalidate yourself. Feel the hate. Get it all out. You might as well do it now while you're feeling like crap anyway.

[Samantha.Leo]

Good Morning!

 

You are very welcome.

 

GOOD FOR YOU.

 

Quoting Ed Norton in the Honeymooners, "Sometimes the phrase just fits!"

 

Get it all out. Fantasize. Plot your revenge. Picture the most heinous acts. Write it down and burn what you wrote. DO NOT SEND IT TO HIM! Big difference between imagining and doing.

 

Saying you hate someone engenders this knee-jerk "OH! Don't SAY that!" reaction in others. Yeah, okay; get back to me after you've been through it.

 

Don't invalidate yourself. Feel the hate. Get it all out. You might as well do it now while you're feeling like crap anyway.

 

I am feeling it. And I do hate him. I hate what he is and I hate what he's done. I feel sorry for his exwife. He is such a con artist. Being on his Facebook page wasn't helping me at all. Him liking random posts but not contacting me. I would see new friends being added, all women, and I'd feel even worse. I had to block him for my own sanity. I feel like I took something back by blocking him. It doesn't matter that he may or may not even notice that I've done it, it just matters that I took back my control. I blocked him on my phone, Facebook, messenger, and I deleted my instagram account. I'm not changing my phone number because I've had it since 2004. I just feel freer today. It's weird. I thought I'd be sad, I thought I'd change my mind right away, but it hasn't happened. I just keep saying to myself "remember who TF you are" whenever one of those thoughts tries to come back.

I'm done with him. I will never contact him again. I know I'm done.

[InvisiBlonde]

I am feeling it. And I do hate him. I hate what he is and I hate what he's done. I feel sorry for his exwife. He is such a con artist. Being on his Facebook page wasn't helping me at all. Him liking random posts but not contacting me. I would see new friends being added, all women, and I'd feel even worse. I had to block him for my own sanity. I feel like I took something back by blocking him. It doesn't matter that he may or may not even notice that I've done it, it just matters that I took back my control. I blocked him on my phone, Facebook, messenger, and I deleted my instagram account. I'm not changing my phone number because I've had it since 2004. I just feel freer today. It's weird. I thought I'd be sad, I thought I'd change my mind right away, but it hasn't happened. I just keep saying to myself "remember who TF you are" whenever one of those thoughts tries to come back.

I'm done with him. I will never contact him again. I know I'm done.

 

Congratulations. I am really happy for you that your fears have proven unfounded!

 

(FWIW, those added "friends" are almost certainly a Harem, and his parading them on FB almost certainly calculated to get any response from you. Oh, well!)

[Samantha.Leo]

Congratulations. I am really happy for you that your fears have proven unfounded!

 

(FWIW, those added "friends" are almost certainly a Harem, and his parading them on FB almost certainly calculated to get any response from you. Oh, well!)

 

If that Harem was to get a response, he certainly got one, didn't he?! Just not the one he wanted. Oh well.

[InvisiBlonde]

If that Harem was to get a response, he certainly got one, didn't he?! Just not the one he wanted. Oh well.

 

Yeah; right?! LOLOLOLOL!

 

Payback's a bitch, eh, jerk***?!

 

The more I think about it, the funnier it gets! LOL!

 

As we used to say in the Eighties, "Too bad; so sad!"

[Samantha.Leo]

Nothing like what it was by any means, but my thoughts kept gravitating to him today. I felt the urge to unblock. I felt the urge to contact, to reach out, but I didn't. When does that urge go away? I know it's useless and it would certainly put me right back at square one. This is officially day 4 with absolute NC and no social media-absolute silence, absolutely out of his life and him out of mine.

 

I'm still talking to Jay. He takes the edge off. It's just nice I guess to feel some kind of validation. I don't know where this will go, if it even will go anywhere. I'm not pushing anything at this point. I'm still too hurt and guarded by what T did.

 

I guess I'm just venting, reminding myself of what a bad idea it would be to unblock or to contact.