How do you deal with a friend that disappears with a new relationship?

[Aedra]

I get it, I really do. New relationship = exciting and you want to spend every waking moment with your new love. I was really happy for my close friend, as he had found someone that was really sweet and kind and a good match for him, he hadn't been in a new relationship for 6 years. He is completely enamoured. I also met her and I really like her too.

 

However it was my birthday not too long ago and I had to convince him to take his new girlfriend with him to my party. He was going to go hang out with her instead and making excuses. Eventually he felt guilty and did just that, but I couldn't help but feel angry and thrown to the wayside either way. Prior to this, we hadn't spoken in over two months where as it used to be really regular.

 

Should I just let my friend go for now and let him socialise when he feels like it? I used to ask him to hang out once a week but not lately, he either doesn't answer or he does, but he'll chat for maybe an hour and dive back to his girlfriend. When he does chat, you can tell he is not all there in the moment, just pretty much waiting for her. I can't help but feel depressed, as he is one of my absolute closest friends and I share things with him I don't with my other friends. Everything feels so different. He is like a close brother and felt the same way, like a close sister. I don't know what balance I need to strike or whether I am overreacting.

Edited August 10, 2017 by Aedra

[Bastile]

This is what happens with friends who are easily whipped. I've had the same exact thing recently. One of my cousins got involved with a very clingy woman.

 

She cheated on him, so now he's single again and blowing up my phone to go out. It's just typical, and I'm used to it from him

 

The best male friends don't completely disappear and reappear based on their relationship status. And people who do really can't be taken so serious.

 

Take the guy with a pinch of salt. Let him go, and likely expect him to come back around.

[shellybing]

I get it, I really do. New relationship = exciting and you want to spend every waking moment with your new love. I was really happy for my close friend, as he had found someone that was really sweet and kind and a good match for him, he hadn't been in a new relationship for 6 years. He is completely enamoured. I also met her and I really like her too.

 

However it was my birthday not too long ago and I had to convince him to take his new girlfriend with him to my party. He was going to go hang out with her instead and making excuses. Eventually he felt guilty and did just that, but I couldn't help but feel angry and thrown to the wayside either way. Prior to this, we hadn't spoken in over two months where as it used to be really regular.

 

Should I just let my friend go for now and let him socialise when he feels like it? I used to ask him to hang out once a week but not lately, he either doesn't answer or he does, but he'll chat for maybe an hour and dive back to his girlfriend. When he does chat, you can tell he is not all there in the moment, just pretty much waiting for her. I can't help but feel depressed, as he is one of my absolute closest friends and I share things with him I don't with my other friends. Everything feels so different. He is like a close brother and felt the same way, like a close sister. I don't know what balance I need to strike or whether I am overreacting.

 

 

Yes, you should. People who get in relationships are there for one another, and while we have friends if you continue your relationship further you will be intrusive and it will be unwanted. You run the chance of ruining your friendship all together. He is a man of free will and if he wants to be with you, he will. He is making his girlfriend a priority, tht should not be an issue for any of his friends. You should be happy for him being in a relationship.

 

If you are so upset about his new relationship, maybe you should explore the fact that maybe you wanted to be more than friends with him, and just have not been honest with yourself about that. True friends are happy for eachother when they are in relationships.

[Aedra]

I figured at least somebody would perceived this post as being a jealous girl who has feelings for her male friend.

 

I just want make it clear yet again I have zero romantic interest in this friend. It was clear long ago our chemistry is more like siblings. He has said several times to me he sees me like a sister. He says he shares details about his life to nobody else but me and vice versa.

 

Of course, I am happy for him too. Made that pretty clear. Thank you though, I need to let him do this own thing.

[Bastile]

He is making his girlfriend a priority, tht should not be an issue for any of his friends. You should be happy for him being in a relationship.

 

When a guy is missing birthday parties, family functions, and the like, it's a big red-flag that he's a codependent sort who is just easily whipped.

 

They typically turn up again after the relationship ends like little lost souls.

 

It can be frustrating to watch or be around, but you do have to just let them do their thing.

 

The best male friends really don't do this, btw.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I don't think it as much about the excitement of a new relationship as it is about the challenge of maintaining close opposite sex friendships when you are in a relationship.

 

If you were a guy it would unlikely be a problem, but hanging out and confiding in a special female friend could result in some tension in his relationship. In his case, he has been single for six years so he could be very nervous about rocking the boat.

 

Some people can navigate these situations and dynamics really well, but not everyone can. I hate to say it, but your friendship is likely a bit of an afterthought for him now that he has meet someone, and in my experience it is unlikely going to change during their relationship either. Even if it doesn't work out, be aware that he is capable of doing the same thing again.

 

It is tough being cast aside by a good friend, and I'm sorry I can't tell you something more positive, but you need to protect your own feelings first and accept that he can only offer you the bare minimum from a friendship from now on.

[todreaminblue]

hey aedra...it happens most of the time when people meet each other....its a bonding thing i feel.....yes i feel you should leave your friend to choose times he feels like socialising.......you know...i really feel that friendship is forever regardless fo whether you socialise all the time or not it is not soemthign that goes away ......sometimes you might not see a person as much as you would like due totime or situation...... but when you eventually catch up its like you have never been apart so that to me is what true friendship is about...

 

 

from what you describe sounds like he has a real sweet person he is spending time with and you a wonderful friend who cares and misses him...lucky guy.......be happy for him...:0)....best wishes ..deb

[shellybing]

I figured at least somebody would perceived this post as being a jealous girl who has feelings for her male friend.

 

I just want make it clear yet again I have zero romantic interest in this friend. It was clear long ago our chemistry is more like siblings. He has said several times to me he sees me like a sister. He says he shares details about his life to nobody else but me and vice versa.

 

Of course, I am happy for him too. Made that pretty clear. Thank you though, I need to let him do this own thing.

 

I was not saying that you are a jealous girl, I am telling you to reassess how you feel. I suppose my post was misleading and short.

Men typcally spend more time with new lovers than with friends. Missing a birthday party or doing something else for once does not equate a co-dependant relationship. There are times when the birthday falls on an important day or on an anniversary, and while I understand it is upsetting, there is no reason to be upset with someone for missing a party. We are adults. Life gets busy, some of us have children, others have demanding jobs. There is absolutely no reason to blame this woman for the fact that -HE- did not show up. That was his choice.

 

People who are in new relationships sometimes wrap themselves up with eachother. I don't think it is a healthy habit, but that is typically what happens. It can be quite fascinating.

 

I do think platonic relationships can exist, and I am not one of those "needy jealous girlfriends." But it takes a hell of a relationship to withstand an opposite sex best friend, and there is just no way around that. Personally, being I've seen both ends of this, and Being the person with a best friend - you want to assert your independence, keep your friends, and your lover, deal with jealousy, and just be happy. You know that said person is not a threat.

 

On the other hand of this, if you are the one who is in objection of an opposite sex friend, there is the fact that boundaries exist in relationships, and even if platonic, some moments, boundaries, and certain things remain within the relationship. When your male friend is sharing important information and feelings with you, and not his partner it is perceived as a threat.

 

I am sure there is some happy medium there, but tbh relationships rarely withstand an opposite sex friend. That's just me. I get we are all adults here, but there are rules and these rules help protect our hearts and our lives from being torn apart, while we are in relationships.

 

I can't see anyone giving up a life long friend for a short term relationship, and if he missed your birthday, there are only three options I can think of.

A.) He was busy with his own life

B.) There was a good reason or minor emergency

C.) He doesn't care about you as much as you care about him.

[shellybing]

When a guy is missing birthday parties, family functions, and the like, it's a big red-flag that he's a codependent sort who is just easily whipped.

 

They typically turn up again after the relationship ends like little lost souls.

 

It can be frustrating to watch or be around, but you do have to just let them do their thing.

 

The best male friends really don't do this, btw.

 

 

My personal thought on this is that your partner SHOULD miss a birthday party or whatever it is if he already had plans with you. I don't think it is co dependant to put your partner ahead of your friends. That is what having a partner is about. I am a very independant person, and if I had plans with my boyfriend after work and he cancelled on me to attend a birthday with another woman, than I would certainly be angry. I adjusted my schedule already to accomodate, why would I be so easy to let that slide? It is not co-dependance, it is a matter of respect.

[basil67]

Shellybing makes a good point: Were his plans with her already made when you issued your party invitation? If so, it's poor form to pressure him into cancelling his existing plans.

[Bastile]

My personal thought on this is that your partner SHOULD miss a birthday party or whatever it is if he already had plans with you. I don't think it is co dependant to put your partner ahead of your friends. That is what having a partner is about. I am a very independant person, and if I had plans with my boyfriend after work and he cancelled on me to attend a birthday with another woman, than I would certainly be angry. I adjusted my schedule already to accomodate, why would I be so easy to let that slide? It is not co-dependance, it is a matter of respect.

 

As someone that has seen a bunch of friends and family do this, and has done it myself before, I can say that it certainly isn't healthy.

 

It is codependent. And often those men are attending everything their girlfriend wants them to attend.

 

Disappearing in that way is losing yourself to the relationship. Those types of guys have to rebuild everything over again when the relationship ends. When they break up, they look around realizing that they've let all of their other important relationships deteriorate, and those are the same people they need at such time as a break up.

[shellybing]

As someone that has seen a bunch of friends and family do this, and has done it myself before, I can say that it certainly isn't healthy.

 

It is codependent. And often those men are attending everything their girlfriend wants them to attend.

 

Disappearing in that way is losing yourself to the relationship. Those types of guys have to rebuild everything over again when the relationship ends. When they break up, they look around realizing that they've let all of their other important relationships deteriorate, and those are the same people they need at such time as a break up.

 

I agree that letting things go to **** for a relationship is not healthy. I have done that so many times and have had to apologize to my friends each time I have broken up with someone for this reason. I am lucky to have good friends who have been understanding.

 

I am saying, that there is going to be less time to hang out, as relationships often take precedence. It is one birthday, one time. If it becomes a problem, as a friend you can keep quiet and let it happen, or you can hold your ground and say hey, I see this happening, and it is affecting our friendship. I can also agree that this will cause tension on his relationship, and if it is too much for either of them to handle, then it will end. I am saying that maybe there is another time to hang out. Maybe this is him asserting that his obligations to his girlfriend are more important than his obligations to his friend. Maybe he just did not feel like it, and chose to stay home.

 

I personally don't like it when my partner hangs out with some random woman in a relationship, but that is what new relationships are like. You are a random woman to the new partner, and until you are not a random woman anymore, then there will be tension.

 

When people are in love, they like to go off on their own and make their own lives.

[skinwants]

I've been invited to a birthday party tonight for a "friend" who's apparently getting proposed to.

 

I'm starting to notice this all the more because my BFF is starting to disappear from me with her new boyfriend, and I'm in the midst of this exciting romance, but I still want to hang out with her. She was eager to hang out when he was on a business trip, but now it's radio silence.

[Aedra]

Shellybing makes a good point: Were his plans with her already made when you issued your party invitation? If so, it's poor form to pressure him into cancelling his existing plans.

 

Hey there. Just to clarify there was nothing they had planned from what I was made aware of. As soon as his girlfriend came online, he wanted to leave and spend time with her on the day of my birthday. What got under my skin was just how suddenly he changed his mind after he promised to come to my party a few days ago.

 

Anyways there has been alot of good advice and insight here, thank you to all. I'm going to put aside any expectations of our friendship at this point. As he met his ex long before we became close friends, I wasn't sure how a new girlfriend would change our dynamic. Our mutual friends agree he can be a bit too clingy for his own good and he'll probably disappear for a long time. At this point I'm just going protect my own feelings and let him be.

Edited August 10, 2017 by Aedra

[d0nnivain]

Personally I think that people who abandon longstanding friendships to pursue new romances are fair weather friends. Even in the face of a bright shiny new romance, you have a few minutes every two weeks to check in with an old friend. Maybe you no longer spend weekends hanging out & doing nothing but a phone call, a quick drink. . . it all fits. Like relationships, friendships need nurturing too. If some so called friend drops you like a hot potato for a new romance, that person wasn't much of a friend.

 

When the friendships are opposite gender, it's a little trickier because the person needs to assure the new SO that the friend is just a friend but if that is true, it's not that hard. I always made a point to be respectful of my buddies' new GF & my guy pals were protective but welcoming toward my BFs. I joke now that my buddies all threw me over in favor of being friends with my husband.

 

So I think your friend was badly behaved when he didn't initially want to come to your birthday party. A party makes a fun date. Even if they didn't stay the whole time, he should have made an appearance & not made you beg.

 

I wouldn't put a lot of effort into this friendship. You won't get it back. I'm not sure I'd be around to pick up the pieces if this relationship fizzles. If it makes the distance don't even count on a wedding invitation.

[preraph]

I agree with Bastile and Donnivain. I guess we've all had it happen. I had a friend who was so close that we were roommates at different places in our early 20s and just did a lot of exploring together and, and I never saw it coming until it happened. First she dated a guy and he was overly jealous and I thought she was doing the right thing getting away from him, and thought it was over. Then on NY Eve she and I were planning on doing something together, and he showed up out of the blue and literally carried her out of the house and took her with him and she just went along with it like an idiot. Then a couple years after that she had kids with a guy who was an alcoholic possessive idiot who immediately began isolating her by being ugly to her friends or causing trouble if she went and did anything not with him -- and that was it. Never saw her again.

 

Another friend who I wasn't as close to but I was kind of a big sister to disappeared on everyone when she moved in with a guy and then showed up in a panic when it turned violent between them (her too) after all they did was sit around and get high together holed up. So I advised her, but then she of course went back to him.

 

 

So I do think it's codependence but also women getting in abusive relationships and then trying to make them work.

 

I really can only think of one friend who bothers to keep up the friendship who is married with kids, and I know she has to make the effort but she does appreciate what friends she has left.

 

Recently one of my lunch buddies I've known for 40 years got a boyfriend and fell off the map. She will write occasionally, but he wants more time with her than she has energy for and has nothing left over for friends, I guess. She will email occasionally. That's not codependence. It's having no time and energy for everything and everyone. She's pretty introverted so she likes a lot of time to herself and he is always "tricking" her into letting him in on days she's asked to be left alone. I can't help wonder if they're now mated for life or if she will get tired of it eventually.

[shellybing]

I am the person who does not have a lot of time and energy for alot of people and friends. . .so I can relate.

 

I have been in seriously co-dependant relationships too, and see that they are un-healthy. I hate them. I like everything to be equal, and I like to be able to do as I please.

 

I am not the type of person who goes out alot, but I do appreciate alone time. I have been in relationships where I was having issues with that. It was because I did not go out with my friends alot, and so said person had to find something to pick on. Like what I was wearing, or because I spent too long in the bathroom.

 

I think we should worry about co-dependancy a little bit, but I think it is too soon to tell.

If it becomes an ongoing problem, I would say something if it were important enough.

[preraph]

For most people, there is such a thing as spending too much time with each other, and you get sick of each other and their little habits and start fighting. Think back when you were just a kid and how excited to have a friend sleep over, but then maybe by the next day, you were getting on each other's nerves and glad they were going. I've heard this called "cabin fever" because some of my old, old crowd were holed up in Colorado for the winters and so that's what we all ended up calling it.

 

It's not great to end up with NO boundaries with each other and to end up with NO privacy from each other. Most people can't deal with that for very long and need their own time and space to best appreciate the other.