travelbug1996 Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 Life is too short. Let it go....... be happy she didn't do it while you were married. Just imagine. You have a good marriage so don't eff it up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 (edited) Here is the reason you can't get over this. You had sex with friends, two to three at a time. She lie about her experience, only missionary. She also was a sold he body for money. I don't know of any man that would knowingly marry a woman that did what your wife had. It's not about the partners she has had, just that they paid her to have sex. Edited August 11, 2017 by usa1ah Changed wording. Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 Had you known about her being a prostitute, would you still have married her? Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 This was a part of her past that was short-lived, she clearly regrets it but at the time it helped her situation. After all these years and a great relationship - I do understand the angst from hearing it on your part OP - but over and above all of that I think you should turn this around in your mind - she loved you enough to tell you. She knew it would cause some doubt and a ripple or two but I think you need to realise that it shows just how much she loves and trusts you. You reciprocated with stories of your own - she had a few ripples over those but ya see - she (from the sound of it) isn't dwelling on them. This whole situation could absolutely bring you two closer if you change your own thinking about it. It was all in the past and way before you met. 6 months of struggling just doesn't compare to 24 years of a great relationship. I actually think you're a very lucky man and should feel proud of her for surviving and growing through and out of what will have been a really awful situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 While she got rid of her guilt , she has created issues in her existing life. Better place would have been the church or doing some charity work. Some stuff is better left in the past. Therapy could have been another option. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 Being upfront about it and why at the beginning would have been best. She knew the telling could have killed the relationship at the start. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ARAMCOMAN Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 I believe wholeheartedly that the OP's M will survive. What I don't agree with is an almost unanimous chorus of how what he did, having threesomes and banging married women is somehow equivalent to being a prostitute. Yep what he did is disgusting but then we could call most people who go clubbing with the sole intent of hooking up with someone disgusting and basically prostitutes. Unfortunately in my books standing on a street corner & charging 100 bucks an hour of fornication can no way be compared to a young guy or woman having a threesome. What if the shoe was on the other foot & it was the OP telling his W that he was a pimp for a few months before they were married and he had three regular girls & a few return customers. He didn't want to do it but his ex left him with two kids and he had no other job skills. Shouldn't your future spouse be privy to this info or is it ok to keep it hidden for the next 30 years. Seriously I do not think all would be as kind to the OP. Double standard. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 (edited) Personally I would appreciate it if people didn't get so huffy and eager to call other people's experiences "disgusting" just because they're things you wouldn't personally have done... or at least think you wouldn't. What if the shoe was on the other foot & it was the OP telling his W that he was a pimp for a few months before they were married and he had three regular girls & a few return customers. He didn't want to do it but his ex left him with two kids and he had no other job skills. You might want to examine your underlying assumptions here if you think the flipside is a man being a pimp and not him being a prostitute. Most commonly happens with teenage males who are completely desperate and have no other skills to offer. Edited August 11, 2017 by somanymistakes 4 Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 Here is the reason you can't get over this. You had sex with friends, two to three at a time. She lie about her experience, only missionary. She also was a sold he body for money. I don't know of any man that would knowingly marry a woman that did what your wife had. It's not about the partners she has had, just that they paid her to have sex. He gave his body away for free to multiple people at a time. Uh what's the difference? OP don't get caught up about the money. I'm not making excuses for her but the pot can't call the kettle black meaning both of you did things you're not proud of. You don't get to judge her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 Unfortunately in my books standing on a street corner & charging 100 bucks an hour of fornication can no way be compared to a young guy or woman having a threesome. BUT that IS NOT what she did, so stop creating straw men. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
JHandy Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 What these two did in their past was nothing wrong. Their circumstances led them to these choices. When a man loses his marriage he does adventurous things to prove to himself he's still got it. A woman in a desperate situation will use what she has to make ends meet and to feed her child. I don't fault her for her choice. I'm not opposed to prostitution and it it were legal, the dangers surrounding it would go away. She seemed to have made very wise choices and kept her risk level to a minimum. I see a very intelligent and efficient woman who did the best she could for herself and her child. Both limited these times to an absolute minimum. The OP got it out of his system. The wife got on her feet. Both got where they needed to to get ready to meet each other. What ever they did formed the fabric that each other was drawn to. A person cannot hide who they are for 25 plus years. She liked him because he had an excitement within him that could lead to fantasies bring fulfilled. He saw qualities in her in much the same way. To some women, his prowess is very attractive. And in some subliminal way it may have been true with her. To men in general the characteristics and courage a woman has to have to be an escort is highly attractive - otherwise the occupation wouldn't be the oldest profession on earth. These two were very likely attracted to what they did not see but was there blaring brightly in front of them. It is a shame they didn't tell each other their stories 25 years ago. The life experiences they could have shared would have been, perhaps for them, richer - who knows. But nevertheless they found a common ground and had a rich life regardless. I think both did themselves far more harm running from each of their pasts with extreme judgement towards themselves than they did to each other 3 months ago. The things I'd be thinking of is the opportunities lost. It's just one more hidden regret. How they go from here will require the highest level of courage and desire for excitement they have ever wanted in their lives. They just learned that they may have much more common ground. They can't get there if we continue the judgement on their past. We shouldn't say one person's act was worse than the other. It's just opinion. They have as much in opportunity as they have in finding resolution. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 Had you known about her being a prostitute, would you still have married her? He just said it wouldn't have changed his feelings about her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 I believe wholeheartedly that the OP's M will survive. What I don't agree with is an almost unanimous chorus of how what he did, having threesomes and banging married women is somehow equivalent to being a prostitute. Yep what he did is disgusting but then we could call most people who go clubbing with the sole intent of hooking up with someone disgusting and basically prostitutes. Unfortunately in my books standing on a street corner & charging 100 bucks an hour of fornication can no way be compared to a young guy or woman having a threesome. What if the shoe was on the other foot & it was the OP telling his W that he was a pimp for a few months before they were married and he had three regular girls & a few return customers. He didn't want to do it but his ex left him with two kids and he had no other job skills. Shouldn't your future spouse be privy to this info or is it ok to keep it hidden for the next 30 years. Seriously I do not think all would be as kind to the OP. Double standard. Have you even bothered to read every post from start to finish before you decided to respond?? Lawd have mercy. I think people who are going to come super hot and heavy should at least READ the ENTIRE bloody thread to know what has already been said and revealed and confirmed and by none other than the OP himself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 OP, it has been great to read your posts and see how you are processing the info your wife told you. I am so happy to read of the love and joy you and your wife have had in your marriage for twenty-four years! That's refreshing and fantastic! The two of you have found a treasure in each other! Go for it with another twenty-four! To me, pride, hatred and hypocrisy are worse than prostitution or threesomes, for often the person who is prideful (among other things looks down their nose at others for poor choices they've made) never realizes their need of change and becomes a judgmental condemning bitter person that no one wants to be around, whereas your wife realized her need of change, actually did it, and has become a lovely person to be married to! Good for her and good for you both! . It's hard for me to read posts of disgust for prostitutes (or threesomes) though I've done neither. (I mention that only because I don't want to appear to be writing that in defense, not because I think I'm better than, because I'm certainly no better.) I am thankful for God's mercy on me as I've had and still have much need for forgiveness and help from Him in order to be a better person! Wishing you more of the wonderful life you share with your wife and encouraging you on your journey of working through this information with her! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 My take on this may not be what other like, but I think when you decide to marry, a dump of your past should happen. I do not think is needs to be full of the gory details, but each should have a good idea of the other past. Especially things that may come out later that have the possibility of hurting the marriage. Does not have to be sexual. "Hey, was arrested several time for drugs" or " had a a couple of DUI s". Of course LTR's and other marriages, children from them need to be brought up. Point is, you both should have a good idea of the others past, but respecting it happened in the past, and you are marring the person in the here and now. I do think, if there is child abuse in the past that, really needs to brought up, and dealt with. I think we get the idea. BTW, I am not equating these action as if they are all equal. I am just pointing out, that knowing your spouses past is a good thing, and that the idea that each should keep their past a secrets does not work. The OP finding out his wife worked as a escort, should have been brought out much later. They have been lucky that this has not been an issue, but left in the past. Myself, I would not want to find out, by someone, or some how, other then my wife. The fact that she has come clean now is good, and I hope the OP appreciates the courage for her to do so now. Anything in a marriage can be handled, dealt with, and worked though, if both have honesty and do not keep secrets. Many job require a back ground check, and the deal is, if you confess up front, usually that is put aside. It is the "secrets" that get you denied employment or a new position. I do not know what the OP and his wife do, but wonder if her past has held them back at some point. (or his for that mater). Knowing is best. I have always stated, more then once, that the sexual past of each should be left in the past, unless it impact the here and now, and then it should be disclosed. Taking the two, him having consensual group sex, will really not impact them now. Being an Ex-escort, could. AS for the OP getting over the information, I think we need to give him a break. Just as we should give her children if they ever find out. It does take some mental work, and we should support him is trying to come to terms with this. Him know she has been a faithful and loving wife goes a long way, and he should remind himself that people change and she has lived the change. This, like all other things of the heart, will take time. It can be overcome. I would suggest that they talk it out, and work on it that way. I wish them luck..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 (edited) This thread is becoming high entertainment. It's interesting to see the posters dividing into 4 camps. Those that think the woman did nothing wrong. Those that think the guy did nothing wrong. Those that think one or the other did nothing wrong, but not both. And, of course, those that the three camps are slogging it off with, those that think the entire thing is wrong... Remember guys, we want a clean fight. Shake hands and come out swinging at the sound of the bell... Edited August 11, 2017 by Poutrew 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JHandy Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 This thread is becoming high entertainment. It's interesting to see the posters dividing into 4 camps. Those that think the woman did nothing wrong. Those that think the guy did nothing wrong. Those that think one or the other did nothing wrong, but not both. And, of course, those that the three camps are slogging it off with, those that think the entire thing is wrong... Remember guys, we want a clean fight. Shake hands and come out swinging at the sound of the bell... It's not what happened 25 plus years ago with either of them. It's what happened 3 months ago when she wanted to disclose her past and the OP made a big mistake with his reaction. The solution sought is where he goes from here. Of the 4 camps you speak of, the OP is in the camp where he believes she did nothing wrong. He also doesn't seem fixated about his past either. From what he says, his wife doesn't seem to be concerned about the past either. He's very concerned how much he hurt his wife 3 months ago. The only important person regarding these 4 camps of yours is the OP. There need not be a slam fest. Our differing opinions of their pasts really doesn't matter at this point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rbs56 Posted August 11, 2017 Author Share Posted August 11, 2017 (edited) I do not know what the OP and his wife do, but wonder if her past has held them back at some point. (or his for that mater). Knowing is best. Our job that we do together requires yearly background checks and drug testing. A couple years back when we were drug tested the lab asked if we wanted to be tested for any STD's, we both laughed because we new the outcome but we said sure, we are clean if anyone was wondering. Edited August 11, 2017 by rbs56 spelling 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rbs56 Posted August 11, 2017 Author Share Posted August 11, 2017 The only important person regarding these 4 camps of yours is the OP. There need not be a slam fest. Our differing opinions of their pasts really doesn't matter at this point. Since I'm the OP, my take is we were both wrong for keeping secrets. The secrets happened years before we met. Had she told me while we were dating I would not have left her, she struck a special spot in my heart that showed me there was something very special and true about her and the longer we dated we feel totally in love with each other. When I asked her if she would still be here if I would of told her up front about my past she said "probably not and that would have been the biggest mistake of her life!". So, my problem is, I want to talk to her but I don't want to push her or force her and I want to control my feelings so I don't say something hurtful to her just out of spite. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JHandy Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 Since I'm the OP, my take is we were both wrong for keeping secrets. The secrets happened years before we met. Had she told me while we were dating I would not have left her, she struck a special spot in my heart that showed me there was something very special and true about her and the longer we dated we feel totally in love with each other. When I asked her if she would still be here if I would of told her up front about my past she said "probably not and that would have been the biggest mistake of her life!". So, my problem is, I want to talk to her but I don't want to push her or force her and I want to control my feelings so I don't say something hurtful to her just out of spite. I think you both need to talk about the past including the great years of your marriage. It's all you! But when you feel you're going to say something bad. It's time to just listen. You can also pause in the conversation from time to time and go out and walk hand in hand. Just tell her you need to process. Let her know she can pause to process as well. You're doing fine! Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 They are not past it. He's not sleeping and steadily losing weight. He's repressing and needs to work through it on Love Shack. No, if it is that bad, he needs to work with a qualified MC or IC. We get it. YOU think he should dump or castigate her. He's not going to. You should work on whyever it is this is so important to YOU, because the 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anduina Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 We get it. YOU think he should dump or castigate her. He's not going to. You should work on whyever it is this is so important to YOU, because theNo I don't think any of this. This is what you did to me in my thread. Misconstrued everything. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 (edited) He gave his body away for free to multiple people at a time. Uh what's the difference? OP don't get caught up about the money. I'm not making excuses for her but the pot can't call the kettle black meaning both of you did things you're not proud of. You don't get to judge her. [] Not judging the wife, just explaining why he might be having a hard time with it. If that is what she had to do to support her kids, so be. Damn her family and friends for not being there for her. Do you dare come at me like this. I know first hand as child what she must have been going through. I can understand a mom doing just about anything for her children. The facts are still the same. He knew the girls he was with. She sold her body to strangers. Lot of men would have a problem with this. Edited August 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Member requested edit Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 I also know what it is like to have a mom disappear for a day to party with her friends and leave small kids wondering where she is. Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 I also know what it is like to have a mom disappear for a day to party with her friends and leave small kids wondering where she is. Why do you assume she did this? OP, I applaud your healthy character. Just keep open communication. You and your wife will get through this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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