Wife gave me some shocking info about her past

[JHandy]

I would be concerned if, during my marriage with her, if she seemed to have more money than you could account for her having. I would be thinking if she really did give up the prostitution... is the life I have with her an illusion?

 

Really?

 

In a 24 year marriage?

 

Why not come out and tell the guy he's the stupidest person on earth?

 

If your spouse is an escort, you would know within a year. This guy wouldn't be here asking about what to do. He would be putting a lot of events together and would already be talking to a lawyer. Being an escort is hard to hide over a long time. And no one wants to be an escort for too long anyway. She's happily married.

[Poutrew]

Really?

 

In a 24 year marriage?

 

Why not come out and tell the guy he's the stupidest person on earth?

 

If your spouse is an escort, you would know within a year. This guy wouldn't be here asking about what to do. He would be putting a lot of events together and would already be talking to a lawyer. Being an escort is hard to hide over a long time. And no one wants to be an escort for too long anyway. She's happily married.

 

No JHandy. You would know within a year. I would know before I married her. But that's you and I. If she gave up the business, and only saw her repeats every once in a while, for 500 - 1000 a pop, she could very well continue the activity for years and years.... The question I have is why now? Why after a quarter century of being buried did she choose right now to unburden herself? She was fine with keeping this secret for so long, and could have continued keeping it for the rest of her life, but, no, she finally decides it is wrong to withhold information from her husband. There is something else at work here... unfortunately, this sounds like damage control to me.

[Cephalopod]

You did disgusting crap things and lied by omission, she did disgusting crap things and lied by omission. You're even.

 

Now you can both be adults and move on and think in terms of 24 happy years instead of the other stuff.

 

That is what adults do.

 

Retroactive jealousy is for sissies. Seriously.

 

 

 

Having a threesome a few times with some women hardly equals prostitution. And yeah, fooling around with a married woman was a dick move.

 

 

But prostitution? That is on a whole other level entirely, and it is stupid to even try to equate them.

 

 

Be that as it may, the problem here is that he married her under false pretenses. She lied to him by omission.

 

 

By not telling him of her sordid past, prior to their marriage, she took away his freedom of choice. He had no obligation to marry her, but did so under the assumption she had no hideous skeletons buried in her back yard. What if she had an undiagnosed STD? She could have passed that on to him and he would have been none the wiser.

 

 

Let me ask you something. If you married a man and found out after many years of marriage that ten years prior to meeting him he had been arrested for statutory rape for having a six-month long sexual affair with a willing 16 year old girl, did some jail time and probation for it, and forgot to mention this, how would you feel?

 

 

If I were OP I would be pissed as hell. He has every right to be pissed off at her. This is no double standard...at all. Breaking the law is breaking the law, whether you agree with the law or not.

 

 

There are a lot of single women out there who have kids who are hurting and short on money who DON'T become prostitutes. They find other ways to get by and she could have too.

[OneLov]

... The question I have is why now? Why after a quarter century of being buried did she choose right now to unburden herself? She was fine with keeping this secret for so long, and could have continued keeping it for the rest of her life, but, no, she finally decides it is wrong to withhold information from her husband. There is something else at work here... unfortunately, this sounds like damage control to me.

 

Maybe it is damage control...but maybe it's not. Your conclusion is simply a conjecture. It is possible but no more likely than the myriad of other possibilities. I don't see it as a smoking gun but one of many rabbit holes OP could find himself going down if he lets his imagination run wild.

 

Why did OP need to unburden himself? Is he still participating in weekly group sex sessions because he did decades ago? I think there's a simpler explanation to his revelation, but I can't say it is almost certain. See where this is going?

[Cephalopod]

Really?

 

In a 24 year marriage?

 

Why not come out and tell the guy he's the stupidest person on earth?

 

If your spouse is an escort, you would know within a year. This guy wouldn't be here asking about what to do. He would be putting a lot of events together and would already be talking to a lawyer. Being an escort is hard to hide over a long time. And no one wants to be an escort for too long anyway. She's happily married.

 

And I'll bet you anything she has a rap sheet. She had to have gotten busted for it at least once.

[OneLov]

So the acceptance of compensation is what makes her actions worse? So if his wife just hooked up with random dudes or even had three guys run train on her, then it should totally be no big deal because it would then be equivalent?

[Cephalopod]

So the acceptance of compensation is what makes her actions worse? So if his wife just hooked up with random dudes or even had three guys run train on her, then it should totally be no big deal because it would then be equivalent?

 

 

 

Yeah... it is worse because what she did was a crime, and even if she was never arrested, stuff like that comes back to bite people in the ass. It always does. Her prostitution is something that could seriously harm both of them economically and socially if it were to come to light.

[JHandy]

No JHandy. You would know within a year. I would know before I married her. But that's you and I. If she gave up the business, and only saw her repeats every once in a while, for 500 - 1000 a pop, she could very well continue the activity for years and years.... The question I have is why now? Why after a quarter century of being buried did she choose right now to unburden herself? She was fine with keeping this secret for so long, and could have continued keeping it for the rest of her life, but, no, she finally decides it is wrong to withhold information from her husband. There is something else at work here... unfortunately, this sounds like damage control to me.

 

It's all assumptions that make for a sensational story but the reality is, he would know. Especially after being told. In the 3 months he would have been able to put the prices together. Even if she was continuing the practice with precision and a client was threatening her, she only told the story of the past. She's still vulnerable.

 

Why now? A 24 year marriage and a year or two between marriages plus the other marriage and 18 years of childhood puts these people in their 50's or even 60's. You start looking back over your life and see what you've done.

 

Her guilt may have always been there. Sometimes people want to unload. I've felt that way. I've done some terrible things in my life and I did unload to my wife. And I'm better for it. People do that kind of stuff. While we are assuming, what if she was diagnosed with a disease and is trying to make peace with herself.

 

Even if her interludes were few and few in between, for her to continue would have left traces throughout unexplainable incidents. Once he was told, boom! Those become explainable.

 

But I will take your assumption raise ny assumption. What if the guy wants to have another threesone or has already had one recently due to his fear of getting old. Now he's projecting his shame on her.

 

Whatever.

 

All we are doing is wrapping sensational fiction around a real situation of a marriage crumbling. All we can go on is what he said.

 

Both need to do some serious work here.

 

He's been told pretty much what he needs. Both did things the other doesn't like. They need to get over it. They had 24 years of a strong marriage. They have something to fight for.

 

Making up scenarios isn't going to help.

[JHandy]

Yeah... it is worse because what she did was a crime, and even if she was never arrested, stuff like that comes back to bite people in the ass. It always does. Her prostitution is something that could seriously harm both of them economically and socially if it were to come to light.

 

Way past the statutes of limitations. This isn't prosecutable. Plus, who is going to press charges? She likely did it under an alias for cash. 25 years later it would be impossible to prove. There is zero risk.

[GorillaTheater]

Yeah... it is worse because what she did was a crime, and even if she was never arrested, stuff like that comes back to bite people in the ass. It always does. Her prostitution is something that could seriously harm both of them economically and socially if it were to come to light.

 

 

I'd be pretty gobsmacked if my wife told be she hooked for while before we met, but it wouldn't be because it was a crime. A first-time offender in Texas would only pull a Class B misdemeanor, something like a more-serious-than-average traffic tickets. Hell, I probably have a felony or three lurking around from my misspent youth that I was never caught for.

 

 

It's not like I would divorce her for it, not after 24 years of marriage, but yeah, it might take a while for me to wrap my head around it.

[knabe]

OP, what kind of man do you want to be?

 

Do you want to be a man who judges the wife in front of him by her 24 years of faithfulness, her motherhood, her track record as a wife?

 

Or do you want to join the range of damaged men who have learned to view all women with skepticism and disdain? Because these are basically your 2 choices.

 

I know which kind of man I respect....and which ones I pity.

[BluesPower]

I find this interesting.

 

So it's perfectly fine and dandy to go off and f*ck a total stranger in the bathroom stall at some grimy bar night after night or entertain threesomes in whatever combinations, participate in gang bangs, lie and cheat, or choosing to engage in an affair with a married partner for free yet when money is exchanged it's somehow immoral?

 

Seriously?

 

Give me a break

 

We usually agree... on most things.

 

You will never convince me that lying, which she did, about being a prostitute is on the same level and the stuff we did when we were young and maybe middle aged.

 

That is just silly.

 

Do you think a girl that I was marrying that I met at a swinger party might want to know that I had been an escort at one time? (Hypothetical BTW) Yeah, I think she might.

 

And I have mixed emotions about prostitution in general. While I have never and would never participate in it, there are two sides to this issue.

 

On one hand you could make the case that any person is free to do with their body what they wish.

 

On the other hand, people that engage in prostitution inevitably are damaged by it. That is not even mentioning human trafficking, or any forced prostitution which is a whole other issue.

 

What I am saying is that is a piece of information that should have come out at the beginning IMHO.

[GunslingerRoland]

You knew she had a wild 6 months. You probably had some idea that she slept with a lot of men during that time. You had a similar period in your life.

 

The only thing she kept from you was the money aspect. Given the amount of time that took place before she met you, I think you need to figure out how to let it go.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'd be pretty gobsmacked if my wife told be she hooked for while before we met, but it wouldn't be because it was a crime. A first-time offender in Texas would only pull a Class B misdemeanor, something like a more-serious-than-average traffic tickets. Hell, I probably have a felony or three lurking around from my misspent youth that I was never caught for.

 

It's not like I would divorce her for it, not after 24 years of marriage, but yeah, it might take a while for me to wrap my head around it.

 

I think it's absolutely natural and even expected for a partner to be somewhat stunned by ANY admission from the past that goes beyond the sexual norm, particularly their own norm as a couple.

 

I object to the fact that she is being judged harshly for something that had nothing to do with him, and has no baring on her ability to be an attentive, loyal and loving partner, wife and mother.

 

 

Would it have been better or less traumatizing for the OP had his wife admitted to swinging or participated in an orgy or frequented sex clubs with an ex?

 

Is it the compensation that is so disturbing or the number of sexual partners?

Edited August 10, 2017 by Michelle ma Belle

[GorillaTheater]

I think it's absolutely natural and even expected for a partner to be somewhat stunned by ANY admission from the past that goes beyond the sexual norm, particularly their own norm as a couple.

 

I object to the fact that she is being judged harshly for something that had nothing to do with him, and has no baring on her ability to be an attentive, loyal and loving partner, wife and mother.

 

 

Would it have been better or less traumatizing for the OP had his wife admitted to swinging or participated in an orgy or frequented sex clubs with an ex?

 

Is it the compensation that is so disturbing or the number of sexual partners?

 

 

I don't know, Michelle. As far as I know my wife didn't do any of that stuff, either, so while I'd be surprised I don't know how it would compare.

 

 

I don't know how to put it other than hooking seems low class. I'd be surprised if my wife did anything that could be considered low class for a sustained period of time. I imagine I'd come to terms with it just fine once I worked through it, but it wouldn't be immediately.

[JHandy]

Would it have been better or less traumatizing for the OP had his wife admitted to swinging or participated in an orgy or frequented sex clubs with an ex?

 

Prostitution is far more "normal" than swinging, orgies and sex clubs IMHO.

 

As they say, to each their own. There's a place for anything if a person wants it.

 

I hate when people who hate such things tells others they can't do it either.

 

I hate pistachio ice cream. I will never say you can't have it.

 

Both these two had experiences that to them were awesome at the time. He was involved with babe orgies. What guy wouldn't like that? She had a "Girlfriend Experience " type of life for 6 months. If looked at in a certain way, I applaud both. Id give both a very high - high five.

 

They need to lay off each other and maybe enjoy each other's stories.

 

I lived an extremely vanilla life and at times I wish I had something to tell. With my wife, I'm catching up.

[elaine567]

 

By not telling him of her sordid past, prior to their marriage, she took away his freedom of choice. He had no obligation to marry her, but did so under the assumption she had no hideous skeletons buried in her back yard. What if she had an undiagnosed STD? She could have passed that on to him and he would have been none the wiser.

 

He didn't tell of his "sordid" past either, he took away her freedom of choice. She had no obligation to marry him, but did so under the assumption he had no hideous skeletons buried in his back yard. What if he had an undiagnosed STD? He could have passed that on to her and she would have been none the wiser.

Just because he was getting threesomes and foursomes for free, does not mean he was at less risk of getting an STI???

 

It is very obvious that as a man he can do no wrong, yet she is seen as the devil incarnate...

[Michelle ma Belle]

I don't know, Michelle. As far as I know my wife didn't do any of that stuff, either, so while I'd be surprised I don't know how it would compare.

 

 

I don't know how to put it other than hooking seems low class. I'd be surprised if my wife did anything that could be considered low class for a sustained period of time. I imagine I'd come to terms with it just fine once I worked through it, but it wouldn't be immediately.

 

I don't recall the OP saying she was 'hooking' or that she stood on some street corner soliciting men as they drove by.

 

She admitted to working for an escort company. Same thing, just fancier title? Who the hell knows.

 

OP, is that what's bothering? Low class hooking versus high end escort? Would that make a difference?

[Michelle ma Belle]

He didn't tell of his "sordid" past either, he took away her freedom of choice. She had no obligation to marry him, but did so under the assumption he had no hideous skeletons buried in his back yard. What if he had an undiagnosed STD? He could have passed that on to her and she would have been none the wiser.

Just because he was getting threesomes and foursomes for free, does not mean he was at less risk of getting an STI???

 

It is very obvious that as a man he can do no wrong, yet she is seen as the devil incarnate...

 

Precisely. Double standards at play here.

[knabe]

It is very obvious that as a man he can do no wrong, yet she is seen as the devil incarnate...

 

I'm surprised this surprises you. And yes, it IS relevant because it colors advice.

 

Period.

[SammySammy]

I think it's absolutely natural and even expected for a partner to be somewhat stunned by ANY admission from the past that goes beyond the sexual norm, particularly their own norm as a couple.

 

I object to the fact that she is being judged harshly for something that had nothing to do with him, and has no baring on her ability to be an attentive, loyal and loving partner, wife and mother.

 

 

Would it have been better or less traumatizing for the OP had his wife admitted to swinging or participated in an orgy or frequented sex clubs with an ex?

 

Is it the compensation that is so disturbing or the number of sexual partners?

 

It's the M/W complex.

 

It's a false belief that sets men up for failure and disappointment. Men expecting their wives to be a madonna (or as close as possible) and not being able to accept or respect a woman who is not a madonna.

 

It leads women to not reveal how many partners they've had or what they really like in the bedroom for fear of being judged.

 

And it doesn't work for either party.

 

Happy relationship for 24 years. To all of this turmoil because she revealed something about her past.

 

Notice how having DONE the act didn't affect the relationship. Him knowing about it does. The act itself is irrelevant. Judgment is the problem.

[Michelle ma Belle]

It's the M/W complex.

 

It's a false belief that sets men up for failure and disappointment. Men expecting their wives to be a madonna (or as close as possible) and not being able to accept or respect a woman who is not a madonna.

 

It leads women to not reveal how many partners they've had or what they really like in the bedroom for fear of being judged.

 

And it doesn't work for either party.

 

Happy relationship for 24 years. To all of this turmoil because she revealed something about her past.

 

Notice how having DONE the act didn't affect the relationship. Him knowing about it does. The act itself is irrelevant. Judgment is the problem.

 

Abso-f*cking-lutely. Worth a repost.

[JHandy]

I don't recall the OP saying she was 'hooking' or that she stood on some street corner soliciting men as they drove by.

 

She admitted to working for an escort company. Same thing, just fancier title? Who the hell knows.

 

OP, is that what's bothering? Low class hooking versus high end escort? Would that make a difference?

 

He said she was taking jobs on the side. At $500 a pop 25 or more years ago, that's not low class. Watch a few episodes of "The Girlfriend Experience" that's what she was. 15 guys in 6 months with a few repeats? That wasn't really hooking.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I still want to hear from the OP what exactly he's having problems with...the fact that she received compensation for sex or the number of sexual partners she supposedly would have had, or is it the madonna/whore complex as MKD suggested?

Edited August 10, 2017 by Michelle ma Belle

[JHandy]

I still want to hear from the OP what exactly he's having problems with...the fact that she received compensation for sex or the number of sexual partners she supposedly would have had, or is it the madonna/whore complex as MKD suggested?

 

Regardless of the complex, 24 years of a happy marriage should matter more.

 

If he lets this go completely and totally accepts her as she, him, both will have an even happier marriage.