Wife gave me some shocking info about her past

[harrybrown]

Hope you enjoy the journey.

 

maybe you were feeling like you could not compete with all of her partners.

 

But glad that you see after so long that you are so lucky.

 

Good for you on the box gift of love notes.

 

keep up the good work.

[somanymistakes]

It's not possible to unsee or unhear. His marriage will never be the same again since it was premised on a fabrication of persona. This he has to accept. Next he has to accept who she really is. Then he has to fall in love with who she really is. If he can't, then he can't.

 

If every time you find out something about a person that happened thirty or forty years ago you have to throw out all those years and start over, I'm not sure how any relationship is supposed to thrive.

 

"Actually, I had a pet when I was young."

[anduina]

If every time you find out something about a person that happened thirty or forty years ago you have to throw out all those years and start over, I'm not sure how any relationship is supposed to thrive.

 

"Actually, I had a pet when I was young."

Evidently, having a pet is equivalent to the confession of prostitution.

 

If he confessed to having cheated on her when they were dating, would you negate her feelings of concern?

[JHandy]

It's not possible to unsee or unhear. His marriage will never be the same again since it was premised on a fabrication of persona. This he has to accept. Next he has to accept who she really is. Then he has to fall in love with who she really is. If he can't, then he can't.

 

No his marriage will never be the same. From what he is saying it may be stronger and closer without the baggage they have been hiding from each other getting in the way.

 

I strongly suspect the fabricated persona occurred in that 6 months over 24 years ago. Their relationship began on what they brought to the table and they grew from that. That's the real persona for both of them. The last 24 years is the real persona. You can't fake a 24 year happy marriage.

 

I think he knows who she really is. This 6-month period is not who she is. If it was, they would not be married. He loves her.

 

Like I said, they are past this.

 

They are trying to get past what occurred 3 months ago.

[anduina]

No his marriage will never be the same. From what he is saying it may be stronger and closer without the baggage they have been hiding from each other getting in the way.

 

I strongly suspect the fabricated persona occurred in that 6 months over 24 years ago. Their relationship began on what they brought to the table and they grew from that. That's the real persona for both of them. The last 24 years is the real persona. You can't fake a 24 year happy marriage.

 

I think he knows who she really is. This 6-month period is not who she is. If it was, they would not be married. He loves her.

 

Like I said, they are past this.

 

They are trying to get past what occurred 3 months ago.

They are not past it. He's not sleeping and steadily losing weight. He's repressing and needs to work through it on Love Shack.

[JHandy]

They are not past it. He's not sleeping and steadily losing weight. He's repressing and needs to work through it on Love Shack.

 

He seems to be struggling with what he did 3 months ago. He knows he hurt her. And they are not talking.

[anduina]

He seems to be struggling with what he did 3 months ago. He knows he hurt her. And they are not talking.

What did he do to her three months ago and where did he say they're not talking? Are we reading the same thread?

 

They stopped talking about their confessions three months ago but she's fine and he's not.

[elaine567]

They stopped talking about their confessions three months ago but she's fine and he's not.

 

We don't actually know how she is really feeling, she is acting "normal", is all we can say here.

[anduina]

We don't actually know how she is really feeling, she is acting "normal", is all we can say here.

That's fair although he adds 'happy' and 'loving'.

[somanymistakes]

Evidently, having a pet is equivalent to the confession of prostitution.

 

If he confessed to having cheated on her when they were dating, would you negate her feelings of concern?

 

If she cheated on him when they were dating, then she would have actually been false to him during their relationship. I would still counsel them to forgive if it was brief and a long time ago, personally, because I don't think you should hold people's failures over them forever, but I would understand that it would be a big upset because it would require looking back at a time that they were actually together and realising that things were not as they seemed.

 

This is something that happened long before they ever got together. It had nothing to do with him or their relationship. It is not at all equivalent to cheating during a relationship.

 

Obviously having a pet is not equivalent to prostitution but many people did something unusual briefly in their past. Many people tried drugs once as teenagers and never again. If you find that out, that doesn't mean that a druggie is "who they really are".

[anduina]

If she cheated on him when they were dating, then she would have actually been false to him during their relationship. I would still counsel them to forgive if it was brief and a long time ago, personally, because I don't think you should hold people's failures over them forever, but I would understand that it would be a big upset because it would require looking back at a time that they were actually together and realising that things were not as they seemed.

 

This is something that happened long before they ever got together. It had nothing to do with him or their relationship. It is not at all equivalent to cheating during a relationship.

 

Obviously having a pet is not equivalent to prostitution but many people did something unusual briefly in their past. Many people tried drugs once as teenagers and never again. If you find that out, that doesn't mean that a druggie is "who they really are".

What happens if they were an addict for six months?

 

In my opinion, it's better that he work through this issue which includes factoring everything in. Attempting to skate over the issue through repression is exactly why he's in his current state. We can't minimalize his negative feelings away. He deserves better from Love Shack.

[rbs56]

I think concealed is a very strong word and inaccurate at best.

 

By all accounts she did not go out of her way to hide her secret or concoct stories and lies to hide her past. If anything, she planted the seed long ago with her comment about being drunk for 6 months. Perhaps she was hoping her hubby would pick up on that and question her further until she was able to to share that part of her life. But he didn't.

 

Again, an opening that got lost.

 

Perhaps more clarity is required around that night his wife blurted out her past. I can't imagine is was quite as dramatic or out of the blue as he is making it out to be. And if it was, I'm willing to bet there was something in their exchange that day or even days before unbeknownst to him that prompted her to take advantage and say what she's been wanting to say for a very long time.

 

I did think about that a couple of weeks ago, I remembered her saying that about the 6 months and wondered if at that time she wanted me to press on and ask questions but at that time I didn't. I am done with analyzing that part, I love her and I cherish our relationship more than anything in this world and I know we have something special that most people don't have and maybe never will. I just want to get my mind and emotions back on track, it's only fair to her and myself.

[elaine567]

I think most people in long term relationships are really uncomfortable with their partner's past sexual history and it is why most will skim over it, not ask too many questions and instead concentrate on the here and now.

They do not want to hear the gory details and most know if they delve too deep they will be disappointed, depressed, distressed or disgusted, so they tend to put their head in the sand and not want to know.

 

Even those who think they are pretty liberal or relaxed with their sexuality can get shocked when they find out the real truth, so it is usually best just not to go there.

 

Here, these revelations from both could ruin this rock solid marriage.

I am just not sure why she decided to go there now and open the can of worms.

Maybe an old client was going to "out" her perhaps and she felt she had no choice...

[rbs56]

You're making up excuses. She wasn't the person that he thought he married because she hid something from him. Now that she's revealed it, he has every right to reassess.

 

It's true that she had the right to confess. But what isn't true is that she doesn't have the right to acceptance. That's his right, not hers.

 

I'm sorry, but she is the person I thought she was and she still is. I know most of us have skeletons in the closet, people do change. When she decided to stop she married a man 16 yrs older than her, she thought he was mature and stable. Well he turned out to be physically and verbally abusive, very controlling. The physically abuse stopped about 3 yrs into the marriage when he started on one of his rants and she gave him 8 stitches to the back of his head with one of those heavy glass ashtrays but the verbal abuse and the controlling continued. She got out after 12 years.

I'm not that type of person and I refuse to put her through that, besides, she has never given me any reason to doubt how she feels about me and our relationship and to me that's the bottom line.

[anduina]

I'm sorry, but she is the person I thought she was and she still is. I know most of us have skeletons in the closet, people do change. When she decided to stop she married a man 16 yrs older than her, she thought he was mature and stable. Well he turned out to be physically and verbally abusive, very controlling. The physically abuse stopped about 3 yrs into the marriage when he started on one of his rants and she gave him 8 stitches to the back of his head with one of those heavy glass ashtrays but the verbal abuse and the controlling continued. She got out after 12 years.

I'm not that type of person and I refuse to put her through that, besides, she has never given me any reason to doubt how she feels about me and our relationship and to me that's the bottom line.

If you believe this then the intrusive thoughts, sleep issues and weight loss should be gone. Are they?

[rbs56]

 

Here, these revelations from both could ruin this rock solid marriage.

I am just not sure why she decided to go there now and open the can of worms.

Maybe an old client was going to "out" her perhaps and she felt she had no choice...

 

Let me just say that we have never ran into anyone from our past, we know it will never happen and we don't even think about that, it has never been a issue. The only people from our past are the ex spouses. It's kind of funny, both of our first spouses have died from drugs and alcohol abuse.

[rbs56]

If you believe this then the intrusive thoughts, sleep issues and weight loss should be gone. Are they?

 

My weight has stabilized. The sleep issue isn't everyday like it was, it starting to get better.

[anduina]

My weight has stabilized. The sleep issue isn't everyday like it was, it starting to get better.

Good! Now say to yourself, I married a woman who used to be a prostitute. If this no longer bothers you then you are truly over it. If it still bothers you, then you're not over it and need to work through the residual feelings by lancing the poison through expression on Love Shack or elsewhere.

[JHandy]

Good! Now say to yourself, I married a woman who used to be a prostitute. If this no longer bothers you then you are truly over it. If it still bothers you, then you're not over it and need to work through the residual feelings by lancing the poison through expression on Love Shack or elsewhere.

 

Head-palm!

[OneLov]

OP,

 

I think you should share with your wife what you have shared with us. I can tell you honestly love your wife and work hard to find a way to get through this issue. Honestly, I was moved by the way you talked about your wife and what you did for her anniversary. To me, I think that speaks volumes about the strength of your character and the love you have for her. Continue to talk and do not think anything is off the table as long as it is brought up in a mutually respectful context.

 

I would continue to talk about your feelings and do not feel ashamed for having them. Of course it was wrong to hurt her, but it is also understandable why you may have in that situation--don't beat yourself up about that. You said you apologized, and I hope she is reasonable enough to forgive you for that. However, from what you have written, it appears she has. Therefore, do not beat yourself up for that.

 

I believe it is of the utmost importance to explore the reasons, both on a personal and relational level, to understand why you are feeling what you are feeling. You at both the internal and external influences. What are the things you can process together in order to explore reasons and discovery how you each can process the information in a healthy and productive manner, so you may move on together healthier and stronger emotionally?

 

I wish you the absolute best.

[anduina]

Head-palm!

It's called a face palm and it might easily sabotage a fantasy which is why it was posted. It's intended to get him to face the issue head on so that he has a chance to honestly get by it, instead of repressing his anger.

[xenawarriorprincess]

OP,

My question is:

 

Money aside, if your wife came up to you and said “Many years ago I had “X” amount of casual sexual partners while I was going through a dark period before we ever met”; would that haunt you? Is it the number of casual partners, the exchange of money, or the lie by omission that haunts you?

 

I would say that you had every right to know about this information before getting married as this information is a part of the character of the woman you would be spending your life with. Now you know that as part of her character that she would be willing to have sexual relations for financial security.

 

However, as you did NOT know about this portion of her character and the woman that you love is good to you and treats you with love and respect, are you willing to risk 24 years of a beautiful marriage over something that took place so many years ago?

 

I am assuming by the amount of love that you have for your wife that you are not still engaging in 3-somes with random women, and your wife is probably not exchanging sex for money. People change.

[LivingWaterPlease]

It's called a face palm and it might easily sabotage a fantasy which is why it was posted. It's intended to get him to face the issue head on so that he has a chance to honestly get by it, instead of repressing his anger.

 

Maybe he meant head palm.

Edited August 10, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[rbs56]

OP,

My question is:

 

Money aside, if your wife came up to you and said “Many years ago I had “X” amount of casual sexual partners while I was going through a dark period before we ever met”; would that haunt you? Is it the number of casual partners, the exchange of money, or the lie by omission that haunts you?

 

I am assuming by the amount of love that you have for your wife that you are not still engaging in 3-somes with random women, and your wife is probably not exchanging sex for money. People change.

 

It wasn't about the money, it was her timing, after 24 yrs she kind of sprung it on me. Also, we have never cheated on one another, we have been true to each other from the first day we met and we will continue to be true to each other.

 

The 3somes happened way before we met.

[QuietDan]

So... It took 24 years for her to get comfortable enough to finally be honest and transparent about who she really is and to start to reveal her real past... Or...something else is the real issue... However, you need to know this part of the story first in order to understand the other something...???

Since you seem to be in a state of extended anxiety... I suspect you know her well enough from the thousands of other various life situations you have experienced with her to cause you concern that there is more to this story...

It sounds like you are waiting for the othet shoe to drop...

Are you mentally prepared for additional confessions?

Perhaps there has been some infidelity... Since the revelation... Do you now have some issues with feeling adequate now?

Actually, given the significance of the revelation, it sounds like you actually need to find a way to talk about this with your wife. You may need the help of a counselor to open up communication with your wife in order to be able to encorpotate this in a way that is not negative or damaging to the relationship in the long run...