We moved too fast, she initiated a lot, I pushed it too far, she pulled out

[kfey]

Dude,

 

Come on. You met her on Tinder, not Christian effing Mingle.

 

 

Accept it for what it was and go swipe somebody else. There are plenty on Social Media that I'm sure would love a roll in the hay with you as long as you keep it casual. Do not contact her again. She will likely label you as Beta if you contact her again. You need to play it detached. Women don't like Clingers, no matter what age they are...and the older the more pathetic. Don't ...Just Don't.

 

Dude, come on. Tinder isn't a hookup app anymore.

 

Myself, and lots of men and women aren't on there just to hookup. It's being used as a dating app and that's how each of us were using it. There's a middle area between committed, emotional relationships and hooking up that she was looking for. We weren't just hooking up on date 1, 2, 3, 4, etc.

 

I'm not contacting her yet anyway. I'm going to give it a few weeks and then keep it casual.

[kfey]

I still have feelings for this woman.

 

I'm pretty sure she won't contact me. One of my best friends, a guy who is older, more experienced (having been through a divorce), and whom I trust says she will. When I've told him what we went through, how it ended, and how she seems serious about this, he thinks it's weird she'd just drop it. That she needs time to come around to things. He's advised me well a few times before during breakups as far as not contacting women, and each time it's worked out. This time I'm very doubtful he's right, but I want to believe him.

 

I still haven't contacted her. I want to wait until my semester begins, I'm busier, and have a chance to see a therapist to talk about things (not just this fling/breakup). I can hold myself to just casually saying hi, what's up, etc. and not get overly involved. But I feel like I should wait, despite missing her.

[ExpatInItaly]

Most definitely wait. It's not totally impossible she'll be back, but now is really not the time to contact her.

 

I agree that seeing a therapist would be great, because it would be beneficial to learn why you get attached so quickly and how to gain some perspective. This will help you to slow down next time and let things develop naturally, rather than letting anxiety get the best of you and rushing in head-first.

[kfey]

Yep, before her I was in a place like this: while open to a LTR, I wasn't seeking it and wasn't necessarily sure I was in the right place in my life for it. When she came along and took such a nice interest in me, I went with it and then got carried away, despite better judgment I had at times. I was hesitant about her meeting my mother, and a little bit about having sex with her, but she initiated both so I followed along.

 

I just wonder when I'll feel ready to talk to her again?

[ExpatInItaly]

I just wonder when I'll feel ready to talk to her again?

 

Likely only when you feel you could handle it if you're met with friendly indifference or rejection from her.

 

I'm not saying that's definitely how it will play out, mind you, but I would not contact her unless and until you feel emotionally strong enough to withstand the above. Otherwise, the risk is too much.

[kfey]

Do you think she'll get in touch at all?

 

My friend who thinks she will is not the type of friend who says what you want to hear. Example: a year ago I was considering contacting an ex, not to get back together but to smooth over the breakup which happened years prior. He thought it was a terrible idea and that I shouldn't. He was definitely right.

[ExpatInItaly]

I really don't know, OP. Neither does your friend, though I am sure he means well. She is only person who could answer that.

 

I will assume, based on what happened, that's it not very likely. You two didn't have a solid foundation given that you knew each other 2 weeks. She backed away quickly and is on a dating app, meaning she is open to meeting someone else.

 

In other words, she's not emotionally attached to you and this makes it more likely that she'll move on. If you'd been seeing each other longer, I'd say the odds are greater she would re-surface because you two would have more of a reference point for memories and feelings.

 

But given that you hardly know her, you should also be asking yourself what exactly it is you miss. Is it the attention? Affection? The feeling of being wanted? I mean that sincerely. I think it's more likely you miss those feelings rather than her, as a person. You don't really know her well enough for that.

[kfey]

The attention and affection from someone I really was interested in as a person. There have been lots of women I've been interested in over the last year or two, but none who displayed the same, or perhaps even more interest in me.

 

This is the first time that my interest in a woman and her interest in me has been at such a similar level in quite a long time. The other times, it resulted in monogamous relationships.

[kfey]

Met up with a friend last night, who was in a group with people I didn't know, and ended up hooking up with one. It was very easy. She really just asked me to come over, and wasn't even talking to her that much. I think she was just out for sex. She's nice, attractive and all, but I don't feel good about it. While I don't feel guilt in doing this last night, I still have romantic feelings for the woman this thread is about, and I would much rather be spending my time with her. We have not communicated in over a week.

[kfey]

This new woman has asked me out for drinks, and suggested we go hiking. I haven't rejected her, and will probably spend some more time with her. But I still don't feel good at all. Pretty down actually. I felt a strong connection with this woman from before.

[kfey]

Any thoughts? There are some things I like about this new woman, but some I don't. I can't picture myself developing feelings being that I'm hung up on the woman I started this thread about. When I'm with her, I don't forget about the first lady.

 

Honestly last night I posted a Snapchat when I was out with the new lady, her voice being audible, hoping the one from before would see it. I know this is in a way manipulative, trying to create jealousy, and probably more likely to backfire. So I kind of regret it.

 

I feel like I understand why the first woman broke up with me and accepted it, based on thoughts people have posted here and from talking with my mother. I can keep seeing this new woman and not feel terrible about as long as we're not too serious, but I would end it in a minute if I could get back together with the first woman.

 

Still have not contacted her, ten days now. If I were to talk to her today (though I'm not really tempted to break NC) I would tell her I understood why she backed out after I got a bit carried away, and that she was not wrong to be skeptical of a long-term fit with me. Basically I think she was right about a lot of things she said, which I honestly do. I'm not sure I would even ask for a second chance, even though that's what I want.

Edited August 19, 2017 by kfey

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you could certainly go out and have fun with this new woman, but be clear that you're not looking for anything too serious at the moment. Enjoy yourself and get to know some new people, and don't cut yourself off from potential opportunities because of the first woman.

 

The idea of posting how great life is on social media usually doesn't have the desired effect the dumpee wants, to be honest. The person who left can usually see through it, and may not be all that bothered anyway. Sometimes they may just feel relief that you're not so hurt that you're staying at home and moping.

[kfey]

I think you could certainly go out and have fun with this new woman, but be clear that you're not looking for anything too serious at the moment. Enjoy yourself and get to know some new people, and don't cut yourself off from potential opportunities because of the first woman.

 

The idea of posting how great life is on social media usually doesn't have the desired effect the dumpee wants, to be honest. The person who left can usually see through it, and may not be all that bothered anyway. Sometimes they may just feel relief that you're not so hurt that you're staying at home and moping.

 

I'm still talking to the new woman. The social media **** didn't have any effect, which is fine. It was subtle at best anyway.

 

Really want to be with the first woman today, for a coffee. Just to listen to her and see if I can get some insight more into who she is.

 

I still have feelings for her. The time we had together feels less real as two weeks have passed, but the feelings remain.

 

Wish we could just get to know each other and take it slow.

[ExpatInItaly]

You can't be friends right now with the first woman, simply because you still have too many feelings. Much more time would need to pass before you should even attempt that.

 

I would keep your focus on managing your anxiety about dating, relaxing, and meeting new people.

[kfey]

Maybe you're right about being friends.

 

I've stayed over at this new woman's house 3 times now at her invitation. She's talking about coming to visit me on weekends (I live south of her) and spending more time with me.

 

This morning I woke up just thinking about the first woman. Wishing what I currently have was with her. I like this new woman, but to a much lesser extent.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would very strongly recommend slowing things down with this new woman, OP.

 

I say that because you were her, with the previous woman. Spending all kinds of time together really soon, making plans for the future. But you're still thinking about someone else. This new woman is very likely going to get the impression that you're really into her if you keep up at this pace, when really, you seem to view her as more of a fun distraction. Imagine if that's how the previous woman felt about you.

 

Just a word of caution.

[kfey]

Fair. At this point, I'm only going to see her on weekends anyway. I could maybe not stay the night with her. I'm doing this mostly as a coping mechanism because it distracts me from the desire I have to be with the first woman.

 

I'm still thinking about how I can be in the first woman's life again, and eventually be in a relationship with her. That's what I want.

[kfey]

Part of me wants to text her about something not related to our relationship. Like to see if she saw the eclipse today. Or how her work is going.

 

Two weeks ago today was when she broke it off. Two days later I texted saying she was right about moving too fast, and she didn't respond.

 

I don't feel optimistic she would respond, but maybe if it's not relationship-related?

 

I don't use Facebook much, but she hasn't deleted me there. I unfollowed her on Instagram, but she still follows me there. She removed me on Snapchat, that's all on the social media front.

[kfey]

Anyone?

 

I want the first woman in my life again, to take it slow and build more sincere feelings for each other.

 

Another part of me knows of a thoughtful gift I could get her which isn't too expensive. She used to be a musician, and I work in the music field. She recently discovered she lost a lot of sheet music due to moving, and was disappointed. I could easily replace some of this.

 

I know this kind of romantic gesture is likely to not work, or worse drive her away further/for good. But part of me still wants to do it.

[kfey]

I have another idea which is in opposition to the first one.

 

When the initial woman met my mother, they talked about their shared hobby of painting. My mom, who is a serious artist, actually had some extra paints she didn't use and wanted to give away to a friend. But my mom gave them to her.

 

What if I asked for them back? I had bought her a ticket to a ballgame as well before she dumped me, which set me back $70. So she did take advantage of me a little. If I stand up for this without being too aggressive, get at least something back, I'll gain some self-respect. And maybe be able to turn the tables slightly.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

She isn't interested. I'm sorry to be blunt but I'm concerned your infatuation with her is going to turn obsessive.

 

She told you she wasn't interested, then stopped responding to you. It was very brief, and now it is over.

 

For a point of reference, look at this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/632570-feeling-so-defeated

 

See how this guy's infatuation has spiraled, and look at what her reaction has been. You don't want to be that guy.

 

I don't want you to feel bad, but I'm trying to encourage you to look at the reality of the situation, and consider why you are desperately trying to hold on to someone who you barely know. Could it be abandonment issues or just increased desire for something you can't have? It is worth debating that with yourself.

 

The danger is when infatuation turns into pure fantasy. You no longer see the woman who wasn't interested in you anymore. Instead she becomes the symbol of unobtainable perfection and no other woman can measuring up to.

 

The poor woman you are dating right now has no idea what she is up against. Maybe she isn't right for you either, but she doesn't deserve to be a pawn or backup keeping your bed warm. Just bear that in mind and don't lead her on like the last woman led you on.

 

I highly recommend you don't contact the first woman again.

[kfey]

Ok, you're correct about the spiraling. I will stop it here.

 

But NC isn't really working for me. I have talked with my mother a lot about this. She has advocated for me talking to her to get perspective/closure.

 

I think she is right. At worst, she won't respond to me asking for that, which would be cruel. Slightly better, if she is still not interested in me after having zero contact with me for two weeks and explains what happened a bit more, I can move on easier.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I know, it's easier said than done, but no contact will not help unless you are using it for the right reasons. Right now, it sounds like you are using it as a delay tactic.

 

Not that I want to disagree with your mother because I know her instinct is to protect you from being unhappy and her heart is in the right place, but I highly doubt this woman can give you closure, only you can.

 

For that reason I still urge you to reconsider contacting her. It just sounds like an excuse to feed your desire to contact her, not for closure.

 

She has already made a clear statement by ignoring your last message. She doesn't want to get caught up in the same discussion all over again. It is uncomfortable to reject someone over and over again. Again, look at the other thread I showed you to get a sense of how that guy persisted, which made himself appear desperate and manipulative.

 

Unfortunately, even with the most genuine intentions, it can come across in a negative way for someone who is no longer interested.

 

There is a really high possibility that you will be met with silence or being blocked, which will only cause you more hurt and rejection.

 

Please reconsider this option and find another way to move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you need to stop.

 

No asking for something back. No seeking more closure. And certainly no gifts! Just...stop.

 

This girl cannot give you more closure than she already did. What else do you want to hear from her? She gave you a perfectly valid reason for ending it. To be very blunt, it's not her problem that you can't accept it.

 

I have to respectfully disagree with your mom's advice to contact her, for the reason I stated above. You hardly know the girl and I guarantee it's only going to make her think less of you if you reach out again looking for answer or trying to apologize.