Endless quest for meaning and fulfilment...

[Lorenza]

I've never been known for emotional stability and capability of handling my life well, but lately I'm especially lost and confused. I just don't know what I want anymore. My anxiety is killing me.

 

There are days when my path seems clear - I have just been accepted into a university, a program which will grant me a well-paid, relatively easy job. Nothing interesting, but my interests haven't brought me anywhere yet, so I'm trying a new approach. I'm gonna continue working as a teacher on my spare time, to afford rent etc. And I'm gonna study whenever there's time left. Seems like something I could focus on. An ambition.

 

On the other days everything seems meaningless as I'm not following my heart and my true calling. I live in a city which I hate for its unaffordable lifestyle, shallow people and terrible dating culture. I can't do what I love because it's not working out for me financially. I don't trust anyone and I'm not interested in anyone (men in particular). A thought of new relationship terrifies me. A thought of being alone doesn't sound promising either as I would like to have children at some point. I constantly worry about something I can't truly define.

 

And I feel undisclosed, unfulfilled, anxious, fearful.

 

I fear I can be asked to move out any time (have moved around 14 times for the past 9 years).

 

I fear my father will get me in debt (he depends on me for some stuff and he isn't taking care of them well).

 

I fear I have made the wrong decision with my education and even the country I live in. I fear I'm wasting my time.

 

I fear I will never find a many I'd like to find and have a life long relationship with.

 

And most of all I'm afraid I will live a life of worry and regret because I will never make the right choices.

 

It's heavy on my chest and I have loads of things I can't work through. Whoever has any insight or advice, let me know. Otherwise think of this thread as my diary of sorts.

[bummer]

First reply to your first thread:

 

"The impression I get from reading this is that you have some work to do on yourself in the area of self respect, self esteem, confidence and pride."

 

We all have doubts and problems. Instead of resigning to all, tackle them by priority, one at a time.

 

First, don't go to school, in a city you hate, for something you may never do when you finish. Explore other classes (if possible) and see if anything sparks greater interest. Otherwise, know when you finish and get a job, you need to fulfill your needs elsewhere. Your job would therefore cover finances, but little else.

 

I would step way back from any dating and focus on yourself. Add needed stability in your life by:

1. making sure you are in school for the right thing and that is your focus,

2. find where you want to live. I suggest somewhere removed from the hub-bub where you can focus on yourself. Find a place with longer-term rent.

3. do you need therapy or medication to handle the anxiety? can you find coping mechanisms to rely on within yourself? How is your agency?

 

Lastly, we all make mistakes, most not nearly as catastrophic as we imagine. Know that you can always change, pivot and adapt to new realities as they come. You don't need a 10 year plan, you just need a good framework (school, housing, family) to make your day-to-day plan smoother. The larger details will work themselves out. So I hope as well.

[mortensorchid]

One day at a time, don't think about the FUTURE, think about the immediate and what you will do today or just a few days from now. Anxiety is about what could be not what is.

[Lorenza]

First reply to your first thread:

 

"The impression I get from reading this is that you have some work to do on yourself in the area of self respect, self esteem, confidence and pride."

 

We all have doubts and problems. Instead of resigning to all, tackle them by priority, one at a time.

 

First, don't go to school, in a city you hate, for something you may never do when you finish. Explore other classes (if possible) and see if anything sparks greater interest. Otherwise, know when you finish and get a job, you need to fulfill your needs elsewhere. Your job would therefore cover finances, but little else.

 

I would step way back from any dating and focus on yourself. Add needed stability in your life by:

1. making sure you are in school for the right thing and that is your focus,

2. find where you want to live. I suggest somewhere removed from the hub-bub where you can focus on yourself. Find a place with longer-term rent.

3. do you need therapy or medication to handle the anxiety? can you find coping mechanisms to rely on within yourself? How is your agency?

 

Lastly, we all make mistakes, most not nearly as catastrophic as we imagine. Know that you can always change, pivot and adapt to new realities as they come. You don't need a 10 year plan, you just need a good framework (school, housing, family) to make your day-to-day plan smoother. The larger details will work themselves out. So I hope as well.

 

1. I have tried a lot of things, since the education is free here. This time I chose something that isn't too tedious. Not exciting either, but it's a thing I could work with in any country. So it's a step to getting closer to leaving this country. I dont hate the thought of it at all. I just don't like my life in this country and long more and more for home.

 

2. I don't really know. Many people are leaving my home country while I'm contemplating to return. Besides not easy to leave the current city/country since I have a job here and a student loan to pay. I feel a bit stuck. My rent is supposed to be long term (the landlord said we can live there for as many years as we want), but so was some of my other rents. Something suddenly comes up and I need to move out. I stopped making the space personable since I'm afraid to jinx it.

 

3. Unfortunately I wasn't able to get in therapy though public health-care, since I failed to convince them that my case is difficult enough. I just got a prescription for some anti anxiety pills. Seems like they don't take you seriously until you're suicidal, which I'm not, far from it. Private ones are too expensive.

 

There are always something at the back of my mind, a worry, an obstacle I can't overcome. I wish I could pack up my things, take my cat and move far away from this city and all its obstacles for an immigrant like me...

[Lorenza]

One day at a time, don't think about the FUTURE, think about the immediate and what you will do today or just a few days from now. Anxiety is about what could be not what is.

 

Yeah, anxiety is creating various catastrophic scenarios in my mind, but not only about the distant future. It includes the immediate one as well. It's like anything can fall out of my hands and leave me broke, homeless, cheated etc.

[Muffet]

This might surprise you, but you sound like a very clear thinking, well put together person to me, Lorenza. I say that because you've very capably listed the positives, the fears, and the possibilities in your life, and summed up your current situation and perspectives on it quite nicely! Armed with that information, you can make wise choices for yourself. You're way ahead of so many people. I wonder if your anxiety isn't just misplaced over caution? It sounds like your trying so hard to do the right thing, make the right decisions, have no regrets. But life is messy, no matter how neat we try to make it. Even if you make every "right" decision, you don't live in a vacuum, so there are others who may affect the outcomes. All you can do is the best you can do, and learn from yourself and those around you as life leads you on this journey.

 

Do you have an idea of what your true calling is? Perhaps you could just work your job (which sounds like it will be lovely, by the way...good pay, low stress...who needs interesting when you have those things?!) and then uncover your calling in your off time? Maybe it's something you can do as a hobby, or maybe it's something that you can turn into an occupation?