Life Circumstances Causing Severe Depression

[Ashbash11]

Hello everyone,

I haven't posted here in a long time. Basically, things have reached a very low point in my life, and I don't know what to do anymore.

 

I live with my husband (married 4 years) in a suburban town, and we each commute 50 minutes each way to work. We have lived here for 5 1/2 years. I have hated it the entire time-I don't feel like the state we live in is home, and we have no family and very few friends here. It's a lonely, isolated existence. I've tried over the years to make friends here, with only limited luck (meetup groups, etc.).... It's also a boring town with mostly older folks with families (we are in our 30's, no kids). We just don't really "fit" in here. On top of that, we have had a lot of marriage problems. We fight almost daily, don't have intimate time for 8 months sometimes, and we generally just don't get along that well. My husband blames me for being "depressed" and causing problems in our marriage. We are often mean to each other, and we don't sleep in the same room. We started in couples therapy and we've been in that for 2 months.. It hasn't really helped much. I'm still waiting for it to improve things. We've done all of the "homework" exercises, including reading a book together, but not much has changed. It's Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), which is apparently supposed to have a high success rate..maybe we are not treatable. Who knows....

 

To add to that, I really hate my job. I work in a public school district where I am overworked, under-valued, and my salary has been frozen for 5 years. My job is extremely demanding and high-stress, with very little enjoyment or gratitude. This summer, I tried desperately to leave my job and I actually applied for jobs in the Boston area, which is where my husband and I met, and we would like to eventually move back... We discussed it, and he supported me moving there. He would join me after I found a job, if I found one. I went on 9 interviews, and got 2 offers that were worse than my current job, so I declined them. The jobs I really wanted, I made it to the "final 2" or "final 3", but was not chosen. I applied to 26 jobs in total. The Boston area is extremely competitive, so I was not surprised that things worked out the way they did. I didn't apply for jobs in our state, because I want to move. I can't do it anymore.

 

So, now it's August, and school starts August 22.... I have two weeks left to try and escape from my current awful job. I've tried to accept that I would have to live here in this situation for another year, but that seems unbearable. I've been very depressed, and more so now that I haven't been able to find another job. I've gained 50 lbs over the last year, I cry everyday, and I feel hopeless and empty. I've been to six different therapists, all of whom have only barely helped me... My most recent one recommended medication (anti-depressants). Is it the best answer to medicate myself to be able to cope with my life? I feel like if I end up staying here, I will have to leave my job mid-year to take a leave of absence due to my mental health. I feel like medication is just putting a band-aid over the problem.

 

My horrible job combined with the marriage problems, loneliness/isolation, lack of support system, and the feeling of not belonging here has wrecked me emotionally and physically over the last 5 years. Despite the different ways I've tried to cope (therapy, meetup groups, taking classes, trying to find a new job), things haven't worked out. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm depressed enough lately that I want to just quit my job and move away, without a new one. I don't want to live like this anymore. It's gotten bad enough that I have a suicide plan. I feel so stuck some days that it feels like the only way out. I don't know if anyone has advice here, but it's nice to be able to tell someone.

[preraph]

Boston is expensive. You could go there and take one full time office job and one part-time whatever job, and at least you wouldn't be commuting 2 hours or more a day. It costs a fortune to get an apartment there and they're tiny.

 

I know it's hard to get hired as a teacher, but you at least have it sounds like a lot of experience. My friend looked for full-time for years before something kind of dropped into her lap. Keep trying it.

 

You probably should go get treated for depression at a psychologist's if you can afford it. I think AMA Obamacare pays for some. Is Boston where your closest people are, or is it just the only place your husband would agree to move to? I wish you could go be around old friends and supportive family, although you being in your 30s, a lot of them probably are too busy with kids now to be much company. So be prepared for that.

 

Try to do one thing to improve your situation and try not to think about it all at once and panic.

[MissG]

Can you take some time off work to "find yourself" and figure out what you want to do? Plus, also go to couseling, focussing on your marriage and get treatment for depression (yes, antidrepressants work, too)? Is your H making enough money to support the two of you so you can take some time off, get better and figure yourself out?

[d0nnivain]

You have 4 big things that are dragging your spirits down: loneliness; job you hate; marital problems & geography issues.

 

Unfortunately you can usually only change one big thing a time. We'll table the marital one for now because it's being addressed through therapy. Geography seems like the easier to tackle. Even if you are not ready to change states, can you move closer to work? Can you move to a neighborhood with more people your age?

 

Keep plugging away at trying to make friends. I struggle with that too. It's not easy to make friends as an adult.

[basil67]

Ashbash, you've had good feedback so far. The way you describe your marriage makes me wonder if trying to make it work is truly the right thing to be doing. You say that you fight daily - that's no way to be living! What kind of things do you fight over?

[honeytomb]

Hi. Our situations are very similar. People who don't live in small towns don't seem to understand how difficult they are to get out of, especially when you have things holding you (like marriage.) I haven't gotten away either so I don't have much advice for that, but with you both commuting, I am sure that takes up a lot of your budget. If you don't like your job and aren't making much anyway, could you possibly find something closer to home?

 

As for your marriage, maybe stick with the counseling awhile longer, but it may be best for you to leave. My husband and I have a great relationship and I still feel like I am barely surviving at times because of where we live. If our relationship stopped working, I would be gone in a second.

 

Because you are suicidal, I am afraid to tell you not to medicate. But, I don't think that it is the answer to everything, especially when depression is due to environmental reasons. I suffer from depression as well and cleansing (I like Renew Life cleanses) gave me a lot of relief from depression and anxiety. On an everyday basis, exercise, a healthy diet, meditation and zen keep the worst of things at bay even though I still hate where I live. Maybe try a new hobby and definitely spend more time outdoors. Fresh air and connecting with the earth (soil has microbes that alleviate depression) does wonders.

 

I am sorry that you are in this situation as well but I hope it is reassuring to know you aren't the only one who experiences this.

[Ashbash11]

Thank you everyone, for your replies.

 

Preraph- I've been trying and trying to get a new job. As I said, I applied for 26 positions, and I've been on 9 interviews this summer. One of the problems is that in my field, you only have a limited window of time to apply for a new job (June-August), since we are on a school contract/schedule. Yes, Boston is where my closest people are. I have several close friends who live there, as well as a bunch of family members (cousins, aunts, uncles). I don't know which part of my situation to improve first.

 

To answer some of the other questions: I wish I could take time off to "find myself," but my husband doesn't make enough money to support both of us. I have $4,000 in savings, but it's not enough to last long with all of our bills (student loans, car payment, mortgage, etc.) I am one of those people who have to work, unfortunately. But, I will say that I think some time off is exactly what I need. Donnivain- good points, unfortunately I cannot move to an area with more young people.. We've lived in several towns around here, and they're all "bedroom" communities with older folks. There really isn't a town close to us that is more vibrant/younger and that is a reasonable commuting distance away. Basil 67: When my husband and I fight, it's more "picking" at each other. He often gets very defensive, raises his voice, and leaves the room, or starts stomping around the house. We have a lot of communication problems, which we are working on with our therapist. We also fight about sex, since we hardly have it, and financial issues.. We both commute long distances, and we are always tired, which adds to the irritability. He also goes out a lot with work friends (for drinks/dinner), and that causes fights... We fight about everything, it seems.

 

Honeytomb: Thank you for your support. It's nice to know that I am not the only person feeling this way (even though it sure feels like it!!).

 

I guess my main questions are, should I quit my job without a new one lined up? I could get a contract position in Massachusetts, it wouldn't offer me benefits and would be temporary, but I could get out of this situation. We own a house here, so we would have to rent out a room to help my husband pay the mortgage.... Should I start on anti-depressants? And..... which problem should I tackle first? Time is running out, since I am supposed to start back at my job August 22. Has anyone out there quit a job without a new one? It seems irresponsible on my part, and I'm scared to do it. In fact, making any of these major changes is very scary. Even though things have been awful the last few years, there's a certain comfort in it. But, by the same token, I am scared that if I don't make any changes, my mental health will get worse and I will end up quitting in the middle of the school year, OR taking an extended leave of absence for mental health. I've lasted 5 years in this scenario, and I am a strong person who does not give up easily.. But, I think I've reached my breaking point.

Edited August 11, 2017 by Ashbash11

[d0nnivain]

I guess my main questions are, should I quit my job without a new one lined up? I could get a contract position in Massachusetts, it wouldn't offer me benefits and would be temporary, but I could get out of this situation. We own a house here, so we would have to rent out a room to help my husband pay the mortgage.... Should I start on anti-depressants? And..... which problem should I tackle first? Time is running out, since I am supposed to start back at my job August 22. Has anyone out there quit a job without a new one? It seems irresponsible on my part, and I'm scared to do it. In fact, making any of these major changes is very scary. Even though things have been awful the last few years, there's a certain comfort in it. But, by the same token, I am scared that if I don't make any changes, my mental health will get worse and I will end up quitting in the middle of the school year, OR taking an extended leave of absence for mental health. I've lasted 5 years in this scenario, and I am a strong person who does not give up easily.. But, I think I've reached my breaking point.

 

Change is scary. Whether you should go on anti-depressants is a personal decision you need to make with your doctor.

 

I wouldn't quit one job without another. But what if you take a lesser paying job closer to home. Your commute will be lessened which will lower your costs. You would be less tired & that may improve your mood. You would have more time to look for a good job. Also you may be able to budget better & save money. I'm not talking about austerity but cutting out non-essentials & replacing them with more economical versions. However if your husband frequently goes out drinking that is a drain on your finances as well as your marriage; it may be that your husband does this in part to avoid coming home which is not good.

 

If you are well & truly done with your marriage, of course take the temp contract job in Massachusetts but I don't think you can work there & keep your marriage.

[Ashbash11]

There are no jobs in my field available closer to home (I look almost daily on job sites)........Because of my student loans, I need to work in "public service", which makes it more difficult. It would be easier if I could just take any job. I've been looking at non-profits, but I don't have the skillset a lot of them are looking for. My degree is highly specialized, and it's difficult to branch out. My ultimate goal is to leave and move to Massachusetts, so I was focusing on that.

[Muffet]

I'm sorry for this challenging chapter in your book of life, Ashbash11. When it rains, it pours, right?!

 

Without going into the details, I was in a job/living situation I hated and I did quit my job without having a new one. I was already in the interview process with a few employers, but truthfully, I didn't care whether I got one of those jobs or not because I was so overjoyed to be out of the situation I had been in. The two weeks of freedom I had were some of the best in my life. I've learned that no job is perfect, of course, and that so much has to do with the perspective we take. In a subsequent positions where I've feel like I wanted to quit, I just put on my game face and pushed through. I think of the alternatives...unemployment, no health insurance, etc. Kind of helps put things into perspective and make it through another day.

 

My daughter is in her third year of teaching in a low-income district so I hear about how challenging they can be, and am guessing that you're making a tremendous difference in the lives of some kids with some very unfortunate circumstances, assuming you're a teacher, speds, counselor, etc. I know that doesn't help your mental state, but you are making a difference for others.

 

If you do follow the advice of your doctor and try the meds, they might make enough of a difference now to get you through until you can achieve the goals you spoke of. Your future plans sound great, and sound like something both you and your husband want together for your lives. That's very positive!

[camillalev]

Thank you everyone, for your replies.

 

Preraph- I've been trying and trying to get a new job. As I said, I applied for 26 positions, and I've been on 9 interviews this summer. One of the problems is that in my field, you only have a limited window of time to apply for a new job (June-August), since we are on a school contract/schedule. Yes, Boston is where my closest people are. I have several close friends who live there, as well as a bunch of family members (cousins, aunts, uncles). I don't know which part of my situation to improve first.

 

To answer some of the other questions: I wish I could take time off to "find myself," but my husband doesn't make enough money to support both of us. I have $4,000 in savings, but it's not enough to last long with all of our bills (student loans, car payment, mortgage, etc.) I am one of those people who have to work, unfortunately. But, I will say that I think some time off is exactly what I need. Donnivain- good points, unfortunately I cannot move to an area with more young people.. We've lived in several towns around here, and they're all "bedroom" communities with older folks. There really isn't a town close to us that is more vibrant/younger and that is a reasonable commuting distance away. Basil 67: When my husband and I fight, it's more "picking" at each other. He often gets very defensive, raises his voice, and leaves the room, or starts stomping around the house. We have a lot of communication problems, which we are working on with our therapist. We also fight about sex, since we hardly have it, and financial issues.. We both commute long distances, and we are always tired, which adds to the irritability. He also goes out a lot with work friends (for drinks/dinner), and that causes fights... We fight about everything, it seems.

 

Honeytomb: Thank you for your support. It's nice to know that I am not the only person feeling this way (even though it sure feels like it!!).

 

I guess my main questions are, should I quit my job without a new one lined up? I could get a contract position in Massachusetts, it wouldn't offer me benefits and would be temporary, but I could get out of this situation. We own a house here, so we would have to rent out a room to help my husband pay the mortgage.... Should I start on anti-depressants? And..... which problem should I tackle first? Time is running out, since I am supposed to start back at my job August 22. Has anyone out there quit a job without a new one? It seems irresponsible on my part, and I'm scared to do it. In fact, making any of these major changes is very scary. Even though things have been awful the last few years, there's a certain comfort in it. But, by the same token, I am scared that if I don't make any changes, my mental health will get worse and I will end up quitting in the middle of the school year, OR taking an extended leave of absence for mental health. I've lasted 5 years in this scenario, and I am a strong person who does not give up easily.. But, I think I've reached my breaking point.

 

 

How long would the contract last? Is your husband on board with making these big life changes? Can you stay with family while you figure yourself out? If you absolutely had to start this job, could you put away a good amount of money?

 

Yes your mental health will worsen if you stay in your current position. I was in a really terrible spot/severely depressed a few years ago as well and I dont even want to know where I'd be if I stayed on that path. You're going to have to start making big changes or start taking small steps to prepare for them.

[thefooloftheyear]

While it may seem hopeless. you do have some options....The advice given has already been solid..

 

You don't have kids, I presume...That would really make things tough...When I hear of your story, I am feeling a bit depressed..It must be miserable. and this is only going to get worse if changes aren't made...Stay living in this mess and before you know it, you will be in your 40's and wondering why something wasn't done..

 

I gotta believe if your marriage were better, these other things wouldn't be as dire..They'd still be an issue, but to me, the marriage is your biggest concern...If you think about it, take yourself out of the marriage(not saying that's what you should do at this point), but maybe you could then go to family, clear your head, and figure out the next move...I really think you have to get that resolved one way or the other...Separate sleeping arrangements, no sex, fighting...etc...These are not really good signs for a marriage, especially one that's only 4 years in...Again, be thankful there are no kids..

 

I'm no fan of medication for mental health concerns as I have been able to conquer my own demons with meditation, vigorous exercise, music and reading, etc,,...But I know some have gotten help with meds, so I wont say its not worth a try, just that there are other methods, and I don't like the idea of a crutch in the form of a pill...Just giving another viewpoint..

 

To be cliche, life is short...Don't be stuck in this situation too long as days become years, especially as we age..The good thing is you seem to have identified your main concerns..Its not easy, but you can start resolving them,,,One foot in front of the other, as they say...

 

I wish you the best..

 

TFY

[Els]

Ashbash, I recall reading your thread over a year ago that was very similar to this one. I'm sorry that things have not gotten better.

 

1. Fighting almost daily for years on end is really not normal or okay for a LTR or marriage, especially one where there are no children involved. I get that you guys have been together for a long time (almost 10 years AFAIK?), own a house together and are married, but at some point you really need to question if this is what you want to do for the rest of your life. Yes, all long-term couples have low periods that they need to wade through, and people do need to put in the effort to make things better before they decide to call it quits, but if that "low period" has lasted a few years like it has in your case despite your best efforts, I truly think it may be worth reconsidering if this relationship is right for you.

 

2. I recall in your last thread you mentioned really wanting to leave your job and see the world. This is very doable especially if you are willing to live in cheap accommodation in a cheap country, and have some modicum of ability to work online. You only really need about 10 USD a day to survive in most SE Asian countries except Singapore, for instance (yes, including rent, food, transport, everything). You could sell your car, and if you and your husband opted for divorce you could work out an arrangement where you can sell your part of the house. The only major hurdle would be your student loans, I am not sure if you have the option to defer payment on those.

 

3. Anti-depressant medication is nothing to be ashamed about at all. If you need them, take them.

 

I get that the solutions I'm proposing are 'drastic', but I have followed your posts for the past several years and every time I read them, my heart breaks for you. You have been desperately unhappy for so long, you are so young, and you have a suicide plan. All this over money and a house and car? You have no children, nobody's life will truly be ruined if you leave your job and marriage and sell your ownership in your house. Frankly I think you should do some research and go for it if that's what you really want to do. There will be many houses and cars and relationships, but you only have 1 life.

 

A possibly less drastic option will be to do the above in increments. First take the AD meds and carry on with therapy (individual as well as couples therapy), if it doesn't change after 6 months then do the rest of the above.

 

Best of luck.

Edited August 14, 2017 by Elswyth

[Ashbash11]

Camillalev- If I took a contract job, it would last one year. Yes, my husband is definitely on board with me making major life changes. He has seen my decline over the past few years (weight gain, depression, suicidal tendencies, etc.), and he is worried about me. He said he wants me to do whatever I need to in order to be happy. I can definitely stay with family in Massachusetts, as I have many uncles, cousins, and others there. If you don't mind me asking, how did you get out of the situation that was causing severe depression for you?

 

Thefooloftheyear- I agree with you. I don't want this situation to continue on without any changes... It's already been 5 years. I am only 32, so I have a lot of life left to live and I realize that... Let me put it this way, it's not an accident that we don't have kids.. I don't feel that having kids would be a healthy thing to do at this time. In terms of our marriage, it is definitely a major stressor. However, we are working on things in couples therapy, and I am trying to be hopeful. I don't want to give up on it yet.

 

Elswyth- Hi! I know you have been following me for years.. it was nice to hear from you again. I can't deny anything you said. I agree with you on #1. I felt that since my husband and I had never actually worked on our relationship, that couples therapy might help. It's kind of a "last resort", and if it doesn't work, then we might call it quits. In terms of leaving my job to "see the world," that plan may have to wait... However, even just moving to Boston would help. Moving to a city that I love, with people that I love around me would help. Basically, just getting out of the current predicament will help, you know? In terms of anti-depressants, it's not that I am ashamed to take them, I just feel like they're kind of a "band-aid" to cover up a lot of the problems that are contributing to my depression, if that makes sense. Yes, I will feel happier/more positive, but I will still have to deal with the marriage problems, long commute, bad job, etc. However, my therapist really insists that I start on medication, so I will probably do it. As of right now, I am continuing to interview for jobs in the Boston area, and I am searching for a psychiatrist to start meds. And, of course, continuing in therapy.... I am trying to persevere.

Edited August 18, 2017 by Ashbash11

[Els]

 

Elswyth- Hi! I know you have been following me for years.. it was nice to hear from you again. I can't deny anything you said. I agree with you on #1. I felt that since my husband and I had never actually worked on our relationship, that couples therapy might help. It's kind of a "last resort", and if it doesn't work, then we might call it quits.

 

It's nice to hear from you again, as well. Though I had hoped that things would have gotten better for you.

 

It definitely makes sense to give couples therapy a chance for another 6 months or so. Were things very different before you got married? Could you potentially rekindle the flame by doing things you used to do together?

 

In terms of leaving my job to "see the world," that plan may have to wait... However, even just moving to Boston would help. Moving to a city that I love, with people that I love around me would help. Basically, just getting out of the current predicament will help, you know?

 

I agree that it would be great for you to get to Boston, and that would probably be the ideal solution. The main problem is that you would have to get a job there to be able to move there due to the living cost, so you would be stuck for as long as you couldn't get that.

 

My suggestion of Asia was partly because of what you mentioned previously, but ALSO partly because of how cheap it is. $400 (yes, I'm not missing a zero) could easily tide you over for more than a month in most of the cheaper Asian countries, so you would not urgently need to have a job lined up ahead of time. Plus you could easily get a job teaching English, just by virtue of being an American citizen.

 

In terms of anti-depressants, it's not that I am ashamed to take them, I just feel like they're kind of a "band-aid" to cover up a lot of the problems that are contributing to my depression, if that makes sense. Yes, I will feel happier/more positive, but I will still have to deal with the marriage problems, long commute, bad job, etc. However, my therapist really insists that I start on medication, so I will probably do it.

 

Meds don't have to be a permanent option, though. Lots of people take them for just 6 months or a year or something - just to get them through a really really tough time, so that they are able to focus on what they can do to improve their situation. It tends to be a vicious cycle where you are depressed -> don't have motivation to carry on or work on any changes -> life situation gets worse -> get more depressed, etc. Meds can break the cycle, and then they can be weaned off gradually as the life circumstances improve.

 

Of course, it's not a magic bullet - even finding the right med can take some time and perseverence. But it can help.

 

As of right now, I am continuing to interview for jobs in the Boston area, and I am searching for a psychiatrist to start meds. And, of course, continuing in therapy.... I am trying to persevere.

 

All the best! I'm rooting for you.

[Ashbash11]

Thanks, Elswyth. It's difficult to answer your first question, because my husband and I were in a long distance relationship for three years before we got married, and then he was working a night job and gone a lot, so it was an unusual start... But yes, things were different. With our current life situation, I have become depressed (I already had a tendency to be depressed, but the isolation and job stress exacerbated it), and that has made everything worse. I think I have just made some decisions in recent years that were wrong for me. They seemed like good decisions at the time (e.g., to buy a house, take this job, etc.), but now I am realizing that they were not good decisions after all. And yes, as others have mentioned, I DO question my marriage, and if it was the right decision. It's hard to know sometimes. It's also hard to see the "big picture" when you are living in it on a daily basis.

 

Once I realized that I had gained almost 50 lbs, and I was thinking of suicide almost daily, it was sort of a wake up call. I know that I need to do something different, and make drastic changes soon.

[Soak]

Hi Ashbash,

 

For the feat of giving you the wrong advice, I will let you know a few thoughts that popped out of my head when i read your thread starter.

 

- Life is too short to be unhappy. Is money really that important? Without asking questions etc., are you in a position to move, eg, savings, living expenses for a few months saved up?

 

The other thing you could consider is a sideways move in your career, or a job that requires similiar skills or quals to the one you already have. Eg, social services, human services, disability support work are all closely related to teaching. The skills set is especially transferable from teaching to any form of working with children, or teenagers. Perhaps think about getting a job that is similiar to the one you have. I know plenty of people with degrees who are now doing different jobs.

 

- Is money really that important? You said you had two job offers that were "worse" than the salary that you are already on. How much "worse"? If i were on 60k per year, miserable and hated the town i lived in, and somebody offered me a job @ 55k per year in a city i would be happier in, I'd probably take it. Think about spending and money in more realistic terms. Eg, you drive 50 mins each way to work... That might equate to $100.00 per week in fuel. If you had a slightly lower paying job and reasonably priced accommodation CLOSE to your work with less commuting time, you are already saving maybe $60 p/w in fuel. (figures used as examples). There are all sorts of ways to save money - cook more at home, eat out less. Give up the coffee, take cut lunches to work, buy cheaper clothes.

 

Healthy mind and body work together. Try to go out for a walk the day you read this post. Get your sneakers, tracksuit, t shirt (what ever your walking gear is) and keep it outside of the wardrobe in one spot in your bedroom so they are in view, and easily accessible. All you have to do then is grab them, put them on and head out the door. When you get home, change back into normal clothes and put them back in accessible spot. I only ever wash mine after 3-4 walks, and then put them straight back in that spot.

 

Those were the two things that jumped out at me, and then I remembered about the walking.

Edited August 19, 2017 by Soak

[camillalev]

Camillalev- If I took a contract job, it would last one year. Yes, my husband is definitely on board with me making major life changes. He has seen my decline over the past few years (weight gain, depression, suicidal tendencies, etc.), and he is worried about me. He said he wants me to do whatever I need to in order to be happy. I can definitely stay with family in Massachusetts, as I have many uncles, cousins, and others there. If you don't mind me asking, how did you get out of the situation that was causing severe depression for you?

 

I have a few threads detailing my journey. I don't know if you'll want to read it all, but I had to identify all the things that were making me miserable and needed improvement(almost every aspect of my life at that point) and all the things I could do to improve it. After identifying the big things, I focused on one or two of those things at a time and wrote down the very small steps to accomplishing it. It was a very bumpy road, plenty of times where I wasnt sure if anything was improving or worth it at all, but I'm so glad to have done it. My life is 10x improved and I'm much more content. I still face challenges and have my moments but in general my life has moved and is moving in the direction that I want it to.

 

If the contract is a year, I would take it. That's a good solid amount of time to get away from something that makes you miserable. Take things one step at a time.