Having A Hard Time!

[Emelissa]

Thanks for having me. I need to reach out. I'm having a hard time.

My husband and I didn't have the best marriage. We were married 15 years and have 5 children between us. We separated last June, we were fighting non stop. He instantly had a girlfriend in 2 weeks. Who he still sees. He strung me along as I constantly begged him to work on our marriage. He would always say he just needs space or to give him time, or everything is going to be OK. Well it's been a year and he still hasn't changed anything. We have slept together at least once or twice a month since separation. He tells me I'll always be his friend and apart of his life but he doesn't want to be married to me because he's not happy with me. I want to save my marriage and I want him to realize that he is hurting me. I want him to fix things. Someone please tell me what I need to do. Please be honest, no matter how much it hurts.

Thanks So Much.

[basil67]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Unfortunately, he doesn't want to fix this - but you can't fix this on your own. So you really don't have any options when it comes to being with him.

 

It's entirely possible for him to understand he's hurting you, but think about what outcome you want to happen from this realisation. I remember being on the fence about staying or going with my ex-h and one day he told me how much my ongoing indecision was hurting him. The realisation of how much I was hurting him was the catalyst I needed to make a decision to get myself the hell out of there. I seriously checked out as soon as I realised. I was gone within an hour. So, just make sure that if you tell him how much you're hurting, it could go either way.

 

You say that he doesn't want to go back to the marriage because he's not happy with you. What exactly does he struggle with? What effort did you make to address those issues while you were still together?

[honeytomb]

If he is not happy with you and is no longer interested in working on the marriage, there probably isn't much, if anything you can do to change his mind. Yes, you could change yourself but that doesn't guarantee anything and you would be unhappy because you wouldn't be living authentically. And it's better to be with someone who loves you for who you are than try to please someone who has already written you off.

 

You definitely need to stop sleeping with him. It enables him to hurt you more and he gets you on the side without giving you anything in return. It certainly isn't going to fix your marriage.

 

You can voice your hurt but it sounds like he has moved on and you need to start working toward acceptance.

[sandylee1]

Hard as it is, you need to accept it's over. I'd let him know you want to file for divorce.

 

Might as well stop living in limbo.

[preraph]

He wants to just keep you home not going out with men while he does whatever he wants. I think you might ought to give him a reality check and remind him that you will be dating other guys as soon as divorce papers are filed and won't have time to "be his friend." I think once he is comfortable right now that you are so desperate to keep him that you will accept anything he offers and you need to wake him up that you're not going to just sit quietly but will move forward with your life without him since he won't work on the marriage.

Edited August 11, 2017 by preraph

[eyeteachscience]

I highly recommend getting some professional counseling (marriage and family therapist, counselor, pastor, church counselor), to help you navigate this difficult decision. Some things to consider: It may be helpful to step back and look at what is happening for him...he appears to be getting everything he wants with no accountability or commitment. Your children will be looking to how you both handle this relationship for their future relationship modeling. You obviously cannot control him, but please, please, take care of yourself and your family in this. Keeping you in my prayers.