rough day on the roller coaster

[eye of the storm]

I'm just having a day. I got a package from my xMM today filled with things I like. I don't have the option of refusing because right now my mail is picked up and delivered to me by a co-worker. Yes I could have just thrown it away without opening but....he knows where I am and always sends items that make my stays away from home a lot easier. So I opened it. And 100% of the items are things I needed/wanted. His note said, "usually by this time in your trip you have run out of stuff and put off ordering more, so I thought this box would save you the trouble." Plus he added my favorite cereal and some treats he knows I crave but won't buy.

 

 

It makes me mad that he knows me so well and even though we broke up he still tries to take care of me. I'm an independent person able to take care of myself. Relying on someone else is not something I allow myself to do anymore (due to xH not xMM). But I would be lying if I didn't admit having someone just do things to make your life easier without asking for anything in return is addicting.

 

 

That stupid box reminded me how he used to make my coffee in the morning, just the way I like it, while I was walking the dog. And cook breakfast while I was in the shower because he knew I skipped it too often. And how he taught me a lot about working on cars because he knew how I needed to be independent but didn't have the knowledge/skills in that area.

 

 

We still occasionally talk, (same industry) I've referred a few people to him for jobs and he is one of my best references. When we do talk we both do our best to stay very professional and not chatty. When things do get casual, he and I both are starting to see that our lives are splitting farther and farther from each other. We used to be entwined, every part of our lives was woven together, now, since he moved I don't know any of his friends and he has new hobbies that he has taken up. So, slowly but surely we are running out of things to chat about. Which is good.

 

 

I emailed him that I got the box and said thank you. Then I told him that getting it was painful. I know he is just trying to take care of me. And I appreciate it. But, its hard to move on when he does that, so please stop.

 

 

I am moving on, looking to date, and all that. But today was a rough day. I want to send a long impassioned message to him, I want to see him, spend time with him, hear his voice, feel his touch.......I'm not. But right now, this minute I want to. So, here I sit. Posting on LS. So I don't message him.

[Chica80]

I'm sorry....big (((hugs))).

[jenkins95]

I'm just having a day. I got a package from my xMM today filled with things I like. I don't have the option of refusing because right now my mail is picked up and delivered to me by a co-worker. Yes I could have just thrown it away without opening but....he knows where I am and always sends items that make my stays away from home a lot easier. So I opened it. And 100% of the items are things I needed/wanted. His note said, "usually by this time in your trip you have run out of stuff and put off ordering more, so I thought this box would save you the trouble." Plus he added my favorite cereal and some treats he knows I crave but won't buy.

 

 

It makes me mad that he knows me so well and even though we broke up he still tries to take care of me. I'm an independent person able to take care of myself. Relying on someone else is not something I allow myself to do anymore (due to xH not xMM). But I would be lying if I didn't admit having someone just do things to make your life easier without asking for anything in return is addicting.

 

 

That stupid box reminded me how he used to make my coffee in the morning, just the way I like it, while I was walking the dog. And cook breakfast while I was in the shower because he knew I skipped it too often. And how he taught me a lot about working on cars because he knew how I needed to be independent but didn't have the knowledge/skills in that area.

 

 

We still occasionally talk, (same industry) I've referred a few people to him for jobs and he is one of my best references. When we do talk we both do our best to stay very professional and not chatty. When things do get casual, he and I both are starting to see that our lives are splitting farther and farther from each other. We used to be entwined, every part of our lives was woven together, now, since he moved I don't know any of his friends and he has new hobbies that he has taken up. So, slowly but surely we are running out of things to chat about. Which is good.

 

 

I emailed him that I got the box and said thank you. Then I told him that getting it was painful. I know he is just trying to take care of me. And I appreciate it. But, its hard to move on when he does that, so please stop.

 

 

I am moving on, looking to date, and all that. But today was a rough day. I want to send a long impassioned message to him, I want to see him, spend time with him, hear his voice, feel his touch.......I'm not. But right now, this minute I want to. So, here I sit. Posting on LS. So I don't message him.

 

Just want to send you a hug (((eye of the storm))).

 

Your post actually made me quite emotional, because the box sounds very similar to the ones that I used to send to my xOW - brings back a lot of memories - kind of sweet memories, but against the harsh backdrop of the knowledge that it was all in secret, while I was cheating.

 

It sounds like you and your xMM had (have) a genuine connection and that there is respect and understanding between you. You are very wise to ask him, in such a pleasant way, to stop sending the boxes. You have to have complete separation from him (at least at a personal level) in order to move on. I am quite sure that he will understand your message and will respect your wishes.

 

I know the whole thing sucks, but at least in your situation, you know his feelings for you were genuine and gestures like this this show he still thinks about you and cares for you. Actually, receiving this box and the subsequent exchange of messages could be as pleasant a way as possible as finally ending all aspects of the A and could bring closure eventually. Many As end in far worse, more harrowing ways.

 

Good luck (((eye)))

 

Thinking of you.

Edited August 11, 2017 by jenkins95

[sandylee1]

I hope he respects your message. That would be the right thing to do.

[hushed3014]

I am deeply sorry your struggling right now. He sounds like he definitely does not want to let go. He seems to find any and every excuse to contact you. Even just talking on the phone professionally there's still tension. My advice is to cut ties with him completely. Don't give him a second glance. Stay strong! You deserve to be happy, love life, and find someone that treats you with all the love and care you deserve!!

[deadsoul]

Posting here is way better than your other idea. See how much you've grown? Go do something for you, spoil yourself. Yeah, it's great that he sent you the box full of stuff, but it's double-edged. I don't think it's of pure motive, so you're right to tell him it hurts too much when he does that and to not.

 

Go pamper yourself, you are independent and strong. Allow yourself to feel, but don't act on anything you know you'll regret.

 

Hang in there

[ice3784]

i wish my MM is as good as who you have now

[Demons]

I'm just having a day. I got a package from my xMM today filled with things I like. I don't have the option of refusing because right now my mail is picked up and delivered to me by a co-worker. Yes I could have just thrown it away without opening but....he knows where I am and always sends items that make my stays away from home a lot easier. So I opened it. And 100% of the items are things I needed/wanted. His note said, "usually by this time in your trip you have run out of stuff and put off ordering more, so I thought this box would save you the trouble." Plus he added my favorite cereal and some treats he knows I crave but won't buy.

 

 

It makes me mad that he knows me so well and even though we broke up he still tries to take care of me. I'm an independent person able to take care of myself. Relying on someone else is not something I allow myself to do anymore (due to xH not xMM). But I would be lying if I didn't admit having someone just do things to make your life easier without asking for anything in return is addicting.

 

 

That stupid box reminded me how he used to make my coffee in the morning, just the way I like it, while I was walking the dog. And cook breakfast while I was in the shower because he knew I skipped it too often. And how he taught me a lot about working on cars because he knew how I needed to be independent but didn't have the knowledge/skills in that area.

 

 

We still occasionally talk, (same industry) I've referred a few people to him for jobs and he is one of my best references. When we do talk we both do our best to stay very professional and not chatty. When things do get casual, he and I both are starting to see that our lives are splitting farther and farther from each other. We used to be entwined, every part of our lives was woven together, now, since he moved I don't know any of his friends and he has new hobbies that he has taken up. So, slowly but surely we are running out of things to chat about. Which is good.

 

 

I emailed him that I got the box and said thank you. Then I told him that getting it was painful. I know he is just trying to take care of me. And I appreciate it. But, its hard to move on when he does that, so please stop.

 

 

I am moving on, looking to date, and all that. But today was a rough day. I want to send a long impassioned message to him, I want to see him, spend time with him, hear his voice, feel his touch......I'm not. But right now, this minute I want to. So, here I sit. Posting on LS. So I don't message him.

 

You should send him that long impassioned message, and tell him everything you're feeling right now. Better yet, give him a call. He probably feels them too, which is why he sent you that package. He must have been thinking about you a lot. This MM is a keeper. He knows you very well and he sounds like someone you can depend on. Life is short, don't live with regrets.

Edited September 1, 2017 by Demons

[ladydesigner]

You should send him that long impassioned message, and tell him everything you're feeling right now. Better yet, give him a call. He probably feels them too, which is why he sent you that package. He must have been thinking about you a lot. This MM is a keeper. He knows you very well and he sounds like someone you can depend on. Life is short, don't live with regrets.

 

Why would she do that if she doesn't want to get into the A again? This advice makes no sense for someone trying to move on.

[Demons]

Why would she do that if she doesn't want to get into the A again? This advice makes no sense for someone trying to move on.

 

Because I feel deep down, OP really loves the MM, and it's not like MM doesn't care about her. He clearly reciprocates. It just seems like the A is over on paper, but not in their hearts. My advice is for OP to realize this, and rekindle the A.

[Poppy47]

So what if she still has feelings for him? Why would you tell anybody to rekindle an affair?

 

That is without a doubt the silliest piece of advice anybody has written here for a long time.

 

Poppy.

[lostgirl87]

Because I feel deep down, OP really loves the MM, and it's not like MM doesn't care about her. He clearly reciprocates. It just seems like the A is over on paper, but not in their hearts. My advice is for OP to realize this, and rekindle the A.

Real love like this deserves an authentic relationship. Not an affair. Rekindling the affair is the last thing OP needs to do. Now if we were talking an out-in-the-open relationship b/c MM was now single, that's a different story and definitely something I believe OP should and would consider. Unfortunately that doesn't appear to be the case so OP did/is doing the right thing. Or at least attempting to.

[Tiana09]

Please do not let him fool you. He might be the sweetest man you know but he is just using you. You will waste 10 years with him but he will still be married to his wife. He knows your weakness and is only using it to keep you around. Rise above him and love yourself more. He is not worth a minute of your time.

[eye of the storm]

Sorry I've been off for awhile. Crappy internet.

 

 

Demons, the thing is...just because you love someone and they love you does not always mean you are meant to be together. Yes, I love him. Yes, I think he truly does love me.

 

 

But he made a choice to stay married. I know why and part of me even understands his choice. I may not like it but he has every right to choose his path. So, I decided if he was going to stay married, I was going to walk. He wasn't happy with my choice, I wasn't happy with his.

 

 

But, life doesn't always work out like we want it to. Trying to hold on to a relationship that has come to the end of its natural life only brings pain, bitterness, and anger. I would rather end it and be sad than hold on till I hate him or he hates me.

 

 

Most of the people that post on the OW/OM section are trying to get out of their A and to heal. Encouraging someone to stay in an A is like offering crack to someone going thru withdrawal. A's are frequently compared to an addiction. And should be treated like one.

 

 

Unlike many, a lot of people know that my MM and I were together. We lived together whenever we were long term in the same location. We tried to keep it on the DL mainly because we worked together too. So, I am lucky that I have friends I can talk to when I want to call MM. But most of them know how happy he made me and how calm I was when we were together so they kinda wish we were still together.

 

 

Here, on LS I get brutal basic truth. Stop it. That is why when I feel extra weak, I post. Either on someone else's thread to encourage them to get out/stay out. Or on mine so I get snapped back to reality.

 

 

LS has helped me. Some of the posters on here will never know how much they helped (and still help) me.

[deadsoul]

Sorry I've been off for awhile. Crappy internet.

 

 

Demons, the thing is...just because you love someone and they love you does not always mean you are meant to be together. Yes, I love him. Yes, I think he truly does love me.

 

I think this is true in so many cases here.

 

But he made a choice to stay married. I know why and part of me even understands his choice. I may not like it but he has every right to choose his path. So, I decided if he was going to stay married, I was going to walk. He wasn't happy with my choice, I wasn't happy with his.

 

 

But, life doesn't always work out like we want it to. Trying to hold on to a relationship that has come to the end of its natural life only brings pain, bitterness, and anger. I would rather end it and be sad than hold on till I hate him or he hates me.

 

You really did the right thing, as hard as it was.

 

Most of the people that post on the OW/OM section are trying to get out of their A and to heal. Encouraging someone to stay in an A is like offering crack to someone going thru withdrawal. A's are frequently compared to an addiction. And should be treated like one.

 

Yes. This is so true.

 

Unlike many, a lot of people know that my MM and I were together. We lived together whenever we were long term in the same location. We tried to keep it on the DL mainly because we worked together too. So, I am lucky that I have friends I can talk to when I want to call MM. But most of them know how happy he made me and how calm I was when we were together so they kinda wish we were still together.

 

 

Here, on LS I get brutal basic truth. Stop it. That is why when I feel extra weak, I post. Either on someone else's thread to encourage them to get out/stay out. Or on mine so I get snapped back to reality.

 

Little confused by this... do you mean stop giving you the truth? Not sure what you're referring to here.

 

LS has helped me. Some of the posters on here will never know how much they helped (and still help) me.

 

It has also really helped me. It helps me to read ALL perspectives, the good and the bad. I can feel so much anger and pain in so many of these posts. It seems we are all here because we are hurting.... whether you're an other, wayward or betrayed, EVERYONE gets hurt in these situations and it is very much an addiction. I treat my affair like an addiction because there's just so many similarities to what I read about addictions. I'm not entirely sure because I've never been addicted to a substance. I do know I had to walk away from hard alcohol because many of my bad choices started with that, but I didn't feel addicted to it, like I did to OM.

 

Hang in there and keep posting because there are so many others in your situation and I think it helps us to reach out to those who are in the earlier stages of it. I know that those people that did that for me are a huge reason for the growth I've made... and I feel like it's important to pay it forward.

[Chica80]

Sorry I've been off for awhile. Crappy internet.

 

 

Demons, the thing is...just because you love someone and they love you does not always mean you are meant to be together. Yes, I love him. Yes, I think he truly does love me.

 

 

But he made a choice to stay married. I know why and part of me even understands his choice. I may not like it but he has every right to choose his path. So, I decided if he was going to stay married, I was going to walk. He wasn't happy with my choice, I wasn't happy with his.

 

 

But, life doesn't always work out like we want it to. Trying to hold on to a relationship that has come to the end of its natural life only brings pain, bitterness, and anger. I would rather end it and be sad than hold on till I hate him or he hates me.

 

 

Most of the people that post on the OW/OM section are trying to get out of their A and to heal. Encouraging someone to stay in an A is like offering crack to someone going thru withdrawal. A's are frequently compared to an addiction. And should be treated like one.

 

 

Unlike many, a lot of people know that my MM and I were together. We lived together whenever we were long term in the same location. We tried to keep it on the DL mainly because we worked together too. So, I am lucky that I have friends I can talk to when I want to call MM. But most of them know how happy he made me and how calm I was when we were together so they kinda wish we were still together.

 

 

Here, on LS I get brutal basic truth. Stop it. That is why when I feel extra weak, I post. Either on someone else's thread to encourage them to get out/stay out. Or on mine so I get snapped back to reality.

 

 

LS has helped me. Some of the posters on here will never know how much they helped (and still help) me.

 

Thank you for this, needed this today

[eye of the storm]

Deadsoul, when I said "Here, on LS I get brutal basic truth. Stop it." I meant, the posters tell me to just stop it. Not stop giving the truth. To often we tell people what they want to hear, not what they need to hear. Sometimes a good firm "stop it" is the best thing to say.

 

 

Sunshinechica, I hope you have a good day today.

[deadsoul]

Deadsoul, when I said "Here, on LS I get brutal basic truth. Stop it." I meant, the posters tell me to just stop it. Not stop giving the truth. To often we tell people what they want to hear, not what they need to hear. Sometimes a good firm "stop it" is the best thing to say.

 

 

Sunshinechica, I hope you have a good day today.

 

Gotcha! I agree! People around here are really good at pointing out when one's head is up their ass. I speak from experience :)