Falling into your Lap vs On the Hunt for Love

[Mysterio]

I am always curious how people get together. With Family/Friends. What do you really think works? Love fallling into your lap. Or being on the Hunt for Love.

 

I think its both, but some fall in one catagorie the other in another.

 

My Friends the Ks for example. Mr. K basically had Mrs. K fall into his lap. He did nothing to make it happen. Mrs. K was actually on the hunt and saw Mr.K and made an effort to get to know him.

 

For me. My better times, have been when I have let it come to me. When I go out looking for it. It never works out the way I want it to.

 

I wonder why one method works for some, but not great for others and how can you tell which one is suitable for you.

[d0nnivain]

You have to have your eyes peeled & be open to love but you can't give off a desperate vibe. I think many people "on the hunt" come across as needy which prevents them from achieving their goal

[preraph]

I never had anyone just fall into my lap. Though they never knew it, if I was interested in someone, I hunted them and took them down like a lame antelope. No free meals here. Even young, I was very aware never to look hungry. It rightfully scares people off. When possible I'd get in their periphery and try to make them interested in me as a person by trying to be interesting. Try to find a connection other than just physical attraction, in other words.

[CptInsano]

I never really hunted anyone, but I have the nerves to ask women out. Those who responded positively didn't make it all that complicated for me. If the first few dates went well there were no real obstacles to overcome.

 

The title reminds me of what happened to me on the Chicago Blue Line once:

 

She: "Is that seat still free?"

I: "What sea..."

She sits on my lap and smiles.

I: "Oh..."

[diddilybop]

even when i was on a dating app and interested in going on dates, i never made it my major priority, thinking, "I WANT A BOYFRIEND!". i just lived my life and had fun with the guys i met in the meantime. if there was a really good connection, i'd continue to see that person and if there wasn't, i moved on and did my thing.

 

i actually met my boyfriend through tinder and i think what worked, besides having great chemistry, was that it felt effortless.

[hotpotato]

I've had it happen both ways. I have both searched and also had it fall into my lap. I quit searching because i didn't find anyone any faster. Yes, I met a lot of guys while searching, but it was mostly low quality encounters.

 

Searching is very draining. Many happy people i know married the high school sweatheart or married in their early 20s.

[ManOfLove123]

It depends on the person.

 

The inevitable is that yes, some people will have love simply fall into their lap without really looking. These people are more likely to be women, to be good looking, and/or to be natural extroverts who never struggled socially.

 

 

Others don't have the luxury of partners falling into their lap, they have to put in a good amount of effort to find love. Men, the average looking, and the introverts usually make up this category. For these people, finding someone requires a serious effort. They have to approach, they have to learn to get out of their shell because nobody is going to give them any chances on their own. Love isn't simply handed to them, they have to earn it!

[Popsicle]

It's always fallen into my lap when I wasn't looking for it, which is part of why I'm not so sure about OLD.

[hotpotato]

It depends on the person.

 

The inevitable is that yes, some people will have love simply fall into their lap without really looking. These people are more likely to be women, to be good looking, and/or to be natural extroverts who never struggled socially.

 

 

Others don't have the luxury of partners falling into their lap, they have to put in a good amount of effort to find love. Men, the average looking, and the introverts usually make up this category. For these people, finding someone requires a serious effort. They have to approach, they have to learn to get out of their shell because nobody is going to give them any chances on their own. Love isn't simply handed to them, they have to earn it!

 

Im very introverted, and oh boy, ive had some bad luck! People who are more outgoing come to me naturally which has its pros and cons in a relationship.

 

I know someone who is very extroverted. If he had a gym membership, he would talk to everyone. I go to the gym, i work out and leave. I go places, and i look busy and unapproachable. In fact, i have a strict no gym dating policy.

 

Imo some of it is culture. Many people where i live pair up in high school. They spare themselves from dating. Theyre not all good looking either.

[OatsAndHall]

I think you need to strike a balance between the two. I am content with my bachelorhood and life in general but would like to meet someone. I think it's best to learn to live your life and enjoy it while keeping your eyes open for opportunities to cross your path.

 

To be honest, I spent a lot of time "out on the hunt", via OLD and RL and it became too much of a focus in my life. I was content being single but, as I stated above, I was actively searching for a partner. It was fun for awhile but I grew tired of it.

[todreaminblue]

there was this movie that had this thought in it that made me ponder.....and it was that there is always one who is on the chase wanting love more and one who isnt....so if you look at it with that thought in mind whoever is falling into someones lap is actually the one who is chasing.....the doer ....and into the lap of the receiver......

 

for me its normally i am being chased ...and i...give in or stop running.....when i see potential in a relationship.when i say potential ...i mean a relationship that would last....i dont look for love....love always finds me....at least i hope so...deb

Edited August 12, 2017 by todreaminblue

[Mysterio]

This is my life in a nutshell. I work at the hospital as a Patient Transporter. I work out at the local YMCA. I go for long walks around my area. I attend a lot of local music gigs. See my friends and family on a regular basis.

 

So I am out and about. I do not try to turn every single interaction with a woman into some Romantic affair. I do not hit on women or try to be super blunt if I like them.

 

Its that in todays society. With Social media. We are over hyped with what we want and we have our own self value of what we will take as well.

 

For me. The women that have come towards me seem to be of better quality, than the ones I have made an effort with. I just don't like how the dynamic of my life is that, I basically have to wait. I am 46 and when I was younger. I thought it would have been all wrapped up by late 30's. At most. I project that I will live till 90 or so. I just don't like the idea of having everything falling into my lap 10 yrs form now. I don't think I would want to be a father in my late 50's. If I am going to be with a woman. Most likely. I will have to have a kid with her.

 

I guess I have to get rid of a timeline and be happy with what I get. I actually think that having kids and marriage. If you can control it is late 20 or 30's. I feel a lot of us are not so much lonely. Its just that we are tired of the non affectionate lifestyle. We are not players that can go out and get laid all the time. Our family/friends have their SO and we don't want to intrude. Its more like we want to be treated better within a LTR, than with dating random people.

 

All my friends that are in LTR seem happy for the most part.

[preraph]

Mine aren't (happy). One used to be happy.

 

You just have to be open to meeting people and expanding your network. It does get a lot harder the older you get. I tried desperately to make some new friends when I was 50 and anything that got started didn't last. But even friends that don't work out can be fun for awhile and get you out more.

 

I have most of my companionship needs met just fine by my dogs, but I realize not everyone is that way. I was more socialized to animals as a child. When I am in between, I even miss the daily routine of feeding them and stuff like that.

[ManOfLove123]

It's just funny how life goes, we all have different strengths and weaknesses. Things that we may have going for us, others really struggle with. For instance, the pretty girl who never had any problems finding friends, boyfriends and lovers, everybody likes her except for her dead-beat parents who pretends she doesn't even exist compared to the nerdy guy who's parents love him, yet he has no friends and is a 25 year old kissless virgin because he's a socially awkward guy with aspergers syndrome. Two different lives, two different problems.

 

 

And the funny thing is that they'll both be jealous of each other, thinking the other person has it so good. The nerdy guy will be jealous of the women's beauty, of the fact that she never had any problem getting into relationships, finding sex, or making friends because growing up, all he wanted was a beautiful women's approval. The women will be jealous of the man because he had parents who loved him, when all she wanted was to acknowledged by her parents.

Edited August 13, 2017 by ManOfLove123

[Bastile]

What you put in is what you get back. The same as anything in life.

 

I really don't understand the type of thinking in waiting for sexual partners to fall from the sky and onto your bed. Doesn't happen. It's not meant to happen. One of the great natural ways to raise testosterone is to seek out women. That's what our entire body was designed to do.

 

I'm adapting my old routine: three towns over three days. Minimum 20 approaches each week.

 

There is certainly an amount of determinism to this endevour which I find fascinating. But not looking at it in terms of "the universe will provide me with women when the time is right" - that is complete tosh. And simply a way of distancing yourself from self-responsibility for getting your needs met.

 

It's contrary to biology, reason, and living passionately.

 

Determinism of any kind must find a way to co-exist within a more probabilistic framework. That's the position of a realist. It's a numbers game.

Edited August 13, 2017 by Bastile

[hotpotato]

It's just funny how life goes, we all have different strengths and weaknesses. Things that we may have going for us, others really struggle with. For instance, the pretty girl who never had any problems finding friends, boyfriends and lovers, everybody likes her except for her dead-beat parents who pretends she doesn't even exist compared to the nerdy guy who's parents love him, yet he has no friends and is a 25 year old kissless virgin because he's a socially awkward guy with aspergers syndrome. Two different lives, two different problems.

 

 

And the funny thing is that they'll both be jealous of each other, thinking the other person has it so good. The nerdy guy will be jealous of the women's beauty, of the fact that she never had any problem getting into relationships, finding sex, or making friends because growing up, all he wanted was a beautiful women's approval. The women will be jealous of the man because he had parents who loved him, when all she wanted was to acknowledged by her parents.

Sorry if this gets too off topic, but this isn't something men should be jealous of. I'm a veteran dater and a woman. Being treated like a piece of meat gets old which is why I more or less quit dating. i'd prefer being single and PEACE OF MIND than to wonder if this guy

 

is gonna call back

really wants to be my bf/loves me or is just trying to get sex

 

Looking back, i've had very few men actually try to get to know me. I don't get many calls or texts aside from, "Hey want to watch a movie?" or "I want to cook for you?" Both of those are coded language which really means sex. Just about every time i try to date, the guy tries to have sex on the very first date.

 

I've been sexually harassed, sexually assaulted,and stalked as well. Not long ago i had a man try to make me have sex with him in a fitting room, a random guy i'd known for 20 minutes. I rarely mess with guys, and i don't bother meeting a lot of men like i used to when i was younger. Being treated like a walking vjay gets very old.

 

It's not the fairytale some guys think it is.

[Mysterio]

My male friend s. DT'/MK/MO basically did nothing for their women to drop into their lives. They did not make the first move. They did not look them up. Their women basically dropped into their lives.

 

I can look at my life and every time I make an effort. For some reason. It does not go as planned. When the woman makes an effort with me. It seems to more or less go my way. Thats just me.

 

I see women as way more with their guard up socially. I can see it in their faces and how they react with me and others. I hear things in their voices that others don't.

 

If there are two groups. Women that like me romantically vs the ones that I like. My LTR is coming from the Women that like me romantically only. Thats where my LTR came, and lasted a couple of monthsin the past sprouted from. Those womenI have known me for a long time as wel,l or at least a couple of months. The other women in the group that I like. More cold call and barley aquinted. I tried to make conversation with a woman that was at a rock band at our local water front. She was very aloof. I just let it go.

 

I think that my perosnality is warm/kind/introspective. Good Guy vibe. I am not a ladies man. I am not a man whore and I just don't like feeling like I have to be on the make all the time. Its when I sort of don't care about trying to make a connection, where women seem to gravitate towards me. Not when I am activley trying and I am not socially awkward.

 

Even with this site. Its almost like because most of us are more introspective. We want to put methodical thought and effort into our love lives, but our lives won't allow us to do that for the most part. There for some reason. Has to be this element of the unknown and we may luck out with a great person. Or suffer because we were not careful enough.

 

My friend BD put a blind eye to the behavior of his ex wife and just went along with anything she wanted. She divorced him 8 yrs and 2 kids later. He said he did not see it coming. Thats not happening to me if I can help it. At 46. I should and will have the tools to be more decerning when it comes to having a LTR with a woman and even having kids with her. I am not bringing kids into the world without a plan for them or guide them at least.

 

I just look at my married friends and they just seem way more happy than the ones that had to go through divorce or are just common law. Only one Common law couple is happy the others seem like if they have one bad day. Its all over.

 

Why is putting reasonable thought to our love lives, met with adversity. Its like being in school and thinking about a job where you make good money/Being healthy by eating well and working out than being unemployed and not doing things that help you keep fit.

[Mysterio]

Friendship for me is easy. Its Romantic Companionship that is hard on my terms or even a little compromise.

 

I have know two people where the couple were on the same wave legnth about not having kids. It just interesting to me that some people can click and others can't. My parents are 77 and they still fight to this day and are not on the same wave length. I don't know how they are still together. They have been this way at least since they were 37 or so.

 

I like getting along. I prefer my co-workers that strive to get along with me and others. Than the ones that don't. It makes for a better situation. I don;t think I am too hard on women that I meet. We both need the physical attraction and the personality blend as well to make it work, yet in my life. Only when a woman is romantically into me and basically drops into my lap so to speak. At least for a time. It works out well.

 

So that is why I think for some people. The Lap drop works better than being on the hunt.

[littleblackheart]

Fall in my lap.

 

I am so particular about the type of guy I would be compatible with that I statistically stand as high a chance of meeting him by happenstance than by actively looking. I met my exH by chance and even though it didn't work out, I'm a big believer of synchronisity (or meaningful coincidences). If the guy doesn't manifest himself in my lifetime, I will shrug it off as 'not meant to be'.

[SolG]

I think you need to strike a balance between the two. I am content with my bachelorhood and life in general but would like to meet someone. I think it's best to learn to live your life and enjoy it while keeping your eyes open for opportunities to cross your path.

 

I agree with this. It's a happy medium. Hunt for connection, and be open to love.

 

Be content with where and who you are, but be daring in adding more to your life. Be it sex or friendship or more. Each new encounter should be an adventure.

 

Don't checklist the crap out every new date (like some of my friends do!), just appreciate it for what it is. A chance to meet someone you didn't know before. It will lend itself to more... or not.

 

If not then nothing ventured, nothing gained. If so.... then that's where love may just 'fall into your lap'.

 

Or not... But you'll still have the experience. What's not to love about a new connection, however fleeting. Just embrace it all! And be richer for it.

 

For the life of me, I cannot fathom why ladies d this sort of thing. I'm not just picking on you because I have seen this sort of thing before. It's like, a woman is single and would like to meet someone, but you must first know what conditions must be met in order for you to be able to speak to her. Why not just drop all that and be open to talking to someone who is interested.

 

For me the gym is a safe place. I'm there around four to six times a week. It's kind of akin to work. I roll my sleeves up, and get focused. By the time I'm finished I'm sweating, red-faced, craving protein, and slightly unsteady on my feet on leg day!

 

I don't want to feel like I have to be guarded, or awkward, or made up in that environment. I don't want my romanticals all enmeshed with such a great place for release. So I too relegate my gym to a no-go zone in terms of dates or potential partners.

 

Not sure if that makes sense to you ?

[Mysterio]

I am experimenting this year. I am leaning to more falling into my lap. Time and time again. It feels if I put any thought into my love life. Things never go my way. My way is that "Jane", and I meet, click. Have a great time together and keep on that. Any problems that come up are handled in a way that makes us stronger.

 

What I seem to get looking at my past is this. When a woman is into me romantically. She lets me know it. That simple. Any woman I like romantically. There is always a obstacle in the way. I just really don' see myself and even some of the others that are single on this board and in real life. I can't just see us single for life. Its not like in the mean time. I get to have a FWB with another woman, until Jane comes along.

 

I feel like I am ready. I don't want to date a whole lot of women and I have female friends if I want a female perspective on relationships.

 

I don't feel like I am destined to be single for life. Even though I think its over due. There is only so much I can do. I think that the social environment now in 2017. Is a lot different than it was in the late 60's. Seems like my parents getting together was easy. Its not like my dad was married before or mom as well to others. They had no major relationship before. Yet I at 46, feel l am shaper than my parents were when they were in their late 20's, am still having problems just even getting into a romantic relationship.

 

I also don't go up to women all the time soliciting Romantic Intent. I guess me going up to Rosie who works at Starbuck and making an effort and then it actually goes the way I think it will in my head is not realistic.

 

I just wish that those of us who are really wanting a relationship, should just let it go. Yet Emotionally its very hard to. Once again its not really about getting laid or some other unrealistic perception. I just think its hard now a days. Its almost like for those that want it. You have to go through trials and tribulaitons. For those that don't make it a priority. I guess it will fall into your lap.

[hotpotato]

For the life of me, I cannot fathom why ladies do this sort of thing. I'm not just picking on you because I have seen this sort of thing before. It's like, a woman is single and would like to meet someone, but you must first know what conditions must be met in order for you to be able to speak to her. Why not just drop all that and be open to talking to someone who is interested?

 

 

 

I think those people, if they actually stay together, they are the smart ones. Everyone I know who is happily married met when they are young and just stayed together.

 

It's simple, I don't want relationship drama when I work out. Gym is a safe place for me, i go there to pound the weights not date. I go to the gym, workout in peace, and leave happy. I don't have a lot to gain from dating at my gym.

 

I'd much prefer going to a muscle beach for fit guys.

 

If I could go back in time, I would've tried harder to get a high school sweetheart. Most of the ones I know are still together after 10-15 years, and they are around 30. Young love is more free. They haven't been out dating multiple people. They haven't been burned except in some juvenile high school relationship maybe. The more you date, the more you expect out of someone. That list of Wants and Dont Wants just grows and grows. Dating becomes more complicated.

Edited August 15, 2017 by hotpotato

[hotpotato]

I agree with this. It's a happy medium. Hunt for connection, and be open to love.

 

Be content with where and who you are, but be daring in adding more to your life. Be it sex or friendship or more. Each new encounter should be an adventure.

 

Don't checklist the crap out every new date (like some of my friends do!), just appreciate it for what it is. A chance to meet someone you didn't know before. It will lend itself to more... or not.

 

If not then nothing ventured, nothing gained. If so.... then that's where love may just 'fall into your lap'.

 

Or not... But you'll still have the experience. What's not to love about a new connection, however fleeting. Just embrace it all! And be richer for it.

 

 

 

For me the gym is a safe place. I'm there around four to six times a week. It's kind of akin to work. I roll my sleeves up, and get focused. By the time I'm finished I'm sweating, red-faced, craving protein, and slightly unsteady on my feet on leg day!

 

I don't want to feel like I have to be guarded, or awkward, or made up in that environment. I don't want my romanticals all enmeshed with such a great place for release. So I too relegate my gym to a no-go zone in terms of dates or potential partners.

 

Not sure if that makes sense to you ?

 

Same here. i don't want to deal with flirting, making up, breaking up, etc while im tryin to work out. Going to the gym is like a job for me as well.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have also stopped dating for the piece of mind. And I got sick of men trying to pressure me into sex on date 1. I got sick of male friends trying to come over and "catch up", yet when I suggest we catch up outside they are suddenly not as keen

 

I have tried all I could within reason to meet someone but it hasn't worked and now I just want to live a happy and peaceful life.

 

I also have regrets of not trying at all in high school or even college. I was preoccupied with studying thinking that I will have plenty of time for dating later. I wore baggy clothes and didn't wear make up and have actually looked a lot worse than I do now. All the introverted women I know have met their partners (also introverts) in HS/college. They are still truly in love and happy. Past that point, being introverted becomes a huge disadvantage for women.

 

But those times are gone. At this age the market is terrible. I am just going to enjoy the rest of my single life

[SevenCity]

What you put in is what you get back. The same as anything in life.

 

I really don't understand the type of thinking in waiting for sexual partners to fall from the sky and onto your bed. Doesn't happen. It's not meant to happen. One of the great natural ways to raise testosterone is to seek out women. That's what our entire body was designed to do.

 

I'm adapting my old routine: three towns over three days. Minimum 20 approaches each week.

 

There is certainly an amount of determinism to this endevour which I find fascinating. But not looking at it in terms of "the universe will provide me with women when the time is right" - that is complete tosh. And simply a way of distancing yourself from self-responsibility for getting your needs met.

 

It's contrary to biology, reason, and living passionately.

 

Determinism of any kind must find a way to co-exist within a more probabilistic framework. That's the position of a realist. It's a numbers game.

 

I took this post as finding someone youreally love, not just for sex.

 

Sex can be found fairly easily especially when you are doing as much approaching as you are - it's a numbers game. I don't even see 5 girls In a year I would want to date so my approaches are extremely limited and I primarily use OLD.

 

I've had good success as far as sex, but failed miserably to find one I wanted for more than that.

 

The times I have found a woman I wanted to keep around long term were the times I stopped looking and they just fell in my lap. Not to say I didn't take charge and pursue her, but I specifically was not looking for anyone at the time.

 

I'm not saying it will happen by not trying, but every LTR I was in happened when I least expected it.