Falling into your Lap vs On the Hunt for Love

[BluEyeL]

i didn't read the answers but I have to say that anything worth having is outside your comfort zone.

 

If it just falls in your lap and it's great, I'm all for it, but if what falls in your lap is not quite all that, it is better to make an effort and look for what you need. My first marriage, he "fell into my lap" and I said "eh, that's what fell from the sky" and I married it. Not a good idea.

 

In my experience, and I'm 45 yo, good things, big things, in general, do not fall into everyone's lap. I'd love it if it wasn't the case.

[Mysterio]

Several of my male friends had it fall into their lap are very happy. Those that are looking always had it harder.

 

I am sort of in between. As I have said before. Just looking at the number and putting women in two groups. The women that came towards me. It went more my way. The women that I made the effort towards dating. It never goes my way in the sense that there is a great connecting and usually an obstacles.

 

I personally have to try to put it out of my mind. I thought that along the way for example. I would have fun with Mary/Pam/Sue and then meet Jane and click with her until we can't do it any more or just keep on having fun with her.

 

It seems like I don't need to date a whole lot more women. I am 46 and it just feels funny to be dating at this age. I would really like to settle down with one women. I have no fun trying to get a woman to go out with me romantically. I just am not meeting those types of women. They all seem guarded to me somehow.

 

I don't know whats going on. The actually setting up a date or just going out with a woman romantically is loosing its fun. Even if you take the physical thing out of it. Its like todays women expect sparks right off the bat. How about building a foundation first and then put the electricity in it afterwards.

 

I went out with Three women in the last 5 yrs. Woman !. I was chill and did not try to put the moves on her. Just low key. Nothing happend. Woman 2. I was low key. She becamemy GF for 5 months. Woman 3. I was very semi aggessive in the sense that I was more physically affecitonate with her, and she liked it, but it did not lead to us dating.

 

You never know how its all going to work out. I think for me it more about my restlessness than who is in my field of vision. Perhaps the men on this board have more expectations of the women we date than the women do for us.

[hotpotato]

I think this sort of philosophy is part of the problem for many people though. Don't want to meet people at the gym, because you're there to work out, not meet people. Ok. Other women say they refuse to meet guys at work, because they're there to work, not date. Or college, have to study. If you expect to find someone, you first have to actually be open to finding someone.

 

I see what youre saying. The gym just makes me too happy to want to date there. Don't sh*t where you eat.

 

I agree with you here 100%. I look back on the GF I had back then, and she married the very next guy she met after we broke up. They've been together ever since, over a decade now. I remember what dating was like back then. Before people had stupid check lists, before everyone had a bunch of baggage...it was just nicer, freer, as you say. Every single happily married person I know met their spouse when they were young. Kinda sad for the rest of us, actually.

There was this guy at college i wish i had tried harder with. He seemed to like me, but he wouldn't ask me out. If i had dated him, i may not have met my abusive ex.

[hotpotato]

I could understand a bit more if it was a job or something. That can cause some problems. Still, I have dated women from work before and very glad I did it. One of the ladies I dated from the gym last year stopped going to that gym the moment we stopped seeing one another. No issues there. I would suggest erring on the side of meeting people, especially if you actually want to meet people.

 

For me, it kind of is a job. I wouldn't want to feel uncomfortable. My gym is very small so I'd have to see them. I like my gym and my routine.

 

I think most of us think back at someone from our past this way. I remember a girl back in high school that used to have a huge crush on me. She was cute, but for some reason, I was always interested in some other girl and never went out with her. This was like 10th grade. She met some other guy that year, they dated through the rest of high school, went to prom, got married, and are still together. I saw her on FB a while back and I was just thinking how dumb I was to let a great girl go. Not to mention, she barely looks like she has aged at all. Most of the more attractive girls I knew back then, they didn't age so well.

 

Awww.

I was at college, and one guy i kinda liked just happened to be in that class. it was so strange. It turned out he was still with his high school sweetheart, and he's still with her today. In fact, I saw her on college campus. I correctly guessed they were still an item. Then I met the other guy. I so wish i wouldve tried harder.

[Bastile]

I took this post as finding someone youreally love, not just for sex.

 

Love is a complicated and fascinating thing.

 

Sex can be found fairly easily especially when you are doing as much approaching as you are - it's a numbers game.

 

Starting to approach was one of the hardest things that I did in my life. And I sort of feel like I'm starting over.

 

Approaching cold is probably the most difficult social interaction a person can have. It's building something out of absolutely nothing.

 

I don't even see 5 girls In a year I would want to date so my approaches are extremely limited and I primarily use OLD.

 

I can't relate to that.

 

In my favourite venue, I sometimes do laps of my favorite part of town.

 

That lap is probably about 30 minutes. During, I see about 3 girls that interest me.

 

You are probably walking just to get from A to B, not noticing or having any interest in people.

 

I've had good success as far as sex, but failed miserably to find one I wanted for more than that.

 

Not a straighforward subject for me. Honestly, I often prefer just to play the player role in a lazy manner with people both IRL and on here to not address the topic.

 

In a nutshell, I believe that monogamy makes very little sense to a man either rationally or spiritually.

 

That is a conclusion which I've come to. I certainly did not always think this

 

I've had the best relationships since operating from this position. Ironically, a position of seriously questioning the value of exclusivity at all.

 

Women are the most ironic creatures on earth. And I love them for it, even if it frustrates me at times.

 

The times I have found a woman I wanted to keep around long term were the times I stopped looking and they just fell in my lap. Not to say I didn't take charge and pursue her, but I specifically was not looking for anyone at the time.

 

I'm not saying it will happen by not trying, but every LTR I was in happened when I least expected it.

 

Sounds like superstition to me.

[Mysterio]

Everyone has a different dynamic. I think that I have high expectations. I just feel that my friends that were more methodical about their love lives. They just come off as a bit more happy.

 

For me. I can't see myself with anyone other than the woman would have to be single/widowed/divorced with out kids and then may be one or two kids.

 

I just think I would work better without kids. I just can't see myself with a woman that has 4 kids with two different fathers. We would have to click on a level that I have never felt before and we would have to gel together.

 

I think the best thing for me is single and childless.

[preraph]

Mysterio, there are both online forums in meetup groups for child Free People. And the key word is child-free not childless. I am currently in a women only meet up for child-free women and they're a nice group of women some of them are married some aren't. Google child-free forums and the larger ones will often ask people where they're from in case they want to mingle with each other but for the most part the forums are a support Forum not a dating forum. There are a lot of child-free women out there.

[Mysterio]

Okay I will take a look Prehap. I just look at myself and lifestyle and I am a guy that likes to go out most of the time. I am not a homebody.

 

I just like being resonably methodical about life. If I can be with a woman that is single and child free. I think that works best. If she has a 17 yr old with her. I am not going to be pushing out the child out of her house.

 

A lot of my questions on our board is derived out of semi frustration in the dating world. How it works. I feel like a lot of my friends feel that they got lucky with their SO so why bother keep on searching. The only way I could see staying in the world of dating would be. A lot of women want to date me and show me a great time. Even if we take away the physical aspects of it. Each situation is different

 

To be honest. Our board is basically to vent. As we get older the pool of available women shrinks and people are more locked into certain lifestyle dynamics.

 

For me I just want a change from single hood. I just am trying to figure out the pattern of life when it comes to dating. I feel that a great lady will fall into my lap. I should just internally chill a little bit more. Than being on the hunt. The hunt thing does not suit me. I don't have that savvy to make it work for me. Unless I pick up on if she likes me.

[preraph]

^ Well, you do have to get out there to meet people, and a childfree group is just one more way to network and expand your acquaintances, get invited to a party or something like that. It is harder as we get older, that's for sure. I'm glad I'm well past the point of caring!

[SevenCity]

Love is a complicated and fascinating thing.

 

 

 

Starting to approach was one of the hardest things that I did in my life. And I sort of feel like I'm starting over.

 

Approaching cold is probably the most difficult social interaction a person can have. It's building something out of absolutely nothing.

 

 

 

I can't relate to that.

 

In my favourite venue, I sometimes do laps of my favorite part of town.

 

That lap is probably about 30 minutes. During, I see about 3 girls that interest me.

 

You are probably walking just to get from A to B, not noticing or having any interest in people.

 

 

 

Not a straighforward subject for me. Honestly, I often prefer just to play the player role in a lazy manner with people both IRL and on here to not address the topic.

 

In a nutshell, I believe that monogamy makes very little sense to a man either rationally or spiritually.

 

That is a conclusion which I've come to. I certainly did not always think this

 

I've had the best relationships since operating from this position. Ironically, a position of seriously questioning the value of exclusivity at all.

 

Women are the most ironic creatures on earth. And I love them for it, even if it frustrates me at times.

 

 

 

 

 

Sounds like superstition to me.

 

Let me start off by saying I love your posts and agree with nearly everything from you I have read to date. You truly seem to understand approaching women and the mindset of women in general.

 

I've done many cold approaches in my day (not nearly as much as you) and I've had successes and failures. Having been involved for the better part of 17 years had prevented me from doing it.

 

The lack of women I see is a direct result of my suburban location. I never considered the "single" seen when buying my house as I was not single. I've come to the realization that what I want is not here so I'm going to start looking for a job in the city which will increase they type of women I find attractive.

 

In my youth I had sex with a fair amount of women. In the year I've been single I've added another 5 with a few who turned into STRs. What I've found is that I would easily trade them for one women I want long term. Sex for me gets much better and more intense as feeling develop. The closeness I've experienced in my past has ruined me for casual sex. After the initial score I tend to lose interest without her having the qualities of a long term partner.

 

The other side of the equation is I'm terrified of catching something. I bag it every time but you can still catch something despite a condom. So whereas I don't think your views on monogamy are wrong, they just don't align with what I want at this point in my life.

 

But back to my superstitions, it had been my experience that the women I've had the deepest connection with were ones I found when I wasn't looking for it. It's not to say I didn't take the initiative, just that my mindset was one of "I don't care". I met my last (serious) ex at work (I literally went across to the other elevator bank and put my foot in the door to stop it) and was not looking for anything but fell deeper in love with her than any woman in my life. I do want that again, but I'll settle for one that doesn't have me looking at my watch wondering when the hell shes gonna leave

 

So in the meantime I'll date and have sex with women, but it's not what I really want. I would venture to say most guys would be happier in a relationship.

[Mysterio]

It's just funny how life goes, we all have different strengths and weaknesses. Things that we may have going for us, others really struggle with. For instance, the pretty girl who never had any problems finding friends, boyfriends and lovers, everybody likes her except for her dead-beat parents who pretends she doesn't even exist compared to the nerdy guy who's parents love him, yet he has no friends and is a 25 year old kissless virgin because he's a socially awkward guy with aspergers syndrome. Two different lives, two different problems.

 

 

And the funny thing is that they'll both be jealous of each other, thinking the other person has it so good. The nerdy guy will be jealous of the women's beauty, of the fact that she never had any problem getting into relationships, finding sex, or making friends because growing up, all he wanted was a beautiful women's approval. The women will be jealous of the man because he had parents who loved him, when all she wanted was to acknowledged by her parents.

 

 

Looking at what you have written. I see the not having a woman a way more of a problem than the parenting thing. Most people that have their parents around them are not pining for their parents, when they are going on dates and having a lot of romantic attention on them. Esspecially if they are on their own.

 

The guy having romantic problems is the one that is having super problems for the most part than the girl that has a cold relationship with her parents.

[Ruby Slippers]

I have also stopped dating for the piece of mind. And I got sick of men trying to pressure me into sex on date 1. I got sick of male friends trying to come over and "catch up", yet when I suggest we catch up outside they are suddenly not as keen

 

I have tried all I could within reason to meet someone but it hasn't worked and now I just want to live a happy and peaceful life.

 

I also have regrets of not trying at all in high school or even college. I was preoccupied with studying thinking that I will have plenty of time for dating later. I wore baggy clothes and didn't wear make up and have actually looked a lot worse than I do now. All the introverted women I know have met their partners (also introverts) in HS/college. They are still truly in love and happy. Past that point, being introverted becomes a huge disadvantage for women.

 

But those times are gone. At this age the market is terrible. I am just going to enjoy the rest of my single life

I think I'm going to get off dating sites, take a break, and just see if it happens naturally. If not, I suppose I'll make the best of being single.

 

Recently I've really tried to give it a chance with somebody, but 3 guys in a row have acted completely entitled to sex on date 1 or maybe date 2. A guy I've known for FIVE DAYS just told me tonight he "can't wait forever for sex". After FIVE DAYS!! This guy and I both presented ourselves on the site as looking for a real relationship. He seemed so nice and genuine.

 

I also have had weak dating "strategy". But I'm just not calculating about love.

[Cookiesandough]

I've known for FIVE DAYS just told me tonight he "can't wait forever for sex". After FIVE DAYS!!

 

.

 

hahahahahah jeez, people

[Mysterio]

The way I see it. Unless she is basically my GF. I don't try to have sex with women. 5 days and they can't wait is a joke.

[Ruby Slippers]

People are stupid, and they are incredibly lazy when it comes to relationships. Dude couldn't even pretend to be decent for a week before his true nature became apparent.

Of several offenses, possibly the worst is that he's obviously not very intelligent. I liked him a lot and thought there was real potential. If he hadn't thrown a tantrum, it probably wouldn't have been too long before it happened. Now I'm so glad I waited - FIVE WHOLE DAYS

[Mysterio]

My thing about waiting to be a couple offically is that I think that if I had sex with a woman right away. I fear that we would get pregnant, then our relationship would be rushed and fall apart.

 

If I ever am blessed to have a child. That child will be coming into a loving environment, with parents that love each other. When people have sex. I can't imagine having sex with a woman 5 days after dating her or meeting her. Not without protection. Making out and heavy petting. Intercourse. No way. I am not going to be caught off guard with a unexpected pregnancy at age 46.

 

I learn from family/friends about that and I don't want that to weigh my life down in a way that is not great for me.

 

The only thing that I feel sad about not having a kid is that, my Mom who is 77, may not meet her grandchild in real life. So for me. If I do end up with a woman and we both feel we are for the long haul. I may give up not really wanting kids stance and have a kid soon, as long as we are married after a year. We will let it happen.