Losing Hope

[OldFashionedDreamer]

Hello everyone

 

I hope that this is the right place to ask this question and any advice would be greatly appreciated, as I know my story won't be unique.

 

I am married and have two children with my wife, and one step child from my wife's previous relationship. My daughter is 5, and my son is 2, my stepson 15 going on grumpy old man. My wife and I have been married 5 years this year.

 

I just want to begin by saying that marriage and a family was always my dream.

 

I met my wife and immediately knew that she was special, and that in many ways she was the one who I had been waiting for. The relationship became very intense very quickly, some would probably say too quickly, but hey - when you know you know, right? Very soon we fell in the club with our daughter and the dream we shared was well on the way.

 

After the birth of our beautiful daughter though, things started to change very dramatically. My wife was absolutely annihilated by post natal depression and it was truly heartbreaking to see. I did all that I could and supported her in every single way that I could, because there was nothing I could do other than that. Inherently I knew that no matter what I did, it wouldn't make her feel better. It affected every aspect of the relationship, which is understandable, and I felt the appropriate thing to do was to not focus on us as a couple, but do everything I could as a parent and let her recover and get better in her own time.

 

She did begin to get better in time, which was great to see, and she returned to university to complete her degree, which was brilliant. She has so much ambition and it was awesome to see her getting back to where she wanted to be. To help her I left my job to look after our daughter and I hoped that taking the pressure of child care away would be a massive boost. But the depression came back in waves and unfortunately she had to leave her course as she wasn't in the right place for it, which I understood.

 

I stayed at home for some time after this to help and be supportive and in some way there was a return but I don't feel our relationship as a couple ever returned to normal. There was a 5 or 6 month period where my wife just wasn't comfortable with sex or physical contact and I completely respected and understood that.

 

I am not a man who believes physical intimacy is my right, or the be all and end all. in the grand scheme of things, her health was and still is more important.

 

We did return to some level of normality as I say, but there was something which didn't seem quite right but I could never put my finger on it, so put it down to my own anxieties.

 

We had another child, our beautiful son, and the post natal depression returned again. We were better placed I think to know what to do because of the past experience, but we got into much the same cycle where we focused on the parenting rather than us as a couple so that my wife could recover at her own pace without any pressures.

 

In short, much the same things happened and slowly but surely we again returned to a level of normality, but still some way from how things were between us at the outset. The intimacy side of things didn't though, as although she seemed willing, I felt it was one sided and in some way I eventually began to feel like it was something she felt she had to do, or was obliged to do... which didn't make me feel good so I distanced myself physically. Like I said before, I don't feel entitled and I would rather wait until she was ready.

 

I felt if we took time, and slowly began to focus on us as a couple, the old magic would return. I certainly wasn't in any rush. I know I'm lucky.

 

At the same time that this was all happening, it has become apparent that our daughter has behavioural difficulties, which we believe are ASD related and as such she is on the pathway for diagnosis. Over the course of time her behaviour has progressed to the point where from the moment she wakes up we're constantly fighting fires, and dealing with melt downs and diffusing arguments between her and her little brother who now, as a toddler, is learning from her behaviour and becoming increasingly difficult too.

 

This escalation has meant that every night when I return from work, my wife is quite rightly tired, spent fed up and needing time to herself to just relax a little before we both have to get on with the everyday tasks which need to be done. I completely understand how my wife feels, and I end up feeling so guilty going to work and leaving her to deal with the children all day.

 

When I have a day off, we can't spend time with the children together because of our daughters difficulties, and it tends to be a case of divide and conquer. The upshot of which being that even when I'm off work, we don't get time together either as a family, or as a couple.

 

My relationship with the children isn't fantastic as I have to spend so much time at work, to be blunt to make ends meet. I leave early and am often back when they are in bed. Finances are hard for everyone at the moment and I know a lot of people have to work what they have to to pay the bills. But when I am with either of them on my own, our relationship seems so much better when they have my undivided attention.

 

It's a vicious cycle, and we are at the stage where we have discussed together how we aren't even a couple any more. There's so little time for anything other than the essentials and we have drifted considerably from where we once were. She has also confided in me that she believes she may have been the victim of sexual abuse when she was a child which was a horrendous bombshell. I had no idea, and I can't tell you how I felt (on her behalf). Again, I wasn't angry for me, I was angry and upset for her.

 

Being entirely honest this has put even more distance between us as I want her to have all the space she needs to get the help that she needs, which she is seeking however the counselling has a 26 week waiting list to begin. But I’m so happy she has reached out and is looking to get some answers and deal with what is such a horrible situation for her.

 

I don’t want the next passage to come across as selfish, or that I’m ungrateful. But I have felt that after years and years of standing back and being supportive and doing what needed to be done that I have been left behind a bit. And that I don’t feel I can be honest about how unhappy I am or how unfulfilled I feel, for fear of adding pressure where it’s not needed. In short, I’m terrified that the best thing all round would be for me to remove myself from the situation and focus on improving my relationship with the children meaning my wife would get a proper break at the weekends, and also not have the pressure of feeling like she wasn’t giving me any focus or attention. I have never said that to her, but she has said to me that this was one of her worries. I, of course, have told her that she shouldn’t apply that pressure to herself as she has enough going on.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I feel like my world has crumbled around me to dust. I just want to do the right thing.

[somuchfortheone]

Ok - I will say it appears from reading your post 80% of the issues in your marriage are from stress...let me just say that, yes, you could remove yourself from the situation and find another woman...but those stresses will be much worse with her, I promise you. If you and your wife have little patience for your children, you cannot even imagine what little patience another woman will have for your children. Sure you may get lucky and find some incredible woman who will have more patience with your children than you do--- but I seriously doubt it.

Financial stresses - those will be worse separated

Let me also say...you have to learn to communicate how you feel..regardless of whether or not you feel like you have a right to those feelings...they are your feelings...look where you're at ...you've ignored your feelings so long, now you want to just walk away and start a new life.

If you cannot communicate with your wife of many years...you think you'll be able to communicate with some new woman? No...you're going to keep making the same mistakes...you need to vocalize how you feel...and be raw...say you feel selfish...say you've wondered if there's hope...ask if it would be easier to walk away...have those difficult conversations...

I promise you the grass isn't greener. The love you guys have hasn't gone away...its just been buried under all of this crap that life has thrown your way...and life isn't going to stop throwing crap at you (even with a new relationship)....you'll be going home to an empty house...have to learn a whole new person, juggle seeing your kids, hope she can put up with them, or live two separate lives...money problems...

 

 

My suggestion would be to TALK to your wife...tell her these things...get in therapy together...have a date night at least once a month, I'm sure someone can handle your daughter for an evening...I would just really recommend really truly trying to save your marriage (TOGETHER...meaning communication...rawness, etc)...before just throwing in the towel...causing a lot of hurt, blowing a lot of money...dating a few girls...having a lot of guilt...only to wish you would have done that and wonder what if you had...

 

 

 

 

Hello everyone

 

I hope that this is the right place to ask this question and any advice would be greatly appreciated, as I know my story won't be unique.

 

I am married and have two children with my wife, and one step child from my wife's previous relationship. My daughter is 5, and my son is 2, my stepson 15 going on grumpy old man. My wife and I have been married 5 years this year.

 

I just want to begin by saying that marriage and a family was always my dream.

 

I met my wife and immediately knew that she was special, and that in many ways she was the one who I had been waiting for. The relationship became very intense very quickly, some would probably say too quickly, but hey - when you know you know, right? Very soon we fell in the club with our daughter and the dream we shared was well on the way.

 

After the birth of our beautiful daughter though, things started to change very dramatically. My wife was absolutely annihilated by post natal depression and it was truly heartbreaking to see. I did all that I could and supported her in every single way that I could, because there was nothing I could do other than that. Inherently I knew that no matter what I did, it wouldn't make her feel better. It affected every aspect of the relationship, which is understandable, and I felt the appropriate thing to do was to not focus on us as a couple, but do everything I could as a parent and let her recover and get better in her own time.

 

She did begin to get better in time, which was great to see, and she returned to university to complete her degree, which was brilliant. She has so much ambition and it was awesome to see her getting back to where she wanted to be. To help her I left my job to look after our daughter and I hoped that taking the pressure of child care away would be a massive boost. But the depression came back in waves and unfortunately she had to leave her course as she wasn't in the right place for it, which I understood.

 

I stayed at home for some time after this to help and be supportive and in some way there was a return but I don't feel our relationship as a couple ever returned to normal. There was a 5 or 6 month period where my wife just wasn't comfortable with sex or physical contact and I completely respected and understood that.

 

I am not a man who believes physical intimacy is my right, or the be all and end all. in the grand scheme of things, her health was and still is more important.

 

We did return to some level of normality as I say, but there was something which didn't seem quite right but I could never put my finger on it, so put it down to my own anxieties.

 

We had another child, our beautiful son, and the post natal depression returned again. We were better placed I think to know what to do because of the past experience, but we got into much the same cycle where we focused on the parenting rather than us as a couple so that my wife could recover at her own pace without any pressures.

 

In short, much the same things happened and slowly but surely we again returned to a level of normality, but still some way from how things were between us at the outset. The intimacy side of things didn't though, as although she seemed willing, I felt it was one sided and in some way I eventually began to feel like it was something she felt she had to do, or was obliged to do... which didn't make me feel good so I distanced myself physically. Like I said before, I don't feel entitled and I would rather wait until she was ready.

 

I felt if we took time, and slowly began to focus on us as a couple, the old magic would return. I certainly wasn't in any rush. I know I'm lucky.

 

At the same time that this was all happening, it has become apparent that our daughter has behavioural difficulties, which we believe are ASD related and as such she is on the pathway for diagnosis. Over the course of time her behaviour has progressed to the point where from the moment she wakes up we're constantly fighting fires, and dealing with melt downs and diffusing arguments between her and her little brother who now, as a toddler, is learning from her behaviour and becoming increasingly difficult too.

 

This escalation has meant that every night when I return from work, my wife is quite rightly tired, spent fed up and needing time to herself to just relax a little before we both have to get on with the everyday tasks which need to be done. I completely understand how my wife feels, and I end up feeling so guilty going to work and leaving her to deal with the children all day.

 

When I have a day off, we can't spend time with the children together because of our daughters difficulties, and it tends to be a case of divide and conquer. The upshot of which being that even when I'm off work, we don't get time together either as a family, or as a couple.

 

My relationship with the children isn't fantastic as I have to spend so much time at work, to be blunt to make ends meet. I leave early and am often back when they are in bed. Finances are hard for everyone at the moment and I know a lot of people have to work what they have to to pay the bills. But when I am with either of them on my own, our relationship seems so much better when they have my undivided attention.

 

It's a vicious cycle, and we are at the stage where we have discussed together how we aren't even a couple any more. There's so little time for anything other than the essentials and we have drifted considerably from where we once were. She has also confided in me that she believes she may have been the victim of sexual abuse when she was a child which was a horrendous bombshell. I had no idea, and I can't tell you how I felt (on her behalf). Again, I wasn't angry for me, I was angry and upset for her.

 

Being entirely honest this has put even more distance between us as I want her to have all the space she needs to get the help that she needs, which she is seeking however the counselling has a 26 week waiting list to begin. But I’m so happy she has reached out and is looking to get some answers and deal with what is such a horrible situation for her.

 

I don’t want the next passage to come across as selfish, or that I’m ungrateful. But I have felt that after years and years of standing back and being supportive and doing what needed to be done that I have been left behind a bit. And that I don’t feel I can be honest about how unhappy I am or how unfulfilled I feel, for fear of adding pressure where it’s not needed. In short, I’m terrified that the best thing all round would be for me to remove myself from the situation and focus on improving my relationship with the children meaning my wife would get a proper break at the weekends, and also not have the pressure of feeling like she wasn’t giving me any focus or attention. I have never said that to her, but she has said to me that this was one of her worries. I, of course, have told her that she shouldn’t apply that pressure to herself as she has enough going on.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I feel like my world has crumbled around me to dust. I just want to do the right thing.

[OldFashionedDreamer]

Hi

 

Many thanks for your reply. It's always good to hear another opinion from the outside looking in. Moving on to someone else is the last thing I'm thinking of though! The removing myself was to focus on improving things with the children, at the same time giving my wife a break from them and some space, to hopefully then begin to renew our own relationship.

[somuchfortheone]

If that's truly what you want...to work on your relationship...I don't see how removing yourself will really solve your problems...that will A) not teach you to communicate your feelings and B) only put more stress on your wife because you won't be around as much to help with the children...

 

 

Y'all have to find solutions to these problems you have...it starts with communication...and connecting...

 

 

Run her a bath...give her a back massage...turn off the TV/put down your phones and talk when the kids go to bed...or have a glass of wine...lay in the bed and snuggle and have pillow talk...make the most of that little time you have...those things (for me at least) help with intimacy...it is really easy for a woman to get focused on her to-do list...those acts helps refocus us and help us be open to intimacy...it may not be immediate but I really think it'll help...

 

 

I would also suggest taking the love language test (both of you)...that will really help her learn how you feel loved and help you learn how she feels loved....and that will really help your intimacy and communication and connection.

 

 

Love Language Profile for Couples - The 5 Love Languages®

 

 

Hi

 

Many thanks for your reply. It's always good to hear another opinion from the outside looking in. Moving on to someone else is the last thing I'm thinking of though! The removing myself was to focus on improving things with the children, at the same time giving my wife a break from them and some space, to hopefully then begin to renew our own relationship.

[kazen]

Maybe you had a different expectation what a married life was going to be like? Because what you describe regarding your family and wife is typical from what I grew up with. The old saying goes, once you have kids, your couple days are over. It's full time parenting mode. I don't think I have ever seen my parents did couple things. It's always about raising the kids. We weren't rich and my dad works everyday. I wouldn't see my dad much, my dad has only taken me to the park once my whole life. But as a child, I knew dad works hard and deserve my love for that. And my mom spend most of the day doing house chores and cooking and looking after us. We have a big family. There was not once my dad ever complain about his life. He and my mom argue sometimes, but it's what married couples do. Other times, it's more play fighting. Anyways, I don't really see a problem except you didn't expect sex and intimacy with your wife to go away. But if you talk to older men who has been in marriage a long time, they would tell you that's how it is. You'll get sex less and less overtime. It's always been a joke about how miserable married life is. The tv show "Married with Children" is all about that subject. I was taught that being married and having a family is about self-sacrifice, your needs and happiness is put aside for the sake of the family. I think you just have to man-up and accept it. When your kids are all grown, you and your wife will get more free time to be a couple again. In the mean time it's all about the kids.

[knabe]

I don't have a solution, but my heart is heavy for you and your family. It's difficult to navigate all that and NOT be exhausted and discouraged. Are there local programs or schooling for your daughter that might give you both some respite?

[preraph]

You two have some very big issues to deal with, both of you. You didn't mention if your wife has a job, so I'm assuming not.

 

You have your hands full with the kids and I'm sure it's overwhelming normally. I'm not sure the best way to best take care of the kids, but unfortunately for both of you, this has to be the first consideration. Maybe it is best if you could somehow have joint custody, but usually that's more 50/50, not just you getting the kids on the weekends. She'd still be needing to do all the taxi-ing through the week and cooking all the time and have the biggest house mess, in other words. Not sure she'd agree that was equitable, but I understand someone has to work, but thought you said she went to school, so maybe she would be able to work if you both shared custody 50/50 and you'd both need some substantial income and you'd both need ordinary childcare as well as special childcare for the child with ASD.

 

 

As far as splitting from a financial standpoint, having two homes is going to increase the overall financial needs quite a bit just because of two residences. So for the children's benefit, I think maybe that has to be your first consideration: How to best provide for the children. Easier financially to live together and maybe if the wife wants to work to also get a break from the kids, you can go ahead and use some of that extra income for some childcare to take the strain off both of you a little. As you know from having stayed home before, a person needs at least an afternoon once in awhile to just run errands and then at least another one to take a nap. So maybe childcare even on one of your days off or her days off could help.

 

Certainly you two should discuss it, but you shouldn't (and I know you wouldn't) lead with "not having sex is killing me."

 

If it were me, I might first ask if she'd like to get a job and hire childcare to change it up a little, get her out of the house. Just ask her. She may say NO, I'm not leaving my kids to the care of some stranger. She may think about it and figure out that she needs a change and a break and go for it. Not that it might be easy for her to get a job or at least one that pays what she would hope, so that might be another period of disappointment.

 

That's where I'd start. Give both of you a break. If you both get a break, you'll both be happier and less tension and less tiredness. I'd start there. Get help. If housework is a bone of contention, get a maid once a week or so as well.

[sandylee1]

This isn't how marriage is meant to be and your expectations of marriage aren't unreasonable.

 

I think you should discuss a separation with your wife. It sounds like a miserable existence and will push you into a depression.

[ayoung73]

I agree with ‘Somuchfortheone,’ leaving will only increase your problems sevenfold! You have mentioned that you care for your wife and want things to be better, well, leaving will only exacerbate her issues and what support she thought she had has now left. TALK to her, express your concerns, how you feel, your expectations, and make sure she knows that you love her, say it, and that you want to build a better relationship with her! Is there anyone who can watch the children while you all try to work on your relationship with a professional or just have a night away to talk to each other? Maybe you’ve given her too much space, she may be feeling alone and abandoned already (I don’t know, just spit balling with what you’ve written). And please reconsider divorce, marriage isn’t all wine and roses, it’s tough, just like life, some have it easier it seems, but maybe they’ve already walked through their test of fire! My wife and I have survived losing a house, jobs, infidelity, etc. etc., our relationship is far better now than ever! Our kids are happier and we are so careful about keeping in touch with one another. I don’t say this to rub your nose in our happiness, but I say it to demonstrate that sometimes out of tragedy a rose blooms, a relationship is strengthened, and a family grows closer together. It sounds like your patience, strength, etc., is running thin, don’t make any rash decisions, I’m sorry for your troubles, seek professional help, ask a friend to help out. You said you’re working, my wife and I started our counseling with a work wellness program that offered several free sessions with a therapist, maybe you go to church, ask your pastor for help or recommendations. Love is hard, relationships aren’t easy, there is no easy fix, it’s been a long battle for my wife and I but quite frankly, I’m better off…stay the course!

 

I know these may seem a bit elementary, the suggestions, but often times we’re so caught up in the moment and in pain that we don’t see the simplicity of the situation and too often we defeat ourselves by believing such a simple answer cannot outmatch the gravity of our situation. Believe me, it is all too often the simple answer or gesture etc. that gets the job done. I will be praying for you and your family!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, some people seem to have gone off track in thinking the OP wants a separation or divorce. I think he clarified that that was not his intention in one of his posts. All he said was that he would take up with his kids on the weekends so that his wife got some rest and relaxation as during the week he is busy from early morning till late at night. His lament was that by taking up the slack on the weekends he would end up further distancing himself from his wife.

 

OP, as Kazen has said Married life is a far cry from the bed of roses that you probably had in mind when you first met your wife. With marriage you can either have your cake or eat it but not both. I am sure, since your wife already had a son from her previous relationship, that she would have told you about her tendency for post part um depression. If she did then both of you should have been prepared for the worst. In any case now that you are faced with this situation you have to find the wherewith all to handle the situation as best you can. Have you tried psychiatric treatment for your wife's condition? Is she open to it? I would think that with modern medicines there would be something out there which would make a big difference to her condition. Whatever it is you have to tighten your belt and face this situation like a man. Your whole family's happiness depends on it.

 

You should try counselling to enable you to handle the stress you are facing with equanimity. Your wife too, will need to contribute positively by maintaining a cheerful attitude rather than presenting a glum face to you when you get back in the evenings. At the same time you should find ways and means to get some stolen moments with her to maintain your marital bond. Marriage counselling may help here. Warm wishes.