Marital problem

[Camelia69]

Hi I am new to this forum was difficult for me to come on here but have heard it helps to hear other people's advice. I have been married for 7 yrs and after 5 yrs of trying to conceive I have been blessed with an 18 month old baby.

 

Throughout our marriage and while trying to get pregnant we fought because we had difficulty agreeing on fertility treatments, come to find out we needed a sperm donor after alot of convincing from my family, his and myself he agreed. We always wanted 2 children but now he has changed his mind and has hurt me so much as a result of it.

 

We fight, we barely have sex, I have lost 60 lbs post partum, he has always said he likes thin girls. I am a very sexual person and can't get enough but every time he rejects me I think something is wrong w me. He is having financial problems too working 2 jobs so he has a lot of stress.

 

I don't know what to do I love him and don't want to divorce him but resent him for not wanting to give me another baby and for all the fights and his decreased sex drive. What would u do?

Edited August 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[JHandy]

He is having financial problems too working 2 jobs so he has a lot of stress.

 

I'd start there. The rest may stem from this huge stress. He likely thinks there is no money for baby 2 and he definitely doesn't have the time.

 

He's being very harsh on you and very likely taking out his life's frustrations on you.

 

Is it fixable? Yes, but he has to want to do a lot of work.

 

I would get into marriage counseling asap.

 

At least for a while you and him focus on his jobs and money problems and see if he's open to the two of you brainstorming on solutions. Sex may need to wait until the stresses abate. Be his partner in his problems. The faster these issues get worked out the faster you can get into discussing baby 2.

 

If he doesn't work with you you need to lay the line with him. He's not playing fair right now and he should know somehow that he's crossed the line.

[Rockdad]

Camelia you have somewhat mirrored my humble beginnings. The financial problems, I worked two jobs and still wasn't making the bare essentials. I was denied sex. At that time it was maybe once or twice a month. I was so depressed and aggravated I wasn't getting any physical affection.

 

I was naturally worried constantly how I was going to make the bills. It is a whole lot of pressure and worry how I was going to take care of my little family. It could be your your husband is feeling a great deal of stress.

 

I didn't even have my 1st child paid off which had gone into collections and my ex got pregnant. Yes I was happy because I loved being a dad more than anything but very scared to death. I didn't even have one kid paid off before I now had to figure out where to get the money to start prenatal.

 

I can tell you 2 years later with all the stress and long work hours I found myself in the hospital for several days with severe bleeding ulcers. Great how am I going to pay for this plus be off work. Ulcers don't heal over night and I struggled with bleeding for a very long time.

 

It maybe not the time for your family to get pregnant. Perhaps that is what your husband is communicating with you but only in a neanderthal way.

You asked what would you do. Accept the fact we can't always have what we want when we want.

 

Life and things will change they always do. It's just a matter of when.

Edited August 11, 2017 by Rockdad

[Camelia69]

I want to be happy. And I haven't brought up the 2nd child topic up in months we've had marriage counseling it didn't help. He has anger management issues, he yells for no reason I feel when he's stressed he lashes out. He wanted me to lose weight I did, still he won't touch me, won't cuddle even. His friends are constantly saying how hot I am and all that and he doesn't. I feel like he's checked out. I am sad and tired don't know what else to do.

[JHandy]

I want to be happy. And I haven't brought up the 2nd child topic up in months we've had marriage counseling it didn't help. He has anger management issues, he yells for no reason I feel when he's stressed he lashes out. He wanted me to lose weight I did, still he won't touch me, won't cuddle even. His friends are constantly saying how hot I am and all that and he doesn't. I feel like he's checked out. I am sad and tired don't know what else to do.

 

It's not you. It's his jobs and having no time. See if you can connect with him regarding his work and finance. Can you work with him and create a common base for which you both can create common goals to get out and ft the mess?

 

Id leave everything else to the side right now.

[d0nnivain]

Marriage is a two way street. But this thread is only about what you want with no regard to how bad he feels at present.

 

You wanted a baby. He gave you a baby through a sperm donor which was a very difficult decision for him because the child you are raising together is biologically yours but not his. Yes, love not DNA makes a family but you don't seem to have given much thought you how emasculated he must feel through this ordeal. You got what you wanted --a baby you got to carry. What did he get? Of course his ego & therefore his sex drive took a huge hit.

 

Now the other area where he can "be a man" -- money / providing for his family -- is taking a hit yet you want more sex & another expensive baby.

 

Geesh. I can see why he's reluctant to give you either.

 

Power down & trying loving your husband for the great guy he is. Now is the time to prop him up not tear him down.

[sandylee1]

Considering he needed convincing by both families and yourself, it's clear he wasn't keen on going the sperm donor route.

 

Don't bring another child into this relationship until you are in a stable place.

 

Maybe you'll need to accept having just the one child.

[Popsicle]

What's making HIM feel good?

 

Probably nothing.

 

This is how men start cheating.

[Camelia69]

I know he made a huge sacrifice and decision when he decided to go the sperm donor route. This doesn't excuse how he is treating me. He called me fat so I lost the weight now he wants me to lose more. He doesn't touch me which makes me feel like something is wrong we me. I am 12 yrs younger than he is, he doesn't regard or care about my feelings. He loves staying out and for the record I stopped talking about another child because I want a happy marriage first. All I know is he needs to help improve the situation too I can't do it all. To the ladies how long have u not had sex with your man and how did the rejection make u feel. It makes me feel horrible. And to the men were u in a similar situation? How and why did u have a low sex drive?

[elaine567]

He loves staying out...

What do you mean by that?

[stillafool]

I don't understand. If you guys are having financial problems and he is already working 2 jobs how do you expect to afford another child. I certainly can understand your husband's point of view on this. He may be avoiding sex with you because he's afraid you will try to get pregnant.

[sandylee1]

Have you considered he might be cheating? He's out a lot. He doesn't want to have sex with you. All the arguing. Do some digging.

 

You know a colleague told that when he was suffering from ED, he didn't tell his wife and kept declining sex.

 

Then he overheard her on the phone to her friend and saying it's probably because she gained weight... Then she joined a gym. He used the conversation against her and said he wasn't keen because of her weight.

 

Until she was literally starving herself, did he confess the truth.

 

The problem isn't your weight... It's something else.

 

Why don't you straight up ask if he wants the marriage or not, because his behaviour in rejecting you is making you question things.

 

Unless he realises you are serious enough to leave, he won't change.

 

He's lucky he has a wife 12 years younger, who even his friends admire, yet he's not into you sexually. After loosing 60 pounds, unless you were morbidly obese, you must be quite trim. How thin does he want you?

 

I'm assuming he's Mr. Superfit and perfect, hence he feels it's okay to have a go regarding your weight.

 

I can't imagine that, because my husband has never in over 20 years of being together ever declined sex with me and I can't imagine it ever happening

[salparadise]

You two need to start playing for the same team. At the most fundamental level, what a man wants most is to make his wife feel happy and taken care of. He gave you the child (not his biologically), working two jobs and having trouble making ends meet. Stressed, exhausted, maybe depressed, probably having worthiness issues.

 

If you're expressing dissatisfaction at home the way you are here, and laying it all on him, then it's no wonder that his sex drive is a casualty. For example, in the original post you said, "He is having financial problems too," as if it's entirely his problem. Are you transmitting that feeling to him?

 

You may not be getting everything you want, but I guarantee you that he isn't either. The longer this continues as a push-pull between you the less likely it will ever be resolved. Pull together with him at every opportunity. Make him feel appreciated. Empathize. Make him feel like the man of your dreams... and with a little luck (plus smarts and hard work), you enable the possibility of making dreams come true.

 

The five A's of mindful loving... Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection, Attention, Allowing

Edited August 12, 2017 by salparadise

[Camelia69]

I know for a fact he is not cheating. I am a size 6 and 5ft 3 trying to lose more but I know when he's stressed he picks fights over nonsense goes from 0 to 60 bad temper yells in front of our toddler and storms out to find solice, going for drives or networking events etc. Every time he rejects me from sex I feel worthless like what's wrong w me. I am trying my best to hold the fort down keep my family but the stress lately has been making me feel down and turn to food for comfort I hate it. Then I hate myself for eating my emotions. He doesn't get it. I tell him I'm on Ur team don't push me away. His stress and exhaustion decreases his sex drive. He agreed to use a donor because he couldn't get me pregnant so that's not the reason he's withholding sex.

[stillafool]

But pressuring him for another baby is not helping him. Especially when he couldn't give you the first one. BTW your size has nothing to do with him cheating. Men cheat on skinny wives all the time.

[Trail Blazer]

The guy sounds depressed. His depression could be through a combination of pressure within the marriage, and perhaps he's got low T or some kind of cureable sexual dysfunction as well.

 

Don't focus on yourself being sad. Focus on how you can make him feel happy and secure within his relationship. At some point it should start paying dividends. In the process, try to understand what makes him tick and what would make him happy.

 

If none of that works, you need therapy. The root cause analysis method can rarely be done by two highly strung and emotional people. You need a third party professional opinion and structured pathway plus two people on board.

 

Good luck.

[aileD]

Why Are you considering having another baby if there is financial trouble? How can you afford it?

 

Maybe start with fixing his job and finances and the rest might be easier

[Trail Blazer]

Why Are you considering having another baby if there is financial trouble? How can you afford it?

 

Maybe start with fixing his job and finances and the rest might be easier

 

I agree with all the points on wanting more kids when there is financial problems. Kids add so much stress in a relationship, but it is hard to balance that with happiness if the relationship is lacking financial resources and/or is toxic.

 

It is reckless and irresponsible having kids when you can't afford them. I know this first hand having fallen prey to some financial problems which have caused rifts in my relationship with my wife.

[basil67]

When making the decision to have a child via donor sperm, it sounds like he was pretty much bulldozed into the idea by you and your families. Could it be that he holds lingering resentment over how this was managed.

 

Tiredness, stress and resentment would also account for his lack of interest in sex with you.

[S2B]

I know for a fact he is not cheating. I am a size 6 and 5ft 3 trying to lose more but I know when he's stressed he picks fights over nonsense goes from 0 to 60 bad temper yells in front of our toddler and storms out to find solice, going for drives or networking events etc. Every time he rejects me from sex I feel worthless like what's wrong w me. I am trying my best to hold the fort down keep my family but the stress lately has been making me feel down and turn to food for comfort I hate it. Then I hate myself for eating my emotions. He doesn't get it. I tell him I'm on Ur team don't push me away. His stress and exhaustion decreases his sex drive. He agreed to use a donor because he couldn't get me pregnant so that's not the reason he's withholding sex.

 

You can't know for a fact.

 

Stop assuming he isn't. He sure acts as if he is!

 

And if he is it has NOTHING to do with you or your size - be sure of that.

 

But get help to gain strength - you should never allow anyone to treat you the way he's been. Stop allowing that! Kick him out if he acts that way agin.

 

Consequences would help him understand you're not taking crap from him anymore!

[shellybing]

I want to be happy. And I haven't brought up the 2nd child topic up in months we've had marriage counseling it didn't help. He has anger management issues, he yells for no reason I feel when he's stressed he lashes out. He wanted me to lose weight I did, still he won't touch me, won't cuddle even. His friends are constantly saying how hot I am and all that and he doesn't. I feel like he's checked out. I am sad and tired don't know what else to do.

 

Sometimes we check out in order to make sense of everything going on.

 

Sometimes it comes back for the better if the relationship is strong.

 

Letting down your guard a bit might help, instead of worrying about the wants, maybe it might be best to just settle in to having a child and everything. It is a major step in life, and I am sure after the new baby smell wore off stuff got pretty real for both of you.

 

It might be best to let it go for a while, and just live as your are until you both are more prepared and in better spirits before having another baby.

[sandylee1]

It always amazes me when someone says "I know for a fact he/she isn't cheating". Unless you have 24 hour surveillance on then you can't know for a fact.

 

Was he someone with a high sex drive to begin with?

 

Does he have a good relationship with your child and spend quality time with him/her?

 

Is he actually happy to be a dad?

 

Fatherhood isn't for everyone and maybe be just resents the whole situation.

 

I really think the sperm donor issue should have been decided between the two of you, without involving family.

 

I can't imagine how I'd feel if my husband's family spoke to me about having an egg donor if I was unable to produce eggs, knowing that I'd already discussed it with my husband.

 

I think that was far too much interference in a very sensitive matter.

[salparadise]

It always amazes me when someone says "I know for a fact he/she isn't cheating". Unless you have 24 hour surveillance on then you can't know for a fact.

 

I don't know how this theme cheating and the assumption that he's a scoundrel became part of the discussion –– she says she doesn't believe he's cheating, so I don't think we should be randomly rewriting the narrative to fit love shack's favorite vilification when there is no evidence or even suspicion.

 

When making the decision to have a child via donor sperm, it sounds like he was pretty much bulldozed into the idea by you and your families. Could it be that he holds lingering resentment over how this was managed.

 

Yea, I'm thinking the same... it's as if how he feels about not being able to biologically father children, the assumption that substituting a stranger's sperm should matter not to him, the way it was decided [unanimously] by her family, perhaps without consideration for how he feels... I wonder if he feels caught up in a swift current not of his choosing, unable to keep his head above water, and all the help he's getting are more expectations, with him having little say in the decisions?

 

I wonder if he feels respected and cherished for who he is, vs. to success at fathering children, generating wealth, obedience, etc. Not to mention the "happy wife, happy life" factor, which has been shown to be at least somewhat true (and I'd say a whole lot true).

 

No mention has been made of OP's career and contribution to relieving some of the financial burden, so I wonder if the expectation in reality is as one-sided as is intimated in this thread. I don't condone angry outbursts, of course, but I'd be interested in hearing his side of the story.

Edited August 13, 2017 by salparadise

[d0nnivain]

I can understand that you feel bad when your husband rejects you for sex. I suspect that has more to do with the sperm donor then your weight. He feels like less of a man because he couldn't give you a baby with his sperm now that has effected his sex drive. Any money problems you are having add to his feelings of emasculation.

 

Still she should not be calling you names. Have you told him how much it hurts when he does that?

 

You two may need marriage counseling to get to the bottom of this & to solve it.

 

He stays out to avoid coming home, to avoid you & the baby that is not biologically his. It's a big mess

[Camelia69]

I am a realtor did good for myself until I had the baby now my whole time goes to her since we can't afford a nanny and daycare it's expensive. She consumes all of my time literally and both our families live in other states. I used to be happier he never had a high sex drive to begin w I did. But when he's unhappy it effects his sex drive. He says I treat him like a kid I don't see it at all. I tell him to tell me when I am so I learn from it and don't. I will work on that more. I guess I miss him we used to always laugh he didn't want to do the sperm donor route but that was the only way to have my baby to carry. We tried for 5 yrs naturally spent lots of money nothing helped until we found out his sperm was bad. Now my baby girl is 18 mts he adores her but I feel like his patience wears thin he is 46 yrs old 12 yrs difference between us. He tells me he wants me to work but my thoughts how when I don't have time to myself she literally takes up all my time. He doesn't get it. I love him but hate his anger and he doesn't realize how much his words hurt me or rejection of sex. We've done therapy it didn't help he wouldn't do the homework I am trying to juggle everything but it's hard when I feel like I'm alone. He works 2 jobs yes I appreciate him for that but I work too raising a child not easy when no family or support is there. I get what u guys r saying he's stressed but what now we have a child and he gets on my case about my weight, parenting style, he has ocd therefore wants the house clean all the time it's like OMG I'm only 1 person.