We're talking again

[doglover98]

My ex and I decided to take a break about 10 days ago. After we decided to take a break, i gave him a couple of his things back. 5 days into the break we decided to officially end things. I texted him after asking for a few of my things he still had at his house, and he responded that he would drop them off the next day.

 

It's been 5 days since he said he'd drop it off. It's nothing I desperately need but I'd like to just get my stuff back. I hope that eventually we can work things out, but he goes away to school and that might not happen until after we both graduate. I know for a fact he just forgot about it but I still love him and it's kinda hurtful that he forgot so quickly.

 

Should I text him, reminding him that I want my things? Or just leave it alone? Or wait a while then text him. I don't want to come across as needy, especially because I hope that we can reconnect eventually and I don't want me breaking no contact to ruin that. Any thoughts???

[basil67]

Don't text, call. Agree to a time and place that the two of you will meet and do the handover.

 

And it's not needy to want your stuff back.

[thefooloftheyear]

Not necessarily saying this is true for the OP, but I think somehow people intentionally use this as a way to not "officially" let go...

 

When you hear about the stuff that people want back, it wouldn't amount to practically anything of real value...Old clothes...An alarm clock, whatever.....insignificant stuff..

 

 

I dunno...If its stuff like that just forget about it...Its obvious you are hurting, so why create another setback for yourself?? And if its stuff of real value, then have a friend call/text him and arrange to get it back...This way you don't have to talk to him, see him, his place, etc...

 

Think about it another way...Even if its your own stuff, that stuff will forever remind you of this time...Every time you look at that shirt or that nick knack, whatever....You get another setback..

 

Like I said...Unless its valuable family stuff, money, whatever, just forget it...Buy new "stuff",,,

 

 

TFY

[springy]

Following an ex on social media is not good for a heartbroken person. It will be a long time before you can make a genuine attempt at being friends; likely years. August will be too soon. He broke it off so he could enjoy the college experience. It's quite common. What else is going on in your life? Are you in college too?

[kortz]

How long until you should break NC?

 

You shouldn't. NC is for you to focus on yourself and move on, not to make him miss you.

 

From my own experience when i was at collage many years ago and trying a long distance relationship, it doesn't work. Your LDR isn't special and you two are not the exception to the rule, if you were he'd still be with you.

 

If he's joined a frat and is out living up then he saw your relationship as holding him back a bit and got out of it so he could enjoy himself. Only if HE comes back and breaks NC should you engage with him and even then be careful and don't bite if he's just dropping you a few breadcrumbs.

 

You need to assume its over and you should get on with your life. Might sound harsh but don't waste your collage years over something like this, he's not.

[d0nnivain]

No. A new brother at a fraternity has no time to miss his EX back home. He's too busy having fun. It sucks. It's hard. I watched a lot of my college friends go through this with their HS BFs back home. It's tough to sustain an LDR through college. I give you credit for holding it together for 18 months.

 

You should not break NC. The dumpee (you) can't repair the relationship. Only the dumper can initiate reconciliation. Two months after you broke up you can't be just friends. Do you really want to hear about the hot chick he met at the last frat party?

 

You should concentrate on healing from the end of your relationship. You have to wrap your head around the fact that you won't hear from him again. Sorry.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry you are hurting. You are probably not going to reconcile in a few years. At that point you won't want to anyway.

 

Pestering him until you get your stuff back is not needy. It's persistent. Just show up when you know he'll be there, knock on the door, get the stuff & leave.

 

Unfriend him off social media. Looking at his happy posts will only upset you. Out of sight out of mind.

[doglover98]

My ex and I kind of mutually decided to end things about 11 days ago, we've been doing NC for 6 days. My definition of NC is not talking, texting, messaging, snap chatting, or any type of direct contact. But I still check up on his Facebook, twitter, and all of that multiple times a day.

 

I'm really hurting after this breakup, I always imagined us ending up together, we dated for over 2 years. I still have a lot of hope for us, even if it is reconnecting after a few years. Maybe this hope is unrealistic but it definitely has helped me feel okay about everything. I know its probably gonna stretch out the breakup for me, but I just can't stop feeling hopeful. With the social media aspect, Im having a tough time not checking up on his profiles multiple times a day. I just am constantly wondering where he is and what he's doing, even though when I find out he's out with friends it just makes me feel worse. I know I should block him, but at the same time I know I don't have the self control to make it last. I guess the only thing I can think of to stop stalking him is time, but if you have any other ideas on how to stop checking in with him anything helps. I'm trying hard to fill my time with distractions, but I don't have a ton of friends to hang out with all the time. A lot of the time I don't have much going on, so it makes it so easy to constantly check social media.

[Blanco]

My ex and I kind of mutually decided to end things about 11 days ago, we've been doing NC for 6 days. My definition of NC is not talking, texting, messaging, snap chatting, or any type of direct contact. But I still check up on his Facebook, twitter, and all of that multiple times a day.

 

Well, your definition of No Contact is wrong and ineffective.

 

NC means you don't know what's going on in the other person's life. They could get married and you wouldn't know, because you aren't keeping tabs on their life.

 

As to your thread title, I found that a couple of things helped:

 

1) I treated all social media like it was LinkedIn. In other words, if I saw her page on any SM site, she got notified of it.

 

2) Hand on the stove method: This is learning the hard way and you WILL experience it if you keep stalking. Basically, I saw a couple of things I probably didn't want to see and it felt like a cannonball to the stomach. I think of that feeling any time I get the itch to sleuth.

[springy]

You are not in nc. Self control will come when you get tired of hurting yourself.

 

Get a life going for yourself. No friends? Join a club/take up a hobby of something you're interested in and perhaps meet people who will be a good friend fit for you. Get out and exercise, take walks, go to the gym, volunteer somewhere. There are things to do, if you really want to feel better. Your ex should have never been your "all".

 

How long were you together and what was the reason for the breakup?

 

Just took a quick glance at your other thread and saw that you never returned to it. :/

Edited June 16, 2017 by springy

[preraph]

Good grief you act like you have no control over this. Make up your mind to get past this and then do it.

[raizel]

I have been making the same mistake as you until recently.

Didn't directly contact him, but I was still checking his facebook and stuff. Doesn't help that our mutual friends keep posting videos/photos of him on their snapchat stories (i've stopped opening them).

 

The trick to NC is to pretend that they never existed. Out of the sight, out of mind.

Just try that for 2 days and you will realise that you are able to get by without knowing what he's up to.

[doglover98]

You are not in nc. Self control will come when you get tired of hurting yourself.

 

Get a life going for yourself. No friends? Join a club/take up a hobby of something you're interested in and perhaps meet people who will be a good friend fit for you. Get out and exercise, take walks, go to the gym, volunteer somewhere. There are things to do, if you really want to feel better. Your ex should have never been your "all".

 

How long were you together and what was the reason for the breakup?

 

Just took a quick glance at your other thread and saw that you never returned to it. :/

 

Thanks for the advice, I decided to plan a trip abroad for 3 weeks with a close friend of mine to help myself heal and focus on myself more. If you read my previous thread, the reasoning behind the breakup was kind of confusing. But basically I think he had been drifting ever since he joined a new frat at school and made new friends. I was always feeling like I wasn't as important to him as he was to me and he admitted he hadn't treated me right during the breakup. I guess overall he's just not in a place in his life to be in a relationship because of school and partying, etc. We were together for 2 years and about half of it was spent long distance.

[doglover98]

Not necessarily saying this is true for the OP, but I think somehow people intentionally use this as a way to not "officially" let go...

 

When you hear about the stuff that people want back, it wouldn't amount to practically anything of real value...Old clothes...An alarm clock, whatever.....insignificant stuff..

 

 

I dunno...If its stuff like that just forget about it...Its obvious you are hurting, so why create another setback for yourself?? And if its stuff of real value, then have a friend call/text him and arrange to get it back...This way you don't have to talk to him, see him, his place, etc...

 

Think about it another way...Even if its your own stuff, that stuff will forever remind you of this time...Every time you look at that shirt or that nick knack, whatever....You get another setback..

 

Like I said...Unless its valuable family stuff, money, whatever, just forget it...Buy new "stuff",,,

 

 

TFY

 

Thank you for the advice. I think you're right that I don't necessarily need anything back. Deep down I do hope that maybe he doesn't want to let go, but I know he most likely just completely forgot which kind of sucks.

[doglover98]

Well, your definition of No Contact is wrong and ineffective.

 

NC means you don't know what's going on in the other person's life. They could get married and you wouldn't know, because you aren't keeping tabs on their life.

 

As to your thread title, I found that a couple of things helped:

 

1) I treated all social media like it was LinkedIn. In other words, if I saw her page on any SM site, she got notified of it.

 

2) Hand on the stove method: This is learning the hard way and you WILL experience it if you keep stalking. Basically, I saw a couple of things I probably didn't want to see and it felt like a cannonball to the stomach. I think of that feeling any time I get the itch to sleuth.

 

Thank you for the 2 ideas. I think for me the second idea is more likely to work. Its tough seeing your ex having fun with friends so soon after our breakup. I guess I'm just looking for any signs he's hurting too. Every day that goes by I think I realize more that this is over and that I need to focus on myself to heal and forget about him. Thanks again for the advice, I might start unfriending some of his friends that post things on social media to further get him off my feed.

[kortz]

Thank you for the 2 ideas. I think for me the second idea is more likely to work. Its tough seeing your ex having fun with friends so soon after our breakup. I guess I'm just looking for any signs he's hurting too. Every day that goes by I think I realize more that this is over and that I need to focus on myself to heal and forget about him. Thanks again for the advice, I might start unfriending some of his friends that post things on social media to further get him off my feed.

 

Wait till the day comes where you see him in a picture with his arm around another girl or something like that. If you think seeing him having fun is painful, you've experienced nothing yet!

 

You can put an end to it now and save yourself that grief, or you can wait for that freight train of pain and emotions to come out of no where and knock you back to the stone age! The idea of letting yourself get stung a little isn't good in my opinion and that's speaking from experience. All it will do is prolong your healing, not make you better. Delete him and block him for your own good, whether he's hurting or not doesn't change your situation in the slightest.

[doglover98]

Good grief you act like you have no control over this. Make up your mind to get past this and then do it.

 

Easier said than done. Thanks for the negativity.

[doglover98]

My ex and I have been broken up for about 2 weeks and in NC for about one. I know it's dumb to be hopeful but I'm just curious how long NC lasted for you? And if they contacted you first.

 

My breakup was semi mutual, but in the end he was the one to officially say it. I don't plan on contacting him first at all, but I'm hoping/wondering if he will contact me at some point. Let me know your experiences with this, and when/if you gave up hope.

[Darien 76]

Been in no contact approximately ten months and I'm still feeling miserable. He left me for his ex and it feels awful knowing how happy they are and how awful and lonely I feel. I spend time with friends and family, go to work, therapy, watch movies, etc., and I wish I feel better but I really don't. I'm starting to wonder what to do to help myself more. I never heard from him again.

[SpecialJ]

He reached out to me over and over for 4 months to ask to be just friends in spite of my only answering every couple weeks to remind him I wanted space after he dumped me. We've been NC over 3 months since I gently guided him into why he really needed to stop contacting me to be friends.

[preraph]

Easier said than done. Thanks for the negativity.

 

I think you mean "reality."

[doglover98]

I dated my ex for a little over 2 years. A good portion of our relationship was spent long distance because of school. We decided to end things for mutual reasons. I felt like he had become distant since making new friends at school, and he admitted he hadn't been a good boyfriend to me the past few months. I still have a lot of hope for us. He's home for the summer right now and if he wasn't going back to school in September I think there is a very strong chance we could've gotten back together. He said he doesn't want to get back together then go right back into long distance.

 

We haven't talked since the breakup (1 week), but I'm still having trouble not checking up on him on social media so I guess it's not full no contact yet. He's been hanging out with a girl from high school a lot this past week and I know they have been talking a lot. I don't think they're officially dating and I don't think they will. Before we dated she liked him a lot but I guess she's not totally his type so they never got together. I know that even if they date it won't last, which makes me feel better. I'm guessing he's hanging out with her so much as a way to distract himself from me? Do you think this will help him get over me, or just miss me more. I kind of hope to hear from him before he goes back to school, so I'm wondering if this might induce that. If I don't hear from him by the end of August I know we're over.

[lana-banana]

He's your ex. You're already over, you just haven't accepted it yet. If a man is not doing everything to prove he wants to be with you, he's not interested.

 

You're both so young and have so much growing up to do. This is a time for exploration and self-discovery, not clinging to the past. Make a list of personal goals and try to fulfill them---for you, not to impress him or anyone else. In a few years you'll hardly recognize the person you are today, and that's a wonderful thing.

[Spartakooty]

I disagree with the buy new stuff, like somehow a blanket is now a toxic reminder of the failed and unrequited love. It's just stuff. I just polished off a bottle of single malt scotch she bought for my place...was still every bit as good...it's just scotch.

 

I was dumped two months ago and made it a point to bring her stuff back right away because I simply didn't need it at my place. She was "Oh, there's no rush..." I'm like, 'ya there is...here's your sh** back.' Ok, I didn't quite say it that way..

 

Why spend more money on new stuff? Once you're over the hurt you'll likely feel a bit silly by not getting your things.

[Blanco]

I'm going to be harsh, but just trust that it come from a good place.

 

if he wasn't going back to school in September I think there is a very strong chance we could've gotten back together. He said he doesn't want to get back together then go right back into long distance

 

But he IS going back to school in September, so it doesn't really matter what you think might happen if something that isn't going to happen... happened. Ya dig?

 

It's sort of like saying, "If J.Lo dated me, I think there is a very strong chance she would make me breakfast in bed every morning."

 

We haven't talked since the breakup (1 week), but I'm still having trouble not checking up on him on social media so I guess it's not full no contact yet.

 

It's not any contact of no contact. You still are checking in on his life, thus, you are in contact to him. Part of NC is that you break off the source of information. You're still getting the information, but just from less direct sources.

 

He's been hanging out with a girl from high school a lot this past week and I know they have been talking a lot.

 

You shouldn't know the first part and I'm afraid to ask how you know the second part.

 

I don't think they're officially dating and I don't think they will.

 

Thing I learned from breakups is that you can never assume what you know what the other person will do. A serious ex started chatting up someone soon after we split who seemed like an odd fit for her, and I convinced it couldn't go anywhere. Well, that was years ago, and I'm pretty sure they are still very much together and building a life together.

 

I know that even if they date it won't last, which makes me feel better.

 

Again, no you don't. The aforementioned ex of mine? Yeah, our mutual friends were taken aback by her new partner and weren't sold that it would last. We have all been proven wrong.

 

I'm guessing he's hanging out with her so much as a way to distract himself from me? Do you think this will help him get over me, or just miss me more.

 

I'm sure it's a nice distraction from the other stuff, but you cannot bank on it somehow not being enough to help him move past this relationship.

 

I kind of hope to hear from him before he goes back to school, so I'm wondering if this might induce that.

 

Why would him dating someone else increase your chance of hearing from him again?

 

If I don't hear from him by the end of August I know we're over.

 

No need to wait. You two officially broke up, so it's already over. Him casually dating someone is a step in the other direction from reconciliation.

 

Look, I know how you're feeling. You're still in denial that it's over, and true, none of us can say with more certainty than anyone else that it is over for sure. You're grasping for straws because it's more comforting and seems more logical than what is really happening.

 

It hurts, but you need to treat this as a sign that he his moving on with his life, not as a sign that he will eventually come back to you.