We're talking again

[Blanco]

You're both young and not physically close to one another. I know it's easier said than done, but don't keep investing more time on a relationship that likely didn't have a long shelf life, anyway.

[doglover98]

You're right. I have 110% been keeping my distance from him and I think recently he's finally missing me (even if it's not enough for him to want to reconcile). Just all this feels like I'm back at square one. The hope that he will contact me is actually killing me. I feel like I did a week after the breakup, even though now I'm 2 months into the breakup. I just cannot accept that it's over and I don't understand why. Wishing time would go by faster.

[doglover98]

You're both young and not physically close to one another. I know it's easier said than done, but don't keep investing more time on a relationship that likely didn't have a long shelf life, anyway.

 

I guess so. I think we just had a lot of bad luck, under different circumstances maybe things would have worked. But for not I guess I just need to focus on moving on. So far I haven't had much luck with it, but it takes time I guess.

[doglover98]

So I posted yesterday about how I saw my ex and I was curious if anything might come of it. And last night he actually texted me, almost out of the blue I guess? I just got back from a trip abroad and I was away for 3 weeks. I posted A LOT on social media, a big reason being I wanted to make him jealous - and I honestly didn't expect to hear from him for a really long time. I think I did make him somewhat realize what he missed because (in my previous post) he was posting a lot on social media that indirectly was sent to me. Idk when I saw it, it made me feel good that he was missing me.

 

Anyways, he texted me last night just basically asking how my trip was. Its been 2 months since we've spoken. And since then we've kinda just been catching up talking about what we've been up to since things ended. We haven't talked much at all about our relationship, or what we're looking for out of talking, or who we've been with since things ended. It's been really nice to hear from him. But I'm kinda terrified to see where this is going. Does he just want to be friends? Or get back together? Honestly I still have feelings for him but I have a lot going for me when I go back to school so I was kinda not planning on getting back together until winter break. If that's even what he wants. But he's been so excited to tell me about all these things going on in his life, like he found this podcast I guess and kept saying how much I was gonna love and and how when he first listened to it he thought of me. And like before we said goodnight he said "I really can't tell you how great it has been talking to you I hope we can talk soon or even meet up or something like that". I just don't know because he goes back to school in almost 2 weeks and I don't know if I can do it. We didn't work out last time because of distance, but if we were to try again, I only have 2 more years of school before I get my masters. And one year of my masters which I could do at his school, while he finishes up his senior year. It could be perfect, but maybe I'm rushing into things? Life is all about risks and before he reached out I've felt like I've been back at square one in the heartbreak process so I feel like I have nothing to lose. Any advice?

[d0nnivain]

You two didn't have bad luck. You both made choices that lead to your break up.

 

Somewhere in here you both were with other people, That's not luck It's a choice.

 

You were high school sweethearts. Now you go to different colleges. Although you were in the same town for summer break you are about to be apart again He's going back to his fraternity brothers & you are going back to your school friends Do that Stop trying to hang on to the past.

 

And No, the drunk tweets don't mean anything.

[doglover98]

So my ex and I were together for over 2 years. We've been through a lot together and a lot of our relationship has been spent long distance since we're both in college. I'm a year older, so he just finished he freshman year an hour away, whereas I go to school at home (we met in high school). Anyways, we broke up for kinda of a lot of small reasons? On my part, I think I was too dependent on him in the relationship (we shared all the same friends, etc.) and also I was somewhat possessive and jealous while he was away. On his part, after he joined a frat at school that became his entire life, and I didn't feel like a priority anymore. When he came home for the summer I had high expectations to see him much more than was possible. He works full time at home so we barely saw each other and that caused a lot of arguments that eventually led to our demise. It was generally mutual, but he ended it in the end.

 

We texted the day after about returning personal items, but besides that I went into NC. Recently I went on a trip abroad for 3 weeks to hopefully clear my mind and try to move on. I honestly never expected to hear from him for at least 6 months or more, I thought he had easily moved on. We work at the same place but it's extremely rare we ever run into each other. When I got back from my trip, I ran into him at work. It was so short of contact and as soon as we made eye contact, I immediately turned around and left. Later that night, he texted me.

 

We had been officially broken up for 2 months when he reached out. Basically he just asked me about how my trip was, saying he'd seen pictures online. It's been about 4 days since we've started texting again. We haven't really talked about the breakup or anything yet and we saw each other yesterday in a group for a short period of time. I honestly don't know if he wants to just be friends or get back together, but I think he's leaning towards getting back together. He's been super sweet to me over text, telling me all these things he's been wanting to share with me during our breakup. And saying things like how incredible it's been to talk. He's even been bringing up things about the future that we can do together.

 

I'm a bit confused, because he goes back to school in 2 weeks. Originally I was planning on waiting to get back together until he comes home for winter break. But if we're going to be talking, why not just get back together? I've made a lot of big plans for myself for the upcoming fall semester, so I'm going to be pretty busy. Last year, I visited him almost every weekend, but there is absolutely no way I'd be able to do that this semester.

 

I know someone might say don't get back together and stop talking, but what's life if it's not taking risks, and I feel like I don't have much to lose. I know I need to talk to him about where we both want this to go, and hopefully we can meet up sometime soon so we can accomplish this. If anyone has any advice, or gone through a similar experience, I wouldn't mind a new perspective!

[kfey]

Sounds like each of you have feelings for each other still. But I would temper your expectations because while it might be worth it to give it a try again, it's going to be a lot different. You have some things to work on with dependency, jealousy, possessiveness. And he has a life at college that you should be mindful of too. I think you had very high expectations of him and the relationship, and when those weren't met it hurt. I get that. If you try it again, be guarded but also lessen the pressure you're putting on the relationship and on him.

[trustyourself]

My advice to you is that the timing seems like it is off.

 

He is going back to school, so the LDR issue will still be present, and the issues you had will still arise.

 

It does seem like the connection is still there? If so, then maybe you can rekindle something in the future. 2 months is not enough time to grow and figure out what you both want in life.

[kfey]

It also seems like you two are very young, like 19–20 years old. Know that all people change a lot during the years of, say 17 to 22, at which point one tends to reach adulthood in earnest. As each of you grows, expect the dynamic of the relationship to be much different than it was in high school/early college, and learn to let go of how that felt. Instead, be open to what it could turn into if you reconcile and remain together.

[doglover98]

My ex and I decided to break up in early June and it was generally a clean break. We had a lot of problems that came from our long distance relationship because of college. A big part of it was that I was so dependent on him and with him away I became jealous and controlling. But also he began to distance himself from me which together led to our demise. He's been home for the summer and we went into NC for a little over 2 months. I went on a trip overseas to help myself heal, and didn't expect to hear from him for a long time. When he basically ended things, he made it clear we were over at least for a couple years. So I still had a lot of hope for us after college.

 

We work at the same place, but it's a rare occasion we ever see each other. Not long after I got back from my trip I ran into him at work but it was very brief and neither of us said anything to each other. Later that night he reached out to me for the first time asking about my trip. We talked that night and just caught up with each other's lives. He told me about this podcast he listened to that he thought was so perfect for me and was really excited to fill me in on the past 2 months of his life and mine. For the next couple days we texted on and off and about a week in, we met up to have ice cream and hang out.

 

After we got ice cream, we went back to my house and watched a movie. We still hadn't discussed at all what we were or if we wanted to get back together. Most of the night we kept a distance, but we had been drinking and eventually we ended up having sex. I know it was a bad idea and way too soon, I just couldn't help it. In the moments leading up to it, he told me how much he missed me every day we were apart and that he still loved me and a bunch of other sweet things.

 

The day after we didn't talk much. I was feeling a little stressed out about it until that night he told me he was feeling really confused and strange about everything. He said he agreed with me that he wanted to actually try and take things slow with me. I agreed and told him that if we were to work out, we couldn't go straight back into our old relationship. Then I told him that if he decided he just wanted to be friends and didn't plan on getting back together to tell me so that I wouldn't get my hopes up. He responded saying that he felt the same so maybe we should just be friends for now, which I agreed to.

 

After we agreed to being friends and that the other night was a mistake, I still felt like he was being really flirty with me and texting in a more than friends type of way. About a week later, we got together with 2 of his college roommates to hang out and smoke. Unfortunately, I let him stay over and we had sex again. This was a little less than a week ago. Since it happened, we've still been texting but it has definitely lessened. And the night it happened he kept calling it a "cheat" night, which I don't really understand. We haven't brought it up or even talked about what we are. I'm feeling really really confused.

 

What makes everything even 10x more confusing is the fact that he leaves in TWO days to go back to school. If you haven't gathered it, I 110% want to get back together with him, I know I'm still young, but I truly believe he is the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. And I think he's shown to me over the past few weeks that he still loves me and hopes eventually we can get back together too, just the distance is making everything so hard. I've made a lot of personal progress since the breakup. I've made a lot of plans to make my own friends at school by joining a business fraternity as well as a social sorority. I know my dependence on him caused a lot of our problems but I've been making strides to end that. And the first time we hooked up he told me he took me for granted and he never will again. I know this isn't the end, I just don't know what right now is.

 

Anyways, he leaves for school on thursday (morning I'm assuming). He only goes an hour away. But we haven't really made any plans to see each other again. Obviously I want to say goodbye, but I feel like he hasn't really reached out to me about this. Should I text him tonight about it? I have no idea whats gonna happen when he leaves, or whats gonna happen when he returns to school..

[Blanco]

I just think you're gearing yourself up for more disappointment.

 

If he felt similarly to you about a potential future together, he would be able to grin and bear the distance. Heck, an hour is nothing. I know a lot of people who make a commute that far every day just to go to work.

 

I don't doubt that he still has feelings for you, but I think you're projecting your own feelings on to him. In short, if he realistically saw a future with you and weren't curious about exploring other options, he would be open to doing the distance thing since it isn't permanent.

 

But he's not.

[doglover98]

Thanks for your response. I agree there is a chance that I might just disappoint myself again, but I kinda approached our reconnection with the mindset that I don't have a ton to lose (besides prolonging the heartbreak).

 

An hour definitely isn't much and we've endured much worse. I think the problems arose from my dependence on him, and combining that with the distance and lots of change just got us into too many unneeded arguments.

 

Can you explain a bit further what you mean by me "projecting my own feelings on to him"? I know there is a chance he might want to explore his other options, but he also had all the chances in the world to do that while we were broken up and he didn't. I asked him if he slept with anyone else (for my own protection against a possible STD or something) and he told me he couldn't sleep with anyone else. And when we were talking about what we were he said "So like obviously you brought up taking things slow and I just like really wanna actually try hard to do that bc I don't know things are weird right now and I feel like like things are delicate and just think that taking things slow will be the best thing". Then when we agreed to remain friends he said "Do you wanna just agree to be friends and if it continues to grow back into something more than it does". What I've perceived from these messages is that he still has feelings for me and hopes eventually to get back together. But in order for us to actually work out and not have the same problems we need to take things slow and almost treat this as a new relationship (one that evolves from a friendship, so no pressure?). I hope this makes sense

[dumbass2]

Projecting your feelings on to him means that you believe he feels the same way about you that you feel about him. Honestly, if you try to reconcile it should be a 100% committed relationship again and not this just being friends and see where it goes. I think you are much more in to him and are willing to wait around for him to decide. The situation right now has you in limbo. He can do whatever he wants, be with whoever he wants. Words mean very little after a break up.

[Blanco]

Projecting your feelings on to him means that you believe he feels the same way about you that you feel about him. Honestly, if you try to reconcile it should be a 100% committed relationship again and not this just being friends and see where it goes. I think you are much more in to him and are willing to wait around for him to decide. The situation right now has you in limbo. He can do whatever he wants, be with whoever he wants. Words mean very little after a break up.

 

Pretty much this.

 

It's the proverbial having your cake and eating it, too. He may not have been with anyone else yet, but he's in a great spot. He's technically available if he does meet someone to his liking, but knows he's got you as a fallback should nothing pan out.

 

I'll say that if you feel he really is on the same page with you about a possible future together, you need to say something before he goes back to school.

[doglover98]

Wow, I definitely never saw it in this way but I guess there is a very strong possibility that is what's happening. Unfortunately I'm so hopeful it may take me longer than it should to completely realize this fact/dump him for good. I have really high hopes that you're wrong and he just doesn't know the best way to go about this. We both are young (20) and it's both of our first real relationships. Neither of us exactly know how to go about this and I'm hoping that's why we're just friends for now.

 

He went back to school today. I only saw him briefly last night in a group to say goodbye so I really didn't have the opportunity to talk to him about this and I didn't want to do it over the phone. Maybe I'm just making excuses, but he left so it's too late for that now. I have a few friends at his school that hang out in his friend group. You can say I'm wrong, but I guess this is how I'm planning to handle it. I asked my close friend to let me know if he hooks up with any girls. If he does (which I'm somewhat doubtful he will) I will call him the next day and tell him I can't just be friends, so good luck to him. Otherwise, I have plans in my mind to visit in mid-late September. When I see him, I'll tell him we should try again. And if he disagrees, then that's it I guess.

 

You're right when you say words mean almost nothing. I need to look out for his actions more than what he's saying over text. If you're both right, I know I'll get hurt again, but I so badly hope he wants to work things out with me, I almost feel like if theres any small possibility, I need to take it. Breakups/reconciliations are so hard because not all of them are the same. I've told my story on here several times and all the advice you both and everyone on here have given me have been such an incredible help in my healing process, but also some of the advice I was told/given was wrong. I really really appreciate your responses and I'm glad I can gain this new perspective on what he could be thinking. I guess for now I'm going to go with my gut here and hope that things between us will work out for the best. If I'm wrong, it's a lesson I need to learn and this is the only way I really will. Thanks again, I most likely will keep this thread updated.

Edited August 24, 2017 by doglover98

[dumbass2]

You're very young and i can't blame you at all for what you want to do. It's hard to take others advice when you don't have much personal experience to go on. Learning things the hard way when you're young will help shape the person you become. It's all about life experiences and you just hope that you learn from them and don't repeat the same mistakes. There is a saying, "a mistake repeated more than once is a decision". You make the same mistake twice, it's not a mistake, but a choice.

Best of luck

[doglover98]

I dated this guy for 2 years and we ended up breaking up about 4 months ago due to him going away to school and joining a frat and just kind of adjusting to this new life. Besides these major life changes, we were a really great fit. We both went into no contact for about 2 months after the breakup. Then a month and a half ago he reached out to me to catch up and we slowly grew into good friends again. Unfortunately he's away at school again (only 1 hour away).

 

2 months of being apart isn't enough to lose my feelings for him so I've been clear with him that I want to try again. He also still has feelings for me but he says he's confused as to what he wants. A lot of our problems came from me being so dependent on him. But our breakup helped me a lot to develop my own life and friends and not so much on him. So I honestly think that if we both really tried to make the distance work, we could. And we'd only have about 1 1/2 years left of it.

 

Anyways, he apparently doesn't know what he wants. It felt so great talking to him again that I said I was okay with just being friends for now, and he knows I can't be just friends forever. The way that we would talk and the things that we talked about weren't things that "just friends" would say. And we talked so often it was easy for me to assume we were together in my mind. Another thing is that when we just started talking again, we hooked up and had sex several times. I told him that if he wanted to hook up with other girls at school, then we couldn't talk because I can't bear to hear about that. He told me he wasn't and didn't want to be with other girls. Which has just led me to believe even more that we're basically together without the label.

 

I realized though, that if he decided he never wanted to get back together after all this talking, I'd have to go through my heartbreak all over again. So about a week ago I told him that I don't think we should talk anymore if he doesn't see a future eventually. I don't even need to get back together today, if we were to stay friends and wait a few months, I;d be fine with that. But I need to know that I'm waiting for something, not heartbreak. So I told him we can't talk. I think it came kinda out of nowhere so I'm hoping right now he will realize he can't just string me along. Was this the right move? I know theres a chance we won't speak again but I'm trying to stay positive and move on without holding too much hope he will come back. Even though I can't really help it.

[stillafool]

 

 

I realized though, that if he decided he never wanted to get back together after all this talking, I'd have to go through my heartbreak all over again. So about a week ago I told him that I don't think we should talk anymore if he doesn't see a future eventually. I don't even need to get back together today, if we were to stay friends and wait a few months, I;d be fine with that. But I need to know that I'm waiting for something, not heartbreak. So I told him we can't talk. I think it came kinda out of nowhere so I'm hoping right now he will realize he can't just string me along. Was this the right move? I know theres a chance we won't speak again but I'm trying to stay positive and move on without holding too much hope he will come back. Even though I can't really help it.

 

After you told him the bolded part above, what was his response?

[doglover98]

He basically just responded by saying he understands. And he apologized for leading me on because he’s still confused about what he wants. I’m hopeful that cutting off contact will allow him to realize he wants to get back together.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

He basically just responded by saying he understands. And he apologized for leading me on because he’s still confused about what he wants. I’m hopeful that cutting off contact will allow him to realize he wants to get back together.

 

Sounds to me like he's a frat boy who knows exactly what he wants....to not be tied down to only one girl. Maybe after he graduates from college he'll be ready for a committed relationship. Up to you if you want to wait around for that.

[stillafool]

He basically just responded by saying he understands. And he apologized for leading me on because he’s still confused about what he wants. I’m hopeful that cutting off contact will allow him to realize he wants to get back together.

 

It doesn't look good. If he wanted you back he would have jumped at the chance because he wouldn't want to leave you available for someone else. I think he wants to be free to see what is happening on his campus and he will date others but won't tell you about it.

[doglover98]

I agree that there is a chance he wants to see other people. But at the same time, since he’s been at school he hasn’t. And he told me he isn’t interested in random hookups. He even told me his roommates have been trying to get him to be with someone else, he just doesn’t want to. I honestly think he is confused about what he wants. I think he still has feelings for me but he doesn’t want to get back together because he’s afraid we won’t work out again because of the distance. I understand this but when we were talking it was as if we were together. I kind of blindsided him telling him I didn’t want to talk anymore

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I agree that there is a chance he wants to see other people. But at the same time, since he’s been at school he hasn’t. And he told me he isn’t interested in random hookups. He even told me his roommates have been trying to get him to be with someone else, he just doesn’t want to. I honestly think he is confused about what he wants. I think he still has feelings for me but he doesn’t want to get back together because he’s afraid we won’t work out again because of the distance. I understand this but when we were talking it was as if we were together. I kind of blindsided him telling him I didn’t want to talk anymore

 

Honestly, I'd take this with a grain of salt. Maybe he's confused because this does sound pretty appealing, but he doesn't want to be a cheater, so his only choice is to not be in a relationship with you while he checks out the alternatives.

[d0nnivain]

LDR frat boys are lousy choices as BFs. Don't even try it. You will just get your heart broken.

 

 

When he's home from school on break if you want to hang out & even have some sort of FWB arrangement that's up to you but don't kid yourself. He's not in a commitment kind of place right now.