Ghosted Over A Year Ago...And It Still Hurts

[deadsoul]

Hi Soul!!!....aka Dudette!!

 

*Things* are okay...

I've had a lot of questions I wanted to ask you recently. Regarding your confession. I know you'll oblige to any question I throw at ya....I just need to think through what I need to do.

Recovery wise....peeks and valleys. I've stated before that I think she'll make contact with me. Been thinking about that. I hope she doesn't. I'm at a point that I've got nothing to say to her. It is what it is....and we are both better off.

 

How are YOU tho Soul?? I get strength from your courage and ability to communicate in such raw awesomeness your experiences. You've been so helpful turning on lights in my mind. You and Jenks both.

 

I hope you're having an amazing weekend.

 

You know I'll answer, so bring it

 

That's a good place to be at. Hopefully she won't contact you. Can you block her? That might be best for both of you.

 

I'm doing okay. I have ups and downs, some days it's very much two steps forward, one step back. Or sometimes one step up and two steps back (little Springsteen for ya there... wait, did I get that right?). But I keep plugging along.

[Back2Good]

You know I'll answer, so bring it

 

That's a good place to be at. Hopefully she won't contact you. Can you block her? That might be best for both of you.

 

I'm doing okay. I have ups and downs, some days it's very much two steps forward, one step back. Or sometimes one step up and two steps back (little Springsteen for ya there... wait, did I get that right?). But I keep plugging along.

 

So relating to the two-steps-forward....one-step-back thing!!

I was so proud of myself cause I stopped looking back there for a couple weeks....then I started slipping back into fantasy thoughts and stuff. As long as I can keep moving forward...I'm ok with a "step-back" occasionally.

 

So I'm watching that "answering the need to know or letting it simmer" thread. It's relative to where I am with my situation. I've (thru conversation) recently opened the door for her to ask me out right....but she won't go there. It's like she knows....but happier NOT knowing.

 

You're a strong person Soul. Keep stroking and plugging away. We're both struggling with the hangover of our poor decisions. But I know the sun will rise in the morning....so I also will believe this fog will be lifted some day.

 

"...I'm not a perfect person....there's many things I wish I didn't do...but I continue learning...."

[elaine567]

I've (thru conversation) recently opened the door for her to ask me out right....but she won't go there. It's like she knows....but happier NOT knowing.

 

That is typical MM/MW speak.

 

SHE/HE knows but she/he is happier NOT knowing so I will not do anything.

That's good and let's me off the hook, no need to confess now, phew!...

[deadsoul]

That is typical MM/MW speak.

 

SHE/HE knows but she/he is happier NOT knowing so I will not do anything.

That's good and let's me off the hook, no need to confess now, phew!...

 

Actually it doesn't let him off the hook at all. At any given moment, she could change her mind. I'm reading this as him allowing her to make the choice to know the truth or not.

 

Since I'm not in his head, I can't assume to know what he's thinking though so I won't make that presumption.

[deadsoul]

So relating to the two-steps-forward....one-step-back thing!!

I was so proud of myself cause I stopped looking back there for a couple weeks....then I started slipping back into fantasy thoughts and stuff. As long as I can keep moving forward...I'm ok with a "step-back" occasionally.

 

So I'm watching that "answering the need to know or letting it simmer" thread. It's relative to where I am with my situation. I've (thru conversation) recently opened the door for her to ask me out right....but she won't go there. It's like she knows....but happier NOT knowing.

 

You're a strong person Soul. Keep stroking and plugging away. We're both struggling with the hangover of our poor decisions. But I know the sun will rise in the morning....so I also will believe this fog will be lifted some day.

 

"...I'm not a perfect person....there's many things I wish I didn't do...but I continue learning...."

 

Thanks. It's funny that you call me strong. I don't feel strong. Like you said, I plug away. It's so easy to slip back into the fantasy thoughts. I've done it too. But then I make myself think about the reality again. I think we have to be okay with falling back a little, as long as we don't go back too much. It is hard to allow myself to have the thoughts and let myself go through it. I still try to resist, but when I do that, it lasts so much longer. When I just allow it, it really comes and goes much faster.

 

Add to that the ups and downs of R, I'm never at the same place at any given time anymore.

 

Why do you still think she'll contact you, if you don't mind me asking? Is this hope on your part or a genuine feeling that she will? In my case, I absolutely know I will never hear from him again and that's a good thing (on the other hand, it hurts my ego that I was so discarded and I meant nothing...but that's on him, not me)

[Back2Good]

That is typical MM/MW speak.

 

SHE/HE knows but she/he is happier NOT knowing so I will not do anything.

That's good and let's me off the hook, no need to confess now, phew!...

 

I understand your POV.... I really do.

I'll just say that it's possible no one understands the burden I'm carrying...by harboring my so called *secret.*

I believe early on, I mentioned that I WANTED to tell her...but my AP didn't want me to.

Not feeling "off the hook" at all. Actually, I'd feel off the hook by unloading this burden. But then, wouldn't I just be unloading my garbage onto her....when it apparent...she doesn't want it now. Not yet anyways.

 

There's this logic argument I remember from college. It's something like this... "a soldier throws himself on a live grenade so that his body will shield his friends from harm of the blast....therefore that sacrificing soldier committed a selfish act."

[elaine567]

.when it apparent...she doesn't want it now. Not yet anyways.

 

YOU have no idea what she wants, many BSs when they find out about the affair had no idea their spouse was playing away, but the WS thought it was all sooo obvious.

But it is only obvious when all the facts are known, the WS knows all the facts, and only obvious without what many BSs possess, and that is blind trust...

Their spouse would NEVER do that to them, they are just not that type of a person, other people do that, he/she wouldn't ...

[Back2Good]

Thanks. It's funny that you call me strong. I don't feel strong. Like you said, I plug away. It's so easy to slip back into the fantasy thoughts. I've done it too. But then I make myself think about the reality again. I think we have to be okay with falling back a little, as long as we don't go back too much. It is hard to allow myself to have the thoughts and let myself go through it. I still try to resist, but when I do that, it lasts so much longer. When I just allow it, it really comes and goes much faster.

 

Add to that the ups and downs of R, I'm never at the same place at any given time anymore.

 

Why do you still think she'll contact you, if you don't mind me asking? Is this hope on your part or a genuine feeling that she will? In my case, I absolutely know I will never hear from him again and that's a good thing (on the other hand, it hurts my ego that I was so discarded and I meant nothing...but that's on him, not me)

 

Strong: Because of how you brave enough to call out your weaknesses.

Strong: Because of your ability to recognize and ADMIT your weaknesses.

Strong: In your ability to take a beating....and take their POV into consideration, rather than being childish.

Strong: In your decision to confess your A. I know that wasn't easy.

Strong: By demonstrating you've moved on from your AP...thoughts of him..??...yes. But you don't pine for him.

Strong: In your confidence.

Strong: In the fact that you are pissed in HOW your AP disappeared. Says that you value yourself and you recognize the value you posses. "Nobody puts baby in the corner."

Strong: In how you demonstrate you'll offer your story and advice without fear of judgement. "Honey Badger Ain't Scared...Honey Badger Don't give a s..." (search it on youtube...funny stuff.)

Strong: I could go on....but you get the idea. I just see it in you. And many others on here too.

 

Interesting that you said when you "allow it, it really comes and goes much faster.." SAME!! I've realized, rather than trying to chase her out of my head....it's much more difficult than just simply relaxing my mind and letting my thoughts to just play out....and once they do....she's gone. I just deal with it.... But man,....I'm so done with it....wish the demons would leave.

 

Love love LOVE how you call me out and ask; "...is this just hope on your part.." Great observation!! Very intuitive. But I'm happy to report,.....no....not wishful thinking at all. I REALLY don't want her to reach out. I pray she won't. There would be no benefit. I'm no longer interested in learning her reasons for Ghosting. It really doesn't matter "why" anymore. I used to obsess over it. I'm passed that now....at least for the time being.

So to answer your question: Why do I think she'll contact me. Well,....I'm not so sure anymore. But I just think she will. One way or another. It's just a gut feeling....stemming from how well I know her....and how she thinks. If/When she contacts me....I believe it will be via a letter mailed to my office. I don't think she'll call or text me. It'll be a 5 page hand written letter. But I'm hoping I don't hear from her. IF....she contacts me...I'll either ignore the message (no response) or I will communicate to her that if she cares about me at all....she will adopt a NC policy...forever. I promise you...I will.

 

I hope your R is making progress...

 

Btw....you say about your xAP that you were discarded and meant nothing to him. I'm sorry Soul....but I adamantly disagree. He discarded you...yes...he did do that. And he did it in a cowardly manner. Definitely a dick-move on his part. But I'll offer you this. You MEANT something to him. And you probably still do. I don't know him....but I've been "him"....and I am certain....you meant/mean something to this dude. I'm sorry he abandoned you....cause that's what he did....and that sucks. But you know you are in a much better place in your life today as a result. You and I have agreed on this....for both of us. We are in such a better place. Our story doesn't differ...Just the names are different....and you confessed.

 

Just remember.... You are SoulStrong!!! My new name for you.

[Back2Good]

YOU have no idea what she wants...

 

^^^^...I kinda do. But okay....

[deadsoul]

Strong: Because of how you brave enough to call out your weaknesses.

Strong: Because of your ability to recognize and ADMIT your weaknesses.

Strong: In your ability to take a beating....and take their POV into consideration, rather than being childish.

Strong: In your decision to confess your A. I know that wasn't easy.

Strong: By demonstrating you've moved on from your AP...thoughts of him..??...yes. But you don't pine for him.

Strong: In your confidence.

Strong: In the fact that you are pissed in HOW your AP disappeared. Says that you value yourself and you recognize the value you posses. "Nobody puts baby in the corner."

Strong: In how you demonstrate you'll offer your story and advice without fear of judgement. "Honey Badger Ain't Scared...Honey Badger Don't give a s..." (search it on youtube...funny stuff.)

Strong: I could go on....but you get the idea. I just see it in you. And many others on here too.

 

Interesting that you said when you "allow it, it really comes and goes much faster.." SAME!! I've realized, rather than trying to chase her out of my head....it's much more difficult than just simply relaxing my mind and letting my thoughts to just play out....and once they do....she's gone. I just deal with it.... But man,....I'm so done with it....wish the demons would leave.

 

Love love LOVE how you call me out and ask; "...is this just hope on your part.." Great observation!! Very intuitive. But I'm happy to report,.....no....not wishful thinking at all. I REALLY don't want her to reach out. I pray she won't. There would be no benefit. I'm no longer interested in learning her reasons for Ghosting. It really doesn't matter "why" anymore. I used to obsess over it. I'm passed that now....at least for the time being.

So to answer your question: Why do I think she'll contact me. Well,....I'm not so sure anymore. But I just think she will. One way or another. It's just a gut feeling....stemming from how well I know her....and how she thinks. If/When she contacts me....I believe it will be via a letter mailed to my office. I don't think she'll call or text me. It'll be a 5 page hand written letter. But I'm hoping I don't hear from her. IF....she contacts me...I'll either ignore the message (no response) or I will communicate to her that if she cares about me at all....she will adopt a NC policy...forever. I promise you...I will.

 

I hope your R is making progress...

 

Btw....you say about your xAP that you were discarded and meant nothing to him. I'm sorry Soul....but I adamantly disagree. He discarded you...yes...he did do that. And he did it in a cowardly manner. Definitely a dick-move on his part. But I'll offer you this. You MEANT something to him. And you probably still do. I don't know him....but I've been "him"....and I am certain....you meant/mean something to this dude. I'm sorry he abandoned you....cause that's what he did....and that sucks. But you know you are in a much better place in your life today as a result. You and I have agreed on this....for both of us. We are in such a better place. Our story doesn't differ...Just the names are different....and you confessed.

 

Just remember.... You are SoulStrong!!! My new name for you.

 

I'm copying and pasting this in to my journal so when I get my pity party of one going I will make myself read this. Thank you, friend. Thank you.

 

Can I ask you a question? (Why am I asking. Cause you know I'm going to DO it). How can you be so sure I meant something? I just don't feel like I did. I think this is my ego asking so maybe I just need my ego pumped up, I don't know. It shouldn't matter whether or not I meant something, but the part that matters? Is the part that I went and bulldozed my whole relationship and family and I know in my heart I had feelings for him and they were real! And I know that hurts BS's to read that, but I did have feelings for him and the feeling that I meant absolutely nothing to him is what hurts so much. And I know that even if I can allow that *maybe* he felt something for me, I know that he will never come to me and say that, nor does it matter anymore. That was the hardest part to get over. And I'm not saying if he felt something for me it would make it worth it because it doesn't at all. But I guess that part of me that feels used and discarded still flares up.

 

I think people like us (waywards) "feel" too much. And I think that's what makes it harder for us to get over being dumped. I'm generalizing this statement because I'm sure there are exceptions, but any slight to us cuts deep, yet we had no problem slighting someone else. Is that our ego? Our narcissism? I never thought of myself as narcissistic, but didn't that have to play a role to do what I did? I still think the big "flaw" in my personality is that I'm conflict-avoidant. When I'm "backed into a corner" (Baby reference, couldn't resist!) then I fight back. But I will take it and take it until I just can't anymore. And I hold a grudge like no other.

 

I've seen the honey badger videos. Funny stuff. I'm trying to remember the ones with the English guy who narrates them. They are funny as hell.

 

As for her contacting you, it is good you have a plan in place on how to deal with it. Do you think you'd even open the letter or would you just throw it away? Reading it would be a huge trigger.

[knabe]

I understand your POV.... I really do.

I'll just say that it's possible no one understands the burden I'm carrying...by harboring my so called *secret.*

I believe early on, I mentioned that I WANTED to tell her...but my AP didn't want me to.

Not feeling "off the hook" at all. Actually, I'd feel off the hook by unloading this burden. But then, wouldn't I just be unloading my garbage onto her....when it apparent...she doesn't want it now. Not yet anyways.

 

There's this logic argument I remember from college. It's something like this... "a soldier throws himself on a live grenade so that his body will shield his friends from harm of the blast....therefore that sacrificing soldier committed a selfish act."

 

This is basically noble sounding self protective nonsense.

[deadsoul]

YOU have no idea what she wants, many BSs when they find out about the affair had no idea their spouse was playing away, but the WS thought it was all sooo obvious.

But it is only obvious when all the facts are known, the WS knows all the facts, and only obvious without what many BSs possess, and that is blind trust...

Their spouse would NEVER do that to them, they are just not that type of a person, other people do that, he/she wouldn't ...

 

You (or me for that matter) have no idea what she wants either. I appreciate your perspective, though and I have to say something about blind trust. When the BS trusts us and we don't hold up our end of the trust bargain, it is not on them that they trusted blindly. It's on US waywards for betraying that trust. BTG has to live with what he's done for the rest of his life. There's no "getting off scot free" in these types of situations. If we don't own what we did (and that doesn't always mean confessing), we can't change and be better. I know the argument will come up that we can't change and be better unless we confess and we will have to agree to disagree on that one. Just because I did what I felt was best in my situation does not mean that it is best for everyone else's.

 

I think a lot of us here project our own feelings onto people here and we make assumptions that we really can't be making. We don't truly know. We just know our experiences and how we feel. We have to stay open to the idea that people make different choices and if that works for them, great! If it doesn't, then they need to try something new. The positive side of projecting our own feelings onto other people is that people like me get other perspectives and views and I try to open my mind to allow those possibilities. Also, it helps me empathize and see the consequences of how my actions hurt others.

[deadsoul]

This is basically noble sounding self protective nonsense.

 

how?

(10 characters)

[MuddyFootprints]

We all have feelings. Some of us took the wrong steps and acted on and with our feelings. We behaved selfishly toward our families.

 

Every step we took toward our ap took us two steps away from our spouse and family.

 

Who cares if we had "feelings".

 

What matters is we acted on them. I'd even go out on a limb to suggest we weren't capable of a mature love. We didn't understand what true love is.

 

We were motivated by our " feelings".

 

I'm disgusted by my behaviour and really hope I've grown up. My husband deserves a wife with a mature perspective of love.

[Back2Good]

Every step we took toward our ap took us two steps away from our spouse and family.

 

I'd even go out on a limb to suggest we weren't capable of a mature love. We didn't understand what true love is.

 

Oh man,.....I can't tell you how many times that thought has crossed my mind!! Am I even capable? How do I know if I'm capable or not??

[Back2Good]

I'm copying and pasting this in to my journal so when I get my pity party of one going I will make myself read this. Thank you, friend. Thank you.

 

Can I ask you a question? (Why am I asking. Cause you know I'm going to DO it). How can you be so sure I meant something? I just don't feel like I did. I think this is my ego asking so maybe I just need my ego pumped up, I don't know. It shouldn't matter whether or not I meant something, but the part that matters? Is the part that I went and bulldozed my whole relationship and family and I know in my heart I had feelings for him and they were real! And I know that hurts BS's to read that, but I did have feelings for him and the feeling that I meant absolutely nothing to him is what hurts so much. And I know that even if I can allow that *maybe* he felt something for me, I know that he will never come to me and say that, nor does it matter anymore. That was the hardest part to get over. And I'm not saying if he felt something for me it would make it worth it because it doesn't at all. But I guess that part of me that feels used and discarded still flares up.

 

I think people like us (waywards) "feel" too much. And I think that's what makes it harder for us to get over being dumped. I'm generalizing this statement because I'm sure there are exceptions, but any slight to us cuts deep, yet we had no problem slighting someone else. Is that our ego? Our narcissism? I never thought of myself as narcissistic, but didn't that have to play a role to do what I did? I still think the big "flaw" in my personality is that I'm conflict-avoidant. When I'm "backed into a corner" (Baby reference, couldn't resist!) then I fight back. But I will take it and take it until I just can't anymore. And I hold a grudge like no other.

 

I've seen the honey badger videos. Funny stuff. I'm trying to remember the ones with the English guy who narrates them. They are funny as hell.

 

As for her contacting you, it is good you have a plan in place on how to deal with it. Do you think you'd even open the letter or would you just throw it away? Reading it would be a huge trigger.

 

Some people believe that all men can just hop in bed with a woman without any emotional attachment whatsoever…. Well,….that’s basically true to a point….but not ALL men. But let’s focus on your xAP. You called it a “FWB” thing for a year. Well, I think that the fact he was with you for a year, tells me it wasn’t just to get laid. He was single… He could go get it anywhere else. Why take changes with a married woman? Excitement? The Thrill? Yes….probably so. But at some point, he developed feelings for you. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have risked the hassle of it all. I had a so called “FWB” for a year or so during college. (yes, I was single.) And we talked about how we would keep it all uncomplicated, and just about the sex. So as her “FWB” partner…..we didn’t talk about “feelings”….but I did care about her deeply. I felt an emotional connection to her….especially during sex. I’m thinking that your xAP was the same. Maybe in the beginning he wasn’t feeling anything, other than just the attraction. But after repeated “dates”….emotional barriers were broken down….and yes,….I’m certain he developed feelings for you. Had to have,…on some level. I think he cared about you. I think he cared about you a lot. I think he thinks of you now. I think he has thought about you today. Why did he Ghost you though??? I don’t know….but I have a decent theory. The demand of maintaining secrecy of the affair got too much for him. Maybe, he also started to feel guilty a little. Maybe he saw he was developing strong feelings for you ( I know he did!!) and didn’t like the road ahead of him. Meaning,….the drama of you leaving your H. The mutual friends whispering in the corners. The nosey neighbors spreading gossip. Too much drama for him. And he didn’t want to be “that guy”….or for you to be “that woman.” I make up what happened finally…..was that he met someone else, to distract him from you. Someone single. Someone he could be seen with in public…without panic. Someone he didn’t have to sneak around with. Someone he could wake up with on a Saturday morning and go get breakfast together. Someone…..simply put…..easier. He Ghosted you because he’s a coward. He couldn’t face you with a “goodbye” speech. He wasn’t strong enough. It was easier for him to just disappear. But I assure you,…..he did (and still does) have feelings for you at some capacity. Guys just don’t forget. You Meant Something To Him. And if you two ever got a chance to have a heart-to-heart discussion about it all……He would confirm. And if he denied it,….he’s lying. Although I hope you don’t ever have another integration with him ever again.

 

Narcissism: Wow… I haven’t really put that much thought into that. I’ve done a lot of reading about narcissism behavior….and I didn’t see any reflections of me in it. But perhaps that the narcissist in me!! I am vain…..so I guess there’s a N attribute there. I’ll go back and read-up on N. Might shed some light on some stuff.

 

“…English guy who narrates them…” Are you talking about the animals? YouTube search “ellen ellen ellen steve steve steve animals.” Maybe it’s our friend Jenks!!!???

 

“….Do you think you'd even open the letter or would you just throw it away…?”

^^^^^^….HELL YES I’M OPENING THAT LETTER!!! (sorry….but it’s the truth.)

[MuddyFootprints]

Opening that letter would demonstrate your lack of commitment to your wife and indicate that you are not ready for true and mature love.

 

Strong emphasis on true.

[Back2Good]

Opening that letter would demonstrate your lack of commitment to your wife and indicate that you are not ready for true and mature love.

 

Strong emphasis on true.

 

Ouch.....

"...lack of commitment to your wife..."

You're right. Kinda puts me in my heels. I want to be in full commitment with my wife.

This gives me reason to pause....and reconsider.

I'll have to report back on this.

[deadsoul]

Ouch.....

"...lack of commitment to your wife..."

You're right. Kinda puts me in my heels. I want to be in full commitment with my wife.

This gives me reason to pause....and reconsider.

I'll have to report back on this.

 

That's a tough one. I can understand the part of wanting to see what she says, but it does show a lack of commitment.

 

I see both sides of this one. I'm curious what you come up with.

[deadsoul]

Some people believe that all men can just hop in bed with a woman without any emotional attachment whatsoever…. Well,….that’s basically true to a point….but not ALL men. But let’s focus on your xAP. You called it a “FWB” thing for a year. Well, I think that the fact he was with you for a year, tells me it wasn’t just to get laid. He was single… He could go get it anywhere else. Why take changes with a married woman? Excitement? The Thrill? Yes….probably so. But at some point, he developed feelings for you. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have risked the hassle of it all. I had a so called “FWB” for a year or so during college. (yes, I was single.) And we talked about how we would keep it all uncomplicated, and just about the sex. So as her “FWB” partner…..we didn’t talk about “feelings”….but I did care about her deeply. I felt an emotional connection to her….especially during sex. I’m thinking that your xAP was the same. Maybe in the beginning he wasn’t feeling anything, other than just the attraction. But after repeated “dates”….emotional barriers were broken down….and yes,….I’m certain he developed feelings for you. Had to have,…on some level. I think he cared about you. I think he cared about you a lot. I think he thinks of you now. I think he has thought about you today. Why did he Ghost you though??? I don’t know….but I have a decent theory. The demand of maintaining secrecy of the affair got too much for him. Maybe, he also started to feel guilty a little. Maybe he saw he was developing strong feelings for you ( I know he did!!) and didn’t like the road ahead of him. Meaning,….the drama of you leaving your H. The mutual friends whispering in the corners. The nosey neighbors spreading gossip. Too much drama for him. And he didn’t want to be “that guy”….or for you to be “that woman.” I make up what happened finally…..was that he met someone else, to distract him from you. Someone single. Someone he could be seen with in public…without panic. Someone he didn’t have to sneak around with. Someone he could wake up with on a Saturday morning and go get breakfast together. Someone…..simply put…..easier. He Ghosted you because he’s a coward. He couldn’t face you with a “goodbye” speech. He wasn’t strong enough. It was easier for him to just disappear. But I assure you,…..he did (and still does) have feelings for you at some capacity. Guys just don’t forget. You Meant Something To Him. And if you two ever got a chance to have a heart-to-heart discussion about it all……He would confirm. And if he denied it,….he’s lying. Although I hope you don’t ever have another integration with him ever again.

 

Narcissism: Wow… I haven’t really put that much thought into that. I’ve done a lot of reading about narcissism behavior….and I didn’t see any reflections of me in it. But perhaps that the narcissist in me!! I am vain…..so I guess there’s a N attribute there. I’ll go back and read-up on N. Might shed some light on some stuff.

 

“…English guy who narrates them…” Are you talking about the animals? YouTube search “ellen ellen ellen steve steve steve animals.” Maybe it’s our friend Jenks!!!???

 

“….Do you think you'd even open the letter or would you just throw it away…?”

^^^^^^….HELL YES I’M OPENING THAT LETTER!!! (sorry….but it’s the truth.)

 

BTG. You have an interesting perspective on his thinking. I don't know why I'm resistant to believing that. He was able to push all emotion aside, was always able to. He was also very broken, as am I (though I'm very much in process of fixing). Maybe that was part of the draw... two very broken people who wanted to fix each other. When he creeps into my mind, I often steer the thinking to what drew me to him. What was it about him that made me do what I did... and I've identified that. I also believe there was very much a fantasy component, as well as the excitement of "doing something bad." I've also been thinking about why I have this need to know that I "meant something." It shouldn't matter whether I did or didn't, but I have to acknowledge that it does matter. I'm looking hard at why it matters and I can only come back to my ego being shattered by the rejection.

 

Also, I've come to realize there is a part of my personality that I've kept very hidden and she wants out and it's hard to let her out in a safe way, if that makes sense. Now I probably just sound crazy. Crazier.

 

I'm also thinking more about if she sent you the letter. I'm not sure that reading it would be bad, but responding it would be. I'm still not sure on that. I think you'd have to be prepared that reading it will put you in a major tailspin and it might undo some of the great progress you've made.

 

Edit: I don't want him to ever come integrate (ha ha ha) or interact with me again. I honestly don't believe he will, knowing him.

Edited September 17, 2017 by deadsoul

[Back2Good]

BTG. You have an interesting perspective on his thinking. I don't know why I'm resistant to believing that. He was able to push all emotion aside, was always able to. He was also very broken, as am I (though I'm very much in process of fixing). Maybe that was part of the draw... two very broken people who wanted to fix each other. When he creeps into my mind, I often steer the thinking to what drew me to him. What was it about him that made me do what I did... and I've identified that. I also believe there was very much a fantasy component, as well as the excitement of "doing something bad." I've also been thinking about why I have this need to know that I "meant something." It shouldn't matter whether I did or didn't, but I have to acknowledge that it does matter. I'm looking hard at why it matters and I can only come back to my ego being shattered by the rejection.

 

Also, I've come to realize there is a part of my personality that I've kept very hidden and she wants out and it's hard to let her out in a safe way, if that makes sense. Now I probably just sound crazy. Crazier.

 

I'm also thinking more about if she sent you the letter. I'm not sure that reading it would be bad, but responding it would be. I'm still not sure on that. I think you'd have to be prepared that reading it will put you in a major tailspin and it might undo some of the great progress you've made.

 

Edit: I don't want him to ever come integrate (ha ha ha) or interact with me again. I honestly don't believe he will, knowing him.

 

He wasn’t able to push all of his feelings aside. What he has is the ability to HIDE his feelings. I’m tellin’ ya StrongSoul…..he wouldn’t have kept returning to the well,…..if he wasn’t thirsty. “Well”=You. “Thirsty”=Feelings for you. He wouldn’t have stayed with you for a year…..unless he felt something for you.

I wonder,….your two statements: “..don’t know why I’m resistant to believe that..” And; “…need to know that I meant something…” I wonder,….are those two statements tied together?

Are you resistant to believe he had feelings for you….because you don’t value yourself? I don’t think that’s the case. Cause, reading your entries…..it seems to me that you demand to be valued. #SoulStrong. And that’s admirable to me. You SHOULD demand to be valued…. And the fact that he “tossed you out” pisses you off. And you SHOULD be. Don’t confuse your feelings of being bothered and hung up on the fact he Ghosted you….to mean you are missing the love of your life. No,…indeed….you feel disrespected….and that just doesn’t sit very well with you. Know why? Again,….cause you ARE strong. Weak person would have an opposite reaction. Nothing wrong with demanding to be valued. Which tells me you value yourself more than you might think.

I thought of another reason he might have Ghosted you. He didn’t KNOW how to end it…he just knew he had to.

And also, maybe he was undecided what to do…..and as time went on,…..there was no contact….by the time he wanted to discuss it,…so much time went by,….he didn’t know how to re-approach you. And when you confronted him on the street…. I assure you,…..you surprised him,…he wasn’t expercting you,…he wasn’t’ prepared,….and his manparts were sucked up so far up in his gut,…he couldn’t think. I am certain he’s played that encounter back in his mind over and over. “…damn,….I wish I would have said x, y, z…” I bet he wishes he had an opportunity to repeat that confrontation….only this time being prepared.

 

It’s funny… Him Ghosting you…has “shattered” your ego. And it seems,…if you can get passed that….you’re out of the woods. In contrast, her Ghosting me….well, it just hurt. That’s it. My (very healthy) ego wasn’t affected at all…. I wonder why? Our situations weren’t that different. But my ego remains intact. (probably too much) Maybe it’s because I had already decided to end it with her….but just didn’t get the chance, because she Ghosted me. (I was going to do it in person.)

 

I’m very interested in who that girl is that’s been hiding within you….and hard to “let out her in a safe way.” I wan’t to know more. Yeah,…you’re Cray….and isn’t that wonderful??? You are in a season of self-reckoning… Keep going SoulStrong…. Love witnessing this journey you are on.

 

Been doing some thinking about the exchanges on here yesterday.

Narcissism: I’m clear. And so are you… One of the things a narcissist can’t show….is Empathy. You exude Empathy. The other attributes don’t line up with either of us as well.

 

I have attachment issues. I get attached to people easily. Maybe this is why I’m still in this xAP hangover.

 

I’m fooling myself and lying to you when I say I’m “all in” with my wife and trying to reclaim those years I’ve lost with her. I am definitely trying to reclaim those lost years. I’m definitely IN…….. But until I confess,…..EVERYTHING……I’m not “all” in. Which breaks my heart….b/c I have to face the reality that I might not ever be “ALL” in…. We can debate pages and pages of the “should I confess.” I’m just going to keep it off public forums for now until I can find a way to better communicate my thought process.

 

If she sends me a letter: MuddyToes got me thinking. I never considered that me opening the letter would be an act of disrespect to my wife. I want to honor her….not disrespect her. So I was being honest when I said it gave me reason to pause and reconsider what I’d do. I was thinking though… How could I NOT open the letter. But as I lay in my bed last night from 3am till 5am (couldn’t sleep) thinking things through….I realized what you also said SoulStrong. What GOOD will come out of opening the letter. What am I going to get out of it. And you are right,….it will send my progress to date into a tail-spin. BUT….what about this. Let’s say you are at the beach and walking down the boardwalk barefoot. And you get a bad splinter. You can leave the splinter…..which hurts,…..but just a little. OR,….you can grab a needle, some rubbing alchohol…..tweezers,…..and go to town on that damn splinter and dig it out. It’ll HURT a lot…..might even bleed a little…. But once that splinter is removed,…..your body begins to heal. So,…………….what if reading that letter (if it ever comes….it will) is my splinter. In that letter will be the “why” Ghosted me. It’s my splinter….and if I retrieve it,…..I’ll begin to heal.

What I DO promise however…….. NO WAY I write back. NO way I open up line of communications. I will not respond.

I’m still undecided. But what do you think of this. If/When I get her letter,…..I send it back to her……un-opened. I won’t write anything… Not even a “thanks,….but no thanks…” Just simply place her un-opened letter in an envelope and mail it back to her. Too me,….that would be a strong signal to her that I want NC.

[Back2Good]

Edit: I don't want him to ever come integrate (ha ha ha) or interact with me again. I honestly don't believe he will, knowing him.

 

"Integrate"... HaHaha!

Yeah,....Please Soul.... No integration with that dude.... I want no integration occurring between the two of you!! He doesn't deserve your integration.....

[Marc878]

Ask yourselves this question.

 

Could you ghost someone you cared anything about?

 

I think most want to believe they meant something as to have some comfort with all that was lost (time, life, reputation, dignity, family, spouse, etc). It's a form of denial. Most will justify to make themselves live with what they've done.

 

Men for the most part don't need an emotional connection for an affair it's just sexual fun. There are some women who are like this as well.

 

You'll know you're where you need to be when you get to the point it doesn't matter.

[deadsoul]

He wasn’t able to push all of his feelings aside. What he has is the ability to HIDE his feelings. I’m tellin’ ya StrongSoul…..he wouldn’t have kept returning to the well,…..if he wasn’t thirsty. “Well”=You. “Thirsty”=Feelings for you. He wouldn’t have stayed with you for a year…..unless he felt something for you.

I wonder,….your two statements: “..don’t know why I’m resistant to believe that..” And; “…need to know that I meant something…” I wonder,….are those two statements tied together?

Are you resistant to believe he had feelings for you….because you don’t value yourself? I don’t think that’s the case. Cause, reading your entries…..it seems to me that you demand to be valued. #SoulStrong. And that’s admirable to me. You SHOULD demand to be valued…. And the fact that he “tossed you out” pisses you off. And you SHOULD be. Don’t confuse your feelings of being bothered and hung up on the fact he Ghosted you….to mean you are missing the love of your life. No,…indeed….you feel disrespected….and that just doesn’t sit very well with you. Know why? Again,….cause you ARE strong. Weak person would have an opposite reaction. Nothing wrong with demanding to be valued. Which tells me you value yourself more than you might think.

I thought of another reason he might have Ghosted you. He didn’t KNOW how to end it…he just knew he had to.

 

I used to not value myself. But now I do. Now I matter. Some days, I still walk out on that crosswalk and not care whether or not that oncoming car stops. But most days now, I stop and wait to make sure the driver sees me before I go. So yes, I matter.

 

And also, maybe he was undecided what to do…..and as time went on,…..there was no contact….by the time he wanted to discuss it,…so much time went by,….he didn’t know how to re-approach you. And when you confronted him on the street…. I assure you,…..you surprised him,…he wasn’t expercting you,…he wasn’t’ prepared,….and his manparts were sucked up so far up in his gut,…he couldn’t think. I am certain he’s played that encounter back in his mind over and over. “…damn,….I wish I would have said x, y, z…” I bet he wishes he had an opportunity to repeat that confrontation….only this time being prepared.

 

It’s funny… Him Ghosting you…has “shattered” your ego. And it seems,…if you can get passed that….you’re out of the woods. In contrast, her Ghosting me….well, it just hurt. That’s it. My (very healthy) ego wasn’t affected at all…. I wonder why? Our situations weren’t that different. But my ego remains intact. (probably too much) Maybe it’s because I had already decided to end it with her….but just didn’t get the chance, because she Ghosted me. (I was going to do it in person.)

 

Interesting you say that... I had tried to end it the month before. I had feelings and it wasn't just a FWB anymore. It ended up right back in it and then... well, you know the rest. It does hurt that he did that. But he wasn't the love of my life and I know that. I know that getting together with him and having a relationship with him would've been a disaster. So... I have to think it's my ego.

 

 

I’m very interested in who that girl is that’s been hiding within you….and hard to “let out her in a safe way.” I wan’t to know more. Yeah,…you’re Cray….and isn’t that wonderful??? You are in a season of self-reckoning… Keep going SoulStrong…. Love witnessing this journey you are on.

 

Haha. That girl is wild. But she has to learn how to be wild without hurting others.

 

Been doing some thinking about the exchanges on here yesterday.

Narcissism: I’m clear. And so are you… One of the things a narcissist can’t show….is Empathy. You exude Empathy. The other attributes don’t line up with either of us as well.

 

Yes.. I have too much empathy. I feel too much. And sometimes I do things without thinking how it would feel if it was done to me. That happened today, in fact. I just did something without thinking. And wished for that rewind button once again!

 

 

I have attachment issues. I get attached to people easily. Maybe this is why I’m still in this xAP hangover.

 

Same. Very much the same. I also have abandonment issues... which could also explain my "hangover." (<---I like that)

 

I’m fooling myself and lying to you when I say I’m “all in” with my wife and trying to reclaim those years I’ve lost with her. I am definitely trying to reclaim those lost years. I’m definitely IN…….. But until I confess,…..EVERYTHING……I’m not “all” in. Which breaks my heart….b/c I have to face the reality that I might not ever be “ALL” in…. We can debate pages and pages of the “should I confess.” I’m just going to keep it off public forums for now until I can find a way to better communicate my thought process.

 

Look, I've told you my stance on this and I still stand by it. People will argue with me, but your actions show you are all in. Confessing doesn't mean you're all in. People are projecting their own experiences and feelings onto you. You know your wife. No one else does. And I still believe on some level she knows and doesn't want you to tell her. And I know others will say that's "cheater speak," but I think that's how I'd be in that situation. If it was over, I would not want to know about it. It would change everything. And maybe that's how she feels. She has you back so whatever happened is in the past. Like we've also agreed on though... if she asks, you be honest. And tell everything. I know you will too. I believe that about you.

 

If she sends me a letter: MuddyToes got me thinking. I never considered that me opening the letter would be an act of disrespect to my wife. I want to honor her….not disrespect her. So I was being honest when I said it gave me reason to pause and reconsider what I’d do. I was thinking though… How could I NOT open the letter. But as I lay in my bed last night from 3am till 5am (couldn’t sleep)

 

OMG. I do that too! It's so annoying!

 

thinking things through….I realized what you also said SoulStrong. What GOOD will come out of opening the letter. What am I going to get out of it. And you are right,….it will send my progress to date into a tail-spin. BUT….what about this. Let’s say you are at the beach and walking down the boardwalk barefoot. And you get a bad splinter. You can leave the splinter…..which hurts,…..but just a little. OR,….you can grab a needle, some rubbing alchohol…..tweezers,…..and go to town on that damn splinter and dig it out. It’ll HURT a lot…..might even bleed a little…. But once that splinter is removed,…..your body begins to heal. So,…………….what if reading that letter (if it ever comes….it will) is my splinter. In that letter will be the “why” Ghosted me. It’s my splinter….and if I retrieve it,…..I’ll begin to heal.

What I DO promise however…….. NO WAY I write back. NO way I open up line of communications. I will not respond.

 

You want to open it because you think it will give you closure. But I just don't believe in closure. I think it will bring more pain. But I know the curiosity will win over, it would with me. But I think it's pain shopping (like when you look on her FB and you think it won't hurt, but then it does).

 

I’m still undecided. But what do you think of this. If/When I get her letter,…..I send it back to her……un-opened. I won’t write anything… Not even a “thanks,….but no thanks…” Just simply place her un-opened letter in an envelope and mail it back to her. Too me,….that would be a strong signal to her that I want NC.

 

No. Don't return it. I wouldn't do anything... that is a stronger signal you want NC. It may be something she just needs to get off her chest and doesn't really want a response (which would affect you too).

 

The best thing would be to just burn it if it ever comes. But I'm not gonna lie. I'd be curious as hell and want to read it.

[deadsoul]

Ask yourselves this question.

 

Could you ghost someone you cared anything about?

 

I think most want to believe they meant something as to have some comfort with all that was lost (time, life, reputation, dignity, family, spouse, etc). It's a form of denial. Most will justify to make themselves live with what they've done.

 

Men for the most part don't need an emotional connection for an affair it's just sexual fun. There are some women who are like this as well.

 

You'll know you're where you need to be when you get to the point it doesn't matter.

 

Yeah, I know. And for the most part, it doesn't matter much anymore. I just know it was a huge part of my pain in the beginning and sometimes my thoughts still drift there. I've been acknowledging them because I feel like there's a lesson in there for me. I want to know for my own peace of mind. I'll never get that from him, nor do I want it from him. But I feel like I do have to work through it to learn from it. That's it for me now.

 

I ghosted my best friend a long time ago, who I cared about a lot and I did it because I was so hurt and angry. And I missed her for a long, long time and thought about her a lot. I eventually reconnected with her (go figure, on FB, which I eventually disconnected). Yes, I do hold the belief that it was just sex for OM. Nothing more. But there's something to be said about your comment that I'm trying to justify what I've done, which makes perfect sense on why it's bothering me. I'm thinking a lot about that.

 

This thread, for me, has become a safe place to write those feelings and emotions that are deemed *not okay* for a wayward to have. I know at some point someone will come along and rip me a new one and it will be deserved, but they will be doing it out of their pain. I choose every day not to act on any of my wayward thoughts, no matter how strong they seem on some days. I choose every day not to contact OM and I don't even want to anymore. But I will have to still make that choice every day and not let my guard down. That's one of the many consequences of my actions.