Ghosted Over A Year Ago...And It Still Hurts

[Back2Good]

“…Yes.. I have too much empathy. I feel too much. And sometimes I do things without thinking how it would feel if it was done to me….”

I do this more often than I care to admit.

 

“…And I still believe on some level she knows and doesn't want you to tell her. And I know others will say that's "cheater speak," but I think that's how I'd be in that situation. If it was over, I would not want to know about it. It would change everything. And maybe that's how she feels. She has you back so whatever happened is in the past….”

I have a story to share with you about this,….when I have some more time. But I think you are spot on with your assessment….. Particularly about,….she’s just happy where we are now….and she’s not concerned about the past. Before I get slammed with “…you don’t know what she’s thinking….” Yes I do. She’s pretty much straight up told me this.

“…Like we've also agreed on though... if she asks, you be honest…”

Yes, we’ve agreed….and I have plans on how that will play out. I want your perspective on a few questions I have on this though…. I know the “Crows” are going to bash me on this….and it’s deserved. But, you realize if she asks….I have to tell her EVERYTHING….including WHO the AP was. That’s going to have a ripple effect on many people’s lives…. I’m in NC with xAP….but I have to ask you. Should I warn her? I mean, after I’ve confessed everything…..should I let xAP know she needs to prepare for fallout? My mom used to tell me all the time “…often times, when you ask a question, you already know the answer..” This is such a case. I know the answer…..but I have to be transparent. I don’t feel good about outing xAP….especially blindsiding her with it.

“…OMG. I do that too! It's so annoying..!”

Super annoying….. Lay there for hours. It’s also when “She” creeps into my thoughts….uninvited.

“…You want to open it because you think it will give you closure. But I just don't believe in closure. I think it will bring more pain. But I know the curiosity will win over, it would with me. But I think it's pain shopping (like when you look on her FB and you think it won't hurt, but then it does)…”

Yes, I do feel it would give me some sort of closure. The curiosity will kill me…. If/When it comes…I’m going to hold it for 24 hours before deciding what to do. Meaning,….when it lands on my desk…I’m not going to close my office door and rip it open. I’m going to set in my desk drawer….and let it sit for 24 hours. Within those 24 hours….I’ll do everything I can to convince myself to destroy it.

Glad I removed her from FB. I still have dozens and dozens of pics of her though,…some of just her….and some of us together. I haven’t looked at them in maybe 2-3 months though. The pics are one of the remaining items I need to discard of.

“…No. Don't return it. I wouldn't do anything... that is a stronger signal you want NC. It may be something she just needs to get off her chest and doesn't really want a response (which would affect you too).

The best thing would be to just burn it if it ever comes. But I'm not gonna lie. I'd be curious as hell and want to read it…”

How about I send it to you……and you decipher what’s in it that I really need to know…..and keep me from the rest of the “noise.” j/k…that’s a bad idea!! 

 

Thank you Soul for your stewardship!!! And “Yes”….. You do Matter!!!

[Marc878]

Yeah, I know. And for the most part, it doesn't matter much anymore. I just know it was a huge part of my pain in the beginning and sometimes my thoughts still drift there. I've been acknowledging them because I feel like there's a lesson in there for me. I want to know for my own peace of mind. I'll never get that from him, nor do I want it from him. But I feel like I do have to work through it to learn from it. That's it for me now.

 

I ghosted my best friend a long time ago, who I cared about a lot and I did it because I was so hurt and angry. And I missed her for a long, long time and thought about her a lot. I eventually reconnected with her (go figure, on FB, which I eventually disconnected). Yes, I do hold the belief that it was just sex for OM. Nothing more. But there's something to be said about your comment that I'm trying to justify what I've done, which makes perfect sense on why it's bothering me. I'm thinking a lot about that.

 

This thread, for me, has become a safe place to write those feelings and emotions that are deemed *not okay* for a wayward to have. I know at some point someone will come along and rip me a new one and it will be deserved, but they will be doing it out of their pain. I choose every day not to act on any of my wayward thoughts, no matter how strong they seem on some days. I choose every day not to contact OM and I don't even want to anymore. But I will have to still make that choice every day and not let my guard down. That's one of the many consequences of my actions.

 

This is how we learn.

 

It's always hurtful to get dumped. It's normal to want/need to feel you meant something but most will project their feelings onto the dumper. "I love you so you must feel the same"? But their actions always tell you what you need to know.

 

You'll get there. Stay on your path.

[deadsoul]

“…Yes.. I have too much empathy. I feel too much. And sometimes I do things without thinking how it would feel if it was done to me….”

I do this more often than I care to admit.

 

“…And I still believe on some level she knows and doesn't want you to tell her. And I know others will say that's "cheater speak," but I think that's how I'd be in that situation. If it was over, I would not want to know about it. It would change everything. And maybe that's how she feels. She has you back so whatever happened is in the past….”

I have a story to share with you about this,….when I have some more time. But I think you are spot on with your assessment….. Particularly about,….she’s just happy where we are now….and she’s not concerned about the past. Before I get slammed with “…you don’t know what she’s thinking….” Yes I do. She’s pretty much straight up told me this.

 

“…Like we've also agreed on though... if she asks, you be honest…”

Yes, we’ve agreed….and I have plans on how that will play out. I want your perspective on a few questions I have on this though…. I know the “Crows” are going to bash me on this….and it’s deserved. But, you realize if she asks….I have to tell her EVERYTHING….including WHO the AP was. That’s going to have a ripple effect on many people’s lives…. I’m in NC with xAP….but I have to ask you. Should I warn her? I mean, after I’ve confessed everything…..should I let xAP know she needs to prepare for fallout? My mom used to tell me all the time “…often times, when you ask a question, you already know the answer..” This is such a case. I know the answer…..but I have to be transparent. I don’t feel good about outing xAP….especially blindsiding her with it.

 

 

No. No contact. Not even to warn her. Your priority is your wife. If she wants to call up your AP and let loose, she (wife) is the one you stand behind. Warning AP is considering her over your wife and that's not good. And yes, you know the answer, but I felt I would give it to you anyway with a little bit of my perspective...No it isn't going to feel good outing her. But your wife is 100% your concern, not AP. She got into a relationship with you knowing your situation. To me, this is one of those consequences of that. I never warned OM when I confessed. I don't know if he knows and it doesn't matter.

 

 

“…OMG. I do that too! It's so annoying..!”

Super annoying….. Lay there for hours. It’s also when “She” creeps into my thoughts….uninvited.

 

“…You want to open it because you think it will give you closure. But I just don't believe in closure. I think it will bring more pain. But I know the curiosity will win over, it would with me. But I think it's pain shopping (like when you look on her FB and you think it won't hurt, but then it does)…”

Yes, I do feel it would give me some sort of closure. The curiosity will kill me…. If/When it comes…I’m going to hold it for 24 hours before deciding what to do. Meaning,….when it lands on my desk…I’m not going to close my office door and rip it open. I’m going to set in my desk drawer….and let it sit for 24 hours. Within those 24 hours….I’ll do everything I can to convince myself to destroy it.

 

I think that's a very good plan. But I'll reiterate that it won't give you closure. It just won't. You'll be ripping the scab off. In your mind, you might have this fantasy of what she might say (I know I do), but I think that even if they said everything we need to hear to heal us, it still won't. It may even make it worse. For example if she says, "BTG, I'm so sorry for the way I treated you. I was wrong to ghost you. I did it because I loved you and had to let you go" Would that give you closure? I thought a note like that would give me closure, but I think it would hurt me so so much more. Then I would be thinking, "how can you love someone and treat them like that?" and it would just open a whole new can of worms. No contact is best.

 

Glad I removed her from FB. I still have dozens and dozens of pics of her though,…some of just her….and some of us together. I haven’t looked at them in maybe 2-3 months though. The pics are one of the remaining items I need to discard of.

 

 

You will do it. Don't fret too much about it. It will happen when you're ready.

 

“…No. Don't return it. I wouldn't do anything... that is a stronger signal you want NC. It may be something she just needs to get off her chest and doesn't really want a response (which would affect you too).

The best thing would be to just burn it if it ever comes. But I'm not gonna lie. I'd be curious as hell and want to read it…”

How about I send it to you……and you decipher what’s in it that I really need to know…..and keep me from the rest of the “noise.” j/k…that’s a bad idea!!

 

Haha, yes, that's a bad idea, even though I'm nosy and would want to know what she says...

 

Thank you Soul for your stewardship!!! And “Yes”….. You do Matter!!!

 

Thank you. Your messages help me a lot. They really do. And where's our dude Jenkins?? Jenkins??!!

Edited September 18, 2017 by deadsoul

[Back2Good]

“…No. No contact. Not even to warn her…”

Can we explore this some more? I’ll bring some stuff to you for you to take into consideration. Respecting your opinion….and think you are right…. Got some more “stuff” tho….

 

“…But I'll reiterate that it won't give you closure. I think that even if they said everything we need to hear to heal us, it still won't. It may even make it worse…”

I trust you on this….but my stubbornness isn’t relenting.

 

“…I did it because I loved you and had to let you go…”

I can’t say for certain……but I believe this is the case.

 

“….’how can you love someone and treat them like that?’…"

I go back and forth on this….. If I relax my mind and soul…..I can get there,….and see how it can happen this way. Not that I agree with it though…. Without going into a lot of details, that’s just going to open up another rabbit-hole entirely,…. I can relate to this.

“…It will happen when you're ready…”

I’m 99.9999% READY!!!!

 

“…And where's our dude Jenkins?? Jenkins??!!...”

Is it silly for me to be a little worried about him? What if he left this site? Wouldn’t he tell you?

And what’s the protocol when I leave this site…. Is it prudent that I say “bye SoulStrong and Jenkins?”

I wouldn’t want you to think I “Ghosted” ya….! <--see what I did there.

[BigBlueSky]

“…No. No contact. Not even to warn her…”

Can we explore this some more? I’ll bring some stuff to you for you to take into consideration. Respecting your opinion….and think you are right…. Got some more “stuff” tho….

 

“…But I'll reiterate that it won't give you closure. I think that even if they said everything we need to hear to heal us, it still won't. It may even make it worse…”

I trust you on this….but my stubbornness isn’t relenting.

 

“…I did it because I loved you and had to let you go…”

I can’t say for certain……but I believe this is the case.

 

“….’how can you love someone and treat them like that?’…"

I go back and forth on this….. If I relax my mind and soul…..I can get there,….and see how it can happen this way. Not that I agree with it though…. Without going into a lot of details, that’s just going to open up another rabbit-hole entirely,…. I can relate to this.

“…It will happen when you're ready…”

I’m 99.9999% READY!!!!

 

“…And where's our dude Jenkins?? Jenkins??!!...”

Is it silly for me to be a little worried about him? What if he left this site? Wouldn’t he tell you?

And what’s the protocol when I leave this site…. Is it prudent that I say “bye SoulStrong and Jenkins?”

I wouldn’t want you to think I “Ghosted” ya….! <--see what I did there.

 

 

I feel like I'm intruding on your conversation, but wanted to follow this, especially the part about not telling the AP before confessing to your spouse. I don't think I'm anywhere near ready to do that, but I always thought that I would need to give mine a heads up before his life blew apart. It would be a short message, not giving a chance for conversation about it, but just a warning. Maybe that's a bad idea?

 

Anyway, thank you guys for an interesting thread. I'm still following, mostly lurking. It's giving a lot to think about. The letter... Closure... All that. It's good stuff.

[Back2Good]

I feel like I'm intruding on your conversation, but wanted to follow this, especially the part about not telling the AP before confessing to your spouse. I don't think I'm anywhere near ready to do that, but I always thought that I would need to give mine a heads up before his life blew apart. It would be a short message, not giving a chance for conversation about it, but just a warning. Maybe that's a bad idea?

 

Anyway, thank you guys for an interesting thread. I'm still following, mostly lurking. It's giving a lot to think about. The letter... Closure... All that. It's good stuff.

 

 

I remember you BBS!!! You were one of the first respondents when I originally posted. I had to go look back,...but you asked if I thought I could "...genuinely have a good relationship with your wife and withhold this from her...?" And my answer was an emphatic "Yes!" Still is!!

 

Can you catch me up on your story real quick? Are you still NC? How do you avoid seeing him? Are you healing? Moving on?

 

My guidance counselor (looking at you Soul) and I are going to have to explore the "do I warn my xAP if/when I confess" debate. Like you,...I'm not looking to confess.... But if she asks me straight-up (i know she has suspicions) I won't withhold it from her. And with that,...I know I can't just confess the A happened....but not tell her with whom. And it would literally floor her to know the "whom" factor. IF.....I was to warn xAP....it would most definitely be a drive-by.... #YouNeedToPreparexAP. (I'm in no way interested in re-engagement.) Lots of intertwined characters will be impacted. And yes, major repercussions for the xAP. It's why I need to warn her. But once again, Soul has me thinking....and throat-punched me with "...you're dishonoring your wife by warning xAP..." I don't wanna dishonor my wife. Not any more than I already have/doing.

[georgia girl]

I remember you BBS!!! You were one of the first respondents when I originally posted. I had to go look back,...but you asked if I thought I could "...genuinely have a good relationship with your wife and withhold this from her...?" And my answer was an emphatic "Yes!" Still is!!

 

Can you catch me up on your story real quick? Are you still NC? How do you avoid seeing him? Are you healing? Moving on?

 

My guidance counselor (looking at you Soul) and I are going to have to explore the "do I warn my xAP if/when I confess" debate. Like you,...I'm not looking to confess.... But if she asks me straight-up (i know she has suspicions) I won't withhold it from her. And with that,...I know I can't just confess the A happened....but not tell her with whom. And it would literally floor her to know the "whom" factor. IF.....I was to warn xAP....it would most definitely be a drive-by.... #YouNeedToPreparexAP. (I'm in no way interested in re-engagement.) Lots of intertwined characters will be impacted. And yes, major repercussions for the xAP. It's why I need to warn her. But once again, Soul has me thinking....and throat-punched me with "...you're dishonoring your wife by warning xAP..." I don't wanna dishonor my wife. Not any more than I already have/doing.

 

Just food for thought... when/if the conversation goes down, a condition your wife may have for reconciliation would be no contact with OW from the moment of your conversation. Would you lie to your wife to warn exOW? Or would you be prepared to honor your wife's request? I just think you ought to consider this possibility.

[Back2Good]

Just food for thought... when/if the conversation goes down, a condition your wife may have for reconciliation would be no contact with OW from the moment of your conversation. Would you lie to your wife to warn exOW? Or would you be prepared to honor your wife's request? I just think you ought to consider this possibility.

 

Well,.....I must say....I haven't thought of that scenario....

However, the answer to your question came to me immediately....

"No." I would not lie to her and warn xAP.

 

Lets take it further.... If/When this confession takes place....and my wife doesn't outright say "NC w/xAP"..... I'm still obligated not to,...and it's like Soul said "...warning xAP is considering her over your wife...." *light-bulb finally lit up above my head*

 

So,...Let's review.

I won't be warning xAP after confession.

And after this much time has passed, I won't make contact with xAP to say, "...hey, you,....yeah you,....xAP.....if she asks,....I'm gunna expose you...just FYI.....bye Felicia..."

 

So conclusion is,..... xAP will be blindsided. This sucks. I just wish they didn't know each other... It's my own doing though,.... I/we made this bed. Now I/we must lie in it....

 

*side-note: And nothing to do with nothing... xAP's H once asked her straight up,.... Are you and "B2G" in an inappropriate relationship... xAP: "Nope."

[BigBlueSky]

I remember you BBS!!! You were one of the first respondents when I originally posted. I had to go look back,...but you asked if I thought I could "...genuinely have a good relationship with your wife and withhold this from her...?" And my answer was an emphatic "Yes!" Still is!!

 

Can you catch me up on your story real quick? Are you still NC? How do you avoid seeing him? Are you healing? Moving on?

 

My guidance counselor (looking at you Soul) and I are going to have to explore the "do I warn my xAP if/when I confess" debate. Like you,...I'm not looking to confess.... But if she asks me straight-up (i know she has suspicions) I won't withhold it from her. And with that,...I know I can't just confess the A happened....but not tell her with whom. And it would literally floor her to know the "whom" factor. IF.....I was to warn xAP....it would most definitely be a drive-by.... #YouNeedToPreparexAP. (I'm in no way interested in re-engagement.) Lots of intertwined characters will be impacted. And yes, major repercussions for the xAP. It's why I need to warn her. But once again, Soul has me thinking....and throat-punched me with "...you're dishonoring your wife by warning xAP..." I don't wanna dishonor my wife. Not any more than I already have/doing.

 

Hey there B2G,

 

I forget when I last posted on this thread. Anyway, long story short, after a few hiccups, yes we're in NC. I feel good about it. It's the right thing. I'm starting to heal and move on. I'm starting to have moments of realizing the awfulness of what I did, yet I often still think of him. And yet when I think about him, I try to push away the good memories. Honestly it hurts to think about them. I am focusing on the reality of what it was. And then I divert my thoughts elsewhere. It's going to be a loooong process.... But I feel like I'm on the right track now and have resolve to see it through. I know it's best for everybody. I realized that previous NCs I was doing it for everyone else (for him, for my family and marriage) but this time around I'm doing it for me. And I feel like I have supports in place so in that way, I am in a much better head space than I was a few months ago.

 

Interesting thoughts by you on what you would do if you confessed. I'm interested in what ds thinks (she's my guidance counsellor too, lol). Similar boat as you, we all know each other.

 

Oh and you asked how I avoid him. We aren't in the same circles on a regular basis anymore (used to be a few years ago through school). If we're not intentional about seeing each other we won't be bumping into one another often. I'm thankful for that.

[Minnie09]

I have a question and first of all I would like to say that I'm very thankful for this thread. It is a true eye-opener.

 

So question to OP: you say your wife has an inkling, but she will not ask you for the details or anything else? This is completely hard to believe for me. My xmm used to say the same thing. I never believed him. I always thought she clearly has no clue at all. And I always thought that he told me this, in order to keep me at bay, a.k.a. not spill the beans. Which I would never have done anyways. So why do you think your wife doesn't want to know any details? I could not imagine being in that situation where I would suspect my husband to have an affair with some other woman, and not ask any questions. That would just give me an ulcer.

 

TIA!

[elaine567]

I have a question and first of all I would like to say that I'm very thankful for this thread. It is a true eye-opener.

 

So question to OP: you say your wife has an inkling, but she will not ask you for the details or anything else? This is completely hard to believe for me. My xmm used to say the same thing. I never believed him. I always thought she clearly has no clue at all. And I always thought that he told me this, in order to keep me at bay, a.k.a. not spill the beans. Which I would never have done anyways. So why do you think your wife doesn't want to know any details? I could not imagine being in that situation where I would suspect my husband to have an affair with some other woman, and not ask any questions. That would just give me an ulcer.

 

TIA!

 

I agree it is very unlikely that she knows anything.

No-one could just coolly sit on that info unless they perhaps had another agenda.

[Back2Good]

I have a question and first of all I would like to say that I'm very thankful for this thread. It is a true eye-opener.

 

So question to OP: you say your wife has an inkling, but she will not ask you for the details or anything else? This is completely hard to believe for me. My xmm used to say the same thing. I never believed him. I always thought she clearly has no clue at all. And I always thought that he told me this, in order to keep me at bay, a.k.a. not spill the beans. Which I would never have done anyways. So why do you think your wife doesn't want to know any details? I could not imagine being in that situation where I would suspect my husband to have an affair with some other woman, and not ask any questions. That would just give me an ulcer.

 

TIA!

 

Hi Minnie….

Well,….let me just begin with this: I absolutely see where you are coming from and respect your POV very much. Thank you for asking sincerely, seeking insight…and not just making a drive-by snide comment.

I can only try to answer you with this; Aren’t we all a little different in how we deal with conflict? My wife, is non-confrontational. She’s not spineless,….don’t get me wrong with that. But she is very calculating in how she decides to confront. She weighs the pros and cons back and forth,….and decides, “is this worth it…” She’s a very positive thinker…glass-is-always-half-full. I think she is in a place now, (emphasizing for “now”) that she feels very comfortable in our relationship and marriage….and happy we aren’t where we were during the time I was in the A. (still hard for me to say “A”) She’s aware there is a monster in the closet…..and she knows if she opens that door,…..all hell will break lose and her world *might* come crashing down. I am VERY VERY confident that she is suspicious. I know this, from not only verbal clues over the years….but visual clues as well. There are things I haven’t put out here on the LS-MB, that blatantly disclose to me that she is aware that “…there was SOMETHING…” going on. I honestly believe, at this point….as of today…..she simply just does not want to know the truth. That can change at any time. For now, she’s very happy where we are right now. She feels loved, she feels secure,….and yes,…..she feels safe. She’s in a good place,….and she doesn’t want to move away from where we are as of now.

Listen,….I’m like you Minnie… If it was ME,…..in her shoes…..damn right. I’d have to know. I would be asking questions,…digging/etc. I would have ulcers over it as well…. But I’m not her. She is her own person, and she’s (I know I keep saying this) in a good place. She’s just happy the storm has passed….and please believe me,…..I am happy it has passed as well. Our marriage, in its current state is healthy and it’s thriving. Not perfect…as I have some work to do making up for those years I was gone.

Do I think she’ll ever come to me and ask about those years? Yeah,….I think she might. (key word “might) But she’s not ready to right now. Only she will ever know if/when she’s ready to ask me questions. I’ve breached this before in this thread…but I’ve initiated discussions recently,…opening the door for her to dig in and ask me. She won’t go there though.

Also,…btw….and just for the record. I never told my AP during our A what your xMM said to you. But I also wasn’t concerned my xAP was going to blow the lid off and expose everything. In fact,….there was a period of time that I wanted her/us to do exactly just that!! (subject for another thread/time.)

 

I hoped I answered your question Minnie. I’m being as honest and transparent as I possibly can be. It boils down to a few simple things.

1- She’s not ready to know.

2- She’s very happy.

3- She’s not a “rear-view” mirror type of person. (the past belongs exactly there…in the past.)

4- She’s her own person….and I respect that.

[Back2Good]

Hey there B2G,

 

I forget when I last posted on this thread. Anyway, long story short, after a few hiccups, yes we're in NC. I feel good about it. It's the right thing. I'm starting to heal and move on. I'm starting to have moments of realizing the awfulness of what I did, yet I often still think of him. And yet when I think about him, I try to push away the good memories. Honestly it hurts to think about them. I am focusing on the reality of what it was. And then I divert my thoughts elsewhere. It's going to be a loooong process.... But I feel like I'm on the right track now and have resolve to see it through. I know it's best for everybody. I realized that previous NCs I was doing it for everyone else (for him, for my family and marriage) but this time around I'm doing it for me. And I feel like I have supports in place so in that way, I am in a much better head space than I was a few months ago.

 

Interesting thoughts by you on what you would do if you confessed. I'm interested in what ds thinks (she's my guidance counsellor too, lol). Similar boat as you, we all know each other.

 

Oh and you asked how I avoid him. We aren't in the same circles on a regular basis anymore (used to be a few years ago through school). If we're not intentional about seeing each other we won't be bumping into one another often. I'm thankful for that.

 

 

Pulling for you BBS.... Each day at a time....but I'm happy for you that NC is remaining intact.

I read up on your story... Very similar boat we share!! Which actually brings me comfort,....seeing all of these stories in here,....that are seemingly identical to my story....which I once ignorantly thought my story was 1-in-a-million.... It's good to know I’m not special!!

I'm also thankful for you that you don’t have a risk of running into him. I saw that your kids shared a school with his....so I knew that would be tough…but sounds like your living situation has changed.

 

Good luck BBS…. Hoping for the best for you…..all of you…. All of us….

[georgia girl]

B2G,

 

For what it's worth, I really respected your answer to my question. It shows that you are methodically putting your wife first. And as time goes by, I think that the urge to put her first will become more and more second nature. (No more "throat punches" so to speak when posters pose questions).

 

Here's something you may want to consider. As time goes by and you get even farther away from the affair and heal even more from that time in your life, are you going to want that ticking time bomb in your closet? Will you fear it coming out at a time when things are so good that it will destroy everything?

 

For what it's worth, there may be some logic in telling her sooner rather than later and healing together. I think seeing her real pain may erase that last bit of fog for you. I also think that as a spouse, as much as I would hate to know about an affair, if my spouse confessed and told me that on his own, he chose to recommit to me and become the partner I needed - not because he was caught - that would resonate deeply with me and make me very likely to give my marriage a chance (and this is from someone who once said, "If you cheat, don't bother coming back. There isn't anther thing we ever need to say to each other.") A spouse who shows remorse, honesty and real commitment and effort would be worth the battle for me to save my marriage.

 

I think you have done some tremendous work on this thread healing yourself. I actually think you miss the OW a lot less than you think you do. It was the combination of falling in love again and then getting ghosted that has you caught up in thinking of her. To be straight up, I think your heart is where you truly want to be - home with your wife. Good luck.

[wmacbride]

One thing I've learned from this whole mess is how judgmental I was. It's so easy to tell everyone else how they should do things and why they should do things a certain way. How about if we all just learn to accept that people make different choices, but they are doing what works for them? Maybe it's not the "right" way or maybe it's not what one "should" be doing, but I spent too long doing what I "should not" have been doing. I always keep in mind that people are advising based on their own experiences and hurts, but I still maintain that there's no one "right way" to do things.

 

I admire that you own and take responsibility for your mistakes. I think that's huge. It was very hard for me to do that.

 

My questions (and I hope they don't come across "judge-y" I'm genuinely interested):

 

How are you sure that the A won't happen again when she connects? (you answered this a little bit, but I guess coming from a point of view that I said I would NEVER have an affair, that was the lowest of the low and then I did, I'm really reluctant to make statements like this now. Instead I say, "I'm choosing each day to not make those choices again.")

Do you still have strong feelings for your AP and how do you deal with them? (From your words, I sense you still have strong feelings. How does this affect R with your wife? One of my big struggles has been how can I be all in with R if I still harbor feelings for OM? Though now I see it for what it was and they have diminished a lot)

What do you think led you to the affair in the first place?

 

That is so easy to say when you aren't the one who has to carry the burden.

[wmacbride]

Jenkins...

 

I wonder what your wife would think about this? You posting, talking about your A and your exOW even after all this time has passed?

 

I get what you're trying to do. It isn't going to work.

 

Many bs would be fine with their former ws posting about the A because it woudl indicate they are processing their way through it.

 

it takes time, and I would be glad they were making the effort.

[wmacbride]

First of all,…thanks for the feedback. Positive and judgmental stuff…all appreciated.

 

 

I haven’t posted recently…but I’ve been reading and keeping up. I just want to clear up a couple things…and peeps can take it for what they want…or need to.

 

 

I didn’t throw out my xAP like garbage. She Ghosted me….suddenly. I didn’t Ghost her…thus I didn’t toss her aside. It was ME that felt like discarded trash.

 

 

If all is marital-bliss…then why am I posting here a yearafter. (I have thought about it.) Marriage is fine…and in good shape. I’ve stated it before…I’m not perfect and not in the market for Glass-Houses. I’m here because I’m struggling with the fact my xAP Ghosted me clean…and I don't know why. Simple as that. It was not a phase out…I did not see it coming. It was a hard, crisp and abrupt Ghosting. That is what’s bothering me. (but I’m getting better each and every day…) I guess I just wish we could have had that final "NC" talk. "This is wrong...we can't do this...I love you, but...........'bye'...."

 

 

I made a mistake. I can’t get those years back….but I can damn sure build on the future years. And ensure I don't let history repeat itself.

 

 

It was stated that until I come clean with my BS, my marriage cannot be healthy. I see this point…and I won’t dispute it. I feel each situation is different though. If I tell my BS….and give her all the history…I do think she will stay in the marriage….although it will destroy her. What I will be doing….is passing my burden on to her. Now we both are in pain. I’ve researched a lot about whether to “tell BS or not”….and from the professionals....it’s 50/50. My heart and my gut tells me not to tell her. Yes…judge me please…cause one reason I’m not confessing to my BS, IS because I’m protecting my xAP. Yes, I see the hypocrisy in that…and how one can tell me that I’m choosing my xAP over my BS. True….But I will also stick with…the damage it’ll do to my spouse outweighs the benefit of coming clean. I'm not afraid to tell my BS about the A. It's just that the benefit of doing so, in my situation, doesn't make sense....in the whole scheme of things.

 

 

Tearing down my xAP in my mind: Yes….I’m trying that. Know why?? Because it HELPS me heal. Just because the A is over….doesn’t mean the feelings stop. I want to forget about her. I’m not angry with her…In fact it’s the opposite. I just want to forget about her. I KNOW that for me to be fully vested with my spouse…I need to get xAP out of my frickin’ mind. You don’t just forget the xAP once it’s over...sans narcissists. There’s a process that needs to occur…and everyone’s situation is different.

 

 

Thank you freegreen: I like your words-of-wisdom: “..you will just remember it as an incent…” #Goals

 

 

Maybe none of us here are really having affairs: Haha!! I had to laugh…because I’ve wondered a few times how many stories on here are for real???

 

 

Now for some Randomness:

I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know how many miles are left to get out of the tunnel...but I see a light at the end. I'm having positive thoughts.

 

 

Jenkins: This is very important. I gotta know... Cabernet wine?? (my go-to of choice)

 

 

DeadSoul: Change yourusername please…because your soul is far from dead. If it was dead…you wouldn’t be here….and you are quite honestly one of the most logical, intelligent, insightful posters on here…. (nod to you and Jenkins95…and some others.) Souls that are actuallydead….can’t articulate so clearly the rawness of your experience, thoughts and feelings. And your words-of-wisdom to others. I took some notes on your journey. just some random thoughts I had as I read through the pages of your situation.

 

Final Thoughts:

I heard something today that’s resonating with me a lot.

"...Often time the things that matter the most to you...the things you might need the most.....are often times the very same things that you UNDER appreciate the most...."

Ask yourself...what are those things that you take for granted....that you need the most....yet you go days, weeks, months, years...or more....without actively appreciating them. Maybe that "thing" is your spouse...??? What ever it may be... Dig deep in your soul....find what it is you truly need...and ask yourself if you are living out loud your appreciation. #Gratitude.

 

I'm not sure what happened since you wrote this, but I would be very careful.

 

Some ow use ghosting as a way to try and get over the A as soon a possible. they need to make the cut sharp and quick because it's painful but they need to get away.

 

Others use it to try and manipulate the mm back into the affair ( absence makes the heart grow fonder?)

 

I don't know her or you, so I don't know which category she fall into If it's the second, you may very well find her on the phone or emailing your wife to tell her out the A.

 

if your wife hears about it from anyone but you, it will break her in a way you likley won't be able to repair. Do you think there is a risk your ex could spill the beans out of spite?

 

the third category is someone like "my" ex-ow. My husband had a very short A, and she has been a pain in the ass to me for many years years now. Not him...she leaves him alone. It's me who gets the aggravation.:laugh: ( he had the A, I get stuck dealing with her...where's my fun in all of this?:laugh:)

[wmacbride]

OP,

I'm saying this to you with all due respect, and please give it some thought.

 

I found out about my husband's A when he told me, and it's been a long time.We've been able to talk about it ( and even laugh a bit...crazy as that sounds).

 

One night we were talking about it, and we ended up on the subject of how I was feeling before I found out about the A.

 

He had convinced himself that i was fine, all was okay and I was living in blissful ignorance. I can assure you, I was not.

 

I thought something was wrong. Not that he was cheating, just that something was wrong,and that it was my fault. I didn't know what it was, and if I asked him, he'd say everything was fine, and that just made me feel even worse.

 

I can't tell you what your wife is thinking, or what she would want or even what you should do. All I can say is that there is a certain cruelty in hiding something like this. All those times you withheld affection and sex because you didn't want to cheat on your wife, all those times you left her to handle things while you were off enjoying "playtime", all those times she would have loved to have you by her side, supporting her and where were you?

 

That all adds up. You may not see it, but it's there. Have you ever seen an corn that has been eaten by a weevil? On the outside, all is good, even thought internally, it's been ravaged. That's what many bs in your wife's situation go through. All the times you snapped at her for getting too close to your phone, every time she wanted a cuddle but you had to go out "for work", every time she felt bad and needed you, you were not there.

 

I don't care how "positive" a thinker someone may be. That all hurts, and plays tricks with someones mind. There is a good chance she blamed/blames herself for how you have been acting. In fact, many bs will say that once they knew about the A,suddenly everything makes sense.

 

Also, and I think I said it before, you are assuming your ex-ow will keep her mouth shut. You have zero control over that. Ow and om spill the beans, they get caught by their own bs who spills the beans, or the bs finally clues in. If she finds out from anyone else betides you, especially as time goes by, you will likely either end your marriage or leave it as a gasping corpse.

 

Like I said, I can't tell you what to do, just present some the other side of the story. btw, if you want to know how a bs feels, how about you ask them? Ws can be great sounding board and often have really helpful advice, but now matter how perceptive they may be, it's hard to talk from a perspective you have never had ( a bs)

[deadsoul]

“…No. No contact. Not even to warn her…”

Can we explore this some more? I’ll bring some stuff to you for you to take into consideration. Respecting your opinion….and think you are right…. Got some more “stuff” tho….

 

 

Yes, If you feel bring more information will help me see why you want to warn her, you know I'm open to that. In my case, there was no warning. My AP and H were friends. My H has chosen at this point not to confront him and honestly, I don't think he will in the future, but he could change his mind. Unless your wife is going to hurt your AP and she needs to fear for her life, then I still say do not warn. Let the cards fall where they may. Based on what you've said about your wife? I think she would just shut her out and never speak to her again. She doesn't seem like she'd confront... but you know best.

 

 

“…But I'll reiterate that it won't give you closure. I think that even if they said everything we need to hear to heal us, it still won't. It may even make it worse…”

I trust you on this….but my stubbornness isn’t relenting.

 

We can add that to the stubbornness on my end that OM didn't ghost me because he "cared about me" or was doing what was best for me. He's just a douche. I still don't want to buy your version of how he might be feeling. But I also tend to be negative and tend to think the worst: things I'm working on changing.

 

 

“…I did it because I loved you and had to let you go…”

I can’t say for certain……but I believe this is the case.

 

“….’how can you love someone and treat them like that?’…"

I go back and forth on this….. If I relax my mind and soul…..I can get there,….and see how it can happen this way. Not that I agree with it though…. Without going into a lot of details, that’s just going to open up another rabbit-hole entirely,…. I can relate to this.

 

 

well now I'm curious....

 

 

“…It will happen when you're ready…”

I’m 99.9999% READY!!!!

 

“…And where's our dude Jenkins?? Jenkins??!!...”

Is it silly for me to be a little worried about him? What if he left this site? Wouldn’t he tell you?

And what’s the protocol when I leave this site…. Is it prudent that I say “bye SoulStrong and Jenkins?”

I wouldn’t want you to think I “Ghosted” ya….! <--see what I did there.

 

You better not ghost me! I'll be mad! But I don't think you would. Jenkins is probably busy. He'll check in when he can I'm sure. Sometimes I sense that he goes through down times too and maybe just needs to take a break from it all. I get that.

 

Today's been kind of a challenging day for me. Not sure why. Not triggered or anything, but I've had so many good days and today was just not as good. It wasn't as bad as it's been in the past, but it's just been kind of weird. Can't explain it. I think I may have dreamed about him last night and sometimes that gets me thinking the next day.

[deadsoul]

That is so easy to say when you aren't the one who has to carry the burden.

 

I don't understand what you're referring to.. I could be a little slow this evening... very tired. Can you elaborate please?

[deadsoul]

Hey there B2G,

 

I forget when I last posted on this thread. Anyway, long story short, after a few hiccups, yes we're in NC. I feel good about it. It's the right thing. I'm starting to heal and move on. I'm starting to have moments of realizing the awfulness of what I did, yet I often still think of him. And yet when I think about him, I try to push away the good memories. Honestly it hurts to think about them. I am focusing on the reality of what it was. And then I divert my thoughts elsewhere. It's going to be a loooong process.... But I feel like I'm on the right track now and have resolve to see it through. I know it's best for everybody. I realized that previous NCs I was doing it for everyone else (for him, for my family and marriage) but this time around I'm doing it for me. And I feel like I have supports in place so in that way, I am in a much better head space than I was a few months ago.

 

Interesting thoughts by you on what you would do if you confessed. I'm interested in what ds thinks (she's my guidance counsellor too, lol). Similar boat as you, we all know each other.

 

Oh and you asked how I avoid him. We aren't in the same circles on a regular basis anymore (used to be a few years ago through school). If we're not intentional about seeing each other we won't be bumping into one another often. I'm thankful for that.

 

You are doing great BBS. I'm proud of you!!!

 

Instead of editing my other thread, BTG, here's another thought... How will warning AP help her? For one, your BS *might* not even contact her. Another, what can she do? Nothing. She'll just be *more* prepared for any confrontation. But here's the thing, at some level, being confronted by BS will not be a blindside to her. All the OW on this board I'm sure have imagined the scenario of the BS finding out and confronting. They can speak to this more than I can, but there's really nothing she can do... unless she's planning to high tail it to China or something. And then you. You'd look like a jackass saying, "Hey, AP. I told my wife! Duck and cover! Bye Felicia!"

 

I still stand by don't contact her for ANY reason. Your wife and her needs are your priority. And who knows? Your wife might decide that together you will write AP a NC letter telling her never to contact you or her again... your wife needs to make that decision though. Let her have that. Remember, you are Back2Good again. Contacting AP is Back2Bad....

 

(see what I did there??) heh heh heh heh....

[Minnie09]

Hi Minnie….

Well,….let me just begin with this: I absolutely see where you are coming from and respect your POV very much. Thank you for asking sincerely, seeking insight…and not just making a drive-by snide comment.

I can only try to answer you with this; Aren’t we all a little different in how we deal with conflict? My wife, is non-confrontational. She’s not spineless,….don’t get me wrong with that. But she is very calculating in how she decides to confront. She weighs the pros and cons back and forth,….and decides, “is this worth it…” She’s a very positive thinker…glass-is-always-half-full. I think she is in a place now, (emphasizing for “now”) that she feels very comfortable in our relationship and marriage….and happy we aren’t where we were during the time I was in the A. (still hard for me to say “A”) She’s aware there is a monster in the closet…..and she knows if she opens that door,…..all hell will break lose and her world *might* come crashing down. I am VERY VERY confident that she is suspicious. I know this, from not only verbal clues over the years….but visual clues as well. There are things I haven’t put out here on the LS-MB, that blatantly disclose to me that she is aware that “…there was SOMETHING…” going on. I honestly believe, at this point….as of today…..she simply just does not want to know the truth. That can change at any time. For now, she’s very happy where we are right now. She feels loved, she feels secure,….and yes,…..she feels safe. She’s in a good place,….and she doesn’t want to move away from where we are as of now.

Listen,….I’m like you Minnie… If it was ME,…..in her shoes…..damn right. I’d have to know. I would be asking questions,…digging/etc. I would have ulcers over it as well…. But I’m not her. She is her own person, and she’s (I know I keep saying this) in a good place. She’s just happy the storm has passed….and please believe me,…..I am happy it has passed as well. Our marriage, in its current state is healthy and it’s thriving. Not perfect…as I have some work to do making up for those years I was gone.

Do I think she’ll ever come to me and ask about those years? Yeah,….I think she might. (key word “might) But she’s not ready to right now. Only she will ever know if/when she’s ready to ask me questions. I’ve breached this before in this thread…but I’ve initiated discussions recently,…opening the door for her to dig in and ask me. She won’t go there though.

Also,…btw….and just for the record. I never told my AP during our A what your xMM said to you. But I also wasn’t concerned my xAP was going to blow the lid off and expose everything. In fact,….there was a period of time that I wanted her/us to do exactly just that!! (subject for another thread/time.)

 

I hoped I answered your question Minnie. I’m being as honest and transparent as I possibly can be. It boils down to a few simple things.

1- She’s not ready to know.

2- She’s very happy.

3- She’s not a “rear-view” mirror type of person. (the past belongs exactly there…in the past.)

4- She’s her own person….and I respect that.

 

Thank you! Very insightful.....do you think it's fear-based on her part?

 

Your explanation is very interesting and very hard to understand for people like me. I'm just the complete opposite. I need to know all the details in order to be able to move forward. And I've been in both positions. OW and BW. So I know what I'm talking about. When I was the BW, I wouldn't cut WH any slack, and I did try for a long time - trust me. I did. However, I never got that feeling that he was completely truthful, completely remorseful, and to me it always felt like that the more I look the more I would find. And I did - and I hated it ------ And I was eventually done. I didn't have it in me to not look into the rearview mirror - for some reason I need that rearview mirror in order to move forward with confidence. And I did not get that. And I just wasn't enough for me.

[Back2Good]

Really appreciate the positive contributions here!! Sincerely do! This is like speed-dating….only it’s speed-counseling! Like I get 60 seconds at the table with peeps who have different experiences, perspectives and angles on the situation…..yet there’s a common thread connecting them all.

 

georgia-girl:

“…I think that the urge to put her first will become more and more second nature. No more "throat punches" so to speak…”

The throat-punches have been uncomfortable at times….but welcomed each and every time. (only the ones that add value…and not meant to harm) They get me thinking. I feel like I’m well down the path of putting my W first…. I mean, except for this secret I’m harboring. Which one could assume my secret negates anything good in my marriage. It doesn’t. Everything else, I put her first.

 

“…That ticking time bomb in your closet? Will you fear it coming out at a time when things are so good that it will destroy everything..?”

Great question….and funny you ask. Not until recently have I been concerned that this could go off years down the road. I think the only way it would come out,…is if W came across hard tangible evidence. Like the box that’s currently in my office. I’ve gotten rid of most of the “stuff” xAP gave me. Cards, notes, trinket gifts/etc. But there are some lingering items that would indict both of us. I’ve been thinking,…what if I die in a car wreck,….or a plane crash….anything. Company would give the box to my W as my personal items… Boy,…that would be an awful way to discover your H had an A. But I think that’s the only way it’ll come out. So, I guess I should look both ways before crossing the street. Not text/drive….drink/drive….(I don’t)….and pray each time I get on a plane for business travel. OR…I could just finish what I’ve started and purge any and everything relating to xAP.

 

“…There may be some logic in telling her sooner rather than later and healing together…”

Great advice gg…. It really is. I don’t dispute this logic at all whatsoever….. I’m in full agreement. 1000%. BUT…..I’m sorry to say,….I’m just not at the point to open that closet door yet. This could change at any given moment/day. I mean,…I’m back and forth on my feelings about xAP from day to day….so my position on this could change as well. When I re-read my initial post in this thread….I ALMOST don’t recognize myself. Thank you for this,….I’ll remember this nugget of advice.

 

“…I think your heart is where you truly want to be - home with your wife…”

You are VERY intuitive gg. I bet you score off the charts on an EQ test. I first read this last night. I have to admit it brought a tear to my eye…..just in the realization that when I read your words,…it reminded me that I am indeed where I want to be….where I need to be….where I’m NEEDED to be….and reminded of how nice it is to come “HOME” each day…..and not come home just to a house. And I remind myself of this daily….and I make sure my W not only feels how I feel….but she hears it too. She witnesses it,…she sees it,….and she feels it. There’s a song by a band I like a lot. BlueOctober. They are primarily dark band/lyrics… But lead singer (Jason) is in a different season now,…and he wrote a song called “Home.” Sample lyrics; “…What a glow when you're living true / I'm living for the right now…” (Great lyrics…google them??) So yeah,….I’m “Home” now….

 

 

Wmacribe:

“…If your wife hears about it from anyone but you, it will break her in a way you likely won't be able to repair…”

Oh boy… Yeah,….I know. This falls in line w/gg’s words of “logical to tell her before she hears it from another source…” I’m walking a delicate tight-rope here. I have to decide if I want to chance how D is made….if it is to occur.

“…Do you think there is a risk your ex could spill the beans out of spite..?”

ZERO. Too much at risk for xAP….stuff I haven’t disclosed on here. I’ve purposely haven’t described too much about xAP on here, mostly because….well,…..just because. But trust me,…unless she has a mental breakdown,….or something……there’s no risk whatsoever that xAP will open the closet door.

 

“…It's me who gets the aggravation….”

Good God,….sounds like this woman needs to be in a straight-jacket! 2-week affair,….and 10-years of torment? Is her behavior even legal? May I ask,….are you in the States? Or are you neighbors with Jenkins? Seems like there are laws in place for your H’s xAP’s stalking behavior?? (I’m not an attorney,…but I did stay at a holiday-inn once…)

“…please give it some thought. ‘H’ had convinced himself that i was fine, all was okay and I was living in blissful ignorance. I can assure you, I was not…”

Thank you. I will give it some thought. I’m not indicating I’ll come out,…but you (all of you) are giving me some powerful advice based on your experiences…and I value each one of them. So although I’m not pretending that I’ll change my mind at this point,…please know your words are not falling of deaf ears.

“…there is a certain cruelty in hiding something like this…”

There is!!! And this guilt that I have,….this burden I’m carrying,….it eats at me every day. I have to push it down,….just the same as battling thoughts/memories of my xAP. I am cruel in this aspect. And I hate that part of myself. It’s not who I am. But I’m sorta lost I guess. And might not ever find my way back.

“…all those times she would have loved to have you by her side, supporting her and where were you..? …I don't care how "positive" a thinker someone may be. That all hurts…There is a good chance she blamed/blames herself for how you have been acting…”

Where was I: I was gone. I was emotionally and physically gone. I’m surprised she waited it out. I don’t think she would have much longer,….had I not snapped out of it. I can assure you,..she wouldn’t have made it to this day. Wmacribe,….those days,….even though I thought I was “happy” with my xAP,….I realize now that I wasn’t. I was miserable,…and didn’t know it. I was miserable in watching my wife slowly wilt and die like a flower in the desert. That light went out in her eyes. She was in a bad place,…and it was because of me. Her spontaneous, childlike demeanor vanished. I saw her change. I witnessed how she was learning how to be alone…. I was never, ever verbally abusive to her. I never said a cross-word to her. I never put her down,…or demeaned her in any way. As I even told my xAP,…she’s still the mother of my kids, whom I adore. And of course,...I was never physically abusive ever. (That’s death-penalty worthy to me btw….) But when I’m honest,….I WAS abusive. Emotionally shutting out a spouse is a HORIIBLE….painful type of abuse. God,….I could just see her slowly dying inside. And although I felt badly,…I didn’t change my behavior. Hell,…I even blamed her internally. You know,…cause I had to “justify” my actions and my AP. It’s painful just to write this and re-think about what I’ve done to her. I’ve always thought that I wasn’t afraid to confess my A. And I’ll still tell you,…I’m not afraid to. But writnign this out,….has me realizing that perhaps I am afraid. Not b/c of the work that’d lie ahead….and all that stuff. But I am afraid of watching that light (that she’s now regained) go out again in her eyes. I’d rather take a blade to my wrists….than to ever see that light go out in her eyes. So yeah,….I’ll just leave this here. I’m afraid.

“…If she finds out from anyone else besides you, you will likely either end your marriage or leave it as a gasping corpse…”

Still recovering from my last response,….but yeah. A rotting corpse.

 

“…I can't tell you what to do, just present some the other side of the story…”

And I can’t tell you enough how much I value these word-of-wisdom.

 

Minnie09:

“…do you think it's fear-based on her part..?”

You know,…..I USED to think this. Particularly during the time I was submerged in my fake world of the A. I don’t think so anymore though. She has a great support system…Parents, friends, family….etc. Financials wouldn’t be a concern or fear of hers either. I really just think she’s happy the storm has passed.

“…Your explanation is very interesting and very hard to understand for people like me…”

I know,….I get it. I understand. I guess you’d just have to know my wife and how she ticks.

“…And I've been in both positions. OW and BW. So I know what I'm talking about…”

And I really appreciate everything you’ve shared with me. I respect your perspective very much. And I appreciate your experiences….so I value that too.

[Back2Good]

Jenkins is probably busy. He'll check in when he can I'm sure. Sometimes I sense that he goes through down times too and maybe just needs to take a break from it all. I get that.

 

Today's been kind of a challenging day for me. Not sure why. Not triggered or anything, but I've had so many good days and today was just not as good. It wasn't as bad as it's been in the past, but it's just been kind of weird. Can't explain it. I think I may have dreamed about him last night and sometimes that gets me thinking the next day.

 

SoulStrong:

“…Sometimes I sense that he (Jenks) goes through down times too and maybe just needs to take a break from it all…”

Yeah,….our boy Jenkins,…when you read his posts, responding to people,….whether he’s comforting, advising, sharing his experiences,…..whatever,…he puts a lot of time and effort into his thoughts. You can just tell. He’s human,…and I’m sure has bad days too. Hope all is well Jenks,….you’re a good dude…..dude.

“…Today's been kind of a challenging day for me…I've had so many good days and today was just not as good…wasn't as bad as it's been in the past, but it's just been kind of weird. Can't explain it….”

You don’t need to explain,… I think I understand without you needing to explain. Why does this happen to us? I do NOT seek or want a life with xAP. I don’t fantasize about a life being with her. I do NOT want to go back and reignite the A. I want to forget and move on. So why does she crawl back into my thoughts? I wish her well,….I wish her all the best. I want her to be super happy… I want her to forget about me. (see how much I’ve grown over the past 5-weeks) Georgia-girl said; ‘…I actually think you miss the OW a lot less than you think you do. It was the combination of falling in love again and then getting ghosted…’ She’s on to something. Am I missing the A?? Or am I missing her? You and I have touched on this before….

I’m sorry you had a rough day. I hope today will be a “two-steps” forward for you. I’m actually doing pretty good this week. (it’s only wednesday tho) A couple rough hours here and there,….but overall,….doing ok. I just don’t know how/why she has such a grip on me. I think I need to go back to my list,…and tear her down. Focus on the negative stuff. It’s trickery,….but whatever helps you get through the day I suppose.

 

“…I think I may have dreamed about him last night…”

Ughhhhh….!!.....those damn dreams. Stop dreaming about that boy Soul!! He's not worthy of you...period!

 

“...your BS *might* not even contact her…”

Oh,…..BS will contact her. Her and many many others too…..

 

“…How will warning AP help her..? …She'll just be *more* prepared for confrontation…”

It’s not so much about being prepared for a confrontation by my wife….I’m sure she’s ready for that. It’s more along the lines of giving her the opportunity to go to others, in her family and community, and tell them first,…before it “hits the wire…” so to say.

 

“…I still stand by don't contact her for ANY reason…”

Ok,….ok,….ok…. You got me there. You got me there with the “..are you going to lie to your wife about NC with xAP…” Thank you!!

 

“…Back2Bad…”

HaHA!! I like it!! If I ever relapse…..and fail myself, my family, my God and my wife….and you see a new handle on here with the name “Back2Bad”……you can feel free to “smfh” at me….. It’ll be me,…with a slew of 1,000 excuses….none of which will worth a penny.

I’m going to call my “other side” B2B. My demons exist within me….. I just have to make the choice every day to make the right decisions. So if I ever refer B2B to you,…you’ll know I’m not behaving.

 

Btw Soul,….that “girl within you”…..that needs to be cautiously released? Remember her? Yes? Well,....she needs a name. Sure,…it could/should be whatever YOUR name is,…but she needs a powerful reference name. What should we call her? Might I suggest:

>Até: Greek goddess of mischief, delusion, ruin, and folly.

>Alectrona: An early Greek goddess of the sun,

>Bia: The goddess of force and raw energy,

>Elpis: The spirit and personification of hope.

>Eris: Greek goddess of chaos, strife and discord

>Mania: Spirit goddess of insanity, madness, crazed frenzy and the dead.

>Metis: Titan goddess of wisdom

>Nemesis: The goddess of retribution and personification of vengeance.

[wmacbride]

I don't understand what you're referring to.. I could be a little slow this evening... very tired. Can you elaborate please?

 

I didn't mean it as a slight.

 

What I meant was that many ws are able to use the A and the aftermath to learn and grow. That is wonderful for them, and it's a good thing. In fact, I greatly admire a ws who is willing to do this. I expect it is very humbling and not an easy process to go through.

 

The other side of the coin is that the bs is the one who pays the heaviest price for all of this personal growth. Many time,s it's a far greater price than the ws will ever know or understand.

 

I'm not saying that to run ws down. It's just that it can be hard to understand how a person can feel without having experienced a situation yourself.