Ghosted Over A Year Ago...And It Still Hurts

[wmacbride]

Some ws are able to put in a huge amount of work on themselves to find out why they cheated and learn better ways of acting.

 

I knew for some of them, that process can be really painful, and I am always in aw that they are able to do it.

[deadsoul]

SoulStrong:

“…Sometimes I sense that he (Jenks) goes through down times too and maybe just needs to take a break from it all…”

Yeah,….our boy Jenkins,…when you read his posts, responding to people,….whether he’s comforting, advising, sharing his experiences,…..whatever,…he puts a lot of time and effort into his thoughts. You can just tell. He’s human,…and I’m sure has bad days too. Hope all is well Jenks,….you’re a good dude…..dude.

“…Today's been kind of a challenging day for me…I've had so many good days and today was just not as good…wasn't as bad as it's been in the past, but it's just been kind of weird. Can't explain it….”

You don’t need to explain,… I think I understand without you needing to explain. Why does this happen to us? I do NOT seek or want a life with xAP. I don’t fantasize about a life being with her. I do NOT want to go back and reignite the A. I want to forget and move on. So why does she crawl back into my thoughts? I wish her well,….I wish her all the best. I want her to be super happy… I want her to forget about me. (see how much I’ve grown over the past 5-weeks) Georgia-girl said; ‘…I actually think you miss the OW a lot less than you think you do. It was the combination of falling in love again and then getting ghosted…’ She’s on to something. Am I missing the A?? Or am I missing her? You and I have touched on this before….

 

Yes, all this exactly. Except the part where he did forget all about me. I have no doubts (and I know we've been over this, but my mind still says he put me out of his mind. And that's okay.) And I know I'm not missing HIM. I'm missing those feelings. The good ones, not the bad ones though.... But I remind myself to think of those bad ones right along with the good.

 

 

 

I’m sorry you had a rough day. I hope today will be a “two-steps” forward for you. I’m actually doing pretty good this week. (it’s only wednesday tho) A couple rough hours here and there,….but overall,….doing ok. I just don’t know how/why she has such a grip on me. I think I need to go back to my list,…and tear her down. Focus on the negative stuff. It’s trickery,….but whatever helps you get through the day I suppose.

 

“…I think I may have dreamed about him last night…”

Ughhhhh….!!.....those damn dreams. Stop dreaming about that boy Soul!! He's not worthy of you...period!

 

No. No he's not... but he's been in my dreams all week in some weird way. I don't get it.

 

“...your BS *might* not even contact her…”

Oh,…..BS will contact her. Her and many many others too…..

 

Don't be so sure... I was sure of some of the things my H would do and he didn't. We think we know someone so well, but they get hit by something like this and it might surprise you. I know I don't know the whole story in your case, but when I read my early posts in my thread, the things I assumed my H would do, he hasn't. And she may not contact many others. At first, my H started telling anyone who would listen, but then our kids talked to him and told him it embarrassed them that he talked about it. And BTG, let me tell you, that was the hardest part: my kids finding out.

 

“…How will warning AP help her..? …She'll just be *more* prepared for confrontation…”

It’s not so much about being prepared for a confrontation by my wife….I’m sure she’s ready for that. It’s more along the lines of giving her the opportunity to go to others, in her family and community, and tell them first,…before it “hits the wire…” so to say.

 

Here's the thing... the consequences of who she chose to get involved with are that she may not get that opportunity to go to others. I'm really not saying this to be cruel because I do feel for her, but I stand stubbornly by your wife being your priority, not her. You chose your wife and even though you still have feelings for your AP, your wife deserves your 100% from here on out.

 

 

“…I still stand by don't contact her for ANY reason…”

Ok,….ok,….ok…. You got me there. You got me there with the “..are you going to lie to your wife about NC with xAP…” Thank you!!

 

 

Was that me who said that? I don't even know, lol.... But if I did, I gave good advice... :) Yes, you'd be lying by contacting her again and you've chosen a better path. You know, the good one.

 

 

“…Back2Bad…”

HaHA!! I like it!! If I ever relapse…..and fail myself, my family, my God and my wife….and you see a new handle on here with the name “Back2Bad”……you can feel free to “smfh” at me….. It’ll be me,…with a slew of 1,000 excuses….none of which will worth a penny.

I’m going to call my “other side” B2B. My demons exist within me….. I just have to make the choice every day to make the right decisions. So if I ever refer B2B to you,…you’ll know I’m not behaving.

 

Yes, my demons lie within as well. I also make that choice every day. You and I will have to do that for the rest of our lives. It's one of the consequences of our actions.

 

Btw Soul,….that “girl within you”…..that needs to be cautiously released? Remember her? Yes? Well,....she needs a name. Sure,…it could/should be whatever YOUR name is,…but she needs a powerful reference name. What should we call her? Might I suggest:

>Até: Greek goddess of mischief, delusion, ruin, and folly.

>Alectrona: An early Greek goddess of the sun,

>Bia: The goddess of force and raw energy,

>Elpis: The spirit and personification of hope.

>Eris: Greek goddess of chaos, strife and discord

>Mania: Spirit goddess of insanity, madness, crazed frenzy and the dead.

>Metis: Titan goddess of wisdom

>Nemesis: The goddess of retribution and personification of vengeance.

 

I'm not drawn to any of those names... I liked force and raw energy, but the name Bia didn't fit me... I liken myself to the phoenix rising from the ashes, fresh and new. That girl within, only OM saw her. It was like I was another person. I don't know how to integrate her in a safe way with the way I've always been. I've always done what I was supposed to. I'd never done anything "bad" before this. I don't like how people were hurt by my actions, though. I'm probably not making sense.

[deadsoul]

I didn't mean it as a slight.

 

Didn't take it as one. I just truly did not understand ;-)

 

What I meant was that many ws are able to use the A and the aftermath to learn and grow. That is wonderful for them, and it's a good thing. In fact, I greatly admire a ws who is willing to do this. I expect it is very humbling and not an easy process to go through.

 

The other side of the coin is that the bs is the one who pays the heaviest price for all of this personal growth. Many time,s it's a far greater price than the ws will ever know or understand.

 

I'm not saying that to run ws down. It's just that it can be hard to understand how a person can feel without having experienced a situation yourself.

 

Thank you for sharing this. You're exactly right. It feels selfish that I'm on this personal journey of growth right now because it's hard for me to fit H into this path right now. I also appreciate you realizing how WS's need to learn and grow.

[wmacbride]

Thank you for sharing this. You're exactly right. It feels selfish that I'm on this personal journey of growth right now because it's hard for me to fit H into this path right now. I also appreciate you realizing how WS's need to learn and grow.

 

I can't think of a single person in the world who hasn't made bad choices at some point or another, but important thing is to accept responsibility and learn from it.

 

That is exactly what you are doing. I know it might sound odd, but you should be proud of yourself. Some ws never do what you are doing. They pay lip service to any sort of personal growth. You didn't hide form it. You are facing your demons, and to me, that takes an incredible amount of strength.

 

I understand it's hard, but try not to let the process get you down. Look after and be kind to yourself. You'll get through this.

[georgia girl]

Since you called me intuitive and my intuition tells me you are ready to consider this?...

 

Think for

A moment about the light in your wife’s eyes and how precious that is to you and how it would kill you to see it go away again. Think about how when it was gone, you now regret that it didn’t matter to you like it does now.

 

And now think about the woman who was your direct accomplice in taking that light out of your wife’s eyes. How she didn’t care either and in fact, cared even less about it than you did. And yet, she was your wife’s friend. Today, if anyone was going to hurt your wife, particularly as bad as your OW hurt your wife, you would do anything in the world to protect her and you would be angry and think badly of the person who would try to hurt her. Now, try thinking of your OW in those terms... as someone who would so deeply hurt your wife.

 

I am not trying to demonize your OW. Instead, I am trying to challenge He your perception about all of her good qualities. The last tint on your rose colored glasses is ready to be wiped off. As you think about moving forward and getting rid of momentos and possibly telling your wife, you will need to deal honestly and clearly with your perceptions of your OW. She may be wonderful, but she did help you hurt the person closest to you. She is not your friend, your wife’s friend or a friend of your family. Until you see her that way, you will be stuck.

[deadsoul]

Since you called me intuitive and my intuition tells me you are ready to consider this...

 

Think for

A moment about the light in your wife’s eyes and how precious that is to you and how it would kill you to see it go away again. Think about how when it was gone, you now regret that it didn’t matter to you like it does now.

 

And now think about the woman who was your direct accomplice in taking that light out of your wife’s eyes. How she didn’t care either and in fact, cared even less about it than you did. And yet, she was your wife’s friend. Today, if anyone was going to hurt your wife, particularly as bad as your OW hurt your wife, you would do anything in the world to protect her and you would be angry and think badly of the person who would try to hurt her. Now, try thinking of your OW in those terms... as someone who would so deeply hurt your wife.

 

I am not trying to demonize your OW. Instead, I am trying to challenge He your perception about all of her good qualities. The last tint on your rose colored glasses is ready to be wiped off. As you think about moving forward and getting rid of momentos and possibly telling your wife, you will need to deal honestly and clearly with your perceptions of your OW. She may be wonderful, but she did help you hurt the person closest to you. She is not your friend, your wife’s friend or a friend of your family. Until you see her that way, you will be stuck.

 

Wow. Not even directed at me, but a very powerful post. And I'm applying it to my own situation (just substituting some genders).

 

There is very much a fantasy outlook for us waywards. We need to see the other person for who she/he really is... as well as facing the fact that we were also not a "friend" to our spouses or family. So I very much see what you're saying about the rose tint on our glasses and how we have a distorted view of that other person. In my case, I saw him as a bit of a "savior" allowing me to express that side of me that I keep locked away. But that's not real life. And a good person does not do what we did to my H. He (OM) is not a good person. Neither was I... but I am working on changing that.

 

Thank you for this post. It really stopped me and made me think today and I think that's important in my growth. This one might be a bit of a "throat punch" for you BTG. It was for me, but in a good way... I have a feeling it will be the same for you.

[deadsoul]

I can't think of a single person in the world who hasn't made bad choices at some point or another, but important thing is to accept responsibility and learn from it.

 

That is exactly what you are doing. I know it might sound odd, but you should be proud of yourself. Some ws never do what you are doing. They pay lip service to any sort of personal growth. You didn't hide form it. You are facing your demons, and to me, that takes an incredible amount of strength.

 

I understand it's hard, but try not to let the process get you down. Look after and be kind to yourself. You'll get through this.

 

Thank you for this. Especially coming from a BS who should really hate someone like me, this post is also indicative of YOUR growth as a person. Growth you should not have had to make, but you did it anyway. I admire you and I like how you make me think and you call me on my "wayward" thoughts. I do appreciate that.

 

I say this a lot, but I keep looking at where I was "exactly a year ago." I was in the A... I was miserable. I wanted out, but I didn't. I was lost and I hated myself, but couldn't (wouldn't) stop what I was doing. And now? My life is harder than it has ever been before. But strangely enough, I am happy because I know I'm in a good place and I know I'm growing. And it's so slow. It is sooooo slow. I take steps backward every time I take steps forward. But I will take where I'm at now 1000% over where I was this time last year. My goal is next year at this time to be able to do the same: look back at this time and say I'm in a way better place than I was now.

[georgia girl]

Dead soul and BTG,

 

I truly didn’t mean my post as a “throat punch”, but instead wanted to challenge your perceptions a little bit, particularly as you are both falling out of love - or limerance - with your APs. It’s a natural process of reassessment that gets stunted in an A recovery due to the secret nature of affairs. Even if discovered, if a WS chooses reconciliation, he/she has to grieve and heal in private. That dramatically reduces input from friends and loved ones and allows false impressions to linger longer (when a friend may have challenged your

Impression in a way that would have allowed you a new perspective). So, the idea was to provide a non-threatening, friendly way to get you to start squaring up your impressions vs. reality.

 

Dead soul, for what it’s worth, I think you have done an amazing job healing yourself. It’s time to give yourself credit, look yourself in the eye, forgive yourself, free yourself, and embrace who you are and how GOOD you are.

No one has ever walked through life without failing others. It’s how you make amends that counts. You did awesome.

Edited September 24, 2017 by georgia girl
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[Back2Good]

Since you called me intuitive and my intuition tells me you are ready to consider this?...

 

Think for

A moment about the light in your wife’s eyes and how precious that is to you and how it would kill you to see it go away again. Think about how when it was gone, you now regret that it didn’t matter to you like it does now.

 

And now think about the woman who was your direct accomplice in taking that light out of your wife’s eyes. How she didn’t care either and in fact, cared even less about it than you did. And yet, she was your wife’s friend. Today, if anyone was going to hurt your wife, particularly as bad as your OW hurt your wife, you would do anything in the world to protect her and you would be angry and think badly of the person who would try to hurt her. Now, try thinking of your OW in those terms... as someone who would so deeply hurt your wife.

 

I am not trying to demonize your OW. Instead, I am trying to challenge He your perception about all of her good qualities. The last tint on your rose colored glasses is ready to be wiped off. As you think about moving forward and getting rid of momentos and possibly telling your wife, you will need to deal honestly and clearly with your perceptions of your OW. She may be wonderful, but she did help you hurt the person closest to you. She is not your friend, your wife’s friend or a friend of your family. Until you see her that way, you will be stuck.

 

Good morning GeorgiaGirl. I’m digging the psychology you are laying out here. You know,….I’ve never really thought about it like that. I’ve always held her (xAP) in high regard, partly because I never blamed her for the A taking place….and also prior to the affair, she was an outstanding person with moral integrity. She is known to be very religious. I guess I ruined that for her.

I have a couple theories about why she Ghosted. But you wanna know what I’m starting to wonder now…???...... I’m wondering,….maybe it’s the reason she Ghosted me?? Maybe she woke up, was able to step away from the “FOG” enough to realize the dangerous game she was playing,…and realizing she had become someone she never thought she would. And from there,….maybe she developed anger and resentment to me??....and in that instant,…..was “out”…..and was so disgusted,….she didn’t want to extend the courtesy of a “see ya” discussion. Just “POOF”….vanished into thin air. I already have remorse for the A…..but if this is the case with her,….I would feel badly. Albeit,….it does take two to engage a full blown A….so she has culpability in this as well. And it's not like I was the Lion,...and she the Lamb...I didn't pursue her....it just accidentally happened. Ok,...that's a lie. I can't call it an "accident." It was a mistake I chose.

Ok,…getting back on track with your message (squirrel!!!!) I like the psychology here. Yes,…I will do all I can to protect my W and that light I see in her eyes. Your suggestion just might work,…and I’ll try it out. xAp did indeed hurt my W. Her so called “friend.” For 3ish years, xAP did indeed rob me from the experiences of what should have been memorable, family bonding times. Whether it was trips,….or just simply sitting around the house all day in pajamas on a cold December day watching Christmas movies with the kids. Ughhh…horrible to remember,…but I wouldn’t do that,…..all because it would “hurt” my AP. Not being with the kids,….but being with my W. I wouldn’t even go to the gym with my W b/c it was too intimate to work out together…and it would hurt my xAP. (I was such a horrible person back then…..and maybe still am.) So yeah,….she did rob me from a lot of things. OF COURSE, however,…I own this equally as much,….but for this psychy to work,….I need to, for the time being, take my own accountability out of the picture,….and hold her responsible for hurting my W. (while never forgetting I own it too!!) The difference now will be,….I’ve been beating only myself up,….I’ll now also try and focus my disappointment toward xAP.

I reeeeaaallly like how you are challenging me to “challenge the perception about all of her (xAP) good qualities…” I’ve done this to some extent,….in my mind. I have this fake list of bad things about her,..that I’ve not shared on here. Mostly b/c I’ve made most of them up,…. But this one is REAL,…(hurting my W)….so I can hang on to it.

I’m also going to hang on to your words; “…she is not your friend…” MAN,…I don’t know if you realize how powerful that statement is to me. She-Is-Not-Your-Friend. I thought she was,….but dang if she’s NOT my friend.

“Rose Colored Glasses.” There’s an old song,….called Rose Colored Glasses. It kinda fits your post here GeorgiaGirl. The chorus goes like this; “…..But these rose colored glasses….That I'm looking through

Show only the beauty….'Cause they hide all the truth….”

 

This is a gift GG. Thank you for this.

[Back2Good]

Wow. Not even directed at me, but a very powerful post. And I'm applying it to my own situation (just substituting some genders).

 

There is very much a fantasy outlook for us waywards. We need to see the other person for who she/he really is... as well as facing the fact that we were also not a "friend" to our spouses or family. So I very much see what you're saying about the rose tint on our glasses and how we have a distorted view of that other person. In my case, I saw him as a bit of a "savior" allowing me to express that side of me that I keep locked away. But that's not real life. And a good person does not do what we did to my H. He (OM) is not a good person. Neither was I... but I am working on changing that.

 

Thank you for this post. It really stopped me and made me think today and I think that's important in my growth. This one might be a bit of a "throat punch" for you BTG. It was for me, but in a good way... I have a feeling it will be the same for you.

 

“…There is very much a fantasy outlook for us waywards…” Gosh,…isn’t that the truth! Limerance!!!

But Soul,….now that I’ve identified what it really was I was experiencing,…. “limerance”….how can I push that longing for it out!!!??? Is it the lust I carry that causes me to struggle?

I’m relating here,….because I too viewed xAp as somewhat of a “Savior.” I don’t anymore though….but I definitely did then. I even told her so. I thought she was responsible for releasing a lot of things from within me.

I like GG’s suggestion a lot. Throat-Punch,…yes,….but as you say,….”in a good way..” In a VERY good way. Why do I/we have to be the only Villain in our situation?

 

I am starting to see xAP for what she really was. I’m really kinda viewing her now as one of those Greek mythology Sirens. “…dangerous creatures, who lured nearby sailors with their enchanting music and voices to shipwreck on the rocky coast of their island…” xAP lured me….in a different way than the mythical Siren,….but it’s very similar and boy did she ever lure me. She seduced me....and she knew dang well what she was doing. I'm certain she didn't plan for it to end up a full-scale A....but she knew what she was doing to me. btw,...I JUST CAME TO THIS REALIZATION...just now as I was writing this reply. I'm going to give this some more thought,...but for now,..I'll just leave this here. She damn well knew what she was doing. I'm having glimpses of memories,....of times she touched me in a certain way,...looked at me....and yes,..I'm even going to day dressed for me.... We knew each other for about 4 years prior to our A. I think I can dedicate an entire page to the "duh,...how'd you miss that..." memories. She most definitely seduced me!!!

 

As I indicated above,…it’s not so much HER that I miss now. It’s the feelings. The Limerance of it all…

This thread is titled. “Ghosted Over A Year Ago...And It Still Hurts.” I want to change it to,….

“Ghosted Over A Year Ago….And It Doesn’t Hurt Anymore…..But This Hangover Is Annoying AF…”

 

Can I just say,….I’m glad you are here. It’s enlightening to me to hear from you, your perspective on all of this. Particularly from a female point-of-view and from having the same experiences I’ve had.

It’s true. A good person does not do what you did to your H… A good person does however,….realize the mistakes she’s made,…has genuine remorse,….transparent with her thoughts,…admits she’s still healing,…realizes she still has work to do…..and she works every day to stay on course of making the right choices….

YOU are a good person Charlie Brown… YOU are a good person Soul….. Just sayin’….

[BigBlueSky]

Good morning GeorgiaGirl. I’m digging the psychology you are laying out here. You know,….I’ve never really thought about it like that. I’ve always held her (xAP) in high regard, partly because I never blamed her for the A taking place….and also prior to the affair, she was an outstanding person with moral integrity. She is known to be very religious. I guess I ruined that for her.

I have a couple theories about why she Ghosted. But you wanna know what I’m starting to wonder now…???...... I’m wondering,….maybe it’s the reason she Ghosted me?? Maybe she woke up, was able to step away from the “FOG” enough to realize the dangerous game she was playing,…and realizing she had become someone she never thought she would. And from there,….maybe she developed anger and resentment to me??....and in that instant,…..was “out”…..and was so disgusted,….she didn’t want to extend the courtesy of a “see ya” discussion. Just “POOF”….vanished into thin air. I already have remorse for the A…..but if this is the case with her,….I would feel badly. Albeit,….it does take two to engage a full blown A….so she has culpability in this as well. And it's not like I was the Lion,...and she the Lamb...I didn't pursue her....it just accidentally happened. Ok,...that's a lie. I can't call it an "accident." It was a mistake I chose.

Ok,…getting back on track with your message (squirrel!!!!) I like the psychology here. Yes,…I will do all I can to protect my W and that light I see in her eyes. Your suggestion just might work,…and I’ll try it out. xAp did indeed hurt my W. Her so called “friend.” For 3ish years, xAP did indeed rob me from the experiences of what should have been memorable, family bonding times. Whether it was trips,….or just simply sitting around the house all day in pajamas on a cold December day watching Christmas movies with the kids. Ughhh…horrible to remember,…but I wouldn’t do that,…..all because it would “hurt” my AP. Not being with the kids,….but being with my W. I wouldn’t even go to the gym with my W b/c it was too intimate to work out together…and it would hurt my xAP. (I was such a horrible person back then…..and maybe still am.) So yeah,….she did rob me from a lot of things. OF COURSE, however,…I own this equally as much,….but for this psychy to work,….I need to, for the time being, take my own accountability out of the picture,….and hold her responsible for hurting my W. (while never forgetting I own it too!!) The difference now will be,….I’ve been beating only myself up,….I’ll now also try and focus my disappointment toward xAP.

I reeeeaaallly like how you are challenging me to “challenge the perception about all of her (xAP) good qualities…” I’ve done this to some extent,….in my mind. I have this fake list of bad things about her,..that I’ve not shared on here. Mostly b/c I’ve made most of them up,…. But this one is REAL,…(hurting my W)….so I can hang on to it.

I’m also going to hang on to your words; “…she is not your friend…” MAN,…I don’t know if you realize how powerful that statement is to me. She-Is-Not-Your-Friend. I thought she was,….but dang if she’s NOT my friend.

“Rose Colored Glasses.” There’s an old song,….called Rose Colored Glasses. It kinda fits your post here GeorgiaGirl. The chorus goes like this; “…..But these rose colored glasses….That I'm looking through

Show only the beauty….'Cause they hide all the truth….”

 

This is a gift GG. Thank you for this.

 

Hey B2G, I felt compelled to respond to your recent thoughts about your AP. Maybe because I feel like the other side (having been a MOW) I want to challenge your though about putting your own accountability out of the picture (your words) and seeing your MOW as a temptress and enemy to your marriage.

 

There are some things that I definitely agree with, the main one is that I was an enemy to my MM's marriage. I have always felt guilt about that and how I was impacting his relationship with his wife who didn't deserve any of it. But I don't think it's fair of you to think of her as solely trying to seduce you. She, like I was, struggled with the relationship. For myself, I got wrapped up in emotions. I genuinely cared for MM and deep down, I knew that if I truly wanted the best for him, that I would let him go and let him heal. And yet in my selfishness, because of the connection that I felt that we had, I had so much trouble letting go. I always knew what the right thing was, and yet I was selfish, wanting the connection, wanting to fill what I thought was missing in my life. I'm imperfect and recognize this. I made mistakes. And I feel like I'm finally at the place where I can say that the best thing for him is to heal, to figure himself out, and to work on his marriage. And for me to do the same. And it is hard.

 

Anyway, to villainize your MOW I think is not a complete picture. She is imperfect, conflicted, and was hurting. I just want you to consider those things before you walk to the path of thinking she was all evil. Wanted to write more , but got to run. I hope you consider these things.

[wmacbride]

Hey B2G, I felt compelled to respond to your recent thoughts about your AP. Maybe because I feel like the other side (having been a MOW) I want to challenge your though about putting your own accountability out of the picture (your words) and seeing your MOW as a temptress and enemy to your marriage.

 

There are some things that I definitely agree with, the main one is that I was an enemy to my MM's marriage. I have always felt guilt about that and how I was impacting his relationship with his wife who didn't deserve any of it. But I don't think it's fair of you to think of her as solely trying to seduce you. She, like I was, struggled with the relationship. For myself, I got wrapped up in emotions. I genuinely cared for MM and deep down, I knew that if I truly wanted the best for him, that I would let him go and let him heal. And yet in my selfishness, because of the connection that I felt that we had, I had so much trouble letting go. I always knew what the right thing was, and yet I was selfish, wanting the connection, wanting to fill what I thought was missing in my life. I'm imperfect and recognize this. I made mistakes. And I feel like I'm finally at the place where I can say that the best thing for him is to heal, to figure himself out, and to work on his marriage. And for me to do the same. And it is hard.

 

Anyway, to villainize your MOW I think is not a complete picture. She is imperfect, conflicted, and was hurting. I just want you to consider those things before you walk to the path of thinking she was all evil. Wanted to write more , but got to run. I hope you consider these things.

 

I understand why you feel that way, and I can understand how being an ow could be a very painful experience.

 

This being said, the op chose his wife, so whatever feelings he may/may not have towards his former ow are not relevant at all when it comes to the ow.

 

I would say the same thing to an ow or om who ended an affair but is still hung up on what their former mm or mw is thinking.

 

Simply put, it does not matter, and, tbh, staying bogged down in a relationship, mulling over the reason why the person you got involved with chose to do so or their motives may or may to have been, at least at first, helps no one.

 

 

Of course, it's 100 percent expected that an mm/mw mind will wander back to the affair, likely more at first than later on, but after a while, doing this can become self defeating. One has to let go.

 

I;m not trying to be smug and claiming I have all this figured out. Obviously, I don't, as if I did, I'd be the next Dr. Phil and make millions. All I can do is advise based on my own experiences. While it's important to learn form your past and experiences, no matter what "side" one also has to move on, even if, at first, that is excruciating.

[Back2Good]

Hey B2G, I felt compelled to respond to your recent thoughts about your AP. Maybe because I feel like the other side (having been a MOW) I want to challenge your though about putting your own accountability out of the picture (your words) and seeing your MOW as a temptress and enemy to your marriage.

 

There are some things that I definitely agree with, the main one is that I was an enemy to my MM's marriage. I have always felt guilt about that and how I was impacting his relationship with his wife who didn't deserve any of it. But I don't think it's fair of you to think of her as solely trying to seduce you. She, like I was, struggled with the relationship. For myself, I got wrapped up in emotions. I genuinely cared for MM and deep down, I knew that if I truly wanted the best for him, that I would let him go and let him heal. And yet in my selfishness, because of the connection that I felt that we had, I had so much trouble letting go. I always knew what the right thing was, and yet I was selfish, wanting the connection, wanting to fill what I thought was missing in my life. I'm imperfect and recognize this. I made mistakes. And I feel like I'm finally at the place where I can say that the best thing for him is to heal, to figure himself out, and to work on his marriage. And for me to do the same. And it is hard.

 

Anyway, to villainize your MOW I think is not a complete picture. She is imperfect, conflicted, and was hurting. I just want you to consider those things before you walk to the path of thinking she was all evil. Wanted to write more , but got to run. I hope you consider these things.

 

Oh no BBS,….I’m afraid you perhaps might be misinterpreting my thought process… And/or I have poorly communicated my thoughts.

I want you to realize that this strategy is just a TOOL to use that might enable me to just move on and have all of this to end up just being a faded memory. That’s all I’m striving for. The “villainizing” of my xAP is just smoke-and-mirrors to get me over the hump…. (she did seduce me tho…and I responded)

Yes,… “putting my own accountability out of the picture” are my words….but please realize I know I can’t really do that and absolve myself from all of this. Just as I also said right after “while never forgetting I own it too...” Part of me processing all of this and preventing myself from repeating these mistakes in the future,….requires/demands that I OWN THIS as much as anybody. However, I’m just for the very first time seeing that there were TWO of us involved here,….and prior to GG’s post,…I was putting 100% of the blame on myself.

 

The feelings you described,…about the guilt….struggling with the fact she was in an adulteress affair…genuinely feeling for the MM (I believe she once loved me)…getting wrapped up in the emotions…wanting what was truly best for him…but unable b/c of the connection…..filling voids…. ALL OF THAT….are words I believe xAP would write on this MB about me if she was here. In fact, as I read your words,….it almost sounded as if you really WERE HER… (you’re not tho……….right????)

 

BBS,…these are just mind-tricks to temporarily numb the “hangover” and as I said,…perhaps get me on to the next step of letting go. I know I might come across as talking from both sides of my mouth,…. It’s a mess in my head. Sometimes what I think/feel at 10:42am……don’t apply at 10:45am.

I don’t think she is evil. I wish she was,….cause this would be a lot easier to deal with. I could write about what a great wonderful person she really is…cause she is. But it’s not healthy for me to reminisce by writing it all out. I need to focus on the other side of the coin. So,…please just realize,… Calling her a Siren and stuff,…it’s just a process to get me moving forward. I also need to focus on my W and my marriage….and continue making her a priority.

 

Does this make any sense? (prolly not….I’m all over board…)

Thank you for your post…BBS…and I hope you are in a good place.

[Back2Good]

I understand why you feel that way, and I can understand how being an ow could be a very painful experience.

 

This being said, the op chose his wife, so whatever feelings he may/may not have towards his former ow are not relevant at all when it comes to the ow.

 

I would say the same thing to an ow or om who ended an affair but is still hung up on what their former mm or mw is thinking.

 

Simply put, it does not matter, and, tbh, staying bogged down in a relationship, mulling over the reason why the person you got involved with chose to do so or their motives may or may to have been, at least at first, helps no one.

 

 

Of course, it's 100 percent expected that an mm/mw mind will wander back to the affair, likely more at first than later on, but after a while, doing this can become self defeating. One has to let go.

 

I;m not trying to be smug and claiming I have all this figured out. Obviously, I don't, as if I did, I'd be the next Dr. Phil and make millions. All I can do is advise based on my own experiences. While it's important to learn form your past and experiences, no matter what "side" one also has to move on, even if, at first, that is excruciating.

 

"...One Has To Let Go..."

"...one also has to move on..."

^^^^EXACTLY wmacbride....

 

For me,...if I can tear down the Limerence of it all....I *think* I'll be in the clear and free from these chains. It's been over a year,...and it's really just annoying that I'm having these memories....aka; this Hangover.

[Back2Good]

I am starting to see xAP for what she really was. I’m really kinda viewing her now as one of those Greek mythology Sirens. “…dangerous creatures, who lured nearby sailors with their enchanting music and voices to shipwreck on the rocky coast of their island…” xAP lured me….in a different way than the mythical Siren,….but it’s very similar and boy did she ever lure me. She seduced me....and she knew dang well what she was doing. I'm certain she didn't plan for it to end up a full-scale A....but she knew what she was doing to me. btw,...I JUST CAME TO THIS REALIZATION...just now as I was writing this reply. I'm going to give this some more thought,...but for now,..I'll just leave this here. She damn well knew what she was doing. I'm having glimpses of memories,....of times she touched me in a certain way,...looked at me....and yes,..I'm even going to day dressed for me.... We knew each other for about 4 years prior to our A. I think I can dedicate an entire page to the "duh,...how'd you miss that..." memories. She most definitely seduced me!!

 

^^^^^Well,….that was a fun juggernaut of a mental exercise and exploration…. And an epic fail.

I’m backing off this statement now…. I should learn to explore my thoughts/feelings before spouting off what’s coming into my mind as it enters…

“Sirens”…..jeez,…where do I come up with this crap.

 

Nothing to see here…… Moving along……

[georgia girl]

BTG,

 

Don’t miss my point. The idea is not to demonize her - it’s to stop idealizing her because the relationship ended. You have all of these unrequited emotions, so all of a sudden, she can do no wrong. She is every woman.

 

But, if this had been an open relationship, your buddies and family would be helping you to heal and pointing out how she wasn’t the girl for you.

Since you are healing in private, YOU have to start challenging your idealized vision. Think about her husband would see you. That’s how your wife would see her. Now are you focused only on the good? Or do you see some of the bad?

[Back2Good]

BTG,

 

Don’t miss my point. The idea is not to demonize her - it’s to stop idealizing her because the relationship ended. You have all of these unrequited emotions, so all of a sudden, she can do no wrong. She is every woman.

 

But, if this had been an open relationship, your buddies and family would be helping you to heal and pointing out how she wasn’t the girl for you.

Since you are healing in private, YOU have to start challenging your idealized vision. Think about her husband would see you. That’s how your wife would see her. Now are you focused only on the good? Or do you see some of the bad?

 

No,...I get it GG....I really do. And it's valuable ammunition and I'm thankful for your insight and words-of-wisdom... It's given me a lot to think about today. (not getting much done in the office today!!)

I don't want to demonize her. Nor do I want to idealize her. I just want her gone... And despite my rambling,...I am moving on. And this exercise helps.

 

Thanks GG!

[BigBlueSky]

I understand why you feel that way, and I can understand how being an ow could be a very painful experience.

 

This being said, the op chose his wife, so whatever feelings he may/may not have towards his former ow are not relevant at all when it comes to the ow.

 

I would say the same thing to an ow or om who ended an affair but is still hung up on what their former mm or mw is thinking.

 

Simply put, it does not matter, and, tbh, staying bogged down in a relationship, mulling over the reason why the person you got involved with chose to do so or their motives may or may to have been, at least at first, helps no one.

 

 

Of course, it's 100 percent expected that an mm/mw mind will wander back to the affair, likely more at first than later on, but after a while, doing this can become self defeating. One has to let go.

 

I;m not trying to be smug and claiming I have all this figured out. Obviously, I don't, as if I did, I'd be the next Dr. Phil and make millions. All I can do is advise based on my own experiences. While it's important to learn form your past and experiences, no matter what "side" one also has to move on, even if, at first, that is excruciating.

 

I totally agree with your post! Honestly, it doesn't matter what the OW thinks or feels at this point as that should not be of any concern to OP. I think that's why I have a problem with someone trying to see their AP as something that they weren't in order to move forward. Somehow, I think there is a healthier way of moving forward and taking responsibility for one's actions without having to villainize their affair partner (unless of course they truly were evil). Maybe that's the way I'm choosing to move forward myself... That is to see my AP as imperfect and struggling, to see myself the same way, and to allow ourselves to move forward and heal separately, with our spouses.

 

Wmac, I have always appreciated your posts and the way that you respond with understanding and grace. Thanks for providing your wisdom! I have learned a lot from you. I know I have a lot to work on still and appreciate posters like you.

[BigBlueSky]

Oh no BBS,….I’m afraid you perhaps might be misinterpreting my thought process… And/or I have poorly communicated my thoughts.

I want you to realize that this strategy is just a TOOL to use that might enable me to just move on and have all of this to end up just being a faded memory. That’s all I’m striving for. The “villainizing” of my xAP is just smoke-and-mirrors to get me over the hump…. (she did seduce me tho…and I responded)

Yes,… “putting my own accountability out of the picture” are my words….but please realize I know I can’t really do that and absolve myself from all of this. Just as I also said right after “while never forgetting I own it too...” Part of me processing all of this and preventing myself from repeating these mistakes in the future,….requires/demands that I OWN THIS as much as anybody. However, I’m just for the very first time seeing that there were TWO of us involved here,….and prior to GG’s post,…I was putting 100% of the blame on myself.

 

The feelings you described,…about the guilt….struggling with the fact she was in an adulteress affair…genuinely feeling for the MM (I believe she once loved me)…getting wrapped up in the emotions…wanting what was truly best for him…but unable b/c of the connection…..filling voids…. ALL OF THAT….are words I believe xAP would write on this MB about me if she was here. In fact, as I read your words,….it almost sounded as if you really WERE HER… (you’re not tho……….right????)

 

BBS,…these are just mind-tricks to temporarily numb the “hangover” and as I said,…perhaps get me on to the next step of letting go. I know I might come across as talking from both sides of my mouth,…. It’s a mess in my head. Sometimes what I think/feel at 10:42am……don’t apply at 10:45am.

I don’t think she is evil. I wish she was,….cause this would be a lot easier to deal with. I could write about what a great wonderful person she really is…cause she is. But it’s not healthy for me to reminisce by writing it all out. I need to focus on the other side of the coin. So,…please just realize,… Calling her a Siren and stuff,…it’s just a process to get me moving forward. I also need to focus on my W and my marriage….and continue making her a priority.

 

Does this make any sense? (prolly not….I’m all over board…)

Thank you for your post…BBS…and I hope you are in a good place.

 

Yes, makes sense! I know it's not healthy to reminisce. But I think it's just an interesting strategy that you're using in order to move forward. When my mind starts to wander to the "good" memories I have, I remember that it was in a bubble, that I greatly wronged my husband and family and his wife, and that it wasn't good because it was wrong. And I put my focus back on the work I need to do to repair things with my husband, family and myself.

 

Sorry if I sounded offended! I just find it interesting when we feel like we need to go to the extreme of hating the AP (or something similar to that) in order to let go, but I think every person is different and the strategies that we use to move on look different for everybody. I have my good days and bad still, but committed to working on things. And yes I'm pretty sure I'm not your exAP!

[wmacbride]

I totally agree with your post! Honestly, it doesn't matter what the OW thinks or feels at this point as that should not be of any concern to OP. I think that's why I have a problem with someone trying to see their AP as something that they weren't in order to move forward. Somehow, I think there is a healthier way of moving forward and taking responsibility for one's actions without having to villainize their affair partner (unless of course they truly were evil). Maybe that's the way I'm choosing to move forward myself... That is to see my AP as imperfect and struggling, to see myself the same way, and to allow ourselves to move forward and heal separately, with our spouses.

 

Wmac, I have always appreciated your posts and the way that you respond with understanding and grace. Thanks for providing your wisdom! I have learned a lot from you. I know I have a lot to work on still and appreciate posters like you.

 

Thank you for the compliment . It's nice to know I have helped someone.

 

The way I see it, when it comes to a ws who is trying to move forward, so long as you (general you) can look at yourself in the mirror each night and know you did your best to heal, to help your spouse heal and to learn from what happened, progress has been made. It does no one any favors for a ws to mentally beat themselves up. That isn't going to change what happened, and can actually hinder the process.

 

Op, I've found that viewing reconciliation as a marathon and not a sprint can be really helpful. It' going to take time to mentally sort through all of this, but really, that's as it should be. One way to see it is as an opportunity. Yes, you made some bad choices, but that isn't who you really are. Who are you, what do you want? Who is your wife and what does she want? Once you both figure that out, you will be on your way to better days ahead.

 

Also, it can be really easy to get sidetracked by thoughts and feelings that are not welcome but pop into your mind anyway. My best advice for that is to, at least at first, let that happen but take the time to try and figure out why they are there. Leaning how to do that can be really helpful to the healing process.

Edited September 25, 2017 by wmacbride

[deadsoul]

Dead soul and BTG,

 

I truly didn’t mean my post as a “throat punch”, but instead wanted to challenge your perceptions a little bit, particularly as you are both falling out of love - or limerance - with your APs. It’s a natural process of reassessment that gets stunted in an A recovery due to the secret nature of affairs. Even if discovered, if a WS chooses reconciliation, he/she has to grieve and heal in private. That dramatically reduces input from friends and loved ones and allows false impressions to linger longer (when a friend may have challenged your

Impression in a way that would have allowed you a new perspective). So, the idea was to provide a non-threatening, friendly way to get you to start squaring up your impressions vs. reality.

 

Dead soul, for what it’s worth, I think you have done an amazing job healing yourself. It’s time to give yourself credit, look yourself in the eye, forgive yourself, free yourself, and embrace who you are and how GOOD you are.

No one has ever walked through life without failing others. It’s how you make amends that counts. You did awesome.

 

Aww thanks. Trust me, they are "good" throat punches. I do feel a little stunted right now and it's a tough spot... but I think I have to give myself time. On the other hand, like BTG, I just want to get OVER it already. I'm DONE with it. And I have much better control than I used to, most days, but I do still trigger and still catch myself having wayward thoughts.

[deadsoul]

“…There is very much a fantasy outlook for us waywards…” Gosh,…isn’t that the truth! Limerance!!!

But Soul,….now that I’ve identified what it really was I was experiencing,…. “limerance”….how can I push that longing for it out!!!??? Is it the lust I carry that causes me to struggle?

I’m relating here,….because I too viewed xAp as somewhat of a “Savior.” I don’t anymore though….but I definitely did then. I even told her so. I thought she was responsible for releasing a lot of things from within me.

I like GG’s suggestion a lot. Throat-Punch,…yes,….but as you say,….”in a good way..” In a VERY good way. Why do I/we have to be the only Villain in our situation?

 

I honestly think it's the fantasy. I think we've said that we both are conflict-avoidant and for me, when things get too stressful, that fantasy and that feeling I used to get calmed me down. I have the added stress of R and I catch myself thinking about OM every time I get stressed or frustrated with my H. I'm really starting to notice my triggers. We talk about this being an addiction and OM was my escape. I had those moments of feeling so good that I craved them. And when I do that, I don't want to see the reality. I have to learn to put it in its place and "stay in the moment, in reality." I think this is where the "live in the now" advice comes in because I have a habit of living in the past or worrying about the future.

 

I am starting to see xAP for what she really was. I’m really kinda viewing her now as one of those Greek mythology Sirens. “…dangerous creatures, who lured nearby sailors with their enchanting music and voices to shipwreck on the rocky coast of their island…” xAP lured me….in a different way than the mythical Siren,….but it’s very similar and boy did she ever lure me. She seduced me....and she knew dang well what she was doing. I'm certain she didn't plan for it to end up a full-scale A....but she knew what she was doing to me. btw,...I JUST CAME TO THIS REALIZATION...just now as I was writing this reply. I'm going to give this some more thought,...but for now,..I'll just leave this here. She damn well knew what she was doing. I'm having glimpses of memories,....of times she touched me in a certain way,...looked at me....and yes,..I'm even going to day dressed for me.... We knew each other for about 4 years prior to our A. I think I can dedicate an entire page to the "duh,...how'd you miss that..." memories. She most definitely seduced me!!!

 

 

I'm not going to address this because you clarified yourself in a later post, but this sounds like you were putting it all on her and I know you've owned your part in this, so I'm gonna ignore that section.

As I indicated above,…it’s not so much HER that I miss now. It’s the feelings. The Limerance of it all…

This thread is titled. “Ghosted Over A Year Ago...And It Still Hurts.” I want to change it to,….

“Ghosted Over A Year Ago….And It Doesn’t Hurt Anymore…..But This Hangover Is Annoying AF…”

 

 

Yes. The feelings. It isn't the person. It's the feeling I used to get. But then there was this crash afterwards and this let down because the fantasy never lived up to the reality. Or vice versa. Agree. I just wish I'd get the EFF OVER IT already.

 

 

Can I just say,….I’m glad you are here. It’s enlightening to me to hear from you, your perspective on all of this. Particularly from a female point-of-view and from having the same experiences I’ve had.

It’s true. A good person does not do what you did to your H… A good person does however,….realize the mistakes she’s made,…has genuine remorse,….transparent with her thoughts,…admits she’s still healing,…realizes she still has work to do…..and she works every day to stay on course of making the right choices….

YOU are a good person Charlie Brown… YOU are a good person Soul….. Just sayin’….

 

Thanks sir. Right back attcha! This is a tough road. Your posts help me a lot. Thank you.

[deadsoul]

Thank you for the compliment . It's nice to know I have helped someone.

 

The way I see it, when it comes to a ws who is trying to move forward, so long as you (general you) can look at yourself in the mirror each night and know you did your best to heal, to help your spouse heal and to learn from what happened, progress has been made. It does no one any favors for a ws to mentally beat themselves up. That isn't going to change what happened, and can actually hinder the process.

 

Op, I've found that viewing reconciliation as a marathon and not a sprint can be really helpful. It' going to take time to mentally sort through all of this, but really, that's as it should be. One way to see it is as an opportunity. Yes, you made some bad choices, but that isn't who you really are. Who are you, what do you want? Who is your wife and what does she want? Once you both figure that out, you will be on your way to better days ahead.

 

Also, it can be really easy to get sidetracked by thoughts and feelings that are not welcome but pop into your mind anyway. My best advice for that is to, at least at first, let that happen but take the time to try and figure out why they are there. Leaning how to do that can be really helpful to the healing process.

 

I'm very much learning how to figure out why the unwelcome thoughts pop in my head. I feel like I'm starting to control it way better than I could before. Sometimes I think this is one of the more challenging parts for me because as we get into the more painful parts of R, deciding if we can make a go of this or not, I find my thoughts drift to OM more. Why? Because it's an escape. It's not HIM at all. It's the feelings I used to get. Recognizing that and really trying to reason with myself is helping most of the time.

 

I still struggle though. I like that... marathon. I seem to be falling on my face a lot in this marathon though... But I keep getting back up again. And I will keep doing that.

[deadsoul]

^^^^^Well,….that was a fun juggernaut of a mental exercise and exploration…. And an epic fail.

I’m backing off this statement now…. I should learn to explore my thoughts/feelings before spouting off what’s coming into my mind as it enters…

“Sirens”…..jeez,…where do I come up with this crap.

 

Nothing to see here…… Moving along……

 

Haha. I'm totally GAWKING at you and NOT moving along right now, lol. You know? Part of this process is getting stuff out because it's what we are feeling at the time. Having someone here to challenge our thinking is a good thing. I do see what you were trying to do though... but then you are viewing a distortion in the opposite direction. I think the ultimate goal is to look at reality and own our parts and really see the OP for who they really are.

[deadsoul]

"...One Has To Let Go..."

"...one also has to move on..."

^^^^EXACTLY wmacbride....

 

For me,...if I can tear down the Limerence of it all....I *think* I'll be in the clear and free from these chains. It's been over a year,...and it's really just annoying that I'm having these memories....aka; this Hangover.

 

ME TOO. And I'm coming up on a year... but what's hard is all those "a year ago today...." memories that are coming in. Thank God I'm not on FB anymore. These next couple months are going to be a challenge for me, but I'm going to take a day at a time like I have been all along.

 

Jenkins... if you're out there, hope all is well with you and check in when you can.