Ghosted Over A Year Ago...And It Still Hurts

[wmacbride]

I'm very much learning how to figure out why the unwelcome thoughts pop in my head. I feel like I'm starting to control it way better than I could before. Sometimes I think this is one of the more challenging parts for me because as we get into the more painful parts of R, deciding if we can make a go of this or not, I find my thoughts drift to OM more. Why? Because it's an escape. It's not HIM at all. It's the feelings I used to get. Recognizing that and really trying to reason with myself is helping most of the time.

 

I still struggle though. I like that... marathon. I seem to be falling on my face a lot in this marathon though... But I keep getting back up again. And I will keep doing that.

 

Good for you:) Every time you do, it will get a little bit easier.

 

It sounds to me like you are an ws who is taking the time to face what you did head on and aren't running from it. You aren't running from it. I haven;t been a ws myself, but from everything I have read and heard, it can be a difficult process that can be sometimes be really painful and lay you bare.

 

Fwiw, I greatly admire anyone who is willing to be introspective and put in the kind of work you are. I expect it's not easy, and it takes a lot of courage. That you are willing to do this says a lot about your personal strength.

[wmacbride]

ME TOO. And I'm coming up on a year... but what's hard is all those "a year ago today...." memories that are coming in. Thank God I'm not on FB anymore. These next couple months are going to be a challenge for me, but I'm going to take a day at a time like I have been all along.

 

Jenkins... if you're out there, hope all is well with you and check in when you can.

 

That's really smart. Each day is precious and will bring you it's own gifts. While it's important to keep the big picture in mind, it's just as important ( and maybe even more so) to celebrate the small accomplishments you make in the R process.

 

I'm can't recall if you mentioned it or not, but some find that keeping a personal and private journal really helpful. Not just because it will help you work through your thoughts and feelings, but because it will give you a way, especially if you are having a tough day, of seeing just how far you've come.

[Back2Good]

That's really smart. Each day is precious and will bring you it's own gifts. While it's important to keep the big picture in mind, it's just as important ( and maybe even more so) to celebrate the small accomplishments you make in the R process.

 

I'm can't recall if you mentioned it or not, but some find that keeping a personal and private journal really helpful. Not just because it will help you work through your thoughts and feelings, but because it will give you a way, especially if you are having a tough day, of seeing just how far you've come.

 

wmacbride:

I love this.... "...it's just as important ( and maybe even more so) to celebrate the small accomplishments..."

I want you to know,...I really appreciate your advice and insight. Your approach and encouragement to us WSs speaks volume of your character and ability to open your mind and see things from a different POV.

Thank you....

[Back2Good]

@Soul

 

First of all,….. Good morning!!!

 

OK,…this sentence grabbed my attention! (they all do,…but this one in particular..)

"...I catch myself thinking about OM every time I get stressed or frustrated with my H..."

For me, this kinda falls in line with what you said; “…I'm really starting to notice my triggers…”

So we can agree that when your H frustrates you in some way,….your mind goes to OM? Yes?? OK,…me too!!! As you’ve said Soul,…you are learning your triggers. I’ve recently realized that when my W hurts my feelings (unintentionally, she does on occasion) my mind sometimes goes to OW….and my thought is “OW wouldn’t have done that….she would have reacted like xyz…and that’d make me happy…” Do you realize how unfair that is to my W? Super unfair…!! The good news here is this; When that happens,…and I go to “OW wouldn’t have done that”….I see the fallacy in that. I also recognize how I used to hang on to the instances W hurt my feelings, and translated that into “…well,….there’s validation that my marriage is horrible b/c W just reacted in such a way…” I’d blow it up in my mind as a signal that I wasn’t so horrible being in the arms of another “who loves me.” It was one of my sick mind-games I’d play in my head in an attempt to justify my A. I’m thankful I’m in a good place now though,…and I understand where my W is coming from and that I’m just being over sensitive.

Our love languages differ…. I know that,…and when I’ve been unintentionally hurt by her,…I just need to remind myself,….our LLs differ.

 

"...What's hard is all those "a year ago today...." memories that are coming in. These next couple months are going to be a challenge for me..."

November for you…..yes? It was June for me…so naturally I triggered this summer when the calendar day was one-year of her Ghosting. If you are anything like me,…Yes Soul,….those anniversaries are going to be very challenging. I’m glad you mentioned this…. First of all,…I’m pulling for you and I hope these upcoming anniversaries don’t trigger you too much. But I’m glad you mentioned this b/c although I’ve already lapped a year,….I do have some “trigger-dates” coming up this Fall and Winter. I’m glad you mentioned it because I’m going to start preparing myself now and brace myself to be ready. I want you to do the same. Can you ID now,…the upcoming trigger-dates? And go through the process now of WHY it’s a trigger-date? And then, think about where you were in your life on that day? Was your heart in turmoil? Yes,..?? Well,….remember the pain you were feeling,…..on that trigger-day,….and be joyful,…that you are emotionally in a much better place today/this year. I had a VERY strong trigger-date in December. OW and I were in full affair mode…. We were on a trip and lost in our own little world and bubble. Couldn’t see or hear anyone else,….even though we were surrounded by people amongst the crowds. It was an amazing week…. I wasn’t prepared when I anniversaried (sp?) that date last December. This year,…I’m prepared. I now look back on that week as being stupid drunk in Limerence. If I was to be with OW as her partner in life,….that week together wasn’t sustainable. You can’t (I can’t) take one week and translate that into “…this is what it’s going to be like being with her for the rest of our lives….” So now,…looking back on that week…I’m not going to focus on the adrenaline and hormone rush…the good stuff. I’m going to focus on the pain I was simultaneously feeling at the same time. Even when my A affair was in it’s deepest state,….even in the moments I was with her. I felt pain. Pain for the guilt of what I was doing. I ignored it,….but I knew it was there. I’m also, this year,…going to remind myself how I’m blessed to be with my W. I wouldn’t trade the most mundane day with my W,….for that week I’m referring to with OW. I’m in a better place. I’m where I belong. Didn’t mean to ramble Soul,…..sorry. My point is,….prepare yourself now for your trigger-dates. Arm yourself with tools to cope with those dates. And when you feel really sad,….missing those feelings,…not him,…but those “FEELINGS”….don’t despair and give up fighting. Understand that He is going to creep into your thoughts that day,…uninvited. But be ready to decipher those feelings and realize this; It’s not HIM you are missing. It’s the FEELING of an unsustainable emotion. It’s chemical. I ask you this. Can you think back on a good day you spent with OM….and not see his face sometimes…? I can. I can sometimes think back on a particular day….a good day/experience ….and not see Her face. NOT SEE HER FACE… This tells me,…it was the “experience” that I’m missing. This comforts me.

Be ready Soul,….think about what weaponry you need to face those trigger-dates. Know what I’m thinking about doing this year? As I said,….I have a lot of trigger-dates coming up this Fall/Winter. I’m going to plan special days to be with my W. And I’m going to hold her hand. I’m going to open doors for her. I’m going to compliment her. I’m going to make her feel as if she’s the only woman on earth. I actually do this every day,…..but these particular days,…I’m going to make sure we are together. She will be my weapon to keep my OW’s thoughts in check.

I can see how this will upset some BSs here. “…I wouldn’t want a husband who spent the day with me only so he can sulk over his xAP…” And I’ll respond with; “….no,…you wouldn’t want a husband like me,…because I am an adulterer,….and I can’t change the past,…but I can learn from the past,….and I change the future,….and my future is loyalty and respect for my W,…and my future chooses me to love my W out-loud,….by acting on it….not just saying it,….but by my actions everyday….” I could choose to crawl into a hole my trigger-dates. But instead,….I’m going to spend it with my W and appreciate the fact that I have this 2nd chance to do so.

 

"...I just want to get OVER it already. I'm DONE with it..."

You will,….. WE will. I’ve said this already,….but I’m SO ANNOYED with it! And that’s new. The feeling of being annoyed. I think it’s a healthy sign.

 

"...Jenkins... if you're out there, hope all is well with you and check in when you can..."

Should we PM him? It’s been two weeks. I keep playing in my mind a scenario that’s happened that’s made him go dark….and I hope I’m wrong. Jenks… Can you just wave or something? Let us know you’re good? If you don’t have anything to say,… “like” one of Souls posts or something….so we know you’re out there.

^^^^….this brings up more questions than anything.

 

Ps; Not going to post it here….but I had a really good breakthrough last-night… And it makes me smile.

 

Peace!!!! Hope you cease this day Soul!!! Own it….dominate it!

[wmacbride]

wmacbride:

I love this.... "...it's just as important ( and maybe even more so) to celebrate the small accomplishments..."

I want you to know,...I really appreciate your advice and insight. Your approach and encouragement to us WSs speaks volume of your character and ability to open your mind and see things from a different POV.

Thank you....

 

I happen to love a ws very much. he is my husband.

 

You are helping me too. Although the affair is long over, it helps me to understand what he was going through.

 

You are also helping other ws. A ws who I know once told me she had almost no one to talk to post A , and at times, she felt like she was having a breakdown. It would have done her so much good to read stories like yours, Jenkins et.al and see she was not alone.

[deadsoul]

@Soul

 

First of all,….. Good morning!!!

 

OK,…this sentence grabbed my attention! (they all do,…but this one in particular..)

"...I catch myself thinking about OM every time I get stressed or frustrated with my H..."

For me, this kinda falls in line with what you said; “…I'm really starting to notice my triggers…”

So we can agree that when your H frustrates you in some way,….your mind goes to OM? Yes?? OK,…me too!!! As you’ve said Soul,…you are learning your triggers. I’ve recently realized that when my W hurts my feelings (unintentionally, she does on occasion) my mind sometimes goes to OW….and my thought is “OW wouldn’t have done that….she would have reacted like xyz…and that’d make me happy…” Do you realize how unfair that is to my W? Super unfair…!! The good news here is this; When that happens,…and I go to “OW wouldn’t have done that”….I see the fallacy in that. I also recognize how I used to hang on to the instances W hurt my feelings, and translated that into “…well,….there’s validation that my marriage is horrible b/c W just reacted in such a way…” I’d blow it up in my mind as a signal that I wasn’t so horrible being in the arms of another “who loves me.” It was one of my sick mind-games I’d play in my head in an attempt to justify my A. I’m thankful I’m in a good place now though,…and I understand where my W is coming from and that I’m just being over sensitive.

 

 

Yes, there's a huge fallacy in that. And I'm really catching my thinking when I do that.

 

Our love languages differ…. I know that,…and when I’ve been unintentionally hurt by her,…I just need to remind myself,….our LLs differ.

 

"...What's hard is all those "a year ago today...." memories that are coming in. These next couple months are going to be a challenge for me..."

November for you…..yes? It was June for me…so naturally I triggered this summer when the calendar day was one-year of her Ghosting. If you are anything like me,…Yes Soul,….those anniversaries are going to be very challenging. I’m glad you mentioned this…. First of all,…I’m pulling for you and I hope these upcoming anniversaries don’t trigger you too much. But I’m glad you mentioned this b/c although I’ve already lapped a year,….I do have some “trigger-dates” coming up this Fall and Winter. I’m glad you mentioned it because I’m going to start preparing myself now and brace myself to be ready. I want you to do the same. Can you ID now,…the upcoming trigger-dates? And go through the process now of WHY it’s a trigger-date? And then, think about where you were in your life on that day? Was your heart in turmoil? Yes,..?? Well,….remember the pain you were feeling,…..on that trigger-day,….and be joyful,…that you are emotionally in a much better place today/this year. I had a VERY strong trigger-date in December. OW and I were in full affair mode…. We were on a trip and lost in our own little world and bubble. Couldn’t see or hear anyone else,….even though we were surrounded by people amongst the crowds. It was an amazing week…. I wasn’t prepared when I anniversaried (sp?) that date last December. This year,…I’m prepared. I now look back on that week as being stupid drunk in Limerence. If I was to be with OW as her partner in life,….that week together wasn’t sustainable. You can’t (I can’t) take one week and translate that into “…this is what it’s going to be like being with her for the rest of our lives….” So now,…looking back on that week…I’m not going to focus on the adrenaline and hormone rush…the good stuff. I’m going to focus on the pain I was simultaneously feeling at the same time. Even when my A affair was in it’s deepest state,….even in the moments I was with her. I felt pain. Pain for the guilt of what I was doing. I ignored it,….but I knew it was there. I’m also, this year,…going to remind myself how I’m blessed to be with my W. I wouldn’t trade the most mundane day with my W,….for that week I’m referring to with OW. I’m in a better place. I’m where I belong. Didn’t mean to ramble Soul,…..sorry. My point is,….prepare yourself now for your trigger-dates. Arm yourself with tools to cope with those dates. And when you feel really sad,….missing those feelings,…not him,…but those “FEELINGS”….don’t despair and give up fighting. Understand that He is going to creep into your thoughts that day,…uninvited. But be ready to decipher those feelings and realize this; It’s not HIM you are missing. It’s the FEELING of an unsustainable emotion. It’s chemical. I ask you this. Can you think back on a good day you spent with OM….and not see his face sometimes…? I can. I can sometimes think back on a particular day….a good day/experience ….and not see Her face. NOT SEE HER FACE… This tells me,…it was the “experience” that I’m missing. This comforts me.

 

Wow. I never thought of it that way, but you're so right. Sometimes I think back on good moments and no, I don't see his face.

 

Be ready Soul,….think about what weaponry you need to face those trigger-dates. Know what I’m thinking about doing this year? As I said,….I have a lot of trigger-dates coming up this Fall/Winter. I’m going to plan special days to be with my W. And I’m going to hold her hand. I’m going to open doors for her. I’m going to compliment her. I’m going to make her feel as if she’s the only woman on earth. I actually do this every day,…..but these particular days,…I’m going to make sure we are together. She will be my weapon to keep my OW’s thoughts in check.

 

That's a good plan.

 

I can see how this will upset some BSs here. “…I wouldn’t want a husband who spent the day with me only so he can sulk over his xAP…” And I’ll respond with; “….no,…you wouldn’t want a husband like me,…because I am an adulterer,….and I can’t change the past,…but I can learn from the past,….and I change the future,….and my future is loyalty and respect for my W,…and my future chooses me to love my W out-loud,….by acting on it….not just saying it,….but by my actions everyday….” I could choose to crawl into a hole my trigger-dates. But instead,….I’m going to spend it with my W and appreciate the fact that I have this 2nd chance to do so.

I think that's a great way to look at it. I admire that a lot.

 

"...I just want to get OVER it already. I'm DONE with it..."

You will,….. WE will. I’ve said this already,….but I’m SO ANNOYED with it! And that’s new. The feeling of being annoyed. I think it’s a healthy sign.

 

"...Jenkins... if you're out there, hope all is well with you and check in when you can..."

Should we PM him? It’s been two weeks. I keep playing in my mind a scenario that’s happened that’s made him go dark….and I hope I’m wrong. Jenks… Can you just wave or something? Let us know you’re good? If you don’t have anything to say,… “like” one of Souls posts or something….so we know you’re out there.

^^^^….this brings up more questions than anything.

 

Ps; Not going to post it here….but I had a really good breakthrough last-night… And it makes me smile.

 

 

Well now you have me curious!!

 

Peace!!!! Hope you cease this day Soul!!! Own it….dominate it!

 

Here's one that hit home for me... someone posted on the board about how you can tell how the guy feels about you 30 seconds after he cums. And I thought about those times.... and realize that there was nothing there for him. He was out of there so fast... So it doesn't make sense to "pine" for someone who didn't consider me at all. I'm starting to think it's easier to believe he didn't care. I don't know. Any thoughts on this? Male perspective?

 

You know, it's not just OM where I have wayward thoughts. Today I messed up at work and my first thought was, "I'm a horrible person, I'm horrible at my job." Seriously? I had to have a stern talking-to to myself.... but I realized how for many years that was my pattern. And it's still hard not to believe that voice in me that says those things... but I'm working on it.

[Back2Good]

Here's one that hit home for me... someone posted on the board about how you can tell how the guy feels about you 30 seconds after he cums. And I thought about those times.... and realize that there was nothing there for him. He was out of there so fast... So it doesn't make sense to "pine" for someone who didn't consider me at all. I'm starting to think it's easier to believe he didn't care. I don't know. Any thoughts on this? Male perspective?

I’m not sure I’m a good source. Not sure I’m like most dudes…..and can’t speak for all men. And it’s not a subject me and the boys talk about while watching college football putting back a few beers. Ha!! But “gone 30 seconds after he cums?” Yeah,…that’s a douche-move. I stay put after climax…for a couple/few reasons. One,…and most importantly,….she might cum again. Two,…I like the physical closeness. Three,…I know it’s an important time for the woman to continue feeling the embrace afterwards. I’ll tell you this though,…..it’s not a good sign if he was “out of there so fast.” And if that’s the case,…..I do not like your OM. But,….maybe there’s another reason. For example; If you were in your home,…maybe he wasn’t comfortable and uneasy about someone coming home….so he wanted out of there.

 

You know, it's not just OM where I have wayward thoughts.

^^^^Same (only “OW”) But I don’t think it’s uncommon. I think you and I are very similar.

 

Today I messed up at work and my first thought was, "I'm a horrible person, I'm horrible at my job."

I wish I could learn more on this so I could compare my own experiences and maybe walk you through how you should handle it next time. (there will be a next time btw…)

 

Seriously? I had to have a stern talking-to to myself.... but I realized how for many years that was my pattern. And it's still hard not to believe that voice in me that says those things... but I'm working on it.

I have a pattern….and I’ve learned what that pattern is. Actually I’ve always been aware of the pattern. What I’ve learned is,….how to alter the pattern and stay in the safe lanes. I’ve learned this pattern can lead me down a dark path. I know the signs,…I see the signals…..I picture myself standing at the end of the road with two options. I can turn left,…with the intent of “…I’ll just put my toe in the water,…just to check the temperature…it’ll be okay…no harm…no foul…” But once you take that first step (left),….you see that it’s initially a fun path,.. It’s a party…. There is music,…lights,….maybe some puppies to pet if that’s your thing,….it’s exciting,…it feds your ego….. But then this path takes a dark turn. There are no more puppies….can’t hear the music anymore. The lights are gone…and the feelings of despair that you can’t identity set in. It’s now dark…and you feel alone….”this isn’t fun anymore.”

OR…..look to your right,…and take that path. This path doesn’t bend back and forth. It’s straight and consistent….. The lights are always on….your favorite songs are playing….and yes,…there are even puppies that don’t go away. And in this “Right” path,…you are holding hands with someone. Your husband. No,…the Right path isn’t necessarily that exciting… That certain “adrenaline rush” isn’t there. But there is happiness on the Right path….and it is consistent and true. The Left path has guarantees too…… Heartbreak….and it’s not just your heart we should be concerned about hurting.

 

Left Path = Limerence. Right Path = Righteousness. Sadly,….I’ve learned that Limerence is like a drug. Even when you’ve identified the empty promises that Limerence will deliver,….you are still likely to be drawn to it. Ex drug addicts miss that “high.” Is this that much different?

[deadsoul]

Left Path = Limerence. Right Path = Righteousness. Sadly,….I’ve learned that Limerence is like a drug. Even when you’ve identified the empty promises that Limerence will deliver,….you are still likely to be drawn to it. Ex drug addicts miss that “high.” Is this that much different?

 

No. No it isn't. I've compared the A with an addict many times. I don't know what it's like to be addicted to drugs or alcohol, but I sure see the similarities. People wonder how you can do the things you do for drugs or alcohol, but I did those same things for another person. I'm not saying that to excuse myself, but the similarities are the same. Plus, I've heard that this limerence is the same rush that an addict gets with drugs. It's the same dopamines or something.

 

As for the leave in 30 seconds... we were often in high-risk places so while that could be it, I don't believe that entirely to be the case. It really doesn't matter anymore. It just makes me realize that I feel and I feel too deeply. He was the opposite. He has to live with his choices and actions, just as I have to live with mine. In his mind, he's probably thinking he's done nothing wrong and that's on him, to be honest. I just have to go back to hoping he finds his happiness and reminding myself of the lessons he taught me.

 

Feels like a damn broken record to be honest.

 

I don't want to post about it too much here, but I'm struggling in R. I don't know where my feelings are at these days and I don't know if this is a normal part of it or if it's a sign. I've long only posted about ME and not my H and I will continue to do that, but I am struggling... ha ha. At least it's not struggling with thoughts of OM, right?

[Back2Good]

I'm so sorry you're struggling. I really am. Maybe you're confusing limerence with it meaning your not ready for R? I don't think so though. You're a smart person....so I don't see that fooling you. I remember you saying very early on your thread that you wouldn't discuss your H. I respect that. It's respectful to him. Have you noticed I don't speak of W that much? I'll talk about her regarding how I'm trying to approach things. But I don't speak of her actions.

I'm very happy you're not struggling with thoughts of OM. That's awesome!!

Give it some time Soul....you'll come around I bet. You're just in a confusing season in your life now. The storm will pass. In due time I suppose.... Wish I could help.

[deadsoul]

I'm so sorry you're struggling. I really am. Maybe you're confusing limerence with it meaning your not ready for R? I don't think so though. You're a smart person....so I don't see that fooling you. I remember you saying very early on your thread that you wouldn't discuss your H. I respect that. It's respectful to him. Have you noticed I don't speak of W that much? I'll talk about her regarding how I'm trying to approach things. But I don't speak of her actions.

I'm very happy you're not struggling with thoughts of OM. That's awesome!!

Give it some time Soul....you'll come around I bet. You're just in a confusing season in your life now. The storm will pass. In due time I suppose.... Wish I could help.

 

You have helped a lot.... Believe me, I've thought about that I'm confusing limerence, but I know I do not want to be with OM.

 

I think that's what I have to do is give it time. While sometimes I wish there was a fast forward button, I know I need to go through this, as slow and painful as it is, in order to learn and grow from it. But I'm impatient!!

 

I took some heat for not talking about H in my thread. It was mentioned a few times that I seemed indifferent to H... but the truth was, I have been very careful about not posting about H. I am very guarded about that information because it feels wrong to talk about him here. He didn't make these bad choices, I did.

[deadsoul]

That's really smart. Each day is precious and will bring you it's own gifts. While it's important to keep the big picture in mind, it's just as important ( and maybe even more so) to celebrate the small accomplishments you make in the R process.

 

I'm can't recall if you mentioned it or not, but some find that keeping a personal and private journal really helpful. Not just because it will help you work through your thoughts and feelings, but because it will give you a way, especially if you are having a tough day, of seeing just how far you've come.

 

Oh yes. I've been writing in a journal for about two years now. Unfortunately, I started it in the midst of the A. But every once in awhile, I make myself read what I was writing back then because I need to remind myself how miserable I was in the A. The only bad thing is I wrote during all the "highs" I had during the A. I've thought about deleting those parts, but I can't because I feel like I need to own all the parts of who I was then. I'm not sure if that's cheater-speak or what, but on the other hand, I can see how distorted my thinking was and how I never want to be there again.

[Back2Good]

That's really smart. Each day is precious and will bring you it's own gifts. While it's important to keep the big picture in mind, it's just as important ( and maybe even more so) to celebrate the small accomplishments you make in the R process.

 

I'm can't recall if you mentioned it or not, but some find that keeping a personal and private journal really helpful. Not just because it will help you work through your thoughts and feelings, but because it will give you a way, especially if you are having a tough day, of seeing just how far you've come.

 

I have to say....I first posted August 11th I think..??? So I've kinda been journaling since then... I go back and read some of my earlier writings....and see how far I've come in just 6-weeks. So it's helpful for me to see where I was....and where I am. I think/know....the biggest piece that got me headed down the right path....was reading everyone else's stories on here...and realizing,....all our our (WSs) stories are virtually the same. I laugh at myself now.....thinking that "...but, but, but,.....my affair was different,....ya'll just don't understand.....cause we were for REAL people....and my story is tragic....!!" Ha! Yeah,....bulls**t.

I still have lots of work to do... Still have bad days. Still hungover... And ever increasingly growing in remorse.....

[Back2Good]

You have helped a lot.... Believe me, I've thought about that I'm confusing limerence, but I know I do not want to be with OM.

 

I think that's what I have to do is give it time. While sometimes I wish there was a fast forward button, I know I need to go through this, as slow and painful as it is, in order to learn and grow from it. But I'm impatient!!

 

I took some heat for not talking about H in my thread. It was mentioned a few times that I seemed indifferent to H... but the truth was, I have been very careful about not posting about H. I am very guarded about that information because it feels wrong to talk about him here. He didn't make these bad choices, I did.

 

I unfortunately find myself sometimes wanting to relive certain moments, days or nights from my A…. But I guess the silver lining is that now,….the desire to relive these moments are surrounded more around the sexual memories/experiences,….rather than the tender moments,….talks, and just simply being near her. I used to miss seemingly just her….and it wasn’t around the sex. Now,….. “she” is slipping away from my thoughts….but the sex isn’t. Maybe part of the process?? Maybe it’s progress??

 

Yeah,..I saw that you took some heat. A lot of it unwarranted and not positive criticism. Some good stuff in there….but there were some Crows taking advantage. I also recall some said you started to change your tone once your H had the password to read your LS posts…. I didn’t see that happening at all…..

 

Your story,…as well as Jenkins…..really resonates with me…. And your current journey,….I’m incredibly relating to that…. And the concerns you have about yourself…..ones we’ve not discussed….but the ones I’m picking up on….. We share those too……

[wmacbride]

You have helped a lot.... Believe me, I've thought about that I'm confusing limerence, but I know I do not want to be with OM.

 

I think that's what I have to do is give it time. While sometimes I wish there was a fast forward button, I know I need to go through this, as slow and painful as it is, in order to learn and grow from it. But I'm impatient!!

 

I took some heat for not talking about H in my thread. It was mentioned a few times that I seemed indifferent to H... but the truth was, I have been very careful about not posting about H. I am very guarded about that information because it feels wrong to talk about him here. He didn't make these bad choices, I did.

 

I sounds like you are struggling, but in a way, that could be a positive sign. It means you are taking the time and care to process through all of this and are asking yourself the tough questions.

 

Sadly, there's probably no easy answers, but at least you are trying.

[wmacbride]

I know there are support groups for bs, but are there also ones for ws?

 

I'm asking, as while online advice and support can be great, sometimes getting it in person from people who know what you are going through can be really helpful.

[wmacbride]

wmacbride:

I love this.... "...it's just as important ( and maybe even more so) to celebrate the small accomplishments..."

I want you to know,...I really appreciate your advice and insight. Your approach and encouragement to us WSs speaks volume of your character and ability to open your mind and see things from a different POV.

Thank you....

 

When it comes to a remorseful ws, one thing I have found is that they are already being really tough on themselves already. What good does adding to that really do?

[deadsoul]

I know there are support groups for bs, but are there also ones for ws?

 

I'm asking, as while online advice and support can be great, sometimes getting it in person from people who know what you are going through can be really helpful.

 

Yeah, a Cheaters Anonymous would be good. I wonder if those things are out there. I'm lucky, I actually have two friends IRL I can talk to about this... one hasn't been through it, but the other has. But even then, that situation is completely different from mine, but it is nice to have people you can talk to about it. My friend who hasn't been through it as a wayward, has been through it as a betrayed and she has never once displaced that anger on me.

[deadsoul]

I unfortunately find myself sometimes wanting to relive certain moments, days or nights from my A…. But I guess the silver lining is that now,….the desire to relive these moments are surrounded more around the sexual memories/experiences,….rather than the tender moments,….talks, and just simply being near her. I used to miss seemingly just her….and it wasn’t around the sex. Now,….. “she” is slipping away from my thoughts….but the sex isn’t. Maybe part of the process?? Maybe it’s progress??

 

I guess so. I don't have very many tender moments/talks... a few... but not many.

 

Yeah,..I saw that you took some heat. A lot of it unwarranted and not positive criticism. Some good stuff in there….but there were some Crows taking advantage. I also recall some said you started to change your tone once your H had the password to read your LS posts…. I didn’t see that happening at all…..

 

Yyeah, that's when I knew I had to close the thread, that it was done. I took a lot of heat when I confronted OM. I think I've said this before: I hate that I hurt H. It was a selfish act, but I'm glad I stood up for myself. Also, by doing that, I officially sealed the door that he won't contact me, so that's a good thing.

 

Your story,…as well as Jenkins…..really resonates with me…. And your current journey,….I’m incredibly relating to that…. And the concerns you have about yourself…..ones we’ve not discussed….but the ones I’m picking up on….. We share those too……

 

Hmm. Well, now you have me curious again. Do you do this on purpose? lol.

 

I'm still struggling. I sort of feel adrift right now and am not sure if this is part of the process or something else. I go see IC soon so I will talk about it then, but for now, I feel.... adrift... and maybe a bit withdrawn. Or maybe even a lot withdrawn. I have a feeling I'm protecting myself, but it's hindering R....

[deadsoul]

Just checking in with you guys and wondering how are things? Things are the same for me. That's not a great thing, but it's not a bad thing either.

[Back2Good]

Just checking in with you guys and wondering how are things? Things are the same for me. That's not a great thing, but it's not a bad thing either.

 

Same.....!!

Have been wondering how YOU are doing Soul.

 

Went to a college football game today. Guess what I thought about...???

[deadsoul]

Uh... football?? ;-)

 

Listening to the Big Little Lies soundtrack. I'm really liking it. Little different from my normal music, but I really like the song Bloody Mother ****ing ******* a lot.

 

Did you get rid of the last of your stuff yet? No pressure, just wondering where you're at.

 

When the thoughts pop in my head, I've recently started asking myself, "What is it you are trying to avoid right now?" Because I'm realizing that escaping into those memories is me avoiding...And it's not me missing HIM anymore. It's me missing the feeling. So there's that. Is that progress?

 

Who knows. It's constantly a step forward, step back thing... but I know I'm inching forward slowly... so I hold on to that.

[Back2Good]

Uh... football?? ;-)

 

Listening to the Big Little Lies soundtrack. I'm really liking it. Little different from my normal music, but I really like the song Bloody Mother ****ing ******* a lot.

 

Did you get rid of the last of your stuff yet? No pressure, just wondering where you're at.

 

When the thoughts pop in my head, I've recently started asking myself, "What is it you are trying to avoid right now?" Because I'm realizing that escaping into those memories is me avoiding...And it's not me missing HIM anymore. It's me missing the feeling. So there's that. Is that progress?

 

Who knows. It's constantly a step forward, step back thing... but I know I'm inching forward slowly... so I hold on to that.

 

I watched BLL!!....and can’t believe it’s only one season? (The single mom character is hot in a strange way!!) Now that GOT season is over…what to watch?

Okay…so I went and sampled some of the songs from BLL…. Very eclectic stuff…. The song you like… BMFAH…. That’s the high energy song she would always run to…yes? Kinda an angry song?

There was a cover of “Can’t Always Get What You Want” that was nicely done. Slowed down version…chick covering it. I remember liking it. So I just googled the lyrics to BMFAH. That’s some deep stuff going on there…. Are you relating Soul??...to that song??

 

Back to topic:

No. Sadly I haven’t gotten rid of the final stuff yet. (And I want you to pressure me on that btw…) I have saved Texts…..pics….lots of pics….. There’s a poem too. Copies of letters that I’ve written her… All of this is digital “stuff…” I’ve gotten rid of pretty much anything tangible she gave me. There is a box still in my office that held a gift she bought me for one of my birthdays. That needs to go. I have clothing too…. Just some shirts and stuff she bought me. Recon I should toss all that too… Although the shirts don’t trigger me…..much.

Speaking of Triggers… What are your strongest triggers Soul? Of him….that one that doesn’t deserve the time you spend remembering lingering thoughts. Me…. Songs. LOTS of songs…. But I’m working around that now. I listen to music constantly… It’s always on, whether in my house, my car….office. And we had a lot of songs that we “gave each other..” So those are triggers…but again,….working around that issue. Then I have the “anniversary of this happening” events. Those suck. I have a more annoying trigger though…. It’s my W. Yup…..my W. I can fix it,….so it won’t be a trigger….but it’s annoying AF. I just hate being weak… Not who I am. I can usually mentally power over stuff… “Get over it” was never an issue for me. Relationships I’ve had growing up…..even if I was “in love”….I was always able to just say; “…it’s done….move on….get over it…” I still remember them....and fondly....but so over it. Something disappointing happens in life….I was always able to size it up. “Can you fix this self…??....no…??....can you change anything about it….??....no..??....then move on….it is what it is….move on….” (but I really don’t talk to myself in the 3rd person..) I’ve moved on from xAP a lot…but I haven’t completely… and that frustrats me tremendously b/c I’m not in control of it. It’s not who I am. (ha….ironic….since I’m the selfish dumba** that strayed….cause I didn’t think I was that guy either….but I am…)

 

Yes!!! It’s COOSALL progress that it’s the “feelings” and not “him” you miss. I’m there with ya. So yes…we have progress….on that front. But those FEELINGS tho…..???!!!!!???!!! We need to slay that beast…!! And for me…..I AM that beast….

 

Keep inching forward Soul….. I’m behind you pushing you forward!!

[deadsoul]

I watched BLL!!....and can’t believe it’s only one season? (The single mom character is hot in a strange way!!) Now that GOT season is over…what to watch?

Okay…so I went and sampled some of the songs from BLL…. Very eclectic stuff…. The song you like… BMFAH…. That’s the high energy song she would always run to…yes? Kinda an angry song?

There was a cover of “Can’t Always Get What You Want” that was nicely done. Slowed down version…chick covering it. I remember liking it. So I just googled the lyrics to BMFAH. That’s some deep stuff going on there…. Are you relating Soul??...to that song??

 

Yes. It lets me be angry instead of hurt.

 

Back to topic:

No. Sadly I haven’t gotten rid of the final stuff yet. (And I want you to pressure me on that btw…) I have saved Texts…..pics….lots of pics….. There’s a poem too. Copies of letters that I’ve written her… All of this is digital “stuff…” I’ve gotten rid of pretty much anything tangible she gave me. There is a box still in my office that held a gift she bought me for one of my birthdays. That needs to go. I have clothing too…. Just some shirts and stuff she bought me. Recon I should toss all that too… Although the shirts don’t trigger me…..much.

Speaking of Triggers… What are your strongest triggers Soul? Of him….that one that doesn’t deserve the time you spend remembering lingering thoughts. Me…. Songs. LOTS of songs…. But I’m working around that now. I listen to music constantly… It’s always on, whether in my house, my car….office. And we had a lot of songs that we “gave each other..” So those are triggers…but again,….working around that issue. Then I have the “anniversary of this happening” events. Those suck. I have a more annoying trigger though…. It’s my W. Yup…..my W. I can fix it,….so it won’t be a trigger….but it’s annoying AF. I just hate being weak… Not who I am. I can usually mentally power over stuff… “Get over it” was never an issue for me. Relationships I’ve had growing up…..even if I was “in love”….I was always able to just say; “…it’s done….move on….get over it…” I still remember them....and fondly....but so over it. Something disappointing happens in life….I was always able to size it up. “Can you fix this self…??....no…??....can you change anything about it….??....no..??....then move on….it is what it is….move on….” (but I really don’t talk to myself in the 3rd person..) I’ve moved on from xAP a lot…but I haven’t completely… and that frustrats me tremendously b/c I’m not in control of it. It’s not who I am. (ha….ironic….since I’m the selfish dumba** that strayed….cause I didn’t think I was that guy either….but I am…)

 

I don’t have all that stuff, just messages and some pictures. Songs don’t trigger me as much as “this time last year” dates. About to pass some big ones and I’m gearing up.

 

Yes!!! It’s COOSALL progress that it’s the “feelings” and not “him” you miss. I’m there with ya. So yes…we have progress….on that front. But those FEELINGS tho…..???!!!!!???!!! We need to slay that beast…!! And for me…..I AM that beast….

 

Keep inching forward Soul….. I’m behind you pushing you forward!!

 

Yeah. The feelings. Damn those things because it’s total limerence. I’ll write more later. I’m not at a computer so can’t write my normal novels.

 

Yes. You keep inching forward too. I need to ask you more about the W trigger and what exactly that is but I need to reread it when I’m at a computer. I’m blaming the phone.

[Back2Good]

Yeah. The feelings. Damn those things because it’s total limerence. I’ll write more later. I’m not at a computer so can’t write my normal novels.

 

Yes. You keep inching forward too. I need to ask you more about the W trigger and what exactly that is but I need to reread it when I’m at a computer. I’m blaming the phone.

 

I actually thought it a bit peculiar and was surprised that you responded during mid-day hours during the week. But okie-dokie....I shall blame your phone too!!

 

Look it.....

Here’s some interesting tidbits I came across on Limerence:

 

“….In subject after subject, one part of the brain consistently lit up: the area that's rich in dopamine, the chemical that signals a reward and causes euphoria. It's the same area that's activated when you're on certain drugs, when you eat tasty food, or when you down a glass of water after a jog...”

 

"Getting dumped is like withdrawing from any drug of abuse……And what we know about trying to quit drugs is that you don't even want to see the drug…yet you crave it…." Sound familiar Soul??

 

“…Facebook, for this reason, can be a minefield. When a photo of your ex pops up on your News Feed, the reward loop has been activated…” Why I cut her from my “friends” group….

 

And here’s the BEST explanation for why limerence had such a powerful effect on our thoughts.

“…Each reminder of the thing you desire activates the brain's reward loop…” That damn dopamine!

So....each "reminder" triggers the chemicals within.....

Reminder=Trigger.

 

I’m a junky….and didn’t even know it!!

[deadsoul]

"It’s my W. Yup…..my W. I can fix it,….so it won’t be a trigger….but it’s annoying AF. I just hate being weak"

 

Talk to me more about this. And you aren't weak. You really aren't. I know it feels like it, I feel the same. But you and I are stronger than we think. We are "weak" in the sense that we are avoiders and we avoid conflict and it's hard when we've done something for many, many years one way and we are trying to retrain our brains. So even though I feel weak at times, I know I'm not so neither are you.

 

I actually thought it a bit peculiar and was surprised that you responded during mid-day hours during the week. But okie-dokie....I shall blame your phone too!!

 

Haha. Yeah, I don't generally get on during the day.

Look it.....

Here’s some interesting tidbits I came across on Limerence:

 

“….In subject after subject, one part of the brain consistently lit up: the area that's rich in dopamine, the chemical that signals a reward and causes euphoria. It's the same area that's activated when you're on certain drugs, when you eat tasty food, or when you down a glass of water after a jog...”

 

"Getting dumped is like withdrawing from any drug of abuse……And what we know about trying to quit drugs is that you don't even want to see the drug…yet you crave it…." Sound familiar Soul??

 

“…Facebook, for this reason, can be a minefield. When a photo of your ex pops up on your News Feed, the reward loop has been activated…” Why I cut her from my “friends” group….

 

And here’s the BEST explanation for why limerence had such a powerful effect on our thoughts.

“…Each reminder of the thing you desire activates the brain's reward loop…” That damn dopamine!

So....each "reminder" triggers the chemicals within.....

Reminder=Trigger.

 

I’m a junky….and didn’t even know it!!

 

I've compared my affair to what a drug addict experiences many, many times and I've also read the same article about the dopamine. And it completely makes sense. It's hard to think of our APs as heroin, but that's what they are. I've never done heroin (or anything more than weed for that matter and I didn't like it), but I imagine they tell themselves the same things we did: it's okay if we do this because we feel good. It's okay that we do this because no one knows, but us. I wrote this stuff!

 

AP told me once that what we were doing was okay because it made me happy and made me happier in my relationship.

 

Haha... the things one will say to get in your pants, and I bought it hook, line and sinker.

 

And when we get that "hit," it feels sooooo damn good. And we are sated for awhile. And we think we won't need it again. And then the guilt hits of what we are doing and we start feeling horrible, but pretty soon the need for the fix outweighs the guilt and feeling horrible. So we do it again.

 

My journal outlines the whole roller coaster ride through many cycles... and it is amazing when I read it now how much of it was a cycle and how I thought I was happy, but I really wasn't. There is nothing special about this guy, other than an extreme attraction that I didn't know what to do with.

 

He did not care one bit except getting his own needs met and stupid me got feelings. So that's on me.

 

Something else I'm realizing: I have an addictive personality and I obsess. So putting that together, it's no wonder why it's taking me so long to get over this crap.

 

You and I... I guess we just have to be patient with ourselves. I'm frustrated a lot, but I've noticed I can go such long periods through out the day without thinking about it, where before, it was CONSTANT, like that hum you mentioned. Except it was disruptive. Now it's fading and when I pay attention to it, it comes forward...

 

Another trigger for me: places. That one is hard. I need to associate different memories with those places. Or move to Egypt or something....

 

Sorry this is all over the place, my mind is very scattered this week.