Ghosted Over A Year Ago...And It Still Hurts

[Back2Good]

No....not all over the place at all.

I'll be back with more.....

 

Why is this a scattered week tho?

[Back2Good]

I've compared my affair to what a drug addict experiences many, many times and I've also read the same article about the dopamine. And it completely makes sense. It's hard to think of our APs as heroin, but that's what they are. I've never done heroin (or anything more than weed for that matter and I didn't like it), but I imagine they tell themselves the same things we did: it's okay if we do this because we feel good. It's okay that we do this because no one knows, but us. I wrote this stuff!

And as an addict/alcoholic/addictive personality…..we have to be careful not to replace heroine with cocaine….

 

AP told me once that what we were doing was okay because it made me happy and made me happier in my relationship. Haha... the things one will say to get in your pants.

I said a bunch of crap like that too!! But for me, it wasn’t so much to get into her pants. It was more of ME trying to justify my actions (our actions) and clear my mind of any guilt she and/or I might be having. I was all BS….and I knew it even when I was spewing it. I guess I was hoping that if I said it enough….I’d actually start believing it. I think I did fool myself sometimes….but likely only during the times I actually was in her pants….

 

And when we get that "hit," it feels sooooo damn good. And we are sated for awhile. And we think we won't need it again. And then the guilt hits of what we are doing and we start feeling horrible, but pretty soon the need for the fix outweighs the guilt and feeling horrible. So we do it again.

Yes,….EXCATLY. And we do it again….and again……and again…….

 

My journal outlines the whole roller coaster ride through many cycles... and it is amazing when I read it now how much of it was a cycle and how I thought I was happy, but I really wasn't. There is nothing special about this guy, other than an extreme attraction that I didn't know what to do with.

I’d like to read your journal…. Why? Cause I’m nosey like that….to be honest. But also b/c it’d be interesting to see the similarities. I do remember though,…during the middle of the storm (affair) I thought I was happy….but now that the clouds have lifted and it’s quiet again….looking back,….it was the most miserable I’ve ever been. I felt so conflicted…it was torturous. I wasn’t happy at all.

 

He did not care one bit except getting his own needs met and stupid me got feelings. So that's on me.

So this “limerence” thing….. Reading up about it….it isn’t something that everyone experiences. So it makes me wonder and realize….she’s prolly not experiencing ANYTHING like I am. Maybe she goes days, weeks without me crossing her mind? TBH…I hope that’s true. I do hope she’s put our past out of her mind and heart. And I hope she wished the same for me.

 

 

Something else I'm realizing: I have an addictive personality and I obsess. So putting that together, it's no wonder why it's taking me so long to get over this crap.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before,….I too have an addictive personality. But I’ve known about it most of my life…. I could write a novel about this!!

 

Another trigger for me: places. That one is hard. I need to associate different memories with those places. Or move to Egypt or something....

Oh GOD…places!!! I am SOOO lucky I am able to avoid the “places” cause they would be powerful triggers… Starbucks is a trigger for me…a minor one….but I can’t go to a SB without recalling 100s of memories of her and I at a SB. The other places,….I can avoid. Most of them at least….

Do you think you’d like the weather in Egypt? I looked it up… You know they get less than an inch of rain a year? If you like rainstorms… Egypt might not be your place. The average highs range from 63 in the winter…to 93 in the summer. There is that Sphinx thing though… That’d be cool to see. I wonder if they have Starbucks in Egypt?

 

It's hard when we've done something for many, many years one way and we are trying to retrain our brains.

First question is: Do I even want to???????? The obvious answer is “yes”….but……

 

Sorry this is all over the place, my mind is very scattered this week.

 

You’re not all over the place at all…in fact it was beautiful. It’s nice to get a peek of what’s going on in your head… I don’t mean this in a mean/bad way…. But you are a bit guarded with some information. 1000% transparent in some regards….but also closed off in other ways. I am too though… Even for an anonymous MB….there are limits to things I’m comfortable broadcasting…

 

(any word from Jenkins?)

[deadsoul]

You’re not all over the place at all…in fact it was beautiful. It’s nice to get a peek of what’s going on in your head… I don’t mean this in a mean/bad way…. But you are a bit guarded with some information. 1000% transparent in some regards….but also closed off in other ways. I am too though… Even for an anonymous MB….there are limits to things I’m comfortable broadcasting…

 

(any word from Jenkins?)

 

Oh you're good. Yes, you just described me to a tee. I am very transparent about some things... and the ugly parts that I don't want to deal with yet are very much closed off. Also, and I think I've said this before, you only know my side of this story. There's much more to it that I don't talk about because that involves talking about H and I won't do that. I am here because I had an A because I could not communicate my needs and assert myself. It's easy to say... well my H did this... so I did what I did. NO. Just no. My H has done some things, but I chose a really, really, really bad way to handle it all.

 

I will say this... I don't feel like I'm all-in for R. I want to be. I want to want it more than anything. But I'm not all-in and I think that's a pretty major thing. I'll have to read some old threads and I wish Jenkins would chime in here, but I'm very much in a limbo state and I'm confused about what I want. I'm even considering that maybe I really did have the A because I wanted out of my marriage. It's hard to write that, but I'm really scared that there's some truth to that and I'm not sure what to do with that. H kinda knows where I'm at, I've told him, but I also told him I'm not ready to give up on us and I want to keep trying. I don't think he fully gets my confusion... but that opens a whole other can that I just won't discuss here.

 

I just want to want to keep trying and some days, I just don't anymore and then the self-loathing starts again.... Not sure what to do with all this. Any advice? I KNOW I don't want OM and I don't want anyone else. If things don't work out with H, I want to be on my own until I'm in a way, way better place than I am now. I just don't know if this is a part of the "process" or if it's a sign. I want to learn how to live in the now and appreciate all the wonderful things in my life and stop focusing on what I don't have or what's missing.

 

Maybe my user name should be "Dazed and Confused"

 

Haha... my life is scattered every week. This is nothing new.

[deadsoul]

"I’d like to read your journal…. Why? Cause I’m nosey like that….to be honest. But also b/c it’d be interesting to see the similarities. I do remember though,…during the middle of the storm (affair) I thought I was happy….but now that the clouds have lifted and it’s quiet again….looking back,….it was the most miserable I’ve ever been. I felt so conflicted…it was torturous. I wasn’t happy at all."

 

Ha! I'm nosy too. Big time. Yes, I thought I was happy too and I was for a few fleeting seconds... but then the guilt would set in.... and then the need would kick in... and OM would let me down in some way, but when his need kicked in, all of the sudden, I could get that feeling again.

 

I don't read my journals very often, but lately I've been doing it more because I'm entering some heavy trigger "anniversaries" and I need to remind myself that I was not happy AT ALL during that time and to get back in the real world.

 

Starbucks in Egypt... probably, those damn things are everywhere.

[Back2Good]

Oh you're good. Yes, you just described me to a tee. I am very transparent about some things... and the ugly parts that I don't want to deal with yet are very much closed off. Also, and I think I've said this before, you only know my side of this story. There's much more to it that I don't talk about because that involves talking about H and I won't do that. I am here because I had an A because I could not communicate my needs and assert myself. It's easy to say... well my H did this... so I did what I did. NO. Just no. My H has done some things, but I chose a really, really, really bad way to handle it all.

Hmmmm…… Have me curious. As much as I’d like to know (nosey again) the “other side” of your background….I respect your desire to just deal with your own enemies… But if there is more to it,…I wouldn’t take it that you were attempting to justify your actions. You’ve owned up to your mistake…in a big major way. I admire you for that. My xAP’s H did some things as well,….things that I honestly believe that if he DIDN’T do,…then his W wouldn’t have sought out things and would not have engaged with me. Not saying she’s excused from her 3 year affair….but I do believe her H’s behavior was a factor. My wife has done some “things” too…. But nothing like my xAP’s H did to her….and most certainly nothing worthy of the poor choice I made.

 

I will say this... I don't feel like I'm all-in for R. I want to be. I want to want it more than anything. But I'm not all-in and I think that's a pretty major thing. I'll have to read some old threads and I wish Jenkins would chime in here, but I'm very much in a limbo state and I'm confused about what I want. I'm even considering that maybe I really did have the A because I wanted out of my marriage. It's hard to write that, but I'm really scared that there's some truth to that and I'm not sure what to do with that. H kinda knows where I'm at, I've told him, but I also told him I'm not ready to give up on us and I want to keep trying. I don't think he fully gets my confusion... but that opens a whole other can that I just won't discuss here.

This breaks my heart…but I was suspicious of this. Mostly b/c I once asked you if you had to do it all over again….would you marry H. Your answer was telling. What does your IC have to say about this? Soul,…is it perhaps because you haven’t forgiven yourself yet? You know,….you have to forgive yourself…before you can repair 100% of the damage and bridge those gaps. I know it’s been a year (in Nov)….but it’s ONLY been a year. You’ve beaten yourself up pretty badly….and I’m just wondering if you are still “unforgiven” in your own eyes… And if so,….you can’t make assumptions/conclusions/decisions….until your mind is 100% clear and free.

 

 

I just want to want to keep trying and some days, I just don't anymore and then the self-loathing starts again.... Not sure what to do with all this. Any advice? I KNOW I don't want OM and I don't want anyone else. If things don't work out with H, I want to be on my own until I'm in a way, way better place than I am now. I just don't know if this is a part of the "process" or if it's a sign. I want to learn how to live in the now and appreciate all the wonderful things in my life and stop focusing on what I don't have or what's missing.

Just don’t make any decisions and misinterpret anything as a false-sign. Hang in there….stay with IC and listen to your heart….Just like Roxette did!! (see what I did there?) I wonder if you might just be depressed from al l of this. I don’t mean clinically depressed….but just so exhausted and mentally down. I feel it weighs on your mind constantly…. Question: If you go back to before you’re A… And think about where you and H were…. Are you in a good place? Would you be happier alone? Just ask H to be patient…and remind him….you’re worth fighting for.

 

Maybe my user name should be "Dazed and Confused"

I think it should be WildSoul….

 

Haha... my life is scattered every week. This is nothing new.

 

Hang in there Soul… You are making great progress….and mostly because of your honesty about yourself. I wish I could be more like that. Look it…. It’s only been a year….11 months actually. I think once you break out of this limerance bull***t…..you’ll be wiser, stronger, prouder and an amazing wife. And you’ll be happy.

[Back2Good]

"I’d like to read your journal…. Why? Cause I’m nosey like that….to be honest. But also b/c it’d be interesting to see the similarities. I do remember though,…during the middle of the storm (affair) I thought I was happy….but now that the clouds have lifted and it’s quiet again….looking back,….it was the most miserable I’ve ever been. I felt so conflicted…it was torturous. I wasn’t happy at all."

 

Ha! I'm nosy too. Big time. Yes, I thought I was happy too and I was for a few fleeting seconds... but then the guilt would set in.... and then the need would kick in... and OM would let me down in some way, but when his need kicked in, all of the sudden, I could get that feeling again.

 

I don't read my journals very often, but lately I've been doing it more because I'm entering some heavy trigger "anniversaries" and I need to remind myself that I was not happy AT ALL during that time and to get back in the real world.

 

Starbucks in Egypt... probably, those damn things are everywhere.

 

I didn’t feel guilty b/c I was in an A. I was such a stupid selfish fk….that I convinced myself it wasn’t my fault…. But how can I teach my kids to be accountable for their actions and decisions….when I was deflecting my own accountability? No,…I didn’t feel guilty about the A…. But I DID feel great guilt that I was still married while engaged in the A….and I didn’t like the fact I was a “cheater”…. But then again,….it wasn’t my fault….right,…??....right??,…..yes…??....yes..?? NO! That’s a BIG “NO!.” It was my own “cheaters-speak.” My W didn’t deserve what I did. My consequences for my actions may never end… And that’s ok. I deserve it. I love animals,….and I’d never ever hurt an animal….but damn if I just don’t feel like I kicked a defenseless puppy in the head. Only worse,….cause,…well,…you know,…my W isn’t a puppy.

 

I’m dying to know your “trigger anniversaries” are about and I’d LOVE to say it’s because I want to give you some unsolicited words-of-wisom… But I’d be fibbing. (nosey again!!) HOWEVER,…can you share the trigger dates,…without detail? And that way,…I’ll be able to send mental vibes of encouragement. I have 4-5 big "laps" approaching before the end of the year. So I understand.... :/

 

I hope that reading your journals is a good thing. I like how you say they remind you of how UNhappy you really were back in that time.. But I hope that they also don’t help you to reminisce about the exciting stuff. And it IS just that isn’t it….??? “Stuff.” It’s just stuff….and not real world. I hang on to the fact that the limerence world I was living in with AP,….wasn’t real world….and it was not sustainable. But boy,…I sure do remember thinking whilst fully engaged in the A,….thinking to myself….”….this is how it’ll be for the rest of our lives!!!” #NaiveMuch?

 

There are 18 Starbucks in Ciaro Egypt. I’m good to go… Oh wait,…it’s a trigger….never mind.

[deadsoul]

Hang in there Soul… You are making great progress….and mostly because of your honesty about yourself. I wish I could be more like that. Look it…. It’s only been a year….11 months actually. I think once you break out of this limerance bull***t…..you’ll be wiser, stronger, prouder and an amazing wife. And you’ll be happy.

 

thanks. I need to say more, but I've had a long day and am drained. I need to think about your post a little bit, but I will come back and reply, I promise

[jenkins95]

Hi B2G and deadsoul (and other regulars to this thread)!

 

Well, I just took a whole month away from LS - a record I think. I didn't plan it. I was busy with work ( I do voiceovers for commercials ) and hadn't had a chance to log on for a few days...so I just went with it for a few more days...and weeks! It's nice to know that, wonderful though LS is, I can live without it. That wasn't always the case!

 

I see there have been lots of posts to the thread which I plan to catch up with over the weekend and then add some more contributions.

 

I really hope you are all well and that you are continuing in the right direction with your recovery.

 

Have a good weekend guys!

[Doublegold]

Glad you are OK Jenkins!

[deadsoul]

Hi B2G and deadsoul (and other regulars to this thread)!

 

Well, I just took a whole month away from LS - a record I think. I didn't plan it. I was busy with work ( I do voiceovers for commercials ) and hadn't had a chance to log on for a few days...so I just went with it for a few more days...and weeks! It's nice to know that, wonderful though LS is, I can live without it. That wasn't always the case!

 

I see there have been lots of posts to the thread which I plan to catch up with over the weekend and then add some more contributions.

 

I really hope you are all well and that you are continuing in the right direction with your recovery.

 

Have a good weekend guys!

 

You were very missed... but it was nice you were able to get away. I'm finding myself starting to separate from it too. But not for that long... Voiceovers? Wow! That sounds awesome. I'll bet you're really good at it too

[deadsoul]

Hang in there Soul… You are making great progress….and mostly because of your honesty about yourself. I wish I could be more like that. Look it…. It’s only been a year….11 months actually. I think once you break out of this limerance bull***t…..you’ll be wiser, stronger, prouder and an amazing wife. And you’ll be happy.

 

This breaks my heart…but I was suspicious of this. Mostly b/c I once asked you if you had to do it all over again….would you marry H. Your answer was telling. What does your IC have to say about this? Soul,…is it perhaps because you haven’t forgiven yourself yet? You know,….you have to forgive yourself…before you can repair 100% of the damage and bridge those gaps. I know it’s been a year (in Nov)….but it’s ONLY been a year. You’ve beaten yourself up pretty badly….and I’m just wondering if you are still “unforgiven” in your own eyes… And if so,….you can’t make assumptions/conclusions/decisions….until your mind is 100% clear and free.

 

 

I had to think a lot about this. And I'm an avoider, so I wanted to run away and avoid it. But I didn't. Yes. I haven't forgiven myself. That's hard to admit because I've been working so hard on liking myself and I feel like I'm getting there, but I'm a stubborn thing and haven't quite forgiven myself. It still goes in a loop in my head: how can H forgive me when I wouldn't be able to if the tables were turned?

 

Just don’t make any decisions and misinterpret anything as a false-sign. Hang in there….stay with IC and listen to your heart….Just like Roxette did!! (see what I did there?) I wonder if you might just be depressed from al l of this. I don’t mean clinically depressed….but just so exhausted and mentally down. I feel it weighs on your mind constantly…. Question: If you go back to before you’re A… And think about where you and H were…. Are you in a good place? Would you be happier alone? Just ask H to be patient…and remind him….you’re worth fighting for.

 

I have been dealing with depression for many years. It doesn't help I'm entering the pre-menopause stage (Dudes! You GUYS have it lucky. Seriously) and I've been monitoring my moods through my journal for awhile and it's very cyclical with my cycle. So I'm learning to ride out the "down times" because I know they pass. I'm in it right now and I know I just have to let myself cruise until I get through it. I used to think I'd always be stuck here, but now I know better.

 

I don't know if I'd be happier alone. Like I said, I'm not ready to quit yet.

Maybe my user name should be "Dazed and Confused"

I think it should be WildSoul….

 

I like it. I like it a lot... I remember some song when I was growing up, "She ran calling, Wiiiilllddddfiiireeeee..." and that's the only line I remember, lol.

[Doublegold]

I like it. I like it a lot... I remember some song when I was growing up, "She ran calling, Wiiiilllddddfiiireeeee..." and that's the only line I remember, lol.

 

I remember that also. Wildfire by Michael Martin Murphy.

[Back2Good]

I’m glad you’re not ready to quit Soul…. Your H is hanging in there for you…so that would imply he’s fighting to hold things together…thus fight for you. Again…it’s just been a year. You need some more time. I understand about how you struggle to forgive yourself. Hope you find a way to though. But I understand. I struggle with it too…. Especially since I’ve not had a D-day… Ughhhh…..

I used to think that if my wife cheated on me,….(and I’ve told her this)….that I would forgive her the FIRST time she did it. Reason is b/c if she cheated on me,….i would think that I owned part of it b/c there was something I was giving her that made her stray…. Therefore,….I would own a part of it too… So I would work to fix whatever it was I wasn’t giving her. But if she cheated again,….I would be done b/c I’d never be what she wanted. So “bye-bye.” Today,..I don’t know that I would forgive her. Because she gave me all that I could ask her for,….yet I fkd up anyway and was very selfish. It’s nothing she wasn’t giving me. I just wanted more….and that’s on me. I’m going down a rabbit hole here….so I’m just gunna leave this here…

 

DoubleGold wins the prize! Wildfire by MMM. I remember when that song would come on the radio….and it’d open with that little flute lick. (that sound dirty…ha!!) The album version of this song has a great piano opening to it….that builds to the familiar flute-lick. It was too long for the radio version,…so many peeps don’t even know about it. From the interwebie: “…The lyrics are the ruminations of a homesteader who has become much disillusioned with farming and obsessed with the ghost of a young Nebraska woman said to have died searching for her escaped pony, "Wildfire", during a blizzard…”

 

Jenks! You surfaced…. Glad all is well and understand the break. For you and Soul: Look-it… I know I’m just some tool behind a keyboard…..but can we agree that sabbaticals are cool…and can be expected….but if it’s a permanent disappearance…we agree to say “bye Felicia” first? #Don’tGhostMeBro

Edited October 15, 2017 by Back2Good
edit

[jenkins95]

You were very missed... but it was nice you were able to get away. I'm finding myself starting to separate from it too. But not for that long... Voiceovers? Wow! That sounds awesome. I'll bet you're really good at it too

 

Thanks so much deadsoul. It was indded wonderful to feel that I am not completely dependent on my LS comfort blanket anymore. But I must admit, I did miss it, and especially my favourite posters like you! Great to "see" you again!

 

And sorry, the "voiceovers" thing was just a (not very good) joke on my part relating to something that was said in this thread about 10 pages ago, where B2G suggested that I might be the English guy that provides voiceovers for a certain commercial! But that was so long go and so many posts ago that it's pretty much forgotten now, so my little joke fell a bit flat!

 

I really hope that you are okay deadsoul - I am looking forward to catching up with your recent posts, as they are always so full of wisdom and always give me a lift! From what I have seen from my brief browsing so far, you are as determined as ever and have taken a few more steps on the path in the right direction! Proud of you!

[jenkins95]

Jenks! You surfaced…. Glad all is well and understand the break. For you and Soul: Look-it… I know I’m just some tool behind a keyboard…..but can we agree that sabbaticals are cool…and can be expected….but if it’s a permanent disappearance…we agree to say “bye Felicia” first? #Don’tGhostMeBro

 

Hey B2G! Absolutely agree with you about saying goodbye if we decide to quit completely! I missed you guys, but it's nice to know that I can live without LS!

 

You have posted a LOT since I was last here, and actually I didn't get to catch up on the thread this weekend...my kids had other ideas for me But it's looking like a quiet week in work this week, so you can guess what I'll be doing with my spare time! Just from scanning the most recent posts, I can see that you are still determined B2G and posting lots of wise, supportive stuff, just as I'd expect!

 

Much more to come later on guys!

[jenkins95]

I'm an avoider

 

I have been dealing with depression for many years.

 

Wow, DS, it's amazing how similar we are. I am such a conflict avoider it's unreal. I mean, I would try to avoid conflict in a boxing match, for goodness sake! And depression...yes, I'm with you on that one sadly. In my case, it was the avoidance that led to the depression (I posted a bit about this in my very first thread). The silly thing that I see now is that the issues that I once thought insurmountable (mainly culture and life-goal differences between me and my wife), were, in reality, just problems for which solutions and compromises can be found. Since I have been FORCED to talk about all this since the A, these previously mountainous problems have been reduced to minor hurdles which we can work on together. It was the avoidance of them which made them problems - simple as that! I was quiet - for years, and suffered my depression in silence while quietly brooding and resenting. Why do I find it so hard to talk openly and face conflict head on? I wish I wasn't wired that way. A great irony of this is that, as a people pleaser, I thought that being a martyr and avoiding uncomfortable issues was being kind to her....and then, largely due to my conflict avoidant nature and poor problem solving skills, I go and have an A!

 

It doesn't help I'm entering the pre-menopause stage (Dudes! You GUYS have it lucky. Seriously)

 

OK, you got me there deadsoul. There is something we DON'T have in common! But I'm with you 100% - periods, childbirth, menopause. Yep, you guys definitely drew the short straw there!

 

I've been monitoring my moods through my journal for awhile and it's very cyclical with my cycle.

 

But here I'm with you again! Even though as a man, I obviously don't have a "cycle" in the same way as you, I definitely find that my moods and my recovery patterns are cyclical in nature. When I was about a year out of D-day, I would say that typically, I would have two good weeks followed by two bad weeks, two good weeks and so on. Thankfully now, there are more good days than bad days, but I still experience cyclical patterns, as I did in the very early days when there were more bad days than good days.

 

I don't know if I'd be happier alone. Like I said, I'm not ready to quit yet./QUOTE]

 

I've wondered this sometimes. But I've got a lot to lose in quitting - my wife and kids are amazing. I nearly destroyed it all once and I need to protect against that ever happening again. And as for you DS, you don't come across as a quitter to me! You are trying everything you can and you know there is a possibility that things won't work out. But you are doing everything in your power to ensure that the chances of that happening are as low as possible. I admire you DS. You inspire me.

[deadsoul]

I’m glad you’re not ready to quit Soul…. Your H is hanging in there for you…so that would imply he’s fighting to hold things together…thus fight for you. Again…it’s just been a year. You need some more time. I understand about how you struggle to forgive yourself. Hope you find a way to though. But I understand. I struggle with it too…. Especially since I’ve not had a D-day… Ughhhh…..

I used to think that if my wife cheated on me,….(and I’ve told her this)….that I would forgive her the FIRST time she did it. Reason is b/c if she cheated on me,….i would think that I owned part of it b/c there was something I was giving her that made her stray…. Therefore,….I would own a part of it too… So I would work to fix whatever it was I wasn’t giving her. But if she cheated again,….I would be done b/c I’d never be what she wanted. So “bye-bye.” Today,..I don’t know that I would forgive her. Because she gave me all that I could ask her for,….yet I fkd up anyway and was very selfish. It’s nothing she wasn’t giving me. I just wanted more….and that’s on me. I’m going down a rabbit hole here….so I’m just gunna leave this here…

 

DoubleGold wins the prize! Wildfire by MMM. I remember when that song would come on the radio….and it’d open with that little flute lick. (that sound dirty…ha!!) The album version of this song has a great piano opening to it….that builds to the familiar flute-lick. It was too long for the radio version,…so many peeps don’t even know about it. From the interwebie: “…The lyrics are the ruminations of a homesteader who has become much disillusioned with farming and obsessed with the ghost of a young Nebraska woman said to have died searching for her escaped pony, "Wildfire", during a blizzard…”

 

Jenks! You surfaced…. Glad all is well and understand the break. For you and Soul: Look-it… I know I’m just some tool behind a keyboard…..but can we agree that sabbaticals are cool…and can be expected….but if it’s a permanent disappearance…we agree to say “bye Felicia” first? #Don’tGhostMeBro

 

Yes! Jenkins! BTG and I have ghost issues so #don'tghostmedude

 

I'm so down today... I know I just have to ride it out. I can do this... But some days, it's just so hard. Knowing that a few internet "strangers" have my back helps me. I know others will want to berate me and tell me I'm a bad person because it makes them feel better, but I'm working hard to be better.

 

Every. Single. Day.

 

But the cloud is back. The dark one. And it's been hovering for about a week. I felt a little better yesterday, but today is not so good.

[deadsoul]

Wow, DS, it's amazing how similar we are. I am such a conflict avoider it's unreal. I mean, I would try to avoid conflict in a boxing match, for goodness sake! And depression...yes, I'm with you on that one sadly. In my case, it was the avoidance that led to the depression (I posted a bit about this in my very first thread). The silly thing that I see now is that the issues that I once thought insurmountable (mainly culture and life-goal differences between me and my wife), were, in reality, just problems for which solutions and compromises can be found. Since I have been FORCED to talk about all this since the A, these previously mountainous problems have been reduced to minor hurdles which we can work on together. It was the avoidance of them which made them problems - simple as that! I was quiet - for years, and suffered my depression in silence while quietly brooding and resenting. Why do I find it so hard to talk openly and face conflict head on? I wish I wasn't wired that way. A great irony of this is that, as a people pleaser, I thought that being a martyr and avoiding uncomfortable issues was being kind to her....and then, largely due to my conflict avoidant nature and poor problem solving skills, I go and have an A!

 

 

 

OK, you got me there deadsoul. There is something we DON'T have in common! But I'm with you 100% - periods, childbirth, menopause. Yep, you guys definitely drew the short straw there!

 

 

 

But here I'm with you again! Even though as a man, I obviously don't have a "cycle" in the same way as you, I definitely find that my moods and my recovery patterns are cyclical in nature. When I was about a year out of D-day, I would say that typically, I would have two good weeks followed by two bad weeks, two good weeks and so on. Thankfully now, there are more good days than bad days, but I still experience cyclical patterns, as I did in the very early days when there were more bad days than good days.

 

I don't know if I'd be happier alone. Like I said, I'm not ready to quit yet./QUOTE]

 

I've wondered this sometimes. But I've got a lot to lose in quitting - my wife and kids are amazing. I nearly destroyed it all once and I need to protect against that ever happening again. And as for you DS, you don't come across as a quitter to me! You are trying everything you can and you know there is a possibility that things won't work out. But you are doing everything in your power to ensure that the chances of that happening are as low as possible. I admire you DS. You inspire me.

 

That's exactly where I'm at... Jenkins, you made me cry... thank you for coming back. I needed your words, they really help me. They really do.

 

No. I am not a quitter. I still will not give up yet.

 

H doesn't want to give up.

 

I hope that there is hope for me that I can be the wife he deserves.

[Back2Good]

I too am glad you're back Jenks. You're helpful to many here. Me, Soul....and many others....

 

Soul... I'm so sorry the cloud is back. It's an awful thing. But you're right...you DO have Hope. My name isn't "Hope"......but I am hoping FOR you.... And you have me in your corner....so yeah....you do have Hope!!!!

 

Tomorrow is going to suck. It's a strong trigger day. Followed by another later this week.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Hi EJ....

"Brutal." What a perfect word to describe "Ghosting.." It's just damn brutal.

 

I'm not certain I'll ever have closure though. But I do wish she said "goodbye" instead of Ghosting. I said I wasn't angry with her....but I am disappointed in her for taking the easy way out.

 

Dear OP, I just wanted to jump in here as someone who ghosted my MM. It was so not easy. It seriously was one of the most difficult things I have done in my life and I have been through some tough stuff! It is never easy to say goodbye to someone you love, and especially because it's the right thing to do rather than another reason like betrayal, death, or incompatibility. It's like giving up the most wonderful person in the world, who is still that wonderful person, but having to choose to do so because of circumstances (that always have that 'what if' factor since OWs never really know where MMs stand since they apparently choose their BWs every single day over OW).

 

After I ghosted, I was a miserable wreck for the 9.5 months until I saw him in his office, where we had a conversation. It' a conversation I prepared for with my licensed counselor. After our 45 minute talk, I was able to let go of my anger towards him, but now three months later I still love him as much as ever, although my feet are more planted on the ground. I am doing my best to emotionally detach and focus 100% on my own life. Now, when I think of being in A with him verses my life totally free of him, I get excited remembering how happy I was before I was pining for a MM, and how that happiness is right at my fingertips. Of course, I would most prefer to have a relationship with him with integrity, but so much damage has been done (e.g. why did he not recognize I am worthy of a "real" relationship), that it would take lots of work to trust him now. Besides knowing he has the ability to cheat, he would have to work hard to show me he values me in the way I deserve.

 

OP, you only need to lurk on the OW/OM threads to see how ghosting is not easy for OW/OM. I know deep down you realize that. If I hadn't done it that way, I would never have had the strength to quit him at that point. He also wasn't making it easy for me to let go because after I wrote him that I would like to meet up with him to see if I could actually say goodbye, he flat out ignored that email. When we met up all those months later, he denied ever seeing that email, but the email tracker I had told me otherwise. He opened it the same day I sent it.

 

Wishing you the best, OP!

 

Edited to add: I just realized how long ago you posted this, so hope still relevant and useful to you.

Edited October 16, 2017 by HadMeOverABarrel

[jenkins95]

Guys, just checking in to say Hi.

 

Is it just me, or did this thread completely disappear yesterday? I came to post...and couldn't find the thread! Maybe I was just having a "blonde" moment!

 

Sorry you have been under a cloud a little bit lately DS. Know that we are here and feel your pain. You say that my post had you in tears. Well, you got your revenge with a single line: -

 

"I hope that there is hope for me that I can be the wife he deserves."

 

That single line melted me in an instant DS - I'm in tears at my office desk, and as summer is now long past, I can't use my "I've got hay fever" excuse to my colleagues anymore! And it tells me that you are a wonderful woman who any man would be lucky and proud to call his wife - it just emanates from that beautiful, fragile, vulnerable, yet hopeful sentence, simple yet almost poetic. Yes you made mistakes DS, but you are only human, with all the imperfections and vulnerabilities that goes with it. Stay the course DS. I am crossing everything for you. Your marriage can be wonderful again, it really can.

 

B2G, I hope those triggers aren't hitting you too hard. Anniversaries really suck, don't they? Especially when you are obsessive about dates, like I am. Just ride it out B2G. Tomorrow is another day...in the right direction and know that we are here for you.

 

Very valuable and heart-felt post from HadMeOverABarrel. She's been through so much. It just shows that it is not easy for the ghoster either. In the end, I was ghosted too, but only after a lot of pushing and resistance from me. I know it wasn't easy for her.

 

Oh guys, why, oh why, did we do it to ourselves (and others)? Can one of you hurry up and invent that time machine please?

 

Keep posting. Nice to feel you all close to me.

Edited October 18, 2017 by jenkins95

[deadsoul]

Guys, just checking in to say Hi.

 

Is it just me, or did this thread completely disappear yesterday? I came to post...and couldn't find the thread! Maybe I was just having a "blonde" moment!

 

Sorry you have been under a cloud a little bit lately DS. Know that we are here and feel your pain. You say that my post had you in tears. Well, you got your revenge with a single line: -

 

"I hope that there is hope for me that I can be the wife he deserves."

 

That single line melted me in an instant DS - I'm in tears at my office desk, and as summer is now long past, I can't use my "I've got hay fever" excuse to my colleagues anymore! And it tells me that you are a wonderful woman who any man would be lucky and proud to call his wife - it just emanates from that beautiful, fragile, vulnerable, yet hopeful sentence, simple yet almost poetic. Yes you made mistakes DS, but you are only human, with all the imperfections and vulnerabilities that goes with it. Stay the course DS. I am crossing everything for you. Your marriage can be wonderful again, it really can.

 

B2G, I hope those triggers aren't hitting you too hard. Anniversaries really suck, don't they? Especially when you are obsessive about dates, like I am. Just ride it out B2G. Tomorrow is another day...in the right direction and know that we are here for you.

 

Very valuable and heart-felt post from HadMeOverABarrel. She's been through so much. It just shows that it is not easy for the ghoster either. In the end, I was ghosted too, but only after a lot of pushing and resistance from me. I know it wasn't easy for her.

 

Oh guys, why, oh why, did we do it to ourselves (and others)? Can one of you hurry up and invent that time machine please?

 

Keep posting. Nice to feel you all close to me.

 

You aren't having a moment. It was gone. Vanished. And then it came back locked. But now it's unlocked! Thank you for your encouragement. I'm so glad you're back.

 

Yes, great post from HadMe. I think sometimes people need to do what they need to do to survive.

 

As much as I want to take back everything I've done, especially with how it hurt everyone, I am trying to find a "positive" in it all that it is making me deal with many of my old demons and making me find that self-worth I've never had. I may have burned everything down... but I'm hoping we rise from the ashes stronger than ever....

[DKT3]

I know I would be labeled the site azzhole, especially here. DS, I've followed you since you came, in fact I've followed just about all of you posting on this thread. When I read your stuff I hear avoid, I avoid, I'm an avoider. At first I'm thinking, she may as well save the effort Because she will fail, no doubt. Yet here you are, still fighting and working, and for that I'm proud of you (not that it matters to you much).

 

5 years...it took my wife five years to get where she is after her affair. Sadly, I couldn't fight with her, it wasn't in my makeup. Not relevant...

 

Something you said here on this thread really stuck me. You said you wouldn't forgive if the roles were reversed. That is where you are hung up. It seems like you are remaining in self protect mode because a large part of you expect your husband can't or won't get past it. Maybe he will, maybe he won't, I do know this, trying to convince yourself that your confused as to not wanting it enough. Haha, you have to see this for what it is. Your working hard. Most times in life when you work hard you see results. This isn't linear, so keep your head down and working on yourself, one day you will look up and say "I like me" maybe your husband will be at your side, maybe he won't, you really have no control of him leaving, not forgiving you, growing himself or whatever.

[Back2Good]

Guys, just checking in to say Hi.

 

Is it just me, or did this thread completely disappear yesterday? I came to post...and couldn't find the thread! Maybe I was just having a "blonde" moment!

 

Sorry you have been under a cloud a little bit lately DS. Know that we are here and feel your pain. You say that my post had you in tears. Well, you got your revenge with a single line: -

 

"I hope that there is hope for me that I can be the wife he deserves."

 

That single line melted me in an instant DS - I'm in tears at my office desk, and as summer is now long past, I can't use my "I've got hay fever" excuse to my colleagues anymore! And it tells me that you are a wonderful woman who any man would be lucky and proud to call his wife - it just emanates from that beautiful, fragile, vulnerable, yet hopeful sentence, simple yet almost poetic. Yes you made mistakes DS, but you are only human, with all the imperfections and vulnerabilities that goes with it. Stay the course DS. I am crossing everything for you. Your marriage can be wonderful again, it really can.

 

B2G, I hope those triggers aren't hitting you too hard. Anniversaries really suck, don't they? Especially when you are obsessive about dates, like I am. Just ride it out B2G. Tomorrow is another day...in the right direction and know that we are here for you.

 

Very valuable and heart-felt post from HadMeOverABarrel. She's been through so much. It just shows that it is not easy for the ghoster either. In the end, I was ghosted too, but only after a lot of pushing and resistance from me. I know it wasn't easy for her.

 

Oh guys, why, oh why, did we do it to ourselves (and others)? Can one of you hurry up and invent that time machine please?

 

Keep posting. Nice to feel you all close to me.

 

You're not Cray Jenks..!! The thread completely vanished.... Then it reappeared...but it was locked. A guardian angle must of winked....because the thread just suddenly un-locked...and back to normal. I've copied a lot of the words-of-wisdom since...just in case it goes away again. There's some good advice I want to keep record of.

 

Thanks for the well-wishes on the "triggers." It sucked...but not as badly as I had anticipated..... It helped that it was a hectic day at the office...and my evening was busy as well. I need to go back and refresh my memory with my "Why I'm Better Off" list.... The "hummmmmmm" has been lingering more than usual lately.... I think it's just the season and as the weather is changing....it's triggering memories of stuff.

 

Jenks....it's always you lifting folk up.... I don't recall ever asking you.

So Jenks... How are you? How are things at home and with the W? I know you appreciate her....and you are putting in a lot of work. You come across as being very sincere with your efforts in rebuilding your marriage and bridging those gaps... Are you where you want to be with all that? Are you better or worse now,....than where you thought you'd be at this time six months ago? (does that make sense??)

 

Anyways....Hope you're well dude....

[Back2Good]

This isn't linear, so keep your head down and working on yourself, one day you will look up and say "I like me"

 

^^^^^THIS EXACTLY!!!

 

I echo DKT3's thoughts and I wish/hope/pray you will forgive yourself Soul.

We all have made mistakes in the past....

We all will make mistakes today...

We all will make mistakes tomorrow....

We all will make mistakes for the rest of our lives...

It's what we DO with the learning opportunities from our mistakes that matters...

Some mistakes we will repeat over and over....by choice.

Some mistakes we will never ever repeat....by choice.

 

You've held yourself accountable for your actions Soul.... Now it's time to heal. The saying goes "..You can't love others until you love yourself..."

 

You're worthy Soul.... You'r worthy of H's forgiveness...and your damn worthy of your own forgiveness. Don't forget.... But DO forgive.

 

(can someone give me a mic so I can drop it...)

Edited October 19, 2017 by Back2Good
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