Ghosted Over A Year Ago...And It Still Hurts

[deadsoul]

Yes. closer. One of my other favorites.. and it was my A

 

I knew it!!! I ended up googling it, but Matchbox 20. The lyrics Are powerful. I will have to listen to that song later.

 

More later. Too hard to type on my phone. But can I ask what makes you think OM thinks about me? One thing that was hard for me to recover from was how easily he erased me from his life. And I don't know why, but it feels better if it wasn't just nothing.

 

Part of my healing though is not relying on others for my worth. That comes from within.

 

I wish I had self-confidence. But I will say I'm gaining it. I've had so much self-hate for so many years that I'm finally learning to love myself and feel confident. People only see a surface me. Very few see the inner me. Too much emotional mush in there.

 

 

 

Oh Puhleeeezzzzz....... HIJACK away!!

deadsoul: My favorite NIN song is "Closer." Not for just the reason(s) you might think.... Although I do love the animalistic approach of the song... But those lyrics tho! "..I've got no soul to sell..." "..help me get away from myself.." That song is really more about self-destruction and not about how he wants to fk her. But really,....the reason that song is my favorite NIN is I saw them in concert August 2008... The way they presented "Closer"....was mind blowing. It was sensory overload with how they used the lights...fog, effects...instruments. To see it live....was just simply unexplainable. Trent performs as if he's performing for the very fist time in front of a crowd. I've seen so many established bands that are just seemingly lazy in their performance..(looking at you steven tyler.)

 

 

Music is a HUGE part of my life.....daily! I'm a musician...been in bands and all that stuff....and strive to grow/improve my abilities every single day ...

 

 

Btw.... My username also comes from a song.

 

 

So YES!!!....HiJack away Doublegold & deadsoul...

[BluesPower]

Yes. closer. One of my other favorites.. and it was my A

 

I knew it!!! I ended up googling it, but Matchbox 20. The lyrics Are powerful. I will have to listen to that song later.

 

More later. Too hard to type on my phone. But can I ask what makes you think OM thinks about me? One thing that was hard for me to recover from was how easily he erased me from his life. And I don't know why, but it feels better if it wasn't just nothing.

 

Part of my healing though is not relying on others for my worth. That comes from within.

 

I wish I had self-confidence. But I will say I'm gaining it. I've had so much self-hate for so many years that I'm finally learning to love myself and feel confident. People only see a surface me. Very few see the inner me. Too much emotional mush in there.

 

It is not like that...

 

He had to make a decision, you or his marriage and family. Almost none of the MM will pick the AP. I didn't and my cheating was an exit affair overall...

[cc_zero]

I very much under appreciated my H and I try each day to specifically notice the things he still does for me, even when I don't deserve it.

 

Interesting that you identify with Somewhat Damaged, but more in relation to what your AP did to you.

 

I listen to that song over and over on long commutes home. I'm in your husbands position though.

 

There are plenty of days that I literally feel... Broken, Bruised, Forgotten, Sore... too fu**ed up to care anymore.

 

I rotate between that song when I'm feeling lost and angry again..... and then back to "Looking Forward to Joining you Finally" .. when I feel like maybe there's hope again for the future.

[Back2Good]

Yes. closer. One of my other favorites.. and it was my A

 

I knew it!!! I ended up googling it, but Matchbox 20. The lyrics Are powerful. I will have to listen to that song later.

 

More later. Too hard to type on my phone. But can I ask what makes you think OM thinks about me? One thing that was hard for me to recover from was how easily he erased me from his life. And I don't know why, but it feels better if it wasn't just nothing.

 

Part of my healing though is not relying on others for my worth. That comes from within.

 

I wish I had self-confidence. But I will say I'm gaining it. I've had so much self-hate for so many years that I'm finally learning to love myself and feel confident. People only see a surface me. Very few see the inner me. Too much emotional mush in there.

Yes!! Matchbox20. Love the lyrics in that song.... It's telling a sad story... And, well,....I too just want to, at the very least... get "Back to good..."

 

You're xAP no doubt thinks about you... I guarantee it that he does...

BluesPower is being real... Many times I've seen (from my own circle of friends that strayed) the MM does end up staying with the family....with his wife and kids.... It's too much to leave a family...for an AP....even when the wayward husband "thinks" he loves the AP more than his wife.... He'll still stay....because it's the right thing to do...

You are positively NOT erased from his mind....maybe his life...but not his thoughts. You'll forever be a part of him. That's just the way it is... Your memory will fade...but it will NOT go away.

 

I had to laugh a little at your comment..."too much emotional mush in there..." Reminds me of the lyric... "...don't get too close..it's dark inside...it's where my demons hide..."

[jenkins95]

Wow, Back. This is outstanding stuff. I'm going to read this list, and the AMAZING one from your OP over and over again. They are so so helpful, and like you, I like making lists.

 

To be honest, these lists you have made should be pinned!

[Back2Good]

Wow, Back. This is outstanding stuff. I'm going to read this list, and the AMAZING one from your OP over and over again. They are so so helpful, and like you, I like making lists.

 

To be honest, these lists you have made should be pinned!

 

Jenkins... Toward the bottom....the BOLDED ones... I can remember for sure...but I believe those are your words....from your original thread. In fact,..I'm almost certain you penned those two.... I saw it,...and copied them immediately to add them to my notes...

[jenkins95]

coped by focusing super hard on my wife... My kids... My work. My music. But behind my smile....there was this constant "hummmmmm" in the background. It was her memory haunting me. I experienced the aftermath almost like a death. There was denial... Some anger.... Some resentment.

 

I relate soooo much to all this Back. I could have written it word for word the same. Yes, i know that "hummmmmmmmmm". It's almost like living with a constant toothache - you can carry on your life pretty much as normal, but that ache nags at you and you can't escape it. Sometimes it flares up to unbearable pain, other times it recedes to a manageable level, but it's ALWAYS there, at least for the first months. You are a good man who made mistakes. You're now trying your damnedest to fix them, and I've got an excellent feeling that you are going to succeed. I'm pulling for you all the way Back!

[Back2Good]

Thanks jenks... You're a solid dude... You've owned up to your A... We shouldn't have done what we've done... But you have modeled the behavior I'd want my wife to act like,...if she ever had an affair and was remorseful and wanted to fight for me.

[deadsoul]

It is not like that...

 

He had to make a decision, you or his marriage and family. Almost none of the MM will pick the AP. I didn't and my cheating was an exit affair overall...

 

My AP is single. Personally I think he just found someone else and didn't have the guts to tell me, but whatever. I wish him (in my head only)well because he did me a favor.

[deadsoul]

Interesting that you identify with Somewhat Damaged, but more in relation to what your AP did to you.

 

I listen to that song over and over on long commutes home. I'm in your husbands position though.

 

There are plenty of days that I literally feel... Broken, Bruised, Forgotten, Sore... too fu**ed up to care anymore.

 

I rotate between that song when I'm feeling lost and angry again..... and then back to "Looking Forward to Joining you Finally" .. when I feel like maybe there's hope again for the future.

 

Actually I relate to it to myself and the self hatred I felt for so long. "Taste the wealth of hate in Me shedding skin succumb defeat". I was very much in self-pity mode for a long time. I relate to this song as someone (me) trying to be someone I'm not and finding out the person I wanted to be was damaged on the inside too.

[deadsoul]

Wanna see some notes I've made....since I've found this site and site you mentioned in an earlier message today. (yes, I stumbled on that site the same day I found LS.)

 

• Do not idealize the other person. By focusing on a person’s good qualities, the pain will increase.
  
• It impairs the grieving process and makes one hurt more. Amen suggests taking time to write out the bad times and your ex’s bad points and focus on them to help soothe the pain.
  
• Cry, then hide the pictures. Allow yourself to feel the pain initially after the affair. Crying is a wonderful release. Yes, men, even for you.
  
• After a good cry, eliminate all the triggers that will constantly remind you of the other person.
  
• Get rid of the pictures, gifts and letters. Additionally, you should wipe any possible triggers from your computer like emails, Facebook, etc.
  
• After doing these things it is imperative to try to rebuild the passion in your relationship with your spouse. Passion isn’t necessarily all about sex either.
  
• Wikipedia defines passion as an “emotion applied to a very strong feeling about a person or thing. Passion is an intense emotion compelling feeling, enthusiasm, or desire for something.” You had passion for your spouse at some point in your relationship. Work like hell to get it back.
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• Your affair was real, yes, but it was rooted in fantasy and maybe even more so now.
  
• Recognize however that to some extent you’re probably over-romanticizing your ex-lover.
  
• You’re not out of the affair fog and you may not be seeing them objectively.
  
• Understand that the qualities you have placed on him or her probably belong more to fiction than to reality, and try to divorce this fictional crush from the real person.
  
• You are purposely ignoring their poorer characteristics. Remind yourself what they were.
  
• Understand that what you had during the affair is UNLIKELY to continue if you had them in a legitimate, day-to-day relationship, with all of its attendant difficulties.
  
• The heightened awareness during an affair — the stolen moments and days or weekends of nothing but sex, passion and happiness are very unlikely to continue in real life.
  
• few illicit relationships make a long-term, successful transition to the “real” world.
  
• Don’t trigger yourself. The more you can control your thinking of the other person, the better off you’ll be.
  
• Remove and block them on Facebook so you’re not tempted to even look at their page.
  
• It’s normal to grieve.
  
• I am saying that every time you wallow in those sad, unrequited love feelings, you’re strengthening them.
  
• you have to stop feeding them.
  
• Count your blessings.
  
• remind myself what a fine woman my wife is.
  
• Give it time.
  
• I once read it takes 1/2 as long as a relationship lasted to get over it. I largely believe that’s true
  
• Your feelings for him/her WILL dissipate. You won’t forget them, but over time, they will find an appropriate context and compartment in your psyche.
  
• You will see them as someone who once “was” but not longer makes sense in your current life.
  
• You don’t have to hate them, and I doubt you’ll ever merely feel neutral about them, but the sting of loss and of their memories will eventually dissipate to a minor pin-prick.
  
• 
  
• 
  
• The grass is not greener on the other side. The “grass is greener” idea is a common misconception. Because we have never been on that grass, we assume it must be better than where we currently stand. It’s not.
  
• In fact, though it may look greener from a distance – once you get there and make yourself comfortable, something interesting happens – the grass changes color.
  
• This usually happens soon after you get caught. You will then see that patch of land differently. You will also have a strange desire for the green grass you left… except now it is burned and won’t let you back.
  
• The best way to enjoy green grass is to water your own yard.
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• The Other Man / Woman - LoveShack.org Community Forums
  
• 
  
• But this was new love, infatuation, limerence and it was all played out in a fantasy bubble enabled by sneaking, lying and cheating.
  
• Yes we told each other we were amazing and the best lovers in the world, yes we had laughs and got drunk and had sex all the time......but this is not a sustainable way of live.
  
• 
  
• I know quite a few psychologists, some of whom have given me insight.
  
• One told me that these type of intense relationships where you feel like you're connected / soulmates etc are actually a sign that you have found something in this other person that is missing in yourself.
  
• Something of your personality that might have been lost along the path of life.
  
• The key is to work out what that was / is, and go and find it in yourself, and not to look for it in others.
  

 

I just copied and pasted this into my journal. Every bit of it is truth. I had to go completely off FB and I'm better since doing it.

 

One told me that these type of intense relationships where you feel like you're connected / soulmates etc are actually a sign that you have found something in this other person that is missing in yourself.

[*] Something of your personality that might have been lost along the path of life.

[*] The key is to work out what that was / is, and go and find it in yourself, and not to look for it in others.

 

This was my big aha. OM filled something that was missing and he brought out a girl in me that I kept hidden. She's starting to come out now and it's hard, because she isn't fully accepted by my H. This is one of the many things we deal with on this rocky road called R.

[deadsoul]

Originally Posted by deadsoul:

 

Ghosting is a cowardly act. Our egos hurt because how could they just throw us out like yesterday's garbage without a second thought? I truly believe that any "residual" feelings I have are my ego from being rejected. Truly.

Yes it IS!! But I have a good feeling about your situation... I HOPE that it's your ego that's driving any residual feelings. You seem a very confident person... For one to even HAVE an ego in the fist place....requires an element of confidence. And it is your confidence that will drive you to overcome your ego. If your residual feelings are coming from a place in your heart....your emotions.....your soul.... Well, that's a steeper hill to climb...isn't it?

 

 

No. Actually quite the opposite. Very unconfident. But I'm working on it and it's really starting to come out. So yes, my residual feelings are coming from way deep inside and it's a tough climb. But I'll get there.

 

You are looking for closure, and there is a fantastic post about it and I wish I remembered who wrote it. No matter how it ends, you never truly get closure. Those of us who were ghosted seem to need that, but I'm learning that closure comes from within. Closure is when you get to the point where in your head you tell that person, "Thank you for the experience and thank you for the lessons."

This is BEYOND helpful. Yes,...I'm looking for closure. I WAS searching for answers on why she ghosted me.... I say "was"...because I think I'm realizing why she ghosted me...and I'm ok with that. Don't like it...still wish we had that grown-up discussion where she says "..bye Felicia..." Still wish I received that dear-john letter from her... Something,...other than leaving me dazed and confused. I'm climbing up that cliff to get myself onto the island of "...thank you for the experience and for the lessons.." (and I did learn some lessons...I never want to be there again) These words will cling to me... "...closure comes from within..."

 

I've noticed on this board that many people get that "closure" we didn't. And they are upset that it was a text or a letter or even face to face. For a long time, I wished for that! I felt like I would feel better if I'd had that. But why would I? The people that got it sure don't. So when someone else told me closure had to come from within, it really made sense. They could've held our hands and told us, "You're great, but I don't love you." Or "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you." It would've blind sided us and it would still leave us unfinished. People that ghost do not have the guts to express themselves. They are conflict-avoidant (I know, cause I'm one of those too). That's not the type of person I'd want to be with long term. No way.

 

"...I made a mistake. I can’t get those years back….but I can damn sure build on the future years. And ensure I don't let history repeat itself..."

exactly

Still trying to figure this one out.....

 

 

I don't believe anyone has the right to say your marriage won't be healthy if you don't do this or that. It's easy for us to stand outside the situation and judge. Every situation is different and I truly believe that no one else knows what your marriage is except you and your wife.

Thank you... I too see it this way...but it's good to see another perspective as well. I understand the reaction I'm getting from some on here....and that's cool. There are some hurt souls here... I know my story disturbs some of the betrayed wives on here...and I get it. Seeing the pain in their writing is beneficial for me....it just confirms what a dick I've been. Selfish.

 

Reading the BS stories and comments and reading what they "don't" say, but comes across clearly in their posts helps me a lot. It's helped me with the empathy piece of "this is what you've done to another person" while my only focus for awhile was, "He dumped me and broke my heart, boo hoo." This is the part where waywards have their heads in their ass and mine was there a little too long. I've had to not only look deep inside, but also step outside myself and look at others.

 

I really struggled with the fact that because I had feelings, I must not be all in for R. My OP was able to just put me out of his head obviously like yesterday's trash. That's great for him and I'm happy he isn't suffering like I was. But I'm not like that and I've come to accept that it's okay. All my life I was told feeling certain ways was bad and just now, in my mid-life, I'm accepting that my feelings are okay. It's my actions that determine my character.

Well stated.

I'm all in for re-committing to my marriage... And "yes" I CAN and I WILL.....because I AM....doing it...I'm living it. All whilst still harboring feelings for xAP. So "yes" it's possible. Only now...I'm just re-defining those feelings for xAP.

 

Btw... I have serious doubts that your xAP has put you out of his head. He'll carry your memory till his death....

 

I still don't think I believe you on this one, but I'm okay with that. It reaffirms that if he doesn't feel what I felt for so long, he really wasn't the "soul mate" I thought it was. I was just a ****. Problem was, I got feelings. He didn't. That's not his fault because he knew the rules of the game, I didn't. I know now I'm not built that way and I can't do what I did to the people I love and I can't not develop feelings for anyone I have any type of relationship with (go double negative!!).

 

This experience is the biggest failure in my life so far. I failed my marriage and my family. So the only way I can move forward is learning from it and growing from it. Here's another hard part for me and I'm not there yet, not even close... forgiving myself.

 

I don't see how my H can forgive me when I can't forgive myself... but it is something I'm working on. And he is working on forgiving me as well.

[deadsoul]

Interesting that you identify with Somewhat Damaged, but more in relation to what your AP did to you.

 

I listen to that song over and over on long commutes home. I'm in your husbands position though.

 

There are plenty of days that I literally feel... Broken, Bruised, Forgotten, Sore... too fu**ed up to care anymore.

 

I rotate between that song when I'm feeling lost and angry again..... and then back to "Looking Forward to Joining you Finally" .. when I feel like maybe there's hope again for the future.

 

So... you are about a year out of d-day... How are things?

[jenkins95]

Jenkins... Toward the bottom....the BOLDED ones... I can remember for sure...but I believe those are your words....from your original thread. In fact,..I'm almost certain you penned those two.... I saw it,...and copied them immediately to add them to my notes...

 

Oh yes! Wow B2G, I am honoured that something I wrote made your incredible list!

 

Those lists are amazing. Very insightful and full of wisdom.

[jenkins95]

This was my big aha. OM filled something that was missing and he brought out a girl in me that I kept hidden. She's starting to come out now and it's hard, because she isn't fully accepted by my H. This is one of the many things we deal with on this rocky road called R.

 

This is very interesting ds. I relate to it. In some ways I could be much more myself with my OW because she accepted my more edgy, weird side that I don't really feel comfortable showing in general - not even to my wife.

 

But having really analysed this, I can see equally that there are other sides to my personality that I wasn't comfortable showing my OW, but am very happy showing to my wife. It's easy to over-romanticise the "lost" relationship and build it us as something perfect, but when you peel away the layers, it's probably not. When I think back to the A, it's easy to remember the warm, fuzzy bits, but I need to remind myself that I spent a large proportion of the time during my A unhappy, confused, stressed and paranoid.

 

Another thing ds, I can feel your low confidence in some of your posts. I know that it is not nice for you to suffer with confidence issues, but to me it is a very attractive quality. I do not like it when people are overly confident or arrogant. You have a very modest, calm, intelligent way of posting. You own your decisions and actions and you politely but firmly defend your views. I am very comfortable in your "company" and I admire you.

 

I would also like to echo what the others said about your xOM. I am certain he hasn't forgotten you and I'm sure he misses you and has a place of affection for you in his mind. I know what us guys are like. We are not great communicators on emotional issues, we are not comfortable sharing our emotions and opening up. We are not wired like women in this way (I am generalising of course - there are exceptions). We run away, we go quiet, we give the impression of getting over something and moving on immediately. But....inside our minds it is very different - we are weak and fragile and we can't run away from what's in our head, even if we don't show it. This is illustrated by the fact that male suicide rates are pretty much universally much hugher than female suicide rates. I've had two very good male friends take their own lives - two weeks before it happened, you'd have never known there was anything wrong. That's men.

 

And of course, it is human nature, especially when you are low in confidence to think that "he just found someone else and didn't have the guts to tell me" because this is the most damaging, worse case scenario. It may be true, but 1001 other explanations may also be true. And whatever really is true, I know he hasn't forgotten you.

 

And as for this: "I don't see how my H can forgive me when I can't forgive myself... but it is something I'm working on. And he is working on forgiving me as well." I'm pulling for you ds. I see every day on here how hard you are working on yourself. Yours is a very genuine attempt at reconciliation and I think you're going to turn this one around. I truly hope you H forgives you and I'd love to see you forgive youself too!

 

It's a pleasure to have you on this road with me ds.

Edited August 23, 2017 by jenkins95

[Back2Good]

We are not wired like women in this way (I am generalising of course - there are exceptions). We run away, we go quiet, we give the impression of getting over something and moving on immediately. But....inside our minds it is very different - we are weak and fragile and we can't run away from what's in our head, even if we don't show it.

 

I know he hasn't forgotten you.

 

^^^^^

Straight up truth right there

[Back2Good]

I still don't think I believe you on this one, but I'm okay with that. It reaffirms that if he doesn't feel what I felt for so long, he really wasn't the "soul mate" I thought it was. I was just a ****. Problem was, I got feelings. He didn't. That's not his fault because he knew the rules of the game, I didn't. I know now I'm not built that way and I can't do what I did to the people I love and I can't not develop feelings for anyone I have any type of relationship with (go double negative!!).

 

This experience is the biggest failure in my life so far. I failed my marriage and my family. So the only way I can move forward is learning from it and growing from it. Here's another hard part for me and I'm not there yet, not even close... forgiving myself.

 

I don't see how my H can forgive me when I can't forgive myself... but it is something I'm working on. And he is working on forgiving me as well.

Good morning deadsoul.....

I have a question for you....if I may ask.

Why can't you forgive yourself? Can you give me something other than "because what i did was wrong and i hurt my family..." Because yes, that's true... But is there anything else? Are you maybe...(just suggesting)...self imposing a punishment upon yourself because of the great remorse you are experiencing? Do you feel like you don't deserve "forgiveness" because you hurt you husband?

 

deadsoul... This will happen in your own time....but can you just say to yourself...tell yourself.... "Self,...I WILL forgive you...not today,...but tomorrow I will forgive myself..."

Don't you see that the EXACT remorse you are feeling,....clearly indicates your moral baseline. If you weren't remorseful for hurting the ones you love....then you have a problem. But you are bleeding out...and you need to forgive yourself. And you DO deserve forgiveness.... It's done... It's over.... It's in the past.... Learn from it....don't ever FORGET it.....but forgive yourself. Your H needs you to forgive yourself too. Your family needs you to forgive yourself.

Look deep at what's preventing you from forgiving yourself... Don't assume it's ONLY the A that's holding you back. Is there anything else? Maybe not...but gut check it....

You made a mistake. Only proves that you are human....

Your H needs to forgive you too.... Even though only HE gets to decide when that happens.....and he can take his time at it....because he deserves that courtesy. But eventually,...he is going to have to forgive you... Not forget....but forgive....if he wants full R.

 

I'm rambling.... Hope I'm not overstepping....

 

Oh,...one more thing.

Regarding your confrontation with the xAP. That time you confronted him in the street. I'm sorry....but I don't see the foul here. You were pretty rough on yourself...beating yourself up b/c it reset everything.... I don't think you did anything wrong tho. And if I was your H....and I knew you needed to say what you did....I would have encouraged you to confront him and get in his face. I wouldn't want you to hold it in... So I don't get it... What exactly did you do wrong? Giving the xAP a piece of your mind... That wasn't rekindling the A. That wasn't a act of love toward the xAP. It wasn't an act of deception toward your H. It NEEDED to happen.

 

solo mis dos pesos.....

 

Now,...go SEIZE this day!!

[deadsoul]

Jenkins.

 

What a way to start my day, reading this. I have so much more to say about this but I'm on my phone and short on time. Thank you friend. Seriously. Thank you.

 

 

This is very interesting ds. I relate to it. In some ways I could be much more myself with my OW because she accepted my more edgy, weird side that I don't really feel comfortable showing in general - not even to my wife.

 

But having really analysed this, I can see equally that there are other sides to my personality that I wasn't comfortable showing my OW, but am very happy showing to my wife. It's easy to over-romanticise the "lost" relationship and build it us as something perfect, but when you peel away the layers, it's probably not. When I think back to the A, it's easy to remember the warm, fuzzy bits, but I need to remind myself that I spent a large proportion of the time during my A unhappy, confused, stressed and paranoid.

 

Another thing ds, I can feel your low confidence in some of your posts. I know that it is not nice for you to suffer with confidence issues, but to me it is a very attractive quality. I do not like it when people are overly confident or arrogant. You have a very modest, calm, intelligent way of posting. You own your decisions and actions and you politely but firmly defend your views. I am very comfortable in your "company" and I admire you.

 

I would also like to echo what the others said about your xOM. I am certain he hasn't forgotten you and I'm sure he misses you and has a place of affection for you in his mind. I know what us guys are like. We are not great communicators on emotional issues, we are not comfortable sharing our emotions and opening up. We are not wired like women in this way (I am generalising of course - there are exceptions). We run away, we go quiet, we give the impression of getting over something and moving on immediately. But....inside our minds it is very different - we are weak and fragile and we can't run away from what's in our head, even if we don't show it. This is illustrated by the fact that male suicide rates are pretty much universally much hugher than female suicide rates. I've had two very good male friends take their own lives - two weeks before it happened, you'd have never known there was anything wrong. That's men.

 

And of course, it is human nature, especially when you are low in confidence to think that "he just found someone else and didn't have the guts to tell me" because this is the most damaging, worse case scenario. It may be true, but 1001 other explanations may also be true. And whatever really is true, I know he hasn't forgotten you.

 

And as for this: "I don't see how my H can forgive me when I can't forgive myself... but it is something I'm working on. And he is working on forgiving me as well." I'm pulling for you ds. I see every day on here how hard you are working on yourself. Yours is a very genuine attempt at reconciliation and I think you're going to turn this one around. I truly hope you H forgives you and I'd love to see you forgive youself too!

 

It's a pleasure to have you on this road with me ds.

[jenkins95]

Jenkins.

 

What a way to start my day, reading this. I have so much more to say about this but I'm on my phone and short on time. Thank you friend. Seriously. Thank you.

 

((((deadsoul)))) Well, we our each others groupies ds....

 

And regarding the bolded bit above. I would absolutely love you to be my chief groupie deadsoul - the job is yours!! And in return, I want to be yours! - that exchange between you and DoubleGold was brilliant........

 

...so it's only right to start yor day with me

 

Seriously, have a good day ds and come back with some of those great posts later!

[jenkins95]

How are you doing today B2G? 12 days since you started this thread, and you are making huge strides! Well done. Proud of you.

[Back2Good]

How are you doing today B2G? 12 days since you started this thread, and you are making huge strides! Well done. Proud of you.

 

Man... I'm just rockin' and rollin' over here jenkins... Sitting in my office and owning the day!! It's 80 beautiful degrees here today... Sun is shining...birds are singing.... Thinking I'll go out with some friends for lunch...and maybe find a patio restaurant... (wish I could have a beer...but I'll have to return to the office...!!!)

 

So I'm good buddy...

 

Although...................... She's still in my head... That "hummmmmmm..."

 

Here's some news:

Just recently....I woke up in the morning and my very first thought in my head WAS NOT HER!!!!.....my xAP. That was HUGE for me....as it was the very first time in over 3 years. And also recently....my last thought before I fell asleep wasn't of HER.....and if/when I wake up in the middle of the night....SHE isn't the first thing in my mind. I can't explain what a relief that is.... Albeit,....she still finds a way to creep into my thoughts. But things are different....I'm thinking differently about her. Which is a good thing....yes!!??

 

How are you this find day my friend? All well across the pond??

 

ps;.... Question for inappfriendly....if you're around... It's been almost 4 years for you.... Is your xAP out of your heart and mind yet? (please say "yes.")

[Back2Good]

I have been reflecting on something this week…that I’ve been holding in…but I’d like to share it now.

 

I was visiting New York City with W this past weekend. We were banging around the Theater-District and sitting in Bryant Park....just sitting...talking....people watching. Enjoying ourselves. I happened to catch a brief expression on her face in what appeared to be her in really deep-thought. I touched her hand and asked her if she's ok. It's like I woke her up...and she smiled (sincerely) and said "oh yes....I'm doing wonderful and just enjoying this moment with you..."

I'm reflecting because I have this feeling that she might have been wondering about where I was those 2.5-3 years…When I emotionally disappeared. I’m going to talk to her about it. About those years. I’m not going to confess my A…b/c “yes”….I’m going to continue protecting my xAP. (sorry….but not sorry…) But I do have some thoughts that I want to share with my W….that although it won’t address my A…it will address what I *thought* were our marital issues at the time. There were some subtle issues I had with her. Looking back though,…they weren’t as real as I made them up to be. Cause you know,….I had to validate/justify my A….and place blame somewhere else other than myself. (so stupid and selfish of me…I know.) When I have this grown-up talk with my W…it will upset her initially….but it will also help her understand (at least on the surface) where I was those 3 years. It will bring us closer together….

[jenkins95]

Man... I'm just rockin' and rollin' over here jenkins... Sitting in my office and owning the day!! It's 80 beautiful degrees here today... Sun is shining...birds are singing.... Thinking I'll go out with some friends for lunch...and maybe find a patio restaurant... (wish I could have a beer...but I'll have to return to the office...!!!)

 

So I'm good buddy...

 

Although...................... She's still in my head... That "hummmmmmm..."

 

Here's some news:

Just recently....I woke up in the morning and my very first thought in my head WAS NOT HER!!!!.....my xAP. That was HUGE for me....as it was the very first time in over 3 years. And also recently....my last thought before I fell asleep wasn't of HER.....and if/when I wake up in the middle of the night....SHE isn't the first thing in my mind. I can't explain what a relief that is.... Albeit,....she still finds a way to creep into my thoughts. But things are different....I'm thinking differently about her. Which is a good thing....yes!!??

 

How are you this find day my friend? All well across the pond??

 

ps;.... Question for inappfriendly....if you're around... It's been almost 4 years for you.... Is your xAP out of your heart and mind yet? (please say "yes.")

 

Wow, that's the kind of reply I was looking for B2G! That's the spirit my friend. You get a kind of feel for people's personalities and moods through their posts. As I posted earlier, I often get a sense of low confidence in ds's posts, and we've all felt the pain and heartbreak coming from a LOT of LS posts.

 

But what I get from your post is hope. Genuine hope, recovery and an almost child-like joy. This is amazing B2G. This is what we want to read. I still feel your vulnerability and fragility under all that, and that is natural and to be expected. I understood the hummmmmmm as well. I still have mine too, but it is a lot quieter and can sometimes almost be forgotten, at least for a few minutes at a time! Well done Back - more big steps!

 

Have a great lunch and I agree with you about that beer! I was weak today and indulged one of my post-A addictions.... Pizza! I've posted about this and my general bad physical shape since the A. Yeah, I need to get in the gym soon and stop using my "recovery" to excuse over eating, over drinking and smoking. It's really bad, but it's been like a crutch since the A ended.

 

Nice and sunny over this side of the pond too today B2G, thanks for asking. Rain yesterday and rain tomorrow, but blue skies today (no wonder we're always talking about the weather!! ) and I'm wearing my shades! (Think James Bond with a few extra pounds.... And no gun ..... And without the multiple women )

 

I'm so thrilled to read an update like this B2G. Please keep them coming!

Edited August 23, 2017 by jenkins95

[deadsoul]

First, I must apologize. In my drive by peek of this thread, I completely missed this post.

 

Good morning deadsoul.....

I have a question for you....if I may ask.

Why can't you forgive yourself? Can you give me something other than "because what i did was wrong and i hurt my family..." Because yes, that's true... But is there anything else? Are you maybe...(just suggesting)...self imposing a punishment upon yourself because of the great remorse you are experiencing? Do you feel like you don't deserve "forgiveness" because you hurt you husband?

I have long had a habit of punishing myself and thinking I was bad. So that's where it stems from. Without going into detail, I had incidents when I was young that should not happen to a young girl. I'm not using this as an excuse, but it really tore up my self-esteem for a long time and I believed I was bad and I was dirty. I know now that I deserve forgiveness, but sometimes those old feelings seep back in. I am really looking hard at all my negative thoughts and how much they've affected me over the years and I'm trying hard to change that. I AM worthy. I am not bad... well, I am, but I'm the GOOD kind of bad....

 

 

 

deadsoul... This will happen in your own time....but can you just say to yourself...tell yourself.... "Self,...I WILL forgive you...not today,...but tomorrow I will forgive myself..."

Don't you see that the EXACT remorse you are feeling,....clearly indicates your moral baseline. If you weren't remorseful for hurting the ones you love....then you have a problem. But you are bleeding out...and you need to forgive yourself. And you DO deserve forgiveness.... It's done... It's over.... It's in the past.... Learn from it....don't ever FORGET it.....but forgive yourself. Your H needs you to forgive yourself too. Your family needs you to forgive yourself.

Look deep at what's preventing you from forgiving yourself... Don't assume it's ONLY the A that's holding you back. Is there anything else? Maybe not...but gut check it....

You made a mistake. Only proves that you are human....

Your H needs to forgive you too.... Even though only HE gets to decide when that happens.....and he can take his time at it....because he deserves that courtesy. But eventually,...he is going to have to forgive you... Not forget....but forgive....if he wants full R.

 

I'm rambling.... Hope I'm not overstepping....

Not at all. Pushing me to think. Which I like. Even though I tend to overthink, you are pushing me in a good way.

 

Oh,...one more thing.

Regarding your confrontation with the xAP. That time you confronted him in the street. I'm sorry....but I don't see the foul here. You were pretty rough on yourself...beating yourself up b/c it reset everything.... I don't think you did anything wrong tho. And if I was your H....and I knew you needed to say what you did....I would have encouraged you to confront him and get in his face. I wouldn't want you to hold it in... So I don't get it... What exactly did you do wrong? Giving the xAP a piece of your mind... That wasn't rekindling the A. That wasn't a act of love toward the xAP. It wasn't an act of deception toward your H. It NEEDED to happen.

 

Thank you for saying that. I really took a beating over that on this board... but you know what? As time has passed, I became GLAD I did it. I finally stood up for myself because I've long had a habit of running away and avoiding and I didn't. I confronted. My H does not want to talk about that day so I honor that, but I've had lots of conversations about it in IC and I'm sorry that it hurt H, but I did it and I know I would've regretted walking away that day. I also now know that I have no reason to talk to him ever again. I took back my power and dignity that I should have never given him in the first place. In fact, I don't know if I posted this, but I saw him awhile back and he walked right by me. I walked right by him, did not make eye contact, did not speak, did nothing. He may have talked to me, I don't know. I kept talking to my friend like I never saw him. And I was proud of myself for doing that. And that's what will happen from here on out, because unfortunately, it may happen again, as much as I take many precautions so it doesn't. Another thing doing that did is now I KNOW he'll never contact me again. I knew he wouldn't before, but that pretty much sealed that deal and that's a good thing. Even if I end up alone at the end of this, I don't want him. I will be alone and I will continue to work on myself and be happy on my own.

 

solo mis dos pesos.....

 

Now,...go SEIZE this day!!

 

Thanks. I did seize this day today!! It kicked my butt, but I seized it.

[deadsoul]

I think that's good... and here's what I want to put into your head for YOU to think about. From your posts, I believe that deep down, your wife knows. If she outright asks you, please don't lie. Please consider telling her the truth. You don't have to offer the confession, I'm not saying that and I've said before that I respect your decision not to confess. But if she asks, that means she is ready to know... please think about honoring that. I know there's a whole other thread out there about lying through omission, but if she directly asks you, consider telling the truth. Again, not telling you what you *should* do, not my place. I am just offering another perspective to think about... if she asks, she is as ready as she can be to hear it. Because she knows.

 

Please let us know how the conversation goes if you're comfortable doing that.

 

I have been reflecting on something this week…that I’ve been holding in…but I’d like to share it now.

 

I was visiting New York City with W this past weekend. We were banging around the Theater-District and sitting in Bryant Park....just sitting...talking....people watching. Enjoying ourselves. I happened to catch a brief expression on her face in what appeared to be her in really deep-thought. I touched her hand and asked her if she's ok. It's like I woke her up...and she smiled (sincerely) and said "oh yes....I'm doing wonderful and just enjoying this moment with you..."

I'm reflecting because I have this feeling that she might have been wondering about where I was those 2.5-3 years…When I emotionally disappeared. I’m going to talk to her about it. About those years. I’m not going to confess my A…b/c “yes”….I’m going to continue protecting my xAP. (sorry….but not sorry…) But I do have some thoughts that I want to share with my W….that although it won’t address my A…it will address what I *thought* were our marital issues at the time. There were some subtle issues I had with her. Looking back though,…they weren’t as real as I made them up to be. Cause you know,….I had to validate/justify my A….and place blame somewhere else other than myself. (so stupid and selfish of me…I know.) When I have this grown-up talk with my W…it will upset her initially….but it will also help her understand (at least on the surface) where I was those 3 years. It will bring us closer together….