Ghosted Over A Year Ago...And It Still Hurts

[deadsoul]

This is very interesting ds. I relate to it. In some ways I could be much more myself with my OW because she accepted my more edgy, weird side that I don't really feel comfortable showing in general - not even to my wife.

 

But having really analysed this, I can see equally that there are other sides to my personality that I wasn't comfortable showing my OW, but am very happy showing to my wife. It's easy to over-romanticise the "lost" relationship and build it us as something perfect, but when you peel away the layers, it's probably not. When I think back to the A, it's easy to remember the warm, fuzzy bits, but I need to remind myself that I spent a large proportion of the time during my A unhappy, confused, stressed and paranoid.

 

As did I... I journaled through the whole mess and when I look back and read them not, it's not to reminisce, because there are some "good" things in there. It's to remind myself just how miserable I really was through the whole thing and how I romanticized it all.

 

Another thing ds, I can feel your low confidence in some of your posts. I know that it is not nice for you to suffer with confidence issues, but to me it is a very attractive quality. I do not like it when people are overly confident or arrogant. You have a very modest, calm, intelligent way of posting. You own your decisions and actions and you politely but firmly defend your views. I am very comfortable in your "company" and I admire you.

 

Thank you. I hold this comment very near and dear to my heart. I don't think my confidence will ever be too much, but I think I'm finally developing a healthy dose. It's about changing my mindset, for example, instead of saying, "I can't do this... I say, I can't do this... yet." It indicates that I won't give up. Read Carol Dwyseck (sp) if you're interested. Google growth and fixed mindset. I realized I've been living with a fixed mindset for a very, very long time. The good news, is it can be changed, just with the power of changing thoughts.

 

I would also like to echo what the others said about your xOM. I am certain he hasn't forgotten you and I'm sure he misses you and has a place of affection for you in his mind. I know what us guys are like. We are not great communicators on emotional issues, we are not comfortable sharing our emotions and opening up. We are not wired like women in this way (I am generalising of course - there are exceptions). We run away, we go quiet, we give the impression of getting over something and moving on immediately. But....inside our minds it is very different - we are weak and fragile and we can't run away from what's in our head, even if we don't show it. This is illustrated by the fact that male suicide rates are pretty much universally much hugher than female suicide rates. I've had two very good male friends take their own lives - two weeks before it happened, you'd have never known there was anything wrong. That's men.

 

This triggers me a little bit and I'm not sure why... it shouldn't matter at this point whether or not he thinks about me because it only matters that I think about him. I do still. But a whole lot less. I think it gives me odd comfort to know that I didn't mean absolutely nothing to him, like I've long felt. I just can't make assumptions either way anymore. I don't know so I can't assume he does think about me and can't assume he doesn't. His actions showed me he doesn't, but again, it doesn't/shouldn't matter...Something I'm still wrestling with, but it's getting easier.

 

And of course, it is human nature, especially when you are low in confidence to think that "he just found someone else and didn't have the guts to tell me" because this is the most damaging, worse case scenario. It may be true, but 1001 other explanations may also be true. And whatever really is true, I know he hasn't forgotten you.

 

Again, I'm making assumptions and I just don't know the truth and I never will and I have to accept that. I feel like I'm going to get to a day where it doesn't matter anymore whether he's forgotten me or not... but to be honest, it still hurts a bit and maybe will for a long time. But I have to accept that I'm going to have those feelings, just not as strong and not as frequent as before.

 

And as for this: "I don't see how my H can forgive me when I can't forgive myself... but it is something I'm working on. And he is working on forgiving me as well." I'm pulling for you ds. I see every day on here how hard you are working on yourself. Yours is a very genuine attempt at reconciliation and I think you're going to turn this one around. I truly hope you H forgives you and I'd love to see you forgive youself too!

 

It's a pleasure to have you on this road with me ds.

 

Thanks again for this wonderful post. It really was a nice way to start the day. You've mentioned this before that you still have difficult days and I appreciate you saying that, though I feel bad that you still do... but for me, reading that helps me understand that it's okay if I still have difficult days... and it's okay if I still think about it. But I notice it hurts less and less and the difficult days doesn't last as long as before.

[jenkins95]

Thanks again for this wonderful post. It really was a nice way to start the day. You've mentioned this before that you still have difficult days and I appreciate you saying that, though I feel bad that you still do... but for me, reading that helps me understand that it's okay if I still have difficult days... and it's okay if I still think about it. But I notice it hurts less and less and the difficult days doesn't last as long as before.

 

My turn to start my day with a lovely post from you ds! Great start to the day and I am smiling thanks to you!

 

Thank you for being there and being a friend!

 

I can't write much now but will be thinking about and reading the latest posts from this thread. There are things I want to comment on but don't want to rush out a quick reply now. I will be back later when I have more time to write properly!

 

Have a lovely day

[elaine567]

I'm reflecting because I have this feeling that she might have been wondering about where I was those 2.5-3 years…When I emotionally disappeared.

^^^In one.

I’m going to talk to her about it. About those years. I’m not going to confess my A…b/c “yes”….I’m going to continue protecting my xAP. (sorry….but not sorry…)

 

But I do have some thoughts that I want to share with my W….that although it won’t address my A…it will address what I *thought* were our marital issues at the time. There were some subtle issues I had with her. Looking back though,…they weren’t as real as I made them up to be. Cause you know,….I had to validate/justify my A….and place blame somewhere else other than myself. (so stupid and selfish of me…I know.) When I have this grown-up talk with my W…it will upset her initially….but it will also help her understand (at least on the surface) where I was those 3 years. It will bring us closer together….

 

I know you think that all is now hunky dory and that your wife will just accept any BS you throw at her, but you are being so cruel.

YOU are quite willing to upset her with some self admitted garbage excuse for your behaviour over the last three long years, but you are not willing to tell her the real truth.

 

You were in lalaland with your OW, whilst your wife was in hell wondering where her marriage had gone and no doubt blaming herself too, something you now wish to use to your own advantage...

 

You now want to have a "grown up talk" to assuage your own guilt but it is at the expense of your wife.

You are now going to place "the blame" for your cheating squarely in your wife's shoulders, by discussing some "problems" in your marriage she needs to ponder... smh.

So not only did you ruin her life by messing about with an OW behind her back, she now needs to accept "the blame" for YOUR deceit, and step up even further to the mark, to make sure YOU are happy... it is a Machiavellian trick.

If she knows or highly suspects about the affair, then this attempt from you to manipulate and blame-shift I doubt will bring you any closer together...

 

I get the "my life is now wonderful" yippee but "I still miss my AP" awwww:(, and the high fiving that is going on from you here, but at its core is something that is really rotten, I am sorry to say.

I guess you are still somewhat lost in the "affair fog".

[Back2Good]

An Open Letter:

 

You don’t know me. If you did….you’d know I’m not the kind of person that wants an advantage over anyone.

You don’t know me. If you did…..you’d know about the dark hole and pain I carry in my heart for my piss-poor actions.

You don’t know me. If you did….you’d know that I don’t blame my spouse for my choices.

 

This “grown-up” talk I’ll have with her. It’s not going to be; “..Hey hun,…yeah….remember that period of time I was “gone”……yes?....well, um,…yeah that’s all on you babe…so,…there’s that…..but it’s ok….I’ve forgiven you….so we good Bae,…”

It’s going to be more like; “…Hey hun,….yeah…remember that period of time I was “gone”…..yes??....well, can we talk about it?....cause I think we really need to. I don’t know where to begin,….but with simply ‘I’m so very sorry’ that I hurt you…and I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you. I was angry at you,….but it wasn’t your fault….it was all mine. I was misinterpreting some of your actions, words, behavior….and instead of confronting you and dealing with it….I ran from you….and I shut down…. I was an ass…. I just want you to know, it was ME making sh*t up. I own all of it, and I just want you to know I’ll do anything to make it up to you. I hope you agree that the most recent 15 months with us has been great…..and if it hasn’t….let’s go to MC…. Tell me what I’m doing wrong….tell me what I can do better….because I will do it…..I want you to be happy as you can be….I admire you beyond description…and will prove it,…..as I am now……not only in my words…..but my actions as well….”

 

I genuinely do have remorse. I don’t feel like I “got away” with anything. I’m punished every day for what I did. I’m at times physically ill in the knowledge I did something so very wrong and hurtful… This is something that I’ll live with for the rest of my life….and I’m prepared to do that. I have two choices. 1) I can sit idle and just coast through the marriage/life/family…. Or 2) I can learn from my life-lesson….and I can do everything in my power to make sure my wife is reminded every morning, day and night…that she is the most important person in my life (sans kids and God) and make her feel secure, loved, valued, appreciated, recognized….and that she MATTERS. I’m opting for “2.”

 

Say what you want…but no one can see into my household but me and my W….she IS happy. WE are happy. When I come home from the office…she’s waiting for me at the door, with a glass of wine to hand me. If I'm home before she is...I'm waiting for her at the door. We cook together…. We clean together…. We do yard-work together…. We shop together…. We workout together…. We run errands together….. We watch Game Of Thrones, Walking Dead, House Of Cards, This Is Us and anything else that catches our attention…..TOGETHER. We spend as much time together as possible…

 

Just because I sinned against my marriage,….doesn’t condemn me to a life of misery. I’m sorry that me having residual feelings for xAP offends anyone….. But,….that’s KINDA why I’m here in the first place….umm….support? I know the A was wrong… I wish I was perfect…. I wish I could walk on water…but I’ll never be perfect…and I’ll never walk on water.

I wonder if anyone ever crashes an AA meeting….walks in and says “Yippee for you all….celebrating your sobriety…..but you are all still nothing but drunks….and you will be the rest of your lives…”

 

If/When the grown-up talk happens…. There will be tears. There will be moments of silence….reflection….questions….and there will be more tears…from BOTH of us…. So yes,…it WILL upset her…but not in a damaging way. And when we come out of it….we will grow from it…and it will bring us closer. I do know me. And I do know my wife.

 

So yeah,…. “YAY ME”…and my happy marriage…”yippee!!”

I will celebrate that…and I will continue to count my blessings that I’ve been blessed with. And I will celebrate the opportunity for a second chance.

[Back2Good]

If she outright asks you, please don't lie. Please consider telling her the truth.

 

I will....

I am....

 

Thank you Soul. I appreciate your words-of-wisdom.

Didn't see this coming from you..... "...before confessing....consider x,y,z first.."

But it did come from you...and it's meaningful b/c of your story....

So you have me on my heels.....and I will "consider."

 

Seize the day Soul!!!

[jenkins95]

An Open Letter:

 

You don’t know me. If you did….you’d know I’m not the kind of person that wants an advantage over anyone.

You don’t know me. If you did…..you’d know about the dark hole and pain I carry in my heart for my piss-poor actions.

You don’t know me. If you did….you’d know that I don’t blame my spouse for my choices.

 

I genuinely do have remorse. I don’t feel like I “got away” with anything. I’m punished every day for what I did. I’m at times physically ill in the knowledge I did something so very wrong and hurtful… This is something that I’ll live with for the rest of my life….and I’m prepared to do that. I have two choices. 1) I can sit idle and just coast through the marriage/life/family…. Or 2) I can learn from my life-lesson….and I can do everything in my power to make sure my wife is reminded every morning, day and night…that she is the most important person in my life (sans kids and God) and make her feel secure, loved, valued, appreciated, recognized….and that she MATTERS. I’m opting for “2.”

 

Say what you want…but no one can see into my household but me and my W….she IS happy. WE are happy....

 

I believe you B2G. I really do and good for you going for "2". I truly believe that you love your wife and are throwing 100% back into your marriage. We did a similar thing, you and I, made similar mistakes and took the same wrong choices. We both regret it and we are both doing everything we can to make things right and to find and provide fulfilment in our marriages. On some level, we are very similar people and kindred spirits. I feel I understand you very well and I think I know what it feels like to "be in your head" - quite similar to mine I imagine (but with a different accent )

 

Like you, I had already decided I wanted to be out of the A before the decision was forced. This says a lot and is very positive. For one thing it says that your marriage is no plan B.

 

Just because I sinned against my marriage,….doesn’t condemn me to a life of misery. I’m sorry that me having residual feelings for xAP offends anyone….. But,….that’s KINDA why I’m here in the first place….umm….support?

 

 

Yes, totally. Think of a heroin addict five years after he kicked the habit. He will be so much more healthy, in so much better a place, regret the life he had before and never want to go back to it. But will there be some part of him that still misses his drug? Oh yes - no question about it - the drug changed him forever and he will have to be vigilant every day for the rest of his life because the good work can be undone in a moment. I think affairs can be similar. They are addictive. We want to be out of them and we want to be free from them and all the mind f*** that goes with them, but deep inside, there will be a part of us that is still drawn towards that drug and we can never fully rid it's essence from our psyche. But, as witht he heroin addict, it gets easier with time and we will beat it B2G!

Edited August 24, 2017 by jenkins95

[deadsoul]

I will....

I am....

 

Thank you Soul. I appreciate your words-of-wisdom.

Didn't see this coming from you..... "...before confessing....consider x,y,z first.."

But it did come from you...and it's meaningful b/c of your story....

So you have me on my heels.....and I will "consider."

 

Seize the day Soul!!!

 

And that's all I ask.... just consider. I need to say more but this is another drive by.

 

Btw. GOT WD and This is Us? I don't watch much TV, but these are my 3 shows. I don't want to get off topic, but one of these threads we need to talk what's been going on in GOT.

[deadsoul]

This. Very much this. I will come back and say more later. I can take the "floggings" from people who don't understand because usually I can think about where they are coming from: usually a BS. And it helps me to read their perspectives because I can empathize more with how my actions affect people. But like an addict, I will still be dealing with my own feelings and crap and I don't expect a BS to understand or empathize... though I really have a lot of admiration for the ones that do. I think those that do go beyond what us waywards expect or deserve and I have a lot of respect for them.

 

 

 

I believe you B2G. I really do and good for you going for "2". I truly believe that you love your wife and are throwing 100% back into your marriage. We did a similar thing, you and I, made similar mistakes and took the same wrong choices. We both regret it and we are both doing everything we can to make things right and to find and provide fulfilment in our marriages. On some level, we are very similar people and kindred spirits. I feel I understand you very well and I think I know what it feels like to "be in your head" - quite similar to mine I imagine (but with a different accent )

 

Like you, I had already decided I wanted to be out of the A before the decision was forced. This says a lot and is very positive. For one thing it says that your marriage is no plan B.

 

 

 

Yes, totally. Think of a heroin addict five years after he kicked the habit. He will be so much more healthy, in so much better a place, regret the life he had before and never want to go back to it. But will there be some part of him that still misses his drug? Oh yes - no question about it - the drug changed him forever and he will have to be vigilant every day for the rest of his life because the good work can be undone in a moment. I think affairs can be similar. They are addictive. We want to be out of them and we want to be free from them and all the mind f*** that goes with them, but deep inside, there will be a part of us that is still drawn towards that drug and we can never fully rid it's essence from our psyche. But, as witht he heroin addict, it gets easier with time and we will beat it B2G!

[jenkins95]

^^^In one.

 

 

I know you think that all is now hunky dory and that your wife will just accept any BS you throw at her, but you are being so cruel.

YOU are quite willing to upset her with some self admitted garbage excuse for your behaviour over the last three long years, but you are not willing to tell her the real truth.

 

You were in lalaland with your OW, whilst your wife was in hell wondering where her marriage had gone and no doubt blaming herself too, something you now wish to use to your own advantage...

 

You now want to have a "grown up talk" to assuage your own guilt but it is at the expense of your wife.

You are now going to place "the blame" for your cheating squarely in your wife's shoulders, by discussing some "problems" in your marriage she needs to ponder... smh.

So not only did you ruin her life by messing about with an OW behind her back, she now needs to accept "the blame" for YOUR deceit, and step up even further to the mark, to make sure YOU are happy... it is a Machiavellian trick.

If she knows or highly suspects about the affair, then this attempt from you to manipulate and blame-shift I doubt will bring you any closer together...

 

I get the "my life is now wonderful" yippee but "I still miss my AP" awwww:(, and the high fiving that is going on from you here, but at its core is something that is really rotten, I am sorry to say.

I guess you are still somewhat lost in the "affair fog".

 

This is the great thing about this place. Lots of people with lots of knowledge and expereince of affairs, but who had different roles and come from very different vantage points. B2G, read them all and take as much as you can from all of them. This is priceless stuff.

 

I have a great deal of respect for Elaine and follow her posts. She contributed to my very first thread. I can't quote it as that thread isn't active, but here is the copy/paste: -

 

From Elaine567 on 19/08/2015 to jenkins: -

 

"I tend to agree with Celestial-dreamer and others.

Any normal relationship breaking up, can benefit from closure and so can affairs but because dday has occurred and the actual split from the OW was 10 days ago, then reconciliation needs to be your priority here. Hard may it be for your OW.

 

IF your wife ever found out that you were still in contact and still arranging to meet your OW, and it is not inconceivable that she will find out, then your reconciliation is dead in the water.

 

YOUR priority now HAS to be your wife, as she is your future, or so you say.

 

Meetings with OWs can turn into more and they can rumble into the occasional meeting, the occasional sex, the very carefully planned regular contact and before you know it is is back to business as usual, albeit more aware of potential discovery."

 

Elaine can never know how much her support meant to me. I was lost and I needed advice and support whether it be the softly-softly style that I have or the firmer approach that we see here. I needed it all. I needed the slaps in the face as much as I needed the hand holding and I am eternally grateful to posters like Elaine.

 

It's true that we have been high-fiving. I think there is a place for that. We are in a very serious situationa nd have done serious damage, but if we can approach our journey with some kind of camararderie and humour, then why not! I certainly feel extra strength in my own journey thanks to your positivity B2G.

 

Like me, I think you'll benefit as much from the slaps in the face as you will from the high-fives. Much of what Elaine says makes sense, hard though it is to read. BUT, I am in absolutely no doubt that you are genuine in your desire to reconcile and put things write.

 

As I said, read all viewpoints and take everything you can from them.

[Back2Good]

I believe you B2G.

Think of a heroin addict five years after he kicked the habit. He will be so much more healthy, in so much better a place, regret the life he had before and never want to go back to it. But will there be some part of him that still misses his drug? Oh yes - no question about it - the drug changed him forever and he will have to be vigilant every day for the rest of his life because the good work can be undone in a moment. I think affairs can be similar. They are addictive. We want to be out of them and we want to be free from them and all the mind f*** that goes with them, but deep inside, there will be a part of us that is still drawn towards that drug and we can never fully rid it's essence from our psyche. But, as witht he heroin addict, it gets easier with time and we will beat it B2G!

 

Jenkins... Man, you really have an amazing skill in translating thoughts/feelings into words on paper. I've been wrestling with this... Searching out WHY I had an A in the first place. I know I have to be vigilant.... And ask myself hard questions... Will I always be a "junkie"...?? I suppose so.... But isn't the first step of a recovering addict....to admit their illness?

 

I'll begin:

Hi everyone... My name is "_X_"....and I'm a sick m-fkr...

[Back2Good]

And that's all I ask.... just consider. I need to say more but this is another drive by.

 

Btw. GOT WD and This is Us? I don't watch much TV, but these are my 3 shows. I don't want to get off topic, but one of these threads we need to talk what's been going on in GOT.

Soul.... You throat-punched me with your words; "...If she outright asks you, please don't lie..."

Key word.... "lie."

I hate that I lied to my W. I hate it everyday... I haven't considered her asking me outright,....if I "had an affair." But when I saw your words in black and white...I INSTANTLY knew,....that if she does.... I can't lie to her. I just can't. It tearing me up right now...as I right this...thinking of the possibility of lying to her....again. I don't want to do that. Besides... You are right... If she asks....she already knows the answer.

[Back2Good]

As I said, read all viewpoints and take everything you can from them.

 

Thanks for the reality check brother. You're right...

I'm listening.

[Back2Good]

This. Very much this. I will come back and say more later. I can take the "floggings" from people who don't understand because usually I can think about where they are coming from: usually a BS. And it helps me to read their perspectives because I can empathize more with how my actions affect people. But like an addict, I will still be dealing with my own feelings and crap and I don't expect a BS to understand or empathize... though I really have a lot of admiration for the ones that do. I think those that do go beyond what us waywards expect or deserve and I have a lot of respect for them.

 

Thanks for the encouragement Soul. And words-of-wisdom. I'll give this some thought...b/c I have some stuff/thoughts/questions I can air-out... Expand on....but I don't b/c I don't think anyone will understand... I've grown comfortable enuff w/you and Jenkins....cause well,...I think you probably would/do.

[Back2Good]

Soul.... You throat-punched me with your words; "...If she outright asks you, please don't lie..."

Key word.... "lie."

I hate that I lied to my W. I hate it everyday... I haven't considered her asking me outright,....if I "had an affair." But when I saw your words in black and white...I INSTANTLY knew,....that if she does.... I can't lie to her. I just can't. It tearing me up right now...as I right this...thinking of the possibility of lying to her....again. I don't want to do that. Besides... You are right... If she asks....she already knows the answer.

"right" = "write"

[jenkins95]

Soul.... You throat-punched me with your words; "...If she outright asks you, please don't lie..."

Key word.... "lie."

I hate that I lied to my W. I hate it everyday... I haven't considered her asking me outright,....if I "had an affair." But when I saw your words in black and white...I INSTANTLY knew,....that if she does.... I can't lie to her. I just can't. It tearing me up right now...as I right this...thinking of the possibility of lying to her....again. I don't want to do that. Besides... You are right... If she asks....she already knows the answer.

 

This is a really valuable exchange you had with Soul, B2G, and I applaud this: -

 

"I INSTANTLY knew,....that if she does.... I can't lie to her. I just can't."

 

Well done! I think you are right here. So now, do some prep, B2G. Get your speech in order and really plan exactly what you'll say, in what order, how, etc. Also, anticipate her questions and plan some answers. Hopefully it will not come to that, but plan for the possibility that it might.

 

I think that the way someone discloses an affair can have a massive impact on how damaging the whole thing can be and how quickly the BS can start to enter recovery. I'm ashamed to say I messed up badly here. I hadn't planned what I was going to say, and I kind of just blurted it out without preparation and without any kind of anticipation of the level of her hurt or of what questions she was going to ask me. So when she started throwing those question at me, again I messed up - I stuttered, I minimised at first, I side-stepped. I feel so ashamed for that now – and that amazing wife of mine STILL wanted to give our marriage a chance. If there's one thing I could change about it, apart from never having the A in the first place of course, it would be about how I told my wife. I would plan my words very carefully and plan answers for any questions that she is likely to ask.

 

Now, I agree with Soul (as I nearly always do). I'm not saying you SHOULD tell your wife as this is a very personal decision, but if she asks outright, I am so glad that you have already decided that you will tell her. After all, if you denied it, you would have to then face the rest of your life guarding that secret in the knowledge that you denied it ever happened - this is quite another league from lying from omission.

 

And B2G – you achieved one of my lifetime ambitions. You visited NYC! Wow! What a great place to be with your wife. Now, I realise that it is a heck of a lot easier for you to go there than it is for me, but still I’m jealous and you’ve inspired me to go there one day!!

 

Keep on posting B2G. You are already on a good roll today!

 

J

Edited August 24, 2017 by jenkins95

[Back2Good]

After all, if you denied it, you would have to then face the rest of your life guarding that secret in the knowledge that you denied it ever happened - this is quite another league from lying from omission.

 

Yeah.... This is so very true!!

After all,...again.... IF she asks me...after year and 3 months I've been reinvested....if she asks me after all this time....then she already knows the answer....

So if I lie...and deny.... She too will live out our lives knowing I lied to her.....again. I can't allow that to happen.

 

Thanks for the heads-up and sharing how you would have done it differently. That's helpful insight. I will be prepared. I've also read enough on this mb....not to trickle down information. It'll be better to rip the band-aid....rather than slowly pulling it off.

 

I'm not prepared to host a "Reveal Party"....but I guess I better get prepared for IF my wife asks me outright...."did you have an affair..." I guess I also have to be prepared to tell her with whom too.... Ughhhhh......

[jenkins95]

Yeah.... This is so very true!!

After all,...again.... IF she asks me...after year and 3 months I've been reinvested....if she asks me after all this time....then she already knows the answer....

So if I lie...and deny.... She too will live out our lives knowing I lied to her.....again. I can't allow that to happen.

 

Thanks for the heads-up and sharing how you would have done it differently. That's helpful insight. I will be prepared. I've also read enough on this mb....not to trickle down information. It'll be better to rip the band-aid....rather than slowly pulling it off.

 

I'm not prepared to host a "Reveal Party"....but I guess I better get prepared for IF my wife asks me outright...."did you have an affair..." I guess I also have to be prepared to tell her with whom too.... Ughhhhh......

 

Good for you B2G. This makes sense. Incidentally, have you read this thread? :-

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/632334-would-you-want-know

 

Most BS say they would want to know, but not all. There is a possibility that she may suspect something but has decided she would rather not know and so will not ask.

 

Just something to consider.

 

I think you have a good approach - show her you love her every day and don't look back.

 

Also, B2G, and sorry to ask you a potentially uncomfortable question, but the OW is a friend of your wife's, right? Does this mean they are in regular contact? Do they meet up? Is there a chance you could come home one day, and there they both are having coffee? Sorry if that thought makes you cringe!

[Back2Good]

There is a possibility that she may suspect something but has decided she would rather not know and so will not ask.

 

Also, B2G, and sorry to ask you a potentially uncomfortable question, but the OW is a friend of your wife's, right? Does this mean they are in regular contact? Do they meet up? Is there a chance you could come home one day, and there they both are having coffee? Sorry if that thought makes you cringe!

 

"...rather not know and so will not ask..."

^^^^THIS!!!

I *think* that this is where she is.... I also have reason to think she isn't suspicious an A took place. BUT,...if she is...i do believe it is very possible, she just rather not know. At least not now,...as in today. IF she's suspicious though, and would rather not know,....she might want to know in a year, two or three down the road.

 

"...but the OW is a friend of your wife's, right?"

Yes.

And my xAP would be the LAST person she would suspect. They are still I guess what you would consider "friends"....but they are not in regular contact. Mostly, just infrequent FB stuff...and the occasional text. xAP purposely put space between the two of them long ago. So there is now very little contact.

No chance I come home and find my xAP having coffee in my house. We live in different cities now. We didn't when the A began....but now we do.

I have been back to xAP city....many times for work....but I've avoided any chance of running into her or any chance she'd find out I was there.

 

btw...speaking of FB. I unfriended xAP seven days ago.

[deadsoul]

This is a really valuable exchange you had with Soul, B2G, and I applaud this: -

 

"I INSTANTLY knew,....that if she does.... I can't lie to her. I just can't."

 

Well done! I think you are right here. So now, do some prep, B2G. Get your speech in order and really plan exactly what you'll say, in what order, how, etc. Also, anticipate her questions and plan some answers. Hopefully it will not come to that, but plan for the possibility that it might.

 

I think that the way someone discloses an affair can have a massive impact on how damaging the whole thing can be and how quickly the BS can start to enter recovery. I'm ashamed to say I messed up badly here. I hadn't planned what I was going to say, and I kind of just blurted it out without preparation and without any kind of anticipation of the level of her hurt or of what questions she was going to ask me. So when she started throwing those question at me, again I messed up - I stuttered, I minimised at first, I side-stepped. I feel so ashamed for that now – and that amazing wife of mine STILL wanted to give our marriage a chance. If there's one thing I could change about it, apart from never having the A in the first place of course, it would be about how I told my wife. I would plan my words very carefully and plan answers for any questions that she is likely to ask.

 

Now, I agree with Soul (as I nearly always do). I'm not saying you SHOULD tell your wife as this is a very personal decision, but if she asks outright, I am so glad that you have already decided that you will tell her. After all, if you denied it, you would have to then face the rest of your life guarding that secret in the knowledge that you denied it ever happened - this is quite another league from lying from omission.

 

And B2G – you achieved one of my lifetime ambitions. You visited NYC! Wow! What a great place to be with your wife. Now, I realise that it is a heck of a lot easier for you to go there than it is for me, but still I’m jealous and you’ve inspired me to go there one day!!

 

Keep on posting B2G. You are already on a good roll today!

 

J

 

Honestly, there just is no good way to do it. When I did it, I really didn't plan it ahead of time, I knew at some point I was going to, but I just blurted it out one day. But I agree in hindsight, I wish I had thought it through more. I do know that I have been honest about every question he's asked and I've told him to make sure he wants to hear the answers to the questions because I will tell everything...

 

Still, 6 months later, there are a lot of things he hasn't asked and I haven't pushed. Some might say I'm lying by omission, but I am letting him choose when he wants to hear the information, if he wants to hear it. But I will tell the truth and he's been told that numerous times... if he chooses not to believe what he hears, I have to live with that too, that's the problem with being a liar... you can't be trusted.

 

For a long time, I wanted him to ask, I think. Deep inside I wanted him to ask because something was so seriously wrong with us and I wanted him to know that I was broken and I had made some horrible choices instead of communicating what was wrong. I think there is truth to waywards who "want" to be caught. Especially since most of us are conflict-avoidant to begin with and can't assert ourselves, we almost want the BS to do the dirty work for us. At least that's what I'm realizing about my situation.

[jenkins95]

Honestly, there just is no good way to do it. When I did it, I really didn't plan it ahead of time, I knew at some point I was going to, but I just blurted it out one day. But I agree in hindsight, I wish I had thought it through more. I do know that I have been honest about every question he's asked and I've told him to make sure he wants to hear the answers to the questions because I will tell everything...

 

Still, 6 months later, there are a lot of things he hasn't asked and I haven't pushed. Some might say I'm lying by omission, but I am letting him choose when he wants to hear the information, if he wants to hear it. But I will tell the truth and he's been told that numerous times... if he chooses not to believe what he hears, I have to live with that too, that's the problem with being a liar... you can't be trusted.

 

For a long time, I wanted him to ask, I think. Deep inside I wanted him to ask because something was so seriously wrong with us and I wanted him to know that I was broken and I had made some horrible choices instead of communicating what was wrong. I think there is truth to waywards who "want" to be caught. Especially since most of us are conflict-avoidant to begin with and can't assert ourselves, we almost want the BS to do the dirty work for us. At least that's what I'm realizing about my situation.

 

You sound very like me ds. This sounds very much like how my wife and I talk about it. I try to be honest, but I don't volunteer information she doesn't ask for. We actually had quite an upsetting conversation last night when some of the old questions came back. But we made up after and ended up cuddling so that was nice.

 

Can I ask how things are with you and H now? I wish you all the best and I am still thinking a lot about the various gems of insight you have written this week! Thanks for being here.

 

B2G, are you around today? How are things my friend?

[elaine567]

For a long time, I wanted him to ask, I think. Deep inside I wanted him to ask because something was so seriously wrong with us and I wanted him to know that I was broken and I had made some horrible choices instead of communicating what was wrong.

 

And you are being left with holding on to stuff which you would rather have got rid of.

Secrets that you wanted to divulge but couldn't do so as he didn't want to know. YOU can't just ride roughshod over his feelings and tell him anyway so you are still left holding on to "secrets" really.

 

I can see the need to get it ALL out into the open, discuss it, get rid of the guilt and shame and make amends and it is then "finished".

There are no more skeletons in cupboards waiting to haunt you, but the way it is, it is not ideal as there are still some skeletons in the cupboards but he is choosing not to open the doors, which would be fine, but he may decide at any time he wants to open the doors and so you are left on tenterhooks really.

[deadsoul]

You sound very like me ds. This sounds very much like how my wife and I talk about it. I try to be honest, but I don't volunteer information she doesn't ask for. We actually had quite an upsetting conversation last night when some of the old questions came back. But we made up after and ended up cuddling so that was nice.

 

Can I ask how things are with you and H now? I wish you all the best and I am still thinking a lot about the various gems of insight you have written this week! Thanks for being here.

 

B2G, are you around today? How are things my friend?

 

Dude. You can ask me anything lol. Can I turn the question back tonyou? Where were you at the 6 month mark? Things are okay, but not great. There are good days and bad. But I'm not giving up.

 

I was actually a little envious reading your accounts with your wife because that's where I want to be. But I'm also very happy for you that you're in a good place because that gives me hope. Another one of my bad habits... comparing myself with others and getting down on myself if it's "not as good"

 

I leave you with a song that will age me, but will be super impressed if you know it because they are my all time favorite band:

 

"So if you think your life is complete confusion cause your neighbor has it made. Just remember that it's a grand illusion and deep inside we're all the same"

[Back2Good]

"The Grand Illusion!!" Ahhhhhh......loves me some Styx. In full transparency however,...I at first thought the lyrics were from a Cold Play song!!

 

Don't give up Soul!!! At least don't give up on the chance you have to build your marriage back! It's really only been 6 months for you....yes?? Don't these things take at least a year+ to level off to a certain normalcy?? I learned that from this MB. Oh,....and lord of MERCY...if you have a habit of comparing yourself with others.... My advice to you young lady... DO NOT READ THE "HOW MANY TIMES A WEEK DO YOU HAVE SEX" thread...!!! Evidently....if you aren't knocking boots 49 times a week....you don't have a good marriage..... I'm reading those things...and I'm thinking "dude,..get off that poor girl....!!!" (or man....no judgement here...)

 

Jenkins... I'm here....lurking. I have meetings most of the afternoon....so I won't be around much. But I'm thinking of you guys... Glad you and your W settled last night's dispute....and didn't go to bed angry.

 

It's a beautiful day here.... And it's FRIDAY!! Hope y'all enjoy the day...!! And Soul...I want you to Seize the day!! Own it!!

[jenkins95]

And you are being left with holding on to stuff which you would rather have got rid of.

Secrets that you wanted to divulge but couldn't do so as he didn't want to know. YOU can't just ride roughshod over his feelings and tell him anyway so you are still left holding on to "secrets" really.

 

I can see the need to get it ALL out into the open, discuss it, get rid of the guilt and shame and make amends and it is then "finished".

There are no more skeletons in cupboards waiting to haunt you, but the way it is, it is not ideal as there are still some skeletons in the cupboards but he is choosing not to open the doors, which would be fine, but he may decide at any time he wants to open the doors and so you are left on tenterhooks really.

 

This makes a lot of sense. As horrific at is was, talking about the A did actually open up intimacy between my W and I and we eventually reconnected. As horrible as the subject matter was, at leastw e were talking - talking from our souls and our hearts...and not just about kids, school, what's for dinner, etc.

 

Honesty does create intimacy and connection...but boy is it tough at the same time!

[jenkins95]

Dude. You can ask me anything lol. Can I turn the question back tonyou? Where were you at the 6 month mark? Things are okay, but not great. There are good days and bad. But I'm not giving up.

 

I was actually a little envious reading your accounts with your wife because that's where I want to be. But I'm also very happy for you that you're in a good place because that gives me hope. Another one of my bad habits... comparing myself with others and getting down on myself if it's "not as good"

 

((Soul))) x

 

I love you calling me "Dude"! We don't use it much over here and it sounds so cool!

 

Anyway, having said that you are very like me in certain areas, I now see that you are also very like my wife in certain areas too. She has been blighted by low confidence and constantly comparing (herself negatively) to other people all her life.

 

Little tip: What's the one thing you should never do to someone who is low in confidence and compares themselves negatively to others? Answer: Have an affair on them. I've never seen such devastation in my life and that image will stay with me forever. 100% on me.

 

On a more cheerful note, I have loads of hope for you DS! At six months, you are still in the really early days and I know how genuinely you are approaching R. In my posts, I sometimes post in an overly optimistic way and maybe gave the impression that things were better than they were after that time. The truth is that, after 6 months, my wife and I were still in a pretty bad place. Slightly better than just after D-day, but still - not good. I used to dread getting home from work. I never knew how I would find her and there was at least a 50/50 chance that, at some point in the evening, the A would be mentioned or at least hinted at.

 

The incident last night was caused by my W noticing that I was looking at affair articles on my phone (as she knows I do) in a slightly guarded way and she triggered. Fair enough. The conversation that followed was fuelled party by tiredness and wine and it felt like a ritual humiliation for both of us. The same, stock questions and the same stock answers were trotted out almost ritualistically. But the fact is, this is extremely rare now. We haven't had one of these for months. Straight after D-day, our conversations were pretty much constantly like that. After six months, things were much better, but we would still have conversations like that mulitple times weekly.

 

It's so different now. Last night felt so bad simply because I am not used to it anymore. I had almost become immune to it before, And as I said, we made up quickly and went to sleep cuddling - this often wasn't the case after 6 months, when we'd sometimes wake up...and just carry on where we left off.

 

So no doubt, you will be in a very different place in 6 months deadsoul - and an enitirely different place again a year from then! I know it! And I'll be here for the journey with you! Just keep working on it and stay with us here!

 

I leave you with a song that will age me, but will be super impressed if you know it because they are my all time favorite band:

 

"So if you think your life is complete confusion cause your neighbor has it made. Just remember that it's a grand illusion and deep inside we're all the same"

 

Brilliant words! I have to admit, I had to Google it, but now, thanks to you, I am listening to it and it is AMAZING! I will be exploring their stuff a lot more now - all thanks to you guys! There's a lot I can learn from you DS, and great music is one of them! I am stll waiting for your Joy Division suggestions! Where should a newbie begin? Last night, I was listening to Pink Floyd. Started with Dark Side of the Moon. It's amazing, but it was bringing me down a bit, especially "Brain Damage", the words of which I couldn't help putting into an A context! So I listened to "Interstellar Overdrive", which is quite trippy and a then a bit of Hendrix! My kids caught me playing air guitar, which was a bit embarrassing! I play air guitar just like hendrix by the way!!! Real guitar? Well, I'll continue working on it!

Edited August 25, 2017 by jenkins95