Ghosted Over A Year Ago...And It Still Hurts

[jenkins95]

"The Grand Illusion!!" Ahhhhhh......loves me some Styx. In full transparency however,...I at first thought the lyrics were from a Cold Play song!!

 

Don't give up Soul!!! At least don't give up on the chance you have to build your marriage back! It's really only been 6 months for you....yes?? Don't these things take at least a year+ to level off to a certain normalcy?? I learned that from this MB. Oh,....and lord of MERCY...if you have a habit of comparing yourself with others.... My advice to you young lady... DO NOT READ THE "HOW MANY TIMES A WEEK DO YOU HAVE SEX" thread...!!! Evidently....if you aren't knocking boots 49 times a week....you don't have a good marriage..... I'm reading those things...and I'm thinking "dude,..get off that poor girl....!!!" (or man....no judgement here...)

 

Jenkins... I'm here....lurking. I have meetings most of the afternoon....so I won't be around much. But I'm thinking of you guys... Glad you and your W settled last night's dispute....and didn't go to bed angry.

 

It's a beautiful day here.... And it's FRIDAY!! Hope y'all enjoy the day...!! And Soul...I want you to Seize the day!! Own it!!

 

Another good update B2G.

 

You had me rolling with laughter about the "HOW MANY TIMES A WEEK DO YOU HAVE SEX" thread B2G. I was amazed when I read that. I mean some couples must not have time for anything else! When I hear that long married couples have sex multiple times a day, I find it hard to believe. But good luck to them if it is genuinely true!

 

Yes, let's all seize the day...and the weekend. I'm taking my kids surfing tomorrow hopefully! Looking forward to it!

[jenkins95]

"The Grand Illusion!!" Ahhhhhh......loves me some Styx. In full transparency however,...I at first thought the lyrics were from a Cold Play song!!

 

Don't give up Soul!!! At least don't give up on the chance you have to build your marriage back! It's really only been 6 months for you....yes?? Don't these things take at least a year+ to level off to a certain normalcy?? I learned that from this MB. Oh,....and lord of MERCY...if you have a habit of comparing yourself with others.... My advice to you young lady... DO NOT READ THE "HOW MANY TIMES A WEEK DO YOU HAVE SEX" thread...!!! Evidently....if you aren't knocking boots 49 times a week....you don't have a good marriage..... I'm reading those things...and I'm thinking "dude,..get off that poor girl....!!!" (or man....no judgement here...)

 

Jenkins... I'm here....lurking. I have meetings most of the afternoon....so I won't be around much. But I'm thinking of you guys... Glad you and your W settled last night's dispute....and didn't go to bed angry.

 

It's a beautiful day here.... And it's FRIDAY!! Hope y'all enjoy the day...!! And Soul...I want you to Seize the day!! Own it!!

 

Another good update B2G.

 

Thanks to you and Soul, I have Styx playing on my computer. So far, I LOVE it!

 

You had me rolling with laughter about the "HOW MANY TIMES A WEEK DO YOU HAVE SEX" thread B2G. I was amazed when I read that. I mean some couples must not have time for anything else! When I hear that long married couples have sex multiple times a day, I find it hard to believe. But good luck to them if it is genuinely true!

 

Yes, let's all seize the day...and the weekend. I'm taking my kids surfing tomorrow hopefully! Looking forward to it!

[deadsoul]

And you are being left with holding on to stuff which you would rather have got rid of.

Secrets that you wanted to divulge but couldn't do so as he didn't want to know. YOU can't just ride roughshod over his feelings and tell him anyway so you are still left holding on to "secrets" really.

 

I can see the need to get it ALL out into the open, discuss it, get rid of the guilt and shame and make amends and it is then "finished".

There are no more skeletons in cupboards waiting to haunt you, but the way it is, it is not ideal as there are still some skeletons in the cupboards but he is choosing not to open the doors, which would be fine, but he may decide at any time he wants to open the doors and so you are left on tenterhooks really.

 

No... to be honest, telling him everything would make me feel worse. I actually prefer that he doesn't ask... but yes, he may decide at any time he wants to know and I will tell. Telling more won't get rid of the guilt and shame for me. It hasn't so far. I'm still baffled how many think that confessing gets rid of the guilt and shame because for me, that hasn't been the case at all. I think the only way for me to "get rid of it" (it will never be truly gone) is when I finally forgive myself.

 

I don't look at it as holding on to secrets as much as I do letting it go. That information will not help my H heal in any way and maybe he knows that. But he knows it's there if he feels he needs it.

[deadsoul]

Another good update B2G.

 

Thanks to you and Soul, I have Styx playing on my computer. So far, I LOVE it!

 

You had me rolling with laughter about the "HOW MANY TIMES A WEEK DO YOU HAVE SEX" thread B2G. I was amazed when I read that. I mean some couples must not have time for anything else! When I hear that long married couples have sex multiple times a day, I find it hard to believe. But good luck to them if it is genuinely true!

 

Yes, let's all seize the day...and the weekend. I'm taking my kids surfing tomorrow hopefully! Looking forward to it!

 

That thread depressed me, a lot.

Grand Illusion is their best album, in my opinion. Many hated Mr. Roboto, but I liked it. Paradise Theater is pretty cool as well. I did not like their newer stuff. Once Dennis and Tommy left the band (and Tommy came back), it just wasn't the same for me.

[deadsoul]

Another good update B2G.

 

You had me rolling with laughter about the "HOW MANY TIMES A WEEK DO YOU HAVE SEX" thread B2G. I was amazed when I read that. I mean some couples must not have time for anything else! When I hear that long married couples have sex multiple times a day, I find it hard to believe. But good luck to them if it is genuinely true!

 

Yes, let's all seize the day...and the weekend. I'm taking my kids surfing tomorrow hopefully! Looking forward to it!

 

That thread depressed me. I had to stop reading it.

[deadsoul]

((Soul))) x

 

I love you calling me "Dude"! We don't use it much over here and it sounds so cool!

 

hahaha!

 

Anyway, having said that you are very like me in certain areas, I now see that you are also very like my wife in certain areas too. She has been blighted by low confidence and constantly comparing (herself negatively) to other people all her life.

 

Little tip: What's the one thing you should never do to someone who is low in confidence and compares themselves negatively to others? Answer: Have an affair on them. I've never seen such devastation in my life and that image will stay with me forever. 100% on me.

 

On a more cheerful note, I have loads of hope for you DS! At six months, you are still in the really early days and I know how genuinely you are approaching R. In my posts, I sometimes post in an overly optimistic way and maybe gave the impression that things were better than they were after that time. The truth is that, after 6 months, my wife and I were still in a pretty bad place. Slightly better than just after D-day, but still - not good. I used to dread getting home from work. I never knew how I would find her and there was at least a 50/50 chance that, at some point in the evening, the A would be mentioned or at least hinted at.

 

We don't really talk about it anymore. Just comments he makes. I keep asking if he wants to talk about it and he doesn't.

 

The incident last night was caused by my W noticing that I was looking at affair articles on my phone (as she knows I do) in a slightly guarded way and she triggered. Fair enough. The conversation that followed was fuelled party by tiredness and wine and it felt like a ritual humiliation for both of us. The same, stock questions and the same stock answers were trotted out almost ritualistically. But the fact is, this is extremely rare now. We haven't had one of these for months. Straight after D-day, our conversations were pretty much constantly like that. After six months, things were much better, but we would still have conversations like that mulitple times weekly.

 

 

I guess I missed this incident you had with your wife, sorry about that... but it's good to know that it still comes up, even after you are in such a good place, but it seems like you both handle it and move on, which shows the healing that has occurred.

 

It's so different now. Last night felt so bad simply because I am not used to it anymore. I had almost become immune to it before, And as I said, we made up quickly and went to sleep cuddling - this often wasn't the case after 6 months, when we'd sometimes wake up...and just carry on where we left off.

 

So no doubt, you will be in a very different place in 6 months deadsoul - and an enitirely different place again a year from then! I know it! And I'll be here for the journey with you! Just keep working on it and stay with us here!

 

I hope so. I keep looking at where I was exactly a year ago and where I am now. I was still in the A exactly a year ago and I was miserable. I hope that next year this time, I will be in an even better place. That's my goal anyway.

 

Brilliant words! I have to admit, I had to Google it, but now, thanks to you, I am listening to it and it is AMAZING! I will be exploring their stuff a lot more now - all thanks to you guys! There's a lot I can learn from you DS, and great music is one of them! I am stll waiting for your Joy Division suggestions! Where should a newbie begin? Last night, I was listening to Pink Floyd. Started with Dark Side of the Moon. It's amazing, but it was bringing me down a bit, especially "Brain Damage", the words of which I couldn't help putting into an A context! So I listened to "Interstellar Overdrive", which is quite trippy and a then a bit of Hendrix! My kids caught me playing air guitar, which was a bit embarrassing! I play air guitar just like hendrix by the way!!! Real guitar? Well, I'll continue working on it!

 

I only know a couple Joy Division songs... I believe they turned into or became New Order, which is very techno-pop, but it's fun to listen to. Listen to 1963. The lyrics are sad, but the whole song is haunting and it seems like it would be a happy song, but it isn't.

 

Love me some Pink Floyd, but yeah, they can bring you down a bit. Love Hendrix and I bet you rock at air guitar! I've been listening to 90s alternative on Amazon music lately. Good stuff.

 

My best "performances" are in the car. I love to listen to DMX in the car and I'm the dork dancing and singing. But it's fun so I don't care.

 

BTG... still followed her on FB, eh?? Well, it's good you unfriended her, another good step... I just had to go off it altogether. I still stalk, I mean lurk on Instagram, but not very much as OM and I have mutual friends and I just don't even want to see his name.

 

Have a great weekend guys!

[Back2Good]

Soul: You said that you were baffled at how many peeps think that confessing “gets rid of the guilt and shame because for me, that hasn’t happened….” If you had to do it all over again…. Would you? Confess? Also, I think you said that you live in the same neighborhood as your xAP. Is it hard to avoid him? I don’t mean emotionally hard…but physically hard. And what about your H? Does he ever run into him? Is there not a risk of a physical altercation between those two? Your H doesn’t want to talk about it much… I recall you said that you were in IC….or did I make that up? Are you still? Will H not do MC? I’m sure it’s all in your thread….but I’ve read so many…they get mushed together!!

 

Yeah….. :/ I followed her on FB….until 8/17. I really just don’t want to see her face. I was kinda nervous about unfriending her. I’m certain she noticed….and I just don’t want her to think I have any negative feelings toward her. I don’t want her to interpret me unfriending her as a face-palm. But if I’m serious about moving on….I need to eliminate any and all triggers. Remember I told y’all that I was eliminating all of the cards and notes she sent me? I’ve pretty much have completed all of that. It’s all in my office shredder. I’ve even gotten rid of most of the gifts. Things left to do: I need to delete an email address we used. It’s been obviously dormant for over a year…. But it has emails from her…. Notes and pics of her. I don’t need it anymore. So I’ll delete it soon…

 

Jenkins: How was the weekend…? Did you and your W have any more flare-ups? I think (from your thread) you said she didn’t want to do MC. Do you know why she won’t? My W wanted to do this marriage enrichment class, while I was ass-deep in my A. Of course I came up with excuses not to… But I would like to now…. But I don’t know exactly how to T it up with her.

If I may ask….what made you stray in the first place? You are in full-force R with your W now…. For you to be there….wanting to R with her….what’s different with her now that you are all-in….versus prior to you’re A? She’s the same person….yes??

Same for you Soul: Have you figured out why you strayed? And if you want to put your marriage back with him….your H….is he not the same dude today as he was prior to you’re A? What’s different?

Hope I’m not overreaching… I’m just curious….and what I’m REALLY doing….is asking myself the same questions…. I want to understand/know…..WHY DID I CHEAT???

 

Another question: Let’s say you just met your H/W today….and you are single….and they are as well. Would you marry them?

 

 

Randomness:

 

I forgot that Joy Division turned into New Order! Blue Monday, Bizarre Love Triangle & Regret are my favs from New Order. My old band…we were an 80s/90s Alternative Rock cover band. Blue Monday was one of our staples in our set list…. Albeit we covered it more in the version of how the band Orgy played it. I have a really cool video of us with that song. Too bad I can’t share it…. We actually have a YouTube channel…then you could see all of the 90s Alt-Rock / 80s stuff we did. Good times….good times….

 

“Dear Joan” is one of the most haunting songs I’ve ever heard. It’s kinda like “Hurt” by NIN. “Dear Joan” is a song by Tabitha’s Secret…..who is now Matchbox-20.

 

I can’t put into words the progress I’ve made moving on from my xAP since August 11th. My thread title has "and it still hurts" in it. It doesn't anymore. Bothered...."yes." Hurt....."no."

Soul,… I know you don’t like country…. But these two songs were me….they resonated with me after she Ghosted me. You were Ghosted. Did you feel these feelings like in these songs? Did you love your xAP? Did you Jenkins?

“The Dance” by Garth Brooks.

“He Stopped Loving Her Today” by George Jones. (reeeeeally old song….but wow!!..that WAS me…)

Also…….“Evermore” by Josh Groban.

I don’t what song applies to me now with her… My xAP. I’ll think about it and share with you once I uncover it. But I do feel as if my chains are broken….I’m free of her. Those songs don’t apply to me anymore! She’s still in my head….and I just have to reason with that. And not misinterpret the fact that she’s in my head with; I’m still in love. Seriously… those two facts don’t necessarily go hand-in-hand. “Thoughts in head = Love.” I have memories of x-lovers from my past….but that doesn’t mean I’m still in love with them. Some very very fond memories….that I might even play back in my mind sometimes. But I don’t miss them…and so well,….my point is………………

 

Game Of Thrones: Oh my gosh!!....I was certain that Daenerys was going off the rails and cray cray....now not so sure!! Season finale…= GOAT episode!!

[stillafool]

OP, I'm curious were you 13 years older than your affair partner or was she 13 years older than you?

[Back2Good]

OP, I'm curious were you 13 years older than your affair partner or was she 13 years older than you?

 

Good morning...

I am 13 years older that my xAP.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I confess I have not read the last couple pages of this thread.

 

But, I don't think it is possible to develop deep intimacy with your spouse with something like this going unacknowledged and undiscussed. A one-night stand - ignoring the ethics of it, maybe. A 2.5 year affair with someone she knew, during which you pulled away physically and emotionally, and more than a year after which you still consider AP the "love of your life"? Sorry, but I think you are kidding yourself when you say you have committed 100% to your marriage. You may have committed to not actively cheating on her and remaining legally married but that's a long way from committing to put her first at all times and doing the hard work of rebuilding your connection and her trust.

 

You may be there physically again but without discussing what happened and offering your wife a sincere apology I don't think you can you can truly move past this.

 

I also guarantee you that if you told your wife about the affair, your lingering feelings for the AP, and all your other exes for that matter, will disappear fast. There is nothing like the wrath of a woman you love scorned to bring a man from his deluded mid-life crisis back to his senses.

 

Your wife deserves to understand what happened and she deserves an apology. She does not deserve a husband who continues to put his AP first by withholding this info.

[Back2Good]

I confess I have not read the last couple pages of this thread.

 

But, I don't think it is possible to develop deep intimacy with your spouse with something like this going unacknowledged and undiscussed. A one-night stand - ignoring the ethics of it, maybe. A 2.5 year affair with someone she knew, during which you pulled away physically and emotionally, and more than a year after which you still consider AP the "love of your life"? Sorry, but I think you are kidding yourself when you say you have committed 100% to your marriage. You may have committed to not actively cheating on her and remaining legally married but that's a long way from committing to put her first at all times and doing the hard work of rebuilding your connection and her trust.

 

You may be there physically again but without discussing what happened and offering your wife a sincere apology I don't think you can you can truly move past this.

 

I also guarantee you that if you told your wife about the affair, your lingering feelings for the AP, and all your other exes for that matter, will disappear fast. There is nothing like the wrath of a woman you love scorned to bring a man from his deluded mid-life crisis back to his senses.

 

Your wife deserves to understand what happened and she deserves an apology. She does not deserve a husband who continues to put his AP first by withholding this info.

 

Thanks Lucy..... What you say is true. I agree with it all..... You are right.

 

I do want to clarify one little data-point though.... About me considering xAP as being the "love of my life..." I don't think that anymore.... I truly, really, honestly don't. I just *thought* she was once upon a time.... I'm in a better position and viewing her in a macro view now.... A macro view of the entire A.... And it was nothing at ALL....compared to what I thought it was when I was in the eye of the storm.... So no,....although xAP is a wonderful person (sans her own moral breakdown by having an A with me) she is/was not the love of my life like I thought. Pure fantasy infatuation....

 

"....Your wife deserves to understand what happened and she deserves an apology. She does not deserve a husband who continues to put his AP first by withholding this info...."

^^^^...yes she does. She deserves better.

[deadsoul]

Soul: You said that you were baffled at how many peeps think that confessing “gets rid of the guilt and shame because for me, that hasn’t happened….” If you had to do it all over again…. Would you? Confess? Also, I think you said that you live in the same neighborhood as your xAP. Is it hard to avoid him? I don’t mean emotionally hard…but physically hard. And what about your H? Does he ever run into him? Is there not a risk of a physical altercation between those two? Your H doesn’t want to talk about it much… I recall you said that you were in IC….or did I make that up? Are you still? Will H not do MC? I’m sure it’s all in your thread….but I’ve read so many…they get mushed together!!

 

I don't think there'd be a physical altercation... Great question... would I confess again? The answer is yes. It did not relieve my guilt whatsoever. But confessing helped me realize I was not living honestly. I have changed so much in the past 6 months. It's been so hard, but worth it. I have self-esteem and the beginnings of confidence, which I did not have before (even before the A) Here's what I wish I could take back... the pain H has gone/is going through. I wish I could take all of that back. As for seeing him? Unfortunately, it's inevitable, but I now have strategies in place to deal with it when it happens. Luckily it's only been twice in the past 6 months.

 

Yeah….. :/ I followed her on FB….until 8/17. I really just don’t want to see her face. I was kinda nervous about unfriending her. I’m certain she noticed….and I just don’t want her to think I have any negative feelings toward her. I don’t want her to interpret me unfriending her as a face-palm. But if I’m serious about moving on….I need to eliminate any and all triggers. Remember I told y’all that I was eliminating all of the cards and notes she sent me? I’ve pretty much have completed all of that. It’s all in my office shredder. I’ve even gotten rid of most of the gifts. Things left to do: I need to delete an email address we used. It’s been obviously dormant for over a year…. But it has emails from her…. Notes and pics of her. I don’t need it anymore. So I’ll delete it soon…

 

That's good. You will do all that in time. You've already made such progress. Here's a hard one for me. I journaled through the affair so I have conversations and stuff. I don't keep them so much for the "memories" or the reminiscing, but I keep them because the few times I've read them, I realize just how unhappy I was and it reminds me of who I don't want to be. I have no gifts or anything like that. Just conversations I've kept and pictures. But those things are surrounded by my personal writing and I don't want to get rid of that. Yes to IC and we've done MC.

 

Jenkins: How was the weekend…? Did you and your W have any more flare-ups? I think (from your thread) you said she didn’t want to do MC. Do you know why she won’t? My W wanted to do this marriage enrichment class, while I was ass-deep in my A. Of course I came up with excuses not to… But I would like to now…. But I don’t know exactly how to T it up with her.

If I may ask….what made you stray in the first place? You are in full-force R with your W now…. For you to be there….wanting to R with her….what’s different with her now that you are all-in….versus prior to you’re A? She’s the same person….yes??

Same for you Soul: Have you figured out why you strayed? And if you want to put your marriage back with him….your H….is he not the same dude today as he was prior to you’re A? What’s different?

Hope I’m not overreaching… I’m just curious….and what I’m REALLY doing….is asking myself the same questions…. I want to understand/know…..WHY DID I CHEAT???

 

Another question: Let’s say you just met your H/W today….and you are single….and they are as well. Would you marry them?

 

I need to think about this one because I've changed. I'm different from who I was when I first married him. And since we are in a really challenging part of R, it's a tough one to answer right now. Why I strayed? Low self-esteem is one reason. Inability to face problems head on and deal with them is another. I'm still working on the whys so I don't completely have that answer yet.

 

Randomness:

 

I forgot that Joy Division turned into New Order! Blue Monday, Bizarre Love Triangle & Regret are my favs from New Order. My old band…we were an 80s/90s Alternative Rock cover band. Blue Monday was one of our staples in our set list…. Albeit we covered it more in the version of how the band Orgy played it. I have a really cool video of us with that song. Too bad I can’t share it…. We actually have a YouTube channel…then you could see all of the 90s Alt-Rock / 80s stuff we did. Good times….good times….

 

I like 1963 from NO. Of course I like the dark stuff. But I do like Bizarre, perfect kiss and elegia (sp).

 

“Dear Joan” is one of the most haunting songs I’ve ever heard. It’s kinda like “Hurt” by NIN. “Dear Joan” is a song by Tabitha’s Secret…..who is now Matchbox-20.

 

I will be checking that out as "Hurt" is one of my many favorite songs from NIN.

 

I can’t put into words the progress I’ve made moving on from my xAP since August 11th. My thread title has "and it still hurts" in it. It doesn't anymore. Bothered...."yes." Hurt....."no."

Soul,… I know you don’t like country…. But these two songs were me….they resonated with me after she Ghosted me. You were Ghosted. Did you feel these feelings like in these songs? Did you love your xAP? Did you Jenkins?

“The Dance” by Garth Brooks.

“He Stopped Loving Her Today” by George Jones. (reeeeeally old song….but wow!!..that WAS me…)

Also…….“Evermore” by Josh Groban.

I don’t what song applies to me now with her… My xAP. I’ll think about it and share with you once I uncover it. But I do feel as if my chains are broken….I’m free of her. Those songs don’t apply to me anymore! She’s still in my head….and I just have to reason with that. And not misinterpret the fact that she’s in my head with; I’m still in love. Seriously… those two facts don’t necessarily go hand-in-hand. “Thoughts in head = Love.” I have memories of x-lovers from my past….but that doesn’t mean I’m still in love with them. Some very very fond memories….that I might even play back in my mind sometimes. But I don’t miss them…and so well,….my point is………………

 

 

I don't know what song would apply.

 

Game Of Thrones: Oh my gosh!!....I was certain that Daenerys was going off the rails and cray cray....now not so sure!! Season finale…= GOAT episode!!

 

Yeah, that was.... I am still processing that one. Great show though. Holy crap.

[jenkins95]

Hey B2G, deadsoul and all other contributors to this thread. How are you doing? We had a public holiday over here on Monday and so I have been having great family time (including plenty of good surfing!) and not been on LS much. It was great and I must say I feel we have come a long way in our recovery. Still a long way to go, but if you'd told me I'd be here two years ago (when a LOT of sh*t was hitting a LOT of fans), then I'd have been be delighted and probably incredulous! At the time, I couldn't see an end to that hell.

 

Yeah….. :/ I followed her on FB….until 8/17. I really just don’t want to see her face. I was kinda nervous about unfriending her. I’m certain she noticed….and I just don’t want her to think I have any negative feelings toward her. I don’t want her to interpret me unfriending her as a face-palm. But if I’m serious about moving on….I need to eliminate any and all triggers. Remember I told y’all that I was eliminating all of the cards and notes she sent me? I’ve pretty much have completed all of that. It’s all in my office shredder. I’ve even gotten rid of most of the gifts. Things left to do: I need to delete an email address we used. It’s been obviously dormant for over a year…. But it has emails from her…. Notes and pics of her. I don’t need it anymore. So I’ll delete it soon…

 

This is good stuff B2G. I'm sure deep down she does not take it as a snub but recognises your need to move on and do all the right things to achieve that. Just as it saddens you a little, it probably saddens her too. But it is the right thing to do and will help you all recover. She knows that as well as you. Full disclosure here - I have a box of stuff full of trinkets from my affair - little gifts, notes, etc. It's locked away in a locker and I never look at it. But still, the thought of destroying it all causes my heart rate to raise a little. One of these days, I will get a box of matches and burn it all. I feel much readier than I did, but still not quite there yet. You have inspired me here B2G. There is no shadowing or online following of my xAP and hasn't been since it ended. It would trigger and upset me and also disrespect my wife and undermine my reconciliation efforts. And after D-day my wife insisted (and I wanted to and agreed) that I change email and phone numbers. This is a very good thing. I think I'd constantly be nervous checking my email and phone if I hadn't done this.

 

 

Jenkins: How was the weekend…? Did you and your W have any more flare-ups? I think (from your thread) you said she didn’t want to do MC. Do you know why she won’t? My W wanted to do this marriage enrichment class, while I was ass-deep in my A. Of course I came up with excuses not to… But I would like to now…. But I don’t know exactly how to T it up with her.

If I may ask….what made you stray in the first place? You are in full-force R with your W now…. For you to be there….wanting to R with her….what’s different with her now that you are all-in….versus prior to you’re A? She’s the same person….yes??

 

Weekend was great thanks B2G. No more flare ups and I didn't expect there to be! As I said to soul, these things happen much more rarely these days and are much less easily triggered - they can be many weeks or even months apart. Perhaps there will come a time when we don't mention the A anymore. In the early days those horrible conversations happened several times a day.

 

And "what made you stray in the first place?" is a very interesting question. I could answer this in a very deep analytical way, but I'll stick to this simple list for now (I know you like lists like I do B2G!): -

 

1. Marriage was fine, but a little mundane, boring, in a rut, sex a bit samey and not particularly often. This is not unusual in busy marriages with kids and jobs. It just needed work.

 

2. I spent a lot of time away from home with work = opportunity = red flag.

 

3. I was THAT age - just turned 40, wanted to still feel attractive, virile, etc.

 

4. Having had no real attention from any woman other than my wife, for years, it felt good when a gorgeous, much younger woman (similar gap to you B2G) started giving me those eyes and obviously found me attractive. It was instantly addictive.

 

5. I was delighted to have started this new "friendship" that was "supporting me" while I was spending so much time away from home. Oh, and why bother telling my wife? - she would only get the wrong impression...she wouldn't understand. Why worry her?! The OW had a partner too, so that's double the reason why it was "OK" (crazy logic, I know!). And I told myself that under no circumstances would it get out of hand, overstep the mark, become physical.

 

6. It got out of hand, overstepped the mark, became physical.

 

7. It is frightening how quickly it progressed into a full-blown affair supported by lies and cheating. One line was crossed after the other, every day we seemed to find new ground and there was never any going back to a previous line - this was a one way thing! And yes, we fell in love, or infatuation - whatever you want to call it. Suddenly I found myself living a full on double life and didn't know truth from lie at the height of it. My phone and email became guarded like Fort Knox and suddenly an awful lot of "overtime" started coming through at work. Sound familiar B2G?

 

I think that's pretty much it in a nutshell, B2G. I was very lost and, to steal your phrase "ass-deep in my A". It's taken a lot of work and self-examination, but I now see it all for what it was. Basically a MLC on steroids!

 

And to answer another of your questions, apart from anything else she felt, my wife felt so ashamed and embarrassed of the A (she has a huge extended traditional family, almost none of which have ever had affairs, divorces, etc) and she didn't want anyone to know - not even professionals. She wanted us to deal with it on our own and with use of the Internet. I respected it, but at times I'd have loved to have been on that "couch" with a fully trained professional. I don't need that anymore though - I have you wonderful guys!

 

 

Another question: Let’s say you just met your H/W today….and you are single….and they are as well. Would you marry them?

 

Wow, B2G. The questions are rolling today! I admit that during the A and even the first few weeks into recovery I'm not sure I would always have answered this with a "YES". But I do now, 100%. However, things would be different from the start regarding my attitude to the relationship - ground rules, expectations, boundaries, life plans, compromise, etc would be discussed lots in the early days and I would always work much harder on the R - I would never let myself drift into a rut like I did just before the A. The grass is greener where you water it, I do believe that...and for several years, I didn't even have a hose! If I had my time again, I'd install a full-spec state of the art irrigation system!

 

 

I can’t put into words the progress I’ve made moving on from my xAP since August 11th. My thread title has "and it still hurts" in it. It doesn't anymore. Bothered...."yes." Hurt....."no."

 

 

Your progress is so obvious in your posts B2G and I'm delighted to see it and very proud of you. I think finding a few like-minded people on here and really thrashing it all out, taking on board the normal LS mix of support and tough love has done wonders for you. I'm so pleased! Keep it going!

 

Great to hear all your music recommendations guys! I've already listened to lots of the stuff you've mentioned and it is GREAT! I will have more to say on this.

Edited August 30, 2017 by jenkins95

[deadsoul]

Hey B2G, deadsoul and all other contributors to this thread. How are you doing? We had a public holiday over here on Monday and so I have been having great family time (including plenty of good surfing!) and not been on LS much. It was great and I must say I feel we have come a long way in our recovery. Still a long way to go, but if you'd told me I'd be here two years ago (when a LOT of sh*t was hitting a LOT of fans), then I'd have been be delighted and probably incredulous! At the time, I couldn't see an end to that hell.

 

I think that's great! It's where I strive to be, but I know I've made a lot of progress. I CAN see the end to the hell some days. So that gives me hope.

 

 

This is good stuff B2G. I'm sure deep down she does not take it as a snub but recognises your need to move on and do all the right things to achieve that. Just as it saddens you a little, it probably saddens her too. But it is the right thing to do and will help you all recover. She knows that as well as you. Full disclosure here - I have a box of stuff full of trinkets from my affair - little gifts, notes, etc. It's locked away in a locker and I never look at it. But still, the thought of destroying it all causes my heart rate to raise a little. One of these days, I will get a box of matches and burn it all. I feel much readier than I did, but still not quite there yet. You have inspired me here B2G. There is no shadowing or online following of my xAP and hasn't been since it ended. It would trigger and upset me and also disrespect my wife and undermine my reconciliation efforts. And after D-day my wife insisted (and I wanted to and agreed) that I change email and phone numbers. This is a very good thing. I think I'd constantly be nervous checking my email and phone if I hadn't done this.

 

Why do you think we hold on to these things even though we don't look at them? I guess that's the great thing about being ghosted. I know I'll never be contacted again ;-)

 

Weekend was great thanks B2G. No more flare ups and I didn't expect there to be! As I said to soul, these things happen much more rarely these days and are much less easily triggered - they can be many weeks or even months apart. Perhaps there will come a time when we don't mention the A anymore. In the early days those horrible conversations happened several times a day.

 

And "what made you stray in the first place?" is a very interesting question. I could answer this in a very deep analytical way, but I'll stick to this simple list for now (I know you like lists like I do B2G!): -

 

1. Marriage was fine, but a little mundane, boring, in a rut, sex a bit samey and not particularly often. This is not unusual in busy marriages with kids and jobs. It just needed work.

 

2. I spent a lot of time away from home with work = opportunity = red flag.

 

3. I was THAT age - just turned 40, wanted to still feel attractive, virile, etc.

 

4. Having had no real attention from any woman other than my wife, for years, it felt good when a gorgeous, much younger woman (similar gap to you B2G) started giving me those eyes and obviously found me attractive. It was instantly addictive.

 

5. I was delighted to have started this new "friendship" that was "supporting me" while I was spending so much time away from home. Oh, and why bother telling my wife? - she would only get the wrong impression...she wouldn't understand. Why worry her?! The OW had a partner too, so that's double the reason why it was "OK" (crazy logic, I know!). And I told myself that under no circumstances would it get out of hand, overstep the mark, become physical.

 

6. It got out of hand, overstepped the mark, became physical.

 

7. It is frightening how quickly it progressed into a full-blown affair supported by lies and cheating. One line was crossed after the other, every day we seemed to find new ground and there was never any going back to a previous line - this was a one way thing! And yes, we fell in love, or infatuation - whatever you want to call it. Suddenly I found myself living a full on double life and didn't know truth from lie at the height of it. My phone and email became guarded like Fort Knox and suddenly an awful lot of "overtime" started coming through at work. Sound familiar B2G?

 

I think that's pretty much it in a nutshell, B2G. I was very lost and, to steal your phrase "ass-deep in my A". It's taken a lot of work and self-examination, but I now see it all for what it was. Basically a MLC on steroids!

 

And to answer another of your questions, apart from anything else she felt, my wife felt so ashamed and embarrassed of the A (she has a huge extended traditional family, almost none of which have ever had affairs, divorces, etc) and she didn't want anyone to know - not even professionals. She wanted us to deal with it on our own and with use of the Internet. I respected it, but at times I'd have loved to have been on that "couch" with a fully trained professional. I don't need that anymore though - I have you wonderful guys!

 

 

 

 

Wow, B2G. The questions are rolling today! I admit that during the A and even the first few weeks into recovery I'm not sure I would always have answered this with a "YES". But I do now, 100%. However, things would be different from the start regarding my attitude to the relationship - ground rules, expectations, boundaries, life plans, compromise, etc would be discussed lots in the early days and I would always work much harder on the R - I would never let myself drift into a rut like I did just before the A. The grass is greener where you water it, I do believe that...and for several years, I didn't even have a hose! If I had my time again, I'd install a full-spec state of the art irrigation system!

 

 

 

 

 

Your progress is so obvious in your posts B2G and I'm delighted to see it and very proud of you. I think finding a few like-minded people on here and really thrashing it all out, taking on board the normal LS mix of support and tough love has done wonders for you. I'm so pleased! Keep it going!

 

Great to hear all your music recommendations guys! I've already listened to lots of the stuff you've mentioned and it is GREAT! I will have more to say on this.

 

Hope you've had a good week, guys. It's been a good one for me. A busy one, which is a good thing.

[deadsoul]

Hope you've had a good week, guys. It's been a good one for me. A busy one, which is a good thing.

 

Struggling a bit today guys... Is this normal? I really felt I was in a good place and sometimes... sometimes it just all gets to me again. Everything.

 

The good thing is I just have to ride it out and it will pass. It's hard to admit that I'm struggling... but here it is...

[Back2Good]

Struggling a bit today guys... Is this normal? I really felt I was in a good place and sometimes... sometimes it just all gets to me again. Everything.

 

The good thing is I just have to ride it out and it will pass. It's hard to admit that I'm struggling... but here it is...

 

Soul: SAME!!!! Ughhhhh...... Had a couple days recently that she crept back into my head.... Uninvited!! And then I start to imagine if I ever even cross her mind at all. All these thoughts had me struggling...and "yes" I'll admit it.......I find myself missing her.

 

I've learned a lot about myself these past few weeks.... One specifically is that I am not as smart as I had thought I was....and I am realizing that I am damn naive!!

Naive to have ever thought that she and I were somehow "special" and unlike anyone else in the universe...

Naive to have thought I had moved on after realizing we were't "special" at all..... Although, realizing it has been tremendous help!!

I guess this whole thing is like a death of a loved one......you have to deal with it....and you go through phases.....peaks and valleys..... And although you'll never forget the loved one that passed....the valleys do come less and less frequently..... So maybe it's the same here...??

 

Soul...??......did something trigger you to relapse? (I'm calling it a "relapse" because that's how it feels.....)

[deadsoul]

Soul: SAME!!!! Ughhhhh...... Had a couple days recently that she crept back into my head.... Uninvited!! And then I start to imagine if I ever even cross her mind at all. All these thoughts had me struggling...and "yes" I'll admit it.......I find myself missing her.

 

I've learned a lot about myself these past few weeks.... One specifically is that I am not as smart as I had thought I was....and I am realizing that I am damn naive!!

Naive to have ever thought that she and I were somehow "special" and unlike anyone else in the universe...

Naive to have thought I had moved on after realizing we were't "special" at all..... Although, realizing it has been tremendous help!!

I guess this whole thing is like a death of a loved one......you have to deal with it....and you go through phases.....peaks and valleys..... And although you'll never forget the loved one that passed....the valleys do come less and less frequently..... So maybe it's the same here...??

 

Soul...??......did something trigger you to relapse? (I'm calling it a "relapse" because that's how it feels.....)

 

Yeah, I got triggered...big time. No contact has been made, but I got triggered by some mutual friends of ours (who don't know the situation). I already feel like I'm climbing out, where in the past I would stay in this hole for days and have my little pity party for one... the cheater who got dumped...

 

It's the rejection that I think I hold on to, but I have to hold on to the fact that him rejecting me and putting me out of his mind like I was nothing and meant nothing is not a reflection on me, it's a reflection of him. I have this voice inside me that says, "something is so wrong with you because he was able to forget you like yesterday's trash." But then I have to remember that my value does not come from other people anymore (which is a big part of what I think led me down this road to begin with) and my value comes from me and making good choices and being a good person. Not everyone is going to like me, just like I'm not going to like anyone...

 

But I have huge rejection and abandonment issues that I'm sure someone could write a book on me about and sometimes I think those take over. But realizing what it really is helps me upright myself again.

 

And then I think of my poor H, that if I'm feeling like this, how am I all in for R? I still struggle with that, despite Jenkins' wise words, sometimes my old habits take over.

 

And yes, I find myself missing him too. And then the self-hatred comes from when I feel that.

 

I really wish this thread was not in the marriage/infidelity section. I feel like my comments can be extremely triggering for BS's and I feel selfish writing out my thoughts.. but I do keep it real now...

 

I also have to keep reminding myself that all my thoughts (good and bad) are okay... it's my actions that count... and I have not acted on any of my thoughts, nor will I. At least I will keep up the good fight and not act, but I do not want to undo any of the progress I've made, so I hold on to that.

 

Yeah, I agree that it must be peaks and valleys and the valleys become less... but man, when I land in them, it really hurts a lot and I feel like I'm being wrung out from the inside. Sorry if this is rambling...

 

I'm just tired. Every day seems to be some sort of a battle in my soul. So the damn thing can't be dead because I'm definitely alive and kicking in here... and maybe got some of the cray cray going on as well. :)

Edited September 5, 2017 by deadsoul

[Back2Good]

Soul: So much to say.....!! So much to relate too.... So much to ask you.... I have questions...but I don't know how to ask them. Especially on here...

Thank you for sharing your Soul.....your very much alive Soul. You and Jenkins are a GodSend for me. I respect you Soul. You're a good person. Your raw self evaluation speaks volumes about your character. You're going to be ok Soul. You're a blessing to strangers on a message board... I wonder...do you realize what a blessing you are to the "real" peeps that surround you??

 

And "yes"......you are a little cray... We are all a little cray though.... It's what makes us interesting....yes???

[deadsoul]

Thanks friend. I needed that...I'm actually lucky... I have a couple of close friends IRL who know my entire situation and love me anyway and don't judge.

 

Ask away... you know I will answer if I can.

[Back2Good]

Lucky!!! I can't talk to any "RLF" about all this. I'm thankful you have those people you can open up to!!!

I have no doubt you'll answer questions. I'll see if I can come up with a way to frame up my questions. I just wonder if your mind ticks like mine. I know it's silly....I just don't want to be judged on here. (Why should I care..?)

Your valleys are seemingly similar to mine. I can now crawl out of them fairly quickly. ......when I choose to.

I have more feedback to provide relating to your "relapse" post. I'll try tomorrow once I'm in my office.

 

I hope our friend Jenkins is ok....he's been absent.

[Back2Good]

Thanks friend. I needed that...I'm actually lucky... I have a couple of close friends IRL who know my entire situation and love me anyway and don't judge.

 

Ask away... you know I will answer if I can.

 

Why were you struggling do you think? Were you struggling because you were having a weak moment and missing HIM…..or is it something else you were missing? Do you maybe just miss the excitement? The adrenaline rush that comes from an A? Or is it HIM that you miss and makes you struggle? Were/Are you addicted to the affair aspect…?? (asking for a friend)

 

I’m a million miles past were I was before I found this MB. “Limerence” is my new favorite word. Once I realized what I was experiencing….I was able to let the healing begin….and finally start taking the steps to move forward. I ACTUALLY thought I was out of the woods with her…and her memory haunting me. I wasn’t constantly thinking about her….although there was that “hmmmmmm…..” But I wasn’t focused on her…. Wondering what she was doing. I wasn’t fantasizing about her. I was moving on… And then, BAM!!....I had a relapse last week….and those feelings surfaced. They are not as intense though. I just go back to my list of the negative aspects of the A. Just simple things like, it’s nice not having to watch my phone in case she reaches out to me. It’s just nice not being where I was emotionally during the A. And as I recall all of the negative aspects of the affair….and how I’m much more happier now that it’s over….. WHY….oh WHY then did I relapse and allow my thoughts to “go there” with my xAP and fantasize about her??? The A did not make me happy…. I didn’t feel “whole”… I was miserable while in it…..and I didn’t even know it. But NOW I DO know…and I know better. Just confused why I found myself longing for her. So after reading your post about your relapse…it made me start to explore these feelings I’ve been having lately. I have issues I think. I’m trying to figure out,… was I in love with HER…..or was I in love with the affair? I think maybe both. She is a wonderful person…(again, sans the fact she was cheating with me)….and even though I had fallen for her….I knew we did not belong together as life partners. But she wasn’t just a fk either. Not by a long shot. I would have felt the same about her without the sex. But now that I’ve strayed….??....what’s my risk of repeating? And WHY DID I STRAY??? Dammit. I’ve been singing from the hilltops on here about how great it is that I’m “all-in” with my wife now….and “boy howdy did I learn such a valuable lesson….and glad to be out of my affair.” I was wisely informed from others on here that I can’t be “all-in” until I confess to her. I rejected those claims…and shrugged it off with “yeah…you don’t know me….blah, blah, blah…” Well,…..dammit….it’s true. I’m not “all-in.” I wasn’t lying when I said I was “all-in” earlier in this thread. It’s just that I really thought I was. But I’m not. And I have to admit that. I promised you Soul…..that if she asks about the affair….if I was “in one” during those years I was gone….I won’t lie to her. I promise you….I won’t. But I have to be real with myself… I’m NOT “all-in”….and I can’t be until I work out some issues I have underneath. Am I addicted to lust??? (spoiler alert….yes.) Will I cheat again…now that I’ve done it once….will I become a serial cheater? I don’t think so….and I sure don’t aim to….but why did I with my xAP. It’s not like she’s the only opportunity I had. I was never interested in cheating before my xAP. I had many MW tell me straight up…. “let’s just have some fun…no one needs to know….” I’ve had women give me pictures. But I’m just like, “…nah nah, honey I'm good…..I've got somebody at home, and if I stay I might not leave alone…” A girl (MW) I work with and used to travel with for work….used to push real hard for “fooling around.” She even once told me; “..ok…if you won’t f me….then at least let me put my mouth on you….” <--I told my wife btw… There are other examples… What’s the point of me telling you this..??....Am I bragging? NO….we ALL have opportunity for side-action. I’m telling you this to demonstrate that I’m not a tail-chaser and I’m not out just looking to get my rocks off…. I rejected those advances because I was married….and I loved my wife and I was satisfied. I’m telling you this because I’m demonstrating I know how to say “no..” So what makes my one and only AP different? Was it b/c I loved her? I don’t know. So here’s my confession…. Now that I’ve crossed that line……will I do it again? I’m afraid I will…..with the right person…..and I DON’T want to… But I’m weak…..and think I just have lust in my heart. I think my affair uncovered my lust perhaps…. Lust means excitement….adrenaline rush…. And isn’t lust part of Limerence? Both are false forms of emotion. I have no doubt (good band btw) that I’ll move past my xAP now. I have the tools and knowledge…..thanks LS…..so yes, I’ll move on… Oh,…..I am ashamed to tell you…..but did you know that I actually considered having an affair with a (willing) co-worker…who looks similar to my xAP…..to help me get over my ended affair? Oh boy,…that’s hard to type…. But I’ll just leave this here and say it again. I considered having an affair to help me get over my ended affair. Yup….sure did. I didn’t…..I still could though… So…..there it is folks. Four (4) takeaways: 1-My heart is full of Lust. 2-I’m not “all-in” like I thought. 3-I’m possibly an A addict. 4-I am a bonafide selfish dick….(but we already knew that.)

 

As I’ve been told…my sweet wife deserves better. She's a beautiful person...inside and out. Patient. Kind. Giving. What the hell is wrong with me. Am I the only monster on here? I'll tell you this much as well,.... I don’t want my daughter to grow up and marry a man like me. I should not only have to wear a scarlet letter….. I should also have tattooed on my forehead a warning… “…Don’t get too close….It’s dark inside….It’s where my demons hide…”

[jenkins95]

Struggling a bit today guys... Is this normal? I really felt I was in a good place and sometimes... sometimes it just all gets to me again. Everything.

 

The good thing is I just have to ride it out and it will pass. It's hard to admit that I'm struggling... but here it is...

 

Sorry to read you were struggling the other day (((ds))).

 

Please know from someone who is two years out: THIS IS NORMAL!

 

100% normal, I promise! It still happens to me, but less often, less intense and doesn't last as long.

 

You are doing amazingly well ds, no question and I promise it will get better and better if you stick to your course. Are you feeling a little better 2 days after you wrote this?

 

I see there are several juicy updates from you and B2G (Hi B2G!). This is one of those "just passing through" posts as I don't have much time today, but I can't wait to come back and read all the updates thoroughly and add my thoughts.

 

I didn't think I'd have time to write at all, but I just had to respond to this one. Hate to see a friend in distress and I know exactly where this post comes from ds! Been there many times myself and I know it absoltuley sucks! It won't always be like this.

 

Take care "dudes" (I love it!), back soon!

Edited September 6, 2017 by jenkins95

[deadsoul]

Why were you struggling do you think?

 

I got triggered.

 

Were you struggling because you were having a weak moment and missing HIM…..or is it something else you were missing?

Yes

 

Do you maybe just miss the excitement?

 

Yes. Definitely

 

The adrenaline rush that comes from an A?

Yes. It felt good even though it was bad.

 

 

Or is it HIM that you miss and makes you struggle?

There are things about him that I miss that I still don't get at home

 

 

Were/Are you addicted to the affair aspect…??

I was addicted to the feelings I had when things were good. (asking for a friend) <--- really?? ?

 

I’m a million miles past were I was before I found this MB. “Limerence” is my new favorite word. Once I realized what I was experiencing….I was able to let the healing begin….and finally start taking the steps to move forward. I ACTUALLY thought I was out of the woods with her…and her memory haunting me. I wasn’t constantly thinking about her….although there was that “hmmmmmm…..” But I wasn’t focused on her…. Wondering what she was doing. I wasn’t fantasizing about her. I was moving on… And then, BAM!!....I had a relapse last week….and those feelings surfaced. They are not as intense though. I just go back to my list of the negative aspects of the A

 

I learned this from you. I now have "the list"

 

Just simple things like, it’s nice not having to watch my phone in case she reaches out to me. It’s just nice not being where I was emotionally during the A. And as I recall all of the negative aspects of the affair….and how I’m much more happier now that it’s over….. WHY….oh WHY then did I relapse and allow my thoughts to “go there” with my xAP and fantasize about her??? The A did not make me happy…. I didn’t feel “whole”… I was miserable while in it…..and I didn’t even know it. But NOW I DO know…and I know better. Just confused why I found myself longing for her.

 

Yes. All this. Exactly.

 

 

So after reading your post about your relapse…it made me start to explore these feelings I’ve been having lately. I have issues I think. I’m trying to figure out,… was I in love with HER…..or was I in love with the affair? I think maybe both. She is a wonderful person…(again, sans the fact she was cheating with me)….and even though I had fallen for her….I knew we did not belong together as life partners. But she wasn’t just a fk either. Not by a long shot. I would have felt the same about her without the sex. But now that I’ve strayed….??....what’s my risk of repeating? And WHY DID I STRAY??? Dammit. I’ve been singing from the hilltops on here about how great it is that I’m “all-in” with my wife now….and “boy howdy did I learn such a valuable lesson….and glad to be out of my affair.” I was wisely informed from others on here that I can’t be “all-in” until I confess to her. I rejected those claims…and shrugged it off with “yeah…you don’t know me….blah, blah, blah…” Well,…..dammit….it’s true. I’m not “all-in.” I wasn’t lying when I said I was “all-in” earlier in this thread. It’s just that I really thought I was. But I’m not. And I have to admit that.

 

I know everyone says confess. But I'm not sure I agree that you aren't all in. I need to think about that more.

 

I promised you Soul…..that if she asks about the affair….if I was “in one” during those years I was gone….I won’t lie to her. I promise you….I won’t. But I have to be real with myself… I’m NOT “all-in”….and I can’t be until I work out some issues I have underneath.

 

This exactly. Working on those issues makes you all in.

 

 

Am I addicted to lust??? (spoiler alert….yes.)

Me too

 

 

Will I cheat again…now that I’ve done it once….will I become a serial cheater? I don’t think so….and I sure don’t aim to….but why did I with my xAP. It’s not like she’s the only opportunity I had. I was never interested in cheating before my xAP. I had many MW tell me straight up…. “let’s just have some fun…no one needs to know….” I’ve had women give me pictures. But I’m just like, “…nah nah, honey I'm good…..I've got somebody at home, and if I stay I might not leave alone…” A girl (MW) I work with and used to travel with for work….used to push real hard for “fooling around.” She even once told me; “..ok…if you won’t f me….then at least let me put my mouth on you….” <--I told my wife btw… There are other examples… What’s the point of me telling you this..??....Am I bragging? NO….we ALL have opportunity for side-action. I’m telling you this to demonstrate that I’m not a tail-chaser and I’m not out just looking to get my rocks off…. I rejected those advances because I was married….and I loved my wife and I was satisfied. I’m telling you this because I’m demonstrating I know how to say “no..” So what makes my one and only AP different? Was it b/c I loved her? I don’t know. So here’s my confession…. Now that I’ve crossed that line……will I do it again? I’m afraid I will…..with the right person…..and I DON’T want to… But I’m weak…..and think I just have lust in my heart. I think my affair uncovered my lust perhaps…. Lust means excitement….adrenaline rush…. And isn’t lust part of Limerence? Both are false forms of emotion.

 

Knowing this and having an awareness will keep you making the right choices. Make that choice every day to not cheat. But saying you'll never do it again? Foolish and empty words in my book. I've already proven I will. So that's stupid for me to say I won't. It's my actions that count.

 

I have no doubt (good band btw)(agree)

 

that I’ll move past my xAP now. I have the tools and knowledge…..thanks LS…..so yes, I’ll move on… Oh,…..I am ashamed to tell you…..but did you know that I actually considered having an affair with a (willing) co-worker…who looks similar to my xAP…..to help me get over my ended affair? Oh boy,…that’s hard to type…. But I’ll just leave this here and say it again. I considered having an affair to help me get over my ended affair. Yup….sure did. I didn’t…..I still could though… So…..there it is folks. Four (4) takeaways: 1-My heart is full of Lust. 2-I’m not “all-in” like I thought. 3-I’m possibly an A addict. 4-I am a bonafide selfish dick….(but we already knew that.)

 

 

I don't agree with 4. You may have acted like a dick, but you aren't now so you aren't. So yeah there's a difference. This is about esteem for you as well. We can hate ourselves for what we've done (believe me I'm my harshest judge) or we can hate our actions and make choices to do better.

 

 

As I’ve been told…my sweet wife deserves better. She's a beautiful person...inside and out. Patient. Kind. Giving. What the hell is wrong with me. Am I the only monster on here? I'll tell you this much as well,.... I don’t want my daughter to grow up and marry a man like me. I should not only have to wear a scarlet letter….. I should also have tattooed on my forehead a warning… “…Don’t get too close….It’s dark inside….It’s where my demons hide…”

 

Yes my demons are alive and well too. But I'm aware of them. And I acknowledge them now.

 

I have so much more to say but I'm on my phone so more later.

 

Jenkins, I also have some comments on your post but I leave you with thanks dude. You always know what I need to hear when I'm down. And yes. Much better today.

[deadsoul]

BTG? Jenks? Dudes?

 

How are things?

[Back2Good]

BTG? Jenks? Dudes?

 

How are things?

 

Hi Soul!!!....aka Dudette!!

 

*Things* are okay...

I've had a lot of questions I wanted to ask you recently. Regarding your confession. I know you'll oblige to any question I throw at ya....I just need to think through what I need to do.

Recovery wise....peeks and valleys. I've stated before that I think she'll make contact with me. Been thinking about that. I hope she doesn't. I'm at a point that I've got nothing to say to her. It is what it is....and we are both better off.

 

How are YOU tho Soul?? I get strength from your courage and ability to communicate in such raw awesomeness your experiences. You've been so helpful turning on lights in my mind. You and Jenks both.

 

I hope you're having an amazing weekend.