Mapper71 Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 My H's daughter (19) is coming up next week to go to a concert with him and her friend. We haven't seen her in 10 months, but apparently she is a full-on pot smoker now (like that's a surprise) and she was telling H how she bought a "dab pipe". I have no idea what that is, but she is bringing it with her and they can all smoke! AWESOME! Her friend is 21 so I'm sure they'll be drinking as well. And H is totally cool with everything. He told me "not to judge her". Oh my judgement on her was made years ago and I think it's pretty spot on! What parent would just be cool with his kid blatantly smoking pot in front of them and underage drinking? He isn't a parent to her, he's a buddy. Keeps telling me that she has no direction in her life and needs to go into the military, even though she has a job and is going to school. Yeah and you seem to condone the drinking and pot smoking which I'm sure are taking her places! Her mother doesn't do anything but be a buddy either and I'm sure their household is smoking pot openly as well. How do I deal with all that? I hate pot smoking. I hate smoking in general. Yes H does it, but now we have his daughter and a friend, guests in the home who seem to have no issue smoking in front of us. H won't even be around that night when they get here so it will just be me and them all night. He doesn't have an issue with her drinking either. So I guess I just let them do whatever they want while they are here, because I'm "not supposed to judge" and he doesn't want me to get upset about anything and just be chill with them. God forbid someone in the house be a parent! Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 You definitely should not smoke pot or anything else, since you hate it very much. Problem solved. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 I'd leave for the weekend. If there's going to be drinking by someone who is underage going on under your roof, you could get in trouble. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 why don't you try asking them not to smoke in front of you because it's rude and disrespectful 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Globug Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 No oe is allowed to bring anything or do anything illegal at my home. It is not being rude it is having boundaries for your home. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted August 18, 2017 Author Share Posted August 18, 2017 Oh what the parent H was to his daughter when she and her friend came up 2 days ago! Daughter is 19 and friend is 21. Haven't seen her in almost a year. He had no problem letting them smoke pot in the house (before I got home and after I went to bed) and told me he said to them "Have at the whiskey" and it was noticeably less in the morning. I asked him if she is going back to school this fall and he goes "I believe/hope so". You didn't even ask her about school?! We have no idea where she's at seeing as how she didn't attend the last 2 years of high school but did some online stuff and then went to the community college while she was still in high school (but apparently not really "in" high school) and took Running Start classes but never got her high school degree due to not taking some classes, but somehow still got into college. Now we don't know if she has her HS degree or where she's at in community college. All he ever says to her is "You should join the military and get your nursing degree through there". He never wants to ask her about what her current schooling is but rams it into her head that she needs to go into the military when she wants nothing to do with it. Keeps saying that she needs to get away from her mom and do her own thing because her mom isn't doing her any favors. Oh and you are parent of the year? Encouraging her pot smoking and underage drinking and seemingly not interested enough to know if she's going to school because asking her gets her upset?! Being her buddy because you only see her once a year and letting her do whatever because you don't want to cause a riff?! Link to post Share on other sites
jnel921 Posted August 19, 2017 Share Posted August 19, 2017 If you read through my thread you will see that pot smoking led my 19yr old daughter to nothing but problems and right now we are on the road to becoming estranged. Its a shame that he sees her once a year and thinks this is great and wants to smoke as a family? wtf? I wonder how her mom feels. Has this been a struggle for her, especially raising her? My Ex H, her dad didn't help her situation at all. A total enabler. He doesn't smoke but he would minimize the severity of her actions and her smoking. Everything he did undermined me. In the end she had no respect for me or my H. Its your home too. Don't let them disrespect your home or drink your liquor. You can tell them all to get out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 You'll have to set the rules moving forward, since your H is more concerned with 'paying' her to love him. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 Well you are the victim of your own decisions... of which you keep choosing to stay with him. So suck it up buttercup - the only one to change things is you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 He isn't encouraging anything. She hasn't been to your home in a year and already had the dab pipe in her possession. She'd be doing it regardless. And newsflash....he can't be father of the year if she only visits you guys once in a year. I think you should just divorce these people already. You obviously can't stand them. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 (edited) she is not your child though, and unless you discussed parenting upon getting together you can not justify having input of any kind now be careful, for you do not want to appear jealous of his past as manifests via his daughter's presence they might even all prefer each other to you, might, unless you stop insisting ... Edited August 22, 2017 by darkmoon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 she is not your child though, and unless you discussed parenting upon getting together you can not justify having input of any kind now be careful, for you do not want to appear jealous of his past as manifests via his daughter's presence they might even all prefer each other to you, might, unless you stop insisting ... I really hope that Mapper hasn't sabotaged their relationship. She doesn't really seem to have much of an interest in SD other than to criticize her and I fear she has driven a wedge between them over the years. It wouldn't surprise me although that would be really very sad. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 My rule of thumb is that parenting (i.e. rules and discipline, etc.) is left to the parent, not the step-parent. That said, I wouldn't want something illegal going on in my house. The fact that some people think it's "a dumb law" wouldn't enter into it. If I knew illegal activities were going on in a home I was paying for, I'd insist they stop, or I would call the police. I think it is dumb for a town I go through on my commute to have a 35mph speed limit (it's a 4 lane highway!). But if I get pulled over going 50, I bet "I think this law is dumb and unfair" won't get me out of the ticket Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 I'm going to refrain from giving my opinion about the underage drinking (although in Canada 19 is legal) and pot smoking because I'm more interested in finding out what exactly your problem is with his daughter. You said your "judgement on her was made years ago". What was it you judged about her? Something is off here and I sense there is some major resentment directed towards his daughter. I think your disapproval of the pot smoking and drinking is more of an excuse of something much bigger here. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HarmonyDriven Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 H won't even be around that night when they get here so it will just be me and them all night. WOW!!!! This is YOUR home too. H is disrespecting you as is the step daughter. At the very least, H should be at home when the daughter and friend are staying there. IMO, I would tell them no pot/drinking in my house. Period. Your H won't be there so his daughter and friend can go hang out somewhere else....until he gets home. Ughhhh....not a good situation at all. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 No oe is allowed to bring anything or do anything illegal at my home. Not singling you out, but using your post since it expresses the same thing expressed by others. Whether or not any of this is illegal really depends on location. 29 states allow underage alcohol consumption on private property with parental permission. 6 additional states allow minors to consume alcohol on private property without parental permission. Depending on where OP lives, a 19 year old drinking at her fathers home with his permission may not even be illegal. The pot use is the same. Depending where they live, the pot use may also be legal or quasi-legal. Here, in my city, less than one ounce is legal. In neighboring cities, it depends. And, in case anyone is wondering, dabs are concentrated pot about the consistency of Vaseline. Link to post Share on other sites
Globug Posted August 28, 2017 Share Posted August 28, 2017 Not singling you out, but using your post since it expresses the same thing expressed by others. Whether or not any of this is illegal really depends on location. 29 states allow underage alcohol consumption on private property with parental permission. 6 additional states allow minors to consume alcohol on private property without parental permission. Depending on where OP lives, a 19 year old drinking at her fathers home with his permission may not even be illegal. The pot use is the same. Depending where they live, the pot use may also be legal or quasi-legal. Here, in my city, less than one ounce is legal. In neighboring cities, it depends. And, in case anyone is wondering, dabs are concentrated pot about the consistency of Vaseline. I don't mind you quoting me. I just wish I had not misspelled a word. LOLOL I am aware of this. In fact my DH allowed my SS to drink in our home after a certain age & it was legal and I said nothing though I did not agree with it. All I was trying to say is it is ok to have boundaries and rules in your home that applies to EVERYONE and does not mean you are trying to parent your step child. Pot is not legal in my state and it is not allowed in my house. Some of my friends smoke pot & they still out of respect of my boundaries do not bring it to my house. Even if it was legal I would not let them smoke it in my home just like I don't let people smoke cigarettes in my home because I don't like the smell. I have a nice little area on the deck with lighters & ashtrays for my friends that smoke cigs. I was just trying to state it is ok to have rules in her home & where I am adamant is if it is illegal in my state. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted August 28, 2017 Share Posted August 28, 2017 You only have so much control over your kids once they are past the age of 18... she is an adult. I'm not saying he should enable her, but it's not like she is 12 years old. America is probably the only country in the world with a legal drinking age of 21, I personally think it's the most ridiculous thing ever, so don't get me started on it. As for pot smoking, while not a smoker myself, I'm highly in favor of legalization, which will be happening across Canada real soon, so again it doesn't really bother me that he is "letting her" do it. He's a terrible father and husband but not for the reasons listed above. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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