Am I Asking For Trouble?

[Lauradlou]

I am really sorry about your situation and I think it is so smart of you to reach out to some professionals to help! Good for you, I think that is a step in the right direction and I know it may be hard. I think honesty is always best and so you should tell him. I will be praying for you!

[Lovelorn00]

Okay... I know he's busy. I know he's living his life, and I need to be living mine (and I do), but is it ever okay to just flat-out ask for reassurance in situations like these?

 

I'm in an LDR with an extremely busy person. I won't go into detail about his job, but let's just say it's unique and requires him to be pretty active most of the day. We've been seeing each other for a few months now, and I've noticed a bit of a decrease in the amount of text communication we have (no, that's not the only form of communication we use).

 

I'm an anxious person, so I immediately assume that he's losing interest. After all, that's how every guy I've ever dated has shown that he's lost interest. Decreased text messaging is always the first step.

 

Instead of driving myself crazy with all of the questions swirling about in my brain, should I just ask him directly? Not in an accusatory way, of course, but more like, "Hey... I think I might be misinterpreting our communication frequency lately. Are we okay?"

 

I feel that, in an LDR, it's pretty normal to want this type of reassurance every now and then,right? LDRs are tough. But I also know that asking these types of questions goes against the dating rules in a pretty major way, because it shows neediness.

 

So, is asking this question asking for trouble?

[salparadise]

I'd say it's normal and expected that the frequency would trail off a bit after a few months. Are you initiating or just waiting to hear from him, along with having these expectations? If you aren't initiating I think you should be, and that way you're taking some responsibility for how often you communicate. I wouldn't ask the question unless it has dropped off severely. If you're communicating once day––talking or texting––after work I wouldn't think much of it. It's too much to feel like you have to be constantly texting. Only if you're texting and not hearing back for quite some time would I be concerned.

[Gaeta]

When is the long distance ending?

[Lovelorn00]

I'd say it's normal and expected that the frequency would trail off a bit after a few months. Are you initiating or just waiting to hear from him, along with having these expectations? If you aren't initiating I think you should be, and that way you're taking some responsibility for how often you communicate. I wouldn't ask the question unless it has dropped off severely. If you're communicating once day––talking or texting––after work I wouldn't think much of it. It's too much to feel like you have to be constantly texting. Only if you're texting and not hearing back for quite some time would I be concerned.

 

We're both still initiating. Probably equally. It hasn't dropped off severely, rather, the amount of time we spend on any one particular subject has shortened. Before, we could have full, lengthy conversations. Now, it's all short and brief. And yes, there are times when I won't hear back at all. To be fair, he was like this when I first met him, so that's really nothing new. I'd ask a direct question, and I won't get a respond back until hours later (or the next day, if it's late at night). Most of the time, he never bothers to answer the question, unless I ask it again. His communication habits are VERY different than mine, so it's really been a struggle trying to wrap my head around it.

[Lovelorn00]

When is the long distance ending?

 

February of next year.

[Gaeta]

Back in May you were saying his communication was slowing down. You also had a series of red-flags like he doesn't ask personal questions about you and that he is very active on social media while he doesn't answer your communication.

 

Women are really their own worse ennemy. When we suffer from anxiety like you do we don't go date a guy living long distance and a guy that puts social media above his girlfriend.

 

I don't know what to tell you except value yourself a little more and find yourself a nice local guy that will take you out every weekend, that will sleep next to you 4 times a week and that is passed his phase of feeding his FB wall before caring for his gf.

 

How long did you date before he left? How long has he been gone?

[basil67]

A LDR is a Really Bad choice for an anxious person. But if you really must put yourself through it, read on.

 

I am against asking these types of questions not because of neediness, but because it gives away your power. And as an anxious person, you need to make decisions which keep you in control of your own destiny. There is nothing more anxiety inducing than feeling out of control.

 

Instead of asking him how he feels, tell him how you feel and what you need. And DON'T say anything which puts you in the place of making assumptions of his feelings. (avoid "when you don't text, I feel like you're losing interest).

 

First of all, figure out if the amount of texting you want is overkill. (we can help you with that). If it's not overkill AND you know that he's not too busy at work to text you, you could start out by saying that you really miss his messages. You could tell him that those texts help you to feel secure in the relationship. If he understands you and ups his efforts, then you've solved the problem.

 

If he doesn't change and you can't accept the lower contact, then YOU end the relationship. What he thinks or feels doesn't come into the equation if you're not happy. Don't hand the decision of whether or not to stay or go to someone else.

[d0nnivain]

The pace of texting is irrelevant to most things. Personally in a healthy relationship I think it should go down in favor of deeper forms of communication In an LDR that means real phone calls & some skype / facetime.

 

If you are getting those don't worry about the texting.

[basil67]

When we suffer from anxiety like you do we don't go date a guy living long distance and a guy that puts social media above his girlfriend.

 

This ^^

 

I can only reiterate how important it is for you to make wise choices which make your life easier.

[basil67]

Before, we could have full, lengthy conversations. Now, it's all short and brief.

 

Text is the perfect vehicle for short and brief. It's far too cumbersome and time consuming for full, lengthy conversations.

 

I mentioned that you should first gauge whether or not your expectations are realistic. In this particular aspect, it would be wise to take on board that wanting long text conversation is NOT realistic.

[Chilli]

Could be fading but it's hard to say ,could be sick of texting too , lotta people just can't be bothered with it.

Is he still keen on phone calls , skype whatever, does he still say all the nice things and feelings and miss you's and stuff, it depends how he is with the rest of it.

 

Me ,l'm not one for holding sh@t back ,if l got something on my mind l try to sort it and l love my women being straight with me too so you asking wouldn't bother me at all. No bs,l like it all on the table myself.

 

But if all the rest is dwindling away too , then yeah he might be fading off on you l think Depends on all of that too though.

[Lovelorn00]

Back in May you were saying his communication was slowing down. You also had a series of red-flags like he doesn't ask personal questions about you and that he is very active on social media while he doesn't answer your communication.

 

Women are really their own worse ennemy. When we suffer from anxiety like you do we don't go date a guy living long distance and a guy that puts social media above his girlfriend.

 

I don't know what to tell you except value yourself a little more and find yourself a nice local guy that will take you out every weekend, that will sleep next to you 4 times a week and that is passed his phase of feeding his FB wall before caring for his gf.

 

How long did you date before he left? How long has he been gone?

 

I think those red flags that I mentioned earlier have since gone away. He IS very active on social media (he kinda has to be, for his job), but he no longer will post something without replying to me as well. I never said anything about it. He just doesn't do it anymore. He also asks me more personal questions now. We dated for about a month before he left. He's been gone for 3 months, but again, we'll be able to see each other longer term in February, so that's primarily why I'm still holding on.

[Lovelorn00]

The pace of texting is irrelevant to most things. Personally in a healthy relationship I think it should go down in favor of deeper forms of communication In an LDR that means real phone calls & some skype / facetime.

 

If you are getting those don't worry about the texting.

 

Thanks, D0nnivain. In the past few weeks, we've definitely increased the amount of time we talk on the phone and also FaceTime. He's even admitted that he hates talking on the phone, but he calls me often.

[Gaeta]

I think those red flags that I mentioned earlier have since gone away. He IS very active on social media (he kinda has to be, for his job), but he no longer will post something without replying to me as well. I never said anything about it. He just doesn't do it anymore. He also asks me more personal questions now. We dated for about a month before he left. He's been gone for 3 months, but again, we'll be able to see each other longer term in February, so that's primarily why I'm still holding on.

 

You have to be realistic and keep in the back of your mind that 1 month of real time may not be enough to sustain an absence of 9 months.

[Lovelorn00]

A LDR is a Really Bad choice for an anxious person. But if you really must put yourself through it, read on.

 

I am against asking these types of questions not because of neediness, but because it gives away your power. And as an anxious person, you need to make decisions which keep you in control of your own destiny. There is nothing more anxiety inducing than feeling out of control.

 

Instead of asking him how he feels, tell him how you feel and what you need. And DON'T say anything which puts you in the place of making assumptions of his feelings. (avoid "when you don't text, I feel like you're losing interest).

 

First of all, figure out if the amount of texting you want is overkill. (we can help you with that). If it's not overkill AND you know that he's not too busy at work to text you, you could start out by saying that you really miss his messages. You could tell him that those texts help you to feel secure in the relationship. If he understands you and ups his efforts, then you've solved the problem.

 

If he doesn't change and you can't accept the lower contact, then YOU end the relationship. What he thinks or feels doesn't come into the equation if you're not happy. Don't hand the decision of whether or not to stay or go to someone else.

 

Thanks for the suggestions! I do indeed give positive reinforcement whenever he does text me, but I think I may need to be more direct with it. I personally don't feel like I'm asking for too much, especially at night, when I know he's not working. Things like, "Your texts make my day!" Or "I get really esxcifed when I hear from you!" I've been doing that for a while now, but I still get sense the decline in communication. But, as another person pointed out, that could just be the normal flow of a relationship at this stage. I've never really considered that option.

 

And yes, I'm kicking myself for ending up in this situation, but here I am. I never intended to fall for someone who lived so far away (does anyone?), yet here I am. In fact, as much as I've dated, I've managed to avoid the dreaded LDR until now. This guy seems to possess a lot of the qualities I'm looking for in a partner, so I figured it was worth it.

[Lovelorn00]

Could be fading but it's hard to say ,could be sick of texting too , lotta people just can't be bothered with it.

Is he still keen on phone calls , skype whatever, does he still say all the nice things and feelings and miss you's and stuff, it depends how he is with the rest of it.

 

Me ,l'm not one for holding sh@t back ,if l got something on my mind l try to sort it and l love my women being straight with me too so you asking wouldn't bother me at all. No bs,l like it all on the table myself.

 

But if all the rest is dwindling away too , then yeah he might be fading off on you l think Depends on all of that too though.

 

It's sooooooo hard to tell, that's why it's so frustrating. lol Yes, he been calling more and we do still FaceTime. He is still sweet says nice, flirty things. But, honestly, I've had guys do that to me up until they dump me. They hide it very well until they're ready to pull the rug from underneath me. That's why my brain is so anxious to prepare for it now. There's no worse feeling than when a guy is all lovey dovey one day, and then dumps me the next day. That's why I try so hard to look for signs that it's coming. It sucks when it comes outta nowhere.

[Gaeta]

Lovelorn00 what will be, will be.

 

Anxiety is about worrying about tomorrow, worrying is about wanting to control, and the control of this is out of your hands. You need to repeat to yourself 'what will be, will be'. If he loses interest you'll be just fine. Sure it will suck and you'll cry a bit but it won't change anything in your life. You'll be the same girl and free to find someone better suited.

[Lovelorn00]

Lovelorn00 what will be, will be.

 

Anxiety is about worrying about tomorrow, worrying is about wanting to control, and the control of this is out of your hands. You need to repeat to yourself 'what will be, will be'. If he loses interest you'll be just fine. Sure it will suck and you'll cry a bit but it won't change anything in your life. You'll be the same girl and free to find someone better suited.

 

Ah, this is true. This is what I'm trying to get my anxious brain to understand. :/

[Popsicle]

Ask him. He's either going to be sweet or be an ass and then you'll have your answer.

[Lovelorn00]

Ask him. He's either going to be sweet or be an ass and then you'll have your answer.

 

I wish it was that simple. lol Sure, he could be sweet at first. Most dudes aren't going to be *******s with a question like that. But the fact that I asked it may make him run. I always feel like I have to walk on egg shells with me. Any little sign of being an imperfect human, and they run the other way.

[Popsicle]

Most dudes aren't going to be *******s with a question like that.

 

You underestimate dudes. Some get downright nasty and hostile if you even approach acting "needy" or "insecure".

[d0nnivain]

Thanks, D0nnivain. In the past few weeks, we've definitely increased the amount of time we talk on the phone and also FaceTime. He's even admitted that he hates talking on the phone, but he calls me often.

 

Try to focus on the fact that the quality of the communication is improving.

 

It's sooooooo hard to tell, that's why it's so frustrating. lol Yes, he been calling more and we do still FaceTime. He is still sweet says nice, flirty things. But, honestly, I've had guys do that to me up until they dump me. They hide it very well until they're ready to pull the rug from underneath me. That's why my brain is so anxious to prepare for it now. There's no worse feeling than when a guy is all lovey dovey one day, and then dumps me the next day. That's why I try so hard to look for signs that it's coming. It sucks when it comes outta nowhere.

 

I wish it was that simple. lol Sure, he could be sweet at first. Most dudes aren't going to be *******s with a question like that. But the fact that I asked it may make him run. I always feel like I have to walk on egg shells with me. Any little sign of being an imperfect human, and they run the other way.

 

 

You are insecure & you are projecting. You acting like a skittish untrusting perfectionist is what sabotages your relationships. Try to calm down. When you keep looking for these "signs" you are sure to find them because your behavior causes them.

[LovelyRose]

Hi OP,

 

I saw your comment on another post that it still not working out for you.

 

I've suffered anxiety before but was lucky enough to fight it all on my own. I am in an LDR myself and also my first time.

 

Donnivain really nailed it. Please read it over and over again. I also suggest you read my threads.

 

My guy is not a texter. He used to disappear for a whole day or two and it drove me nuts. My cousin (who is his best friend) even vouched for him. He does disappear on everybody. But now he's gotten better. He also doesn't call me everyday because by the time he is home he's beat. He calls me about 4-5 times a week. Now he basically just greets me good morning and the amount of text we will exchange throughout the day will depend on my replies. If I keep texting him he will respond but if I leave him alone then I won't hear from him through out the day. He responds usually every 2-4 hours but sometimes he just doesn't until he is off.

 

Sometimes he will come home from work then just pass out for the remainder of the day so I won't hear from him until the next day. All real conversation between us happens through our phone calls and when we are together. I see him once every 3 weeks. How often do you see each other?

 

I will admit I still don't like that we don't text as much as I would want to but I do my best not to focus on that. He has so many great qualities and treats me really good that it just balance out. When we are together I'm in heaven, lol.

 

You're seeing red flags because you want to see it and you are convincing yourself you guys have an issue. Because you did say that those subtle red flags before are Now gone and he is calling you more. I would prefer daily calls over constant texting.

 

We can tell you how to approach him and what to say but we don't know him. If your guy really cares for you he will listen to you. I have gone off on my guy to the point he was angry but it didn't scare him away.

 

Stop walking on egg shells. I've done that and it doesn't feel good. DON'T tell him what to do but DO tell him what you want and how you feel. Ask him if what you want is reasonable to him. If he has an issue then you discuss what could be your meeting point. Like Gaeta said, value yourself. So if this guy runs away because you have expressed your feelings about your communication pattern, then he isn't meant for you.

 

My guy is allergic to serious talks but he tells me to ALWAYS tell him what's on my mind and what's bothering me.

 

Appreciate and focus on the fact that he calls you despite the fact that he hates doing it. When you are together how does he make you feel? Focus on those great things. You said it yourself, you didnt want LDR but you saw something in him that made it all worthwhile.

[Imajerk17]

February of next year.

 

February is 6 months away though--a LONG time for someone you have only known in person a month.

 

Meanwhile even if things were GREAT long-distance, it will all change completely when you are back LIVING in the same place. I mean, it could be better could be worse but it will be DIFFERENT. A couple may have sizzling conversations online or on the phone for months, or even have terrific weekends meeting up, but then they often see after one week back living in the same zip code that there really isn't anything there anymore.

 

And I hadn't even mentioned yet the specific issues on your LDR that you brought up yourself--anxious personality, you hardly feel like a priority to him these days....

 

So to answer your original question in your thread title, YES, you ARE asking for trouble, and not so much about wanting reassurance, but instead about pursuing a long-distance relationship having spent so little time in person.

Edited August 22, 2017 by Imajerk17