Input wanted

[alm1817]

Our story so far...

I am 4 years older than my Wife, we got together when she was 16 and I was 20, she had never had intercourse until we started dating. Boyfriends before me got blow jobs hand jobs, but she claims that is it. After we were together for a few years, in early 1998 she started a new job an an auto dealer. She met a guy there who she started having feelings for. She decided we should separate and I was not interested, but respected her wishes. We were apart for about a year, during that time, I have no idea what sexual things she did, or didn't do. She tells me she didn't do anything, but I am not an idiot. When I press she would just get indignant, so I leave it alone. I tell her I want to know if she has doe as it excites me, I enjoy hearing about it, but to no avail. We ended up reconciling in 1999. She moved into my place. From my early 20's I have had HotWife/swinging desires or fantasies. I would discuss it with her, and she would listen but never showed interest into the lifestyle.

 

Fast forward to 2006 we get married, and have our first kid in 2007. 2 more kids by 2012. Then in 2013, something strange arose. I had bought her a new laptop to replace her old one. She asked me to setup the new laptop and transfer her itunes/photos/files etc to the new computer. I found a document file. It was a yahoo messenger archive. I don't think she even had a clue that her yahoo messenger was saving her conversations. So I read the file, it goes back to 2005. I see that in 2005 she was meeting with a local guy when I was out of town on business. Not sure how long it went on, but the meetings did happen. The file has nothing significant around the time we got married moving forward. So I think about it, this is years in the past we are now married 3 kids, and happy, but I cannot resist the temptation to question her.

 

So I question her about it one, night, she denies it, I then produce the proof. She then admits it was only a 1 weekend thing, but all she did was give him blow jobs and hand jobs, never had sex. So she then goes on being the victim being upset about how I invaded her privacy and she doesn't trust me, etc.. So I kinda just let it alone, periodically I would ask her to just fess up to everything, reminding her I love this stuff and I love her. She never claimed to do anything else. Did she? Didn't she? I have no idea. So from that time in 2013 to 2017, we continue to live monogamous vanilla lives. Happily I might add, no other incidents or flags I that I saw.

 

In March 2017 we are going out as a family to visit friends. She forgets her phone in the house and I was running in to grab something for the kids, she asks me to grab her phone. When picking up her phone she has a facebook messenger text, I see the name and its a guys name I do not recognize. So I read the message. Sexually charged message exchange between her and this guy. So I go to the car, hand her the phone and ask her who is this guy? She says oh its Jeremy, and he and I have been chatting since the old yahoo messenger days when I encouraged her to chat as a foreplay thing for us. When she says it, I do remember Jeremy and her chatting. I am like ok, that was like 10 years ago, this has been going on for 10 years unknown to me? Do I have anything to be concerned with because I read the messages... she says no, its all just fun talk and this is what you have been wanting for years anyway right? I agreed, she was right. It is what I wanted, just not quite the way I envisioned it going... I wait a few days and tell her I am ok with her chatting with this guy, but I would like to know the details and such. She says ok. After a few weeks, I ask her what they been talking about and she gives no details, just vague answers, life kids, work, etc. I said ok, I still want to know the details no matter how vague or hot. She says ok, I also told her to tell me if she exchanges pics with him or not. A few more days go by and now she is getting more possessive with her phone, taking into the bathroom and pretty much not leaving it out of her sight. Red flag, I wait a couple days for the opportunity to snoop, when I do I see she has been exchanging nude pics and videos with this guy. I casually ask her if they have been getting any heated talks or photo exchanges, she says no. I wait a while and I cant stand it anymore and I tell her she is a liar, I know you have been doing pics and videos with him. She still tried to deny, I tell her exactly what I saw, and she admits to 1 pic, I call her lie again, and she admits to more. I do know she hasn't met this guy, he lives in the midwest we are on west coast. What I don't understand is the need to lie when you are given freedom to do it? She says she was embarrassed to let me see what she has been doing, afraid I would judge her or lose respect for her. She says she this is a guilty pleasure and has no intent on it moving forward other than sexting.. She talks to him like she is a woman I do not know, she doesn't talk like that to me, never did. It is really bizarre to see the proof of what your wife is capable of when you don't think it is possible.

 

I told her this is her last chance, come clean with it all, anything moving forward I need to know about. I am probably just setting myself up for disappointment.

 

So over the past few months we have talked in very deep detail about making this a reality, and it will happen eventually. My wife is the type who needs to "friends" with a guy to even consider having sex with him, so the process is long. I assume after the first guy or 2 she will lower her rules on that, but either way I will support her.

 

She says she is interested, but the first time she wants to have sex with a guy alone, without my interference or any pressure on her to perform. Just want to be herself. This raises my anxiety and angst thru the roof.

[DKT3]

It's clear you you can't have the open (both sexual and communication wise) relationship you desire with this woman. My guess is she has been lying and cheating your entire relationship. It's hard to make an apple an orange.

[road]

Yes she has been cheating on you before she dumped you

for the auto dealer co-worker and many others.

 

You want the truth then schedule a polygraph test then

tell her the date and time of the appointment.

[JHandy]

From what you said - there is a huge mounting pile of known lies. She's leaving it open to cheat on you.

 

I think your marriage is done. You can do better.

 

I think you need to cut this off. I'm not one to recommend divorce. But she's not an honest person and the amount of work to get rid of the distrust is insurmountable.

 

I'm very sorry.

[OatsAndHall]

You have been dealing with a woman who has cheated and lied for nearly two decades now.. It is your marriage and your relationship but I know that I couldn't handle distrusting someone who is supposed to be my life partner. Especially if we have had children together. There are just lines that someone doesn't cross if they want to be in a healthy relationship and she has crossed them.

 

I have a female friend who tried to have an open marriage with her husband for about a year and she was miserable the whole time.

 

You move forward how you see fit but I would have divorce paperwork in her hands ASAP if I were in your shoes.

[alm1817]

Thank you all for your input, I have many things to consider. Please PM me if you have more to share or questions to ask.

[sandylee1]

She wants sexual experiences, either via text or in person, but doesn't want you to be a part of it.

 

I'm not sure why you're unable to see what's really obvious.

 

And I don't believe that she just gave BJs and hand jobs ...As a woman that would feel like being a prostitute or other sex worker.

 

Those men provided pleasure for her... She just doesn't want to tell you.

 

Your wife has presented a false version of herself to you. You catch her out, yet you refuse to believe it, because you'd rather not.

[BluesPower]

Thank you all for your input, I have many things to consider. Please PM me if you have more to share or questions to ask.

 

Don't know why you don't want to discuss on the thread... But you have to have 50 posts I think to get the PM feature. And the pay pal stuff is not working to buy a subscription.

 

Either way, we talk about a lot of stuff here so it is ok.

 

Problem that I see here is that you are really naïve. You have the hot wife fantasy/fetish and you have had one from the beginning of your marriage.

 

Now that is ironic. But yes she has been lying from the very beginning. Who knows how many men she has slept with.

 

I am not sure if it bothers you or not but is what has happened.

 

Why she won't come clean with you is a mystery. Should could be in love with one or more of her current lovers, but who really knows.

 

Problem is you don't even get to participate or watch, which is totally strange considering you are encouraging her to do this anyway.

 

I guess you are going to have to have some REAL talks with her and figure out what is actually going on.

 

Let us know what you find out...

[alm1817]

I did not realize there was no PM feature here. Sorry about that, I felt the need to post the private feature in case those who had experience or input could send to me without it being open.

[road]

We have no reasons to keep secrets here. It is how others

learn to handle life's problems.

[aileD]

You can't post till you have 50 posts. Or 25? One or the other.