Perpetual OW

[Dangerously Close]

It's been a long time Loveshack!

 

I was in an affair 11 yrs ago and posted about it here. It ended when I moved away. MM is still married. I talk to him and his wife (we were in a group of friends) on rare occasions. I got married. DH and I became swingers for a while. During that time I slept with MM who's wives did not know, but that was infrequent and against the "rules" DH and I set up. He knows about some, but not all. We stopped when we decided to have kids. We now have three kiddos.

 

Now: there is this "new" MM....I say "new" because he is not the one referred to in the previous paragraph, but on the other hand "new" is terribly wrong. I've known him for years. We are in the same business but do not live in the same city and so only crossed paths occasionally. From about 2009-2011 our flirting became more intense. It lead to some making out, but no sex. Then we started a bit of an emotional affair. His wife became suspicious and they had a long conversation about it. He never admitted the making out or the things we talked about, but he did not deny that we had a "special friendship". So, we backed completely off. Our business dealings lessened and we saw each other even more rarely. I believe there was a 3 year span when we did not have any face to face contact at all and all messages were above board. Then 3 yrs ago we were at the same convention for a few days. The spark was definitely there, but nothing happened. Our business dealings began to increase again and we started to see each other a few times a year. Then this summer we were at the same convention for a full week. The flirting and was there and the 4th night we had sex. Amazing sex. The next day he declared he didn't like sneaking around and that it wouldn't happen again. I told him I was disappointed but could handle that. We kissed that next night but stopped and went our separate ways before we ended up in bed again. The sexual tension is still crazy 4 weeks later. We talked and both admitted that we didn't really feel guilt, but were most concerned of falling back into the 3 year period where we basically didn't talk at all. Like, the sex was great, but not worth never speaking again. Current plan is to persue a friendship. But I can't get him off my mind. I think about him almost constantly.

 

What is wrong with me??? My libido has been in the tanker for a long time. Just hearing MM voice gets me going. I could talk to him for hours about nothing. But, is it really about him, or is it about me? That's why I included my background in the first paragraph. Maybe I'm addicted to being the OW?

 

I suspect we are kidding ourselves about being friends and only friends. But as we are not currently in the same town, it is working for now.

[somuchfortheone]

It's been a long time Loveshack!

 

I was in an affair 11 yrs ago and posted about it here. It ended when I moved away. MM is still married. I talk to him and his wife (we were in a group of friends) on rare occasions. I got married. DH and I became swingers for a while. During that time I slept with MM who's wives did not know, but that was infrequent and against the "rules" DH and I set up. He knows about some, but not all. We stopped when we decided to have kids. We now have three kiddos.

 

Now: there is this "new" MM....I say "new" because he is not the one referred to in the previous paragraph, but on the other hand "new" is terribly wrong. I've known him for years. We are in the same business but do not live in the same city and so only crossed paths occasionally. From about 2009-2011 our flirting became more intense. It lead to some making out, but no sex. Then we started a bit of an emotional affair. His wife became suspicious and they had a long conversation about it. He never admitted the making out or the things we talked about, but he did not deny that we had a "special friendship". So, we backed completely off. Our business dealings lessened and we saw each other even more rarely. I believe there was a 3 year span when we did not have any face to face contact at all and all messages were above board. Then 3 yrs ago we were at the same convention for a few days. The spark was definitely there, but nothing happened. Our business dealings began to increase again and we started to see each other a few times a year. Then this summer we were at the same convention for a full week. The flirting and was there and the 4th night we had sex. Amazing sex. The next day he declared he didn't like sneaking around and that it wouldn't happen again. I told him I was disappointed but could handle that. We kissed that next night but stopped and went our separate ways before we ended up in bed again. The sexual tension is still crazy 4 weeks later. We talked and both admitted that we didn't really feel guilt, but were most concerned of falling back into the 3 year period where we basically didn't talk at all. Like, the sex was great, but not worth never speaking again. Current plan is to persue a friendship. But I can't get him off my mind. I think about him almost constantly.

 

What is wrong with me??? My libido has been in the tanker for a long time. Just hearing MM voice gets me going. I could talk to him for hours about nothing. But, is it really about him, or is it about me? That's why I included my background in the first paragraph. Maybe I'm addicted to being the OW?

 

I suspect we are kidding ourselves about being friends and only friends. But as we are not currently in the same town, it is working for now.

 

 

You're describing limerence... research joe beam and marriagehelper.com and read his articles on limerence and listen to his podcasts... it's addiction for sure.

[Birdies]

Yeah it's totally limerance. I felt the same way about my MM. it was insane. Now we are actually in a relationship and while it's fabulous, we both admit it's nothing like those insatiable addicted times. (Which is better because actual love is sustainable, those emotions are not. It's an anticipation- and dopamine-fueled addiction that would never last.)

 

Anyway, you're in limerance and more than likely, you two wouldn't actually work together. The serial cheating being one of the reasons why....

 

Girl, you have 3 kids!! Refocus on your marriage before you destroy their lives! YOU CAN'T BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR AFFAIR PARTNER. It will always return to the A. Just stop before you torpedo your entire life. Been there done that, it's horrendous - and that's even before considering children's lives that also get annihilated - no kids in my situation thank god. Seriously, stop this affair, get into individual counseling to fix yourself, and don't screw up your life. You are on the brink of disaster.

[Origin]

Yup definitely limerence. If you've been in one you can almost sniff it out when you read somebody else's story and you recognize they are in limerence also. I think it's the desperation that gives it away. Alot of people write about love but those in limerence have a tone of desperation in their words.

 

Anyways, if you have podcast listen to Dr. Joe Beam's show. On few segments he talks about limerence. After listening to that show I was so relieved on finally figuring out "what is wrong with me". I couldn't stop obsessing after my "LO" and I could never explain it to anybody that she was literally on my mind from the moment I woke up till the moments I went to bed. But listening to that show put me in such peace it was truly amazing. Gave me peace.

[Dangerously Close]

Wow. I had never heard of this. It is definitely what is going on. This is so incredibly helpful! For those of you who identified limerance in yourselves, did that knowledge help you end things and/or change behaviors?

 

I do know that a real relationship with him would not work. We each have our primary lives and neither is looking to change them. Between our previous physical encounter and the sex there was over 6.5 years. I feel like whatever "thing" I have for him is unlikely to disappear. But I can shift from obsession and maybe that will be the key to keep it from happening again.

[rumblefish12]

DC:

Knowing that the obsession was a chemical reaction, or however you want to frame it, helped me a lot. It allowed me to shake the notion that the A was destiny or that she was "the one" for me. I think those things keep you stuck. OR as my AP used to say, that we were together several times in past lives. AND what was amazing is that when I got here and did some other research on limerance and A's, that claim is really really common. I was floored.

It doesn't immediately take away the desire and obsession, but the awareness is invaluable. It allows you to contextualize it. To be realistic. And to know that in the throws of it, you are just a passenger floating on brain chemicals.

What you do with the awareness is key though. Make decisions. Take action. Let go.

[Origin]

DC:

Knowing that the obsession was a chemical reaction, or however you want to frame it, helped me a lot. It allowed me to shake the notion that the A was destiny or that she was "the one" for me. I think those things keep you stuck. OR as my AP used to say, that we were together several times in past lives. AND what was amazing is that when I got here and did some other research on limerance and A's, that claim is really really common. I was floored.

It doesn't immediately take away the desire and obsession, but the awareness is invaluable. It allows you to contextualize it. To be realistic. And to know that in the throws of it, you are just a passenger floating on brain chemicals.

What you do with the awareness is key though. Make decisions. Take action. Let go.

 

Same exact thing. It was impossible to explain to my friends why I couldn't let go, and deep down I really thought how we were different then anybody else. But hearing it, hearing Dr Joe talk about his experience, learning all those things made me realize that it's not destiny(as above). I finally understood what was wrong with me, why I kept sticking around, why I kept defending her actions.

It will open up your eyes and rock your world, as he said above "the awerness is invaluable".

 

Limerence was probably the most awesome experience I've lived thru, even thou it tore me up in the end but going thru that at the beginning...wow... It really is impossible to describe to someone who hasn't been thru it.

Limerence for two healthy people is the best thing. Limerence in our situations are a ticking time bomb, especially if the "LO" has narcissistic traits, it will devastate the one whos in limerence...It just seems that's the worst possible combination. Somebody who's so madly in love with somebody who can't distinguished how their actions hurt the other person.

Edited August 12, 2017 by Origin
Spelling

[Dangerously Close]

I've been reading more about limerence. I'm now 100% convinced I'm a limerance addict. I found the thing about overlooking faults interesting because I literally cannot name one from MM. I mean, he is human, so I know he must have plenty. I sat for 10 minutes to try and come up with a fault and all I could come up with is that he cheated on his wife with me. At least now I know that says more about me than MM.

 

I would say he's my third instance of limerence since getting married. Although the first was my first MM that started before I was married.

 

It is helping me be more self aware, but I'm not suddenly not consumed by it either. I still am obsessing. The strange part is, that I am generally a very logical person. I KNOW we aren't going to end up together. I told him as much before it happened and the next day. And TBH, I don't even WANT to end up with him. It's all about how he makes me feel here and now, and how powerful those feelings are. Even though I can now give them a name, I can't stop them.

 

I've been in a constant state of arousal since we talked one week ago. My husband was out of town when MM and I talked. MM mentioned that he had been waffling back and forth on everything from the "this is a horrible idea" to "I'll just call her and have phone sex" extremes. Phone sex had not even occurred to me. But then I couldn't stop fantasizing about it. When my husband got home yesterday, I used that desire and fantasy. He could definitely tell a difference and was pleased. But maybe that is horrible thing to do too?

[anika99]

What is wrong with me??? My libido has been in the tanker for a long time. Just hearing MM voice gets me going. I could talk to him for hours about nothing. But, is it really about him, or is it about me? That's why I included my background in the first paragraph. Maybe I'm addicted to being the OW?

 

It doesn't matter if its love or limerance or obsession or something else. That's not the point. The thing is that you have been a full fledged OW twice and you have had sex with numerous married men behind their wives back. That shows a lack of boundaries, a lack of respect for your own marriage as well as marriage in general and a lack of self respect. Yes there is a psychological reason that you perpetually seek out married men and that you lack general boundaries regarding honesty and fidelity. I have no idea what that reason is but it likely goes back to childhood somewhere. So yes, it is about you, not him. He's just another married guy and there will be more married guys in your future if you don't get to the root of your problem. I suggest therapy.

[rumblefish12]

When my husband got home yesterday, I used that desire and fantasy. He could definitely tell a difference and was pleased. But maybe that is horrible thing to do too?

 

You know, I think most of us would have to admit to that. I also found it to be one of the more disturbing things I did (I did a lot of disturbing things). Not just even in sex, but the notion that you are nicer to your spouse because you are limerant with someone else is absolutely true, at least at certain times. And it is abhorrent. All part of the wonderful choices we make! That's why forgiving yourself is a big part of moving on.