What/how did you tell your kids?

[sandylee1]

The most important things for children in a split, is knowing they are loved by both parents and knowing the split isn't their fault.

 

After that what you tell them is best delivered in an age appropriate manner, but I don't believe they should be lied to.

 

If your STBXW is still with her AP, then they should be told,otherwise they'll soon figure it out anyway. Your wife knows she'll loose their respect if they know the truth.

 

Kids aren't stupid and will feel deceived if mum suddenly has a new man on the scene....who she's very familiar with.

 

Personally, I do cringe a bit at telling the kids we don't love each other any more. Marriage is a serious commitment and they shouldn't hear the message that you end it because we aren't getting along. That makes marriage seem like something you walk away from casually.

 

When they're older.... You may feel it's appropriate to tell them more information.

 

When my children were 8 and 11, they knew exactly what cheating was.

[Raena]

Only you know your children well enough to know what they can and can't handle. If you feel not telling them the true reason for why you are divorcing is the way to go, that's your choice. Children are much more perceptive than you think and they'll mostly likely figure it out eventually.

 

I didn't tell my son why his father and I split, but he wanted to know why and persisted in asking over and over again. Eventually when he met dad's new girlfriend, he figured it out. He was 6 at the time and knew that his father had been with this girl before he and I split up because he met her once before. It was an innocent meeting, but he remembered her and knew. When he found out, he was upset. But, he wasn't upset that I didn't tell him about it because I had told him over and over again that my relationship with his father has no bearing on his relationship with his father. What happened between he and I is not really my son's business. He was upset because his father chose her over him.

 

So not telling them all the details is probably the way to go. After all, it really isn't their business to know about it. All they need to know is that you'll both be there for them.

 

I think you'll the find that the hardest part isn't the telling them you are splitting, it will be co-parenting without issue.

[HarmonyDriven]

From BetrayedDad "I would love to hear how others explained their divorce to their kids. At what point in the divorce process did you tell them and what exactly did you say? What was their reaction? What worked well and what do you wish you did differently?"

 

OP,

 

Sooo sorry to hear about your divorce. Not a fun experience at all. But, the positives:

 

=mediated divorce (quick and less expensive than traditional divorces)

=2 great kids

 

I am divorced, was married for 19 years. No cheating involved, the marriage just did not work out. We handled our divorce thru mediation.

 

In my case, I broke the news to my kids, separately as they are 5 years apart; ages 11 and 16. I told my kids about 1 month before we moved out of the house.

 

I said something a long the lines of "sometimes parents don't always stay together, don't always stayed married, your dad and I are going to get a divorce. With that said, we will always be your parents, will always love you no matter what but we will not be living together in this house. "

 

The older one was not surprised and the younger one did not ask why. Kids are resilient. As long as both parents are cordial to each other in raising the kids, and both parents play an active, loving role in their children's lives, they will be fine.

 

If they ask why, I think at this juncture, based on their ages, you just say things did not work out between you but it doesn't affect how you (parents) feel about them. It is best not to bad mouth the mother and she should not bad mouth you. IMO, I don't think kids need to know the intricate details about why parents divorce.

 

As difficult as it was, I don't think I would have done anything differently as far as explaining what was going on to my kids.

[Cephalopod]

Only you know your children well enough to know what they can and can't handle. If you feel not telling them the true reason for why you are divorcing is the way to go, that's your choice. Children are much more perceptive than you think and they'll mostly likely figure it out eventually.

 

I didn't tell my son why his father and I split, but he wanted to know why and persisted in asking over and over again. Eventually when he met dad's new girlfriend, he figured it out. He was 6 at the time and knew that his father had been with this girl before he and I split up because he met her once before. It was an innocent meeting, but he remembered her and knew. When he found out, he was upset. But, he wasn't upset that I didn't tell him about it because I had told him over and over again that my relationship with his father has no bearing on his relationship with his father. What happened between he and I is not really my son's business. He was upset because his father chose her over him.

 

So not telling them all the details is probably the way to go. After all, it really isn't their business to know about it. All they need to know is that you'll both be there for them.

 

I think you'll the find that the hardest part isn't the telling them you are splitting, it will be co-parenting without issue.

 

 

I didn't talk bad about my exWW around my daughter, because I wanted my daughter to have respect for adults and to love her mom even though her mom did not deserve love.

 

 

What I told my daughter was something along the lines of "When two people get married they are only supposed to be loving towards each other, but sometimes one of the parents is not able to do that. Your mom is not able to love me like I want her to, so I have to divorce her...." or something along those lines. Suffice it to say my six year old daughter understood that and accepted it. Later, as she grew older and wiser, she was able to see what her mom did without me telling her.

[BetrayedDad]

From BetrayedDad "I would love to hear how others explained their divorce to their kids. At what point in the divorce process did you tell them and what exactly did you say? What was their reaction? What worked well and what do you wish you did differently?"

 

OP,

 

Sooo sorry to hear about your divorce. Not a fun experience at all. But, the positives:

 

=mediated divorce (quick and less expensive than traditional divorces)

=2 great kids

 

I am divorced, was married for 19 years. No cheating involved, the marriage just did not work out. We handled our divorce thru mediation.

 

In my case, I broke the news to my kids, separately as they are 5 years apart; ages 11 and 16. I told my kids about 1 month before we moved out of the house.

 

I said something a long the lines of "sometimes parents don't always stay together, don't always stayed married, your dad and I are going to get a divorce. With that said, we will always be your parents, will always love you no matter what but we will not be living together in this house. "

 

The older one was not surprised and the younger one did not ask why. Kids are resilient. As long as both parents are cordial to each other in raising the kids, and both parents play an active, loving role in their children's lives, they will be fine.

 

If they ask why, I think at this juncture, based on their ages, you just say things did not work out between you but it doesn't affect how you (parents) feel about them. It is best not to bad mouth the mother and she should not bad mouth you. IMO, I don't think kids need to know the intricate details about why parents divorce.

 

As difficult as it was, I don't think I would have done anything differently as far as explaining what was going on to my kids.

 

Thank you for your post. We are planning to tell our boys the news this weekend and I'm leaning toward your example.

Edited August 17, 2017 by BetrayedDad

[road]

Thank you for your post. We are planning to tell our boys the news this weekend and I'm leaning toward your example.

 

That is just telling the kids that you are divorcing.

 

You are lying by omission as to why you are divorcing.

This all too often causes the kids to assume that their

behavior was a key contributor to the marriage ending.

Thus without the truth they wind up blaming themselves

for the divorce. They then reflect if I had only done this,

not have done that, then mom and dad would be

happy, married, and my family intact.

 

This is why the kids need the truth. Every child needs

to be protected from them taking up the burden.

 

It is the WW's job to take on the burden of her

consequences from her affair instead of her letting

the consequences from her affair shift onto her kids.

[TurningTables]

That is just telling the kids that you are divorcing.

 

You are lying by omission as to why you are divorcing.

This all too often causes the kids to assume that their

behavior was a key contributor to the marriage ending.

Thus without the truth they wind up blaming themselves

for the divorce. They then reflect if I had only done this,

not have done that, then mom and dad would be

happy, married, and my family intact.

 

This is why the kids need the truth. Every child needs

to be protected from them taking up the burden.

 

It is the WW's job to take on the burden of her

consequences from her affair instead of her letting

the consequences from her affair shift onto her kids.

 

 

 

There is a difference between the truth and being vindictive. Taking up the burden? Even if you told them, they would think what did they do to make mommy cheat on daddy? Children have a wonderful way of when something goes wrong (that young) that *they* did something to cause it. It doesn't matter how you explain it to them. Just because they know what the word cheating means, does not mean that they understand it fully. Giving that TRUTH as you say it places more burden on them. Trying to make a 8 and an 11 year old understand ADULT matters isnt the right way of doing things. Two wrongs don't make a right. Telling them mommy cheated will only bring more pain and confusion. Making mommy "pay" for her sins isn't OP's job. Its to protect his kids.

 

OP,

 

I like what others have said here. Sitting them down together and explaining that you are divorcing, that you love them and they didn't do anything wrong is the right way of going about this. Its minimizing the damage. Afterwards, you get them into counseling to help them through the process. Later on when they are older, if they have questions, they will ask you. What they WILL remember is that you never placed the blame on their mother. You were the stand up guy and protected them at all costs.

 

Hugs. I am sorry for your pain.

[stixx]

I've been married for 18 years (Anniversary was on Monday) and I just signed the Summons & Complaint yesterday (it's been a tough week). We are divorcing because I found out that my wife had been cheating on me for the past 4 years. We went through mediation and our divorce should be finalized in a few weeks. My STBXW has already found a new house and she hopes to close in a few weeks.

 

We have two young kids (ages 8 and 11) and have not told them anything yet. I am struggling with what to tell them.

 

I would love to hear how others explained their divorce to their kids. At what point in the divorce process did you tell them and what exactly did you say? What was their reaction? What worked well and what do you wish you did differently?

 

Any feedback would be appreciated.

 

I dated a woman with 4 kids. Aside from mom being a mental case i have to say that you have to let her move on.

 

She was not the first woman I dated with children. I dated another with 3 kids and the ex-dad was real cool to me. He was so ok with me that I was a nice guy that we hung out together at time. Never had a problem or anything with him. He was happy that his ex was with a nice guy, can be trusted, and did not sleep around and put her at risk.

 

One thing that any of my GFs cannot ever say about me is that I am 100% true blue to them. I am a one woman man and I always will be, but I cannot speak for her.

 

I never ever slept around. I date, but a date is not a simple kiss let alone getting in bed.

 

This is how I am and it has troubled a few females I dated. I will not ever sleep with a person I dont know. PERIOD.

[Mittens]

Trying to make a 8 and an 11 year old understand ADULT matters isn't the right way of doing things. Two wrongs don't make a right. Telling them mommy cheated will only bring more pain and confusion. Making mommy "pay" for her sins isn't OP's job. Its to protect his kids.

 

What they WILL remember is that you never placed the blame on their mother. You were the stand up guy and protected them at all costs.

 

 

Amen to all of this. And I think this is good advice for parents with children of any age. I was just 21 when my parents seperated - my father left my mother for another woman. Obviously, at that age I was fully aware of what was going on.

 

However, that did not (and still doesn't) give my mother free licence to take her anger at my father out on myself and my two brothers. For 28 years I've had to listen to her badmouth him...she's totally forgotten that for at least 10 years she loved my father enough to have 3 children with him, that I am half my father. What happened in the marriage should have NOTHING to do with the relationship I have with either parent. And no matter how old I am, I am entitled to have a relationship with both parents.

 

I was emotionally blackmailed into cutting all contact with my father by my mother. However, this also led me to not want to have much to do with her, either. I haven't forgotten that she was willing to use me and my brothers for her own ends. She didn't put her children first.

[BetrayedDad]

It was very difficult, but I told my kids about our divorce today. My wife was with me when I told them. When they asked why, she said sometimes adults have differences that they can't work out and I let it go at that. After 2 or maybe 3 minutes of hugs and crying, the boys were asking questions about what bus they will ride and what color their new rooms will be.

 

My wife and I drove them over to look at her new house (from the road) and they were a excited to see it. They will get to go inside with my wife and her realtor tomorrow.

 

An hour or two later and my 11-yr old said to me, "it will be kind of cool to have two houses".

 

I think it helped that my wife and I are able to get along so well in front of the boys.

 

I know they really don't fully understand what's happening, but so far they are taking it very well...a lot better than me.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It was very difficult, but I told my kids about our divorce today. My wife was with me when I told them. When they asked why, she said sometimes adults have differences that they can't work out and I let it go at that. After 2 or maybe 3 minutes of hugs and crying, the boys were asking questions about what bus they will ride and what color their new rooms will be.

 

My wife and I drove them over to look at her new house (from the road) and they were a excited to see it. They will get to go inside with my wife and her realtor tomorrow.

 

An hour or two later and my 11-yr old said to me, "it will be kind of cool to have two houses".

 

I think it helped that my wife and I are able to get along so well in front of the boys.

 

I know they really don't fully understand what's happening, but so far they are taking it very well...a lot better than me.

 

Well, I'm glad it is over for you. Telling the kids truly is one of the hardest parts of divorce. I'm also glad your wife was there. My exH refused to be and I'll never forgive him for that.

 

Hang in there. You sound like a great dad so I know your kids are going to be OK. And I know you will be, too.

[deadsoul]

It was very difficult, but I told my kids about our divorce today. My wife was with me when I told them. When they asked why, she said sometimes adults have differences that they can't work out and I let it go at that. After 2 or maybe 3 minutes of hugs and crying, the boys were asking questions about what bus they will ride and what color their new rooms will be.

 

My wife and I drove them over to look at her new house (from the road) and they were a excited to see it. They will get to go inside with my wife and her realtor tomorrow.

 

An hour or two later and my 11-yr old said to me, "it will be kind of cool to have two houses".

 

I think it helped that my wife and I are able to get along so well in front of the boys.

 

I know they really don't fully understand what's happening, but so far they are taking it very well...a lot better than me.

 

Good job. The fact that you told them together makes a huge difference. Keep reassuring them that both of you love them and that you have their best interests at heart. I'm glad you didn't give them all the details. It's not their business, it's between you and your ex.

 

You really are a good dad, I know that must've been really hard for you, but you totally did the right thing. My H's mom STILL talks crap about his dad and it's been over 20 years since they've divorced.

[LifeNomad]

You can start by talking about how some moms and dads are happy together and other moms and dads are happier not together, and you can also ask them if they have any friends at school whos parents arent together (99% there will be a few kids) and that will help them feel like its sorta a normal thing and nothing wrong to have parents who live separate.

 

 

Then you can start talking about how you and mommy (or daddy) are the kind that are happier not together, and whatever you do do not bad mouth the other parent or show them you are sad/hurting.

 

 

you can also say the positive things for example double xmas gifts, double birthdays etc, double pets etc